3 months

Yeah, that's seriously the best that I have in terms of creativity. That title sucks, pardon it please?


But anyways at the time of my writing this we stand 3 months from my favorite day. I'm not sure if I've expressed this, but as I grow a bit more refined in my taste and what not. I am slowly gravitating more towards savoring the anticipation of the day itself.

What does this mean? Well, it's pretty much as it sounds... I'm looking forward to looking forward to the greatest day of the year. Not only is is my favorite but it is the gateway to my my other two favorite holidays: X-mas and Saint Patrick's day.

I love living in the anticipation of it, rather than the day itself being at hand. If anything I often times feel myself to be slightly depressed the day of Halloween itself, because I know I'll have to wait AGAIN!

Why do I even like the day so much? I can't really explain it without a comparison. To me it's much like a comfort food, a security blanket, and mental vacation all in one. Knowing what those things are and their purposes should help to better define what it is to me. Also, most everyone has that one defining thing about them that they are known for. I'd like to think that I have adopted a holiday as my 'persona'.

As I've aged... I've started accepting my quirks. That's not to say that I'm still not sensitive. I am, that's just one facet of myself  that makes me, me. But rather than necessarily feeling paranoid about reacting or responding to something in a way that reflects my personality I am more proud to let people know about my interest.

This time around I feel like I understand that I am "different" and the likelihood of that ever changing is very insignificant. I accept that just as I can't understand why people would vote for the current president, or support guns, or try to overbear and control the lives of others... that those people most likely can't understand why I love a childish holiday to the extent that I do, why I love music that isn't kind to the general public's ears, and why I don't abide by other imperative norms.

But I have to be myself and stay true to it as much as possible no matter the dislike that it may or may not foster. I know that for the most part I am a very niche character (I might even type-cast myself a bit) and that I will have more frequent disagreements than most.

The pay off to this is: less self resentment, and allowing those who will appreciate me to find me. Most every star (especially of the more bizarre variety) just did as they needed and felt.

I once heard that as a person, most people's personalities have solidified by the end of their twenties, and I would agree with this on a personal level.



ONE A LESS DEEP NOTE!

I finished up the summer semester as of 2 weeks ago. I survived both with scary results... AA!
Haha, fooled ya. I got an A in the both of the couple of courses I took. In one, a solid A, and the other an A-. I was stunned by that last one, I swore that I would have gotten a B at best. but yeah! pulled it off!

Just last week I met with my new counselor... honestly I think that what I will have to (and should do) is switch counselors every 3 years, unless results are markedly presented.

Okay, 30 minute timer is up, that's all for right now. I'll attempt this more frequently, but now I'll just say: No promises.

Take it easy!

The least inconspicuous hide out

Oooooo man. Again, unaware of where I last left off in these things...

I'm here at my favorite cafe. A mom and pop place...in an (assumingly) conservative city. Weird eh?

Not really. Though following my own interests, I have a strange affinity for conventional stuff. Which... conflicts in the the real world. Though I can accept and enjoy the rustic charm of old school cities and places of the sort... they are not so friendly. Which is sad, because I really enjoy their world... I'm not hurting anyone yet a feel airs of unwelcome every so often. It's whatever. As long as they're not hauling me off to a stake to be burned I'm good.

I've mainly been studying... studying and wrestling with my impulse  control... I've been spending, eating, and inseminating my hand far too much. In an attempt to avoid the spending I disabled the Amazon app.

Phew!

I took my business to the actual web (on my phone, that's where I bought anything anyways.) I bought stuff still... and it's all too easy when your card is remembered and all you need is one button pushed for payment...

So I disabled chrome. My internet browser on my phone. Sure, it sucks when I need some information, bit for the most part it's effective in the way I meant it to be. Now, no shopping, now if I really want certain things I HAVE to go on a computer. Compartmentalizing works for me. I have to have this thing here, and that thing there. It works like railroad tracks guiding me, keeping me better focused. I am best working with one thing at a time... also by limiting the amount of interesting things on my phone I am opening myself to the real world.

As I write this on my phone... This is different though.  This is cathartic.  I need this. And it's momementary. When it's done, I'm done, and that's that. Not mindless zombie walking through Facebook, Amazon or... ahem, other sites. 

I want to use my phone more like a practical tool... It's crucial I do this. My addictive nature has been in full motion this year.

Gotta be a parent to myself. Can't handle it? Then you can't have it!

This seems a bit much to most... It'll definitely be hard for Jeff's family to understand my idiosyncratic behaviors this weekend.

But it's hard for them to understand the habits, because they can't understand my disorder and it's components.

I question their ability to understand. I'll likely have to just say it helps me manage my bipolar better. Hopefully that's enough to save me from the confused, and rather judgemental looks I might collect.

Who knows, maybe they'll be more respectful, and accepting than I give them credit for.  Maybe they'll even be supportive of my decisions.  Anything is possible. Bit I'm sure I'll be prepared for either. People don't need to understand me. I don't need to explain myself. As long as I'm not miserable by maintaining my good habits. That's ALL that matters.

I'm almost done with summer semester you know? Its two weeks away. Thus far,  I have sustained A' s in both classes. It's true, I've done well. But I'm curious how well off I'd be if I studied even more!?! I have felt like I slacked most of the time. Hardly reading chapters 31st cetera. But still killing it? I guess I could just be thankful and not second guess it, but I just want to do well.

But on the flipside of that... aren't those that are accomplished often unsatisfied? Craving more? I also often wonder how well I'd fare if I was working as well... working, balancing my mental health,  and school simultaneously? I... am sure I'd mess up with one. And if that happened to be my mental health you can bet the other two would fail as well. Because the brain my friends,  is where it all begins.

Okay,  enough introspective banter for the day. Hopefully you enjoyed it and have an awesome day.

Bry

Look ma!

All in all today's been quite great.

•Forgot something for class it turns out I ended up not needing today.

•Got out of class 32 minutes early, because for whatever reason I was energized.

•Got a haircut.

•Got a deal on my styling gel. What's usually 20 ish for one at meijer, I got 2 for the same price.

•Got my nudist magazine from the UK. Which honestly, I was expecting that at least 3 weeks from now. I ordered it on Saint Patricks day. I have stuff coming from the United States that aren't that expedient.

• Finally, all I have to study today is math, for I have a test tomorrow. I understand it, I just want to help thicken the pot so to speak. I have a 98% last time I checked, and I wish very much to keep in the 90s.

Hopefully all goes well tomorrow.  Not just with the test but with the weather. I am having a Brazilian wax done. These things aren't cheap, especially if you're a first timer.

Kinda goes without saying that I don't entertain the thought of taking a Lyft there. The hope is that weather permitting, I can ride my bike. I'd count that 70 minute round trip  ride as my exercise for the day! Combined with the evasion of Lyft cost, and being crammed into a slimy germ wagon, getting exercise, and enjoying the day... just can't be beat.

Have a good one. Open some windows!!

4NiK8

FOUR-NICK-EIGHT hahahaha!

Okay, okay, back to business! Making up for lost time indeed... indeed. Like my redundant wording? I don't let's stop that -make me!

So I believe I was going to express the addictions in better depth huh? Well, as I have said I have managed to avoid my hand giving me fellatio for almost 2 whole weeks! That is a mile stone if ever there was one. I have not watched porn... in the traditional sense.

You see, when you have an addiction it's mostly mental. Chemical shifts and the like (for me this is something I can physically feel churning about in my frontal lobe. It simultaneously saps my energy and I am left with 3 options. 1.) I can take the old stick shift for a drive. Get the adrenaline pumping hardcore this is to avoid the sleepiness. Tricky no? 2.) I can eat to battle the mental fog- Which leads to over-eating and or eating mass quantities of food. For those of you who know me and are rolling your eyes... Stop it because this is something that is real. Just because I am not morbidly obese does not mean I don't have a problem with food. Eating 3 bags of sand which cookies over the span of a weekend is not cool. Especially when those 3 individual bags are devoured in 3 individual sittings. This makes me feel gross and in turn leads my hand to the appendage of love... omg that's terrible. Once this cycle has completed itself it's worked! No longer tired... Just guilt laden and resistant to do anything else the rest of the day. Finally 3.) I can avoid either by taking a nap. Makes sense right? Give the brain what it's asking for!

