Tally Up

Well, its the Friday of a pretty good week. I feel pretty damn accomplished with it! I mean Monday I went and got my permit so I can do driver's training again. I sent in for a replacement S.S. card, went to counseling and saw some cool people. 

Neat.

Yesterday was another fun little day involving both wants and needs. I heard some overtly religious people on the bus having an oddly civil discussion about gay marriage. I could hear it through my crappy headphones prompting me to join. I did... it was interesting... The two were both religious, one a little more aggressive, the other more neutral trying to understand where the other was coming from, and then the other end of the spectrum myself. Glad I did though. Was an experience.

Next was the rough draft day of the scene for my acting class. I did surprisingly well! My teacher ate it up! And people said that the casting for both roles was a good match up. ^_^ My character is a passive aggressive guy with witty sarcasm. So, it's not too far of a stretch. I got to be an authentic version of myself in a way.

Then, finally, I went to a writing meet up where I met a handful of other writers and the like. they were all rather nice people. I overspent though admittedly. Because I was nervous... so I drank... the place was not cheap because it was one of those "hip" local bars...meh. But it was still decent stuff.

Now I have a handful of stuff I need to and want to accomplish today. This is one of them because, sure why not. I need to do the following yet.

• Get more bus tokens
• Look up laptop repair
• New Candle
• Put some of my coats up for sale
• Add up what I've spent recently
• fill out a job app
• plan a family event with My BF and his sister's little ones.
• Plan the little gathering stuff... 
• Get set up with driver's training
• Maybe get some new music bought
• Finish my Application for the bookstore
• Back up my computers files
• clean up the house some

Not necessarily in any order but these are the things. OH and writing stuff of  course! Researching, writing and such. I hope walk to Biggby and do that, because I'm inspired to do more I feel.

Wrapping this up quickly. I just need to keep up the pace. And try. And care... but not OVERLY  care. Tomorrow I plan on reading some poetry. We'll see how that goes!

Lovely day for a Gatling gun

bang bang bang bang!

A lot has happened  and not happened lol. I spelled that wrong twice in a row... But yeah. I've been doing more stuff than usual and it's become quite a journey. Allowing myself to open more... to feel more. It's really fascinating what I'm learning that I have lost for quite awhile. The acting class is extracting some interesting qualities from my pretty secretive life... But I love it... the things hardest to do usually have a great pay off. It starts off as fear.. and then anxiety, followed by pain... and then clarity.

So much clarity in fact... not a ton... but not all is clear all the time. I stood before my class in my self- management class, and she raved about my poetry... It's the thing that's made the most sense to me for the biggest portion of my life... but I always pushed it away as a pipe dream... and a waste of time... I spent so much time trying to integrate and masquerade as many other things... (a director, a clubber, a psychologist, and most recently.... a musician. This uh bipolar disorder... not to blame it all in this... hinders the stability of self image... it's a known system... But when I catch things that make sense and click they are cherished grand discoveries that I don't take lightly, but celebrate. While, I am not the best with punctuation and other facets of writing that I will have to work on. I have a smooth sense of wording... Yes the thing that has always felt right... didn't feel fake about myself was my writing. I mean, I love pens and empty notebooks... there's just soo much possibility and I just want to smother their pages with ink. Many revelations.. chances and thoughts .

But, that explains that.. concise and to the point I feel. I'm a writer and that's that.

What's been happening and is going to happen? I've started meeting some really cool people. Today might consist of the following: South Lyon Pumpkinfest, pants shopping, and seeing mom. Tomorrow, is a lunar eclipse :), Full BLOOD MOON the last one has not happened in 33 years!, then Monday Will be packed with the secretary of state, the social security office for a new social security card, and counseling, rewarded by the witches night out with ace people. Tuesday get your fix... it's national coffee day.
Thursday is going to be my second acting thing, but the rough draft of it. My character is uptight and fed up... perfect! The couple people that saw us practicing liked it.
The weekend I will go to my second poetry event and this time I will read more confidently. I have to start attending more of these things and make my name a little more known. And placing myself in more situations for networking purposes. Shouldn't be extremely taxing considering Ann Arbor is fairly literate.
The weekend after that there is a tentative Halloween Gathering.
And then the weekend after that is Halloweekends! One of the major staples as it is for my birthday.

BURRRRRRP!

You're welcome.

I figured it is about that time again to spit out some knowledge, some insight, some memories.



PAST:

SOOOOO said baseball game happened. That was cool. I went into it exactly as I had intended which was indifferent. That way it was more likely that I would be less agitated. Needless to say it worked. Even when I was pressed in with a bunch of strangers, I was pretty damn calm. I found myself freaking out and was able to bring down my anxiety quite a bit by thinking myself through it.
Anyways, mom had the best time which was really cool, it was expected that she would enjoy the event the most. I feel bad though... I felt like and I actually knew that I was kind of ignoring her.. I am aware of that and as to why that is. But all in all a positive experience... and I got my crackerjacks!
Next up, my bf and I went to a wedding (his sister's sister in law) I'd only really seen her in passing at like birthday parties and things, but was invited by association. It was really cool, better than I would have thought. I even convinced my bf to dance to the funky chicken. Because that was the only song that sounded cool to me, and I could rationalize looking silly doing. That and I saw the withered faces of a lot of old people staring out into the dancing people with unaltered faces. One in particular stood out to me. I thought very quickly to myself, as I saw some ladies 3 times my age getting down on the floor, and two of which told me I need to be out there! HAHA. Yeah I should be. Life is short even if it was just one song. I need to be doing it! Enjoying the little life that I have left. I didn't want to be like the other spectators... wasting the even shorter time they had left, unenthusiastic, and confused on the sidelines.

CURRENTLY:

I am listening to some Celldweller to drown out the sound of the neighbors fraternizing. I think that it actually cleared them out. GOOD. I've started to wake up at six, because I have goals in mind and I need to keep them in my cross-hairs as often as possible and balance giving myself the credit I should be giving myself as well as the inspiration needed to fuel said dreams even further along. I'm pretty sure that was a run on sentence. But I've been watching more videos to learn things. Realizing more and more that if I want something I'm going to need to get moving especially because a lot of people my age are further along in their ventures. I didn't have that luxury when I was a youth. I mean I could have but I was enjoying the little bit of well deserved peace I was getting. Don't want to elaborate on that. I have a little board behind my comp that has the goals I've accomplished as well as some strong words of encouragement. I also came up with a new plan to kind of lock myself in my space for 3 hours at a time, and only leave to use the bathroom. I mean literally only leave to use the bathroom. I'll gather all the things that I think that I'll need and just station myself there. The reason for waking up at six though is to pretty much help justify to myself the lack of work that I'd be putting in otherwise at the end of the day when I am with my boyfriend. And being less annoyed about the time. So yeah.. Eye on the prize type thing, and being more organized trying to implement the creative process... I even though about leaving my phone out of the room while doing this. But for the most part I tend to not really realize it's in the room unless it's right on my desk. Even then sometimes... I get consumed... Which is one of the best things possible to realize that I've been so involved that I've been one with whatever I am doing.

FUTURE:

This weekend we are watching the dogs again, which as I have stated back a couple of blogs ago is a fun thing for me. It will especially be the the last thing before I am back to the school thing. Nervous, excited. But I'll attempt the neutral stance that has aided me quite a bit this year. Plus when school hits, it's essentially fall. I mean come on people look at the months as the markers for the seasons, not the specific date of he 21st... Sure that's the official... but people really see the fall as being September, October, November. With less than 2000 hours to spare until the big H I'm pretty optimistic.

<B

FULL MOONS I"M A SLACKER!!!

blahahahahahha

WOW! I actually looked back at the last time that I have posted an entry! 8 days? Crazy!

