3 months

Yeah, that's seriously the best that I have in terms of creativity. That title sucks, pardon it please?


But anyways at the time of my writing this we stand 3 months from my favorite day. I'm not sure if I've expressed this, but as I grow a bit more refined in my taste and what not. I am slowly gravitating more towards savoring the anticipation of the day itself.

What does this mean? Well, it's pretty much as it sounds... I'm looking forward to looking forward to the greatest day of the year. Not only is is my favorite but it is the gateway to my my other two favorite holidays: X-mas and Saint Patrick's day.

I love living in the anticipation of it, rather than the day itself being at hand. If anything I often times feel myself to be slightly depressed the day of Halloween itself, because I know I'll have to wait AGAIN!

Why do I even like the day so much? I can't really explain it without a comparison. To me it's much like a comfort food, a security blanket, and mental vacation all in one. Knowing what those things are and their purposes should help to better define what it is to me. Also, most everyone has that one defining thing about them that they are known for. I'd like to think that I have adopted a holiday as my 'persona'.

As I've aged... I've started accepting my quirks. That's not to say that I'm still not sensitive. I am, that's just one facet of myself  that makes me, me. But rather than necessarily feeling paranoid about reacting or responding to something in a way that reflects my personality I am more proud to let people know about my interest.

This time around I feel like I understand that I am "different" and the likelihood of that ever changing is very insignificant. I accept that just as I can't understand why people would vote for the current president, or support guns, or try to overbear and control the lives of others... that those people most likely can't understand why I love a childish holiday to the extent that I do, why I love music that isn't kind to the general public's ears, and why I don't abide by other imperative norms.

But I have to be myself and stay true to it as much as possible no matter the dislike that it may or may not foster. I know that for the most part I am a very niche character (I might even type-cast myself a bit) and that I will have more frequent disagreements than most.

The pay off to this is: less self resentment, and allowing those who will appreciate me to find me. Most every star (especially of the more bizarre variety) just did as they needed and felt.

I once heard that as a person, most people's personalities have solidified by the end of their twenties, and I would agree with this on a personal level.



ONE A LESS DEEP NOTE!

I finished up the summer semester as of 2 weeks ago. I survived both with scary results... AA!
Haha, fooled ya. I got an A in the both of the couple of courses I took. In one, a solid A, and the other an A-. I was stunned by that last one, I swore that I would have gotten a B at best. but yeah! pulled it off!

Just last week I met with my new counselor... honestly I think that what I will have to (and should do) is switch counselors every 3 years, unless results are markedly presented.

Okay, 30 minute timer is up, that's all for right now. I'll attempt this more frequently, but now I'll just say: No promises.

Take it easy!

Autumn Bomb!

Oh my, my, my... so, last one of these was pre Tennessee visit.  Right?

As a whole it was awesome! Got to eat a lot of delicious regrettables, experience new culture (or lack thereof), got to go to Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum, go to a house of wax, do a mirror maze... and most of all: A haunted house! Yes, the day before the 4th the bf and I went to a pretty decent haunted house. There was another one I wanted to see as well, but hey, seeing only one at the beginning of summer is nothing to pout about.

Even though, admittedly, pout I did. The first full day we were there I was mostly miserable, I stayed up far too late, I drank far too much, and wasn't really into Dolly Wood (one of the reasons for the trip).
It was an amalgamation of things. A looooong car ride, the night before, being off of my routine, being hungover and not having a room to withdraw into when my social battery has been spent. It was hard, but the bf help me manage. I was nearly the polar opposite the next day.

The final 6 days of the summer semester have arrived. Last time I checked I rest at an A in both classes. Which means the worst I could possibly do at this point is get a B. I'm cool with that. In my opinion, with the effort I feel that I put in a B or B+ is fine.

Haha, "Back to school" stuff is already in full swing in terms of retail... pssh I never even left.  Yet.

I get quite the handsome amount of time off. 42 days! That's more than what we get off for Christmas vacation! It pays taking a 10 week class (or two) sometimes. Last year I had like 3 weeks to myself.

Just got to make sure it's productive!

Is it fall yet?

The least inconspicuous hide out

Oooooo man. Again, unaware of where I last left off in these things...

I'm here at my favorite cafe. A mom and pop place...in an (assumingly) conservative city. Weird eh?

Not really. Though following my own interests, I have a strange affinity for conventional stuff. Which... conflicts in the the real world. Though I can accept and enjoy the rustic charm of old school cities and places of the sort... they are not so friendly. Which is sad, because I really enjoy their world... I'm not hurting anyone yet a feel airs of unwelcome every so often. It's whatever. As long as they're not hauling me off to a stake to be burned I'm good.

I've mainly been studying... studying and wrestling with my impulse  control... I've been spending, eating, and inseminating my hand far too much. In an attempt to avoid the spending I disabled the Amazon app.

Phew!

I took my business to the actual web (on my phone, that's where I bought anything anyways.) I bought stuff still... and it's all too easy when your card is remembered and all you need is one button pushed for payment...

