icky icky whoopoing.

Monty python.

SOOOOO been a long time. Been busier than I'm used to which is both exciting and damning at the same time. I guess the past, and the current are one an the same for the time being.

I guess what I mean to say is, aside from a stronger motivation to get things done... I've been working far harder than I have before. and this started slightly before my classes too!. The classes are just amplifying things a bit. I've been trying to keep occupied at nearly all times... there, again is so much that I want to and hope to accomplish, and I'm late in comparison to many... but hey, I'm also ahead of some people too so, there's that.

I've gotten back into writing the abandoned story that I had started writing last year. My teachers as they have spoken have pretty much confirmed my attitude about things of late... Just do what you want to as far as art, if you mess up oh well! If it's crazy or sounds dumb... doesn't matter. Something good can come of it. you never know! If it's not obvious I resonate with both of my classes. I listen attentively to both my management and acting class teachers. The acting class I'll say has already been an experience and it's only been two classes. The first act is already this coming Thursday. It's easy enough for me to become a little overwhelmed with many people around as it is. But to have focus on me is very uncomfortable. BBUUUUUT I did that for a reason. You have to do scary things... things out of your norm... Besides, I like having random insights and such. I've met a handful in that class. But one in particular is super cool. Thus far we get along quite nicely! I've started up some talk with some strangers and what not... offered to share my umbrella. All things outside of my original design. But, that last part is really crazy, how many strangers do you think, would care to invite someone from the rain like that? In my head... my jaw dropped... but it felt sooo good.

As for today, I'm a little behind on somethings, I've rehearsed my scene for an hour, and recorded some of it, so I can tell what I like what works, what doe not... etc. I quit watching it because I had to move along with the rest of my day, but the last part I saw... I really liked the motions used. Very much... I got the feeling of it being organic... and just... right. ^_^  So I felt my chest swell with butterflies and I moved along. because for most things, I only find an hour appropriate, that way I can get all that I want done for the day, work on the story, learning audio etc... BUT I spend 2 hours writing, 1 on the bus and before class and the other when I get home... I do spend 3 hours on music, but I've split it into 3 sections: self exploration, research, and actual song creation.

Right.

Today is basically the end of the month, so my focus when I get back from counseling will be primarily on cleaning... Spending about (again) an hour one each room... And some other stuff.

Good vibes. <B

a thousand times yes

PAST: This weekend The BF and I went to downtown Plymouth to see what was out there! It was really cool! Really busy and alive... didn't seem like Michigan at all really. I tried some candy I never had, and went to a blossoming young comic shop called Blaze-Thru comics, the owner was pretty awesome!

CURRENTLY: Still watching the dogs witch has been pretty good! the best time so far I think. I've still not started the day fully. I've been looking up new music (Blanck Mass) and looking into what exactly Hedonism, paganism, and Wiccan are. I actually Identify with all of the above. It's really cool.

FUTURE: Upon looking up this stuff I found an event I've been curious about for a few months happening tomorrow for witches. A sign? Maybe :). Then a possible wedding thing this weekend, nd then mom's b-day the following, and then the race the weekend after that... It's weird that June has been the busiest month .

FEELING: in between slackerish, and excited from all of the new information I've picked up. I feel like it's kind of late in the day, but I feel better rested I think. I feel pretty awake, And like I have to.... pee... DEATH TO THE UTI!

RANDOM THOUGHT: Kinda, Did you know what Hedonism actually is? It basically means what I have been saying all along about how I believe that life is about seeking out the most pleasure usually by the five senses, and as long as it is not harming anyone else. I've always felt this. So it holds happiness in the highest of regards essentially. Good stuff>

WORK: None to be found still... the leads grow smaller , my searches are quicker... I don't want to settle but I also do not want to fail at my next job... I have to call my caseworker. and see if the job rehab thing will be a good thing to do. I don't know if I need her but assume it's referral based.

SOUNDS: I've been working a lot more. once a day, not as much as I should but that is already better than what I have been doing the last few weeks. I'm learning to be fairly repetitive in songs... Most people like that... I'm also working on learning how to make things blend better and not pop out awkwardly. Learning to compress and equalize can be tedious but it's a (sometimes fun and) necessary evil.

