fudge it....

So, it kind of goes without saying that there will be more writing in this thing in the coming months. As I use it to... sort things out. Today, feels like yesterday in regards to a mostly frowning face. I feel spacey. I'm drinking plenty of water, as I do tend to dry out rather fast nowadays for some reason. It helps far more than coffee, which would add to the aforementioned drying out. *sigh* Lots of thoughts whirring about in my head. Mainly about my relationship, our future, my future, what I am what I'm not, who I am and am not. All very deep things that I seem to not be able to focus on for very long. What I mean is, they seem to be in a revolving door in my head, and before I get too caught up in one of the slots the next one presents itself. I guess you can throw in the thoughts about mental health, and work for good measure. I guess I'll try to sort out each here a little bit, after all this thing is my makeshift counselor on the days that I do not have an appointment.

Work, I guess I'll begin with that. I'm looking for it, I need it, I kind of want it... but I am terrified by it. Not particular doing work, but dealing with people. I have my bouts between loving people, and avoiding them altogether. Right now, as in this very moment, I have no interest for meetings. It's just that it's been awhile, 2 and half years since I've worked. I have to be strong and believe that I can and will handle it well. A job would be a great thing. It would inspire some independence and time away from the boyfriend. Which is also good. When I'm filling out apps, I am PUSHING myself to do so. There's also a toss up between thoughts of time. When can and should I work? If I tried to work overnights again, could I? I'd like it because I'd have fewer folks to deal with... but I am not so good about sleeping during the day. It kind of goes without saying that at the beginning I'll be overwhelmed a bit, mainly just in terms of maintaining the oh so valuable schedule of a bipolar person. It's the key to ones success. I think that's all I can mention on that front... NO... wait a minute. I also think that yeah... I'm getting a job... That's fine for just money,... but I wasted most of college... I don't really know what I want to do or... what I'm good at... I don't. It's taken me this long to remotely start to feel comfortable with myself... and not alienate myself to a constant. I want desperately, to be an artist... but it looks like a bleak path. I do well, with structure... but structure leads to the basic type of job.... I don't want to be a doctor or anything like that. My college experience thus far has been the same that my high school was. An amalgamation of classes I was curious in... None of them seemed particularly my thing in the end. But now I have a lot more knowledge in the end. That, I am proud of. I love to write, but...I don't want to be a teacher... I'm the type of person who can't tell if he will like something till he tries it. There have been several things I really thought I'd like that just didn't appeal. Hence the throng of classes without a stable path. I can wish all I want that I was going through this at a younger "more appropriate" point in time, but that leaves nothing changed. I can wish, my childhood life at home was stable and loving enough, that I really could care about my academia and look to the future rather than just trying to survive. I could wish that I would have had to have an allowance, to show responsibility and understand work, and then started working when I was younger. Wish, Wish, Wish. I know I'm still in my twenties, but I feel so far behind... especially living in the shadow of such  a prestigious college town. It inspires me through self hatred sometimes. We'll slide into the next topic.

Mental health... What I had said about wishes kind of ties into this... because if I would have figured out things... that I have bipolar and anxiety, sooner... I wonder where I'd be and what I'd be like right at this very moment. I have a firm assumption it'd be further along and far happier. But one can never know such a thing. I'll just say, that due to this thing I have living along side of me I feel like I'm on a treadmill a good portion of the time... I can see what I think I'd like in front of me... I'm moving alright... but I don't seem to notice when to turn off the switch, and walk out in front of the treadmill to achieve it. Hopefully that translated well from my head to text... I really don't wish to be like my parents. few ever do. The goal should be to reach new heights, and make your own empire. In some ways I feel I'm succeeding. These are thoughts I always have, but they predominantly attack when I'm at my lower ends. that's how I'm able to express them to you right now. Obviously, I'm not too down to where I am curled up in the fetal position. No. I've felt the inability to do anything too much when I had the Akathisia. And the meds and such... I need to get those correct to move on and be as function able as possible. I just told myself today while feeling this... there should be no reason to feel sad, without something happening to you. Of course there is the winter and what not... but I'm sure that's only an addition. And then we can tidy up with the last bit of discussion.