I've been taking naps and I've been seeing a veer away from my self-destructive habits.
It's seemingly working. Not only do I feel a lot better, but I am more focused etc. It makes sense to take a detour if it's going to aid in the overall scheme of things.

That being said, I need to try and see the entire picture. I need to have an aerial view of things.
I'll give an example.
A couple of months ago I was watching the news. I heard about some sort of ultimatum involving a little hole in the ground. The way they presented their options were the only ways possible: they could fix it quickly and cheaply saving the city money or, they could take more money from the city now and efficiently fix the issue. The answer was obvious to me. Yes, I understand that it will suck having raised taxes for a minute. But really... what's worse? The very real threat of the hole spontaneously opening again, and then having to fix it again or paying the money to fix it from the get go.
Better yet, in the long run, you might even be saving money, it's just a matter of impatience. Because shelling out money in small increments adds up. Might as well save up... put the money out and have everything be A-okay.

SO easy to offer sage thoughts when it's not your choice.

Anyways, back to porn. So, addictions are a bit funny. Even if you stop the intended habit of online pornography (again 12 days clean) you're brain will offer up alternatives - much like someone who's on a diet rationalizes drinking a six pack of soda to one regular sugar because "it's healthy". Convincing, but false. Tempting but devilish. My mind has been like... look up nude art on amazon, that's not "bad" is it? If I can feel the aforementioned chemical shift in my head... then yeah, I must say no. I even considered doing something sketchy... attaining my smut the old fashioned way...
Yup, the liquor store baby. The smut laden, sobriety smashing, powerhouse of questionable wares.
Luckily for me I had a few deterrents.

1. It was like 10 am...
2. I don't want to be perceived as a smoker.
3. I don't want to be perceived as an alcoholic. Which, I totally would visiting one at such an early time of day.

Needless to say I've been having to avoid the web for the most part... at least for awhile. I know this sounds 'crazy' if you can't comprehend it. But it's completely logical. What do you do with a child if they can't handle something? You take it away don't you? Even for a little bit?
As I have said earlier, yeah I'll use the web sparingly. But not for idle searching... it's just too much. I get lost. I have an addictive personality and can easily get lost for hours in the most trivial of affairs.

I'm trying to dial back to the 90's in a way you might say. Personally I didn't really have the internet in the 2000's. I did but in very brief moments. If I wanted the internet I had to go to the library or visit a friend. Shit, that sounds so much like: "back in my day"... that's exactly what it is. Whatever. When I didn't have the internet I was forced to be a bit more creative. More focused and well, find stuff to do. I most certainly wrote the most back then. To the slightest degree I may have even been happier. It's when myspace struck that added facets were added. Some good, Some bad.

Point is, excess seems to be becoming more and more available for everything. Some people need to live a little bit simpler. As long as it helps me foster happiness I'm fine with that.

Btw, it's 70 degrees out right now. Hope you get to- or were able to enjoy it.

For all of the gentle children

That sounds really bad 0.o

But it, like any other title in this thing hardly relates to the subject. What's been up? Or what's been down. I think it's fairly easy to see thus far the type of mood I'm in from this writing. I like to think I have a pretty clear tone that carries as I write. BUUUUT that's just me. So I've been doing the job hunt thingy. I've had two, count'em two interviews and both of them went well enough. I'm 50/50 that either one of them will grant me a position. One gave me the background check paperwork to fill out... so perhaps that one is a sign? And then the other was supposed to get back with me about a second interview that I have not heard anything about yet... The last communication was almost a week ago... so .... yeah.I'm patiently waiting for them, I have another interview a week from now for a receptionist position at the Aveda school, So, My method of handling this is I'm going to ride out the rest of the month working with these three places and see if anyone bites. and if so. Who? I'll say I am proud that all of the places I have gotten the interviews at, are places that I didn't "settle for". That is extremely helpful to my ego and self esteem. Every job I've had is a job I've "taken". rather than granted. Meaning that I have not had a job that I have been thankful for, other than for the fact that it provided a paycheck. This time I'm attacking the places that I have an interest in first. Which... again for me is good. I perform better the more I care about things.

Other than that, I still have my work services running in the background keeping eyes and ears out for me as well. Which is all the more helpful in finding something that would be a good match. Admittedly I threw out some good opportunities... Jobs I didn't give an honest try. Jobs I was just too scared to attempt. And most importantly jobs I wanted. I'm making it a point to tackle things this year and make bigger risks. I am growing fond of the phrase : "The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward" Unless of course what you're doing is illegal and then it'd be the bigger the punishment.... call it a wild guess.

I'm trying very hard to curtail my bad habits and fortify the good ones. For instance, I'm trying to stop eating so much... and or so many bad things and working more toward my goals. the main 3 being: Finding work, getting my driver's license and getting all of my poetry into the cloud... and then saving it on several things because I'm paranoid like that. Yesterday was perfect!

I guess I just want to go over that a little  bit. Yesterday, that is... At first I felt that I was wasting the day... and then I was at some point because I kept fighting myself about leaving... making the excuse that it's too cold... or this or that. I ended up going and was super glad that I had. I got 2.5 hours straight of typing in my poems. It's a weird little thing that I've noticed... but many times when I've been out and about I tend to do my work... or focus better. It's almost as if I'm showing off... or that I'd feel lazy if I were doing nothing in a public setting. Or it could just be that energy I'm a vampire to. I absorb the city vibes... the feeling of productivity if intoxicating even when I myself am not. I love the city feel for this reason. And I think this is why I couldn't live in the country or, at least not in this point in my life. But then it came to getting home, Famished as I was, I didn't devour everything. I knew I had only eaten 1/3 of my calories so I caught up. I didn't go over them. Good job. And then... it got late... I was bored and watching youtube which for odd reasons makes me want to eat. I ignored it by window shopping on Amazon. Which worked quite nicely actually. there were things I kept on wanting to get but they weren't good enough in my mind to justify actually buying.

Well... I think that is all for now. <B

ankle biting

I have no idea what that term is supposed to mean.

And I so very much want to put some of my pumpkin spice hot cocoa mix into some coffee... alas, as every day when I'm trying to lose poundage, it's early in the day and my will is still strong. Grrrr, I wish that last medicine wouldn't have been such a detour. Now I have to start my old medicine all over again... which may more may not even help this time. I've been feeling hopeless. But I keep moving... Somehow I keep moving even if it's a little. Ad I'm taking yet another detour if my old medicine can't even help. Blah. well, sadly... in many cases the only way to know is by trial and error. I'm rather impatient in regards to things involving myself soooo...

We're on the hunt for a new place, the Bf and I. The one place he wanted really bad, I couldn't say yes to. I felt like a monster. But it was dark... there were only windows on one side of the place, and they only really picked up the morning. Which is better than no sun but that means it's pretty dark the rest of the day. ESPECIALLY in the winter. Gross... I know for sure I'd feel like I was locked away... isolated... that's why I had to say know... If I would have lied my mental health would be in bad shape. I need windows, because even when I want to hide from the world, I still want to see it, and come to realize that I still am a part of it... no matter how much I might not want to be at that moment in time. And in fairness, There were only two places we've looked at, one of which I really enjoyed (lots of windows by a busy road and trees)  and he did not. I mean I liked it but it did need quite a lot of work... Even though it did have character.

IDK. I'm taking all I do in higher regard than most would for what I'm doing. Because honestly, I feel like doing nothing... just watching youtube and binge eating my feelings until I'm biggest loser size. But, I'm not (entirely), I'm typing in my poetry so that I can make sure that I have it safe, should anything happen to the hard copies... and so that I may also edit and publish them. I'm filling out at least one job application daily as well. Taking steps up. I want to believe it's not about how fast the steps are being taken... and I'm trying not to compare myself with the rest of the world... but I give into these things. Sometimes I'm immune. Sometimes. So surely the slow, steady, movements are better than stagnancy?

