Title (I don't Have one)

Listening to some really intense glitchey music or what is referred to as "dirty" for those who like the type of music.

So, basically been 2 days of trying to upload videos that have not made it up due to their ridiculous wait times. I might have one that I have not posted that made it. Actually I think they both uploaded I just never got to put them on my blog because when said videos finally did make it... I didn't care. In the best way possible I did not care .

 

Moving right along, ^_^ I've decided to start the listing thing again... it's therapeutic it really helps me focus and remember what I need and want to do. I came up with a little formula for the blogs to... Briefly touching base on key points so, her we go!

• CURRENTLY: I am sitting at the boyfriend's sister's house watching the wieners- er dogs... okay, dachshunds, I'll grow up lol. But yeah, that'll be mentioned twice in the videos.. because again.. they got uploaded... but never made it here. I like it... It kind of leaves some of the things on your mind behind if you get away for a few days een if it is somewhere relatively close. A  change of scenery.
•  I FEEL: Pretty damn good actually, I worked out on an elliptical witch actually made me feel out of shape ... it was surprisingly intense. I'm here with two adorable pups... they're adorable now but give them a couple of days hehe. annnnd I made some lists... which as I said help make things better.
• RANDOM THOUGHT: In the shower today I thought to myself that motivation and discouragement...exist together. What I mean is I see a personal relation between them... A lot of the things that motivate me can also, push me back. It is truly about perspective. Because when I feel low... other people's success makes me want to sink and hide... where as when I'm doing okay and doing what I know I need to, it kind of helps me and brings back the curiosity that I so love.
• I'm EXCITED FOR: a  grab bag of random things. My eye doc appointment, mom's Birthday, seeing my old therapist and last... but most.... NAKED 5K! wooo! Told ya, this was going to be a grab bag lol.
• WORK: nothing thus yet... I keep feeling that I am under qualified for jobs... or overqualified for others. The ones that I really want and care to get elude me. All of the night stock jobs have said no, one of the comic places. I'm not giving up and I'm trying not to give in... I want to work smarter not harder. I want to find a job that I will want to work at most days... because if I don't... idk not a good pretender. So, I'm going to do some digging on being a secret shopper. Sounds good to me for the most part, going shopping, giving constructive criticism, I CAN DO THAT... I don't know we'll see. I hope to have something nailed down before the fall. But if not I am fairly confident finding halloween work... will be easy peesy. 
• SOUND STUFF: So, I'm getting better at things, I'm working at things more in this regard. I'd getting a little more repetitive... which for me is good, because I just wanted to start new songs every five seconds in a lot of the songs that I have done prior. I mean it still happens but... I just keep starting new pieces... which is good and bad... I'll just need to try and buckle down on 3 at a time. But yeah, I hope to have at least one piece by august. 
• LET'S GO MENTAL: Health, Let's go... metal... health... get it?!? You're no fun. :P so yeah, it seems to be getting better by going back to a lot of the same things that I was doing last year, working out... eating as best as I can, listing things, researching thoughts feelings and facts to relate myself to the outside world. I still need to find some help... which I have a couple of leads for... one of them I have to wait till September 1st... ew.. I also need to find a place for eating disorders. I don't know that a group setting would be good for me. Especially because I know personally, that I compare... that might not be good for that sort of thing... I found a clinic but that only catered to ages between 8 and 24.... really? 8 years old?? Friggin social media is turning back the dial and raising insecurity levels at even younger age levels.
• THREE THINGS TO SUCCEED AT: Losing the love handles, finding suitable work, and making the 5k in 22 minutes tops. 
• CONFUSION: A nagging thought keeps pulling at my brain... I can't understand how or why everybody on the internet needs to have every type of social media... I've seen some really cool people that I've liked and seemed to be on the same page become this kind of self obsessed being... Not all. There's Gerard way from my Chemical romance who just happens to be the artist I know of that I respect the most... Because he seems very real. He's open about having to take medication for his depression, his weight fluctuations, and he's non- stop on it, always making new stuff. I mean I respect him more so than I  ever thought when I was an angsty teen. But yeah... I just feel like social media puts up a front.. sure nobody wants to see gloom and doom but I personally don't like seeing people I follow self glorify every 5 seconds or so... Whatever have to adapt or fall behind right? Have to evolve in order to go on. I've always been a little archaic. Welp, this is my highly informative entry. 

BYYYEEEYEEE!!!!!! <B

Static, Signal System

The Original title was going to be called "blacked out" but I wanted to go for something a little less dramatic and worrisome lol.

Sup? I've been losing weight without necessarily trying- don't hate. Like really a pound a day. I'm down to 141. I've been so energy depraved ... I know, I know, am I eating enough? I think so! I've not been doing anything differently than I have since school started... but I have been having a curious regression since then... Of late, I've had many dizzy spells and almost passed out... No Beuneo. I've been eating protein the way the doctor has discussed. All of the doctors that I have encountered this year (mainly dentists) Have told me how healthy I am ( with the exception of some of my teeth. So I don't get it. I should on friday though hopefully. I'll be seeing my doc, bright and early at 8:30 in the morning. Just like I'll be getting a deep tooth cleaning tomorrow at 7: am 0.0. Good thing I already get up at 5:30. Which I'm really guessing if that's a good time for me to wake up ya know. I've been on this sched since may 17th more or less and I'm still tired before the day begins I even go to bed between 10 and 10:30 every night. *shrugs* Perhaps my metabolic rate is out of control who knows? Except I do notice a slight change of pace when sugar gets added to the mix... I doubt it's the bi-polar. I've had that pretty well handled.

