U is for Underwear

i don't know why underwear... was the first thing that popped into my head.

hello again, Bry.

So today, is going pretty fast and pretty good... it's not taking for ever like some other days have felt this week. I've already cleaned up the house a bit... Reached out in the forums I frequent, looked up jobs, offered music to some youtubers I know, and, well that's about it thus far... But I feel that still... the rest of my day is up in the air... I need in the very least 2 more hours with music, ... I need to add more poems to the anthology and I will probably hit the town for the drum circle again...

I may or may not attempt the nerd Nite but that's because I found out yesterday that it it is... nerd... Nerd like... Sciencey.. not nerd like dorky... comics... monsters and stuff..... *shrugs*.

I'm gonna try and force myself to go, because: for one my friend not go... which in my adult mind shouldn't be a reason and is likely an excuse because I don't want to venture into the cold.

that alone might be enough to keep me away from the nerd nite thing, because if I'm already uncomfortable.. and going into more uncertainty... hmmm seems a little shaky on how things might go down. But! you never know... I sure as hell have surprised myself numerous times this year, and it's barely the 2nd quarter of the year.

So as I see it if I go, it starts at 7... at least 2 hours of music and half an hour of adding to the anthology leads me up to about...  5pm.

*looks outside... listens to the whipping wind*

Ew.

You know for a decade I had let my hair kind of define me... I'm still playing with it obviously but still... there are more pros to have my hair short than long. I mean, saves money, both on hair cuts and gels, and sprays, and dyes and bleach etc. This crappy stuff called "wind" isn't as much of a pain in my ass, no bedhead, no one can mess up my hair.. bees can't hide in it (that happened once),

The only real downsides I see are that my head get's a little colder in the cold seasons, BUT! there's a plus to that too that means that my head will be cooler in the summer! I can't do much with it, thus it keeps me looking very nearly the same everyday so- I have to rely more so on what I wear and accessorize some in order to make up for that I feel... *shrugs* I love being able to look at things with a couple of different angles. It really helps to keep you from being bummed about things that can't be controlled or just things that you don't like.  Alright well, I'm going to try and do whatever it is I'm going to do now, MUAH! <B

O is for Orange

Scream all you want no one can hear you. Take a tear at the night if you can't help but feel that you were left here on purpose. furrow your eyebrows and try to convince yourself this was all a mistake and then move on to convince someone who might care...  Freedom lies in your veins, that very same irony bars you.

i don't know what all that's about i felt it come on... so I went with it. Today is ... odd. Like yesterday was odd. I'm not sure if it's due to the breaking of bedtimes or indulging in certain foods or both really... But I'll step back on both of those as much as I can... I mean after all.. no one really likes admitting they need sleep... No one wants to admit they can't eat what they want all of the time.  But that's just the reality of things. I know that I might not get to watch certain things if I go to bed early, bu that's too bad... I'd rather be more awake and alert the next day... I keep telling myself too that I will work on my music more and more... Giving only about the last hour or 2 of the day before bed to myself... It's far harder to accept our needs and have to's as opposed to our wants and desires. I need to work more. Perhaps not harder... but in higher amounts... there might become a time where I am up for hours beyond my sleep... that habit will most likely form when I really start to understand the software I am using. It took me a at least a year and a half before I found out pretty much everything I could in my original program.. I felt a little like I should have been wearing a dunce cap.. I could have learned that in 4 months tops, had I been at it longer... But that's been done. I just need to make sure that I get into and crack the info for what I am working with and make sure i get back into a flow. 

I know by instinct how to damage my ambitions... I've done it for too long. I must train...(take it as easy on myself as I can while doing so) to be something that both a younger and my current self can just be excited about... I've been feeding this fire little by little and it's been showing... 

Sure it will suck in the beginning ... a lot of things do... i keep telling myself... Bry, you don't have friends so where is your time invested... it's not like people are distracting you. I've gotta take this more serious in regards that I want it... Even I don't "Create" anything I have to learn what I'm doing and work with it... just doing that enough ... putting in the time is what's most important... 

That's my little rant...

I'm also not 100% certain I took my med yesterday either *shrugs* I did today though so, there's that.

I'm going to go and try to be productive. 

<B

Outside?!!

The (mostly) helpful (kind of hopeful) curiosity I have is coming back. Slowly creeping out like the plant life is starting to. I just keep reconfirming the momentum I'm taking up... It might feel like I'm moving at a snail's pace, and I might be but the point is getting there.

I went to the art group I sometimes attend yesterday and it was really good to have a discussion on this specific topic. Part of being around the occasional people and or persons is to relate and know you're not alone. That's just what yesterday did for me. A really awesome person I know is kind of in the same boat. She struggles a bit more than most people too but has an idea of when to step back and when to push on.

Admittedly, I've been a little stubborn and or hesitant to step back. Because I feel like if I'm not working on, my body, or the end of my poetry I'm trying to publish, or finding the first job that haven't settled for and especially the sound stuff. I find the day goes by infinitely quicker. Do I feel like I've done most of what I wanted and or needed to do sure! But there's still this itch. With working out I can say I'm going to do this for the day, do it and turn it off till tomorrow, simple as that. I find it interesting that I also have a similar problem with accomplishment. It's easy to be struggling and get discouraged and stop. Interestingly, I've noticed that once I've had a breakthrough or feel particularly proud of something. I feel like I have completed the day and it's time to stop... When in reality, Should keep going either way.