Anyways though. I think I've not been reporting in because I have felt sick and or haven't felt there was not enough for me to say. I DUNNO! But let's get intro this!



PAST:

 Okay, so what's been up Bry Bry? Ah, nothing much. Being too hard on myself.. Not sleeping that well, trying a new med that made me sick. ummm okay... anything good though? Well, yeah I've kept up almost 3 whole weeks of being dairy free! Good job. Yes, good indeed. I've been feeling really sluggish and stuff. That kinda sucks... but I'm working on seeing a neurologist hopefully next month. Hopefully it's sleep related, because I do not know what else could be the cause. What Else... What else! OOO! Probably my favorite thing! On Sat or Sun, the bf and I rearranged some stuff. It has made the flow of everything so amazing! There were a couple of reasons for said rearranging of the house/ rooms. But the main one was that, I love being in solitude in the morning... I'm not that social of a being to begin with, but that morning isolation is much needed to carry on and collect thoughts and stuff. Because when I invest in something... I become enamored... BUT it's not to the point where everything else is filtered out... In these moments I need to be alone... Other presences distract me. .... except for sometimes when I'm in public, and the anxiety actually helps me to focus and pull my head out of the world that surrounds me... What can I say other than I am what I am and I do what I do. I can only work with my cards and try to play them in the best ways possible.

ANYWAYS... Focus Bry. Okay we got this. But what we did is we put the treadmill in the guest room which was one the "guest room/ office room". We moved the stereo in there, (which knowing me, I'll follow my stereo, it's how I work out... it's how I've worked out since the dawn of my exercising. Sooo I am back into my own domain, and I don't feel like my morning space is being invaded, and my bf doesn't feel like he's being invasive. In addition to that awesome move... We also moved my little work space into the room! So now I have my own little space, and we can separate if needed. I love it... Now I have sunlight right behind me.... I can control the amount of light coming in through the room, (the curtains in the other room were fixed, light could get through, but the only way to get the most light was to raise them up. and I was off to the corner which felt awkward like my inner child had done something wrong. Back to the perks of the new room.

I can burn my candles in it safely, My stereo is right next to my desk, So if I want some better sound I could hook my comp up to my stereo. Everything has great flow here.

And then there is the empty space... now in the dining room. ;(... but NOT TO WORRY!. The bf also get's a sweet deal! he got to buy the dining room table he has been eyeing for the whole 8 months of this year. It's a nice honey colored corner table booth thing... Like the kind you would find in the corner of a restaurant. And now that I won't be all naked and stuff in the living room, we can keep the side window open! Let some awesome sunlight in all the time and letting the nice view in. That's great because that's one of the features of the place that had made me fall in love with it! SOOO that's what has happened! So little but yet so much!



PRESENT:

 Today is in the air... No not because it is one of the freestyle days. But because had been feeling for awhile that I was trying too hard to force a schedule upon myself and... MAKE myself do things... When you try and make yourself to do things in art... at least for me... it turns out gross and I hate it and it just doesn't feel right it really strips the magic from the project. I mean don't get me wrong there needs to be guidelines to some degree. Like the amount of hours of each you'd like to get done. But doing marathons are... gross and discouraging. At least for me they are... I need to do what pops into my head when it pops into it! Just a thing.. Always been that way... when I force it I draw a blank and I'm over it. And I am sad because of that... and this nasty cycle of resentment. So.. yeah basic guidelines will help... and there's also some other good things... with things that I would like to time... I SHOULD literally time them. With the timer/ alarm on my phone... Put my phone down and try to give myself fully to whatever it is that I need to or want to be doing. Which, again is a personal thing that helps me ... kind of relieves me... Takes the weight from the things just a little bit kind of locking me in to a time frame... that's not too long not supers short. And then sometimes, I'll go the half hour route. That mean's I'll do something for half an hour, if I'm not feeling it right then and there, then I'll come back later. BUT if I am enjoying it and I I'm in the zone so to speak... I'll just keep it up. So, yeah... it is usually around these times that the lightening up is surprisingly helpful... it helps me to be more positive and more proactive... because I'm not being one of those overbearing parents to myself... You know the one... the one that wants their kid to be perfect and pushes them to the breaking point all of the time... And then when I don't adhere to that inner voice it batters me.

Simply stated I usually over stress to the point of stagnancy...

THIS JUST IN!!! I almost died... or really fucked myself up! Why? The table came! I try to tumble it up the stairs by myself to surprise the boyfriend... Alas I could not... I got stuck... I also slid back... and it would have crushed me for sure!... By some fate...I called for him... and he heard me from his nap... and help me get it back down the stairs at least. WHOO!! excitement... endorphins! Blood pumping action!



FUTURE: 

August is full of necessary evils and somethings that put the FUN back in FUNCTIONS!! ... yeah that wasn't good lol. But the nearest thing is probably the full moon on friday... The second full moon this month. Which I hear is extremely rare... So it should be more special... I should really try and go out that night and visit it.
Then there's the baseball game I have mentioned. that should be unique. I'm most exciting about the cracker jacks... but I really do care if I come back... that'd be scary... am I the only one who thinks that it's horrifying that you usually hear kids singing that song by the way? I'm sure John Walsh hates that song.
Then a wedding... I'm not particularly thrilled.. I don't know the people... I've met them but hardly talked to them and stuff... It's the sister in law of my Bf's sister. Ummm free food and booze though, should I (probably) choose to indulge in that.
Then watching the dogs again.. earlier blogs say that.
I gotta get school books.. and go to a thing for the job rehabilitation thing that I finally signed up for. Andddd, last but not least Go back to school.
And again... I don't mind August... Especially if it's got things to look forward to to help the month pass... It's like fiber for a month that is constipated. But again... Halloween stuff is on the rise... August this the beginning... muahahaha.

One last thing... there is the possibility of going to Chicago on my B-Day weekend.... THAT"S AWESOME. Fall, awesome....October, awesome...Birthday, awesome... Chicago awesome... All together plus right around Halloween?!? This might rival my best birthday to date! (my 17th). But As with everything I shall go in with compressed expectations... as much as I can for going to Chicago around my B-day. Worst case scenario we can't go. Oh well. the back up of Halloweekends is still awesome! And now that I'm getting better at trying to make my B-day this grandiose thing... I can take what I get... I mean I already have it in the best season, the best month, and 13 days before the best Holiday

... Nuff said

<B

Pip squeek motherfucker

If you wouldn't say it up close, don't say it you moron.

PAST:

 Well, since I already tackled the camping trip what news is to be had? Not much...actually a whole lot of nothing really. Too much of it. I've been doing well enough, eating what and when I can. For some odd reason I have not received my food stamps for the month. So I am forced into a world of milk beans, and tuna... The essentials. The only things that I can say about it are sure it sucks, but it's doing some good, it's helping me eat less crap- even if involuntarily. It's also forcing me to be a little bit more creative with my food. So that's not all bad. Couple days ago when I felt down and out... and tired as fuck I looked up ways to build energy and I constructed a list to do so. It was going to be of 100 things, but I only got around to 50 seeing as a lot of the sites had very similar answers : exercise, water, sleep, eat well, and go outside for a little bit as well as breaking things up into chunks. Maybe THAT'S how I felt like I got a lot more done last year... because I didn't overtly dwell on one aspect at a time but I rotated from one thing to the next between an hour and an hour and a half. Good stuff right?