I Killed facebook. I needed to. It wasn;t really my thing anyways. It, is a waste of time really. I gave the new account a good trial and error of 9 months though. (golf clap). This isn't bad, it doesn't (necessarily) mean I'm receding into myself again. It just shows that I am aware of my limits. So then there is the answer of why it's gone. Well what spawned it was this article I read about there being a challenge to go without it for 99 days just to see what you get done- how life has been etc. The thought was highly enticing. Along with the fact that this was introduced to me through an article saying that some people respond negatively to face book and might want to turn it off. Well, 99 days is pretty much the end of the year. So maybe I'll be back on depending. I never really liked the concept of having "friends" on facebook that I didn't talk to. Just a collection pretty much. i didn't much care to know about everything everyone was doing- it takes away from catching up. Back before this whole thing people lived their lives out and when they saw the other people again- they had stuff to talk about. I'd like very much for myself to plunge into a real life social pit. Buttt.. trying to do it on my own terms at first. And hopefully the next friends I make will be cool enough to not only be like hey, what are you doing? But to also send me a text as opposed to people who only facebook message. So annoying. It also made me fret to see all of things others were doing... things my friends would do and not give me the time of day for... ugh.

This whole ordeal was kind of like junk food... Like when you don't buy it because you know deep down that if you buy it... you'll eat it... I binged on the attention I was getting for a good while until the well ran dry. That's when I kept fishing and there was nothing left to catch.

I feel that this chapter I'm choosing to live can be a more fulfilling and happier life. In my own world with my nose in my business and everyone elses in theirs. I feel like it will open my head a bit and make me focus on me. I feel that due to my over access to things nowadays that I have lost somethings about myself that I really enjoyed and would like back. I'll take what I need from the rest of the world, but i refuse to let it make me. i'll keep my twitter for my news, keep my pinterest for inspiration.

This time around though, I'm not alone though. Not like prior times. I know I have someone that loves me and cares. And when I think about where, I'd be and who I'd be without him it is scary. I'd like a crew of Halloween loving punkster friends. I would LOVE that. But it's not in the cards for the time being. I know that I'm not alone though.

<B

lessons

Well, I just have to say, that in the few hours that I was out and about walking around that I was in awe...

Today the perfect quasi-autumn day, I was in heaven. Like a very aware meditative state. I usually cannot accomplish such a thing. I can't bring myself to be still too long even working on projects that I really enjoy. well, I started out and what would just be the average walk around the park and come back home... But the park was completely vacant, myself aside and the was a windy, comfortable silence. I sat in what I knew would be my favorite part of the park. It's (what I would call) epicenter. A bench beautifully given the right amount of shade but just the right amount of light on the other side from the morning sun. The leaves were falling around me like leaves. Bliss.

I felt a sense of wholeness welling up, thoughts of past fall happiness, thoughts of the upcoming things to be. Just all of it. I dissected myself and saw my contents. I could feel the kid in me wanting to lead me around by the hand and show me - everything. And let me know that he was as elated as myself. I caved into him wanting to stay for a little bit and we continued. :D

Like the father in me I knew that I must work on my projects today to further my findings and progress. But this high I had was so rare. It was felt in my chest... physically felt.

I decided I wasn't done with my walk, that the bite of that minute stroll was only a sample and I wanted to be on board with a broader venture. So, I walked to my favorite Coffee shop. I walked everywhere today without headphones, something that was very scary for me in the past. But now it makes me feel less tense. A lot of my music transforms me. it feeds into my creative side, but it is not the friendliest. I thought about many things.

I thought about how much I was thinking and why I was. The questions were answered in quick succession. in the past, I did not have very much exposure to... much of anything. It kind of forced me to think and become very aware, of myself and other things. I remember for the most part only ever reading, listening to music, drawing and going out with friends. But it all came full circle. The things that I were doing fueled me into what I was doing, thus when I introduced people to what I had to offer it was organic and very... me. I got to see people that I made deep connections with and my outings with them spawned a lot of ideas too. I hardly ever got to use the internet and or watch television, play games etc. I'm not saying I didn't want to it's just that they were inaccessible. I took in all that I could from what I knew and learned and I didn't worry much about the world outside of me till I had to deal with it.

I often come into contact with articles on how people are now kind of struggling with things because of social media. Everything needs limitation, everyone including myself needs to practice it. But I mused... I basked in my ability to pinpoint things so quickly and I bounced ideas off the conversational Bry inside of me. The part that speaks reason but is a smart ass too- The best of me :D.

But moving along, I can't recall all of the thoughts nor would I want to make this thing even more of a beast than it already is.

At destination my barista looked like Velma from scooby doo. I told her that too, I said I hope that's okay- I smiled. Chai is good. Sparkling blueberry water is also good which I also got... as well as some sunglasses.

AHA!! On the way back I really thought about my impulses being a little haywire lately. Which is odd because I had better self control back in the winter? weird. I bought the chai and the water... fair enough.. but sunglasses? I honestly have 5 pairs now. Smh. On I went recognizing the issue and how to put a halt on it. So Bry, you need to tone that down buddy... set a limit per month, and try to for other habits you want to quit sure have a vice or two whatever. Impulse preorder on an album today the same day it was advertised but his music is like crack to me. so, fix.

Finally, I got my hair chalk -in ruins- most of the chalk is still in whole pieces.. but all of them were out of their proper places and smearing onto one another... I don't care as long as they work mind you but... if they don't oh... I'll be as polite as I can. Misc thought 2. I want to go back to my old roots/ logic. Use it till it's burnt out. Meaning use it till it breaks, sunglasses, jackets, anything. That way when you get the next thing it is brilliant feels awesome and you feel like the dead product gave you all it could.

<B