IDK, <B

fudge it....

So, it kind of goes without saying that there will be more writing in this thing in the coming months. As I use it to... sort things out. Today, feels like yesterday in regards to a mostly frowning face. I feel spacey. I'm drinking plenty of water, as I do tend to dry out rather fast nowadays for some reason. It helps far more than coffee, which would add to the aforementioned drying out. *sigh* Lots of thoughts whirring about in my head. Mainly about my relationship, our future, my future, what I am what I'm not, who I am and am not. All very deep things that I seem to not be able to focus on for very long. What I mean is, they seem to be in a revolving door in my head, and before I get too caught up in one of the slots the next one presents itself. I guess you can throw in the thoughts about mental health, and work for good measure. I guess I'll try to sort out each here a little bit, after all this thing is my makeshift counselor on the days that I do not have an appointment.

Work, I guess I'll begin with that. I'm looking for it, I need it, I kind of want it... but I am terrified by it. Not particular doing work, but dealing with people. I have my bouts between loving people, and avoiding them altogether. Right now, as in this very moment, I have no interest for meetings. It's just that it's been awhile, 2 and half years since I've worked. I have to be strong and believe that I can and will handle it well. A job would be a great thing. It would inspire some independence and time away from the boyfriend. Which is also good. When I'm filling out apps, I am PUSHING myself to do so. There's also a toss up between thoughts of time. When can and should I work? If I tried to work overnights again, could I? I'd like it because I'd have fewer folks to deal with... but I am not so good about sleeping during the day. It kind of goes without saying that at the beginning I'll be overwhelmed a bit, mainly just in terms of maintaining the oh so valuable schedule of a bipolar person. It's the key to ones success. I think that's all I can mention on that front... NO... wait a minute. I also think that yeah... I'm getting a job... That's fine for just money,... but I wasted most of college... I don't really know what I want to do or... what I'm good at... I don't. It's taken me this long to remotely start to feel comfortable with myself... and not alienate myself to a constant. I want desperately, to be an artist... but it looks like a bleak path. I do well, with structure... but structure leads to the basic type of job.... I don't want to be a doctor or anything like that. My college experience thus far has been the same that my high school was. An amalgamation of classes I was curious in... None of them seemed particularly my thing in the end. But now I have a lot more knowledge in the end. That, I am proud of. I love to write, but...I don't want to be a teacher... I'm the type of person who can't tell if he will like something till he tries it. There have been several things I really thought I'd like that just didn't appeal. Hence the throng of classes without a stable path. I can wish all I want that I was going through this at a younger "more appropriate" point in time, but that leaves nothing changed. I can wish, my childhood life at home was stable and loving enough, that I really could care about my academia and look to the future rather than just trying to survive. I could wish that I would have had to have an allowance, to show responsibility and understand work, and then started working when I was younger. Wish, Wish, Wish. I know I'm still in my twenties, but I feel so far behind... especially living in the shadow of such  a prestigious college town. It inspires me through self hatred sometimes. We'll slide into the next topic.

Mental health... What I had said about wishes kind of ties into this... because if I would have figured out things... that I have bipolar and anxiety, sooner... I wonder where I'd be and what I'd be like right at this very moment. I have a firm assumption it'd be further along and far happier. But one can never know such a thing. I'll just say, that due to this thing I have living along side of me I feel like I'm on a treadmill a good portion of the time... I can see what I think I'd like in front of me... I'm moving alright... but I don't seem to notice when to turn off the switch, and walk out in front of the treadmill to achieve it. Hopefully that translated well from my head to text... I really don't wish to be like my parents. few ever do. The goal should be to reach new heights, and make your own empire. In some ways I feel I'm succeeding. These are thoughts I always have, but they predominantly attack when I'm at my lower ends. that's how I'm able to express them to you right now. Obviously, I'm not too down to where I am curled up in the fetal position. No. I've felt the inability to do anything too much when I had the Akathisia. And the meds and such... I need to get those correct to move on and be as function able as possible. I just told myself today while feeling this... there should be no reason to feel sad, without something happening to you. Of course there is the winter and what not... but I'm sure that's only an addition. And then we can tidy up with the last bit of discussion.

Relationships. I've always been rather push or pull. Being Bi polar entails extremes, I know this. when I was little for instance there was a time that a friend had did something I did not like and I chose not speak to him for like two months. I was about five... so that was pretty intense. I got very jealous when my friends would meet and become friends. I felt as the I was being pushed out by the very same two people I brought together. I'm on or off a lot although, I have gotten tremendously better I'd say about it. My disorder distorts how I should be feeling for sure. Sometimes I question if I've loved or been infatuated. I know I've hated... oh that I'm sure. I've felt numb errr... melancholy is a big thing I feel. Of late, I've been feeling distant with my boyfriend. Maybe I'm reading into it too much? If not I'd rather he just say what he needs to, to me. But I just keep feeling like a loner as well... there's this masochistic side of me that loves being alone... and only having acquaintances, and then there's the side that really longs for deep bonding. I'm never 100% sure which voice is me... though I often times side with the one playing for keeps. IIIIIII think that that's a good note to finish on. I'm really proud of this entry. I feel a little better having collected my thoughts like this.

<B

Forever and roughly 30 Days.

I imagine too much has not been missed ^_^



PAST:

 I guess I'll start with Turkey day. It was cool, there's been a lot of meeting with family, which is, as many out there understand both wonderful and draining. Especially because I am fairly introverted and can handle so many people for so long before I want to say so long for awhile and then recharge in secret... Of course that's not too easily understood or acceptable around kids so... Yeah. There were two thanksgivings this year, I had sushi for each of them. How I love the fishy goodness. Ummm I've been rather hermit- ish. as in I haven't much been leaving the house unless necessary... not even going on walks... which I should probably make it a point to try. Cause it's supposed to be good for ya. Oh, and yeah. I recently have come up with the brilliant scheme of going on a juice cleanse... or smoothie diet whatever you wanna call it. There's two things I've noticed... either A: I'm doing it wrong and eating everything at the end of the night... and or B: I am getting the nutrients I need without the helpful hand of satiation. Dangerous mix the two. Because the numbers say one thing and then your stomachs like Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction... angry as fudge. Any who. The Bf and I just went to his sisters on Saturday for his god son's 3rd birthday. It was far more taxing due to both sides of the family being there... because one side has many... MANY offspring. Lemme think how many I know of off the top of my head... There were at least ten mobilized units, and then a larva. Like heated molecules they went in all and every direction, with dizzying speed.

CURRENT(ly):

I have been experiencing technical difficulties so to speak. MY emotions seem to have been processed incorrectly thus, making me haywire. How so? Well, I've been feeling things that I have not in at least.. 2 years... feelings of hopelessness I always envision myself walking about the cold and ice laden streets... or alone in a vast field of ice... just wandering without direction. SAD is a very real aspect of my bipolar, but I'm working to counteract it so that's what matters. I was just added to a new medicine that should helpfully nip things in the arse. I can also tel that things are shoddy due to my voracious urges of late.. and my lethargic impulses to do nothing... want to do something... but nothing seems to have sparked interest... But food... an easy, fix... a drug to take and fall from. But I'm not one hundred percent in the minus, no. All of this stuff is more in the background of my mind than anything else. It's sadly surfacing.., but maybe it needs to ya know? Like a purge... sometimes you just need need a good emotional puke or so, to clear it from your body. Onto the future and things I looking forward to.