But anyways back to where I was kind of trying to go on with this. I feel the positive vibes can only feed into the motivation. Thus I need to seek them out and go out and find like-minds and connect. Last weekend I went to one of my favorite places and I spoke to everyone I saw that day. What's more is I initiated the conversations. For the most part they were one on one or I was talking to two at the same time but I still felt very excited. I plan on going to a drum circle on Tuesday to fulfill three things. 1, Possibly meet some cool people, 2, I love percussion and there will be free drums provided, 3, it's in a place that I love where I can get some nice tea.

The rest of the year, (as it had been last year) is pretty much laid. I feel like this is a pattern now. I know I want to have the poems together by the end of April, have them edited and arranged by August, and have them published by the end of the year. (As a side note I know that I want 1 hardcover for  me, 30 paperback prints to "distribute" and have all of the rest in an Ebook. )

I also know about earlier mentioned fun things, like going to the nude resort next month, and weird Al concert in may, the nude 5k. Florida. But I know I'll take my final classes this year too and what they are. So if nothing else I know the blueprints for the year.

Yup Yup, A happy healthy mind for this grey day. <B

I'm hiding don't look!

.... what did I just say!?!?!

well, this is awkward.

I've been making video more so lately, I feel they give a little bit more character. I'll probably look back at them less, I don't know yet as I barely lt look back at my typed stuff. Unless they are super fond moments like the one August morning I had that was just super euphoric.

Sucked yesterday Because i really love what I had said... I know what I said, kind of but it is mute. OH No! 

It basically said that I am throwing myself at what I need to get done. There are two major things I am looking at and my day will revolve around those. They are: learning music and studying youtube videos and doing my own personal digging around. What sucks for the most part is I am off the radar. I don't have network connections or things of that nature yet so I have to start from scratch. I feel like many people in the biz for the market that i want to enter are a little older anyways so I'm not fretting too too much. As long as I work on it everyday for as long as I can I should learn... and grow and get closer to the dream. But there is a balance. I want and need to be around people.

The second thing to devote attention to is job seeking both traditional and not.

By now it's fairly evident that I'd rather be one behind the curtain than center stage. That being said, I feel the best job types for me would be stocking and or truck loading and unloading, always liked that aspect of my other jobs... I felt free compared to the rest of my peers. Didn't have to wear an apron, all I had to do was pull in our stock, take inventory, and put it away. simple and very little dealing with others. 

The video pretty much states that I have a nice mixture of seasonal affective disorder, bipolar, and social anxiety... so I crash faster than most in social situations. Probably due to my consistent lack of friends and confinement to my room. I want to if possible, find work inside of the house first. If not I'll venture to find aforementioned work behind the scenes. (random I spell aforementioned right but messed up spelling behind.)

I often times wonder if I welcome it or do it out of habit.. the whole room thing. But then I recall that tremendous itch I get to be outside.... uh oh. conflict of interest. I want to work with music and sounds and be in the digital world... and get to be outside!? hmmmm.

A lot of how I feel is a bit paradoxical in nature. So, a lot of times I have to kind of shrug and say... okay, whatever happens, happens. 

I also skipped the video today because I am wearing the same thing from yesterday. I tend to do that in the winter because no one knows I'm doing it... he he he >;)

So, job research and hunting, and sound research and hunting one thing is for sure...:

 (you should watch this episode of Adventure time by the way "Another way" is the title)

Hipstick

Another vid

Home is a Tomb (dramatic title included) (dramatic content: N/A) (and also there's a video)

HERE"S MY FACE

14 is Falling

Black is December's color

Depressing Color I know... but it is the end of a year. The Color suits it.

Thanksgiving went well.

I ate the most admittedly, I almost puked XD.

the and of this semester beckons as well as the end of my group therapy.

Yet, past mentioned possibilities await.

It's been the best year for me in many away, and I look forward for what's next.

cheers. <B

patch work

After my class yesterday... or during rather- either or. I talked over a very present feeling I have been tossing around in my head about the music.

I've expressed my sometimes apathetic feeling about trying... and that I repeatedly challenge those doubts with statements like:


Sure, you can't lose if you don't try... but you also can't go anyway...

So many things that music requires also apply to musicianship. It's an eye opener. Music, especially for a complete newcomer needs practice... practice takes patience, and patience is acquired through discipline. I keep getting more and more. Feeling that things are running in a a great big circle. That a lot of what I am uncovering is very relevant to each other.

Back to my talk with my instructor. He basically reaffirmed all that I just said.

I've been opening my ears to so much more music and finding things I probably would not have listened to in the past. Lately a lot of what I've been listening to is pretty mellow... or- not what I would expect I'd be listening to a year ago.

This music is great... it's giving me feelings... I can't express.. it's been years since music has evoked deep feelings... Yeah, sure, I'd have many rebel anthems, and songs of standing back up cued on my mp3 player... but not too much that made me think and made me feel a deep sincerity.