HEALTH: I've been fluctuating in the mood department... as most are aware it's related to my self image. If the image is unsatisfactory, I'm not the funnest. And I've been eating icky things lol. Out of boredom... and to kill time. BUT I have started to write list and and things of that nature... Maybe that can be a cool strategy to help keep me centered everyday. Write a list, about whatever... I find great pleasure in lists and statistics!.

CONFUSED ABOUT: Why I let myself slip up Health wise, when I've been doing my best? It's happened like that a couple times going in circles... Last year I was upwards up till about May, in regards to emotion. In regards to getting things done and HEalthwise, I'd say I starting sliding about... July or August. I don't know, *Shrugs*

Everything in a nutshell with a bag of chips... that was lame for you to read probably as it was for me to type lol. But in the very least if your rolled your eyes... well.. I made you feel something. Have a splendiferous day!   <B

Title (I don't Have one)

Listening to some really intense glitchey music or what is referred to as "dirty" for those who like the type of music.

So, basically been 2 days of trying to upload videos that have not made it up due to their ridiculous wait times. I might have one that I have not posted that made it. Actually I think they both uploaded I just never got to put them on my blog because when said videos finally did make it... I didn't care. In the best way possible I did not care .

 

Moving right along, ^_^ I've decided to start the listing thing again... it's therapeutic it really helps me focus and remember what I need and want to do. I came up with a little formula for the blogs to... Briefly touching base on key points so, her we go!

• CURRENTLY: I am sitting at the boyfriend's sister's house watching the wieners- er dogs... okay, dachshunds, I'll grow up lol. But yeah, that'll be mentioned twice in the videos.. because again.. they got uploaded... but never made it here. I like it... It kind of leaves some of the things on your mind behind if you get away for a few days een if it is somewhere relatively close. A  change of scenery.
•  I FEEL: Pretty damn good actually, I worked out on an elliptical witch actually made me feel out of shape ... it was surprisingly intense. I'm here with two adorable pups... they're adorable now but give them a couple of days hehe. annnnd I made some lists... which as I said help make things better.
• RANDOM THOUGHT: In the shower today I thought to myself that motivation and discouragement...exist together. What I mean is I see a personal relation between them... A lot of the things that motivate me can also, push me back. It is truly about perspective. Because when I feel low... other people's success makes me want to sink and hide... where as when I'm doing okay and doing what I know I need to, it kind of helps me and brings back the curiosity that I so love.
• I'm EXCITED FOR: a  grab bag of random things. My eye doc appointment, mom's Birthday, seeing my old therapist and last... but most.... NAKED 5K! wooo! Told ya, this was going to be a grab bag lol.
• WORK: nothing thus yet... I keep feeling that I am under qualified for jobs... or overqualified for others. The ones that I really want and care to get elude me. All of the night stock jobs have said no, one of the comic places. I'm not giving up and I'm trying not to give in... I want to work smarter not harder. I want to find a job that I will want to work at most days... because if I don't... idk not a good pretender. So, I'm going to do some digging on being a secret shopper. Sounds good to me for the most part, going shopping, giving constructive criticism, I CAN DO THAT... I don't know we'll see. I hope to have something nailed down before the fall. But if not I am fairly confident finding halloween work... will be easy peesy. 
• SOUND STUFF: So, I'm getting better at things, I'm working at things more in this regard. I'd getting a little more repetitive... which for me is good, because I just wanted to start new songs every five seconds in a lot of the songs that I have done prior. I mean it still happens but... I just keep starting new pieces... which is good and bad... I'll just need to try and buckle down on 3 at a time. But yeah, I hope to have at least one piece by august. 
• LET'S GO MENTAL: Health, Let's go... metal... health... get it?!? You're no fun. :P so yeah, it seems to be getting better by going back to a lot of the same things that I was doing last year, working out... eating as best as I can, listing things, researching thoughts feelings and facts to relate myself to the outside world. I still need to find some help... which I have a couple of leads for... one of them I have to wait till September 1st... ew.. I also need to find a place for eating disorders. I don't know that a group setting would be good for me. Especially because I know personally, that I compare... that might not be good for that sort of thing... I found a clinic but that only catered to ages between 8 and 24.... really? 8 years old?? Friggin social media is turning back the dial and raising insecurity levels at even younger age levels.
• THREE THINGS TO SUCCEED AT: Losing the love handles, finding suitable work, and making the 5k in 22 minutes tops. 
• CONFUSION: A nagging thought keeps pulling at my brain... I can't understand how or why everybody on the internet needs to have every type of social media... I've seen some really cool people that I've liked and seemed to be on the same page become this kind of self obsessed being... Not all. There's Gerard way from my Chemical romance who just happens to be the artist I know of that I respect the most... Because he seems very real. He's open about having to take medication for his depression, his weight fluctuations, and he's non- stop on it, always making new stuff. I mean I respect him more so than I  ever thought when I was an angsty teen. But yeah... I just feel like social media puts up a front.. sure nobody wants to see gloom and doom but I personally don't like seeing people I follow self glorify every 5 seconds or so... Whatever have to adapt or fall behind right? Have to evolve in order to go on. I've always been a little archaic. Welp, this is my highly informative entry. 