Yesterday was fabulous for all the right reasons. It was one of those days that I deemed to be a lax day. But what I mean by that is it is really giving into whatever I want to do in whatever order with the exception of exercise because I have to do that first thing in the morning. the YES in yesterday was apparent. I allowed myself to do things in my own time, and only did but 30 minutes of each thing. If I felt that that was enough I moved right along. but if I became enamored with something. Why stop it? Sooo First off I started maybe even finished a bay side project. It was but a drawing of whatever I thought of drawn in white ink on black poster board. It was very random, I drew with what I felt from the music I was listening to at the time which, was the mortal kombat 2 video game soundtrack. It was weird to say the least as 99.9% of my art is... But the thing is is I just let it flow and it was organic... that was from me. I was not forcing much of anything. But I put that down after 30 minutes. I may pick it up the next lax day (Sunday) and add more... Or flip it onto the other side. Generally in the back of my mind I know then something is done. I feel that it actually is but when I go back to it I might have completely new additives to contribute. Next I packed up and did something that was very different and exciting. I walked out into the beautiful early autumn type weather and hit bigby coffee.. Oddly enough not black diesel... I'm not sure but I think I like where bigby is more... It has more of a scenic vibe to it overlooking one of my favorite parks and original filming location for a video that's very dear to me. I should definitely take that into account when I count my achievements in life. It may be all weird and janky and and stuff. But it IS MINE! I very nearly single-handedly came up and did everything. Which is great in regards to having 3 other people on my team (the smallest team in the class already) and two did not really care it seemed and the other one did, but she lived far away and had a lot of job stuff. But anyways, I remember it, working through a literal storm, utilizing the only time that I had in the computer room to make this as best as I could...  Anyways, off subject. Sentimental attraction to the location. I actually brought my laptop with me. THAT itself is pretty unique. I sat down, and I got to work on a song from scratch, and I worked with it until my battery died about 2 - 2 1/2 hours later. I was amazed at how time went by and how focused I was for having people be around. Awesome though. I walked on home, and I took maybe 2 hours to myself... Not sure what? That eludes me. But then I took a shower and thought to myself I wanted a little bit more. What was that little bit more? The anthology... I really thought about it and I don't need it to be in alphabetical order at all. All I really needed to do was to make it so that the pages did not have incomplete poems on them... So more or less I just entered everything down. Then I asked the boyfriend if he could print it because I want a physical copy of the rough ROUGH draft. To change words and or punctuation revise it. But beyond me I want 3 others to review it. And then I will be on the hunt of someone to publish through. Or, self publish through whatever. The plan is to have it published by at latest Halloween. I want it digital, I want maybe 30 copies paperback, and one hardcover for myself because I love Hardcover but it's expensive. Maybe some places will sell it? Who knows. All I know is that I will be passing it along.

Wow, I guess I am giving the extended answer for everything.

CURRENT:

Well Right now I have already watched on of my music tutorials. which I found someone who teaches in an informative but casual tone. PERFECT! And then I am finishing up this rather lengthy blog, will drinking some nasty vanilla protein powder, milk, coffees, cinnamon concoction... The only thing making it a cup of yuck is the powder... the chocolate is better for some reason. Then... I will do job hunting on the basic sites, which usually takes about half an hour or less because of the overly high or low standards for jobs. Nothing Halloween or fall related YET! But I assume soon as it it is almost 100 days away... which in retail is when things start to appear for the following season. And then a walk, and some well needed cleaning, and more music, and then figuring out what to put on the red poster board to wrap up the day.


FUTURE:

Well, all of the closest things are next week which gives excitement for that week. First of the Witches thing! YAYYY. I doubt it but perhaps we'll have another fall type day. Then the following day the madness ensues when the art fair wakes up and fills the streets with tourists and hippies and yapping children. It's fun sometimes. But usually a giant mass of sweaty writhing skin moving at a crawling pace. I have to go ad report to my psychiatrist to let her know how the new medicine dosage is treating me on the second day of the fair.... which just so happens to be right downtown as well. Safe to say that I would not only want to walk to it, but I'd probably get to it faster walking... as the traffic is the main annoyance for most of the people who have lived here for years. and last... but my favorite bit of news. NEW CELLDWELLER MUSIC! Yes that's always a good time for me. So that means beginning Sunday I will be listening to his albums in order until the new one arrives. And then this month is pretty much washed up... I don't really ever recall my July's being eventful. I think for most people it is their favorite and their busiest and the just have everything to do. And my "july" is October. Which still needs a bit of preparation. Need to talk to the bf about that. We've got slightly more than 3 months to prepare, and three months is the bare minimum for planning things.

Okay, Goodbye!

 ^_^

 <B

Clicks and pops

Today has been productive, and I'm trying to squeeze the very last juice into doing the needs I need and want to do. That's why these blog things will probably happen only like 4th day I think. Just so that I can allow myself more time to do everything hopefully, and the only real reason I am (kind of set back is: I'll explain in a minute.

PAST: Went to the counselor yesterday that seemed kinda rushed to be honest. Oh well. I really like walking places, but it does eat up a lot of time. So maybe I won't? I don't know lol. We did decide that I need to try and figure out how to keep myself engaged in my projects. Rather than saying that I have a ton of projects that I have never finished.

CURRENT: Bring us to today, where I woke up.... way too early and could not get back to sleep. This morning (after my first coffee in 2 weeks) I was doing my exercises very smoothly. I wrote down a ton of lists for about a solid hour and a half. They included the things that are utmost importance to me. They are goals, and plans and pretty specific ones at that. Today was eaten up a little bit by the fact that I did two time consuming things. One, I walked to get my hair cut... 2 I still needed to arrange and add files to my comp and back up all of the files on my external hard drive. Which... I just remembered I have to do. As well as still delete a couple of things I do not really use anymore. But this was one my agenda for today, and it is fairly fast, and I'll be able to knock this and a couple others off fairly easy. So that's where this is coming from. As a side note I have to mention that it felt such like early fall today, the grey but not raining weather, the air just cool enough to wear a light jacket if you wanted to. Awesome. BTW FULL MOON TONIGHT!!!

FUTURE: Tomorrow I will finish what ever I happened to not reach. Which will be like half to a quarter of the things. I mean I have options. It's really a matter of what I want. I would like to devote way more time to these, about 3 hours for one and at least one hour for the other. Or I could try and level with myself and only do an hour of each. I have come up with better composed ideas on how to accomplish my projects. Their not 100% solid. But that's still better I feel. The three main projects are kind of lined up and rationed out in order of importance. So, the sound stuff I should be doing to some degree (I'd like to do at least 3 hours a day) every day, I'm going to try and work on the grim spectrum a bit more. That would be the book or story rather that I started writing last year... So, we'll see how that goes... I plan on doing something that might help to motivate, and or encourage me to progress with it. Like posting pages of it on instagram or places where I can get some constructive criticism. I mean I personally think that the story and the characters are very dynamic in their own ways. I essentially have the whole story in my mind and how it will end etc. But it's the dialogue, and pacing that is a bit taxing. BUT taxing is good it shows heart. I have to make sure that I can keep the train rolling, because as I will always state. bipolar makes it hard sometimes to just function on a basic level, let alone thinking and working consistently. But hey, there are so many people doing great things out there with physical impairments, and mental challenges that surpass my own. Does that make my burden any less? No. But what it does is it gives me hope that I can move past the clouds over head and ascend... not like in... a religious sense. That's another thing I have to make sure that I write out is, a list of accomplishments dating all the way back to as far as I can remember. This should help greatly. Also writing a list of things that I would tell someone else as well as things I am constantly telling myself for advice.And of course I'd look up quotes from my favorite artists. Because a lot of them had to overcome things to reach the levels they are at now. It takes awhile, and for some people, they have the right connections, or the market themselves flawlessly, or are just utterly gifted. I am none of the above but I am persistent. I just need to try and figure out how to speed up my recoil time (or bounce back time whatever you want to call it). Because if I truly care about something or someone I try and come back... I try things 3 times, if it doesn't work out in that point in time I might give it another  three more chances after 3 or more years. In the past I have left huge gaps between things stopped and started... and doubted and over thought leaving room for doubt to seep in.  Sometimes you have to just make a decision and stand by it until it doesn';t work, and then you try something else. I know many of my artists that I look up to have failed many a time before reaching their current status. Persistence is a good trait to have. I also read that if you don't take risks (especially on an unconventional path) you might just miss out and stay put... I need to keep remembering that when I decided to move out here... It was with a house of complete strangers about 17 miles away from home... I was terrified. But it turned out that I'd be fine and that years later I'd be far better off than if I would have stayed back with my parents. Off subject though. All I know is that music has been the most constant and consistent part of my life. It's always been there, expanding my library, my tastes, the things that I recognize and question about not only the music but how and why the artist has done certain things. I'm noticing now more than ever details that I have never really looked at... I was hearing the music and not listening with the same attention I now give it. I've nearly always been able to hear a singer and or a voice and be able to tell the vocalist, even if I've never heard the song before.

