For all of the gentle children

That sounds really bad 0.o

But it, like any other title in this thing hardly relates to the subject. What's been up? Or what's been down. I think it's fairly easy to see thus far the type of mood I'm in from this writing. I like to think I have a pretty clear tone that carries as I write. BUUUUT that's just me. So I've been doing the job hunt thingy. I've had two, count'em two interviews and both of them went well enough. I'm 50/50 that either one of them will grant me a position. One gave me the background check paperwork to fill out... so perhaps that one is a sign? And then the other was supposed to get back with me about a second interview that I have not heard anything about yet... The last communication was almost a week ago... so .... yeah.I'm patiently waiting for them, I have another interview a week from now for a receptionist position at the Aveda school, So, My method of handling this is I'm going to ride out the rest of the month working with these three places and see if anyone bites. and if so. Who? I'll say I am proud that all of the places I have gotten the interviews at, are places that I didn't "settle for". That is extremely helpful to my ego and self esteem. Every job I've had is a job I've "taken". rather than granted. Meaning that I have not had a job that I have been thankful for, other than for the fact that it provided a paycheck. This time I'm attacking the places that I have an interest in first. Which... again for me is good. I perform better the more I care about things.

Other than that, I still have my work services running in the background keeping eyes and ears out for me as well. Which is all the more helpful in finding something that would be a good match. Admittedly I threw out some good opportunities... Jobs I didn't give an honest try. Jobs I was just too scared to attempt. And most importantly jobs I wanted. I'm making it a point to tackle things this year and make bigger risks. I am growing fond of the phrase : "The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward" Unless of course what you're doing is illegal and then it'd be the bigger the punishment.... call it a wild guess.

I'm trying very hard to curtail my bad habits and fortify the good ones. For instance, I'm trying to stop eating so much... and or so many bad things and working more toward my goals. the main 3 being: Finding work, getting my driver's license and getting all of my poetry into the cloud... and then saving it on several things because I'm paranoid like that. Yesterday was perfect!

I guess I just want to go over that a little  bit. Yesterday, that is... At first I felt that I was wasting the day... and then I was at some point because I kept fighting myself about leaving... making the excuse that it's too cold... or this or that. I ended up going and was super glad that I had. I got 2.5 hours straight of typing in my poems. It's a weird little thing that I've noticed... but many times when I've been out and about I tend to do my work... or focus better. It's almost as if I'm showing off... or that I'd feel lazy if I were doing nothing in a public setting. Or it could just be that energy I'm a vampire to. I absorb the city vibes... the feeling of productivity if intoxicating even when I myself am not. I love the city feel for this reason. And I think this is why I couldn't live in the country or, at least not in this point in my life. But then it came to getting home, Famished as I was, I didn't devour everything. I knew I had only eaten 1/3 of my calories so I caught up. I didn't go over them. Good job. And then... it got late... I was bored and watching youtube which for odd reasons makes me want to eat. I ignored it by window shopping on Amazon. Which worked quite nicely actually. there were things I kept on wanting to get but they weren't good enough in my mind to justify actually buying.

Well... I think that is all for now. <B

ankle biting

I have no idea what that term is supposed to mean.

And I so very much want to put some of my pumpkin spice hot cocoa mix into some coffee... alas, as every day when I'm trying to lose poundage, it's early in the day and my will is still strong. Grrrr, I wish that last medicine wouldn't have been such a detour. Now I have to start my old medicine all over again... which may more may not even help this time. I've been feeling hopeless. But I keep moving... Somehow I keep moving even if it's a little. Ad I'm taking yet another detour if my old medicine can't even help. Blah. well, sadly... in many cases the only way to know is by trial and error. I'm rather impatient in regards to things involving myself soooo...

We're on the hunt for a new place, the Bf and I. The one place he wanted really bad, I couldn't say yes to. I felt like a monster. But it was dark... there were only windows on one side of the place, and they only really picked up the morning. Which is better than no sun but that means it's pretty dark the rest of the day. ESPECIALLY in the winter. Gross... I know for sure I'd feel like I was locked away... isolated... that's why I had to say know... If I would have lied my mental health would be in bad shape. I need windows, because even when I want to hide from the world, I still want to see it, and come to realize that I still am a part of it... no matter how much I might not want to be at that moment in time. And in fairness, There were only two places we've looked at, one of which I really enjoyed (lots of windows by a busy road and trees)  and he did not. I mean I liked it but it did need quite a lot of work... Even though it did have character.

