AKATHISIA

A word I never knew, and a feeling I hope to never again experience.

So, here we are the 2nd week of 2016. I'm feeling down but trying very hard to maintain my hope for the coming year, and do so in various ways. I should probably rewind and brush over the things I am not sure I've covered with the Christmas and New Years.

Well, they were great, there's not too much to be said about them. Christmas with my mother was good. Christmas with the Bf's family was awesome as usual. I like to feel like I have a family. I keep having this negative nagging thoughts popping in and out so bear with me. New years, was okay. I got to spend it with my bf and his family again. I left without saying goodbye... I felt gross and wanted to hide. Plus, there were other things going on with me I was aware of.

2016 came on quick and seems to be the quickest moving month I can ever recall. It's almost already half way through. The holidays, were burdened (but managed well) with some internal struggles. Right, so I usually start feeling... a downward shift in mood come, I'd say mid October (it has nothing to do with my birthday). Peculiar how it's so close to my favorite day, but it's in my design. I had asked the doc, about getting a stronger medication, we tried a small addition of litium, and it made me sick. So, then we slowly started introducing Latuda. Well, this drug... hehe this drug... It didn't really help. When I was in the lower doses I dismissed any negativity I had because it's new and I'm not sure what to expect, so on, so forth. But I now believe it's one of the factors as to why I was fighting with myself around the holidays... It added to the depression even if just a little, it did. But then came the real fun. It's note worthy that I drink most nights in December. That's just how things go. But I suspect, the alcohol helped level me out. I'm not turning to the bottle and becoming an alcohol or anything it's just an observation. When I went to my higher dosage, I was still drinking. Until, I didn't and then I was wide awake, restless...And it was pretty evident it was the medicine causing this because it happened not long after I had took it. I thought it was odd, but shrugged it off. Three nights later, the same thing happens but worse. This time I can not sleep, concentrate, or anything. I ended up getting to sleep I'd say around 2 A.M. I guesstimate that because I stopped looking at the clock... I couldn't care... about anything besides beating this thing. Safe, next morning I woke up and didn't feel sleep deprived one bit. This was also the day where I was going to stop taking the med at night. The only reason I took it at night to begin with is because in the very beginning when I took it in the morning it made me feel sick. But anyways, that day went fine... I still had odd energy, but it was manageable and I did some fun things with it.
The following day, was the final straw. I took the pills... All of a sudden, amplified by at least three times... I felt the familiar symptoms. Except this time... I was very erratic. This time, it felt like my major veins and arteries were going to erupt and spray everywhere. I tried to sit still... but it was as if my body was reading stillness as pain and fought me to deny it. Ugh, I thought maybe I could jog in place... but my body somehow felt unprepared? I tried to make myself purge up any of it... but nothing happened. This was the first time in quite some time I felt I was unsafe to be alone. I called 911 and went to U of M. Psych center... because it had to deal with psych meds. I waited there about 3- 3 1/2 hours total. I waited and shook off a good portion of the energy but then they gave me a downer for my upper... and it leveled me out. It was discovered that I had Akathisia, which encompasses essentially everything I had described. I felt rabid. The thought of suicide came and left. More of a thought that "I'd do anything to stop this feeling". That bad. My doctor and I are putting me back on my old medicine for right now. I've not been the happiest of late but yeah this time of year, a lot of people have a dip in mood. There's not much to get ramped up for.

I'll try and be brief about this next part. So, lately I've been feeling alone. I see my bf everyday. But I feel alone. I do have a feeling of helplessness, but I know I'm not helpless. I want to indulge in quick fixes of food, and sugar but they are destructive for any other reason than necessity. I make a very conscious effort to flip the negative thoughts. And to do the things I have to and want to do. But the nagging feelings remain. Sadly, I have to start back from the lowest dose of my original medicine. I keep struggling with my writing as far as saying it sucks blah, blah, blah. But I also keep observing myself. I know it's kind of sad, but this point in the year, I might have a job. Perhaps that might help.?
That's a thing too, I've been feeling inferior, I don't have a "degree" in anything, and I don't have a published book. Okay, that's enough of that.

I've just got to find the ways to make things work is all. In the most healthy and helpful ways. I'd like to use the phrase whatever works. But I don't feel it applies to this.

If ya read this, sorry. but thank you. <B