SOON:

Well, tomorrow is the first thing. There is a witch meeting tomorrow, and I'll hopefully see a cool cat there, and meet a few others. Day after that, I will try a writing workshop to get some constructive crits. Then Possibly after that is the Boyfriends work party. ... Parties are a bit tricky for me when I want to try and be healthy... For example the birthday party. I managed to say no to the pizza and obligatory cake and I ate only the veggies without dip... Didn't even drink... but that's mainly because they didn't have anything of interest to me. Even then I would have watered it down. But the alcohol helps me cope. Especially right now when I am in the kind of state that I am... Plus there's the fact that, most of the food is crud... so I guess it's a pick your poison situation... Because you're there for quite awhile a lot of the time, and even if you ate prior... chances are your stomach will scowl with hatred.
Then maybe Saturday, we'll see my bf's, and I's friend and maybe do the zoo light... thing. The following week is kind of recovery thus far... as there is not too much that's going on. There is rumor of a party that we're invited to... but these parties are kind of... mentioned on pretty short notice... I'm assuming it'll be that weekend. And then Christmas with both sides of the family. Should be really cute! UGH I know I was just complaining about poor eating choices.. but I really do want to have the coffee drink of the season...A.K.A. as the peppermint Mocha... and not just from anywhere... but probably S-Bux... THE ONLY reason is because their syrups are superior... The other coffee places I've had just don't do it for me! ... OOO haven't been to B-24's in a spell. Maybe I'll try them! It is rather cozy there around this time. Well, that's it for now! Hopefully I'll post more fluently... (and didn't use all of brain writing this up)

SEEYA! <B

Crumbling cookies.

MMMMM sweet diabeetus.

PAST: So I've been neglecting this like a kid cleaning his room. Tossed carelessly into his closet. But things have for the most part been pretty stable. Some static involved but not too much. So Halloween was simple but fun. I'm at the point where I have had my fill for awhile ... till about February That's just how it goes for me. Things have been on the up for the most part. I thought to myself today that... I have inadvertently been achieving all that I set out to this year. Some of which I was very hopeless about. BUT. I managed to be more social, by some twist of fate, I'm learning how to drive and some other things that I'm momentarily at a loss remembering. 

CURRENT: I am listening to the last parts of the new Celldweller album and loving them!!! I have cleaned today, and am working ... slowly, on the rest of the stuff I wanted to do today. I also figured out some of the Thanksgiving stuff today. I' m going to have SUSHI! ^_^. And now I am writing this really quick before I submit my writing to some publications, putting my writing into the computer ... which shame on me... I have to type ALL of it into the comp. Because if I don't... I'll have absolutely nothing. So I'm going to take extra steps to ensure that I keep them,... I'm going to save them to a cloud, my external hard drive and a usb card... I'll have 3 copies! AND... My first coffee shop reading tonight at 5. That's the very beginning time because...this is new to me and I want to ease myself into it, going a little bit later each time. 

FUTURE: Some stuff is on the rise... I know I'm being super descriptive... but I'm honestly listening to music and I'm into it!!! So... I think I'm going to let some of my typos fly... maybe. But Yeah the obvious holidays are coming up and I'm stoked because I have family now. I have plans to be even better than this year. Which I can foresee happening very easily. I have other readings and meet-ups planned for my writing, so I can network and get feedback, all of that good stuff. 

But that's it... it's weird but... but I feel like I'm going forward... I just don't have many words to say right now more in the mode of acting. Which is far better. 

Ta Ta!  <B

Tally Up

Well, its the Friday of a pretty good week. I feel pretty damn accomplished with it! I mean Monday I went and got my permit so I can do driver's training again. I sent in for a replacement S.S. card, went to counseling and saw some cool people. 

Neat.

Yesterday was another fun little day involving both wants and needs. I heard some overtly religious people on the bus having an oddly civil discussion about gay marriage. I could hear it through my crappy headphones prompting me to join. I did... it was interesting... The two were both religious, one a little more aggressive, the other more neutral trying to understand where the other was coming from, and then the other end of the spectrum myself. Glad I did though. Was an experience.

Next was the rough draft day of the scene for my acting class. I did surprisingly well! My teacher ate it up! And people said that the casting for both roles was a good match up. ^_^ My character is a passive aggressive guy with witty sarcasm. So, it's not too far of a stretch. I got to be an authentic version of myself in a way.

Then, finally, I went to a writing meet up where I met a handful of other writers and the like. they were all rather nice people. I overspent though admittedly. Because I was nervous... so I drank... the place was not cheap because it was one of those "hip" local bars...meh. But it was still decent stuff.

Now I have a handful of stuff I need to and want to accomplish today. This is one of them because, sure why not. I need to do the following yet.

• Get more bus tokens
• Look up laptop repair
• New Candle
• Put some of my coats up for sale
• Add up what I've spent recently
• fill out a job app
• plan a family event with My BF and his sister's little ones.
• Plan the little gathering stuff... 
• Get set up with driver's training
• Maybe get some new music bought
• Finish my Application for the bookstore
• Back up my computers files
• clean up the house some

Not necessarily in any order but these are the things. OH and writing stuff of  course! Researching, writing and such. I hope walk to Biggby and do that, because I'm inspired to do more I feel.

Wrapping this up quickly. I just need to keep up the pace. And try. And care... but not OVERLY  care. Tomorrow I plan on reading some poetry. We'll see how that goes!

Lovely day for a Gatling gun

bang bang bang bang!

A lot has happened  and not happened lol. I spelled that wrong twice in a row... But yeah. I've been doing more stuff than usual and it's become quite a journey. Allowing myself to open more... to feel more. It's really fascinating what I'm learning that I have lost for quite awhile. The acting class is extracting some interesting qualities from my pretty secretive life... But I love it... the things hardest to do usually have a great pay off. It starts off as fear.. and then anxiety, followed by pain... and then clarity.

So much clarity in fact... not a ton... but not all is clear all the time. I stood before my class in my self- management class, and she raved about my poetry... It's the thing that's made the most sense to me for the biggest portion of my life... but I always pushed it away as a pipe dream... and a waste of time... I spent so much time trying to integrate and masquerade as many other things... (a director, a clubber, a psychologist, and most recently.... a musician. This uh bipolar disorder... not to blame it all in this... hinders the stability of self image... it's a known system... But when I catch things that make sense and click they are cherished grand discoveries that I don't take lightly, but celebrate. While, I am not the best with punctuation and other facets of writing that I will have to work on. I have a smooth sense of wording... Yes the thing that has always felt right... didn't feel fake about myself was my writing. I mean, I love pens and empty notebooks... there's just soo much possibility and I just want to smother their pages with ink. Many revelations.. chances and thoughts .

But, that explains that.. concise and to the point I feel. I'm a writer and that's that.

What's been happening and is going to happen? I've started meeting some really cool people. Today might consist of the following: South Lyon Pumpkinfest, pants shopping, and seeing mom. Tomorrow, is a lunar eclipse :), Full BLOOD MOON the last one has not happened in 33 years!, then Monday Will be packed with the secretary of state, the social security office for a new social security card, and counseling, rewarded by the witches night out with ace people. Tuesday get your fix... it's national coffee day.
Thursday is going to be my second acting thing, but the rough draft of it. My character is uptight and fed up... perfect! The couple people that saw us practicing liked it.
The weekend I will go to my second poetry event and this time I will read more confidently. I have to start attending more of these things and make my name a little more known. And placing myself in more situations for networking purposes. Shouldn't be extremely taxing considering Ann Arbor is fairly literate.
The weekend after that there is a tentative Halloween Gathering.
And then the weekend after that is Halloweekends! One of the major staples as it is for my birthday.

icky icky whoopoing.

Monty python.

SOOOOO been a long time. Been busier than I'm used to which is both exciting and damning at the same time. I guess the past, and the current are one an the same for the time being.

I guess what I mean to say is, aside from a stronger motivation to get things done... I've been working far harder than I have before. and this started slightly before my classes too!. The classes are just amplifying things a bit. I've been trying to keep occupied at nearly all times... there, again is so much that I want to and hope to accomplish, and I'm late in comparison to many... but hey, I'm also ahead of some people too so, there's that.

