Yeah, that's seriously the best that I have in terms of creativity. That title sucks, pardon it please?
But anyways at the time of my writing this we stand 3 months from my favorite day. I'm not sure if I've expressed this, but as I grow a bit more refined in my taste and what not. I am slowly gravitating more towards savoring the anticipation of the day itself.
What does this mean? Well, it's pretty much as it sounds... I'm looking forward to looking forward to the greatest day of the year. Not only is is my favorite but it is the gateway to my my other two favorite holidays: X-mas and Saint Patrick's day.
I love living in the anticipation of it, rather than the day itself being at hand. If anything I often times feel myself to be slightly depressed the day of Halloween itself, because I know I'll have to wait AGAIN!
Why do I even like the day so much? I can't really explain it without a comparison. To me it's much like a comfort food, a security blanket, and mental vacation all in one. Knowing what those things are and their purposes should help to better define what it is to me. Also, most everyone has that one defining thing about them that they are known for. I'd like to think that I have adopted a holiday as my 'persona'.
As I've aged... I've started accepting my quirks. That's not to say that I'm still not sensitive. I am, that's just one facet of myself that makes me, me. But rather than necessarily feeling paranoid about reacting or responding to something in a way that reflects my personality I am more proud to let people know about my interest.
This time around I feel like I understand that I am "different" and the likelihood of that ever changing is very insignificant. I accept that just as I can't understand why people would vote for the current president, or support guns, or try to overbear and control the lives of others... that those people most likely can't understand why I love a childish holiday to the extent that I do, why I love music that isn't kind to the general public's ears, and why I don't abide by other imperative norms.
But I have to be myself and stay true to it as much as possible no matter the dislike that it may or may not foster. I know that for the most part I am a very niche character (I might even type-cast myself a bit) and that I will have more frequent disagreements than most.
The pay off to this is: less self resentment, and allowing those who will appreciate me to find me. Most every star (especially of the more bizarre variety) just did as they needed and felt.
I once heard that as a person, most people's personalities have solidified by the end of their twenties, and I would agree with this on a personal level.
ONE A LESS DEEP NOTE!
I finished up the summer semester as of 2 weeks ago. I survived both with scary results... AA!
Haha, fooled ya. I got an A in the both of the couple of courses I took. In one, a solid A, and the other an A-. I was stunned by that last one, I swore that I would have gotten a B at best. but yeah! pulled it off!
Just last week I met with my new counselor... honestly I think that what I will have to (and should do) is switch counselors every 3 years, unless results are markedly presented.
Okay, 30 minute timer is up, that's all for right now. I'll attempt this more frequently, but now I'll just say: No promises.
Take it easy!
Showing posts with label pensive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pensive. Show all posts
Monday, July 31, 2017
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
ankle biting
I have no idea what that term is supposed to mean.
And I so very much want to put some of my pumpkin spice hot cocoa mix into some coffee... alas, as every day when I'm trying to lose poundage, it's early in the day and my will is still strong. Grrrr, I wish that last medicine wouldn't have been such a detour. Now I have to start my old medicine all over again... which may more may not even help this time. I've been feeling hopeless. But I keep moving... Somehow I keep moving even if it's a little. Ad I'm taking yet another detour if my old medicine can't even help. Blah. well, sadly... in many cases the only way to know is by trial and error. I'm rather impatient in regards to things involving myself soooo...
We're on the hunt for a new place, the Bf and I. The one place he wanted really bad, I couldn't say yes to. I felt like a monster. But it was dark... there were only windows on one side of the place, and they only really picked up the morning. Which is better than no sun but that means it's pretty dark the rest of the day. ESPECIALLY in the winter. Gross... I know for sure I'd feel like I was locked away... isolated... that's why I had to say know... If I would have lied my mental health would be in bad shape. I need windows, because even when I want to hide from the world, I still want to see it, and come to realize that I still am a part of it... no matter how much I might not want to be at that moment in time. And in fairness, There were only two places we've looked at, one of which I really enjoyed (lots of windows by a busy road and trees) and he did not. I mean I liked it but it did need quite a lot of work... Even though it did have character.
IDK. I'm taking all I do in higher regard than most would for what I'm doing. Because honestly, I feel like doing nothing... just watching youtube and binge eating my feelings until I'm biggest loser size. But, I'm not (entirely), I'm typing in my poetry so that I can make sure that I have it safe, should anything happen to the hard copies... and so that I may also edit and publish them. I'm filling out at least one job application daily as well. Taking steps up. I want to believe it's not about how fast the steps are being taken... and I'm trying not to compare myself with the rest of the world... but I give into these things. Sometimes I'm immune. Sometimes. So surely the slow, steady, movements are better than stagnancy?
IDK, <B
And I so very much want to put some of my pumpkin spice hot cocoa mix into some coffee... alas, as every day when I'm trying to lose poundage, it's early in the day and my will is still strong. Grrrr, I wish that last medicine wouldn't have been such a detour. Now I have to start my old medicine all over again... which may more may not even help this time. I've been feeling hopeless. But I keep moving... Somehow I keep moving even if it's a little. Ad I'm taking yet another detour if my old medicine can't even help. Blah. well, sadly... in many cases the only way to know is by trial and error. I'm rather impatient in regards to things involving myself soooo...
We're on the hunt for a new place, the Bf and I. The one place he wanted really bad, I couldn't say yes to. I felt like a monster. But it was dark... there were only windows on one side of the place, and they only really picked up the morning. Which is better than no sun but that means it's pretty dark the rest of the day. ESPECIALLY in the winter. Gross... I know for sure I'd feel like I was locked away... isolated... that's why I had to say know... If I would have lied my mental health would be in bad shape. I need windows, because even when I want to hide from the world, I still want to see it, and come to realize that I still am a part of it... no matter how much I might not want to be at that moment in time. And in fairness, There were only two places we've looked at, one of which I really enjoyed (lots of windows by a busy road and trees) and he did not. I mean I liked it but it did need quite a lot of work... Even though it did have character.
IDK. I'm taking all I do in higher regard than most would for what I'm doing. Because honestly, I feel like doing nothing... just watching youtube and binge eating my feelings until I'm biggest loser size. But, I'm not (entirely), I'm typing in my poetry so that I can make sure that I have it safe, should anything happen to the hard copies... and so that I may also edit and publish them. I'm filling out at least one job application daily as well. Taking steps up. I want to believe it's not about how fast the steps are being taken... and I'm trying not to compare myself with the rest of the world... but I give into these things. Sometimes I'm immune. Sometimes. So surely the slow, steady, movements are better than stagnancy?
IDK, <B
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
fudge it....
So, it kind of goes without saying that there will be more writing in this thing in the coming months. As I use it to... sort things out. Today, feels like yesterday in regards to a mostly frowning face. I feel spacey. I'm drinking plenty of water, as I do tend to dry out rather fast nowadays for some reason. It helps far more than coffee, which would add to the aforementioned drying out. *sigh* Lots of thoughts whirring about in my head. Mainly about my relationship, our future, my future, what I am what I'm not, who I am and am not. All very deep things that I seem to not be able to focus on for very long. What I mean is, they seem to be in a revolving door in my head, and before I get too caught up in one of the slots the next one presents itself. I guess you can throw in the thoughts about mental health, and work for good measure. I guess I'll try to sort out each here a little bit, after all this thing is my makeshift counselor on the days that I do not have an appointment.
Work, I guess I'll begin with that. I'm looking for it, I need it, I kind of want it... but I am terrified by it. Not particular doing work, but dealing with people. I have my bouts between loving people, and avoiding them altogether. Right now, as in this very moment, I have no interest for meetings. It's just that it's been awhile, 2 and half years since I've worked. I have to be strong and believe that I can and will handle it well. A job would be a great thing. It would inspire some independence and time away from the boyfriend. Which is also good. When I'm filling out apps, I am PUSHING myself to do so. There's also a toss up between thoughts of time. When can and should I work? If I tried to work overnights again, could I? I'd like it because I'd have fewer folks to deal with... but I am not so good about sleeping during the day. It kind of goes without saying that at the beginning I'll be overwhelmed a bit, mainly just in terms of maintaining the oh so valuable schedule of a bipolar person. It's the key to ones success. I think that's all I can mention on that front... NO... wait a minute. I also think that yeah... I'm getting a job... That's fine for just money,... but I wasted most of college... I don't really know what I want to do or... what I'm good at... I don't. It's taken me this long to remotely start to feel comfortable with myself... and not alienate myself to a constant. I want desperately, to be an artist... but it looks like a bleak path. I do well, with structure... but structure leads to the basic type of job.... I don't want to be a doctor or anything like that. My college experience thus far has been the same that my high school was. An amalgamation of classes I was curious in... None of them seemed particularly my thing in the end. But now I have a lot more knowledge in the end. That, I am proud of. I love to write, but...I don't want to be a teacher... I'm the type of person who can't tell if he will like something till he tries it. There have been several things I really thought I'd like that just didn't appeal. Hence the throng of classes without a stable path. I can wish all I want that I was going through this at a younger "more appropriate" point in time, but that leaves nothing changed. I can wish, my childhood life at home was stable and loving enough, that I really could care about my academia and look to the future rather than just trying to survive. I could wish that I would have had to have an allowance, to show responsibility and understand work, and then started working when I was younger. Wish, Wish, Wish. I know I'm still in my twenties, but I feel so far behind... especially living in the shadow of such a prestigious college town. It inspires me through self hatred sometimes. We'll slide into the next topic.