One goal I have in what ever my musical endeavors turns out be that I can reach people and do for them what my influences have done for me. I want to reach out and be involved with them.. My instructor stressed the importance of community yesterday as well.. on how it helps you to keep learning, helps them to learn, and ultimately networks you and helps you do better.

I'm very lucky I have a supportive boyfriend behind me in this. Perhaps with the coming days, I'll have made some friends that are similar in that regard. perhaps some friends with music interest in my classes.

But digging further into where I want to be... rather than further into myself ... oh... it's scary but feels..right.  I can't wait to try my hand at the radio station of my school. and see what I do. I was thinking of calling my hour Ecclectica (an hour of difference.)

The thought is to use this time as experience with the equipment, getting some music people might not know about into their ears, and being a little self-promotional. I would largely start it out by playing the music I listen to, all of the genres. I would try and play about 1 or 2 known songs for every song of mine. That way people might be more inclined to stay and investigate. As for the self promotion, I think it'd be really cool to kind of wedge some of my stuff in as filler or background when I talk (if I do). I'm constantly trying to connect people to music when I can so this might be a VERY great way of doing so.

Sounds ambitious... ^_^

I also think that it is really cool what my final project will be for my art appreciation class. I'm going to make a poem and a song... They will be related... I'm going to probably make the song first and then right a poem based off of that or vice versa. So- hopefully what should be something fun for the rest of the class. considering I only talk to one person in it  and most others will be drawing or painting.

RANDOM RANT 2: THE SHORTS OF IT.

People... especially of my age group.. I politely inquire... Why are you wearing shorts in this subarctic weather? Why are your coats gently collecting dust on the rack? I see you fine, and oblivious from the slit in my ski mask, 3 layers of jacket , and mittens... is it because warm doesn't look cute? Do you suffer for the aesthetic? Hmmmm you're probably not from here... we do live in Ann Arbor.... <B

Woop Dairy is!!!!

 I've been entertaining myself with that this morning. Picturing some doctor responding "Whoop dairy is!" after his patient saying that dairy is a little confusing. He's also doing the whole raising the roof thing with his hands. This has not been something I've had happen or even seen on T.V.... just from my brain.

For the overall good I'm going to limit these to writing for a half hour again.




_-2014-_

Goods:

1. I went back to vegetarianism
2. My guy and I made it our first year <3
3. went to the rock and roll hall of fame.
4. I did my first 5k
5. I went to my first nudist place.
6. I did some other things I wouldn't have normally done.. did. and happy I have.
7. went to chicago
8. Started music classes
9. Had my first small publishing and open mic night. 
10. Moved into a great place!

pains:

1. I caught a flu at the beginning of the year (I rarely get sick so I wuss out when it happens)
2. Wisdom tooth extraction
3. new piercing ;p
4. over 10 visits to the eye doctors due to a messed up eye.

I'd say the pros out weigh the cons

-[2015]-

I plan to be more proficient of course. 

1. I plan on getting rid of the little bit of excess weight I picked back up. 
2. teaching discipline in other places than food especially music.
3. trying out hosting an hour on my school's radio station.
4. Self-publishing the stuff I have and getting more involved with the poetry scene out here.
5. keeping strong organization
6. getting that drivers license that my eye has kept me from working on.
7. going to other groups, trying out going to the dungeons and dragons night at vault
8. producing stuff more frequently in the way of music- 
9. Putting up profiles on sites only for the music.
10. & others

<B

Here comes the sun (lamp)

Beatles references...oy vey

I sit here briefly to just scatter some thoughts... give a thought cleanse if you will...That's what journals are anyways.

LET'S DOOOO THISSSSSSS AH! 

My eye... if not fully recovered feels almost perfect... omg please pleASE PLEASE let's keep it this way!

Today will be my first day back to school and so I'll have to arrange all of that snazz. I also have to finagle my school sched for winter- have to ask some questions to various parts of school etc. I'm super grateful because... eye pain is HORRENDOUS... I never really thought about it ... I mean you can't see which is frustrating... and you can't focus that well because of the pain digging into the front of your face... getting anything accomplished felt like a feat. I didn't even work on music much... I worked on tunes.. and individual pieces for songs... but not on a song specifically anyways... ( a topic jumping Bry is a happy Bry) This weekend was good and weird all at once I'll explain.

In short, bi-polar aside, I am susceptible to S.A.D. (Seasonal Affect Disorder ). Double whammy. But I'm counter acting everything in the best ways I can. S.A.D. is brought on largely by a lack of sun... which. without the sun it's harder for one to have as much Vitamin D... Vitamin affects mood. So, for the last year I've been taking it, all year, and in the winter I use my sunlamp every morning.. Sometimes more if needed. Seems to help. Again I jumped topic. The weekend was weird because I can feel the shifting of seasons... there is a distinct feel of desolation I gather in the specific months of November and January. But that's not all bad... I can pretend I'm on a baron ice planet with flickers of hope. ;p. which is what Michigan becomes in the winter anyways hahaha.

