I don't recommend running to ambient music, it's only irritating.
It's been about two weeks, (I cheated, I read the last date I published.) A lot of thoughts and things have just "been there".
After Christmas, new years, winter semester starting where am I?
I'm there man... I'm totally there XD
Where?... Where are you Bry?
A weird head space. Where I'm more balanced than I have been in the past and more alert of certain things. But I'm not as receptive some days.. most of these frost and drear laden days.
Rewind....
I've begun my yearly staggering a bit. I didn't immediately find my balance and I still have not polished it.. I'm closer mind you. It's hard for me to enjoy some things on some days... these days are a little bit of an imploding grenade for me (self destructive). I say, I'll take it easy on myself... That I'm tired and my focus is very little. So, I'll try and present the idea of chilling out and staying idol to myself... Should I take the bait, a strong feeling of guilt, or self disappointment ensues. It's not debilitating. But it is rather counterproductive.
I know I'm not alone in this.
I need to return to the drawing board. Literally. I'm a lister.. A person who thrives on order and plans... Also a person who gets put off fairly easily by redirecting. Think of a car going as fast as it can and then slamming on the breaks as it turned. That's what it's like.
So I've established that I can have my balance and my order... but I Have tunnel vision, when I get things in my head... they get glued all over the walls like fliers for some indie band in a bar.
I'm getting better about slowing down and turning... Maybe that's the issue... I mean I can only blame so much on the weather, or bipolar... the doc says I do everything pretty well, that I'm very healthy...
My counselors have said that they think I am ready to get out there and make stuff happen. I am,
And lastly, on this specific subject there's one thing I have to remind myself of... It's only January. Patience.
"but, but But... Now?"
"what you want and what you need can be achieved.. but you need to keep giving it time and energy."
Doubts, are a useless item... sometimes I'm aware of that... When I say this I Have a little ... mantra? I guess that's the word... Leave no room for doubt, and in my head I'm thinking about coffee.. Doubt will change you, and add unhealthy qualities.
I think I've decided (after some real thinking, talking with people online and common sense)... that making a song and tossing it out every 10 days should not be considered.. no... Not yet at least.
How i let the notion of quality over quantity slip my head I do not know. A song is done, when you feel that it is the best and it sounds just right to you in every way... if it's not? then it's back to the computer. I really met up with this thought a couple of days ago, when I was going to put up a new song... and it wasn't done... it wasn't coming together. I erased a lot of it... added a lot of new things, and almost completed changed the entire song last minute... I was far more impressed... with where it is GOING. It's not done... and I don't plan to abandon it. I feel to strongly about it having he potential I see in it to carelessly toss in mismatched pieces just for the sake of saying " look what I did".
In the future, after some growth, and experience.. Then maybe can toss out a little bi more and say, hey... I can do this a bit faster now.
Well, I'm off to battle the nasty thing that is S.A.D. who knows, maybe I'll go somewhere to help inspire, and or wake me up! ~_~
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Omitted results...
Everyone's guilty of this at some point... Withholding important thoughts... Thinking that another person should just "get" something... That's far too much expect from someone... Not all minds are alike... Similar but not exact. If you can't interpret and express feelings and emotions correctly... And at the right times... That's on you. Mind readers are real, for better or otherwise.
I say where I'm at what I need, and look for the right ways to say and ask things... I don't always get it right, that's impossible for any. But when the same idea is proposed time and again... And agreed upon repeatedly... One has every right to be frustrated just as much.
I struggle right now to make a neutral attempt at this... I'm saddened... I'm scared... I'm admittedly always worried deep down... I feel it on my surface right now... I ... Am not a villain... I am just different... Funny on the last day of counseling... I feel a great sorrow... I never know where I'll be from one day to the next... Always felt a sense of drifting (again always in the back of my mind).
I refuse to be beaten by this state right now.... To panic in quicksand ensures defeat... I'll handle it tomorrow. ... At this moment... I'm not certain wrapping up my help was good... Have to keep moving... A pack or a rogue... .