Mental health... What I had said about wishes kind of ties into this... because if I would have figured out things... that I have bipolar and anxiety, sooner... I wonder where I'd be and what I'd be like right at this very moment. I have a firm assumption it'd be further along and far happier. But one can never know such a thing. I'll just say, that due to this thing I have living along side of me I feel like I'm on a treadmill a good portion of the time... I can see what I think I'd like in front of me... I'm moving alright... but I don't seem to notice when to turn off the switch, and walk out in front of the treadmill to achieve it. Hopefully that translated well from my head to text... I really don't wish to be like my parents. few ever do. The goal should be to reach new heights, and make your own empire. In some ways I feel I'm succeeding. These are thoughts I always have, but they predominantly attack when I'm at my lower ends. that's how I'm able to express them to you right now. Obviously, I'm not too down to where I am curled up in the fetal position. No. I've felt the inability to do anything too much when I had the Akathisia. And the meds and such... I need to get those correct to move on and be as function able as possible. I just told myself today while feeling this... there should be no reason to feel sad, without something happening to you. Of course there is the winter and what not... but I'm sure that's only an addition. And then we can tidy up with the last bit of discussion.
Relationships. I've always been rather push or pull. Being Bi polar entails extremes, I know this. when I was little for instance there was a time that a friend had did something I did not like and I chose not speak to him for like two months. I was about five... so that was pretty intense. I got very jealous when my friends would meet and become friends. I felt as the I was being pushed out by the very same two people I brought together. I'm on or off a lot although, I have gotten tremendously better I'd say about it. My disorder distorts how I should be feeling for sure. Sometimes I question if I've loved or been infatuated. I know I've hated... oh that I'm sure. I've felt numb errr... melancholy is a big thing I feel. Of late, I've been feeling distant with my boyfriend. Maybe I'm reading into it too much? If not I'd rather he just say what he needs to, to me. But I just keep feeling like a loner as well... there's this masochistic side of me that loves being alone... and only having acquaintances, and then there's the side that really longs for deep bonding. I'm never 100% sure which voice is me... though I often times side with the one playing for keeps. IIIIIII think that that's a good note to finish on. I'm really proud of this entry. I feel a little better having collected my thoughts like this.
<B
Work, I guess I'll begin with that. I'm looking for it, I need it, I kind of want it... but I am terrified by it. Not particular doing work, but dealing with people. I have my bouts between loving people, and avoiding them altogether. Right now, as in this very moment, I have no interest for meetings. It's just that it's been awhile, 2 and half years since I've worked. I have to be strong and believe that I can and will handle it well. A job would be a great thing. It would inspire some independence and time away from the boyfriend. Which is also good. When I'm filling out apps, I am PUSHING myself to do so. There's also a toss up between thoughts of time. When can and should I work? If I tried to work overnights again, could I? I'd like it because I'd have fewer folks to deal with... but I am not so good about sleeping during the day. It kind of goes without saying that at the beginning I'll be overwhelmed a bit, mainly just in terms of maintaining the oh so valuable schedule of a bipolar person. It's the key to ones success. I think that's all I can mention on that front... NO... wait a minute. I also think that yeah... I'm getting a job... That's fine for just money,... but I wasted most of college... I don't really know what I want to do or... what I'm good at... I don't. It's taken me this long to remotely start to feel comfortable with myself... and not alienate myself to a constant. I want desperately, to be an artist... but it looks like a bleak path. I do well, with structure... but structure leads to the basic type of job.... I don't want to be a doctor or anything like that. My college experience thus far has been the same that my high school was. An amalgamation of classes I was curious in... None of them seemed particularly my thing in the end. But now I have a lot more knowledge in the end. That, I am proud of. I love to write, but...I don't want to be a teacher... I'm the type of person who can't tell if he will like something till he tries it. There have been several things I really thought I'd like that just didn't appeal. Hence the throng of classes without a stable path. I can wish all I want that I was going through this at a younger "more appropriate" point in time, but that leaves nothing changed. I can wish, my childhood life at home was stable and loving enough, that I really could care about my academia and look to the future rather than just trying to survive. I could wish that I would have had to have an allowance, to show responsibility and understand work, and then started working when I was younger. Wish, Wish, Wish. I know I'm still in my twenties, but I feel so far behind... especially living in the shadow of such a prestigious college town. It inspires me through self hatred sometimes. We'll slide into the next topic.
Mental health... What I had said about wishes kind of ties into this... because if I would have figured out things... that I have bipolar and anxiety, sooner... I wonder where I'd be and what I'd be like right at this very moment. I have a firm assumption it'd be further along and far happier. But one can never know such a thing. I'll just say, that due to this thing I have living along side of me I feel like I'm on a treadmill a good portion of the time... I can see what I think I'd like in front of me... I'm moving alright... but I don't seem to notice when to turn off the switch, and walk out in front of the treadmill to achieve it. Hopefully that translated well from my head to text... I really don't wish to be like my parents. few ever do. The goal should be to reach new heights, and make your own empire. In some ways I feel I'm succeeding. These are thoughts I always have, but they predominantly attack when I'm at my lower ends. that's how I'm able to express them to you right now. Obviously, I'm not too down to where I am curled up in the fetal position. No. I've felt the inability to do anything too much when I had the Akathisia. And the meds and such... I need to get those correct to move on and be as function able as possible. I just told myself today while feeling this... there should be no reason to feel sad, without something happening to you. Of course there is the winter and what not... but I'm sure that's only an addition. And then we can tidy up with the last bit of discussion.
Relationships. I've always been rather push or pull. Being Bi polar entails extremes, I know this. when I was little for instance there was a time that a friend had did something I did not like and I chose not speak to him for like two months. I was about five... so that was pretty intense. I got very jealous when my friends would meet and become friends. I felt as the I was being pushed out by the very same two people I brought together. I'm on or off a lot although, I have gotten tremendously better I'd say about it. My disorder distorts how I should be feeling for sure. Sometimes I question if I've loved or been infatuated. I know I've hated... oh that I'm sure. I've felt numb errr... melancholy is a big thing I feel. Of late, I've been feeling distant with my boyfriend. Maybe I'm reading into it too much? If not I'd rather he just say what he needs to, to me. But I just keep feeling like a loner as well... there's this masochistic side of me that loves being alone... and only having acquaintances, and then there's the side that really longs for deep bonding. I'm never 100% sure which voice is me... though I often times side with the one playing for keeps. IIIIIII think that that's a good note to finish on. I'm really proud of this entry. I feel a little better having collected my thoughts like this.
<B
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Hyding
Jekyll is elsewhere.
It's been really rough for me the last couple of days....Weeks, But I'm going on... I'm trying to do what's needed and expected of myself. for myself. I am the only one that matters in this regard. I've been feeling a lack of interest with most everything... staying up late... craving things that would make me damn myself at a later time... Yeah I'll go as far to say now that I am in fact depressed... Nothing new... it's the way of things... Regular everyday people get the blues... but it usually takes a lot more for them to get them... the blues that is... and for the most part they seem to be able to patch themselves up rather quickly in comparison... I've always looked at others after the fall and saw them do so... I watched my gaping wounds saturate... and I watched the rest with needle and thread... they heal quite fast... Not fair... but the hand I've been dealt... if I spend the game wishing for a new hand all I'll do is lose right? Right... I've taught myself in the past that it can be so very easy to give into my shadow... to eat all I'll regret... to pardon my eyes from the world for as long as I can... purge my wallet for means of a short lived smile... It's like trying to kill a phantom hunger... you can't touch it but you know it's there... grabbing at your insides making you feel this ill hatred toward yourself... and the world... and how it made you into what you hate... so then you say fuck it all... nothing matters.. I'll lye here and rot... I might have those who care now... I need more... but I'm only as hopeful for that as I am finding god... I'd rather skip the egg hunt. I feel like a vampire.. and not in a fun kind of pretend way... not at all.. the kind that hide from the light... the kind that want to infect... the kind that will bite, but only enter if you invite them... Manners are all they have... bound by something unknown, that keeps them here though they'd rather not be... also feeling an emptiness that is momentarily appeased by the flush of another's life.
