Oooooo man. Again, unaware of where I last left off in these things...
I'm here at my favorite cafe. A mom and pop place...in an (assumingly) conservative city. Weird eh?
Not really. Though following my own interests, I have a strange affinity for conventional stuff. Which... conflicts in the the real world. Though I can accept and enjoy the rustic charm of old school cities and places of the sort... they are not so friendly. Which is sad, because I really enjoy their world... I'm not hurting anyone yet a feel airs of unwelcome every so often. It's whatever. As long as they're not hauling me off to a stake to be burned I'm good.
I've mainly been studying... studying and wrestling with my impulse control... I've been spending, eating, and inseminating my hand far too much. In an attempt to avoid the spending I disabled the Amazon app.
Phew!
I took my business to the actual web (on my phone, that's where I bought anything anyways.) I bought stuff still... and it's all too easy when your card is remembered and all you need is one button pushed for payment...
So I disabled chrome. My internet browser on my phone. Sure, it sucks when I need some information, bit for the most part it's effective in the way I meant it to be. Now, no shopping, now if I really want certain things I HAVE to go on a computer. Compartmentalizing works for me. I have to have this thing here, and that thing there. It works like railroad tracks guiding me, keeping me better focused. I am best working with one thing at a time... also by limiting the amount of interesting things on my phone I am opening myself to the real world.
As I write this on my phone... This is different though. This is cathartic. I need this. And it's momementary. When it's done, I'm done, and that's that. Not mindless zombie walking through Facebook, Amazon or... ahem, other sites.
I want to use my phone more like a practical tool... It's crucial I do this. My addictive nature has been in full motion this year.
Gotta be a parent to myself. Can't handle it? Then you can't have it!
This seems a bit much to most... It'll definitely be hard for Jeff's family to understand my idiosyncratic behaviors this weekend.
But it's hard for them to understand the habits, because they can't understand my disorder and it's components.
I question their ability to understand. I'll likely have to just say it helps me manage my bipolar better. Hopefully that's enough to save me from the confused, and rather judgemental looks I might collect.
Who knows, maybe they'll be more respectful, and accepting than I give them credit for. Maybe they'll even be supportive of my decisions. Anything is possible. Bit I'm sure I'll be prepared for either. People don't need to understand me. I don't need to explain myself. As long as I'm not miserable by maintaining my good habits. That's ALL that matters.
I'm almost done with summer semester you know? Its two weeks away. Thus far, I have sustained A' s in both classes. It's true, I've done well. But I'm curious how well off I'd be if I studied even more!?! I have felt like I slacked most of the time. Hardly reading chapters 31st cetera. But still killing it? I guess I could just be thankful and not second guess it, but I just want to do well.
But on the flipside of that... aren't those that are accomplished often unsatisfied? Craving more? I also often wonder how well I'd fare if I was working as well... working, balancing my mental health, and school simultaneously? I... am sure I'd mess up with one. And if that happened to be my mental health you can bet the other two would fail as well. Because the brain my friends, is where it all begins.
Okay, enough introspective banter for the day. Hopefully you enjoyed it and have an awesome day.
Bry
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