Okay, gotta get back to the other things but I guess that I needed this SUPER reflective entry.

oh... I didn't even mention camping... Really quick - Everything is in place, I have set up "the rules" for myself that will help me to feel better and be a lot happier . Such as what I eat and when I will go to bed and that the exercise of choice will be walking. It's better than nothing so I'll take it!


BIG NEWS POSITIVE VIBESSS! STAY TUNED FOR POSSIBLE AWESOME NEWS!

a thousand times yes

PAST: This weekend The BF and I went to downtown Plymouth to see what was out there! It was really cool! Really busy and alive... didn't seem like Michigan at all really. I tried some candy I never had, and went to a blossoming young comic shop called Blaze-Thru comics, the owner was pretty awesome!

CURRENTLY: Still watching the dogs witch has been pretty good! the best time so far I think. I've still not started the day fully. I've been looking up new music (Blanck Mass) and looking into what exactly Hedonism, paganism, and Wiccan are. I actually Identify with all of the above. It's really cool.

FUTURE: Upon looking up this stuff I found an event I've been curious about for a few months happening tomorrow for witches. A sign? Maybe :). Then a possible wedding thing this weekend, nd then mom's b-day the following, and then the race the weekend after that... It's weird that June has been the busiest month .

FEELING: in between slackerish, and excited from all of the new information I've picked up. I feel like it's kind of late in the day, but I feel better rested I think. I feel pretty awake, And like I have to.... pee... DEATH TO THE UTI!

RANDOM THOUGHT: Kinda, Did you know what Hedonism actually is? It basically means what I have been saying all along about how I believe that life is about seeking out the most pleasure usually by the five senses, and as long as it is not harming anyone else. I've always felt this. So it holds happiness in the highest of regards essentially. Good stuff>

WORK: None to be found still... the leads grow smaller , my searches are quicker... I don't want to settle but I also do not want to fail at my next job... I have to call my caseworker. and see if the job rehab thing will be a good thing to do. I don't know if I need her but assume it's referral based.

SOUNDS: I've been working a lot more. once a day, not as much as I should but that is already better than what I have been doing the last few weeks. I'm learning to be fairly repetitive in songs... Most people like that... I'm also working on learning how to make things blend better and not pop out awkwardly. Learning to compress and equalize can be tedious but it's a (sometimes fun and) necessary evil.

HEALTH: I've been fluctuating in the mood department... as most are aware it's related to my self image. If the image is unsatisfactory, I'm not the funnest. And I've been eating icky things lol. Out of boredom... and to kill time. BUT I have started to write list and and things of that nature... Maybe that can be a cool strategy to help keep me centered everyday. Write a list, about whatever... I find great pleasure in lists and statistics!.

CONFUSED ABOUT: Why I let myself slip up Health wise, when I've been doing my best? It's happened like that a couple times going in circles... Last year I was upwards up till about May, in regards to emotion. In regards to getting things done and HEalthwise, I'd say I starting sliding about... July or August. I don't know, *Shrugs*

Everything in a nutshell with a bag of chips... that was lame for you to read probably as it was for me to type lol. But in the very least if your rolled your eyes... well.. I made you feel something. Have a splendiferous day!   <B

Some silence required

yeah, it's been rather unintentional that I haven't put anything here in like a week. I've been putting in the work (recording myself). But When I've been uploading to youtube it's been taking forever to upload, and a lot of the time lately I've had to interrupt it and BAM! No news on my end. But no, not today sir... not at all! Today i am going to type it all out... For just a couple of reasons mainly.

This right here... this thing I'm doing with the fingers, and the clicking sounds, and the letters... This I can see the progress of and am confident of it getting to where it needs to be right away...The second is. There's a beautiful silence... I don't even have music on right now... just doesn't seem pleasing at the moment.

Lately I've been a little back and forth with how my mind is working but one thing is certain it's facing forward at least! I am doing the steps necessary for the goals that I need and want to achieve. For instance I am looking for work every day. Granted this might prove more of a challenge than my prior thoughts had imagined. ... I'm honest they ask questions like :

"Are you a fast learner?" or, "do you have a passion for talking with people?" or "do you enjoy working in a fast paced and always changing work environment?"

No, No, and NOT AT ALL.

I have 3 options as I see it right now, luck out and get into a comic store... get into hot topic, orrrr get into a night job. I did get an interview with the top comic store in the area... I was pumped... a little overly so... pumped until tense... anxiety probably read like a billboard across my forehead. Nonetheless it did 2 things for me. it honored me that I was considered and got an interview at a place that wasn't even advertising hiring. AND it was a place in my top 3 targets for work. So it helped build my confidence in the fact that it's not silly to hold out for what you want. Sure it may suck till it gets there. but when you do.. you'll just be even more thankful than if you got just what you wanted right away... instant gratification hardly satisfies.

Basically the last few blogs have been talking about the main couple of things sticking like pins in my head. 1. managing the surges of anxiety I've been having mainly social. This one I have to pay close attention to first off because you can't do much of anything unless you can maintain yourself first. Second is an income source. Here, in this corner we have ME with a brutal $100 to his name borrowed in student loans. BUT! I'm fighting! I filled out for a bridge card as most of what I spend my money on is groceries anyways. So that should help preserve things long enough till I figure out the main issue. Which is, the income... this is the interesting logic I've been going round and round with lately.

There are 2 pieces to this Merry-go-round. The first is the wants and needs. I know, and I want to be adamant about finding work... Meanwhile I know that I can't be on that all day... it'd burn me out worse than right now... So, I try to do other things that I want to do, go for a walk... get coffee, play with music stuff... even though sound design and or music is what I hope to achieve in the long term... what about now? I try and push off my annoyance of not working on the music... and justify it with the fact that I am doing what I need to for the present... But does that subtract and or take away from the progression of my future goals. Another thing that I am almost positively sure of, it that when I have figured out my income dilemma I should feel free and be able to more comfortably act upon my interest to spend hours absorbed in   whatever endeavor I choose and not feel bad about it.