I know this feeling... Though not as bad as in youth... Its that feeling of shame... Maybe I should be by myself... Yes it'd be a harder road... But ... But.... *sigh*
This feeling, a thick mixture of dark memory, confusion, fear. The winter was never good to me.
I appreciate my chance to free will... I really do... Don't think otherwise.. The fact I have the internet... A haven from the cold... I think about this so much.... To be honest... Its astounding that I am still standing.... I can't let ANYONE tear me down... Work with, sure .
Perhaps I have omitted words too... Is this when I look up into space. Search for my meaning? I was never treated poorly...
But the truth is stunning and I've been pierced. I don't like it... But it is its own. A dose of reality... Needed. Scary... . hungry... Tired...lonely....feeling the emotion of sadness without the actions...
I could go on to site everything I feel... But realize that I am fairly soft right now... Nothing meant with ill intent.
I needed someone to talk to... So I have myself... And this wall I like to mark up. . .
Thx for talking me through this a bit Bry,. Hang in there man.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
The clouds are your enemy
So, lock your cross hairs
Translation:....
....... [ Aim high].....
I resolute to aim up. I feel that what better way to discover where we are, than to figure out where we are not.
Sounds confusing just typing it. But what I mean is I feel that by aiming for more this year, that should I not make all of it... I've still achieved a whole lot. hence the aiming for the deadlines of 4 times a month with the music. for one, that helps me to focus. there will be a lot of that this year,
[{(FOCUS)}]
a key term for 2015
For me it will be all about collecting my totems and keeping them. Sure, I've made leaps in the direction of confidence and hope that I can do whatever. I went to some parties the past couple of days and I did really well. I did not crumble under my own impressions of how I'd be seen. Nope, instead I sold myself as is. And turns out people accepted it. Well, not all but thats to be expected.
I know far well the things and the amount of focus in which i'd need to do them. I realized that my mornings, though fairly organized and what not... are still kind of loose. I have a formula but it's not all that time sensitive. But the more productive and fulfilling part of me beckons for more time... So, I'm going to start timing myself, counting in my head and or setting an external phone alarm if I must. I get distracted.. I get caught up... take fairly unnecessary detours.
Same applies to health and my back and forth efforts. After 2014 is toast my eating habits simply must return to whee they were prior to september when I said it was okay to eat certain things... before my eye malfunctioned and sent me into a malicious effort to self soothe, and before I gobbled and guzzled myself to an unsatisfactory form... I'm cool though, I know I can kill it. Unlike prior weight gains... I have been fully aware of it all... when I was eating bad things, bad times etc.. When you know and accept things is when it makes things easier. Thus, I'm not as affected by this with anger and sadness I might have been before. Not to say that I'm not a little bummed. Oh well! ;p.
But the focus on that, especially with school, will be to eat healthy, eat enough, work out, eat things that dont need refrigeration, or a microwave, and has protein etc. Tough thus far.. it's not a formula I was ready for. So I need to study that as well I suppose.
Again, I'll have to be ( I wanted to type merciless) persistent in order to achieve things for my music... to wrap up my poetry... because things of this nature seldom "just happen". I came to a weird thought yesterday, it makes sense- the direction I'm headed in. I've never really been conventional. Why would my ultimate calling be? I feel no passion for everyday dreams that most little kids look up to. When I was little I was told I could be anything... I've also seen patterns.. Been in and out of choir, love music, always talking about it, always wanted a band... and persistence. nearly everything I put down I'll pick back up at some point... even if it's just to reflect and examine it. But most things I'll try in 3's. I'll seldom remove ideas from my head completely. music,
I've reached an untapped reserve of myself that's always been a part of me. It's filled with insight... but most of all curiosity a huge motivation for most anything that I have ever done at my best. be it art of anything else. Everything is a science experiment. I'm conducting tests again. What I mean is, I'm exploring possibilities, even in social circumstances. I'm trying to see what interaction gets what reactions,... what I can get away with saying... what is tactful, and how do I do it? is it like tactical? Do I get a vest? FOCUS... Ah, yes I guess you say that in essence I am now testing my voice, my very presence in the world... and I'm making more of a blip on the radar than years prior.