I've gotten back into writing the abandoned story that I had started writing last year. My teachers as they have spoken have pretty much confirmed my attitude about things of late... Just do what you want to as far as art, if you mess up oh well! If it's crazy or sounds dumb... doesn't matter. Something good can come of it. you never know! If it's not obvious I resonate with both of my classes. I listen attentively to both my management and acting class teachers. The acting class I'll say has already been an experience and it's only been two classes. The first act is already this coming Thursday. It's easy enough for me to become a little overwhelmed with many people around as it is. But to have focus on me is very uncomfortable. BBUUUUUT I did that for a reason. You have to do scary things... things out of your norm... Besides, I like having random insights and such. I've met a handful in that class. But one in particular is super cool. Thus far we get along quite nicely! I've started up some talk with some strangers and what not... offered to share my umbrella. All things outside of my original design. But, that last part is really crazy, how many strangers do you think, would care to invite someone from the rain like that? In my head... my jaw dropped... but it felt sooo good.

As for today, I'm a little behind on somethings, I've rehearsed my scene for an hour, and recorded some of it, so I can tell what I like what works, what doe not... etc. I quit watching it because I had to move along with the rest of my day, but the last part I saw... I really liked the motions used. Very much... I got the feeling of it being organic... and just... right. ^_^  So I felt my chest swell with butterflies and I moved along. because for most things, I only find an hour appropriate, that way I can get all that I want done for the day, work on the story, learning audio etc... BUT I spend 2 hours writing, 1 on the bus and before class and the other when I get home... I do spend 3 hours on music, but I've split it into 3 sections: self exploration, research, and actual song creation.

Right.

Today is basically the end of the month, so my focus when I get back from counseling will be primarily on cleaning... Spending about (again) an hour one each room... And some other stuff.

Good vibes. <B

BURRRRRRP!

You're welcome.

I figured it is about that time again to spit out some knowledge, some insight, some memories.



PAST:

SOOOOO said baseball game happened. That was cool. I went into it exactly as I had intended which was indifferent. That way it was more likely that I would be less agitated. Needless to say it worked. Even when I was pressed in with a bunch of strangers, I was pretty damn calm. I found myself freaking out and was able to bring down my anxiety quite a bit by thinking myself through it.
Anyways, mom had the best time which was really cool, it was expected that she would enjoy the event the most. I feel bad though... I felt like and I actually knew that I was kind of ignoring her.. I am aware of that and as to why that is. But all in all a positive experience... and I got my crackerjacks!
Next up, my bf and I went to a wedding (his sister's sister in law) I'd only really seen her in passing at like birthday parties and things, but was invited by association. It was really cool, better than I would have thought. I even convinced my bf to dance to the funky chicken. Because that was the only song that sounded cool to me, and I could rationalize looking silly doing. That and I saw the withered faces of a lot of old people staring out into the dancing people with unaltered faces. One in particular stood out to me. I thought very quickly to myself, as I saw some ladies 3 times my age getting down on the floor, and two of which told me I need to be out there! HAHA. Yeah I should be. Life is short even if it was just one song. I need to be doing it! Enjoying the little life that I have left. I didn't want to be like the other spectators... wasting the even shorter time they had left, unenthusiastic, and confused on the sidelines.

CURRENTLY:

I am listening to some Celldweller to drown out the sound of the neighbors fraternizing. I think that it actually cleared them out. GOOD. I've started to wake up at six, because I have goals in mind and I need to keep them in my cross-hairs as often as possible and balance giving myself the credit I should be giving myself as well as the inspiration needed to fuel said dreams even further along. I'm pretty sure that was a run on sentence. But I've been watching more videos to learn things. Realizing more and more that if I want something I'm going to need to get moving especially because a lot of people my age are further along in their ventures. I didn't have that luxury when I was a youth. I mean I could have but I was enjoying the little bit of well deserved peace I was getting. Don't want to elaborate on that. I have a little board behind my comp that has the goals I've accomplished as well as some strong words of encouragement. I also came up with a new plan to kind of lock myself in my space for 3 hours at a time, and only leave to use the bathroom. I mean literally only leave to use the bathroom. I'll gather all the things that I think that I'll need and just station myself there. The reason for waking up at six though is to pretty much help justify to myself the lack of work that I'd be putting in otherwise at the end of the day when I am with my boyfriend. And being less annoyed about the time. So yeah.. Eye on the prize type thing, and being more organized trying to implement the creative process... I even though about leaving my phone out of the room while doing this. But for the most part I tend to not really realize it's in the room unless it's right on my desk. Even then sometimes... I get consumed... Which is one of the best things possible to realize that I've been so involved that I've been one with whatever I am doing.

FUTURE:

This weekend we are watching the dogs again, which as I have stated back a couple of blogs ago is a fun thing for me. It will especially be the the last thing before I am back to the school thing. Nervous, excited. But I'll attempt the neutral stance that has aided me quite a bit this year. Plus when school hits, it's essentially fall. I mean come on people look at the months as the markers for the seasons, not the specific date of he 21st... Sure that's the official... but people really see the fall as being September, October, November. With less than 2000 hours to spare until the big H I'm pretty optimistic.

<B

dlnvoirjiojvjoigfoinvldsn because why not?

Brain... failing...



PAST:
I'm not quite sure than has been anything too titillating. What's happened though? Well, I'll tell ya. It's been different. Not sure if good or bad. But what I am sure of is that I am changing. I saw my psychiatrist again, and we mutually decided I should add a little extra medicine. NOW, I've been feeling a little strange since then I won't lie. But maybe it's because I need to adjust? I am not really sure as there are other variables present that I could change and see if they factor in, or if indeed the medicine is the culprit. I've been eating a lot of sugary things... I guess enjoying the things that I can eat now. I've been without dairy for nearly two weeks. Sure it does suck. But I've noticed that I'm a  lot more regular.... I sound so fucking old. It's supposedly really good for you as we don't need milk. Its more of a treat like anything else involving dairy... chocolate and almost any other creamy thing. But it's for the best this way. Because it saves me... it's indeed a net. now I can't just go anywhere and pick up a treat. except oreos... did you know there is no dairy of any kind involved in it... Scary I know but delicious the same.  But yeah, the boyfriend has been more on tack than I have food wise. It's whatever I only have to impress myself, and him. If others happen to be as well... so be it but it's no longer a huge goal. I have real people things to attend to. Not who's hot and who's not.  Hmmmm. what else happened? Idk... Still tired... slightly less so due to the walk I just got back from, (vitamin D and all that jazz). Let's move on.



CURRENT:
I have pretty much summed it up with tired. Again, it could be the medicine, it could be me trying to toy with my schedule, it could be a sugar hangover from the marshmallow fluff I recklessly indulged in last night. I'm not certain in any capacity which of them it is, and maybe it's multiple. But I do have to say that I am impressed with having not only exercised today, But I've figured out the insurance stuff, looked at when I have to get books for class, looked at when class starts (august 24), and the days and times in which I would need to be there. I'm blogging so that will be off of the checklist, I've shaved, went for a walk... leaving me to have to clean and and practice. So, I've finished 2/3 of my goals. After wards I will take an hour or so and then come up with 3 more, listen to music, and or just try and practice some more. Maybe read a little?



FUTURE:
Soooo, this week is loot crate, Heroes edition... we'll see what's in that. ... and then a full moon on the 31st. Pretty cool, but august has suddenly become kind of full. Kick starting the month with a baseball game of all things. I never thought I would say yes, or care to even try and go to anything involving sports... especially in the middle of the summer. But I want the experience. I'm very curious about it all. Camping went well, Just have to try it. I used to say, and I will start saying it again. I will try things in 3's. My only complaint is the thing that I am most interested in is so early in the month. Thus... leaving the rest of the month kind of limp. It happened this month too with the 4th of July camping trip. July usually goes especially slow for me anyways... seeing as it is meant for summer people... July is to summer people as October is  to fall people... I get it... I really do. and it is better than oh, say January or February. But, it's in the way. But Bryan, October's not for another 3 months. Noted. I used to dislike August equally if not more because it's like getting up to the biggest scene in a movie and having the power go off. Ready to get on with it... but having an unfortunate obstacle. Now, I see August as many retailers do... It's the beginning. It's the time when dark things start to conspire in small groups, and plan their approach to store display domination. The B- side to July that Assure's you Halloween IS COMING. Then September plunges you right into the middle of things. Finally, October. Everything is in full swing! The only sad bit, is... much like Halloween creeps up so do the greens and reds. They've already begun to... But I can't think about that. I just hope that this upcoming Season will far surpass that of last year. I am in better health, and I am ready! majority of the problem last year... stupid scratched cornea... Now the Halloween aesthetics won't be quite the same... I'l have to get a little more creative I guess. Anyways that's it!