So I disabled chrome. My internet browser on my phone. Sure, it sucks when I need some information, bit for the most part it's effective in the way I meant it to be. Now, no shopping, now if I really want certain things I HAVE to go on a computer. Compartmentalizing works for me. I have to have this thing here, and that thing there. It works like railroad tracks guiding me, keeping me better focused. I am best working with one thing at a time... also by limiting the amount of interesting things on my phone I am opening myself to the real world.

As I write this on my phone... This is different though.  This is cathartic.  I need this. And it's momementary. When it's done, I'm done, and that's that. Not mindless zombie walking through Facebook, Amazon or... ahem, other sites. 

I want to use my phone more like a practical tool... It's crucial I do this. My addictive nature has been in full motion this year.

Gotta be a parent to myself. Can't handle it? Then you can't have it!

This seems a bit much to most... It'll definitely be hard for Jeff's family to understand my idiosyncratic behaviors this weekend.

But it's hard for them to understand the habits, because they can't understand my disorder and it's components.

I question their ability to understand. I'll likely have to just say it helps me manage my bipolar better. Hopefully that's enough to save me from the confused, and rather judgemental looks I might collect.

Who knows, maybe they'll be more respectful, and accepting than I give them credit for.  Maybe they'll even be supportive of my decisions.  Anything is possible. Bit I'm sure I'll be prepared for either. People don't need to understand me. I don't need to explain myself. As long as I'm not miserable by maintaining my good habits. That's ALL that matters.

I'm almost done with summer semester you know? Its two weeks away. Thus far,  I have sustained A' s in both classes. It's true, I've done well. But I'm curious how well off I'd be if I studied even more!?! I have felt like I slacked most of the time. Hardly reading chapters 31st cetera. But still killing it? I guess I could just be thankful and not second guess it, but I just want to do well.

But on the flipside of that... aren't those that are accomplished often unsatisfied? Craving more? I also often wonder how well I'd fare if I was working as well... working, balancing my mental health,  and school simultaneously? I... am sure I'd mess up with one. And if that happened to be my mental health you can bet the other two would fail as well. Because the brain my friends,  is where it all begins.

Okay,  enough introspective banter for the day. Hopefully you enjoyed it and have an awesome day.

Bry

(Clever title here)

Oy vey, Im sleepy.

Taking another break from my reading for class. I pretty much slacked all week so I'm making up for it now. I've got 15 days to do a paper. I'm still in the information collecting stage...
I feel a bit behind, but whatever I'll do fine.

So I'm on my 4 day weekend. In trying to relish every drop of it, because I still have 7 weeks left of this semester. Then, basically 6 weeks off! Wooo! Don't even get that much time off for the holidays!

Sweet.

I've been off and on this summer. Usually, I tend to get the seasonal blues during the best two seasons (mid fall and late spring/summer).

Must be in part to the time changes.

*shrugs*

I've been super reflective about stuff as well...

But I'm too sleepy to disclose anymore. Toodles.

An Autopsy of Sorts

So yeah, I'm typing this up for a couple of reasons. First, my brain is feeling slow today and so I feel like I'm talking like Ben Stein. Secondly, our great but sometimes annoying cat proved far too much of a nuisance when I was trying to record. So here we are!

Many moons ago I posted a blog. Somewhere in April no doubt. Again, I won't pretend to know the contents of it. But what I do know is that I had not yet started summer classes. I don't even think I was finished with winter classes yet. But I got two A's in my classes, so that's good.

Classes currently, (only in the second week of 12) are demanding, but fun. I feel oddly confident.

In terms of health and addiction... eh. My brain stem has been getting the best of me a lot lately. This translates to impulses being a little too strong. The brain stem is the most basic part of our brains harboring the need for survival. Frontal lobes when doing their job should act as flood gates... But I've been allowing myself to wade around a bit. Hope that's a suitable, as well as understandable metaphor.

I went through a phase of gluttony, lust, and greed. But somehow... somehow I've managed to keep myself from being a complete recluse and hater of the world. Thus far that is. haha... half kidding.

The last two days I have kept my phone all the way upstairs in a drawer. Reason? I spend way too much time on it.... not on Facebook, mindlessly tapping at apps etc. Plus, I'm 10x more likely to give into the habitual beckon of internet porn and online spending if I'm on it. It's a distraction through and through. Much like anything, you must be aware of things in order to work towards fixing them. And much like a child, if you can't handle something, it should be removed yes? It's interesting how I can count on one hand how many times I've been on Facebook since February. What this means to me is I have the potential to do anything I want. I just need to do it. I stopped soda without an issue. I gave up most meat, without any issue. I gave up Facebook without any issue. Out of all of them... the only one I remotely miss is meat. More specifically chicken. It's the most versatile animal and can be healthy when prepared correctly.

That's enough for now... I know I didn't really give any insight as to what's been going on, but I do very much love dissecting things here and displaying the entrails for any to see.

-Bry  

Look ma!

All in all today's been quite great.

•Forgot something for class it turns out I ended up not needing today.

•Got out of class 32 minutes early, because for whatever reason I was energized.

•Got a haircut.

•Got a deal on my styling gel. What's usually 20 ish for one at meijer, I got 2 for the same price.