Relationships. I've always been rather push or pull. Being Bi polar entails extremes, I know this. when I was little for instance there was a time that a friend had did something I did not like and I chose not speak to him for like two months. I was about five... so that was pretty intense. I got very jealous when my friends would meet and become friends. I felt as the I was being pushed out by the very same two people I brought together. I'm on or off a lot although, I have gotten tremendously better I'd say about it. My disorder distorts how I should be feeling for sure. Sometimes I question if I've loved or been infatuated. I know I've hated... oh that I'm sure. I've felt numb errr... melancholy is a big thing I feel. Of late, I've been feeling distant with my boyfriend. Maybe I'm reading into it too much? If not I'd rather he just say what he needs to, to me. But I just keep feeling like a loner as well... there's this masochistic side of me that loves being alone... and only having acquaintances, and then there's the side that really longs for deep bonding. I'm never 100% sure which voice is me... though I often times side with the one playing for keeps. IIIIIII think that that's a good note to finish on. I'm really proud of this entry. I feel a little better having collected my thoughts like this.

<B

Forever and roughly 30 Days.

I imagine too much has not been missed ^_^



PAST:

 I guess I'll start with Turkey day. It was cool, there's been a lot of meeting with family, which is, as many out there understand both wonderful and draining. Especially because I am fairly introverted and can handle so many people for so long before I want to say so long for awhile and then recharge in secret... Of course that's not too easily understood or acceptable around kids so... Yeah. There were two thanksgivings this year, I had sushi for each of them. How I love the fishy goodness. Ummm I've been rather hermit- ish. as in I haven't much been leaving the house unless necessary... not even going on walks... which I should probably make it a point to try. Cause it's supposed to be good for ya. Oh, and yeah. I recently have come up with the brilliant scheme of going on a juice cleanse... or smoothie diet whatever you wanna call it. There's two things I've noticed... either A: I'm doing it wrong and eating everything at the end of the night... and or B: I am getting the nutrients I need without the helpful hand of satiation. Dangerous mix the two. Because the numbers say one thing and then your stomachs like Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction... angry as fudge. Any who. The Bf and I just went to his sisters on Saturday for his god son's 3rd birthday. It was far more taxing due to both sides of the family being there... because one side has many... MANY offspring. Lemme think how many I know of off the top of my head... There were at least ten mobilized units, and then a larva. Like heated molecules they went in all and every direction, with dizzying speed.

CURRENT(ly):

I have been experiencing technical difficulties so to speak. MY emotions seem to have been processed incorrectly thus, making me haywire. How so? Well, I've been feeling things that I have not in at least.. 2 years... feelings of hopelessness I always envision myself walking about the cold and ice laden streets... or alone in a vast field of ice... just wandering without direction. SAD is a very real aspect of my bipolar, but I'm working to counteract it so that's what matters. I was just added to a new medicine that should helpfully nip things in the arse. I can also tel that things are shoddy due to my voracious urges of late.. and my lethargic impulses to do nothing... want to do something... but nothing seems to have sparked interest... But food... an easy, fix... a drug to take and fall from. But I'm not one hundred percent in the minus, no. All of this stuff is more in the background of my mind than anything else. It's sadly surfacing.., but maybe it needs to ya know? Like a purge... sometimes you just need need a good emotional puke or so, to clear it from your body. Onto the future and things I looking forward to.



SOON:

Well, tomorrow is the first thing. There is a witch meeting tomorrow, and I'll hopefully see a cool cat there, and meet a few others. Day after that, I will try a writing workshop to get some constructive crits. Then Possibly after that is the Boyfriends work party. ... Parties are a bit tricky for me when I want to try and be healthy... For example the birthday party. I managed to say no to the pizza and obligatory cake and I ate only the veggies without dip... Didn't even drink... but that's mainly because they didn't have anything of interest to me. Even then I would have watered it down. But the alcohol helps me cope. Especially right now when I am in the kind of state that I am... Plus there's the fact that, most of the food is crud... so I guess it's a pick your poison situation... Because you're there for quite awhile a lot of the time, and even if you ate prior... chances are your stomach will scowl with hatred.
Then maybe Saturday, we'll see my bf's, and I's friend and maybe do the zoo light... thing. The following week is kind of recovery thus far... as there is not too much that's going on. There is rumor of a party that we're invited to... but these parties are kind of... mentioned on pretty short notice... I'm assuming it'll be that weekend. And then Christmas with both sides of the family. Should be really cute! UGH I know I was just complaining about poor eating choices.. but I really do want to have the coffee drink of the season...A.K.A. as the peppermint Mocha... and not just from anywhere... but probably S-Bux... THE ONLY reason is because their syrups are superior... The other coffee places I've had just don't do it for me! ... OOO haven't been to B-24's in a spell. Maybe I'll try them! It is rather cozy there around this time. Well, that's it for now! Hopefully I'll post more fluently... (and didn't use all of brain writing this up)

SEEYA! <B

Crumbling cookies.

MMMMM sweet diabeetus.