The second half deals with comparisons... Everyone does it even if they just do it in their heads... It's in human nature to look upon others and kind of "assess" where we stand in relation... The monkey see monkey do of magazines, the television... and  other various medias... They all portray what and how beauty is and how it is defined. Enough people follow... the screens say gluten is bad... Point is... is the general populace will eat most of what it is given and see much anything else as abstract or wrong... without thought of the logic behind it. It exists for a reason... Everything for the most part does... Back to the personal values this has to me. I do compare.. though not as much as I have in the past... I still do... again, everyone does. Weird for me because in a lot of ways I am my own in my own thoughts and actions... but body image... body image... I've noticed greatly that as most have noticed with me. Good news is I've learned to kind of break that cycle a little bit... I am a lot better about things as long as I know that I am doing what is within my power to control... and fit into the MY standards. Which essentially consist of being between 140-150 lbs, being able to see some ribcage, and having my cheekbones be prominent. And pale skin... but I love the sun too much lol. I know by today's model male that I am almost the ANTI- in... That ,  I am fine with... it's just getting heavy... that I agree with the media about as being something that is not for me. I also do this with my actions and music... I know the roads I have chosen break from the path of the harvard lawyer or, the doctor, or what have you... I'm fine with that... but When faced with that awkward mention to someone who took those steps... and the fact that it is foreign to them... I do feel a bit of that good old fashioned highschool criticism sting me. Same with music, I want to be great.. I am a perfectionist ... an impatient perfectionist... This is a phrase I have to repeat daily to myself mainly when working with music... "don't try and be a clone of this or that artist... you are not them... you have something that is in YOU! Explore that, let that out! it's genuine, and people -especially those who enjoy music will hear that! Like designated signal... they'll read it..." I guess the same thing can be applied to all other facets... speak... and live with sincerity... Stick to your beliefs... these things are so hard to do and I feel they are really uncommon in these times... but if you have them and can uphold them... what you have is a self fulfilling arsenal!

Wow this is therapeutic hahhaha... It's like I just gave myself a mini self- help speech... Inspired- I'll take my bow... Have a good day, to any who might stumble across this page! MUAH!

<B

U is for Underwear

i don't know why underwear... was the first thing that popped into my head.

hello again, Bry.

So today, is going pretty fast and pretty good... it's not taking for ever like some other days have felt this week. I've already cleaned up the house a bit... Reached out in the forums I frequent, looked up jobs, offered music to some youtubers I know, and, well that's about it thus far... But I feel that still... the rest of my day is up in the air... I need in the very least 2 more hours with music, ... I need to add more poems to the anthology and I will probably hit the town for the drum circle again...

I may or may not attempt the nerd Nite but that's because I found out yesterday that it it is... nerd... Nerd like... Sciencey.. not nerd like dorky... comics... monsters and stuff..... *shrugs*.

I'm gonna try and force myself to go, because: for one my friend not go... which in my adult mind shouldn't be a reason and is likely an excuse because I don't want to venture into the cold.

that alone might be enough to keep me away from the nerd nite thing, because if I'm already uncomfortable.. and going into more uncertainty... hmmm seems a little shaky on how things might go down. But! you never know... I sure as hell have surprised myself numerous times this year, and it's barely the 2nd quarter of the year.

So as I see it if I go, it starts at 7... at least 2 hours of music and half an hour of adding to the anthology leads me up to about...  5pm.

*looks outside... listens to the whipping wind*

Ew.

You know for a decade I had let my hair kind of define me... I'm still playing with it obviously but still... there are more pros to have my hair short than long. I mean, saves money, both on hair cuts and gels, and sprays, and dyes and bleach etc. This crappy stuff called "wind" isn't as much of a pain in my ass, no bedhead, no one can mess up my hair.. bees can't hide in it (that happened once),

The only real downsides I see are that my head get's a little colder in the cold seasons, BUT! there's a plus to that too that means that my head will be cooler in the summer! I can't do much with it, thus it keeps me looking very nearly the same everyday so- I have to rely more so on what I wear and accessorize some in order to make up for that I feel... *shrugs* I love being able to look at things with a couple of different angles. It really helps to keep you from being bummed about things that can't be controlled or just things that you don't like.  Alright well, I'm going to try and do whatever it is I'm going to do now, MUAH! <B

J is for Jester

So today, is off to a good start.

It's sunny, the sky is blue, and I have ideas.

The ideas I have include further sprucing up my little "office" By adding some bright colors for some color psychology if you will.

I want to make sure to try different colors of bright poster boards and see how that goes.

But it should definitely help to improve things I believe.

I am a little back and forth.. off topic with any one thought.

That much is apparent.

But I have energy! So yeah!

I think as a plan D. I will try and do overnights.

I really want a job that involves moving. Which is funny because what I ultimately want to do is sit a desk and point and click and type away all day. BUT! While venting and creating. Pretty different from the average office job.

If I don not find something by the end of wither this month or next. I will be nightshift bound... and if it becomes a problem this time around then I will just need to fix it.

I realize one of the reasons as to why I am a little bummed lately... it's the dumb friend thing. I want to have friends especially now that it's nice out but that's whatever. I gotta keep telling myself that I can use that to my advantage. Everything has it's plus and minuses.. I need to believe that but.,... all humans need to be social to some degree.

and I truly need to block everything out to get ahead on my path... do worry about who's doing what... or who's going where... or what you are lacking... Much like when I used to walk really long distances... I'd keep going. Why? because I wanted what I wanted and I knew I was the only one who could do it for me. Funny how when I was younger I understood that more and I worked with it more..

But back then it was more of a coping mechanism. Because I feel that when the initial shocks of  my family fall outs settled I let those thoughts go, or at least grow soft. I'm slowly uncovering those shards... and those brought a sense of strength and obliviousness to me that attracted people to me... because I didn't really care about the rest of the world... I just did what I liked and I liked what I did... But when I really started to "fit in"... I lost my fight a bit. I gave my all to my friends at the time. I still would in all honestly... but I need to come first nowadays... because I have goals I musn't let be tampered with... I've done my math and heard that for successful people being selfish in some matters is perfectly normal. Makes sense, like if someone makes food and you won't eat it because you're watching your waist... might hurt them... but you have your own agenda... they'll get over it... but if you have that food... it'll probably leave a problem in your head for longer than it would that person you said no to.

Holding ground...  If I really want this I can't be wishy washy.

B00M

Teehehhee

Last couple days A.K.A the weekend were cool in a big way.

(not sure when my last post was, probably like wednesday or something. )

Friday was weird, when I let my issues kind of take over, and just ate, and slept, and did nothing... Yeah, one of those. 

Saturday was different. Lately, I've stressing on the two major factors in my life right now which is trying to learn what I want to learn in the realm of sound, and two finding work to hold things down until the move to Florida. (Finding out locations to move and such is it's own story. 

Last week I fretted, going back and forth from the plan of doing have a day of sound, and half a day of music.... to doing one day music, one day jobs. Both of these stressed me out.

In the past, I would think about things so much and stress so much importance in things that I kind of paralyzed myself. This was the case with the two patterns I was attempting. i was coming at them all wrong really. I should be doing both everyday, with the job as my predominant focus, but darting to the sound and music when I need a break. I learned this on Saturday when I didn't feel I HAD to do anything. it was in the back of my head I and I did it.  Same with other chores and wants that I have. I should really just do them in the time that I get tired or frustrated with the job hunt, and music, but of course return back to the hunt. it's good to have a more of a want mentality than a need. For the most part we all want what we need. When you want something (in my case at least) I am more inclined to move. 

Yeah Saturday was a good one. because I came up with some other great solutions and what not. 

School: I will not be taking classes in the spring. There are about 2 or three classes I want left and I can utilize the summer to begin work back up. I would definitely have to start work though... or stretch 1,000 over the course of 4 months 0.o Financial aid would give a cash boost in the fall, and I would not have to start paying back my loans until about the time we move to Florida. It sounds like I'm trying to skip out but I fully intend on paying it back. When I work I will even set aside money just for that purpose. The more I organize the faster and stronger I become at things.

Work: I need to for multiple reasons. First is to help my Boyfriend. Second is to start building up cash to start paying my loans back. Third is that I want money to feed into the new sound habit... It's really addictive when you start to learn about things. The plan is to look for more of freelance jobs at first, searching for those types of jobs for about a month.. The beauty with a lot of the ones I'm looking at is that I could do multiple jobs that equal out to one regular job. I have no problem with that considering that I get bored pretty easy. The most I've ever stayed with one job is a year by choice. The only thing with looking for work outside of retail and fast food is that there is quite a lot of uncertainty. let's say Macy's is hiring, you know it's legit because it's a big well known name. burger king the same thing. Venturing outside of those realms though, risks must be taken. The only way to really know in a lot of ways for anything really is to try it. do it. Worst thing, it doesn't work. You won't die. 