December is great though... I'm thoroughly starting to enjoy christmas more... mainly due to the festiveness of it and the unity it signifies... And like Halloween it has many interpretations,... I guess all holidays do. It also has several color variants... I mean you could go... gold, green, red,... or... Candy cane- red, white, and silvers (My secong favorite) or my Favorite- which could be seen as the depressing version.. I love the Icy look of blue, silver, and white... It's the black sheep of them all. 

ALSO as I am now obsessed with time and more electronic music... New years is becoming way cooler... I mean it's the fall a year giving way to a new one... I like to pretend that this is the precursor to that desolate ice planet I mentioned earlier... full of celebration before the dawn. Apocalyptic. 

I got a little head start on 2015 anyways. But I think I'll write about the end of this year and what is to come next time. For now I'll just leave a couple random thoughts... I want to share on: CARS & STICKERS.

I'll try to be quick and precise. Why?! it's your car, yes... but it's an eye sore.. you like michigan? great no one needs to know. you're pro life? wow, no one cares... Oh, you're a republican, and the parent of an honor student??? *sigh* Maybe it's my ocd about wanting a car to look nice. I don't know... It kind of just makes me think of when little kids put stickers all over everything... but in all fairness I am well aware it's all about preference... the stickers drive me mad. I'm positive tattoos draw the same thoughts from others. I mean com' on I have an eye "on the back of my head" ...pffft what a douche bag XD

<B

Origins (before 5)

Reflections. A little bit of back history In case I forget... But I have a good long term memory... I remember things that are trivial to most. Yeah.

I don't remember too much before this... I remember being alone mainly. I guess I never really broke that habit. I had one friend though... and we did EVERYTHING together. He was my first exploration into sexuality. I know how sick that sounds. But really if you look it up- it's quite common... kids are curious... and even more so in broken homes in broken cities... T.V. acted my 3rd parent. I took all that it had to offer me. I took in odd aspects. I took in associations with villainy at a young age. I always wanted to be the villain... Even then I felt that something was off or missing... a lack of energy even at that age. I sensed a disconnect with the other children... I cried when left in kindergarten... I tried immediately if I remember to leave. With good reason I'd discover later...

 I''ll brush over the three main points of school. Racism... I was picked on for being white... When I stood my ground... when I unknowingly called a kid back what they called me (The N word) I was chastised severely due to majority of the staff being of african descent. It's how children work you know? They don't think twice before redirecting words... even if they don't know what it means. Lastly, I learned to keep silent... I learned that most of my words were... wrong? The teachers were prejudice too.

Outside life was comprised of roaming around town... and hanging out with a girl that I had thought was my Topanga... I was a wild child around her I guess. Unkempt. The T.V. taught me about adult stuff... and I ... assuming that it would be know different shared with her what I had with my friend... geesh a little pervert indeed. I got sent home away from her for a week. When I returned I apologized and said "it's okay...  You're aunts the one who is fat and mean (or a bi***... I don't recall fully but I did say fat..) she told again and I think I was not to go over there again.

I spent most of my time in my room as a result of these events... I watched T.V., I over ate... and played with strings pretending I had magical powers and I would save the city. But I didn't fully choose to be a loner... when I was at home I'd usually be sent to my room to play with toys.. so my dad could either watch adult things... or attend to his "herbs"... You don't do that... you send the kids outside to play. Sending your kid to their room always implies wrong doing or trouble... if only just in subconscious thought.

But then I took on a new space.. The basement.... It's here my old soul wold first present itself... Here, I would eat my dinner, here, I would read, and listen to classical music. I was able to identify I knew when Beethoven's Fifth Symphony was playing in a movie... Not By composer or title but by Sound.

Halloween was always a staple for me....

T.V. Shows : Spider- Man, Creepy Crawlers, Bump in the night, freakazoid, Sonic the hedgehod, and Reboot.

Music: The Blur- Song 2 and Torn By Natalie Imbruglia .

Torn was the first song that struck a chord with me... I felt it... I understood it in and odd way... The lyric "I'm all out of faith" ...

<B

Frosting train

WOOT WOOT!

It's been a week, I've been floating around here and there... not particularly doing anything. I have not heard back from the sex place lol. School has been good though lol. With the strange exception of a new potential friend that I cannot hang out with due to a jealous boyfriend? An excuse, or a jerk of a guy... I don't know really. Ummm I had my first publishing, and reading in the same week... needless to say I was like a cat in the rain.... (cats hate water, so  the image I have is that the cat is happy to be outside, but is really looking to get to safety.) It was good enough to get published but it was a small victory only in a school chapbook. I was reading and have published work that I saw as sub par.... that's it! I'm only going to use the "big guns" in the way of writing. People told me it was good and what not. I'm not discrediting what is good when I tell you. I'm not happy with it. In my opinion, all of my greatest inspiring artists will be pretty point blank about their art. these poems were not my best work... Only one of them was semi- thought provoking and inspiring. I want to give back to the people like myself out there. I want to find them and give them what the artists I adore have given me. Regardless of what I've eaten, what I've done, or haven't done yet- I need to be there for myself. I really need to start diving into the words (interviews and writings of) my artists... because they push me, and inspire me about as much... if not more to get my feet racing... I'm already moving at a sprint compared to years passed. This year has been great- it's not over yet but I am calculating what next year will be for me. If I do not have my poetry published twice more... I'll last aim for my own book being published... the final step will be the reach for self publishing.

