The least inconspicuous hide out

Oooooo man. Again, unaware of where I last left off in these things...

I'm here at my favorite cafe. A mom and pop place...in an (assumingly) conservative city. Weird eh?

Not really. Though following my own interests, I have a strange affinity for conventional stuff. Which... conflicts in the the real world. Though I can accept and enjoy the rustic charm of old school cities and places of the sort... they are not so friendly. Which is sad, because I really enjoy their world... I'm not hurting anyone yet a feel airs of unwelcome every so often. It's whatever. As long as they're not hauling me off to a stake to be burned I'm good.

I've mainly been studying... studying and wrestling with my impulse  control... I've been spending, eating, and inseminating my hand far too much. In an attempt to avoid the spending I disabled the Amazon app.

Phew!

I took my business to the actual web (on my phone, that's where I bought anything anyways.) I bought stuff still... and it's all too easy when your card is remembered and all you need is one button pushed for payment...

So I disabled chrome. My internet browser on my phone. Sure, it sucks when I need some information, bit for the most part it's effective in the way I meant it to be. Now, no shopping, now if I really want certain things I HAVE to go on a computer. Compartmentalizing works for me. I have to have this thing here, and that thing there. It works like railroad tracks guiding me, keeping me better focused. I am best working with one thing at a time... also by limiting the amount of interesting things on my phone I am opening myself to the real world.

As I write this on my phone... This is different though.  This is cathartic.  I need this. And it's momementary. When it's done, I'm done, and that's that. Not mindless zombie walking through Facebook, Amazon or... ahem, other sites. 

I want to use my phone more like a practical tool... It's crucial I do this. My addictive nature has been in full motion this year.

Gotta be a parent to myself. Can't handle it? Then you can't have it!

This seems a bit much to most... It'll definitely be hard for Jeff's family to understand my idiosyncratic behaviors this weekend.

But it's hard for them to understand the habits, because they can't understand my disorder and it's components.

I question their ability to understand. I'll likely have to just say it helps me manage my bipolar better. Hopefully that's enough to save me from the confused, and rather judgemental looks I might collect.

Who knows, maybe they'll be more respectful, and accepting than I give them credit for.  Maybe they'll even be supportive of my decisions.  Anything is possible. Bit I'm sure I'll be prepared for either. People don't need to understand me. I don't need to explain myself. As long as I'm not miserable by maintaining my good habits. That's ALL that matters.

I'm almost done with summer semester you know? Its two weeks away. Thus far,  I have sustained A' s in both classes. It's true, I've done well. But I'm curious how well off I'd be if I studied even more!?! I have felt like I slacked most of the time. Hardly reading chapters 31st cetera. But still killing it? I guess I could just be thankful and not second guess it, but I just want to do well.

But on the flipside of that... aren't those that are accomplished often unsatisfied? Craving more? I also often wonder how well I'd fare if I was working as well... working, balancing my mental health,  and school simultaneously? I... am sure I'd mess up with one. And if that happened to be my mental health you can bet the other two would fail as well. Because the brain my friends,  is where it all begins.

Okay,  enough introspective banter for the day. Hopefully you enjoyed it and have an awesome day.

Bry

Title (I don't Have one)

Listening to some really intense glitchey music or what is referred to as "dirty" for those who like the type of music.

So, basically been 2 days of trying to upload videos that have not made it up due to their ridiculous wait times. I might have one that I have not posted that made it. Actually I think they both uploaded I just never got to put them on my blog because when said videos finally did make it... I didn't care. In the best way possible I did not care .

 

Moving right along, ^_^ I've decided to start the listing thing again... it's therapeutic it really helps me focus and remember what I need and want to do. I came up with a little formula for the blogs to... Briefly touching base on key points so, her we go!

• CURRENTLY: I am sitting at the boyfriend's sister's house watching the wieners- er dogs... okay, dachshunds, I'll grow up lol. But yeah, that'll be mentioned twice in the videos.. because again.. they got uploaded... but never made it here. I like it... It kind of leaves some of the things on your mind behind if you get away for a few days een if it is somewhere relatively close. A  change of scenery.
•  I FEEL: Pretty damn good actually, I worked out on an elliptical witch actually made me feel out of shape ... it was surprisingly intense. I'm here with two adorable pups... they're adorable now but give them a couple of days hehe. annnnd I made some lists... which as I said help make things better.
• RANDOM THOUGHT: In the shower today I thought to myself that motivation and discouragement...exist together. What I mean is I see a personal relation between them... A lot of the things that motivate me can also, push me back. It is truly about perspective. Because when I feel low... other people's success makes me want to sink and hide... where as when I'm doing okay and doing what I know I need to, it kind of helps me and brings back the curiosity that I so love.
• I'm EXCITED FOR: a  grab bag of random things. My eye doc appointment, mom's Birthday, seeing my old therapist and last... but most.... NAKED 5K! wooo! Told ya, this was going to be a grab bag lol.
• WORK: nothing thus yet... I keep feeling that I am under qualified for jobs... or overqualified for others. The ones that I really want and care to get elude me. All of the night stock jobs have said no, one of the comic places. I'm not giving up and I'm trying not to give in... I want to work smarter not harder. I want to find a job that I will want to work at most days... because if I don't... idk not a good pretender. So, I'm going to do some digging on being a secret shopper. Sounds good to me for the most part, going shopping, giving constructive criticism, I CAN DO THAT... I don't know we'll see. I hope to have something nailed down before the fall. But if not I am fairly confident finding halloween work... will be easy peesy. 
• SOUND STUFF: So, I'm getting better at things, I'm working at things more in this regard. I'd getting a little more repetitive... which for me is good, because I just wanted to start new songs every five seconds in a lot of the songs that I have done prior. I mean it still happens but... I just keep starting new pieces... which is good and bad... I'll just need to try and buckle down on 3 at a time. But yeah, I hope to have at least one piece by august. 
• LET'S GO MENTAL: Health, Let's go... metal... health... get it?!? You're no fun. :P so yeah, it seems to be getting better by going back to a lot of the same things that I was doing last year, working out... eating as best as I can, listing things, researching thoughts feelings and facts to relate myself to the outside world. I still need to find some help... which I have a couple of leads for... one of them I have to wait till September 1st... ew.. I also need to find a place for eating disorders. I don't know that a group setting would be good for me. Especially because I know personally, that I compare... that might not be good for that sort of thing... I found a clinic but that only catered to ages between 8 and 24.... really? 8 years old?? Friggin social media is turning back the dial and raising insecurity levels at even younger age levels.
• THREE THINGS TO SUCCEED AT: Losing the love handles, finding suitable work, and making the 5k in 22 minutes tops. 
• CONFUSION: A nagging thought keeps pulling at my brain... I can't understand how or why everybody on the internet needs to have every type of social media... I've seen some really cool people that I've liked and seemed to be on the same page become this kind of self obsessed being... Not all. There's Gerard way from my Chemical romance who just happens to be the artist I know of that I respect the most... Because he seems very real. He's open about having to take medication for his depression, his weight fluctuations, and he's non- stop on it, always making new stuff. I mean I respect him more so than I  ever thought when I was an angsty teen. But yeah... I just feel like social media puts up a front.. sure nobody wants to see gloom and doom but I personally don't like seeing people I follow self glorify every 5 seconds or so... Whatever have to adapt or fall behind right? Have to evolve in order to go on. I've always been a little archaic. Welp, this is my highly informative entry. 