 Part two of the work hunt plan is to look at truck loaders. That or as a final option. Working overnights. I might have stressed before that working nights might be an issue for my well being... Hard for me to judge completely because that last time I did (and had a mental breakdown) there was so much that I wasn't used to that I overloaded and crashed. A poor diet of sugar, salt, and grease, Energy drinks and coffee constantly pumping through my veins. Two back to back jobs that equaled to about 16 hours a day or more, and I had a mental disorder that had not even been diagnosed yet. So, I might be able to work nights, who knows. The only issue I'll have is I'll miss the sun. But to me I just have to balance the dislikes of missing the sun to the dislike of dealing with people. People can make or break a work experience, I'd in the very least like to have some awesome coworkers, let alone care about what it is I'm doing or selling. I'd be way more proficient than feeling like I just lied to a person between my teeth about some terrible product they just bought. 

Self joy. Not masturbation. I know that it is truly good for one to do at least one thing for them self a day if not a couple small things. It will help fuel you by making you feel good, and the cycle goes on. I'm going to try and practice this again, when I get stumped in all of my online ventures. (did you know that staring at a screen too long can actually make you tired? I didn't. Love psychology) One of the ways I'll capture some magic daily is to just sit and listen to music, do nothing else just sit with headphones in kind of a meditated state. I used to do this a lot when I was younger and it helped me to open my head and be a little more creative and invested in doing things. The other is walking. Especially now that the sun is starting to show more. If we get through this month like this. There's a pretty good chance that Michigan's spring has sprung. 

Alright, that's all Going to check the weather, probably walk, and then get to work.

<B

BUUUUUURRRRRRPPPPPPP

Excuse me.

The Main idea today is.... scattered lol. But mainly, the main idea (hahaha) is knowing yourself and whatever works...

everything I'm seeing for the most parts revolves around these themes. There is no specific way of doing everything. In fact, I'd say most innovation comes from either blunders or just trying something "crazy". I just sold a piece of equipment I bought a year ago, it was more than what I needed and I felt that at the time. But it is what it is, and I accepted it now. I just have to be a little more attentive to the little voice of reason poking around in the back of my brain. Now, I'm going to purchase the item I knew I should have went with and it will get more use and I should be happier with it for sure.

[Stuff]

So, yeah Avidly been researching every little thing that crosses my mind. I am fully unlocking the potential for the internet, For so many years it's just been a source of Youtube, Downloading music, video games, Amazon, and other...things ;p. But if I want to know something all I have to do is ask... I usually base the answer off of the average answer on the first page of google and roll with it as to save time. Ummmm.. Friday 13th, Valentine's Day ^_^ (always loved it). And Vegas, maybe this on other thing, I'm hesitant to try, but might... because Idk I've never done it... and the winter has helped with a little bit of a regression socially... as is the tendency for many others.

Vegas, my first plane trip...Ummm.. yup... nope not... afraid?! heh... But I am excited... I become more excited ( and more nervous about the plane) as it gets closer to the date, that's just how it is when I'm unfamiliar with things and places, and things usually turn out better that way... I am not allowed to over analyze by any means lol.

I'm less excited about the casino and more interested in being in another state, and being in a warmer and sunnier area, as well as... a couple of really cool costume shops and a year round haunted house!
I am totally getting my Halloween craving back... especially having two back to back Friday the 13th's! Tease. it always comes back about this time of year, fades out slightly in the summer and then slams into mid July. I think it's because... January is an awful month and... Halloween is a comfort zone... Like a default setting if you will. It has all I love: it's festive, it has lore,it's creative,  it can be dark, cute, sexy, or all of that!

Sleepy day... sleepy weather... I should watch the little video I recorded of that gorgeous and odd autumn day at the end of august. ... That day... pure, simple... but so deep. I need more of that. <B

Running to Ambient

I don't recommend running to ambient music, it's only irritating.

It's been about two weeks, (I cheated, I read the last date I published.) A lot of thoughts and things have just "been there".

After Christmas, new years, winter semester starting where am I?

I'm there man... I'm totally there XD

Where?... Where are you Bry?

A weird head space. Where I'm more balanced than I have been in the past and more alert of certain things. But I'm not as receptive some days.. most of these frost and drear laden days.

Rewind....

I've begun my yearly staggering a bit. I didn't immediately find my balance and I still have not polished it.. I'm closer mind you. It's hard for me to enjoy some things on some days... these days are a little bit of an imploding grenade for me (self destructive). I say, I'll take it easy on myself... That I'm tired and my focus is very little. So, I'll try and present the idea of chilling out and staying idol to myself... Should I take the bait, a strong feeling of guilt, or self disappointment ensues. It's not debilitating. But it is rather counterproductive.

I know I'm not alone in this.

I need to return to the drawing board. Literally. I'm a lister.. A person who thrives on order and plans... Also a person who gets put off fairly easily by redirecting. Think of a car going as fast as it can and then slamming on the breaks as it turned. That's what it's like.

So I've established that I can have my balance and my order... but I Have tunnel vision, when I get things in my head... they get glued all over the walls like fliers for some indie band in a bar.

I'm getting better about slowing down and turning... Maybe that's the issue... I mean I can only blame so much on the weather, or bipolar... the doc says I do everything pretty well, that I'm very healthy...

My counselors have said that they think I am ready to get out there and make stuff happen. I am,

And lastly, on this specific subject there's one thing I have to remind myself of... It's only January. Patience.

"but, but But... Now?"

"what you want and what you need can be achieved.. but you need to keep giving it time and energy."

Doubts, are a useless item... sometimes I'm aware of that... When I say this I Have a little ... mantra? I guess that's the word... Leave no room for doubt, and in my head I'm thinking about coffee.. Doubt will change you, and add unhealthy qualities.

I think I've decided (after some real thinking, talking with people online and common sense)... that making a song and tossing it out every 10 days should not be considered.. no... Not yet at least.

How i let the notion of quality over quantity slip my head I do not know. A song is done, when you feel that it is the best and it sounds just right to you in every way... if it's not? then it's back to the computer. I really met up with this thought a couple of days ago, when I was going to put up a new song... and it wasn't done... it wasn't coming together. I erased a lot of it... added a lot of new things, and almost completed changed the entire song last minute... I was far more impressed... with where it is GOING. It's not done... and I don't plan to abandon it. I feel to strongly about it having he potential I see in it to carelessly toss in mismatched pieces just for the sake of saying " look what I did".

In the future, after some growth, and experience.. Then maybe  can toss out a little bi more and say, hey... I can do this a bit faster now.

Well, I'm off to battle the nasty thing that is S.A.D.   who knows, maybe I'll go somewhere to help inspire, and or wake me up! ~_~

The clouds are your enemy

So, lock your cross hairs

Translation:....

                                ....... [ Aim high].....


I resolute to aim up. I feel that what better way to discover where we are, than to figure out where we are not.

Sounds confusing just typing it. But what I mean is I feel that by aiming for more this year, that should I not make all of it... I've still achieved a whole lot. hence the aiming for the deadlines of 4 times a month with the music. for one, that helps me to focus. there will be a lot of that this year,

[{(FOCUS)}]

a key term for 2015

For me it will be all about collecting my totems and keeping them. Sure, I've made leaps in the direction of confidence and hope that I can do whatever. I went to some parties the past couple of days and I did really well. I did not crumble under my own impressions of how I'd be seen. Nope, instead I sold myself as is. And turns out people accepted it. Well, not all but thats to be expected.