"I hold the whole world accused, and I've only got myself to blame"
Lyrics I've heard while typing this... Perfect in relation to how I'm feeling... I try to no think of the world beyond... because I don't care to see all of the people and their adventures happening before me. It reminds me of earlier said "missing components". I love this guy.. we are from different cuts of cloth however. When I'm up... he's down... and vice versa... I don't want to sit around all of the time. I'm 25 years old... I'm not the typical 25 year old mind you but I am still young.... I want to go for walks and I want to feel alive... really much like a vampire I seek other people to sustain me... Been feeling very similar to villains... ever since I was little I always identified with the villain... I always wanted to play him when play fighting. I know I'm wasting the day away... I woke up late today... I almost didn't work out... almost just stayed in bed so, that being said... I'm doing exceedingly better than I intended to. earlier it was my intention to avoid you, to stay in the room until you left or were asleep. It's not like I've not barred myself from the world before... I'm an expert... whether it's the confines of a specific room, or an entire building... I can stay inside hide quite well... And as the title insists I can also Hyde just as well. if not better.. Brood and hate... and frown... This is who I'm trying to evade... he beats me down as hard as the world if not harder... He's the one who pushes me out of the way when he's had enough of being silenced... he's the voice that answers when I've reached that special place no one hopes to be.
I'm looking into counseling for the eating.. for the sex... for stress, the anxiety... the constant state of confusion I drift in... people without an illness can never really understand it... it's not fairy dust... it's not our fucking imaginary friends... It's our inner demons that happen to be a bit stronger than others. I don't like talking like a 14 year old emo kid... nobody likes reading it... But I just have to spew this out... spew is a good word... like vomit... this is all trash I need to say... But it's all real... it's even more real when bring it into view... And here it is on the screen... where I can nod and agree and say... I've been there... I am there... and I will leave again... This stop is on the list of least desirable locations to live in... This is a good blood because of the bleeding... because I am draining so much raw emotion into it... I wish I had tears... but given my lack of certain feelings... I have not been able to ... for a long time... I can't recall when, I actually cried... at least 2 years ago if not 3... I need other friends... I tried to reach out and make friends with another person with similar afflictions... she's in the same state... I can't do it... though she and I are in the same pit... I'm looking for the signs of ways to get out... I'm trying to keep focused... I know... I know... that's what it takes to get out of here... stay under the weight or push back... the more you fight quicksand.. the faster you'll sink... the faster you sink... the more you'll panic and so forth. You have to calculate as much as you can... so if this is making sense... this is why I can't have that type of friend... she's at a different level in the sand and I have to focus on myself...
Again anybody can say they understand somebody's mental troubles... but that is a lie... they can only understand the concept... it's not something you know about it's something you feel... and something I would not want anyone to have to endure... I can never ever understand when people whine about trivial things... the prom queen who didn't get the right dress... the kid who didn't get an allowance raise... I try to think of how those are irrelevant in comparison to my problems... and then I turn my head a =round and look at how there are others who would rightfully laugh or spit on my issues... people missing senses... people who are terminally sick.. That lessens the sting if only even slightly... it helps. At least nowadays I know I'm not alone... no one ever truly is... and that helps as well.. There is without a doubt someone, somewhere on this giant rock that is feeling exactly or very close to what you are feeling. Some worse... Understand that. I used to think that I was this being... this cruel imported joke from somewhere other than this world... I had no idea there were and are people out there who love the things that I do... but I found some through the internet... albeit, I've not met any friends I can hug... no tangible people... just text, and assumed personalities.
I felt a twinge of hope... a slight lightening in my heart. Felt good. I know I've made my mistakes... maybe more than most... that is just what it is... I have to carry the same acceptance with knowing that I also learn slower than others... .. and interesting fact about this weird emptiness and all the feelings that I am having... I can recall feeling them from years back at very specific moments.... I actually remember wanting to end myself before I was even 10... I don't know how serious it was but I do remember threatening to smash a brick into my head... I recall feeling... hollow... even then... I knew I was different back then... I still feel it... but on a positive note... I feel like I have a calling that I am ascending to.... when I am high on those moments... those are the moments that are worth living...
Some of this entry is part forgetting to take my pill (I need to start pulling those out for myself when I get breakfast). Part of it is that I went to bed late, part is that I "ate bad" last night... Part is that I am envious of all of the friends and the plans that are being made... but a lot of it are the hormones within... I won't ask for apologies... nor will I apologize for anything I've written. It's valid . Feelings and observations that I need to share... that I cannot share at a given moment... My other is not a therapist nor should they have to be. Although he might be the first guy to TRY and understand me and my plague... I hold my stance on no one being able to decipher it... Maybe instead of looking up memes and Huffington post you could help read up on some stuff about your other...
Again counseling is the best route... undeniably so.. I've made the calls and got some back that I'll return soon....
I have so much indecision on things... I want to do things... but nothing sounds good... but I desperately want something to do... this is usually where the voracious urge appeals... it's simple... it's fast... it's right there... and it feels good if only for a moment... things are really crazy maybe... even crazier when I don't give in... I hate things with what I call drug mentalities... Meaning: things that will pick you up for a bit before slamming you back down, potentially down further than the initial low. I have to see it this way to fight the urge... Might as well be withdrawing.. I am very outspoken about a handful of things... I try to turn the lens on myself a lot of the time... such as.... When I hear that people are having trouble getting off drugs... or drinking... or smoking... my initial reaction? Never start... you'll never have to stop... Everyone has their drug... Most peoples poisons are far more destructive than they are productive.. they counteract that persons actions. Again... I can face the lens sometimes... I'm only human I can't catch everything that I happen to be doing.... But I can say that I've done that multiple times... and I'm trying to quit it... That's why I mentioned the drug mentality in the first place... It's because I can be an artist adept in the fine art of self destruction... I wrote a poem for myself about it called "Imploding Grenade". I get it... But you have to bring out the strictness and the parent within yourself and be as logical and self aware as possible to succeed in most things...
I want what a lot of people want... I want to be successful in most everything that I do... I know that some areas will slip... that's just how it is.. I'd love to speak I'd love to tell other people how well they are doing I really would... for those people who think that they are behind... or losing... I could share with them that hey.... they should keep at it... I have to follow a lot more steps than most in a day just to function on a similar level to others... and then I can take on the world with the rest... but as I just said... I have steps that I have to take before I can even start.
But after all I've said ... there is one thing that the disorder thing can do for people... When they get those good moments in time... they cherish it ... they feel SO good from it... And I can't say for sure but probably appreciate things a little more than the average person.. I feel that once we get to a good spot (the people with disorders) that we understand... to stop moving... whether that be learning, or working on bettering yourself etc... is to basically give up! If you're not learning anything, you can't branch out... there will be a lot more barriers in life... who needs that? I have enough... That's why when people want to me that I'm brave for being gay... or bipolar... or different it doesn't do much for me... I'll repeat this again because I love saying it... You HAVE TO KEEP MOVING... if even slow... don't stop....
That means you too Bry Bry <B
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Z is for Zorrow (sorrow)
i don't know whats going on... really don't... what's more? I really don't like whatever it is... it's a place that's a little more than too familiar... Nothing is really helping again... I just want to withdraw.. and stay away from everything... everyone... EVERYONE.
I've been melancholic...but a new sensation has arrived within me.. usually when I feel this way... I'm apathetic as well... do they mean the same thing? Oh well,. Back to what I was saying though... usually melancholy just entails for me a "floating" type of existence... one where I see what's going on... the whole phrase: "the lights are on but no one's home". perfect fit... but this time... I have reached a weird combination of... said melancholy, immense anger I feel in my core, and the profound sadness and interest in just going underground... leaving everything and pretending I never existed. No, that wasn't a self harm reference... I was merely, indicating an identity shift. Often times... just walking about... I've wondered what it would be like to be a gypsy... the only real things to stop me? I trust no one... But the thoughts remain... where would I go? what or who would I see..., Would i know what I was after all along when I found it... or forever choose to be a Nomad, living through the days making it in the best possible ways, in relation to when and where I'm at, at a given instant. Would I feel liberated? Would I feel a gratefulness for everything that I get that I have never known? ... Would I be a liar,.. a thief? Or a curious but kind-hearted man? perhaps, I finally be free to whatever it is I wanted or was... things hat have remained to be shown yet.. things I've always wanted to have been but never could, due to the caged feeling of others expectations... and wants and needs... We let others shape us far more than we should... we want so much to be liked... or loved, etc that we toss ourselves away sometimes... But then... you know what brings me back to the reality of it all? The damning thoughts that people would have if I shared it with them. And now I see it... I can be this person... Though not so much a stray (as much as I would like to be) I can start... doing what I want to and need to for me.. who knows where that will go right? I feel trapped a lot of the time because there are things I need to say all the time to people and I'm just dying o say them... it's in my blood to need to tell people things... I pull back... and I pull back... and I pull back... because I "don't want to hurt them". When in reality, I'd rather sting them right away then let the poison brew within... and then expel a terminal dosage. meanwhile... the surplus rests in me... slowly I get sicker with everyday that I can't admit... or share.. or deliver the message I nee to send to the right recipients... And again, I pull back some more... because I on't have the energy to fight about it... I only have the energy to respectfully talk about it... if I tell something to someone calmly I only find it respectful to reply as such... I'm not singling anyone person out... though one lays heavy in my thoughts right now. I'm not sure what exactly is going on with me beyond the fact that I feel I need to hide in order to appease everyone but myself... don't like it never will. I've changed... could be bad or good... that's really kind of a perceivable thing. I feel great when I just let things out... when I say what I want... Like this bottling up of things... i just icing on a cake comprised of other layers. finding work I want... sticking to my guns for once and not settling... I know for now that, that is an irritant, but in the bigger picture.. I'll be building a stronger foundation for myself than I ever have...I need to prove to myself that I can be this individual... I don't want war... But this blog does need to speak up for me. I'm going to say what I fucking want to in it because it's my god damn time here. This doesn't mean I'm going to be a "mean person"... Just means I need to be honest with myself above all... I really don't like the fact I can't tell the one person I have about my problems... because they are emotionally closed off... and defensive... I'm tired of being underestimated, underrated, and told who and what I am or am not.. by anyone... including myself....