Wow that was a lot heavier than I anticipated it to be! However, I do feel it to be uplifting so that's good.

Yeah, I'm anticipating on next year- but I'm trying hard to stop depending on tomorrow.

I had my dear friend at the poetry event... Which made me  very proud... I always thought she would be there should something like this finally happen. Thank you :).

So I've indulged in much frosting... Tsk tsk. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying I have a vigilant eye atm. Trying to live not entirely through my eyes, my head, or my heart... but all of them... it's hard not being over thoughtful, over feel, over aesthetic. [negative thought omitted] This week will be medicinal. Tomorrow I see the eye doctor, my counselor, and my support group. The following day, my regular doctor, and the day succeeding that I will be seeing the dentist. I've worked so hard to cement things this year both mentally physically and emotionally. So cheers to that- Stay with me there's on more paragraph.

Bry... BRY wake up! It's Autumn (though you'd not entirely know it) and tomorrow is your month!!!! HAIL HAIL! (felt right it was lyrics from a song I'm listening to) This weekend is the cider mill, then, treats with the midgets, then I'm another year older.

"Is this the year we get our rocket launcher arm attachment for our arm?"

"No... that's next year"

"Makes sense that's when I'll need it"

Who knows if there is anything before or in between crossing the fingers right now. I am going to start pushing myself into society (Necto monday mainly) I need to relinquish my fear and distrust of the world. I dart back in forth between  seeing trust as an opening in my the lightweight armor I wear.

You can't be throwing grenades if you want people to know you're a nice person . I can easily share myself with girls... but for the boys, my one man army is on a hair trigger.... Reconcile this Bry, somehow... reconcile <B

dead skin

Okay, I said I'd be chipper. Fake- It- Till -yamakeit # bad muthafucka. But yeah this last weekend felt really good starting out with the said haunted garage sale. This was a gathering formed by a crew I never knew existed called the Motor City Haunt Club. After all this time scouting for other like beings... I found some gathered under one roof rejoicing in orange and black. There was a mixture of both purchased and custom made products. I got a couple of things. I got some mini figures of  Ash from Evil Dead, Chucky, and Sammy from Trick R Treat- he is my favorite! And, he like Ash, were the last available! Sammy is mainly my favorite because he the film he is from made him a very distinct face of Halloween for me...  He's menacing and adorable. I also got a Nosferatu poster- which is pretty great due to seeing that for my first time last year with a live organ being played in the background. The deathbird's song sings. Due to the weird feeling I've been having though... I didn't take from the experience what I should have... I was still highly guarded and even then couldn't make sense of it. But I least I've joined the group. ^_^

The birthday party for the BF's niece was really cute. I spoke to most everyone ... after some Angry orchard.. probably couldn't have done it otherwise. I ate so much... sugar and white bread lol. I'm not condemning myself for it though. good. This was a really great weekend.

Still pacing around my head on the right next steps to take... don't want to make a side-step on a narrow path by accident... likewise, I don' want to underestimate any heights I could fall from. that's all I'll say about that because I'm tired of talking about it... I have to deal with it. I'll do what I must.

the new Celldweller album is awesome (as expected) the lyrics to the song "Lost in Time" resonate EXACTLY with what I'm thinking about lately.

" A problem im not solving
Eternally revolving
I wandered from the pathway
Praying you will come to save me

I feel lost in time
but if I wait for direction my lifetime will pass me by
I feel lost in time
I think if live for forever this feeling will never die"  

<B

Quite possible...

Anything, as long as you put your mind to it right?

"Where there's a will there's a way"... "All you have to do is want something, and then let yourself have it!! okay, so that last one was the grandmother from Halloween town explaining spells- SO WHAT?!? Same principle. I'm at a power struggle I am, I am!

What is it now Bry?!?! Identity. I've had a very flimsy definition of self- for ... forever really. All I know is I classify myself as different... a bit eccentric.. confused.. immature... kinda responsible? Point that I'm attempting to make is... How does one strive for their own path when they don't really know whose path they are looking for... and I don't want to pull my disorder card (but I will). Bi-polar messes with consistency.. if you know me you know this. This might be one of the many reasons I plant myself so deep into Halloween... it's all I know I have... at the end of highschool... I never payed mind to what came next... things kinda slid down the hill. But I did have plans and things I oddly enough did... I feed on constructive criticism... I keep biting dry sources. I tried to watch a video about HVAC by the way... B-o-R-i-N-g Maybe it's cuz I'm hands on? idk... All I know is I want to make some good choices now... Isn't life all about trade offs really?

Eat that cake- it's delicious... but there's the guilt. Oooo a pleasant sugar buzz too but no good. Relating to my epiphany.. I can choose the one I would snooze over work for someone, Know my day almost everyday... be exhausted- that's my interpretation of HVAC.

It's finer points are the fact I'd have a set structure.. which I do well with. I'd get vacations, weekends off...  But then... I KNOW I'd always question what if about the music. I'm sure I'll do that in what ever direction I move but that's just how I am. Ponder...ponder...ponder. My  gut is broken of late... can't follow it.