Well, since it is nearly 1 in the morning and I cannot sleep right now... I'm entitled to be unfocused and leave you with the last thing rattling itself onto the screen.
The first four songs of the year will be
Ascend (30 second intro)
Gilded
Hierarchy
Midas
These are just titles, I have to let them happen organically. I want them to have a theme each month but... they will not necessarily sound interconnected.
I might not post till the new year... if not 2015 HARK! (but if I do it'll be top 10 lists those are always fun right?....RIGHT?!?!... oh crickets I missed you. <B
Translation:....
....... [ Aim high].....
I resolute to aim up. I feel that what better way to discover where we are, than to figure out where we are not.
Sounds confusing just typing it. But what I mean is I feel that by aiming for more this year, that should I not make all of it... I've still achieved a whole lot. hence the aiming for the deadlines of 4 times a month with the music. for one, that helps me to focus. there will be a lot of that this year,
[{(FOCUS)}]
a key term for 2015
For me it will be all about collecting my totems and keeping them. Sure, I've made leaps in the direction of confidence and hope that I can do whatever. I went to some parties the past couple of days and I did really well. I did not crumble under my own impressions of how I'd be seen. Nope, instead I sold myself as is. And turns out people accepted it. Well, not all but thats to be expected.
I know far well the things and the amount of focus in which i'd need to do them. I realized that my mornings, though fairly organized and what not... are still kind of loose. I have a formula but it's not all that time sensitive. But the more productive and fulfilling part of me beckons for more time... So, I'm going to start timing myself, counting in my head and or setting an external phone alarm if I must. I get distracted.. I get caught up... take fairly unnecessary detours.
Same applies to health and my back and forth efforts. After 2014 is toast my eating habits simply must return to whee they were prior to september when I said it was okay to eat certain things... before my eye malfunctioned and sent me into a malicious effort to self soothe, and before I gobbled and guzzled myself to an unsatisfactory form... I'm cool though, I know I can kill it. Unlike prior weight gains... I have been fully aware of it all... when I was eating bad things, bad times etc.. When you know and accept things is when it makes things easier. Thus, I'm not as affected by this with anger and sadness I might have been before. Not to say that I'm not a little bummed. Oh well! ;p.
But the focus on that, especially with school, will be to eat healthy, eat enough, work out, eat things that dont need refrigeration, or a microwave, and has protein etc. Tough thus far.. it's not a formula I was ready for. So I need to study that as well I suppose.
Again, I'll have to be ( I wanted to type merciless) persistent in order to achieve things for my music... to wrap up my poetry... because things of this nature seldom "just happen". I came to a weird thought yesterday, it makes sense- the direction I'm headed in. I've never really been conventional. Why would my ultimate calling be? I feel no passion for everyday dreams that most little kids look up to. When I was little I was told I could be anything... I've also seen patterns.. Been in and out of choir, love music, always talking about it, always wanted a band... and persistence. nearly everything I put down I'll pick back up at some point... even if it's just to reflect and examine it. But most things I'll try in 3's. I'll seldom remove ideas from my head completely. music,
I've reached an untapped reserve of myself that's always been a part of me. It's filled with insight... but most of all curiosity a huge motivation for most anything that I have ever done at my best. be it art of anything else. Everything is a science experiment. I'm conducting tests again. What I mean is, I'm exploring possibilities, even in social circumstances. I'm trying to see what interaction gets what reactions,... what I can get away with saying... what is tactful, and how do I do it? is it like tactical? Do I get a vest? FOCUS... Ah, yes I guess you say that in essence I am now testing my voice, my very presence in the world... and I'm making more of a blip on the radar than years prior.