BYYYEEEYEEE!!!!!! <B

signals from somewhere

heh, not a bad title kinda cool in fact.

Tooooday, I gotta ask myself how I feel. I feel interesting. a weird mix of HEY GET BACK ON THAT HORSE! and a mix of... but the floor is so comfortable... I don't know if that makes sense

The best way I can describe, is those moments when you know you need or want to do something but you either excuse it... or it's simply easier to "let's not and say we did".

Weird All Was phenomenal by the way! he dressed up for every song and made his songs come to life. He was like a real life cartoon character... He even wore the fat suit from "Fat". That was probably my favorite , wasn't expecting that at all... but little was to be expected rather than the over the top antics you'd expect. The end, was a small encore performance of his star wars songs... Accompanied with storm troopers, chewbacca, and darth vader. EPIC!

This week will mainly entail calling back hot topic, and my caseworker to see about work rehabilitation, and looking for needed counseling. Then, at the end of it is kind of another mini vacation. Which is staying at the boyfriends' sister's house to watch the dogs. I enjoy it pretty well.. I am ready to leave by the end of the 3 or four day stretch though. They live in the country which is only fun for so long.

I get back just in time to see the eye doctor! hahaha there's a pun in there and it couldn't be helped! then... pretty much a week without anything. then mom turns sixty... I have a med review with my doc, and then it's the nude 5k. June is going to fly... good and bad I suppose.

Nothing really planned for July as of yet. Not really much of anything planned until the fall. Which is usually the case I've found... a subconscious choice, or a coincidence I am not sure.

Thus far my plan to break the day up into smaller parts is a success. I've been coming up with three goals to carry out, and then I can feel good about having done those... Then 3 more, and then 3 more. I try to write out at least 9 a day and handle them in threes. I also will try and work on the goals for three hours at a time and then take an hour off... and then get back on it. That's a good balance I feel. Actually this is the first goal of the second set of goals for the day, the next being job hunting and looking for counselors  as earlier mentioned.

What else... what else... what else...

I'm not sure I got the video up of how my little office is shaping up but I like it! I'm sincerely a fan of it. I've got a lot of my greatest inspirations and cool things gathering around me... makes me actually want to carry things out a bit more. I think that's why I was actually glued to the dining room area for the longest time, was because it was my "office" and it has a lot of cool things that I adore like my phoenix statue and my candles. and my stereo, things I have hovered around and or sat stationed next to a lot of my life. So, it only makes sense to bring some of this energy to the place where I should be spending more time... Here at this desk, talking to myself out loud for those who want to listen to hear...er- read :p

<B

Hyding

Jekyll is elsewhere.

It's been really rough for me the last couple of days....Weeks, But I'm going on... I'm trying to do what's needed and expected of myself. for myself. I am the only one that matters in this regard. I've been feeling a lack of interest with most everything... staying up late... craving things that would make me damn myself at a later time... Yeah I'll go as far to say now that I am in fact depressed... Nothing new... it's the way of things... Regular everyday people get the blues... but it usually takes a lot more for them to get them... the blues that is... and for the most part they seem to be able to patch themselves up rather quickly in comparison... I've always looked at others after the fall and saw them do so... I watched my gaping wounds saturate... and I watched the rest with needle and thread... they heal quite fast... Not fair... but the hand I've been dealt... if I spend the game wishing for a new hand all I'll do is lose right? Right... I've taught myself in the past that it can be so very easy to give into my shadow... to eat all I'll regret... to pardon my eyes from the world for as long as I can... purge my wallet for means of a short lived smile... It's like trying to kill a phantom hunger... you can't touch it but you know it's there... grabbing at your insides making you feel this ill hatred toward yourself... and the world... and how it made you into what you hate... so then you say fuck it all... nothing matters.. I'll lye here and rot... I might have those who care now... I need more... but I'm only as hopeful for that as I am finding god... I'd rather skip the egg hunt. I feel like a vampire.. and not in a fun kind of pretend way... not at all.. the kind that hide from the light... the kind that want to infect... the kind that will bite, but only enter if you invite them... Manners are all they have... bound by something unknown, that keeps them here though they'd rather not be... also feeling an emptiness that is momentarily appeased by the flush of another's life. 

"I hold the whole world accused, and I've only got myself to blame" 

Lyrics I've heard while typing this... Perfect in relation to how I'm feeling... I try to no think of the world beyond... because I don't care to see all of the people and their adventures happening before me. It reminds me of earlier said "missing components". I love this guy.. we are from different cuts of cloth however. When I'm up... he's down... and vice versa... I don't want to sit around all of the time. I'm 25 years old... I'm not the typical 25 year old mind you but I am  still young.... I want to go for walks and I want to feel alive... really much like a vampire I seek other people to sustain me... Been feeling very similar to villains... ever since I was little I always identified with the villain... I always wanted to play him when play fighting. I know I'm wasting the day away... I woke up late today... I almost didn't work out... almost just stayed in bed so, that being said... I'm doing exceedingly better than I intended to. earlier it was my intention to avoid you, to stay in the room until you left or were asleep. It's not like I've not barred myself from the world before... I'm an expert... whether it's the confines of a specific room, or an entire building... I can stay inside hide quite well... And as the title insists I can also Hyde just as well. if not better.. Brood and hate... and frown... This is who I'm trying to evade... he beats me down as hard as the world if not harder... He's the one who pushes me out of the way when he's had enough of being silenced... he's the voice that answers when I've reached that special place no one hopes to be. 

I'm looking into counseling for the eating.. for the sex... for stress, the anxiety... the constant state of confusion I drift in... people without an illness can never really understand it... it's not fairy dust... it's not our fucking imaginary friends... It's our inner demons that happen to be a bit stronger than others. I don't like talking like a 14 year old emo kid... nobody likes reading it... But I just have to spew this out... spew is a good word... like vomit... this is all trash I need to say... But it's all real... it's even more real when bring it into view... And here it is on the screen... where I can nod and agree and say... I've been there... I am there... and I will leave again... This stop is on the list of least desirable locations to live in... This is a good blood because of the bleeding... because I am draining so much raw emotion into it... I wish I had tears... but given my lack of certain feelings... I have not been able to ... for a long time... I can't recall when, I actually cried... at least 2 years ago if not 3... I need other friends... I tried to reach out and make friends with another person with similar afflictions... she's in the same state... I can't do it... though she and I are in the same pit... I'm looking for the signs of ways to get out... I'm trying to keep focused... I know... I know... that's what it takes to get out of here... stay under the weight or push back... the more you fight quicksand.. the faster you'll sink... the faster you sink... the more you'll panic and so forth. You have to calculate as much as you can... so if this is making sense... this is why I can't have that type of friend... she's at a different level in the sand and I have to focus on myself... 