When I dropped out of High school... I knew I was going back that same year and graduating.. I felt like I was making a terrible mistake and I almost cried that day... But! I stuck to my plan... I just barely got accepted (the final class I needed had a last slot open..) but I achieved it.. I did this with a care free attitude and when people seemed shocked or worried that I bailed for those few months telling me "Make sure you go back" or "hope you know what's best for you". I Didn't care... I had a plan... and also, I had free time. Maybe the over analyzing is what's keeping me at a stalemate...

Unfortunately, the way I learn a (mass) majority of the time is through crash and burn. I've been getting better about reconfiguration of things... short term... heh.. THIS is why going on a long journey for a degree would kill me.... I've very nearly used the aid allotted for the certificates... I can imagine the circles I run in dialing up my loans if I didn't have a roof I'll hit soon.

So, I think I just have to live... it seemed to work before. Easier said than done.  I mean could I be a writer? Is that even a valid option? ... random thought..

I've been dodgey of people due to being highly unsure of all of these things... which is sad cuz I want to show people how cool I can be. I keep meeting people who are gifted... or have their things... their talents... I... don't know what I'm good at... I have a tot's attention span... the soul of a jaded old man, the heart of a child, I'm pretty sure my brain is just this weird mixed media soup, and the curiosity of a cat. I have no clue what my calling is these things considered. I can write and kind of make music... But that's all I am really good at...

As much as I want to float and say that everything will meld.. like I did with school... My defenses are hair triggered. Maybe I should lay back... thinking about this all day everyday... trying to burn both ends of the candle... new blog soon.. more light-hearted... involving my membership to the motor city haunt club, the halloween garage sale, my new friend, and more <B

Such a tease

COME'ON!!! I'm already indecisive!

I woke up up today a little grumpy... let's just say it's appearance anger lol. Hey, it happens. Got a lot done within the last 7 hours. I did my exercising, and then I tore into it. I checked into craigslist and found a potential job at Wiard's as a monster for the haunted attraction "Horror Nights". Indecision strikes again... Something I want to taste...yet it cock blocks 2 of the things I've been after all year. Halloweekends.. and potentially the Halloween greenfield village with the kids... So, I'll weigh everything out and I'll just go through the motions. I'll go, I'll apply and see how flexible theey are, perhaps I can have my birthday weekend off? At least my birthday? We'll see I might only be able to make the weekends (excluding friday) anyways as the horror begins at 7:15pm. I don't drive, and the bf doesn't get home usually till about an hour before. 

I also found about about the haunted garage sale this weekend in Bellville... OMG! I can find some people who get me... good, great! ^_^ It seems like it organized by some people called the Motor City Haunt Club. Maybe I can join? So what's the biggest part of the day regarding said indecision? Well I was doing the research over the fields I could potentially study... Looking at my first pick, the Audio engineer, and the HVACR I saw something interesting... they are about on the same level of pay, and need. I took a look at something I never saw on my schools site. The information it gives is the percentage of students surveyed who said that they found jobs, and both were at 100% Engineering said that they found work within 180 days. HVACR said they found work within 100 days. Now... I'm a little skeptical of either move. Both seem to be on the same level. Both have the same potential for downfall. Oy Vey. <B

Uncle Anger Pancakes

mmmm pancakes

Wow... I don't even remember what I last talked about, I'm too lazy to look . OH! it's been like... saturday.. ish? Little has changed... a lot more self discovery as the norm for this year I'm pleased to say. 

Driving, I'm good at turning, I'm intimidated in some areas though. but otherwise I'm good, when I achieve this, the feat of being able to drive- I will have accomplished 95% percent of all goals this year. The other 5? I need a tooth guard to I don't grind my teeth away. On Monday... er... yesterday I had a really good and well needed conversation with my college adviser. Turns out there are some moth holes in the plan I had spun to attempt a couple of certificates simultaneously. Turns out for what I am looking for, I am only allotted so many credit hours... Most certificates range from 15 to 20 credits... I've done 37 and most of them were failed attempts at what I thought I wanted. So, I have about enough credits to fulfill one certificate... The specifics of that is a mystery but I'm going to study up. I might have mentioned at least one other route, Heating, ventilation, and cooling. Well, that is something I'm keeping as a prospect- front of the line in fact. But again, going to look into other fields. What I need from the work will be the following:

1. I feel I need to be behind the scenes, like a repair person- a specialist in the shadows... kinda like a reverse assassin. You know, fixing things instead of killing them? Bah, you're no fun.
2. This next one kind of ties into the first one. I want to be able to maintain myself and whatever fashion I so choose. if I want sleeves of tats so be it. 
3. I want something that will give me money of course. While I really wanted to do music there was/is no guarantee I would make it unlike a skilled trade.  

Now, I'm not throwing out the music aspect of things... it will still be a part of me as much as my writing... (which  I've been neglecting to learn more about music) but it will stay a hobby for a minute. You see the reason I want a job that can fulfill some fairly good income is that I have high hopes for going back and taking the classes for the music production by paying for it. That is, if I'm still into it- digging the idea whatever you wanna call it. I felt growth in the very instant of meeting... The words fell from my mouth with such ease admitting that I should steadfast to a trade,.. at least for awhile. - Of course, holding the fire of the dwindling aid beneath is assisting in my decisions. But Everything I said and thought converged. - Try later. 