<B

nine inch Fails

Awap babaloowhap a bop bamboo! ... frutii tutti...

PAST:

Okay, I obviously have abandoned the ritual of writing one of these daily. But really there isn't an inherent need to. I was mainly doing it before to try and get what I was feeling out into the open, to get it out and kind of make it it's own entity. If that makes sense? I guess so I could look at in a third person perspective. But I can do that without one of these. that way I'm not making one of these everyday with the same things, or worse. NOTHING to say in them. Thus, I'll write these every other day or so... twice or thrice a week. But anyways. This weekend, has been unique, and this next venture I am taking will be interesting as well. How you ask? Well to answer about the weekend specifically, the boyfriend and I went on a walk together, and I mean a real walk (almost 5 miles) :). I'm glad to see that he is doing this, it's good for us, but good for him as well. It's a necessary evil working out is. It's good to help lower a lot of things including stress and anxiety. But he's starting to feel proud of himself as he should I am too! I like seeing him do something and committing to it and being happy. It's really nice to see. Once you get those gears moving, it gets easier.

I on the other hand have been not too good on the food side of things (what's up with that?). But I'm not particularly angry about it. Maybe at times I feel kinda gross... but I've not been going on and on about it. I think it's because a part of me recognizes and is fully aware that "hey man, your choice". So in other words. Shouldn't complain if you did it an knew better. That and I'm getting to this point where I am better accepting of myself, and I don't hate people. I've never really "hated" "people" so much as been confused by them. And annoyed that I can't do. Lately all I've been trying to do, is just live through my eyes and not through my mind. Be in my body, not trying to be another person off to the side of me making sure that my actions don't make me look vulnerable. But that's what ever. I keep bringing to mind the very true phase as well "No one lives forever". It's dark, and inspiring. Hearing those words is haunting, yet a  call to enjoy what you have while you have it. I've been opening myself to much more than I can remember. I'm not fond of the idea of missing out anymore. I've done nothing much since I've gotten out of high school. I'm 25 very nearly 26 and I have far less than I wish I did.So, I gotta look up, and look ahead. I've had some great experiences since I've moved out here, and a lot less pain. Again, I have to try and start taking some not too extreme risks. Because I repeat. I never would have moved out here and things would be very different. I might not even be here anymore... alive.. Moving away from that sad thought though. I have a surprisingly less sad story. I'm going to try and go without dairy for a month... Based on the results of that I will go from there and see how I feel/ look/ think etc. So ultimately if I do give it up, the only animal I'll eat is seafood, and egg. So essentially I'm only going to be eating, veggies, protein, and whole wheats. Wow that even sounds healthy. ^_^



CURRENT:

Well, about to go get a snack, open the blinds, alternate between practice, and job scouting, and write some new stuff actually.. we'll see how that goes... I've done some drawing projects recently and I think I had better chops at that when I was in third grade. Truly a skill you have to keep up. Otherwise not much more for today.


FUTURE:

Tomorrow! It's the witch thing! I'm nervous and excited... and nervous. I'm gonna go in as level as I can be. If they do that aura thing and what not... Idk.. my nerves my be even more exposed than I'd hope. But yeah, Maybe I'll meet some people on a similar wavelength. People who like the fall, who like the night and the moon. Etc. And then there's miscellaneous things, the art fair starts on wednesday, I have to see my psychiatrist on Thursday, and on friday.... NEW CELLDWELLER ALBUM... and a really big surprise that was just announced a couple of days ago. NEW SONIC MAYHEM ALBUM!! A day of great music indeed. Other than that I'm really just itching for july to run it's course... It's only good for those who are as enamored with it, as I am with with fall. And or the people who are going on a lot of vacations and stuff.

Yup,

 That's it.

 That's all.

 That's the end.

That's That!

 I'm going to go snack. <3

Pip squeek motherfucker

If you wouldn't say it up close, don't say it you moron.

PAST:

 Well, since I already tackled the camping trip what news is to be had? Not much...actually a whole lot of nothing really. Too much of it. I've been doing well enough, eating what and when I can. For some odd reason I have not received my food stamps for the month. So I am forced into a world of milk beans, and tuna... The essentials. The only things that I can say about it are sure it sucks, but it's doing some good, it's helping me eat less crap- even if involuntarily. It's also forcing me to be a little bit more creative with my food. So that's not all bad. Couple days ago when I felt down and out... and tired as fuck I looked up ways to build energy and I constructed a list to do so. It was going to be of 100 things, but I only got around to 50 seeing as a lot of the sites had very similar answers : exercise, water, sleep, eat well, and go outside for a little bit as well as breaking things up into chunks. Maybe THAT'S how I felt like I got a lot more done last year... because I didn't overtly dwell on one aspect at a time but I rotated from one thing to the next between an hour and an hour and a half. Good stuff right?

Yesterday was fabulous for all the right reasons. It was one of those days that I deemed to be a lax day. But what I mean by that is it is really giving into whatever I want to do in whatever order with the exception of exercise because I have to do that first thing in the morning. the YES in yesterday was apparent. I allowed myself to do things in my own time, and only did but 30 minutes of each thing. If I felt that that was enough I moved right along. but if I became enamored with something. Why stop it? Sooo First off I started maybe even finished a bay side project. It was but a drawing of whatever I thought of drawn in white ink on black poster board. It was very random, I drew with what I felt from the music I was listening to at the time which, was the mortal kombat 2 video game soundtrack. It was weird to say the least as 99.9% of my art is... But the thing is is I just let it flow and it was organic... that was from me. I was not forcing much of anything. But I put that down after 30 minutes. I may pick it up the next lax day (Sunday) and add more... Or flip it onto the other side. Generally in the back of my mind I know then something is done. I feel that it actually is but when I go back to it I might have completely new additives to contribute. Next I packed up and did something that was very different and exciting. I walked out into the beautiful early autumn type weather and hit bigby coffee.. Oddly enough not black diesel... I'm not sure but I think I like where bigby is more... It has more of a scenic vibe to it overlooking one of my favorite parks and original filming location for a video that's very dear to me. I should definitely take that into account when I count my achievements in life. It may be all weird and janky and and stuff. But it IS MINE! I very nearly single-handedly came up and did everything. Which is great in regards to having 3 other people on my team (the smallest team in the class already) and two did not really care it seemed and the other one did, but she lived far away and had a lot of job stuff. But anyways, I remember it, working through a literal storm, utilizing the only time that I had in the computer room to make this as best as I could...  Anyways, off subject. Sentimental attraction to the location. I actually brought my laptop with me. THAT itself is pretty unique. I sat down, and I got to work on a song from scratch, and I worked with it until my battery died about 2 - 2 1/2 hours later. I was amazed at how time went by and how focused I was for having people be around. Awesome though. I walked on home, and I took maybe 2 hours to myself... Not sure what? That eludes me. But then I took a shower and thought to myself I wanted a little bit more. What was that little bit more? The anthology... I really thought about it and I don't need it to be in alphabetical order at all. All I really needed to do was to make it so that the pages did not have incomplete poems on them... So more or less I just entered everything down. Then I asked the boyfriend if he could print it because I want a physical copy of the rough ROUGH draft. To change words and or punctuation revise it. But beyond me I want 3 others to review it. And then I will be on the hunt of someone to publish through. Or, self publish through whatever. The plan is to have it published by at latest Halloween. I want it digital, I want maybe 30 copies paperback, and one hardcover for myself because I love Hardcover but it's expensive. Maybe some places will sell it? Who knows. All I know is that I will be passing it along.