PAST: So I've been neglecting this like a kid cleaning his room. Tossed carelessly into his closet. But things have for the most part been pretty stable. Some static involved but not too much. So Halloween was simple but fun. I'm at the point where I have had my fill for awhile ... till about February That's just how it goes for me. Things have been on the up for the most part. I thought to myself today that... I have inadvertently been achieving all that I set out to this year. Some of which I was very hopeless about. BUT. I managed to be more social, by some twist of fate, I'm learning how to drive and some other things that I'm momentarily at a loss remembering. 

CURRENT: I am listening to the last parts of the new Celldweller album and loving them!!! I have cleaned today, and am working ... slowly, on the rest of the stuff I wanted to do today. I also figured out some of the Thanksgiving stuff today. I' m going to have SUSHI! ^_^. And now I am writing this really quick before I submit my writing to some publications, putting my writing into the computer ... which shame on me... I have to type ALL of it into the comp. Because if I don't... I'll have absolutely nothing. So I'm going to take extra steps to ensure that I keep them,... I'm going to save them to a cloud, my external hard drive and a usb card... I'll have 3 copies! AND... My first coffee shop reading tonight at 5. That's the very beginning time because...this is new to me and I want to ease myself into it, going a little bit later each time. 

FUTURE: Some stuff is on the rise... I know I'm being super descriptive... but I'm honestly listening to music and I'm into it!!! So... I think I'm going to let some of my typos fly... maybe. But Yeah the obvious holidays are coming up and I'm stoked because I have family now. I have plans to be even better than this year. Which I can foresee happening very easily. I have other readings and meet-ups planned for my writing, so I can network and get feedback, all of that good stuff. 

But that's it... it's weird but... but I feel like I'm going forward... I just don't have many words to say right now more in the mode of acting. Which is far better. 

Ta Ta!  <B

Tally Up

Well, its the Friday of a pretty good week. I feel pretty damn accomplished with it! I mean Monday I went and got my permit so I can do driver's training again. I sent in for a replacement S.S. card, went to counseling and saw some cool people. 

Neat.

Yesterday was another fun little day involving both wants and needs. I heard some overtly religious people on the bus having an oddly civil discussion about gay marriage. I could hear it through my crappy headphones prompting me to join. I did... it was interesting... The two were both religious, one a little more aggressive, the other more neutral trying to understand where the other was coming from, and then the other end of the spectrum myself. Glad I did though. Was an experience.

Next was the rough draft day of the scene for my acting class. I did surprisingly well! My teacher ate it up! And people said that the casting for both roles was a good match up. ^_^ My character is a passive aggressive guy with witty sarcasm. So, it's not too far of a stretch. I got to be an authentic version of myself in a way.

Then, finally, I went to a writing meet up where I met a handful of other writers and the like. they were all rather nice people. I overspent though admittedly. Because I was nervous... so I drank... the place was not cheap because it was one of those "hip" local bars...meh. But it was still decent stuff.

Now I have a handful of stuff I need to and want to accomplish today. This is one of them because, sure why not. I need to do the following yet.

• Get more bus tokens
• Look up laptop repair
• New Candle
• Put some of my coats up for sale
• Add up what I've spent recently
• fill out a job app
• plan a family event with My BF and his sister's little ones.
• Plan the little gathering stuff... 
• Get set up with driver's training
• Maybe get some new music bought
• Finish my Application for the bookstore
• Back up my computers files
• clean up the house some

Not necessarily in any order but these are the things. OH and writing stuff of  course! Researching, writing and such. I hope walk to Biggby and do that, because I'm inspired to do more I feel.

Wrapping this up quickly. I just need to keep up the pace. And try. And care... but not OVERLY  care. Tomorrow I plan on reading some poetry. We'll see how that goes!

Hyding

Jekyll is elsewhere.

It's been really rough for me the last couple of days....Weeks, But I'm going on... I'm trying to do what's needed and expected of myself. for myself. I am the only one that matters in this regard. I've been feeling a lack of interest with most everything... staying up late... craving things that would make me damn myself at a later time... Yeah I'll go as far to say now that I am in fact depressed... Nothing new... it's the way of things... Regular everyday people get the blues... but it usually takes a lot more for them to get them... the blues that is... and for the most part they seem to be able to patch themselves up rather quickly in comparison... I've always looked at others after the fall and saw them do so... I watched my gaping wounds saturate... and I watched the rest with needle and thread... they heal quite fast... Not fair... but the hand I've been dealt... if I spend the game wishing for a new hand all I'll do is lose right? Right... I've taught myself in the past that it can be so very easy to give into my shadow... to eat all I'll regret... to pardon my eyes from the world for as long as I can... purge my wallet for means of a short lived smile... It's like trying to kill a phantom hunger... you can't touch it but you know it's there... grabbing at your insides making you feel this ill hatred toward yourself... and the world... and how it made you into what you hate... so then you say fuck it all... nothing matters.. I'll lye here and rot... I might have those who care now... I need more... but I'm only as hopeful for that as I am finding god... I'd rather skip the egg hunt. I feel like a vampire.. and not in a fun kind of pretend way... not at all.. the kind that hide from the light... the kind that want to infect... the kind that will bite, but only enter if you invite them... Manners are all they have... bound by something unknown, that keeps them here though they'd rather not be... also feeling an emptiness that is momentarily appeased by the flush of another's life. 