Again anybody can say they understand somebody's mental troubles... but that is a lie... they can only understand the concept... it's not something you know about it's something you feel... and something I would not want anyone to have to endure... I can never ever understand when people whine about trivial things... the prom queen who didn't get the right dress... the kid who didn't get an allowance raise... I try to think of how those are irrelevant  in comparison to my problems... and then I turn my head a =round and look at how there are others who would rightfully laugh or spit on my issues... people missing senses... people who are terminally sick.. That lessens the sting if only even slightly... it helps. At least nowadays I know I'm not alone... no one ever truly is... and that helps as well.. There is without a doubt someone, somewhere on this giant rock that is feeling exactly or very close to what you are feeling. Some worse... Understand that. I used to think that I was this being... this cruel imported joke from somewhere other than this world... I had no idea there were and are people out there who love the things that I do... but I found some through the internet... albeit, I've not met any friends I can hug... no tangible people... just text, and assumed personalities. 

I felt a twinge of hope... a slight lightening in my heart. Felt good. I know I've made my mistakes... maybe more than most... that is just what it is... I have to carry the same acceptance with knowing that I also learn slower than others... .. and interesting fact about this weird emptiness and all the feelings that I am having... I can recall feeling them from years back at very specific moments.... I actually remember wanting to end myself before I was even 10... I don't know how serious it was but I do remember threatening to smash a brick into my head... I recall feeling... hollow... even then... I knew I was different back then... I still feel it... but on a positive note... I feel like I have a calling that I am ascending to.... when I am high on those moments... those are the moments that are worth living... 

Some of this entry is part forgetting to take my pill (I need to start pulling those out for myself when I get breakfast). Part of it is that I went to bed late, part is that I "ate bad" last night... Part is that I am envious of all of the friends and the plans that are being made... but a lot of it are the hormones within... I won't ask for apologies... nor will I apologize for  anything I've written. It's valid . Feelings and observations that I need to share... that I cannot share at a given moment... My other is not a therapist nor should they have to be. Although he might be the first guy to TRY and understand me and my plague... I hold my stance on no one being able to decipher it... Maybe instead of looking up memes and Huffington post you could help read up on some stuff about your other...

Again counseling is the best route... undeniably so.. I've made the calls and got some back that I'll return soon.... 

I have so much indecision on things... I want to do things... but nothing sounds good... but I desperately want something to do... this is usually where the voracious urge appeals... it's simple... it's fast... it's right there... and it feels good if only for a moment... things are really crazy maybe... even crazier when I don't give in... I hate things with what I call drug mentalities... Meaning: things that will pick you up for a bit before slamming you back down, potentially down further than the initial low. I have to see it this way to fight the urge... Might as well be withdrawing.. I am very outspoken about a handful of things... I try to turn the lens on myself a lot of the time... such as.... When I hear that people are having trouble getting off drugs... or drinking... or smoking... my initial reaction? Never start... you'll never have to stop... Everyone has their drug... Most peoples poisons are far more destructive than they are productive.. they counteract that persons actions.  Again... I can face the lens sometimes... I'm only human I can't catch everything that I happen to be doing.... But I can say that I've done that multiple times... and I'm trying to quit it... That's why I mentioned the drug mentality in the first place... It's because I can be an artist adept in the fine art of self destruction... I wrote a poem for myself about it called "Imploding Grenade". I get it... But you have to bring out the strictness and the parent within yourself and be as logical and self aware as possible to succeed in most things...

I want what a lot of people want... I want to be successful in most everything that I do... I know that some areas will slip... that's just how it is.. I'd love to speak I'd love to tell other people how well they are doing I really would... for those people who think that they are behind... or losing... I could share with them that hey.... they should keep at it... I have to follow a lot more steps than most in a day just to function on a similar level to others... and then I can take on the world with the rest... but as I just said... I have steps that I have to take before I can even start. 

But after all I've said ... there is one thing that the disorder thing can do for people... When they get those good moments in time... they cherish it ... they feel SO good from it... And I can't say for sure but probably appreciate things a little more than the average person.. I feel that once we get to a good spot (the people with disorders) that we understand... to stop moving... whether that be learning, or working on bettering yourself etc... is to basically give up! If you're not learning anything, you can't branch out... there will be a lot more barriers in life... who needs that? I have enough... That's why when people want to me that I'm brave for being gay... or bipolar... or different it doesn't do much for me... I'll repeat this again because I love saying it... You HAVE TO KEEP MOVING... if even slow... don't stop.... 

That means you too Bry Bry <B 

Some silence required

yeah, it's been rather unintentional that I haven't put anything here in like a week. I've been putting in the work (recording myself). But When I've been uploading to youtube it's been taking forever to upload, and a lot of the time lately I've had to interrupt it and BAM! No news on my end. But no, not today sir... not at all! Today i am going to type it all out... For just a couple of reasons mainly.

This right here... this thing I'm doing with the fingers, and the clicking sounds, and the letters... This I can see the progress of and am confident of it getting to where it needs to be right away...The second is. There's a beautiful silence... I don't even have music on right now... just doesn't seem pleasing at the moment.

Lately I've been a little back and forth with how my mind is working but one thing is certain it's facing forward at least! I am doing the steps necessary for the goals that I need and want to achieve. For instance I am looking for work every day. Granted this might prove more of a challenge than my prior thoughts had imagined. ... I'm honest they ask questions like :

"Are you a fast learner?" or, "do you have a passion for talking with people?" or "do you enjoy working in a fast paced and always changing work environment?"

No, No, and NOT AT ALL.

I have 3 options as I see it right now, luck out and get into a comic store... get into hot topic, orrrr get into a night job. I did get an interview with the top comic store in the area... I was pumped... a little overly so... pumped until tense... anxiety probably read like a billboard across my forehead. Nonetheless it did 2 things for me. it honored me that I was considered and got an interview at a place that wasn't even advertising hiring. AND it was a place in my top 3 targets for work. So it helped build my confidence in the fact that it's not silly to hold out for what you want. Sure it may suck till it gets there. but when you do.. you'll just be even more thankful than if you got just what you wanted right away... instant gratification hardly satisfies.

Basically the last few blogs have been talking about the main couple of things sticking like pins in my head. 1. managing the surges of anxiety I've been having mainly social. This one I have to pay close attention to first off because you can't do much of anything unless you can maintain yourself first. Second is an income source. Here, in this corner we have ME with a brutal $100 to his name borrowed in student loans. BUT! I'm fighting! I filled out for a bridge card as most of what I spend my money on is groceries anyways. So that should help preserve things long enough till I figure out the main issue. Which is, the income... this is the interesting logic I've been going round and round with lately.

There are 2 pieces to this Merry-go-round. The first is the wants and needs. I know, and I want to be adamant about finding work... Meanwhile I know that I can't be on that all day... it'd burn me out worse than right now... So, I try to do other things that I want to do, go for a walk... get coffee, play with music stuff... even though sound design and or music is what I hope to achieve in the long term... what about now? I try and push off my annoyance of not working on the music... and justify it with the fact that I am doing what I need to for the present... But does that subtract and or take away from the progression of my future goals. Another thing that I am almost positively sure of, it that when I have figured out my income dilemma I should feel free and be able to more comfortably act upon my interest to spend hours absorbed in   whatever endeavor I choose and not feel bad about it.