Well, since it is nearly 1 in the morning and I cannot sleep right now... I'm entitled to be unfocused and leave you with the last thing rattling itself onto the screen.
The first four songs of the year will be
Ascend (30 second intro)
Gilded
Hierarchy
Midas
These are just titles, I have to let them happen organically. I want them to have a theme each month but... they will not necessarily sound interconnected.
I might not post till the new year... if not 2015 HARK! (but if I do it'll be top 10 lists those are always fun right?....RIGHT?!?!... oh crickets I missed you. <B
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
You did the hokie pokie?!!! Who with?!?!
So yeah, I've been handling myself rather well all things considered... (not that things are inherently bad or anything no.) It's almost always an internal thing for me. But I've been dealing with it... I've been having major successes lately. They would be minute to most... but for me they are almost on the cusp of miraculous.
I've been learning to converse with those around me. I've been maintaining what to say and how to be tactful about it. You see, for the longest time I had been afraid to say what was on my mind for fear of ridicule or someone not understanding. But I've taken the liberty of reassuring myself that, that does not matter in most situations. I am making my way to being who I want to be.
But anyways, I've had some really beautiful and positive experiences, even in my little winter slum. At the first of the month I had some really fond moments... subtle but touching. I do have a bit of a nurturing side. I was a at a kid party, and this adorable little guy runs straight up to me... I made a face and he got real close, and pushed his head against mine... not like a head but, just put his forehead on mine... adorable. Same party, another little one runs up latches to my leg and smiles at me before running off. again... super cute. But one of the best parts? I did pretty well, without booze. yeah- my social shield was down and I didn't (necessarily) need it. Shocking. But I know these people a bit better. That and I am pushing myself to be me, and say what I need to. Follow my conscience- gut feeling- nose... wait, no not nose that's toucan Sam from fruit loops.
Most recently I "graduated" my group therapy. Which ... I don't cry much anymore, but if I were to this would have been a moment for tears. My teachers were VERY impressed at the changes I've made in the year. (one of them said that in the last six months alone even). I had many people tell me I was a very good presence in the group... It was very nice to feel that warmth. There was a woman, a woman who I see great potential in... she was super sad, so I talked to her and picked her brain. Got her to laugh with a lesbian joke (because she likes ladies). Then at the end of the group... Still down. I said hey, as she was reaching for her bags...
"guess what!", I said
She kept asking what, ( this was all in a playful manner ^_^) I was waiting for her to stand upright. I told her I had a present but she needed to be facing me. She did and I gave her a huge hug!!! That was another beauty I'll keep in my heart. It shows me that not only do I still have a heart... but it can beat very very loud.
I've gone to 2 other parties. I'll be to the point about these. I faced them head on... both I didnt even think about who'd be there. I felt like a part of both crowds... rather than an outsider. and yeah I was still "different" but because I showed who I was that didn't isolate me. As I learn to follow better the four letter work inked on my back (LOVE). I learn to share it. My comments, if I feel inclined to leave them on social media are not made in hate. And, Should I say I don't like it I'll say why and give constructive not destructive criticism. Most of my comments don't get responses and... the ones that do are generally positive. I am the anti-troller.
Finally the current- and the my head lately. I may not understand how I'm achieving all of this. but.. I am. Even when I don't feel like doing things... I bargain with myself to say okay, you did that... that's awesome you really didn't want to... what's next? I'll admit this is at a bit slower of a pace than I would like... but I am slightly justifying it by the amount of work I hope to take on and accomplish in the coming year. I'm learning to listen to those phat beats (hehe PH- fat) that resonate from my chest... They tell me what I need to do, get things done... when everything feels right.
I was despairing- I couldn't figuring out my little "complex studio" I wasn't going to deal with setting it up till next year. I learned how to set it up already... again... I underestimated... me. But it's okay, it's all the better when you can stand your ground against your own criticisms... it's one of the hardest (I find) to do. But if and when you can... it's only diesel to keep you propelling.