"I hold the whole world accused, and I've only got myself to blame" 

Lyrics I've heard while typing this... Perfect in relation to how I'm feeling... I try to no think of the world beyond... because I don't care to see all of the people and their adventures happening before me. It reminds me of earlier said "missing components". I love this guy.. we are from different cuts of cloth however. When I'm up... he's down... and vice versa... I don't want to sit around all of the time. I'm 25 years old... I'm not the typical 25 year old mind you but I am  still young.... I want to go for walks and I want to feel alive... really much like a vampire I seek other people to sustain me... Been feeling very similar to villains... ever since I was little I always identified with the villain... I always wanted to play him when play fighting. I know I'm wasting the day away... I woke up late today... I almost didn't work out... almost just stayed in bed so, that being said... I'm doing exceedingly better than I intended to. earlier it was my intention to avoid you, to stay in the room until you left or were asleep. It's not like I've not barred myself from the world before... I'm an expert... whether it's the confines of a specific room, or an entire building... I can stay inside hide quite well... And as the title insists I can also Hyde just as well. if not better.. Brood and hate... and frown... This is who I'm trying to evade... he beats me down as hard as the world if not harder... He's the one who pushes me out of the way when he's had enough of being silenced... he's the voice that answers when I've reached that special place no one hopes to be. 

I'm looking into counseling for the eating.. for the sex... for stress, the anxiety... the constant state of confusion I drift in... people without an illness can never really understand it... it's not fairy dust... it's not our fucking imaginary friends... It's our inner demons that happen to be a bit stronger than others. I don't like talking like a 14 year old emo kid... nobody likes reading it... But I just have to spew this out... spew is a good word... like vomit... this is all trash I need to say... But it's all real... it's even more real when bring it into view... And here it is on the screen... where I can nod and agree and say... I've been there... I am there... and I will leave again... This stop is on the list of least desirable locations to live in... This is a good blood because of the bleeding... because I am draining so much raw emotion into it... I wish I had tears... but given my lack of certain feelings... I have not been able to ... for a long time... I can't recall when, I actually cried... at least 2 years ago if not 3... I need other friends... I tried to reach out and make friends with another person with similar afflictions... she's in the same state... I can't do it... though she and I are in the same pit... I'm looking for the signs of ways to get out... I'm trying to keep focused... I know... I know... that's what it takes to get out of here... stay under the weight or push back... the more you fight quicksand.. the faster you'll sink... the faster you sink... the more you'll panic and so forth. You have to calculate as much as you can... so if this is making sense... this is why I can't have that type of friend... she's at a different level in the sand and I have to focus on myself... 

Again anybody can say they understand somebody's mental troubles... but that is a lie... they can only understand the concept... it's not something you know about it's something you feel... and something I would not want anyone to have to endure... I can never ever understand when people whine about trivial things... the prom queen who didn't get the right dress... the kid who didn't get an allowance raise... I try to think of how those are irrelevant  in comparison to my problems... and then I turn my head a =round and look at how there are others who would rightfully laugh or spit on my issues... people missing senses... people who are terminally sick.. That lessens the sting if only even slightly... it helps. At least nowadays I know I'm not alone... no one ever truly is... and that helps as well.. There is without a doubt someone, somewhere on this giant rock that is feeling exactly or very close to what you are feeling. Some worse... Understand that. I used to think that I was this being... this cruel imported joke from somewhere other than this world... I had no idea there were and are people out there who love the things that I do... but I found some through the internet... albeit, I've not met any friends I can hug... no tangible people... just text, and assumed personalities. 

I felt a twinge of hope... a slight lightening in my heart. Felt good. I know I've made my mistakes... maybe more than most... that is just what it is... I have to carry the same acceptance with knowing that I also learn slower than others... .. and interesting fact about this weird emptiness and all the feelings that I am having... I can recall feeling them from years back at very specific moments.... I actually remember wanting to end myself before I was even 10... I don't know how serious it was but I do remember threatening to smash a brick into my head... I recall feeling... hollow... even then... I knew I was different back then... I still feel it... but on a positive note... I feel like I have a calling that I am ascending to.... when I am high on those moments... those are the moments that are worth living... 