The second half deals with comparisons... Everyone does it even if they just do it in their heads... It's in human nature to look upon others and kind of "assess" where we stand in relation... The monkey see monkey do of magazines, the television... and  other various medias... They all portray what and how beauty is and how it is defined. Enough people follow... the screens say gluten is bad... Point is... is the general populace will eat most of what it is given and see much anything else as abstract or wrong... without thought of the logic behind it. It exists for a reason... Everything for the most part does... Back to the personal values this has to me. I do compare.. though not as much as I have in the past... I still do... again, everyone does. Weird for me because in a lot of ways I am my own in my own thoughts and actions... but body image... body image... I've noticed greatly that as most have noticed with me. Good news is I've learned to kind of break that cycle a little bit... I am a lot better about things as long as I know that I am doing what is within my power to control... and fit into the MY standards. Which essentially consist of being between 140-150 lbs, being able to see some ribcage, and having my cheekbones be prominent. And pale skin... but I love the sun too much lol. I know by today's model male that I am almost the ANTI- in... That ,  I am fine with... it's just getting heavy... that I agree with the media about as being something that is not for me. I also do this with my actions and music... I know the roads I have chosen break from the path of the harvard lawyer or, the doctor, or what have you... I'm fine with that... but When faced with that awkward mention to someone who took those steps... and the fact that it is foreign to them... I do feel a bit of that good old fashioned highschool criticism sting me. Same with music, I want to be great.. I am a perfectionist ... an impatient perfectionist... This is a phrase I have to repeat daily to myself mainly when working with music... "don't try and be a clone of this or that artist... you are not them... you have something that is in YOU! Explore that, let that out! it's genuine, and people -especially those who enjoy music will hear that! Like designated signal... they'll read it..." I guess the same thing can be applied to all other facets... speak... and live with sincerity... Stick to your beliefs... these things are so hard to do and I feel they are really uncommon in these times... but if you have them and can uphold them... what you have is a self fulfilling arsenal!

Wow this is therapeutic hahhaha... It's like I just gave myself a mini self- help speech... Inspired- I'll take my bow... Have a good day, to any who might stumble across this page! MUAH!

<B

Yay or something?

Yeah, didn't even really notice that I have over 100 blogs now. Good to know.

The first week or so of starting back on with anything can be way hard especially the first 3 days to a week. With me I'm talking about eating and sleeping the way I need to be. I keep on challenging these things... wanting to live like others my age... eating whatever, sleeping whenever... but they bear consequence for me... more so than what they do for the average. Yesterday... when I felt the need to throw my hands up and say how much I was done with everything. I decided that I would look for answers... If I mentioned this mental fogginess... well, that is a symptom of bipolar... While I don't let it define me... or try not to. I do acknowledge it's very real presence...

I was curious about 2 things when I searched.... The first being if Bipolar people have a hard time concentrating.... The answer was yes on both the manic, and depressive states... both for different reasons... In manic, because it kind of emulates ADHD... in depressive, because there is a lack of interest and or restlessness.

The second, was that of my earlier mentioned fogginess... This is something that happens very frequently at times and others not so much... a lot lately though... and a lot through school both high school and college. This fogginess can range in meaning and form. Sometimes, for me, it means... stalling ... mentally trying to figure out what to say with very simple things and either getting so distracted by the slightest things going on around me or, forgetting in general. I read that in a bipolar persons mind that there is evidence in parts of the brain reacting differently. (what a shock? ;p) It says that it affects their executive functions, as well as makes it hard for them to learn and maintain new knowledge as fast as others... makes a lot of sense to me as I am the type who has to learn through repetition. I mean that's how you get better at things right? Yeah, But I need to be told repeatedly sometimes... The people who don't understand that you have a disorder... look at you with skeptic eyes... even if you were to tell them... it's not like they could ever "get it". So, now that I myself know about having this within me... Yeah, I'll share it.. it's a part of me! I'll share it with employers, it is actually listed as a valid disability, and even on some of the applications I've filled out it listed some .  .
But this usually gets the worst for me when I can feel my gut... When I feel it folded up like a fleshy accordion between my lap and my chest... When I like how I look, I like how I feel and it carries into everything else... this might be why one of the things that they tell bipolar people to avoid is sugar... and eat right. Those things in general will help anybody but it's pretty detrimental to bipolar folk... I keep getting to that happy point where I like everything, I like my body, I like how I'm being social, and I feel super intense (maybe manic maybe not.), and then I decide that I want to stay up late, eat candy, not even try what I want to do (sound stuff)... and let myself down like that.

But as I said yesterday, I am proud that I have not let this become as strong as it has in the past... No, I'm still working out and waking up at the same time, now I just need to get the other two points back in order and I should be on my way. I need to watch what and how much of it I eat, and make sure i go to bed at the right time every night. Another way I'm happy to say that I'm not giving up in is that I'm looking for jobs every day. even if it's just a half hour in the least. Yesterday I spent 2 hours, 1 of which was 1 application but still. I don't necessarily remember what it was for ... Oh, yeah it was for Khol's night stock. I want night stock because I think in a lot of ways it would be good for me. The only thing that might be harmful is messing with the sleep schedule. I have to see both my prescription doctor and my case worker on the 27th? I think, somewhere at the end of the month. So, I'll be relaying as much of this to her as I can... it might be time to turn back counseling already... I give it 3 months... 3 months with a fixed diet, and schedule and see where things go from there... <B

Z is for Zorrow (sorrow)

i don't know whats going on... really don't... what's more? I really don't like whatever it is... it's a place that's a little more than too familiar... Nothing is really helping again... I just want to withdraw.. and stay away from everything... everyone... EVERYONE.