•Got my nudist magazine from the UK. Which honestly, I was expecting that at least 3 weeks from now. I ordered it on Saint Patricks day. I have stuff coming from the United States that aren't that expedient.

• Finally, all I have to study today is math, for I have a test tomorrow. I understand it, I just want to help thicken the pot so to speak. I have a 98% last time I checked, and I wish very much to keep in the 90s.

Hopefully all goes well tomorrow.  Not just with the test but with the weather. I am having a Brazilian wax done. These things aren't cheap, especially if you're a first timer.

Kinda goes without saying that I don't entertain the thought of taking a Lyft there. The hope is that weather permitting, I can ride my bike. I'd count that 70 minute round trip  ride as my exercise for the day! Combined with the evasion of Lyft cost, and being crammed into a slimy germ wagon, getting exercise, and enjoying the day... just can't be beat.

Have a good one. Open some windows!!

4NiK8

FOUR-NICK-EIGHT hahahaha!

Okay, okay, back to business! Making up for lost time indeed... indeed. Like my redundant wording? I don't let's stop that -make me!

So I believe I was going to express the addictions in better depth huh? Well, as I have said I have managed to avoid my hand giving me fellatio for almost 2 whole weeks! That is a mile stone if ever there was one. I have not watched porn... in the traditional sense.

You see, when you have an addiction it's mostly mental. Chemical shifts and the like (for me this is something I can physically feel churning about in my frontal lobe. It simultaneously saps my energy and I am left with 3 options. 1.) I can take the old stick shift for a drive. Get the adrenaline pumping hardcore this is to avoid the sleepiness. Tricky no? 2.) I can eat to battle the mental fog- Which leads to over-eating and or eating mass quantities of food. For those of you who know me and are rolling your eyes... Stop it because this is something that is real. Just because I am not morbidly obese does not mean I don't have a problem with food. Eating 3 bags of sand which cookies over the span of a weekend is not cool. Especially when those 3 individual bags are devoured in 3 individual sittings. This makes me feel gross and in turn leads my hand to the appendage of love... omg that's terrible. Once this cycle has completed itself it's worked! No longer tired... Just guilt laden and resistant to do anything else the rest of the day. Finally 3.) I can avoid either by taking a nap. Makes sense right? Give the brain what it's asking for!

I've been taking naps and I've been seeing a veer away from my self-destructive habits.
It's seemingly working. Not only do I feel a lot better, but I am more focused etc. It makes sense to take a detour if it's going to aid in the overall scheme of things.

That being said, I need to try and see the entire picture. I need to have an aerial view of things.
I'll give an example.
A couple of months ago I was watching the news. I heard about some sort of ultimatum involving a little hole in the ground. The way they presented their options were the only ways possible: they could fix it quickly and cheaply saving the city money or, they could take more money from the city now and efficiently fix the issue. The answer was obvious to me. Yes, I understand that it will suck having raised taxes for a minute. But really... what's worse? The very real threat of the hole spontaneously opening again, and then having to fix it again or paying the money to fix it from the get go.
Better yet, in the long run, you might even be saving money, it's just a matter of impatience. Because shelling out money in small increments adds up. Might as well save up... put the money out and have everything be A-okay.

SO easy to offer sage thoughts when it's not your choice.

Anyways, back to porn. So, addictions are a bit funny. Even if you stop the intended habit of online pornography (again 12 days clean) you're brain will offer up alternatives - much like someone who's on a diet rationalizes drinking a six pack of soda to one regular sugar because "it's healthy". Convincing, but false. Tempting but devilish. My mind has been like... look up nude art on amazon, that's not "bad" is it? If I can feel the aforementioned chemical shift in my head... then yeah, I must say no. I even considered doing something sketchy... attaining my smut the old fashioned way...
Yup, the liquor store baby. The smut laden, sobriety smashing, powerhouse of questionable wares.
Luckily for me I had a few deterrents.

1. It was like 10 am...
2. I don't want to be perceived as a smoker.
3. I don't want to be perceived as an alcoholic. Which, I totally would visiting one at such an early time of day.

Needless to say I've been having to avoid the web for the most part... at least for awhile. I know this sounds 'crazy' if you can't comprehend it. But it's completely logical. What do you do with a child if they can't handle something? You take it away don't you? Even for a little bit?
As I have said earlier, yeah I'll use the web sparingly. But not for idle searching... it's just too much. I get lost. I have an addictive personality and can easily get lost for hours in the most trivial of affairs.

I'm trying to dial back to the 90's in a way you might say. Personally I didn't really have the internet in the 2000's. I did but in very brief moments. If I wanted the internet I had to go to the library or visit a friend. Shit, that sounds so much like: "back in my day"... that's exactly what it is. Whatever. When I didn't have the internet I was forced to be a bit more creative. More focused and well, find stuff to do. I most certainly wrote the most back then. To the slightest degree I may have even been happier. It's when myspace struck that added facets were added. Some good, Some bad.

Point is, excess seems to be becoming more and more available for everything. Some people need to live a little bit simpler. As long as it helps me foster happiness I'm fine with that.

Btw, it's 70 degrees out right now. Hope you get to- or were able to enjoy it.