Some of this entry is part forgetting to take my pill (I need to start pulling those out for myself when I get breakfast). Part of it is that I went to bed late, part is that I "ate bad" last night... Part is that I am envious of all of the friends and the plans that are being made... but a lot of it are the hormones within... I won't ask for apologies... nor will I apologize for  anything I've written. It's valid . Feelings and observations that I need to share... that I cannot share at a given moment... My other is not a therapist nor should they have to be. Although he might be the first guy to TRY and understand me and my plague... I hold my stance on no one being able to decipher it... Maybe instead of looking up memes and Huffington post you could help read up on some stuff about your other...

Again counseling is the best route... undeniably so.. I've made the calls and got some back that I'll return soon.... 

I have so much indecision on things... I want to do things... but nothing sounds good... but I desperately want something to do... this is usually where the voracious urge appeals... it's simple... it's fast... it's right there... and it feels good if only for a moment... things are really crazy maybe... even crazier when I don't give in... I hate things with what I call drug mentalities... Meaning: things that will pick you up for a bit before slamming you back down, potentially down further than the initial low. I have to see it this way to fight the urge... Might as well be withdrawing.. I am very outspoken about a handful of things... I try to turn the lens on myself a lot of the time... such as.... When I hear that people are having trouble getting off drugs... or drinking... or smoking... my initial reaction? Never start... you'll never have to stop... Everyone has their drug... Most peoples poisons are far more destructive than they are productive.. they counteract that persons actions.  Again... I can face the lens sometimes... I'm only human I can't catch everything that I happen to be doing.... But I can say that I've done that multiple times... and I'm trying to quit it... That's why I mentioned the drug mentality in the first place... It's because I can be an artist adept in the fine art of self destruction... I wrote a poem for myself about it called "Imploding Grenade". I get it... But you have to bring out the strictness and the parent within yourself and be as logical and self aware as possible to succeed in most things...

I want what a lot of people want... I want to be successful in most everything that I do... I know that some areas will slip... that's just how it is.. I'd love to speak I'd love to tell other people how well they are doing I really would... for those people who think that they are behind... or losing... I could share with them that hey.... they should keep at it... I have to follow a lot more steps than most in a day just to function on a similar level to others... and then I can take on the world with the rest... but as I just said... I have steps that I have to take before I can even start. 

But after all I've said ... there is one thing that the disorder thing can do for people... When they get those good moments in time... they cherish it ... they feel SO good from it... And I can't say for sure but probably appreciate things a little more than the average person.. I feel that once we get to a good spot (the people with disorders) that we understand... to stop moving... whether that be learning, or working on bettering yourself etc... is to basically give up! If you're not learning anything, you can't branch out... there will be a lot more barriers in life... who needs that? I have enough... That's why when people want to me that I'm brave for being gay... or bipolar... or different it doesn't do much for me... I'll repeat this again because I love saying it... You HAVE TO KEEP MOVING... if even slow... don't stop.... 

That means you too Bry Bry <B 

Old man winter

Man, I really hate to complain... but winter... I can handle it less and less every year.

Just killing time while I wait for all of my music to upload from my mp3 player to my desktop. So, that means I don't want to do too much in the way of mess with the actual computer ... and I can't listen to the music at the moment. So I'll talk to myself on here.

Hey Bry... How goes it?

I'm good... I guess ... this lack of sun thing... really messes with my mood.

I hear ya

I'm really doing all that I can to find motivation and energy where I can in these times... I try human diesel fuel (coffee) that seems to work.... seems to boost my mood... but I need at least 2 cups a day. As opposed to the usual one. I might be getting this thing called a sunrise alarm.. It's really supposed to help set you on track... as it gradually increases brightness in stead of abrupt loud noises and the like... Granted most, once they reach their full luminosity will make noise (again gradually). It works with the circadian rhythm.. I will do WHATEVER it takes to be the best me as possible... I really feel that that is what life is . Strife. Not the strife to be better than another but the strife toward self approval and accomplishment. And through those elements Happiness... a sense of wholeness that carries.

It's fairly easy for me to ignore that in the winter... I know .. but I'm doing to take happiness and motivation when I can. Be it by coffee, or...sunrise alarm etc.... mainly coffee though. gotta love the Java. My Song is due in 2 weeks... I only have one minute (out of the three I wish to have). I also want to add more to it. Very proud of my compositions.... I listen to them on my mp3 player.. and think of what I might do different.. and where the song will pick up.