I've been melancholic...but a new sensation has arrived within me.. usually when I feel this way... I'm apathetic as well... do they mean the same thing? Oh well,. Back to what I was saying though... usually melancholy just entails for me a "floating" type of existence... one where I see what's going on... the whole phrase: "the lights are on but no one's home". perfect fit... but this time... I have reached a weird combination of... said melancholy, immense anger I feel in my core, and the profound sadness and interest in just going underground... leaving everything and pretending I never existed. No, that wasn't a self harm reference... I was merely, indicating an identity shift. Often times... just walking about... I've wondered what it would be like to be a gypsy... the only real things to stop me? I trust no one... But the thoughts remain... where would I go? what or who would I see..., Would i know what I was after all along when I found it... or forever choose to be a Nomad, living through the days making it in the best possible ways, in relation to when and where I'm at, at a given instant. Would I feel liberated? Would I feel a gratefulness for everything that I get that I have never known? ... Would I be a liar,.. a thief? Or a curious but kind-hearted man? perhaps, I finally be free to whatever it is I wanted or was... things hat have remained to be shown yet.. things I've always wanted to have been but never could, due to the caged feeling of others expectations... and wants and needs... We let others shape us far more than we should... we want so much to be liked... or loved, etc that we toss ourselves away sometimes... But then... you know what brings me back to the reality of it all? The damning thoughts that people would have if I shared it with them. And now I see it... I can be this person... Though not so much a stray (as much as I would like to be) I can start... doing what I want to and need to for me.. who knows where that will go right? I feel trapped a lot of the time because there are things I need to say all the time to people and I'm just dying o say them... it's in my blood to need to tell people things... I pull back... and I pull back... and I pull back... because I "don't want to hurt them". When in reality, I'd rather sting them right away then let the poison brew within... and then expel a terminal dosage. meanwhile... the surplus rests in me... slowly I get sicker with everyday that I can't admit... or share.. or deliver the message I nee to send to the right recipients... And again, I pull back some more... because I on't have the energy to fight about it... I only have the energy to respectfully talk about it... if I tell something to someone calmly I only find it respectful to reply as such... I'm not singling anyone person out... though one lays heavy in my thoughts right now. I'm not sure what exactly is going on with me beyond the fact that I feel I need to hide in order to appease everyone but myself... don't like it never will. I've changed... could be bad or good... that's really kind of a perceivable thing. I feel great when I just let things out... when I say what I want... Like this bottling up of things... i just icing on a cake comprised of other layers. finding work I want... sticking to my guns for once and not settling... I know for now that, that is an irritant, but in the bigger picture.. I'll be building a stronger foundation for myself than I ever have...I need to prove to myself that I can be this individual... I don't want war... But this blog does need to speak up for me. I'm going to say what I fucking want to in it because it's my god damn time here. This doesn't mean I'm going to be a "mean person"... Just means I need to be honest with myself above all...  I really don't like the fact I can't tell the one person I have about my problems... because they are emotionally closed off... and defensive... I'm tired of being underestimated, underrated, and told who and what I am or am not.. by anyone... including myself....

This reminds me of another time in my life... but I'm done talking for now.... going to try move on...

X is for Adults

Woooo, the day I've had....

It's been kind of clunky for lack of a better word...

What I mean by this: I guess it began with last night. I went to bed at 10:45 simple enough... but then I woke up at 5:30... because my bladder demanded it. Next, I went to an interview I had and I was the first one there as they were having multiple people come in.

I did it well enough, I had my selling points: I was there early, and I was myself with the managers, I asked many questions. Still no call back yet. but that's okay because although, I'm looking looking for work, and I need it and this would give me a fair amount of money... this would really... REALLY mess with my bipolar. How? Well, I'd already feel like I was keeping myself "a secret"... The manager essentially told me there would be an unofficial hazing, and the scheduling would be horrid... I need consistency, as I have said and will say many more times in my life... without it... I get lost and it's a little hard for me to turn around.

I was asked what I was doing currently and I told them going to school and looking for work, and when I mentioned what I had been going to school for they kind of... Snubbed it I feel like a "yeah that's nice". One of them even asked me what I hoped to do with that... I swear people with overtly business type minds... they suck they just don't really get much else too serious etc... Granted to get what I eventually want I'll have to bear some business power too... but a different kind, there is business from an artistic aspect... and a BUSINESS, business aspect.

So, that kind of got me a little down as it always does... Don't look down on me because I've chosen something that will ultimately make me happy. Anyways, I walked home took about 35 minutes, was a great walk in great weather .. probably the best part of my day no doubt. ... I found it a little hard to get back on track... in part due to the cloudy feeling in my head I sometimes get... I can never seem to put words to it... but my brain is fairly useless in this state... *Sigh* I could have gotten back on track easy hadn't it been for that. But, it happened nonetheless. I forced myself through one of the things I needed to get through working out. I quit after about 50 minutes... today's yoga practices were way too advanced me ... I had to improvise the best that I could...

So, I ultimately decided to take a nap, to try and counter act my brain from it's lack of thought... An hour and a half nap, because that's a sleep cycle and I figured that would be the best bet. So I did that and was in that weird state of asleep and awake at the same time... ick. But when I decided I was going to get up about an hour ago, I ate the remaining half of the jar of peanuts, and my waffle, pb2, greek yogurt, and marmalade sandwich. Yum... I opened the blinds.. And here I am.

Not a complete bust, I'm working through this day as best as I can. That's all you can ever do. But the thought that has been rolling around in my head, was what was it that made my day tumble around like this? Was it waking up so early? If so- that's not cool- I can't be having on link in my chain make the rest defective.... it makes sense to me though, because my body is used to a very specific routine... and it was thrown off of it since the very beginning of the day. Maybe it's allergies? I've had pressure in the front of my head since this morning. I doubt the likelihood of  dehydration due to the fact that I have been a water fiend of late.... so I don't know..

All I know is that tomorrow I attack the gates of hot topic in hopes that they will accept me into their team... And call panera bread about their night baker position. But for now, I'm going to try and pick up and finish as much as I can.

Love, <B

U is for Underwear

i don't know why underwear... was the first thing that popped into my head.

hello again, Bry.

So today, is going pretty fast and pretty good... it's not taking for ever like some other days have felt this week. I've already cleaned up the house a bit... Reached out in the forums I frequent, looked up jobs, offered music to some youtubers I know, and, well that's about it thus far... But I feel that still... the rest of my day is up in the air... I need in the very least 2 more hours with music, ... I need to add more poems to the anthology and I will probably hit the town for the drum circle again...

I may or may not attempt the nerd Nite but that's because I found out yesterday that it it is... nerd... Nerd like... Sciencey.. not nerd like dorky... comics... monsters and stuff..... *shrugs*.

I'm gonna try and force myself to go, because: for one my friend not go... which in my adult mind shouldn't be a reason and is likely an excuse because I don't want to venture into the cold.

that alone might be enough to keep me away from the nerd nite thing, because if I'm already uncomfortable.. and going into more uncertainty... hmmm seems a little shaky on how things might go down. But! you never know... I sure as hell have surprised myself numerous times this year, and it's barely the 2nd quarter of the year.

So as I see it if I go, it starts at 7... at least 2 hours of music and half an hour of adding to the anthology leads me up to about...  5pm.

*looks outside... listens to the whipping wind*

Ew.

You know for a decade I had let my hair kind of define me... I'm still playing with it obviously but still... there are more pros to have my hair short than long. I mean, saves money, both on hair cuts and gels, and sprays, and dyes and bleach etc. This crappy stuff called "wind" isn't as much of a pain in my ass, no bedhead, no one can mess up my hair.. bees can't hide in it (that happened once),

The only real downsides I see are that my head get's a little colder in the cold seasons, BUT! there's a plus to that too that means that my head will be cooler in the summer! I can't do much with it, thus it keeps me looking very nearly the same everyday so- I have to rely more so on what I wear and accessorize some in order to make up for that I feel... *shrugs* I love being able to look at things with a couple of different angles. It really helps to keep you from being bummed about things that can't be controlled or just things that you don't like.  Alright well, I'm going to try and do whatever it is I'm going to do now, MUAH! <B

P is for Privacy

Yeah, I've not been feeling the videos the last couple of days.... not at all.

Today I once again have that weird feeling... a paranoid, lonely feeling I keep in mind and look to eject. It's nice out so, I know I'll go and venture into that. Well, in part because I want to and in part because i have to, so that's a combination that can't be beat when priority meets playtime.