This reminds me of another time in my life... but I'm done talking for now.... going to try move on...
I've been melancholic...but a new sensation has arrived within me.. usually when I feel this way... I'm apathetic as well... do they mean the same thing? Oh well,. Back to what I was saying though... usually melancholy just entails for me a "floating" type of existence... one where I see what's going on... the whole phrase: "the lights are on but no one's home". perfect fit... but this time... I have reached a weird combination of... said melancholy, immense anger I feel in my core, and the profound sadness and interest in just going underground... leaving everything and pretending I never existed. No, that wasn't a self harm reference... I was merely, indicating an identity shift. Often times... just walking about... I've wondered what it would be like to be a gypsy... the only real things to stop me? I trust no one... But the thoughts remain... where would I go? what or who would I see..., Would i know what I was after all along when I found it... or forever choose to be a Nomad, living through the days making it in the best possible ways, in relation to when and where I'm at, at a given instant. Would I feel liberated? Would I feel a gratefulness for everything that I get that I have never known? ... Would I be a liar,.. a thief? Or a curious but kind-hearted man? perhaps, I finally be free to whatever it is I wanted or was... things hat have remained to be shown yet.. things I've always wanted to have been but never could, due to the caged feeling of others expectations... and wants and needs... We let others shape us far more than we should... we want so much to be liked... or loved, etc that we toss ourselves away sometimes... But then... you know what brings me back to the reality of it all? The damning thoughts that people would have if I shared it with them. And now I see it... I can be this person... Though not so much a stray (as much as I would like to be) I can start... doing what I want to and need to for me.. who knows where that will go right? I feel trapped a lot of the time because there are things I need to say all the time to people and I'm just dying o say them... it's in my blood to need to tell people things... I pull back... and I pull back... and I pull back... because I "don't want to hurt them". When in reality, I'd rather sting them right away then let the poison brew within... and then expel a terminal dosage. meanwhile... the surplus rests in me... slowly I get sicker with everyday that I can't admit... or share.. or deliver the message I nee to send to the right recipients... And again, I pull back some more... because I on't have the energy to fight about it... I only have the energy to respectfully talk about it... if I tell something to someone calmly I only find it respectful to reply as such... I'm not singling anyone person out... though one lays heavy in my thoughts right now. I'm not sure what exactly is going on with me beyond the fact that I feel I need to hide in order to appease everyone but myself... don't like it never will. I've changed... could be bad or good... that's really kind of a perceivable thing. I feel great when I just let things out... when I say what I want... Like this bottling up of things... i just icing on a cake comprised of other layers. finding work I want... sticking to my guns for once and not settling... I know for now that, that is an irritant, but in the bigger picture.. I'll be building a stronger foundation for myself than I ever have...I need to prove to myself that I can be this individual... I don't want war... But this blog does need to speak up for me. I'm going to say what I fucking want to in it because it's my god damn time here. This doesn't mean I'm going to be a "mean person"... Just means I need to be honest with myself above all... I really don't like the fact I can't tell the one person I have about my problems... because they are emotionally closed off... and defensive... I'm tired of being underestimated, underrated, and told who and what I am or am not.. by anyone... including myself....
This reminds me of another time in my life... but I'm done talking for now.... going to try move on...
Monday, March 16, 2015
hollow
Today is weird, it's a teaser for what's to come . Nice weather. It seems like color is starting to fade back into view. But I am slipping a little. I feel very numb... I wanted to cry today but I couldn't I can't remember the last time I had a genuine release of emotion in that way... It's concerning to me.
It's very exciting when I have emotions for me . Because I do feel like I don't have them sometimes. I'll try my best to list off the things on my mind. and then elaborate.
I'm trying to balance my body (that's just something that will likely always be there), trying to find work that I can manage to do without having any episodes, trying to work on what I know I want to do (in relation to sound) I'm trying to listen with my gut. Not my mind or heart, and trying to be welcoming to people all at once. I tunnel vision a lot of the time so when I see something at high priority is is usually in my sights the most (as it should be) That being said I usually want to only go after that one thing... and anytime I do anything aside from that I feel like I have failed or slacked off. I tire myself by honing in on the one thing... sometimes I'm able to shift tasks non-judgmentally but that is super tricky.
I don't know. I feel that I have an emotional callous on me. I'm trying to shut things out a bit... because if I let them in enough... I'd not be proactive. Bad enough the thoughts are looming about in the back of my head. Thoughts like... fear of money, not wanting to settle-job-wise this time, so that I give a crap and do well. But for the most part I'll do just fine the less dealing with people face to face I have to do. Being kind a loner ... not being a lot further along for my age etc.
While I do have counter arguments for all of these it doesn't mean that the thoughts go away completely. The thing I keep having to say lately for instance is that - Okay, you don't have friends. but what do you have? You have stuff to get done that is more important than someone to "hang out" with. You've been a loner all of your life the scene is pretty much set. So, use that time in a constructive manner Bry.
I have an old soul though, and that's something that a lot of people especially people my age don't get. I don't care for clubs I find them pointless... Sure once and a while maybe.. But there is a lot better and more constructive things to be doing. I don't take selfies every 5 seconds.
No, I enjoy nature, coffee/ tea, the arts, sound, A complicated person with a love of simple things.
I've yet to meet people like that. I suppose I don't know where to look? Perhaps not. But undoubtedly. I will not find them milling about loud music in a space packed full of loud people.
It's challenging, fun and sad all at the same time ... never fitting in to one category. I don't identify as anything,... the closest I'd identify myself as a non-smoking hippy. Which... yeah is the opposite of club goers. I have common interests from many subcultures but I'm not in depth with any one in particular, I like going to nudist things, and being naked... not all the time so I don't consider myself a nudist... I like dark imagery and kind of edgy things but I'm not a goth... I'm not serious enough to be one of those... that and it's nearly a life commitment I'm seeing from many people. That's cool... for them... I disagree with a ton of things politics, religion, and the like, I love punk culture and style and know a lot about it but. I'm not punk... So all of these things and more... I guess to a degree a lot of people just identify with a default crowd.. When I have never fully embraced any of them. I like them all and I keep evolving to satisfy my interests. Stagnating, is common... but I really hope to learn and see more .
I think in that regard, I'd need a very specific type of friend. open to new things with an eclectic taste. Not many of those. I'm my own puzzle piece that fit's in to somethings but not wholly. So, until I find that friend I feel that maybe it's best that I'm a free agent.
<B
It's very exciting when I have emotions for me . Because I do feel like I don't have them sometimes. I'll try my best to list off the things on my mind. and then elaborate.
I'm trying to balance my body (that's just something that will likely always be there), trying to find work that I can manage to do without having any episodes, trying to work on what I know I want to do (in relation to sound) I'm trying to listen with my gut. Not my mind or heart, and trying to be welcoming to people all at once. I tunnel vision a lot of the time so when I see something at high priority is is usually in my sights the most (as it should be) That being said I usually want to only go after that one thing... and anytime I do anything aside from that I feel like I have failed or slacked off. I tire myself by honing in on the one thing... sometimes I'm able to shift tasks non-judgmentally but that is super tricky.
I don't know. I feel that I have an emotional callous on me. I'm trying to shut things out a bit... because if I let them in enough... I'd not be proactive. Bad enough the thoughts are looming about in the back of my head. Thoughts like... fear of money, not wanting to settle-job-wise this time, so that I give a crap and do well. But for the most part I'll do just fine the less dealing with people face to face I have to do. Being kind a loner ... not being a lot further along for my age etc.
While I do have counter arguments for all of these it doesn't mean that the thoughts go away completely. The thing I keep having to say lately for instance is that - Okay, you don't have friends. but what do you have? You have stuff to get done that is more important than someone to "hang out" with. You've been a loner all of your life the scene is pretty much set. So, use that time in a constructive manner Bry.
I have an old soul though, and that's something that a lot of people especially people my age don't get. I don't care for clubs I find them pointless... Sure once and a while maybe.. But there is a lot better and more constructive things to be doing. I don't take selfies every 5 seconds.