I also think when I'm listening to my favorite artists how they did something... of what types of ways that I could do something similar. I'm starting to see it more as poetry... which it is in it's own right. A playground of sound rather than words. I'm on quite the hiatus with poetry. I have not written anything I've been happy with since September. Nor have I had much inspiration in the way of writing. I'm pretty one tracked. I get rather distracted and finish nothing if I don't look straight ahead.

But that's all really. Just some bowing matches with moods, thinking about music, and silently planning my attack on the coming year.

<B

Woop Dairy is!!!!

 I've been entertaining myself with that this morning. Picturing some doctor responding "Whoop dairy is!" after his patient saying that dairy is a little confusing. He's also doing the whole raising the roof thing with his hands. This has not been something I've had happen or even seen on T.V.... just from my brain.

For the overall good I'm going to limit these to writing for a half hour again.




_-2014-_

Goods:

1. I went back to vegetarianism
2. My guy and I made it our first year <3
3. went to the rock and roll hall of fame.
4. I did my first 5k
5. I went to my first nudist place.
6. I did some other things I wouldn't have normally done.. did. and happy I have.
7. went to chicago
8. Started music classes
9. Had my first small publishing and open mic night. 
10. Moved into a great place!

pains:

1. I caught a flu at the beginning of the year (I rarely get sick so I wuss out when it happens)
2. Wisdom tooth extraction
3. new piercing ;p
4. over 10 visits to the eye doctors due to a messed up eye.

I'd say the pros out weigh the cons

-[2015]-

I plan to be more proficient of course. 

1. I plan on getting rid of the little bit of excess weight I picked back up. 
2. teaching discipline in other places than food especially music.
3. trying out hosting an hour on my school's radio station.
4. Self-publishing the stuff I have and getting more involved with the poetry scene out here.
5. keeping strong organization
6. getting that drivers license that my eye has kept me from working on.
7. going to other groups, trying out going to the dungeons and dragons night at vault
8. producing stuff more frequently in the way of music- 
9. Putting up profiles on sites only for the music.
10. & others

<B

Iratus Est Oculus

(Angry eye) Google translating latin has been a mini hobby now and again :D

Not the case - thankful... very... I only have a slight blur in my eye now... just slightly. *clap* Right now I"m killing time... till I have to go and talk about my eye some more lol. then talk about possible sleep acid re-flux...

Things have been kind of passing me up a little... I can't lie... maybe it's because I havn't been hanging outside as much as I'd like to be. I mean Fall IS here! But yeah, maybe it's just because I haven't done much in the spirit of it yet. this weekend kicks that off though- quick rectification. Loving the new counselor- we are both at the understanding that I'm not inherently depressed so much as I am self-defeating (at this point in time) He'll be there to help me learn and observe my interactions with people- especially other guys... keeping a good account should help my strong suits and weaknesses. I linger around the mirror. and when I have decided I don't like the view... I shift all emotions outward and I put the assumption in my head that people are thinking the negative things that I have created... let people think for themselves.. not to say that I'm not fully aware of what people are saying or doing... I am when faced directly.. heh but- even when I talk connect with a person I have this urge to end the conversation (before I "f**k it up"). The key we have pin pointed that I always keep brushing off ... the issue I need to focus on is not second guessing everything before I do it. Telling myself it's wrong before I've begun... I also need to focus on actions... not how I think I'm being seen or how people look... because I'm very catty cheerleader like that... If I find... *sigh* that if there is someone I find unattractive around me... that I want to repel.. I look at some with superior eyes, whereas others I look at like a wraith, a disfigured being watching in the shadows.

I need to just be.... easier said than done... when I get there.. who knows who, what, or where that'll lead me.

it's time to make some static <B

At the end of an empire..

^_^ Fangirling!!!

Well, due to preordering the new Celldweller album I just got the free download of the single from it!!! It's very different, more rock oriented than the last it seems... but with a name like End of an Empire... it's not gonna sound like a dance album.

This weekend was pretty F---- awesome. Didn't do too much but it was really nice. There was a lot of food involved as many other peoples. There was alcohol... last time I drank was...  a month and a half ago. So, my drinking isn't very prevalent. Ummm, I haven't used ketchup in about a week believe it or not... barely using condiments... using the hell out of deli mustard... which it like 1/3 as bad for me as ketchup. Got some caramel apples... new cologne shaped like a skull. FINALLY got some eye liner too, so I can now do more test runs for my husky make-up. After all, October is only a month away!!! Have you seen all of the displays and  the caramel apples... I saw an open orchard... Yes, it's true... And, since I check the weather religiously it says that this is the last week that will feel like summer. I just came...