I have to go and return a piece of equipment to the library and then try something else out from there!

but yeah... just been down... down that I can't seem to get what I want in terms of sound.. In terms of not getting out enough, in terms of finding the right work for myself.

BUT, those are the thoughts of my inner child.... Those "I don't want to go to school today thoughts". I know my inner parent... (in no relation to what my actual parents would say) Would say that... if you don't like something then you have to work for a change.

The truth does sting and a lot of times I drag my feet... But when I actually take the first couple heavy steps... the weight I force gradually lessens.

These blogs are really good for me and the main reason that I do them is to vent and to have someone to talk to who I KNOW will listen.... I'm not leading a legacy or anything of that sort... my life is open to all who want to hear about it... but there is not that much to know... I don't go to clubs... My social outing are few and far between and my successful outings are close to being even fewer... It's whatever I am not speaking negatively just being honest.

Think of the small of things... I need to rally together some new things soon.. I used to have this lovely little coffee shop I'd walk to... It's gone... It seems like all of my favorite things are for niche markets or a very exclusive taste... And it's fun until it's discontinued or people can't relate... Oh well.

I think I might try my hand at a social outing later... MIGHT ... I accidentally turned on the italics by the keyboard... wonder how I did that....

*note to self : actually try and start learning the key commands for things. *

It's taken us this long just to remotely type this fast Bryan... Sure, this post has taken about 15 minutes... but given my past writing capabilities.. I'd say we're doing pretty damn fine...

Btw this is often how my inner dialogue goes... is we...

We enjoy it. 

<B

Suck at hide and seek

Yeah, I can't hide very well.

it's definitely needed in real life. Oddly enough, you need to be some degree of "fake" in the "real" world. I've always found the concept concerning. I've also find it odd how people let one aspect of themselves become the main presentation of them self ... which is not usually noticed by them...

Is it clear that I'm no entirely focused today? yep. Sho is. So, what I'm ultimately getting at is, that I like being able to be me, say what I want and whatever. there's a nagging sense of insincerity otherwise. I mean, I feel, for the most part that I can't-" just be "sometimes. (this is usually when I'm a bit down... which the winter is assisting me greatly with.) Example... In my classes ... it's so quiet and people really don't talk to each other. When I do I have major communication break downs... but they are guys, so there's that normal obstacle for me. I know we have common interests because of the class.. but it doesn't really extend into genres. So beyond wanting to create music... there's nothing... Do I say.... How bout that super plate sunday? Oh... yeah bowl... *awkwardly darts off*

When I do feel inclined to let me out... I just feel like a bass in a world of treble.. (I just learned that treble is easily absorbed by objects whereas bass cuts through.) I feel unstoppable.

It's very obvious at this point in time that I keep my eye on my actions. because that's the only way to stop and or fix something. I'm trying to listen to what my heart, head, and body say all at once. Everyone would be a little bit better, but the truth is one or two are often overlooked or locked up. People don't want to let out emotion, or people don't want to look dumb, or people push their physical limits until they crash... I'm trying to listen.... These three things I feel are a core basis of everything. Because everything starts with the individual.

Again, I have lost track.

But I guess not really. this entry is just a therapeutic remedy at the moment. I need to talk and hear myself so to speak. I've quick caffeine, rather I'm in the process of. I've been doing research on how to guard myself from old man winter's psychological attacks. Sapping energy, motivation, interest. I've read coffee as being good, and bad. Good because it helps stimulate happy parts of your brain. Bad because it is much like a drug, and you hit further down once the initial kick dies off. Which, is very tricky at this point in time. I can't have it. I've also began to listen to psybient, goa trance, and some other light variations of electronic music. I use it in the morning before I work out to just think. It's very good for thinking because it sounds nice and smooth and it's not over stimulating.

I had to back off from one of my classes... One I knew in the back of my head that I should never have taken, at least not this semester. trust yourself. I knew back then that, that specific class with my current frame of mind would be too cumbersome.

BUUUUT let's talk about some positive stuff now. I'm learning some cool stuff in class, I like my teachers. I feel I'm getting better but. I'm severely impatient and just want to be "there". Ummmm It's almost Valentine's day (my 2nd favorite holiday) and that is right after, ... FRIDAY THE 13th!!! I like to try and regard these as mini Halloweens. And then... there's another fri 13th before my 3rd favorite holiday St' patricks day... Oh and I'm Going to VEGAS in just 4 weeks. At least January is over... the worst month of the year is done... It's getting lighter earlier holidays are popping up.

Lastly, I finally have contact with the school radio station, and I should have a slot on Thursday at 5pm I believe. It will be called EclecticA and it will last for an hour. So, 4 Awesome things slated for the coming month. Fuck you January, fuck - you.XD Radio-Love-13- and Vegas. <B

Running to Ambient

I don't recommend running to ambient music, it's only irritating.

It's been about two weeks, (I cheated, I read the last date I published.) A lot of thoughts and things have just "been there".

After Christmas, new years, winter semester starting where am I?

I'm there man... I'm totally there XD

Where?... Where are you Bry?

A weird head space. Where I'm more balanced than I have been in the past and more alert of certain things. But I'm not as receptive some days.. most of these frost and drear laden days.

Rewind....

I've begun my yearly staggering a bit. I didn't immediately find my balance and I still have not polished it.. I'm closer mind you. It's hard for me to enjoy some things on some days... these days are a little bit of an imploding grenade for me (self destructive). I say, I'll take it easy on myself... That I'm tired and my focus is very little. So, I'll try and present the idea of chilling out and staying idol to myself... Should I take the bait, a strong feeling of guilt, or self disappointment ensues. It's not debilitating. But it is rather counterproductive.

I know I'm not alone in this.

I need to return to the drawing board. Literally. I'm a lister.. A person who thrives on order and plans... Also a person who gets put off fairly easily by redirecting. Think of a car going as fast as it can and then slamming on the breaks as it turned. That's what it's like.

So I've established that I can have my balance and my order... but I Have tunnel vision, when I get things in my head... they get glued all over the walls like fliers for some indie band in a bar.

I'm getting better about slowing down and turning... Maybe that's the issue... I mean I can only blame so much on the weather, or bipolar... the doc says I do everything pretty well, that I'm very healthy...

My counselors have said that they think I am ready to get out there and make stuff happen. I am,

And lastly, on this specific subject there's one thing I have to remind myself of... It's only January. Patience.

"but, but But... Now?"

"what you want and what you need can be achieved.. but you need to keep giving it time and energy."

Doubts, are a useless item... sometimes I'm aware of that... When I say this I Have a little ... mantra? I guess that's the word... Leave no room for doubt, and in my head I'm thinking about coffee.. Doubt will change you, and add unhealthy qualities.

I think I've decided (after some real thinking, talking with people online and common sense)... that making a song and tossing it out every 10 days should not be considered.. no... Not yet at least.