Today I said something... I'v been giving little mantras and sage-ish advice to myself. Like, you'll never go anywhere if you don't start the car.... or struggles are quicksand... you can thrash and cuss, and scream... when sometimes all you need is a level head.
Heh, again I have to keep coming up with different variations of these to suit the moments but they help and that's all that matters.
And, I think that's all for now. I really enjoyed writing this... this just might be my very favorite entry. And, Hopefully there is nothing but more of this to come. <B
I've been learning to converse with those around me. I've been maintaining what to say and how to be tactful about it. You see, for the longest time I had been afraid to say what was on my mind for fear of ridicule or someone not understanding. But I've taken the liberty of reassuring myself that, that does not matter in most situations. I am making my way to being who I want to be.
But anyways, I've had some really beautiful and positive experiences, even in my little winter slum. At the first of the month I had some really fond moments... subtle but touching. I do have a bit of a nurturing side. I was a at a kid party, and this adorable little guy runs straight up to me... I made a face and he got real close, and pushed his head against mine... not like a head but, just put his forehead on mine... adorable. Same party, another little one runs up latches to my leg and smiles at me before running off. again... super cute. But one of the best parts? I did pretty well, without booze. yeah- my social shield was down and I didn't (necessarily) need it. Shocking. But I know these people a bit better. That and I am pushing myself to be me, and say what I need to. Follow my conscience- gut feeling- nose... wait, no not nose that's toucan Sam from fruit loops.
Most recently I "graduated" my group therapy. Which ... I don't cry much anymore, but if I were to this would have been a moment for tears. My teachers were VERY impressed at the changes I've made in the year. (one of them said that in the last six months alone even). I had many people tell me I was a very good presence in the group... It was very nice to feel that warmth. There was a woman, a woman who I see great potential in... she was super sad, so I talked to her and picked her brain. Got her to laugh with a lesbian joke (because she likes ladies). Then at the end of the group... Still down. I said hey, as she was reaching for her bags...
"guess what!", I said
She kept asking what, ( this was all in a playful manner ^_^) I was waiting for her to stand upright. I told her I had a present but she needed to be facing me. She did and I gave her a huge hug!!! That was another beauty I'll keep in my heart. It shows me that not only do I still have a heart... but it can beat very very loud.
I've gone to 2 other parties. I'll be to the point about these. I faced them head on... both I didnt even think about who'd be there. I felt like a part of both crowds... rather than an outsider. and yeah I was still "different" but because I showed who I was that didn't isolate me. As I learn to follow better the four letter work inked on my back (LOVE). I learn to share it. My comments, if I feel inclined to leave them on social media are not made in hate. And, Should I say I don't like it I'll say why and give constructive not destructive criticism. Most of my comments don't get responses and... the ones that do are generally positive. I am the anti-troller.
Finally the current- and the my head lately. I may not understand how I'm achieving all of this. but.. I am. Even when I don't feel like doing things... I bargain with myself to say okay, you did that... that's awesome you really didn't want to... what's next? I'll admit this is at a bit slower of a pace than I would like... but I am slightly justifying it by the amount of work I hope to take on and accomplish in the coming year. I'm learning to listen to those phat beats (hehe PH- fat) that resonate from my chest... They tell me what I need to do, get things done... when everything feels right.
I was despairing- I couldn't figuring out my little "complex studio" I wasn't going to deal with setting it up till next year. I learned how to set it up already... again... I underestimated... me. But it's okay, it's all the better when you can stand your ground against your own criticisms... it's one of the hardest (I find) to do. But if and when you can... it's only diesel to keep you propelling.
Today I said something... I'v been giving little mantras and sage-ish advice to myself. Like, you'll never go anywhere if you don't start the car.... or struggles are quicksand... you can thrash and cuss, and scream... when sometimes all you need is a level head.
Heh, again I have to keep coming up with different variations of these to suit the moments but they help and that's all that matters.