Health wise this weekend has been good. I've been pretty alive and alert I feel... It could be the sugar I was ingesting or!... I bumped my wake time to 7am... Not only does that feel more natural for me... but I feel better throughout the day. I had a couple of dizzy spells ... but I don't know why... I ate everything all day for the entire weekend... I only drink water and plenty of it so... I'm not dehydrated. Odd. Today, I get to go to the best class I have ever taken so far! This is going to be pretty great. You need a little something everyday I feel to help push you along... Or I do I at least.. I need some positive things for my day to go well. I get excited about going, I come back all excited that I'm learning more. I've made some very wise decisions this weekend. I figure I'll go for one certificate at a time! Why not?? because first off, it'd be a little less confusing and that way I could be taking classes that interlock and I could easily get one certificate out of the way by going full time every semester. I have to fight to live beyond my upbringings. The one thing that I love... is I may quit for a minute or two... but I never stop thinking... and I'm persistent. I guess that's two heh. ALSO! I think I'm going to not go for the comic idea just yet... I think I'm going to work on writing the story see where that goes, if someone will publish it, or if I have to etc. So, I don't lose all of my other ideas I decided to just work on them all sporadically, as they all are some extension of me... some projects are bound to pull more from you than others... you'll never know unless you give them all fair chance rather than... no... just working on this.... I also feel this is how a lot of writers, musicians, and other people who put stuff out rather quickly do it... Is they were in the process of working on this or that before their last work was put out for the public.... So, let try it!

WEEEHHOOOOOO!! It's time for things I'm looking forward to!

There are surprisingly a lot more this month than I would have believed! To kick things off, Tonight's episode of faceoff is going to be the competition of the judges!!! Badass!!!! Next, I start drivers training the same days that are seemingly going to sail off into the cool depths of the fall. Then Next Tuesday.. is a full moon!!! Then over the weekend more training and my boyfriend's niece's princess themed birthday party... I'm going to dress up... you know... as a prince ;p. Then... Celldweller's new album the following Tuesday. The next Tuesday is the Autumn equinox. The last Tuesday of this month is Gerard Way's solo album. I told you September is only a prelude to October. <B

ookie cookie

XD heh. Well, here it is the day just before I go back to class. I'm nervous and excited. It means quite a bit really. It means I'm inching closer to my goals, in a couple of ways, for example, driving, certificates, and possibly even friends!!!! But, With the beginning fall semester that also sounds off the all eminent autumn, whether if feels like it or not. I mean it is going to catch up really quick. First week of class, then the first marker of the season (labor day) and it's festivities. Then Cedar point hopefully.. The the fall becoming official. Orchard, Chicago for my birthday weekend hopefully, and greenfield village (maybe). I'm really excited to go and see My boyfriend's niece and nephew. Not only are they adorable.. but I feel like family. It's really nice. We are going to have a Halloween snack and art day ^_^ maybe art... Idk if I can do both.. but we'lll see how it goes! I'm probably as excited to do that as I am all of the other things... In fact I just came up with a brilliant idea if it'll work I don't know. I think could be fun to have a little bit of a run with it day. See how things progress and if all goes well Maybe they could go to greenfield :) After all it is more for the wee ones anyways. :D The gravitation is amazing.

The doc went well, she thinks that I am doing extremely well in regards to health (even though I did slip up this weekend a bit heh.) But yeah, she said the dizziness and what not was due to have a boosted metabolism from all of the protein I have been picking up. So, she recommended getting some healthy carbs in there like fruits and dark greens and whole grains if I'm going to do breads which of course is a given. So, I'll give it a try!
 As for my grogginess. She said that I am at a weird age. Apparently your mind stops it's development after physical growth. She told me that what's happening is apparently my mind is trying to stabilize more or less. So, she told me that at this age it is very hard to gauge the right amount of sleep needed to properly function. My plan of action is to play with the times a bit and see which works the best for me. Do a little bit of self research of course. My idea though, is to go to bed at the same time every night so I at least have that variable the same. Each week I will take note of waking up a half an hour later than the last.
Okay, let's say I've been waking up at 5:30, which I have been for like 3 months. I was getting progressively worse. So, this week I'm going to try 6am and rate each day on a scale of 1-3 when the week is over. I will collect my total. A total less than 7 is ineffective. A total between 7 and 14 is about the bare minimum. And 14 and up is where I want to be. I'll do this test all the way up to 8 am if I have to. Only 8 though because it's so wasteful to go beyond that.