How i let the notion of quality over quantity slip my head I do not know. A song is done, when you feel that it is the best and it sounds just right to you in every way... if it's not? then it's back to the computer. I really met up with this thought a couple of days ago, when I was going to put up a new song... and it wasn't done... it wasn't coming together. I erased a lot of it... added a lot of new things, and almost completed changed the entire song last minute... I was far more impressed... with where it is GOING. It's not done... and I don't plan to abandon it. I feel to strongly about it having he potential I see in it to carelessly toss in mismatched pieces just for the sake of saying " look what I did".

In the future, after some growth, and experience.. Then maybe  can toss out a little bi more and say, hey... I can do this a bit faster now.

Well, I'm off to battle the nasty thing that is S.A.D.   who knows, maybe I'll go somewhere to help inspire, and or wake me up! ~_~

You did the hokie pokie?!!! Who with?!?!

So yeah, I've been handling myself rather well all things considered... (not that things are inherently bad or anything no.) It's almost always an internal thing for me. But I've been dealing with it... I've been having major successes lately. They would be minute to most... but for me they are almost on the cusp of miraculous.

I've been learning to converse with those around me. I've been maintaining what to say and how to be tactful about it. You see, for the longest time I had been afraid to say what was on my mind for fear of ridicule or someone not understanding. But I've taken the liberty of reassuring myself that, that does not matter in most situations. I am making my way to being who I want to be.

But anyways, I've had some really beautiful and positive experiences, even in my little winter slum. At the first of the month I had some really fond moments... subtle but touching. I do have a bit of a nurturing side. I was a at a kid party, and this adorable little guy runs straight up to me... I made a face and he got real close, and pushed his head against mine... not like a head but, just put his forehead on mine... adorable. Same party, another little one runs up latches to my leg and smiles at me before running off. again... super cute. But one of the best parts? I did pretty well, without booze. yeah- my social shield was down and I didn't (necessarily) need it. Shocking. But I know these people a bit better. That and I am pushing myself to be me, and say what I need to. Follow my conscience- gut feeling- nose... wait, no not nose that's toucan Sam from fruit loops.

Most recently I "graduated" my group therapy. Which ... I don't cry much anymore, but if I were to this would have been a moment for tears. My teachers were VERY impressed at the changes I've made in the year. (one of them said that in the last six months alone even). I had many people tell me I was a very good presence in the group... It was very nice to feel that warmth. There was a woman, a woman who I see great potential in... she was super sad, so I talked to her and picked her brain. Got her to laugh with a lesbian joke (because she likes ladies). Then at the end of the group... Still down. I said hey, as she was reaching for her bags...

"guess what!", I said

She kept asking what, ( this was all in a playful manner ^_^) I was waiting for her to stand upright. I told her I had a present but she needed to be facing me. She did and I gave her a huge hug!!! That was another beauty I'll keep in my heart. It shows me that not only do I still have a heart... but it can beat very very loud.

I've gone to 2 other parties. I'll be to the point about these. I faced them head on... both I didnt even think about who'd be there. I felt like a part of both crowds... rather than an outsider. and yeah I was still "different" but because I showed who I was that didn't isolate me. As I learn to follow better the four letter work inked on my back (LOVE). I learn to share it. My comments, if I feel inclined to leave them on social media are not made in hate. And, Should I say I don't like it I'll say why and give constructive not destructive criticism. Most of my comments don't get responses and... the ones that do are generally positive. I am the anti-troller.

Finally the current- and the my head lately. I may not understand how I'm achieving all of this. but.. I am. Even when I don't feel like doing things... I bargain with myself to say okay, you did that... that's awesome you really didn't want to... what's next? I'll admit this is at a bit slower of a pace than I would like... but I am slightly justifying it by the amount of work I hope to take on and accomplish in the coming year. I'm learning to listen to those phat beats (hehe PH- fat) that resonate from my chest... They tell me what I need to do, get things done... when everything feels right.

I was despairing- I couldn't figuring out my little "complex studio" I wasn't going to deal with setting it up till next year. I learned how to set it up already... again... I underestimated... me. But it's okay, it's all the better when you can stand your ground against your own criticisms... it's one of the hardest (I find) to do. But if and when you can... it's only diesel  to keep you propelling.

Today I said something... I'v been giving little mantras and sage-ish advice to myself. Like, you'll never go anywhere if you don't start the car.... or struggles are quicksand... you can thrash and cuss, and scream... when sometimes all you need is a level head.

Heh, again I have to keep coming up with different variations of these to suit the moments but they help and that's all that matters.

And, I think that's all for now. I really enjoyed writing this... this just might be my very favorite entry. And, Hopefully there is nothing but more of this to come. <B

mystery doors

Scary or fun?

How about both. lately, I've been struggling... not necessarily depressed...
 Well, a little I suppose. but it's a weird manageable issue.

I kind of let myself slip into it. Like this: The fall was around... and to help " get myself excited" I ate crap food, candy etc. I did really good all year without out it... After that came the eye issue... not much to do but sleep eat and listen to music when your eye is in pain and ya can't see... and of course he cold weather/ lack of sun combo. I also fell off my medication for a week.

Last year I did really well, with my basic issues and SAD... it barely affected me at all! I'm banking on my medication being the primary repellent. But I've read up on several things. I'm going all the things I need to be doing to combat it. I'm sunlamping, working out, taking vitamins, antidepressants etc. What I'm not doing too much of though is eating right.

How we acquire our "winter coats" is because of an old survival instinct we have hard wired into us. I've read this and heard this severeal times now. Our bodies, crave starches and other comfort foods. Which gets many into an all too familiar groove... You'll feel bad about it... and do it again and sleep and do it all again and spike some heavy resentment. orrrrrrrrrrr this is common in SAD sufferers more so. I can't speak for all. But Yeah I've been having some DEEP stomach wrenching hungers that aren't even justifiable... and... as I have read... I have been craving the carbs... I'm not one to take all I'm given by the media... but when I do my own research and I see several connections and similarities in data... I store it.

Maybe my SAD has upped itself/? can't say. Feels like it may have.

So I'll follow the steps I have not tried yet, as far as getting a sun alarm. (that's the only real thing that I have not tried).

All I know, more so now than ever, is... I hope to leave to a snow free state in the next 5 years. I want nothing more to do with the extra ups and downs of mood do to weather... I already have my own troubles with that. It can only improve by moving.

But moving... especially out of state can be very scary. I'd want to with my Boyfriend of course... I mean every one, everything I know is here.

I've been reading up on people with SAD and their moving experiences... many found it highly beneficial when they had fled. I read about how one woman did the opposite and moved from California to Michigan.... she said she got slammed with a bad case of it. It's not the Holidays that bother me. I adore them... it's the mental/emotional pandora's box that opens when the fall comes...

I'm truly losing my thirst for fall because of this...

Again when the time comes... I know I'll cry and feel really displaced for a little bit... and that was just switching cities....but somehow... with my ample curiosity I think it'll be better. <B

Here comes the sun (lamp)

Beatles references...oy vey

I sit here briefly to just scatter some thoughts... give a thought cleanse if you will...That's what journals are anyways.

LET'S DOOOO THISSSSSSS AH! 

My eye... if not fully recovered feels almost perfect... omg please pleASE PLEASE let's keep it this way!