And, I think that's all for now. I really enjoyed writing this... this just might be my very favorite entry. And, Hopefully there is nothing but more of this to come. <B
Monday, December 22, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Old man winter
Man, I really hate to complain... but winter... I can handle it less and less every year.
Just killing time while I wait for all of my music to upload from my mp3 player to my desktop. So, that means I don't want to do too much in the way of mess with the actual computer ... and I can't listen to the music at the moment. So I'll talk to myself on here.
Hey Bry... How goes it?
I'm good... I guess ... this lack of sun thing... really messes with my mood.
I hear ya
I'm really doing all that I can to find motivation and energy where I can in these times... I try human diesel fuel (coffee) that seems to work.... seems to boost my mood... but I need at least 2 cups a day. As opposed to the usual one. I might be getting this thing called a sunrise alarm.. It's really supposed to help set you on track... as it gradually increases brightness in stead of abrupt loud noises and the like... Granted most, once they reach their full luminosity will make noise (again gradually). It works with the circadian rhythm.. I will do WHATEVER it takes to be the best me as possible... I really feel that that is what life is . Strife. Not the strife to be better than another but the strife toward self approval and accomplishment. And through those elements Happiness... a sense of wholeness that carries.
It's fairly easy for me to ignore that in the winter... I know .. but I'm doing to take happiness and motivation when I can. Be it by coffee, or...sunrise alarm etc.... mainly coffee though. gotta love the Java. My Song is due in 2 weeks... I only have one minute (out of the three I wish to have). I also want to add more to it. Very proud of my compositions.... I listen to them on my mp3 player.. and think of what I might do different.. and where the song will pick up.
I also think when I'm listening to my favorite artists how they did something... of what types of ways that I could do something similar. I'm starting to see it more as poetry... which it is in it's own right. A playground of sound rather than words. I'm on quite the hiatus with poetry. I have not written anything I've been happy with since September. Nor have I had much inspiration in the way of writing. I'm pretty one tracked. I get rather distracted and finish nothing if I don't look straight ahead.
But that's all really. Just some bowing matches with moods, thinking about music, and silently planning my attack on the coming year.
<B
Just killing time while I wait for all of my music to upload from my mp3 player to my desktop. So, that means I don't want to do too much in the way of mess with the actual computer ... and I can't listen to the music at the moment. So I'll talk to myself on here.
Hey Bry... How goes it?
I'm good... I guess ... this lack of sun thing... really messes with my mood.
I hear ya
I'm really doing all that I can to find motivation and energy where I can in these times... I try human diesel fuel (coffee) that seems to work.... seems to boost my mood... but I need at least 2 cups a day. As opposed to the usual one. I might be getting this thing called a sunrise alarm.. It's really supposed to help set you on track... as it gradually increases brightness in stead of abrupt loud noises and the like... Granted most, once they reach their full luminosity will make noise (again gradually). It works with the circadian rhythm.. I will do WHATEVER it takes to be the best me as possible... I really feel that that is what life is . Strife. Not the strife to be better than another but the strife toward self approval and accomplishment. And through those elements Happiness... a sense of wholeness that carries.
It's fairly easy for me to ignore that in the winter... I know .. but I'm doing to take happiness and motivation when I can. Be it by coffee, or...sunrise alarm etc.... mainly coffee though. gotta love the Java. My Song is due in 2 weeks... I only have one minute (out of the three I wish to have). I also want to add more to it. Very proud of my compositions.... I listen to them on my mp3 player.. and think of what I might do different.. and where the song will pick up.
I also think when I'm listening to my favorite artists how they did something... of what types of ways that I could do something similar. I'm starting to see it more as poetry... which it is in it's own right. A playground of sound rather than words. I'm on quite the hiatus with poetry. I have not written anything I've been happy with since September. Nor have I had much inspiration in the way of writing. I'm pretty one tracked. I get rather distracted and finish nothing if I don't look straight ahead.
But that's all really. Just some bowing matches with moods, thinking about music, and silently planning my attack on the coming year.
<B
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