No, I enjoy nature, coffee/ tea, the arts, sound, A complicated person with a love of simple things.
I've yet to meet people like that. I suppose I don't know where to look? Perhaps not. But undoubtedly. I will not find them milling about loud music in a space packed full of loud people.
It's challenging, fun and sad all at the same time ... never fitting in to one category. I don't identify as anything,... the closest I'd identify myself as a non-smoking hippy. Which... yeah is the opposite of club goers. I have common interests from many subcultures but I'm not in depth with any one in particular, I like going to nudist things, and being naked... not all the time so I don't consider myself a nudist... I like dark imagery and kind of edgy things but I'm not a goth... I'm not serious enough to be one of those... that and it's nearly a life commitment I'm seeing from many people. That's cool... for them... I disagree with a ton of things politics, religion, and the like, I love punk culture and style and know a lot about it but. I'm not punk... So all of these things and more... I guess to a degree a lot of people just identify with a default crowd.. When I have never fully embraced any of them. I like them all and I keep evolving to satisfy my interests. Stagnating, is common... but I really hope to learn and see more .
I think in that regard, I'd need a very specific type of friend. open to new things with an eclectic taste. Not many of those. I'm my own puzzle piece that fit's in to somethings but not wholly. So, until I find that friend I feel that maybe it's best that I'm a free agent.
<B
Monday, March 9, 2015
B00M
Teehehhee
Last couple days A.K.A the weekend were cool in a big way.
(not sure when my last post was, probably like wednesday or something. )
Friday was weird, when I let my issues kind of take over, and just ate, and slept, and did nothing... Yeah, one of those.
Saturday was different. Lately, I've stressing on the two major factors in my life right now which is trying to learn what I want to learn in the realm of sound, and two finding work to hold things down until the move to Florida. (Finding out locations to move and such is it's own story.
Last week I fretted, going back and forth from the plan of doing have a day of sound, and half a day of music.... to doing one day music, one day jobs. Both of these stressed me out.
In the past, I would think about things so much and stress so much importance in things that I kind of paralyzed myself. This was the case with the two patterns I was attempting. i was coming at them all wrong really. I should be doing both everyday, with the job as my predominant focus, but darting to the sound and music when I need a break. I learned this on Saturday when I didn't feel I HAD to do anything. it was in the back of my head I and I did it. Same with other chores and wants that I have. I should really just do them in the time that I get tired or frustrated with the job hunt, and music, but of course return back to the hunt. it's good to have a more of a want mentality than a need. For the most part we all want what we need. When you want something (in my case at least) I am more inclined to move.
Yeah Saturday was a good one. because I came up with some other great solutions and what not.
School: I will not be taking classes in the spring. There are about 2 or three classes I want left and I can utilize the summer to begin work back up. I would definitely have to start work though... or stretch 1,000 over the course of 4 months 0.o Financial aid would give a cash boost in the fall, and I would not have to start paying back my loans until about the time we move to Florida. It sounds like I'm trying to skip out but I fully intend on paying it back. When I work I will even set aside money just for that purpose. The more I organize the faster and stronger I become at things.
Work: I need to for multiple reasons. First is to help my Boyfriend. Second is to start building up cash to start paying my loans back. Third is that I want money to feed into the new sound habit... It's really addictive when you start to learn about things. The plan is to look for more of freelance jobs at first, searching for those types of jobs for about a month.. The beauty with a lot of the ones I'm looking at is that I could do multiple jobs that equal out to one regular job. I have no problem with that considering that I get bored pretty easy. The most I've ever stayed with one job is a year by choice. The only thing with looking for work outside of retail and fast food is that there is quite a lot of uncertainty. let's say Macy's is hiring, you know it's legit because it's a big well known name. burger king the same thing. Venturing outside of those realms though, risks must be taken. The only way to really know in a lot of ways for anything really is to try it. do it. Worst thing, it doesn't work. You won't die.
Part two of the work hunt plan is to look at truck loaders. That or as a final option. Working overnights. I might have stressed before that working nights might be an issue for my well being... Hard for me to judge completely because that last time I did (and had a mental breakdown) there was so much that I wasn't used to that I overloaded and crashed. A poor diet of sugar, salt, and grease, Energy drinks and coffee constantly pumping through my veins. Two back to back jobs that equaled to about 16 hours a day or more, and I had a mental disorder that had not even been diagnosed yet. So, I might be able to work nights, who knows. The only issue I'll have is I'll miss the sun. But to me I just have to balance the dislikes of missing the sun to the dislike of dealing with people. People can make or break a work experience, I'd in the very least like to have some awesome coworkers, let alone care about what it is I'm doing or selling. I'd be way more proficient than feeling like I just lied to a person between my teeth about some terrible product they just bought.
Self joy. Not masturbation. I know that it is truly good for one to do at least one thing for them self a day if not a couple small things. It will help fuel you by making you feel good, and the cycle goes on. I'm going to try and practice this again, when I get stumped in all of my online ventures. (did you know that staring at a screen too long can actually make you tired? I didn't. Love psychology) One of the ways I'll capture some magic daily is to just sit and listen to music, do nothing else just sit with headphones in kind of a meditated state. I used to do this a lot when I was younger and it helped me to open my head and be a little more creative and invested in doing things. The other is walking. Especially now that the sun is starting to show more. If we get through this month like this. There's a pretty good chance that Michigan's spring has sprung.
Alright, that's all Going to check the weather, probably walk, and then get to work.
<B
Monday, October 20, 2014
Title
My birthday.. it was a good one but I felt out of it... nothing much has been stirring me... I feel my boyfriends love... I feel a vague sense of life... not sure if it's the weight I gained... or... if I'm having one of my moments where nothing seems to satisfy... I'm prone to impulse currently... I want to buy this, or eat that, or whatever to fill me... Again feel his love...
I usually feel a sense of ... empty when it turns cold... I hardly cry anymore... but I sometimes wish for that rather than not having the ability to... I used to cry all the time.... Stronger? No, just numb with a nagging feeling like I should be shedding tears. Bipolar isn't a joke... nor is it a definition of someone... But it can be quite the adversary... a mechanical bull... I... just ... I hope that I can have magic one day... My world ... it's getting punctured by reality.. I went from being very talented and original.... to pining to be original and remotely talented... I used to have plans and follow through... now I have fear.. doubt... more than I ever have... as a result I often come off as jaded or hateful of many aspects of humanity. ... I stick in my head awhile... thinking about how people work... and how I work and how I could possibly relate... there's not much.... I also try and catch myself by saying hey... a lot of your favorite things were shut down multiple times before finding their bearings Bry.... Sometimes that's enough.
The grey skies match how I feel... uncertain... cold and empty... accepting the incoming ice to come....
I applaud that I just cleaned a little bit... and that I'm writing this though... good job... I've pushed it really hard... was just going to go to bed already... that's all I've been wanting is to sleep and eat... I don't want to get back on that train.... I just got off it for a really good while. But even when I am at my favorite physique ... it doesn't matter... everything doesn't clear up...The blow of all the things I feel though becomes lighter.... so that's something. My brain is triggering thoughts that are telling me how good self defeat might taste... telling me to eat wrong... to sleep after and a sleep all day because I "messed up" Nope... I'll never forgive my father... he gave me too many issues that have lasted too long...
I'm sure people have felt like failures before they've begun.... I'm trying to keep my head above water....
I usually feel a sense of ... empty when it turns cold... I hardly cry anymore... but I sometimes wish for that rather than not having the ability to... I used to cry all the time.... Stronger? No, just numb with a nagging feeling like I should be shedding tears. Bipolar isn't a joke... nor is it a definition of someone... But it can be quite the adversary... a mechanical bull... I... just ... I hope that I can have magic one day... My world ... it's getting punctured by reality.. I went from being very talented and original.... to pining to be original and remotely talented... I used to have plans and follow through... now I have fear.. doubt... more than I ever have... as a result I often come off as jaded or hateful of many aspects of humanity. ... I stick in my head awhile... thinking about how people work... and how I work and how I could possibly relate... there's not much.... I also try and catch myself by saying hey... a lot of your favorite things were shut down multiple times before finding their bearings Bry.... Sometimes that's enough.
The grey skies match how I feel... uncertain... cold and empty... accepting the incoming ice to come....
I applaud that I just cleaned a little bit... and that I'm writing this though... good job... I've pushed it really hard... was just going to go to bed already... that's all I've been wanting is to sleep and eat... I don't want to get back on that train.... I just got off it for a really good while. But even when I am at my favorite physique ... it doesn't matter... everything doesn't clear up...The blow of all the things I feel though becomes lighter.... so that's something. My brain is triggering thoughts that are telling me how good self defeat might taste... telling me to eat wrong... to sleep after and a sleep all day because I "messed up" Nope... I'll never forgive my father... he gave me too many issues that have lasted too long...
I'm sure people have felt like failures before they've begun.... I'm trying to keep my head above water....
Friday, October 17, 2014
Origins (before 5)
Reflections. A little bit of back history In case I forget... But I have a good long term memory... I remember things that are trivial to most. Yeah.