Ohhh that's about it... I got a new hat today... tonight's a full moon, the air is very comforting, I've got a lovely caramel apple for devouring, Ummmm yes- food. Along with having a good amount of sleep. I've been trying o allow myself to indulge a little more. I've had a lot more energy and been happier. I mean I have my moments where I look at my tummy and I get paranoid... but for anyone who's ever known me... gut or not- I'll probably see one anyway... which I'm also going to address with a nutritionist! after all these years the root of many of my evils might be decoded. A LOT of my bad moods and what not have been due to my weight and self consciousness - Always talking about food (whether love or hate). So yeah, finally getting this in the open should really help me be more hospitable. 

Fall is fighting... it's calming down... I keep saying it... but I think it's close... Fall... Halloweekends opens this friday. Still need to find someone to tag along to cedar point for my B-day next month... I'll cross my fingers but my friend count went down again... not even because I was mean or anything... what a drag! I'm handling it fairly well though and that's all that matters. OH I met some cool people in my classes perhaps I can collect them?!?! ...oh that was creepy... REDO: Maybe I could be friends with them. (Much better) Both super nice... and one of them... oh man... one has a vicious sweet tooth too... peer pressure- I can feel it already. <B

Bowels

[fart noise]... I'm mature :D

Yesterday was really cool, Don't remember if I posted or no, let's go with not.... So, I saw a shit ton of my family yesterday. Saw mom, Saw my uncle which I haven't seen in 6 years, saw my grandpa which I haven't seen in 6 years. My uncle was really cool, I never really knew how to talk to him when I was younger, maybe I couldn't relate? I am not really sure but relationships of all kinds: family or friends are really important to me. Grandpa was really doing well it seemed in the nursing home, which was a very nice place. Sometimes it registered that I was his grandson all grown up, other times, he wasn't. Asked me if my mom or my dad was tall :/. He did however make a comment of self awareness admitting that he doesn't always have a grip on his thoughts. When on the subject of school I told him I was following music, surprisingly he said excellent... and he said it with enthusiasm! THAT was one of the most touching moments I've had with my grandfather... EVER! :D thank you Gramps.

Today was also the beginning of something new... I started drivers training.... Whoa man... I just got done with it in fact! The woman... was crazy.... GOOD. It was this big black lady and she was super funny and calm! I was doing so well, we both thought... a little rough on my braking, and distance between the cars ahead of me but other than that I'm good apparently. Today our main focus was on just getting the feel of the wheel. we basically just drove forward with the occasional turns and what not. Tomorrow... round two!

Now, for the rest of the day and future plans. Today I'm mainly going to be cleaning, tweaking my Halloween make-up, and internet window shopping. All signs point to this weekend kicking off the fall!... I'll be waiting <B

At the end of an empire..

^_^ Fangirling!!!

Well, due to preordering the new Celldweller album I just got the free download of the single from it!!! It's very different, more rock oriented than the last it seems... but with a name like End of an Empire... it's not gonna sound like a dance album.

This weekend was pretty F---- awesome. Didn't do too much but it was really nice. There was a lot of food involved as many other peoples. There was alcohol... last time I drank was...  a month and a half ago. So, my drinking isn't very prevalent. Ummm, I haven't used ketchup in about a week believe it or not... barely using condiments... using the hell out of deli mustard... which it like 1/3 as bad for me as ketchup. Got some caramel apples... new cologne shaped like a skull. FINALLY got some eye liner too, so I can now do more test runs for my husky make-up. After all, October is only a month away!!! Have you seen all of the displays and  the caramel apples... I saw an open orchard... Yes, it's true... And, since I check the weather religiously it says that this is the last week that will feel like summer. I just came...

Health wise this weekend has been good. I've been pretty alive and alert I feel... It could be the sugar I was ingesting or!... I bumped my wake time to 7am... Not only does that feel more natural for me... but I feel better throughout the day. I had a couple of dizzy spells ... but I don't know why... I ate everything all day for the entire weekend... I only drink water and plenty of it so... I'm not dehydrated. Odd. Today, I get to go to the best class I have ever taken so far! This is going to be pretty great. You need a little something everyday I feel to help push you along... Or I do I at least.. I need some positive things for my day to go well. I get excited about going, I come back all excited that I'm learning more. I've made some very wise decisions this weekend. I figure I'll go for one certificate at a time! Why not?? because first off, it'd be a little less confusing and that way I could be taking classes that interlock and I could easily get one certificate out of the way by going full time every semester. I have to fight to live beyond my upbringings. The one thing that I love... is I may quit for a minute or two... but I never stop thinking... and I'm persistent. I guess that's two heh. ALSO! I think I'm going to not go for the comic idea just yet... I think I'm going to work on writing the story see where that goes, if someone will publish it, or if I have to etc. So, I don't lose all of my other ideas I decided to just work on them all sporadically, as they all are some extension of me... some projects are bound to pull more from you than others... you'll never know unless you give them all fair chance rather than... no... just working on this.... I also feel this is how a lot of writers, musicians, and other people who put stuff out rather quickly do it... Is they were in the process of working on this or that before their last work was put out for the public.... So, let try it!