Last part. FIGHT (mortal kombat reference)
I spoke with a side counselor about the lack of accomplishment I had been feeling which I knew had nothing to do with me being tired. and she said that what it sounds like is I'm really driven and just want to push myself harder and further than what I am ready for just yet. I gave it a metaphor like- "trying to lift a hundred pounds when 20 burns you out". Well- I was trying to practice my music stuff for a minimum of 3 hours a day... but the hours weren't divided or anything. I was trying to do marathons. My attention span would last  an hour at best before I was just sitting at the screen with a bungee cord of spittle  repelling from the side of my face. The woman (such a nice woman), she told me too that all things considered the choice that I have chosen to go with my set of friends is fairly justified. That in itself helped me greatly and now I'm not so ticked off that I have to contact them or feel that they're avoidant. So, I just have to find some new people and lay the ground  work early. All of this, has really helped me to understand one of the greatest things to discover in a while though. It means I'm caring again. Actually paying attention to the outcomes and challenging the bad ones. Challenging bad situations as well as my own bad moves. Striving toward my best. Because when I fell restless like I'm missing something or feeling angry like I could be doing better... it usually means that I am doing things and I have thoughts and ideas I'm running toward that body has not caught up to. So, in other words... I'm doing what I need to but when I look at the things I'm not satisfied with what I've done yet. As I've said poetry is very much an instant gratification. - Speaking of that I get to go to this little outdoors reading for the "Green Anthology" I'm going to have my first publish in.

Nothing more to say than I've actually accomplished everything that I wanted to this year and little more... but I still want to get more out of it. It's cliche' sure, but there is no rest for the wicked.
<B

seems so real

This is gonna be quick and clean...

Yesterday was ick, BUT today should be good :). I'm going to the doctor in just a couple of minutes to hopefully get some light shed on my circumstances... See if if I'm doing everything okay and what not. It's very important because I'm apparently very healthy physically... But the attic is pretty dusty.. so maybe she can help me, perhaps not. either way. I need to figure this stuff out.

That aside, my little bundle of joy should be on it's way. Loot crate. Ummmmm and I might get my hair cut... the deciding factor will be how it feels out when I come back.. if it's still gross then I'm gonna hide.

How rude summer! Take back august and from what the weather says a part of September? NO!

Excited and nervous about monday... and hesitant... it's supposed to be so hot and sticky!!!!! I'm interested in what the life blood of this technical writing class is though. I'm more excited about my engineering class on Tuesday though.

My curiosity can go either way. It's good that I ask questions still and seek the answers out... but sometimes it saps out time and energy. And then there's my SHORT attention span. I have many projects right now and all of them are a quarter to half way done at best. It's not like I don't know where I'm going with them... I do. It's just that I want something new and exciting that I do not have yet.... My story I know I want it as a comic. but I don't know how to do the paneling conversations for the writing . Or what I was the first issue to encompass. I know that it needs to have something that would pull you in and keep you in place so that you would want to come back to that world until it closed up. I also know that I want to have a couple ..."spin-offs" It's all very mythical. It has interlocking characters and each story would have a very distinct tone to it. I want the one I am working on to have a british dark humor to be the main feel. But also have elements of happiness, horror, love, a little bit of everything. I the next one to be complete dark humor, I want another to be highly fantasy inspired and serious. there's one also I want to do something with involving the character father time. I want that to be a self-against-self type of story fantasy humor my idea for that one thus far.

Lastly I have an Idea for a moan who plants bombs in a very specific and unsuspecting, everyday, household item. There are a rash of these bombings.... that's all I have for that.

I have many song titles and songs I want to finish. I feel that my classes will help me out with that so... not only should they be done... but done more effectively than I could now.

It's quite obvious why poetry worked out so well for me and that is largely, because of it's ability to be as short or long as I need to be- tell a story and close in one to three sittings. It is fast and powerful like a machine gun. <B

ponies and dragons and fantastical fart powder

Okay, this actually has nothing to do with any of those things but, -My brain- umm I'm sorry lol

I might have said this already, but I'm just tossing out darts in the directions of personal pursuits. (translation of Bryan talk): I'm applying myself to any interest I might have. Like voice acting- I have an interest so I'm researching and plan on giving a shot or two. I am very animated once I get rolling.

I'm willing to try most everything 3 times, and usually base off of the first two how things are gonna go, but give the last shot a chance.

I want to try to be a background extra in a movie.

I obviously want to work in some field dealing with sound, be it music, editing or events.

Writing, probably my biggest strong suit, though I'd really have to brush up on my horrible punctuation ;p

Comics... which I would love to write for. Because all of the ideas I have in the way of stories I feel are meant for animation.

What else? What else? Well I dunno I keep accruing things and I want to pokemon them (catch'em all).

But realistically I'd have to be a wizard more likely than not. But, I can at list get a lick in on each of them and really dig my spoon into the insides of 2 or three of them. And again which ever darts stick.

Now that I think about the title is does reflect the tone of the blog. Good. <B