I don't remember too much before this... I remember being alone mainly. I guess I never really broke that habit. I had one friend though... and we did EVERYTHING together. He was my first exploration into sexuality. I know how sick that sounds. But really if you look it up- it's quite common... kids are curious... and even more so in broken homes in broken cities... T.V. acted my 3rd parent. I took all that it had to offer me. I took in odd aspects. I took in associations with villainy at a young age. I always wanted to be the villain... Even then I felt that something was off or missing... a lack of energy even at that age. I sensed a disconnect with the other children... I cried when left in kindergarten... I tried immediately if I remember to leave. With good reason I'd discover later...
I''ll brush over the three main points of school. Racism... I was picked on for being white... When I stood my ground... when I unknowingly called a kid back what they called me (The N word) I was chastised severely due to majority of the staff being of african descent. It's how children work you know? They don't think twice before redirecting words... even if they don't know what it means. Lastly, I learned to keep silent... I learned that most of my words were... wrong? The teachers were prejudice too.
Outside life was comprised of roaming around town... and hanging out with a girl that I had thought was my Topanga... I was a wild child around her I guess. Unkempt. The T.V. taught me about adult stuff... and I ... assuming that it would be know different shared with her what I had with my friend... geesh a little pervert indeed. I got sent home away from her for a week. When I returned I apologized and said "it's okay... You're aunts the one who is fat and mean (or a bi***... I don't recall fully but I did say fat..) she told again and I think I was not to go over there again.
I spent most of my time in my room as a result of these events... I watched T.V., I over ate... and played with strings pretending I had magical powers and I would save the city. But I didn't fully choose to be a loner... when I was at home I'd usually be sent to my room to play with toys.. so my dad could either watch adult things... or attend to his "herbs"... You don't do that... you send the kids outside to play. Sending your kid to their room always implies wrong doing or trouble... if only just in subconscious thought.
But then I took on a new space.. The basement.... It's here my old soul wold first present itself... Here, I would eat my dinner, here, I would read, and listen to classical music. I was able to identify I knew when Beethoven's Fifth Symphony was playing in a movie... Not By composer or title but by Sound.
Halloween was always a staple for me....
T.V. Shows : Spider- Man, Creepy Crawlers, Bump in the night, freakazoid, Sonic the hedgehod, and Reboot.
Music: The Blur- Song 2 and Torn By Natalie Imbruglia .
Torn was the first song that struck a chord with me... I felt it... I understood it in and odd way... The lyric "I'm all out of faith" ...
<B
I don't remember too much before this... I remember being alone mainly. I guess I never really broke that habit. I had one friend though... and we did EVERYTHING together. He was my first exploration into sexuality. I know how sick that sounds. But really if you look it up- it's quite common... kids are curious... and even more so in broken homes in broken cities... T.V. acted my 3rd parent. I took all that it had to offer me. I took in odd aspects. I took in associations with villainy at a young age. I always wanted to be the villain... Even then I felt that something was off or missing... a lack of energy even at that age. I sensed a disconnect with the other children... I cried when left in kindergarten... I tried immediately if I remember to leave. With good reason I'd discover later...
I''ll brush over the three main points of school. Racism... I was picked on for being white... When I stood my ground... when I unknowingly called a kid back what they called me (The N word) I was chastised severely due to majority of the staff being of african descent. It's how children work you know? They don't think twice before redirecting words... even if they don't know what it means. Lastly, I learned to keep silent... I learned that most of my words were... wrong? The teachers were prejudice too.
Outside life was comprised of roaming around town... and hanging out with a girl that I had thought was my Topanga... I was a wild child around her I guess. Unkempt. The T.V. taught me about adult stuff... and I ... assuming that it would be know different shared with her what I had with my friend... geesh a little pervert indeed. I got sent home away from her for a week. When I returned I apologized and said "it's okay... You're aunts the one who is fat and mean (or a bi***... I don't recall fully but I did say fat..) she told again and I think I was not to go over there again.
I spent most of my time in my room as a result of these events... I watched T.V., I over ate... and played with strings pretending I had magical powers and I would save the city. But I didn't fully choose to be a loner... when I was at home I'd usually be sent to my room to play with toys.. so my dad could either watch adult things... or attend to his "herbs"... You don't do that... you send the kids outside to play. Sending your kid to their room always implies wrong doing or trouble... if only just in subconscious thought.
But then I took on a new space.. The basement.... It's here my old soul wold first present itself... Here, I would eat my dinner, here, I would read, and listen to classical music. I was able to identify I knew when Beethoven's Fifth Symphony was playing in a movie... Not By composer or title but by Sound.
Halloween was always a staple for me....
T.V. Shows : Spider- Man, Creepy Crawlers, Bump in the night, freakazoid, Sonic the hedgehod, and Reboot.
Music: The Blur- Song 2 and Torn By Natalie Imbruglia .
Torn was the first song that struck a chord with me... I felt it... I understood it in and odd way... The lyric "I'm all out of faith" ...
<B
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Iratus Est Oculus
(Angry eye) Google translating latin has been a mini hobby now and again :D
Not the case - thankful... very... I only have a slight blur in my eye now... just slightly. *clap* Right now I"m killing time... till I have to go and talk about my eye some more lol. then talk about possible sleep acid re-flux...
Things have been kind of passing me up a little... I can't lie... maybe it's because I havn't been hanging outside as much as I'd like to be. I mean Fall IS here! But yeah, maybe it's just because I haven't done much in the spirit of it yet. this weekend kicks that off though- quick rectification. Loving the new counselor- we are both at the understanding that I'm not inherently depressed so much as I am self-defeating (at this point in time) He'll be there to help me learn and observe my interactions with people- especially other guys... keeping a good account should help my strong suits and weaknesses. I linger around the mirror. and when I have decided I don't like the view... I shift all emotions outward and I put the assumption in my head that people are thinking the negative things that I have created... let people think for themselves.. not to say that I'm not fully aware of what people are saying or doing... I am when faced directly.. heh but- even when I talk connect with a person I have this urge to end the conversation (before I "f**k it up"). The key we have pin pointed that I always keep brushing off ... the issue I need to focus on is not second guessing everything before I do it. Telling myself it's wrong before I've begun... I also need to focus on actions... not how I think I'm being seen or how people look... because I'm very catty cheerleader like that... If I find... *sigh* that if there is someone I find unattractive around me... that I want to repel.. I look at some with superior eyes, whereas others I look at like a wraith, a disfigured being watching in the shadows.
I need to just be.... easier said than done... when I get there.. who knows who, what, or where that'll lead me.
it's time to make some static <B
Not the case - thankful... very... I only have a slight blur in my eye now... just slightly. *clap* Right now I"m killing time... till I have to go and talk about my eye some more lol. then talk about possible sleep acid re-flux...
Things have been kind of passing me up a little... I can't lie... maybe it's because I havn't been hanging outside as much as I'd like to be. I mean Fall IS here! But yeah, maybe it's just because I haven't done much in the spirit of it yet. this weekend kicks that off though- quick rectification. Loving the new counselor- we are both at the understanding that I'm not inherently depressed so much as I am self-defeating (at this point in time) He'll be there to help me learn and observe my interactions with people- especially other guys... keeping a good account should help my strong suits and weaknesses. I linger around the mirror. and when I have decided I don't like the view... I shift all emotions outward and I put the assumption in my head that people are thinking the negative things that I have created... let people think for themselves.. not to say that I'm not fully aware of what people are saying or doing... I am when faced directly.. heh but- even when I talk connect with a person I have this urge to end the conversation (before I "f**k it up"). The key we have pin pointed that I always keep brushing off ... the issue I need to focus on is not second guessing everything before I do it. Telling myself it's wrong before I've begun... I also need to focus on actions... not how I think I'm being seen or how people look... because I'm very catty cheerleader like that... If I find... *sigh* that if there is someone I find unattractive around me... that I want to repel.. I look at some with superior eyes, whereas others I look at like a wraith, a disfigured being watching in the shadows.
I need to just be.... easier said than done... when I get there.. who knows who, what, or where that'll lead me.
it's time to make some static <B
Monday, September 15, 2014
Quite possible...
Anything, as long as you put your mind to it right?
"Where there's a will there's a way"... "All you have to do is want something, and then let yourself have it!! okay, so that last one was the grandmother from Halloween town explaining spells- SO WHAT?!? Same principle. I'm at a power struggle I am, I am!
What is it now Bry?!?! Identity. I've had a very flimsy definition of self- for ... forever really. All I know is I classify myself as different... a bit eccentric.. confused.. immature... kinda responsible? Point that I'm attempting to make is... How does one strive for their own path when they don't really know whose path they are looking for... and I don't want to pull my disorder card (but I will). Bi-polar messes with consistency.. if you know me you know this. This might be one of the many reasons I plant myself so deep into Halloween... it's all I know I have... at the end of highschool... I never payed mind to what came next... things kinda slid down the hill. But I did have plans and things I oddly enough did... I feed on constructive criticism... I keep biting dry sources. I tried to watch a video about HVAC by the way... B-o-R-i-N-g Maybe it's cuz I'm hands on? idk... All I know is I want to make some good choices now... Isn't life all about trade offs really?