Wow, I guess I am giving the extended answer for everything.

CURRENT:

Well Right now I have already watched on of my music tutorials. which I found someone who teaches in an informative but casual tone. PERFECT! And then I am finishing up this rather lengthy blog, will drinking some nasty vanilla protein powder, milk, coffees, cinnamon concoction... The only thing making it a cup of yuck is the powder... the chocolate is better for some reason. Then... I will do job hunting on the basic sites, which usually takes about half an hour or less because of the overly high or low standards for jobs. Nothing Halloween or fall related YET! But I assume soon as it it is almost 100 days away... which in retail is when things start to appear for the following season. And then a walk, and some well needed cleaning, and more music, and then figuring out what to put on the red poster board to wrap up the day.


FUTURE:

Well, all of the closest things are next week which gives excitement for that week. First of the Witches thing! YAYYY. I doubt it but perhaps we'll have another fall type day. Then the following day the madness ensues when the art fair wakes up and fills the streets with tourists and hippies and yapping children. It's fun sometimes. But usually a giant mass of sweaty writhing skin moving at a crawling pace. I have to go ad report to my psychiatrist to let her know how the new medicine dosage is treating me on the second day of the fair.... which just so happens to be right downtown as well. Safe to say that I would not only want to walk to it, but I'd probably get to it faster walking... as the traffic is the main annoyance for most of the people who have lived here for years. and last... but my favorite bit of news. NEW CELLDWELLER MUSIC! Yes that's always a good time for me. So that means beginning Sunday I will be listening to his albums in order until the new one arrives. And then this month is pretty much washed up... I don't really ever recall my July's being eventful. I think for most people it is their favorite and their busiest and the just have everything to do. And my "july" is October. Which still needs a bit of preparation. Need to talk to the bf about that. We've got slightly more than 3 months to prepare, and three months is the bare minimum for planning things.

Okay, Goodbye!

 ^_^

 <B

Flames and fairies

Okay! I don't know how long it has been since I last posted but anyways!

PAST: this last week was admittedly kind of a lazy one I think. But a cool one nonetheless. Especially the finale of it! Sooo we went camping and all was pretty awesome! We got there and we set up, and made a fire, and I drank... I broke like all of the rules I had set in place for myself EXCEPT I did not have like any smores or candy! I could have gotten some taffy, (like the old man I am) but no! We went downtown and saw a couple of cute places, other than that it was kind of boring there. Our campsite was a rustic one, well, as rustic as you can get in a gay campground with quite a few other surrounding campers. Most of them were nice, a lot passed us by, but they probably weren't worth talking to in my opinion for doing that. Even some that I said hi to "loud enough to be heard even) just walked on by. Oh well lol. That made the times we talked to some other people just that much better! At one point I drew the attention, of a group of guys... they thought I was at a state of  easiness due to my level of ... or lack of sobriety. Surprise guys, I have a really good handle on myself when drunk, the ONLY way there'ed be any other wise would be if I was blacked- or passed out. Flattering but awkward. Our first truly friendly and wonderful people that we met was a trio comprised of 2 lesbians and a gay guy... I am horrible with names but they were super, SUPER awesome people. They were very welcoming, and I felt like we were a part of their group even. I had quite a bit in common with the most outgoing too! Surprisingly. Just yeah. But that first night though... the party went on for many of the boys late into the early hours of 4:30 AM.... needless to say I couldn't sleep... I was anxious of sleeping outside, there was very loud partying, the bf was sawing logs. It should also be noted that I did actually get more "messed up" than anticipated. I was fine... stumbly but fine by the end of the night... I felt a little groggy in the morning sure, but that was an expectation to be had after everything... After all my poison of choice was 91.1 proof cinnamon flavored whisky. I favor whisky more than vodka. But yeah, I thought I'd shake it off, but the combination of it all, plus the added sinus pressure and dehydration that I usually wake up with really let me have it about an hour into the day. We went to big boy, and we left big boy immediately. I was sick. So when returned to base, I ate my pancakes, and eggs, and napped for about 45 minutes or an hour and I was just fine! Surprisingly, the 4th of July was more tame than the prior night. But before the night had concluded we met up with the earlier mention trio and played one of all of our favorite games, cards against humanity. We then saw our "neighbor" that's what this one guy called us when we were there! he was super friendly and not as catty as I assumed he might be at first. But he was hilarious and had this air about him that could probably comfort, or adjust to most anyone. It was really cool, there were some truly good people there! Whereas I'm not so sure if we would have gone to the more hyper younger place the dunes... where there would be so much estrogen it,d be like spending the night in a sorority house...  gross. But anyways not only did he earlier trade some of my whisky for some of  his tequila ( I swear Latin gay guys are just crazy). He later popped up and said he was going to swim... Now the pool was cool with naked after 11pm. I wanted to go in the pool but my confidence was lower than usual due to the influx of gay guys there. But he said he'd go with me!. He wasn't a creep about it, nor did he lead me there and just leave me on my own. even got the boyfriend to come in. a great night. Still recovering in certain ways... but yeah, I feel that that night I got the most out of it!

CURRENT: I am patching myself back up food wise and schedule wise, focus wise, etc.  about to eat a snack, work on sound for 3 hours, take a break to clean and look at whatever, and then get on the computer for 3 hours and go to all of the secret shopper things and care of business.

FUTURE: sometime soon the new invader Zim comic will be released! and then next weekend I get to go to the pagan witches thingy and learn about their culture and hopefully find some people of like mind. The little that I've read and seen .. I size up with some of the beliefs. I do believe that there is a force... not necessarily a god, or gods for that matter. I like to believe in the idea of it being mother nature sometimes. I feel connected to the earth sometimes. That's the only way I can describe it to those who have never felt it. But maybe it's the coffee who knows.... But there are occasions... mainly in the fall that I get this air that penetrates every part of me and feel more alive than I do most of the year. anyways... I hope it goes well!

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Clicks and pops

Today has been productive, and I'm trying to squeeze the very last juice into doing the needs I need and want to do. That's why these blog things will probably happen only like 4th day I think. Just so that I can allow myself more time to do everything hopefully, and the only real reason I am (kind of set back is: I'll explain in a minute.

PAST: Went to the counselor yesterday that seemed kinda rushed to be honest. Oh well. I really like walking places, but it does eat up a lot of time. So maybe I won't? I don't know lol. We did decide that I need to try and figure out how to keep myself engaged in my projects. Rather than saying that I have a ton of projects that I have never finished.

CURRENT: Bring us to today, where I woke up.... way too early and could not get back to sleep. This morning (after my first coffee in 2 weeks) I was doing my exercises very smoothly. I wrote down a ton of lists for about a solid hour and a half. They included the things that are utmost importance to me. They are goals, and plans and pretty specific ones at that. Today was eaten up a little bit by the fact that I did two time consuming things. One, I walked to get my hair cut... 2 I still needed to arrange and add files to my comp and back up all of the files on my external hard drive. Which... I just remembered I have to do. As well as still delete a couple of things I do not really use anymore. But this was one my agenda for today, and it is fairly fast, and I'll be able to knock this and a couple others off fairly easy. So that's where this is coming from. As a side note I have to mention that it felt such like early fall today, the grey but not raining weather, the air just cool enough to wear a light jacket if you wanted to. Awesome. BTW FULL MOON TONIGHT!!!