BYYYEEEYEEE!!!!!! <B

B00M

Teehehhee

Last couple days A.K.A the weekend were cool in a big way.

(not sure when my last post was, probably like wednesday or something. )

Friday was weird, when I let my issues kind of take over, and just ate, and slept, and did nothing... Yeah, one of those. 

Saturday was different. Lately, I've stressing on the two major factors in my life right now which is trying to learn what I want to learn in the realm of sound, and two finding work to hold things down until the move to Florida. (Finding out locations to move and such is it's own story. 

Last week I fretted, going back and forth from the plan of doing have a day of sound, and half a day of music.... to doing one day music, one day jobs. Both of these stressed me out.

In the past, I would think about things so much and stress so much importance in things that I kind of paralyzed myself. This was the case with the two patterns I was attempting. i was coming at them all wrong really. I should be doing both everyday, with the job as my predominant focus, but darting to the sound and music when I need a break. I learned this on Saturday when I didn't feel I HAD to do anything. it was in the back of my head I and I did it.  Same with other chores and wants that I have. I should really just do them in the time that I get tired or frustrated with the job hunt, and music, but of course return back to the hunt. it's good to have a more of a want mentality than a need. For the most part we all want what we need. When you want something (in my case at least) I am more inclined to move. 

Yeah Saturday was a good one. because I came up with some other great solutions and what not. 

School: I will not be taking classes in the spring. There are about 2 or three classes I want left and I can utilize the summer to begin work back up. I would definitely have to start work though... or stretch 1,000 over the course of 4 months 0.o Financial aid would give a cash boost in the fall, and I would not have to start paying back my loans until about the time we move to Florida. It sounds like I'm trying to skip out but I fully intend on paying it back. When I work I will even set aside money just for that purpose. The more I organize the faster and stronger I become at things.

Work: I need to for multiple reasons. First is to help my Boyfriend. Second is to start building up cash to start paying my loans back. Third is that I want money to feed into the new sound habit... It's really addictive when you start to learn about things. The plan is to look for more of freelance jobs at first, searching for those types of jobs for about a month.. The beauty with a lot of the ones I'm looking at is that I could do multiple jobs that equal out to one regular job. I have no problem with that considering that I get bored pretty easy. The most I've ever stayed with one job is a year by choice. The only thing with looking for work outside of retail and fast food is that there is quite a lot of uncertainty. let's say Macy's is hiring, you know it's legit because it's a big well known name. burger king the same thing. Venturing outside of those realms though, risks must be taken. The only way to really know in a lot of ways for anything really is to try it. do it. Worst thing, it doesn't work. You won't die. 