Today will be my first day back to school and so I'll have to arrange all of that snazz. I also have to finagle my school sched for winter- have to ask some questions to various parts of school etc. I'm super grateful because... eye pain is HORRENDOUS... I never really thought about it ... I mean you can't see which is frustrating... and you can't focus that well because of the pain digging into the front of your face... getting anything accomplished felt like a feat. I didn't even work on music much... I worked on tunes.. and individual pieces for songs... but not on a song specifically anyways... ( a topic jumping Bry is a happy Bry) This weekend was good and weird all at once I'll explain.

In short, bi-polar aside, I am susceptible to S.A.D. (Seasonal Affect Disorder ). Double whammy. But I'm counter acting everything in the best ways I can. S.A.D. is brought on largely by a lack of sun... which. without the sun it's harder for one to have as much Vitamin D... Vitamin affects mood. So, for the last year I've been taking it, all year, and in the winter I use my sunlamp every morning.. Sometimes more if needed. Seems to help. Again I jumped topic. The weekend was weird because I can feel the shifting of seasons... there is a distinct feel of desolation I gather in the specific months of November and January. But that's not all bad... I can pretend I'm on a baron ice planet with flickers of hope. ;p. which is what Michigan becomes in the winter anyways hahaha.

December is great though... I'm thoroughly starting to enjoy christmas more... mainly due to the festiveness of it and the unity it signifies... And like Halloween it has many interpretations,... I guess all holidays do. It also has several color variants... I mean you could go... gold, green, red,... or... Candy cane- red, white, and silvers (My secong favorite) or my Favorite- which could be seen as the depressing version.. I love the Icy look of blue, silver, and white... It's the black sheep of them all. 

ALSO as I am now obsessed with time and more electronic music... New years is becoming way cooler... I mean it's the fall a year giving way to a new one... I like to pretend that this is the precursor to that desolate ice planet I mentioned earlier... full of celebration before the dawn. Apocalyptic. 

I got a little head start on 2015 anyways. But I think I'll write about the end of this year and what is to come next time. For now I'll just leave a couple random thoughts... I want to share on: CARS & STICKERS.

I'll try to be quick and precise. Why?! it's your car, yes... but it's an eye sore.. you like michigan? great no one needs to know. you're pro life? wow, no one cares... Oh, you're a republican, and the parent of an honor student??? *sigh* Maybe it's my ocd about wanting a car to look nice. I don't know... It kind of just makes me think of when little kids put stickers all over everything... but in all fairness I am well aware it's all about preference... the stickers drive me mad. I'm positive tattoos draw the same thoughts from others. I mean com' on I have an eye "on the back of my head" ...pffft what a douche bag XD

<B

progress and a origins part 2.

Oh, I can feel I'm growing better at this stuff... The music that is- for someone who has never really done anything with music. I've been in choir off and on all through out high school. I could have been a lot better had I pushed for it. Oh well I'm going for it now. But yeah... finding lots of cool people in my class a couple of seasoned guys- one in particular who has had stuff in Nissan and other car commercials. ^_^ Gotta talk to that guy. As I move along in it I get excited, confused, annoyed, enthralled, and discouraged all at the same time... different points but that's self explanatory. I've surprisingly been playing with more ambient and Violins. Odd. But yeah... I guess it's easier to bring together the different types of music if you learn or get a better understanding individually first sometimes... makes sense. I plan to carry through... I need to start being more decisive about things... indecision leads to standing still... there's a Movie that''s a perfect example called "Mr. Nobody" With Jared Leto. It is essentially all about choices and the lives we make by making them. You never know what's behind a door fully till you try it... I mean it worked for going back to school 3 months after I dropped out back in my senior year. I was very certain and goal oriented when I was younger despite all of the crappy things that were going on... I feel that maybe in their own way they fueled me to strive. I will make decisions within reason and deal with what consequences or rewards I earn as they come to me.

Right now I am taking a break from my practice to write this... I'm building my muscles to focus. I plan on using at least 70% of my day to practice. it's highly important... but... I'm not the most seasoned yet... it drains me and I have to take breaks.... I need to push though the "I don't feel like its" and the "I'll fuck things ups" They'll only stunt things - things I need to reach for. So I'm doing in taking in all I can see in do. Again I'm not where some of the people are in my class yet... professionals who have been doing this for years and are at it every waking moment... or in the case of many... every sleepless moment. Not there quite yet... But it will eventually be the case... and Ill be living off of coffee, and energy bars... I exercise religiously every day... now! If I can apply that to every thing... I'll be on my way.

[Origins before 10]

I'll try and make this brief...

Most of this time was again spent alone... uncomfortable... I stayed the course I was on all along of music and imagination.

I learned my father was not to be trusted and that I had seen inconsistencies with the actions and words of many Christians... I've never liked people with God shields. Yes believe in what you believe in but don't shed the parts that damn you and hold on to those that damn others... It's like those who point a hateful finger at gay people... have done and or... are doing something far worse in secrecy.

I found for sure that I was an outcast around 9 maybe 10... What I wore wasn't "in" who knew that shirts with dragons and other various monsters weren't trending. Whatever... there were not very many days where it wasn't pointed out that I was fat...

T.V: Sabrina the teenage witch. Boy meets world. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Crow television series

Music: Limp Bizkit, korn, Slipknot. (around ten years old... I don't remember too much.

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Title

My birthday.. it was a good one but I felt out of it... nothing much has been stirring me... I feel my boyfriends love... I feel a vague sense of life... not sure if it's the weight I gained... or... if I'm having one of my moments where nothing seems to satisfy... I'm prone to impulse currently... I want to buy this, or eat that, or whatever to fill me... Again  feel his love...

I usually feel a sense of ... empty when it turns cold... I hardly cry anymore... but I sometimes wish for that rather than not having the ability to... I used to cry all the time.... Stronger? No, just numb with a nagging feeling like I should be shedding tears. Bipolar isn't a joke... nor is it a definition of someone... But it can be quite the adversary... a mechanical bull... I... just ... I hope that I can have magic one day... My world ... it's getting punctured by reality.. I went from being very talented and original.... to pining to be original and remotely talented... I used to have plans and follow through... now I have fear.. doubt... more than I ever have... as a result I often come off as jaded or hateful of many aspects of humanity. ... I stick in my head awhile... thinking about how people work... and how I work and how I could possibly relate... there's not much.... I also try and catch myself by saying hey... a lot of your favorite things were shut down multiple times before finding their bearings Bry.... Sometimes that's enough.

The grey skies match how I feel... uncertain... cold and empty... accepting the incoming ice to come....

I applaud that I just cleaned a little bit... and that I'm writing this though... good job... I've pushed it really hard... was just going to go to bed already... that's all I've been wanting is to sleep and eat... I don't want to get back on that train.... I just got off it for a really good while. But even when I am at my favorite physique ... it doesn't matter... everything doesn't clear up...The blow of all the things I feel though becomes lighter.... so that's something. My brain is triggering thoughts that are telling me how good self defeat might taste... telling me to eat wrong... to sleep after and a sleep all day because I "messed up" Nope... I'll never forgive my father... he gave me too many issues that have lasted too long...

I'm sure people have felt like failures before they've begun.... I'm trying to keep my head above water....