FUTURE: Tomorrow I will finish what ever I happened to not reach. Which will be like half to a quarter of the things. I mean I have options. It's really a matter of what I want. I would like to devote way more time to these, about 3 hours for one and at least one hour for the other. Or I could try and level with myself and only do an hour of each. I have come up with better composed ideas on how to accomplish my projects. Their not 100% solid. But that's still better I feel. The three main projects are kind of lined up and rationed out in order of importance. So, the sound stuff I should be doing to some degree (I'd like to do at least 3 hours a day) every day, I'm going to try and work on the grim spectrum a bit more. That would be the book or story rather that I started writing last year... So, we'll see how that goes... I plan on doing something that might help to motivate, and or encourage me to progress with it. Like posting pages of it on instagram or places where I can get some constructive criticism. I mean I personally think that the story and the characters are very dynamic in their own ways. I essentially have the whole story in my mind and how it will end etc. But it's the dialogue, and pacing that is a bit taxing. BUT taxing is good it shows heart. I have to make sure that I can keep the train rolling, because as I will always state. bipolar makes it hard sometimes to just function on a basic level, let alone thinking and working consistently. But hey, there are so many people doing great things out there with physical impairments, and mental challenges that surpass my own. Does that make my burden any less? No. But what it does is it gives me hope that I can move past the clouds over head and ascend... not like in... a religious sense. That's another thing I have to make sure that I write out is, a list of accomplishments dating all the way back to as far as I can remember. This should help greatly. Also writing a list of things that I would tell someone else as well as things I am constantly telling myself for advice.And of course I'd look up quotes from my favorite artists. Because a lot of them had to overcome things to reach the levels they are at now. It takes awhile, and for some people, they have the right connections, or the market themselves flawlessly, or are just utterly gifted. I am none of the above but I am persistent. I just need to try and figure out how to speed up my recoil time (or bounce back time whatever you want to call it). Because if I truly care about something or someone I try and come back... I try things 3 times, if it doesn't work out in that point in time I might give it another  three more chances after 3 or more years. In the past I have left huge gaps between things stopped and started... and doubted and over thought leaving room for doubt to seep in.  Sometimes you have to just make a decision and stand by it until it doesn';t work, and then you try something else. I know many of my artists that I look up to have failed many a time before reaching their current status. Persistence is a good trait to have. I also read that if you don't take risks (especially on an unconventional path) you might just miss out and stay put... I need to keep remembering that when I decided to move out here... It was with a house of complete strangers about 17 miles away from home... I was terrified. But it turned out that I'd be fine and that years later I'd be far better off than if I would have stayed back with my parents. Off subject though. All I know is that music has been the most constant and consistent part of my life. It's always been there, expanding my library, my tastes, the things that I recognize and question about not only the music but how and why the artist has done certain things. I'm noticing now more than ever details that I have never really looked at... I was hearing the music and not listening with the same attention I now give it. I've nearly always been able to hear a singer and or a voice and be able to tell the vocalist, even if I've never heard the song before.

Okay, gotta get back to the other things but I guess that I needed this SUPER reflective entry.

oh... I didn't even mention camping... Really quick - Everything is in place, I have set up "the rules" for myself that will help me to feel better and be a lot happier . Such as what I eat and when I will go to bed and that the exercise of choice will be walking. It's better than nothing so I'll take it!


BIG NEWS POSITIVE VIBESSS! STAY TUNED FOR POSSIBLE AWESOME NEWS!

aqua marine tangerine magenta!

It's been a while so let's add some color to the scene.

PAST: Over and over, there's again not too too much going on. Just the same ol' same. But the Race at turtle was awesome! with the exception of two things. It was raining and windy, and I didn't want to stay because of that. I mean what's the point really of staying at the nudist resort if you can't go outside legally. So I went home. But while I was there I gave it my all! I ran against 66 others finishing the 5k at 21 minutes! This landed me in 2nd place for my age division, and 6th place overall! awesome. Same night I ate, a whole thing of ice cream... and then a pint of another... sheeesh... I'm like a shark... once I get sugar in my hands it's like a feeding frenzy.

CURRENTLY: I am chilling out... chilling being a very literal word. as it's super cold in here! I might open things up a bit. But okay, today is my change day / clean day.../ arrange and organize things day... My experience is that this is usually split up into 2 days... one where I clean and organize and then where I handle all the rest! So maybe starting this o the second to last of the month is best then. I have recently begun my quest to stop the use of sauces. Or, at least when at home. I've almost been a month free of ketchup not even the tiniest drop. There's a whole untouched 4 lb bottle of it in the fridge too. I came to the conclusion that it was allowing me to overeat, because I was mainly in it for whatever sauce I was eating at the time. It will help me to get a little bit more creative with spices and stuff now. Just by cutting out sauce I am reducing a lot of calories, and sugars and of course SODIUM. Doing this will also help me to feel better about the times that I digress from the path of healthiness. Not erase guilt completely but ease it nonetheless.

FUTURE: in the immediate future A.K.A. this week, We're doing the camping thing! Actually really excited. I've already kind of figured out how to eat and what not. I'm always stressing this. It's very important for bipolar people to have control and feel that they have said control and keep it. Or... ugliness seeps out. But yeah, I'm not going to drink or have the obligatory smores. Though I may want to do both, I will be doing guilty pleasures I don't normally take part in anyways...can't over do it. Like instead of drinking I might get some redbulls and or monsters. They do about the same thing, give you this high make ya act all crazy etc. Check out the town etc, and maybe see my uncle and his partner there. We also bought a couple of our own fireworks. This fourth of July might just be the very best I've had. Time will tell!

Gotta get back to the other tasks now.! <B

sweaty hands of the century

I must have a sugar "thing" lol

Because I get really warm after sugar nowadays, as well sweaty hands, and just overall icky... so after this bday for mom. no no. I've already gone without ketchup for a week now, and haee not been putting anything on some of my food as unbelievable as that may seem. Now, back to the task at hand ^-^.

PAST: SOOOOOO, I've been what I am assuming to be a manic phase... either that or I am genuinely happy? i dunno something of that nature. But yeah, I've had a couple of sugary days... but surprisingly the day that messed with me a little bit was yesterday when I had eaten (what I think is a lot) after making an hour and a half commute on foot. I was starving. but yeah that's all I'll say about that annoyed a lil it's whatever. Yesterday I got to go to the counselor and meet him... It was a very cool experience and I like the atmosphere for the most part. I met a woman with adorable baby girl. I actually told the mother how cute she was... which surprised me... If there were two of me at that moment... the other wouldn't have sat there with a blank stare and slackened jaw upon seeing this. But it did... and I spoke to the lady all the way up to my appointment. When They left the little one enthusiastically sprung her arm back and forth to say goodbye! awwww. Moments like that make me like people.

CURRENT: is something that most bodies of water have.. see what... I did there?!? But really though, that what they call like the waves and stuff. But for really, really, really, realz , I'm waiting on fish sticks to be done baking. I baked and decorated the cake today... round one was awful.. But this one I'm mostly pleased with for having no skills in this situation. whoa! eating rice really just make you feel full... puh! (I took a break between writing). But yeah, now I'm typing this up before walking on the treadmill a little bit. Then looking at the jobs, then looking at the secret shopping in more detail, and then sound stuff if I'm not feeling dead like I usually do, come 4pm. for some reason.

FUTURE: I realize I might be repeating myself but oh well. I can say what I Want to. Mom's Bday is this weekend we'll be picking her up tomorrow and having her over till sunday morning. Should be fun . And then next weekend one of the top 5 things I have been looking forward to is happening. 5k! I was ready for it ever since the last one ended. The energy, the weather,. I have actually been preparing this time though, so maybe I won't almost pass out. I'm not counting on winning necessarily, I am however counting on just doing my personal best .under 20 minutes hopefully. 10mph on the treadmill is a little taxing. But not as horrible now that I've gone to doing the more intense runs every other day, so my legs are stronger and I'm less tired. OOOO and camping might happen. That could be fun! Fires, and maybe a hatchet... that sounds... a little crazy. 0_o

CURIOSITY: I have been fascinated as to why being heavier makes you look older? I wonder what the scientific view is on that. If there is one.

Welp, that's it for now. better I made this as a text entry today anyway as it'll upload directly.

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