I know far well the things and the amount of focus in which i'd need to do them. I realized that my mornings, though fairly organized and what not... are still kind of loose. I have a formula but it's not all that time sensitive. But the more productive and fulfilling part of me beckons for more time... So, I'm going to start timing myself, counting in my head and or setting an external phone alarm if I must. I get distracted.. I get caught up... take fairly unnecessary detours.

Same applies to health and my back and forth efforts. After 2014 is toast my eating habits simply must return to whee they were prior to september when I said it was okay to eat certain things... before my eye malfunctioned and sent me into a malicious effort to self soothe, and before I gobbled and guzzled myself to an unsatisfactory form... I'm cool though, I know I can kill it. Unlike prior weight gains... I have been fully aware of it all... when I was eating bad things, bad times etc.. When you know and accept things is when it makes things easier. Thus, I'm not as affected by this with anger and sadness I might have been before. Not to say that I'm not a little bummed. Oh well! ;p.

But the focus on that, especially with school, will be to eat healthy, eat enough, work out, eat things that dont need refrigeration, or a microwave, and has protein etc. Tough thus far.. it's not a formula I was ready for. So I need to study that as well I suppose.

Again, I'll have to be ( I wanted to type merciless) persistent in order to achieve things for my music... to wrap up my poetry... because things of this nature seldom "just happen". I came to a weird thought yesterday, it makes sense- the direction I'm headed in. I've never really been conventional. Why would my ultimate calling be? I feel no passion for everyday dreams that most little kids look up to. When I was little I was told I could be anything... I've also seen patterns.. Been in and out of choir, love music, always talking about it, always wanted a band... and persistence. nearly everything I put down I'll pick back up at some point... even if it's just to reflect and examine it. But most things I'll try in 3's. I'll seldom remove ideas from my head completely. music,

I've reached an untapped reserve of myself that's always been a part of me. It's filled with insight... but most of all curiosity a huge motivation for most anything that I have ever done at my best. be it art of anything else. Everything is a science experiment. I'm conducting tests again. What I mean is, I'm exploring possibilities, even in social circumstances. I'm trying to see what interaction gets what reactions,... what I can get away with saying... what is tactful, and how do I do it? is it like tactical? Do I get a vest? FOCUS... Ah, yes I guess you say that in essence I am now testing my voice, my very presence in the world... and I'm making more of a blip on the radar than years prior.

Well, since it is nearly 1 in the morning and I cannot sleep right now... I'm entitled to be unfocused and leave you with the last thing rattling itself onto the screen.

The first four songs of the year will be

Ascend (30 second intro)

Gilded

Hierarchy

Midas

These are just titles, I have to let them happen organically. I want them to have a theme each month but... they will not necessarily sound interconnected.

I might not post till the new year... if not 2015 HARK! (but if I do it'll be top 10 lists those are always fun right?....RIGHT?!?!... oh crickets I missed you. <B

Old man winter

Man, I really hate to complain... but winter... I can handle it less and less every year.

Just killing time while I wait for all of my music to upload from my mp3 player to my desktop. So, that means I don't want to do too much in the way of mess with the actual computer ... and I can't listen to the music at the moment. So I'll talk to myself on here.

Hey Bry... How goes it?

I'm good... I guess ... this lack of sun thing... really messes with my mood.

I hear ya

I'm really doing all that I can to find motivation and energy where I can in these times... I try human diesel fuel (coffee) that seems to work.... seems to boost my mood... but I need at least 2 cups a day. As opposed to the usual one. I might be getting this thing called a sunrise alarm.. It's really supposed to help set you on track... as it gradually increases brightness in stead of abrupt loud noises and the like... Granted most, once they reach their full luminosity will make noise (again gradually). It works with the circadian rhythm.. I will do WHATEVER it takes to be the best me as possible... I really feel that that is what life is . Strife. Not the strife to be better than another but the strife toward self approval and accomplishment. And through those elements Happiness... a sense of wholeness that carries.

It's fairly easy for me to ignore that in the winter... I know .. but I'm doing to take happiness and motivation when I can. Be it by coffee, or...sunrise alarm etc.... mainly coffee though. gotta love the Java. My Song is due in 2 weeks... I only have one minute (out of the three I wish to have). I also want to add more to it. Very proud of my compositions.... I listen to them on my mp3 player.. and think of what I might do different.. and where the song will pick up.

I also think when I'm listening to my favorite artists how they did something... of what types of ways that I could do something similar. I'm starting to see it more as poetry... which it is in it's own right. A playground of sound rather than words. I'm on quite the hiatus with poetry. I have not written anything I've been happy with since September. Nor have I had much inspiration in the way of writing. I'm pretty one tracked. I get rather distracted and finish nothing if I don't look straight ahead.

But that's all really. Just some bowing matches with moods, thinking about music, and silently planning my attack on the coming year.

<B

Level up

2015 goals. (the first half is key)

1. Work with the radio station.
2. Self publish a book of poetry.
3. Learn to drive
4. Join a group of some sort.
5. Get certificate.
6. Figure out next chapter for life.
7. work for Halloween event.
8. get first song  used, and of published.
9. 3 songs a month.
10. Choose (make decisions and stick by them)

patch work

After my class yesterday... or during rather- either or. I talked over a very present feeling I have been tossing around in my head about the music.

I've expressed my sometimes apathetic feeling about trying... and that I repeatedly challenge those doubts with statements like:


Sure, you can't lose if you don't try... but you also can't go anyway...

So many things that music requires also apply to musicianship. It's an eye opener. Music, especially for a complete newcomer needs practice... practice takes patience, and patience is acquired through discipline. I keep getting more and more. Feeling that things are running in a a great big circle. That a lot of what I am uncovering is very relevant to each other.

Back to my talk with my instructor. He basically reaffirmed all that I just said.

I've been opening my ears to so much more music and finding things I probably would not have listened to in the past. Lately a lot of what I've been listening to is pretty mellow... or- not what I would expect I'd be listening to a year ago.

This music is great... it's giving me feelings... I can't express.. it's been years since music has evoked deep feelings... Yeah, sure, I'd have many rebel anthems, and songs of standing back up cued on my mp3 player... but not too much that made me think and made me feel a deep sincerity.

One goal I have in what ever my musical endeavors turns out be that I can reach people and do for them what my influences have done for me. I want to reach out and be involved with them.. My instructor stressed the importance of community yesterday as well.. on how it helps you to keep learning, helps them to learn, and ultimately networks you and helps you do better.

I'm very lucky I have a supportive boyfriend behind me in this. Perhaps with the coming days, I'll have made some friends that are similar in that regard. perhaps some friends with music interest in my classes.

But digging further into where I want to be... rather than further into myself ... oh... it's scary but feels..right.  I can't wait to try my hand at the radio station of my school. and see what I do. I was thinking of calling my hour Ecclectica (an hour of difference.)

The thought is to use this time as experience with the equipment, getting some music people might not know about into their ears, and being a little self-promotional. I would largely start it out by playing the music I listen to, all of the genres. I would try and play about 1 or 2 known songs for every song of mine. That way people might be more inclined to stay and investigate. As for the self promotion, I think it'd be really cool to kind of wedge some of my stuff in as filler or background when I talk (if I do). I'm constantly trying to connect people to music when I can so this might be a VERY great way of doing so.

Sounds ambitious... ^_^

I also think that it is really cool what my final project will be for my art appreciation class. I'm going to make a poem and a song... They will be related... I'm going to probably make the song first and then right a poem based off of that or vice versa. So- hopefully what should be something fun for the rest of the class. considering I only talk to one person in it  and most others will be drawing or painting.

RANDOM RANT 2: THE SHORTS OF IT.