Eat that cake- it's delicious... but there's the guilt. Oooo a pleasant sugar buzz too but no good. Relating to my epiphany.. I can choose the one I would snooze over work for someone, Know my day almost everyday... be exhausted- that's my interpretation of HVAC.
It's finer points are the fact I'd have a set structure.. which I do well with. I'd get vacations, weekends off... But then... I KNOW I'd always question what if about the music. I'm sure I'll do that in what ever direction I move but that's just how I am. Ponder...ponder...ponder. My gut is broken of late... can't follow it.
When I dropped out of High school... I knew I was going back that same year and graduating.. I felt like I was making a terrible mistake and I almost cried that day... But! I stuck to my plan... I just barely got accepted (the final class I needed had a last slot open..) but I achieved it.. I did this with a care free attitude and when people seemed shocked or worried that I bailed for those few months telling me "Make sure you go back" or "hope you know what's best for you". I Didn't care... I had a plan... and also, I had free time. Maybe the over analyzing is what's keeping me at a stalemate...
Unfortunately, the way I learn a (mass) majority of the time is through crash and burn. I've been getting better about reconfiguration of things... short term... heh.. THIS is why going on a long journey for a degree would kill me.... I've very nearly used the aid allotted for the certificates... I can imagine the circles I run in dialing up my loans if I didn't have a roof I'll hit soon.
So, I think I just have to live... it seemed to work before. Easier said than done. I mean could I be a writer? Is that even a valid option? ... random thought..
I've been dodgey of people due to being highly unsure of all of these things... which is sad cuz I want to show people how cool I can be. I keep meeting people who are gifted... or have their things... their talents... I... don't know what I'm good at... I have a tot's attention span... the soul of a jaded old man, the heart of a child, I'm pretty sure my brain is just this weird mixed media soup, and the curiosity of a cat. I have no clue what my calling is these things considered. I can write and kind of make music... But that's all I am really good at...
As much as I want to float and say that everything will meld.. like I did with school... My defenses are hair triggered. Maybe I should lay back... thinking about this all day everyday... trying to burn both ends of the candle... new blog soon.. more light-hearted... involving my membership to the motor city haunt club, the halloween garage sale, my new friend, and more <B
"Where there's a will there's a way"... "All you have to do is want something, and then let yourself have it!! okay, so that last one was the grandmother from Halloween town explaining spells- SO WHAT?!? Same principle. I'm at a power struggle I am, I am!
What is it now Bry?!?! Identity. I've had a very flimsy definition of self- for ... forever really. All I know is I classify myself as different... a bit eccentric.. confused.. immature... kinda responsible? Point that I'm attempting to make is... How does one strive for their own path when they don't really know whose path they are looking for... and I don't want to pull my disorder card (but I will). Bi-polar messes with consistency.. if you know me you know this. This might be one of the many reasons I plant myself so deep into Halloween... it's all I know I have... at the end of highschool... I never payed mind to what came next... things kinda slid down the hill. But I did have plans and things I oddly enough did... I feed on constructive criticism... I keep biting dry sources. I tried to watch a video about HVAC by the way... B-o-R-i-N-g Maybe it's cuz I'm hands on? idk... All I know is I want to make some good choices now... Isn't life all about trade offs really?
Eat that cake- it's delicious... but there's the guilt. Oooo a pleasant sugar buzz too but no good. Relating to my epiphany.. I can choose the one I would snooze over work for someone, Know my day almost everyday... be exhausted- that's my interpretation of HVAC.
It's finer points are the fact I'd have a set structure.. which I do well with. I'd get vacations, weekends off... But then... I KNOW I'd always question what if about the music. I'm sure I'll do that in what ever direction I move but that's just how I am. Ponder...ponder...ponder. My gut is broken of late... can't follow it.
When I dropped out of High school... I knew I was going back that same year and graduating.. I felt like I was making a terrible mistake and I almost cried that day... But! I stuck to my plan... I just barely got accepted (the final class I needed had a last slot open..) but I achieved it.. I did this with a care free attitude and when people seemed shocked or worried that I bailed for those few months telling me "Make sure you go back" or "hope you know what's best for you". I Didn't care... I had a plan... and also, I had free time. Maybe the over analyzing is what's keeping me at a stalemate...
Unfortunately, the way I learn a (mass) majority of the time is through crash and burn. I've been getting better about reconfiguration of things... short term... heh.. THIS is why going on a long journey for a degree would kill me.... I've very nearly used the aid allotted for the certificates... I can imagine the circles I run in dialing up my loans if I didn't have a roof I'll hit soon.
So, I think I just have to live... it seemed to work before. Easier said than done. I mean could I be a writer? Is that even a valid option? ... random thought..
I've been dodgey of people due to being highly unsure of all of these things... which is sad cuz I want to show people how cool I can be. I keep meeting people who are gifted... or have their things... their talents... I... don't know what I'm good at... I have a tot's attention span... the soul of a jaded old man, the heart of a child, I'm pretty sure my brain is just this weird mixed media soup, and the curiosity of a cat. I have no clue what my calling is these things considered. I can write and kind of make music... But that's all I am really good at...
As much as I want to float and say that everything will meld.. like I did with school... My defenses are hair triggered. Maybe I should lay back... thinking about this all day everyday... trying to burn both ends of the candle... new blog soon.. more light-hearted... involving my membership to the motor city haunt club, the halloween garage sale, my new friend, and more <B
Thursday, August 21, 2014
The Blue shift
Go... blue ...woot...yeah...
Haha this change coincidentally made for the month of september is also when september begins. This is the ONLY reason I get remotely excited about football... That just means fall is here. But any way. September's color is obviously blue... There's not too to much you can do with blue but Ice...
Yesterday was a mish mash of good, simple, angst and apathy. Nice... But again Notice there was good. You got a quarter of your teeth cleaned for free. and the rest will be done for free as well! The girl that did it was super friendly. I'm glad the Doctor-patient chemistry was there, those sorts of meetings can be so awkward otherwise. I mean someone being that invasive and what not. They should be friendly or- its kinda like mouth rape. But it went well, it was an interesting venture as it was at the U of M dental school. It was kind of like an alien abduction and a christmas carol rolled into one. I mean I was on a table under a bright white light getting probed in the mouth by a crew of strangers. 0.0. And then a christmas carol because there were three dentists that had to verify me aside from my main person. So it was like look at what your teeth were, what the are and what they could be... LOOK AT ITTT!! heh.
A common theme Was the considerate amount of times I was inquired about if I ran or not. I guess my health info says I'm elite or something. F@%k yeah I am I said. There was one in particular- my dentist of dental future who was super geeked about it. One of THOSE. She had told me that she had been training for a half marathon and yesterday the students finals had thrown her off of her game a bit. I said yeah I ran my first 5K this year and giggled to myself. (I wasn't as slow as a turtle. Inside joke) She said that I had the perfect runner's body. Flattering :D and creepy 0.o. She mentioned something about candy land and I don't remember why- she quickly followed that up by... but that was more of a girls game... and I said oh, I just played that for the first time a couple years ago. and she said, she wasn't going to even ask why I had played it. Then, suggested maybe it was with a younger family member... nuh uh. I didn't feel like I neded to prove anything in fact it maybe me smile because I was completely content with my man-child personality. that I am not restricted to "male" or "female" "young" or "old" I have qualities in each category. Why should I choose? I don't have to... and I don't so that point in time came to me quickly and I saw a face of myself that I admired. She was also the only doctor to take the time and care to clear out the mass blood pool forming in the bottom of my mouth. A great lady in my book. She gave me A FIST BUMP and was one her way. That made my fucking day.
When all Was said and done a very grateful new dentist had given me $50 bucks for being her patient. (Crowd): AWWWWWW!
But it wasn't all fun and games... the day descended sadly- as soon as I got on the wrong bus and ended up in Ypsilanti. It's okay there but majority of the people there smell of nicotine and regrets. NOT ALL but most. It was like the air around that bus stop's air itself was stained with the scent. Icky.. It's never a good time when you get the wrong bus let alone end up on the gross side of town. It's a waste of time. even though I wasn't going to do much when I got back. It's annoying when you just want to get back... Kind of like being stuck in traffic I suppose. Same concept. I'll learn about that soon. bleh.
But yeah.. my best friend fatigue showed up and we got caught up on things really quick... I gotta figure out how to break it to him that this friendship is not healthy for me and that I want out. So, I ate, and I slept till I had to leave again... I was oh so hostile inside. Thankfully it didn't reflect (too much) outwardly. I got through it, got some laughs out, like I usually do. and went home. I was a mixture of lonely, bored, hungry, and annoyed. So I took to eating my feelings. I knew damn well, unlike my times in the past that I wasn't necessarily eating these things that I was eating... nor did they necessarily taste good but I was trying to use them as mortar to fill the cracks. eh, it happens. It's probably okay anyways being 6 feet tall and 141 lbs.