 Part two of the work hunt plan is to look at truck loaders. That or as a final option. Working overnights. I might have stressed before that working nights might be an issue for my well being... Hard for me to judge completely because that last time I did (and had a mental breakdown) there was so much that I wasn't used to that I overloaded and crashed. A poor diet of sugar, salt, and grease, Energy drinks and coffee constantly pumping through my veins. Two back to back jobs that equaled to about 16 hours a day or more, and I had a mental disorder that had not even been diagnosed yet. So, I might be able to work nights, who knows. The only issue I'll have is I'll miss the sun. But to me I just have to balance the dislikes of missing the sun to the dislike of dealing with people. People can make or break a work experience, I'd in the very least like to have some awesome coworkers, let alone care about what it is I'm doing or selling. I'd be way more proficient than feeling like I just lied to a person between my teeth about some terrible product they just bought. 

Self joy. Not masturbation. I know that it is truly good for one to do at least one thing for them self a day if not a couple small things. It will help fuel you by making you feel good, and the cycle goes on. I'm going to try and practice this again, when I get stumped in all of my online ventures. (did you know that staring at a screen too long can actually make you tired? I didn't. Love psychology) One of the ways I'll capture some magic daily is to just sit and listen to music, do nothing else just sit with headphones in kind of a meditated state. I used to do this a lot when I was younger and it helped me to open my head and be a little more creative and invested in doing things. The other is walking. Especially now that the sun is starting to show more. If we get through this month like this. There's a pretty good chance that Michigan's spring has sprung. 

Alright, that's all Going to check the weather, probably walk, and then get to work.

<B

Running to Ambient

I don't recommend running to ambient music, it's only irritating.

It's been about two weeks, (I cheated, I read the last date I published.) A lot of thoughts and things have just "been there".

After Christmas, new years, winter semester starting where am I?

I'm there man... I'm totally there XD

Where?... Where are you Bry?

A weird head space. Where I'm more balanced than I have been in the past and more alert of certain things. But I'm not as receptive some days.. most of these frost and drear laden days.

Rewind....

I've begun my yearly staggering a bit. I didn't immediately find my balance and I still have not polished it.. I'm closer mind you. It's hard for me to enjoy some things on some days... these days are a little bit of an imploding grenade for me (self destructive). I say, I'll take it easy on myself... That I'm tired and my focus is very little. So, I'll try and present the idea of chilling out and staying idol to myself... Should I take the bait, a strong feeling of guilt, or self disappointment ensues. It's not debilitating. But it is rather counterproductive.

I know I'm not alone in this.

I need to return to the drawing board. Literally. I'm a lister.. A person who thrives on order and plans... Also a person who gets put off fairly easily by redirecting. Think of a car going as fast as it can and then slamming on the breaks as it turned. That's what it's like.

So I've established that I can have my balance and my order... but I Have tunnel vision, when I get things in my head... they get glued all over the walls like fliers for some indie band in a bar.

I'm getting better about slowing down and turning... Maybe that's the issue... I mean I can only blame so much on the weather, or bipolar... the doc says I do everything pretty well, that I'm very healthy...

My counselors have said that they think I am ready to get out there and make stuff happen. I am,

And lastly, on this specific subject there's one thing I have to remind myself of... It's only January. Patience.

"but, but But... Now?"

"what you want and what you need can be achieved.. but you need to keep giving it time and energy."

Doubts, are a useless item... sometimes I'm aware of that... When I say this I Have a little ... mantra? I guess that's the word... Leave no room for doubt, and in my head I'm thinking about coffee.. Doubt will change you, and add unhealthy qualities.

I think I've decided (after some real thinking, talking with people online and common sense)... that making a song and tossing it out every 10 days should not be considered.. no... Not yet at least.

How i let the notion of quality over quantity slip my head I do not know. A song is done, when you feel that it is the best and it sounds just right to you in every way... if it's not? then it's back to the computer. I really met up with this thought a couple of days ago, when I was going to put up a new song... and it wasn't done... it wasn't coming together. I erased a lot of it... added a lot of new things, and almost completed changed the entire song last minute... I was far more impressed... with where it is GOING. It's not done... and I don't plan to abandon it. I feel to strongly about it having he potential I see in it to carelessly toss in mismatched pieces just for the sake of saying " look what I did".

In the future, after some growth, and experience.. Then maybe  can toss out a little bi more and say, hey... I can do this a bit faster now.

Well, I'm off to battle the nasty thing that is S.A.D.   who knows, maybe I'll go somewhere to help inspire, and or wake me up! ~_~