People... especially of my age group.. I politely inquire... Why are you wearing shorts in this subarctic weather? Why are your coats gently collecting dust on the rack? I see you fine, and oblivious from the slit in my ski mask, 3 layers of jacket , and mittens... is it because warm doesn't look cute? Do you suffer for the aesthetic? Hmmmm you're probably not from here... we do live in Ann Arbor.... <B

Youth In Asia

now, say as one word. (Euthanasia)

been an interesting week... Two weeks? idk. So, holding on in vain last week... getting a couple ounces of sleep... I managed to become in severe pain... so much so that I became physically sick and was barfing... AGAIN!!! man... So, one really unscheduled trip to see the nicest eye doc ever and we removed the bandage contact... The net day I did in fact have the eye surgery... they scraped off the surface of my cornea so that it could grow back  anew. Then they put on a new contact... It's been getting progressively better... Today I am supposed to go in get it looked at... well, more so an hour from now :D. I actually like going to the doctor... maybe it's because I don't normally have to visit.

Other than that I've been kind of a recluse... only for the sake of my eye... keeping it from the light and anything that would strain it worse than it already was.

um... that's all... I set 3 more classes for myself next semester... debating a fourth which would make me a full time student at that point. I might just do that.

But for now... just trying to prepare in many ways for 2015. less than 50 days from now already.

I've got some ideas up my sleeve about strengthening discipline yadda yadda... I feel that dscipline teaches you to enjoy more... that when you finally do get something... it's far more impressive in it's own special way... that and when I m not "in focus" I have a nagging feeling that something is amiss.

I finished my first song... the first of many that I completed made from scratch... no loops and anything pre made .

Take a listen

It's called Blaspheme <B

Rusted

No, not the most uplifting title. November's color is Brown!!!

Again, another stinging eye.... whatevs.

It's Halloween... it's Halloween... The big H, Samhain, the day of ghosts... Am I over it? Did it really come to me this year?... I'm liable to say no... I don't think so. This whole month.. has come and gone, like a ghost story... sad. but... I don't know... I feel like I'm okay with it in a way. Each year... I feel a little less enamored. I feel that this year it is in part due to my eye, and the high, HIGH expectations I have . Most of my creativity is bleeding into where it should be: my arts. Perhaps I am reaching my newest stage.

I find I'm practical in many ways now. Which is good. But the little boy in me who wants the useless toy gets a little angry sometimes ;p. I'll never let that kid go.. he's really cool. I want to maintain all the me I can be. I've been hearing that time and again... not only from my counseling group.. but from my music teacher. Finding people as passionate for music as I am... well that's very very important. I've not had friends yet who are. It's gotten me through many a hard time... I'm pretty accurate naming artists when I hear them... even if I havn't heard that particular song before. For the longest time... about a decade.. I've not been being me... or I've been desperately trying. All signs point to the path I am headed in. I'm going to go this route... I'm pretty stubborn... so, sooner or later I plan on nailing what I'm going for. You see the music I am trying to make... isn't really for stage performance.. or record release. No, I hope to do it for commercial use, and (after I have seasoned and learned more about the math of it all) scoring films. It's not meant to have lyrics. I think a lot of the people that I have shown my music to in the past... friends and such. didn't know what to say..

1. There are reasons I am awrae of yes... Some people just don't like talking about it... it might just not be their cup of tea.
2. It could have been bad, I'm just starting out anyway,
3. they aren't musicians/ don't have as much of a love for it as you do
4. I didnt and they didn't know what I wanted to do with it. Some friends wondered where the lyrics were... there are none... they are visual enhancements only. 

This is something I'm not 100% certain on. But, I do not believe many people pay too much attention to the music or sounds of a movie... kind of gets lost... I can't blame people for that... we live in an overtly visual and convenient world. I always thought music in films and such were really really cool.

I went back to 1998 and downloaded the Batman Beyond soundtrack.. VERY big deal for me hearing that theme song when I was little I never heard anything like it and wanted more... alas I didn't have the tools nor the thought process in order to achieve it. I do now... It's pretty great... Again, an old friend years ago let me hear a video game soundtrack that he had much passion for and I simply blew it off. I listened to that... I've been listening to it over and over... (Quake soundtracks) I find myself critiquing sounds and music appropriateness of songs... I now I'm not a professional but I still like to try and gauge... for instance I believe that the last resident evil films soundtrack... well that was garbage compared to others.

I feel that there is a legion of cult status innovators in the world I want to enter. The artists who lend their sounds to games, film, T.V. and more. They don't follow rules very well, and a lot of them didn't necessarily have musical backgrounds. They make what sounds good to them.. and the passion with which they do it comes through. One might say.. "If it'e made at a computer that you can't feel it". I disagree. You can usually understand if the persons interest was present in the creation...

Long story short... I'm tunneling into this stuff... I'm pulling what I can into me. I'm ready to talk with other music savvy folks. I want to learn about their stories... their  processes, advice... Musicians are generally open books. Slowly I'm networking :D

I like all types of music... For me- the make or break... are the vocalists... I think that's why I've been into instrumentals.. Music alone is universal... anyone can come up with their own stories, evoke their own feelings... but most of the time... for me: it's the singer who saves or slays my interest.

There's a lot of good music in the top 40 on the radio.. but also a lack of vocabulary, and a lot of copycats. <B

progress and a origins part 2.

Oh, I can feel I'm growing better at this stuff... The music that is- for someone who has never really done anything with music. I've been in choir off and on all through out high school. I could have been a lot better had I pushed for it. Oh well I'm going for it now. But yeah... finding lots of cool people in my class a couple of seasoned guys- one in particular who has had stuff in Nissan and other car commercials. ^_^ Gotta talk to that guy. As I move along in it I get excited, confused, annoyed, enthralled, and discouraged all at the same time... different points but that's self explanatory. I've surprisingly been playing with more ambient and Violins. Odd. But yeah... I guess it's easier to bring together the different types of music if you learn or get a better understanding individually first sometimes... makes sense. I plan to carry through... I need to start being more decisive about things... indecision leads to standing still... there's a Movie that''s a perfect example called "Mr. Nobody" With Jared Leto. It is essentially all about choices and the lives we make by making them. You never know what's behind a door fully till you try it... I mean it worked for going back to school 3 months after I dropped out back in my senior year. I was very certain and goal oriented when I was younger despite all of the crappy things that were going on... I feel that maybe in their own way they fueled me to strive. I will make decisions within reason and deal with what consequences or rewards I earn as they come to me.

Right now I am taking a break from my practice to write this... I'm building my muscles to focus. I plan on using at least 70% of my day to practice. it's highly important... but... I'm not the most seasoned yet... it drains me and I have to take breaks.... I need to push though the "I don't feel like its" and the "I'll fuck things ups" They'll only stunt things - things I need to reach for. So I'm doing in taking in all I can see in do. Again I'm not where some of the people are in my class yet... professionals who have been doing this for years and are at it every waking moment... or in the case of many... every sleepless moment. Not there quite yet... But it will eventually be the case... and Ill be living off of coffee, and energy bars... I exercise religiously every day... now! If I can apply that to every thing... I'll be on my way.

[Origins before 10]

I'll try and make this brief...

Most of this time was again spent alone... uncomfortable... I stayed the course I was on all along of music and imagination.

I learned my father was not to be trusted and that I had seen inconsistencies with the actions and words of many Christians... I've never liked people with God shields. Yes believe in what you believe in but don't shed the parts that damn you and hold on to those that damn others... It's like those who point a hateful finger at gay people... have done and or... are doing something far worse in secrecy.

I found for sure that I was an outcast around 9 maybe 10... What I wore wasn't "in" who knew that shirts with dragons and other various monsters weren't trending. Whatever... there were not very many days where it wasn't pointed out that I was fat...

T.V: Sabrina the teenage witch. Boy meets world. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Crow television series

Music: Limp Bizkit, korn, Slipknot. (around ten years old... I don't remember too much.

<B