Okay now this morning. I feel pretty charged.. I actually woke up at 4 am again... this time because I had a scratchy right eye again. Something that happens rather frequently of late... never the left eye... only the right.. I'm glad I see the doc tomorrow I don't want to end up like that one nun with the eye patch. And though some may think I'm going nuts when I say that my hair is gracefully telling me farewell... I can see it. People have a better sense of things than anyone around them for the most part. My hair used to be super thick. Now when I put it certain ways I can see my scalp... oh no.. my pride and joy. But it was bound to happen. If not for one reason than the other. My many hair dyes , hair products, stress, anxiety, weight fluctuations etc. So, My plan is, I'm gonna continue my hair growth for this year maybe part of next and make good use of both my hair and of the chalk I don't want to have wasted dough on. I might just shave my hair down short enough to see whats going on... should it be more sporadic than the sides.. we'll see a Bryan with hats... hats sunglasses and jackets will hopefully fill the hair void. Sun glasses and hats are roughly the same price as haircuts so. I could still change it up fairly easily... and I wouldn't need shampoo or spray, or gel. There's a plus for a minus moment for ya. <B
P.s. I am so proud I'm using paragraphs. And almost correctly even! ^_^
Haha this change coincidentally made for the month of september is also when september begins. This is the ONLY reason I get remotely excited about football... That just means fall is here. But any way. September's color is obviously blue... There's not too to much you can do with blue but Ice...
Yesterday was a mish mash of good, simple, angst and apathy. Nice... But again Notice there was good. You got a quarter of your teeth cleaned for free. and the rest will be done for free as well! The girl that did it was super friendly. I'm glad the Doctor-patient chemistry was there, those sorts of meetings can be so awkward otherwise. I mean someone being that invasive and what not. They should be friendly or- its kinda like mouth rape. But it went well, it was an interesting venture as it was at the U of M dental school. It was kind of like an alien abduction and a christmas carol rolled into one. I mean I was on a table under a bright white light getting probed in the mouth by a crew of strangers. 0.0. And then a christmas carol because there were three dentists that had to verify me aside from my main person. So it was like look at what your teeth were, what the are and what they could be... LOOK AT ITTT!! heh.
A common theme Was the considerate amount of times I was inquired about if I ran or not. I guess my health info says I'm elite or something. F@%k yeah I am I said. There was one in particular- my dentist of dental future who was super geeked about it. One of THOSE. She had told me that she had been training for a half marathon and yesterday the students finals had thrown her off of her game a bit. I said yeah I ran my first 5K this year and giggled to myself. (I wasn't as slow as a turtle. Inside joke) She said that I had the perfect runner's body. Flattering :D and creepy 0.o. She mentioned something about candy land and I don't remember why- she quickly followed that up by... but that was more of a girls game... and I said oh, I just played that for the first time a couple years ago. and she said, she wasn't going to even ask why I had played it. Then, suggested maybe it was with a younger family member... nuh uh. I didn't feel like I neded to prove anything in fact it maybe me smile because I was completely content with my man-child personality. that I am not restricted to "male" or "female" "young" or "old" I have qualities in each category. Why should I choose? I don't have to... and I don't so that point in time came to me quickly and I saw a face of myself that I admired. She was also the only doctor to take the time and care to clear out the mass blood pool forming in the bottom of my mouth. A great lady in my book. She gave me A FIST BUMP and was one her way. That made my fucking day.
When all Was said and done a very grateful new dentist had given me $50 bucks for being her patient. (Crowd): AWWWWWW!
But it wasn't all fun and games... the day descended sadly- as soon as I got on the wrong bus and ended up in Ypsilanti. It's okay there but majority of the people there smell of nicotine and regrets. NOT ALL but most. It was like the air around that bus stop's air itself was stained with the scent. Icky.. It's never a good time when you get the wrong bus let alone end up on the gross side of town. It's a waste of time. even though I wasn't going to do much when I got back. It's annoying when you just want to get back... Kind of like being stuck in traffic I suppose. Same concept. I'll learn about that soon. bleh.
But yeah.. my best friend fatigue showed up and we got caught up on things really quick... I gotta figure out how to break it to him that this friendship is not healthy for me and that I want out. So, I ate, and I slept till I had to leave again... I was oh so hostile inside. Thankfully it didn't reflect (too much) outwardly. I got through it, got some laughs out, like I usually do. and went home. I was a mixture of lonely, bored, hungry, and annoyed. So I took to eating my feelings. I knew damn well, unlike my times in the past that I wasn't necessarily eating these things that I was eating... nor did they necessarily taste good but I was trying to use them as mortar to fill the cracks. eh, it happens. It's probably okay anyways being 6 feet tall and 141 lbs.
Okay now this morning. I feel pretty charged.. I actually woke up at 4 am again... this time because I had a scratchy right eye again. Something that happens rather frequently of late... never the left eye... only the right.. I'm glad I see the doc tomorrow I don't want to end up like that one nun with the eye patch. And though some may think I'm going nuts when I say that my hair is gracefully telling me farewell... I can see it. People have a better sense of things than anyone around them for the most part. My hair used to be super thick. Now when I put it certain ways I can see my scalp... oh no.. my pride and joy. But it was bound to happen. If not for one reason than the other. My many hair dyes , hair products, stress, anxiety, weight fluctuations etc. So, My plan is, I'm gonna continue my hair growth for this year maybe part of next and make good use of both my hair and of the chalk I don't want to have wasted dough on. I might just shave my hair down short enough to see whats going on... should it be more sporadic than the sides.. we'll see a Bryan with hats... hats sunglasses and jackets will hopefully fill the hair void. Sun glasses and hats are roughly the same price as haircuts so. I could still change it up fairly easily... and I wouldn't need shampoo or spray, or gel. There's a plus for a minus moment for ya. <B
P.s. I am so proud I'm using paragraphs. And almost correctly even! ^_^
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Let's make like a witch (And hang)
Of late, I've decided it's time to extend into some untapped sources. Have I really been thinking for so many years that my wishes would magnetize to me? Well no, no Bry!
Very recently (last night) when left alone with my thoughts I kept on listening to a song in my head called " Own Little World" By Celldweller. Basically one of my fav songs. But the lyric I honed in on was "dream of a world for me and my kind". It kept on replay.
I thought to myself as the time draws near to the fall. When I had taken my film class I really enjoyed the felling of being in a group. I think that's what I liked most about the simpler days of being in high school. It's a great feeling, going as a team and discussing ideas, thoughts whatever.
But anyways, when I was in said group. I had to be so much to it, I had to be it's power source. Not specifically because I wanted the helm but because I had to or the assignment would not have existed. Though I had a very reluctant crew, I still have a very fond memory of the only shooting date that we had. Pizza, a mime, and clowns, and a dreary fall storm that washed us all into the confines of one of our houses.
This might have also been respectfully (to myself) the feeling of accomplishment and progression. and through all the headaches and clenched teeth. I felt love, and I felt most competent out of my class. My group received the highest grade in class. I scored it, I wrote it out, I did the story board, I directed. produced, edited, I provided props. So if it drags you out but you want it... I dunno I just feel a good amount of inspiration.
Long story short, I'm looking to build my little world. Or find one to merge one. Being a lone roving planet is only good for so much. So, craigslist and other social media, school clubs, meet-ups and other such things. Ill see if I can restore something I've been so craving for VERY long time.
Crossed fingers, four leafed clovers, and falling stars for me <B
Very recently (last night) when left alone with my thoughts I kept on listening to a song in my head called " Own Little World" By Celldweller. Basically one of my fav songs. But the lyric I honed in on was "dream of a world for me and my kind". It kept on replay.
I thought to myself as the time draws near to the fall. When I had taken my film class I really enjoyed the felling of being in a group. I think that's what I liked most about the simpler days of being in high school. It's a great feeling, going as a team and discussing ideas, thoughts whatever.
But anyways, when I was in said group. I had to be so much to it, I had to be it's power source. Not specifically because I wanted the helm but because I had to or the assignment would not have existed. Though I had a very reluctant crew, I still have a very fond memory of the only shooting date that we had. Pizza, a mime, and clowns, and a dreary fall storm that washed us all into the confines of one of our houses.
This might have also been respectfully (to myself) the feeling of accomplishment and progression. and through all the headaches and clenched teeth. I felt love, and I felt most competent out of my class. My group received the highest grade in class. I scored it, I wrote it out, I did the story board, I directed. produced, edited, I provided props. So if it drags you out but you want it... I dunno I just feel a good amount of inspiration.
Long story short, I'm looking to build my little world. Or find one to merge one. Being a lone roving planet is only good for so much. So, craigslist and other social media, school clubs, meet-ups and other such things. Ill see if I can restore something I've been so craving for VERY long time.
Crossed fingers, four leafed clovers, and falling stars for me <B
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