WEEEHHOOOOOO!! It's time for things I'm looking forward to!

There are surprisingly a lot more this month than I would have believed! To kick things off, Tonight's episode of faceoff is going to be the competition of the judges!!! Badass!!!! Next, I start drivers training the same days that are seemingly going to sail off into the cool depths of the fall. Then Next Tuesday.. is a full moon!!! Then over the weekend more training and my boyfriend's niece's princess themed birthday party... I'm going to dress up... you know... as a prince ;p. Then... Celldweller's new album the following Tuesday. The next Tuesday is the Autumn equinox. The last Tuesday of this month is Gerard Way's solo album. I told you September is only a prelude to October. <B

The golden chalice

The holy grail, the unicorn of my life right now trying to achieve my elusive balance again. Who's a broken record? This guy lol.

Yesterday I became sluggish, lethargic... both? I hit my slump and I din't know what to do with it. I never have really... I just stop and I can't do much of anything... I did sleep till 6:30 today- is not the schedule I want... so I'll keep pushing my wake time to be later (until I reach 8). It's either that or, pulling my bedtime back... and nobody wants that. I'm sure that if I keep the same bedtime and go through my trials one of the times will just be... right. Should I wake up early, I'll get up that must mean that my body had enough. Today for example, I could have easily slept at least another half hour... but I attribute that to waking up at 12:30 Am due to my eye hurting me again... So I lost a half hour of  sleep waiting till the pain subsided.

I really hope they get back with me about my eye exam referral.

I spoke with Best friend about what's been going on with her and what not... that's all I really had to do... I knew that.. I just for whatever reason didn't want to? Odd. We're supposed to hang out soon. I've decided too, that it's also good to have a plan to some degree but you will literally die trying to account for everything. That, being said I want to let things happen organically. Do what I need to but not labor on potential consequences or the potential rewards. But allow for them to just be.

Found lots of new music, been into a lot of score type stuff lately. Reflective of what I'd like to create I suppose. Lot's of Charlie Clouser, and a new score person whose done music for an impressive amount of television his name is C.M. Dess he's even had his music in a Harry potter movie. A lot of the music behind shows I'm finding, are kind of like the writers and more behind the scenes people. I'm fine with that if that's what I become. By all means some people will be curious enough to seek me out. Anyways this stuff is multinstumental and the kind I usually listen to is the electronic metal fusion. It suit for my love for all things rock and electronic... so kudos. I think I might be bold enough to venture to that new coffee shop! OOOO and I get to finish my Halloween shelf today!!! this is gonna be good! <B

Ozone Coffee

It's out of this world. puh... that is an over used space pun if I ever heard one!

Yesterday... OH I'm gonna punch that nagging negativity that keeps rising up ... punch it square in the balls and then pour salt in it's eyes. Yesterday was good enough in the first half but man... when I hit that outside world my attitude plummeted. I've been very intro-verty.. Avoiding eye contact... being the only one of a classroom, or group to not laugh... I think that I'm pulling into my little hermit shell because silly things. Intro-verty won't cut it with making new friends lol. I got over it by eating my feelings. But it wasn't all too bad. Besides I got creative with it... I wanted something sweet and all I had available to me was a packet of hot cocoa mix... Not wanting hot cocoa... I thought hmmm. I went for the all natural peanut butter and mixed it kind of making this weird peanut butter cup frosting. It was rather delicious.

Today, Is fair enough no complaints, Kind of cool and breezy, sunny day... A holiday weekend in my midst, and a lot of ideas, of things to do and see and the like. I want to go to guitar center for their big sale to maybe get a better functioning audio system. I want to go to this mysterious and shady little coffee shop I found a hint of when I went to pick up my fizz water. No, literally - there was a sign saying "Secret Coffee" with a little hand pointing in the direction of the back of building. ... It's an addition to this wine and bakery... so maybe it's worth checking out. And being one of the first customers has it's advantages you know... I love under ground things..I also want to go to this store right beside it Called Ozone Music. I've been intrigued by it for the 4 months we've lived here...but never got to it... Feeding off of the positive vibes of my new class I am super curious. Going to My boyfriend's sisters this weekend. OOOO and I have this awesome Idea! I found some top 100 Halloween movie lists online. I thought it would be fun that when my boyfriend and I are bored we could watch the movie in correspondence to how many days are left till the big H. (I know when I talk it makes perfect sense to me but not everyone so, I'll explain). Tonight there are 63 days till Halloween thus, we'd watch number 63 on the list. Screw all of the T.V. stations and their 31 days or even worse... 13 DAYS of Halloween... that's all fine and good. But don't they understand that September is but a prelude.

What's on the agenda? tinkering with my music, some writing, some taxing phone calls to caseworkers, optometrists, a little painting, and some cleaning. Later I get some Sprat paint.. because I'm impatient like that and While I could say... "Well, I painted all of this by hand... Sure it took some time but... It taught me what it means to be a man..." I'd rather save the life lesson speech for grandpas.

<B