IDK. I'm taking all I do in higher regard than most would for what I'm doing. Because honestly, I feel like doing nothing... just watching youtube and binge eating my feelings until I'm biggest loser size. But, I'm not (entirely), I'm typing in my poetry so that I can make sure that I have it safe, should anything happen to the hard copies... and so that I may also edit and publish them. I'm filling out at least one job application daily as well. Taking steps up. I want to believe it's not about how fast the steps are being taken... and I'm trying not to compare myself with the rest of the world... but I give into these things. Sometimes I'm immune. Sometimes. So surely the slow, steady, movements are better than stagnancy?

IDK, <B

Forever and roughly 30 Days.

I imagine too much has not been missed ^_^



PAST:

 I guess I'll start with Turkey day. It was cool, there's been a lot of meeting with family, which is, as many out there understand both wonderful and draining. Especially because I am fairly introverted and can handle so many people for so long before I want to say so long for awhile and then recharge in secret... Of course that's not too easily understood or acceptable around kids so... Yeah. There were two thanksgivings this year, I had sushi for each of them. How I love the fishy goodness. Ummm I've been rather hermit- ish. as in I haven't much been leaving the house unless necessary... not even going on walks... which I should probably make it a point to try. Cause it's supposed to be good for ya. Oh, and yeah. I recently have come up with the brilliant scheme of going on a juice cleanse... or smoothie diet whatever you wanna call it. There's two things I've noticed... either A: I'm doing it wrong and eating everything at the end of the night... and or B: I am getting the nutrients I need without the helpful hand of satiation. Dangerous mix the two. Because the numbers say one thing and then your stomachs like Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction... angry as fudge. Any who. The Bf and I just went to his sisters on Saturday for his god son's 3rd birthday. It was far more taxing due to both sides of the family being there... because one side has many... MANY offspring. Lemme think how many I know of off the top of my head... There were at least ten mobilized units, and then a larva. Like heated molecules they went in all and every direction, with dizzying speed.

CURRENT(ly):

I have been experiencing technical difficulties so to speak. MY emotions seem to have been processed incorrectly thus, making me haywire. How so? Well, I've been feeling things that I have not in at least.. 2 years... feelings of hopelessness I always envision myself walking about the cold and ice laden streets... or alone in a vast field of ice... just wandering without direction. SAD is a very real aspect of my bipolar, but I'm working to counteract it so that's what matters. I was just added to a new medicine that should helpfully nip things in the arse. I can also tel that things are shoddy due to my voracious urges of late.. and my lethargic impulses to do nothing... want to do something... but nothing seems to have sparked interest... But food... an easy, fix... a drug to take and fall from. But I'm not one hundred percent in the minus, no. All of this stuff is more in the background of my mind than anything else. It's sadly surfacing.., but maybe it needs to ya know? Like a purge... sometimes you just need need a good emotional puke or so, to clear it from your body. Onto the future and things I looking forward to.



SOON:

Well, tomorrow is the first thing. There is a witch meeting tomorrow, and I'll hopefully see a cool cat there, and meet a few others. Day after that, I will try a writing workshop to get some constructive crits. Then Possibly after that is the Boyfriends work party. ... Parties are a bit tricky for me when I want to try and be healthy... For example the birthday party. I managed to say no to the pizza and obligatory cake and I ate only the veggies without dip... Didn't even drink... but that's mainly because they didn't have anything of interest to me. Even then I would have watered it down. But the alcohol helps me cope. Especially right now when I am in the kind of state that I am... Plus there's the fact that, most of the food is crud... so I guess it's a pick your poison situation... Because you're there for quite awhile a lot of the time, and even if you ate prior... chances are your stomach will scowl with hatred.
Then maybe Saturday, we'll see my bf's, and I's friend and maybe do the zoo light... thing. The following week is kind of recovery thus far... as there is not too much that's going on. There is rumor of a party that we're invited to... but these parties are kind of... mentioned on pretty short notice... I'm assuming it'll be that weekend. And then Christmas with both sides of the family. Should be really cute! UGH I know I was just complaining about poor eating choices.. but I really do want to have the coffee drink of the season...A.K.A. as the peppermint Mocha... and not just from anywhere... but probably S-Bux... THE ONLY reason is because their syrups are superior... The other coffee places I've had just don't do it for me! ... OOO haven't been to B-24's in a spell. Maybe I'll try them! It is rather cozy there around this time. Well, that's it for now! Hopefully I'll post more fluently... (and didn't use all of brain writing this up)

SEEYA! <B

Crumbling cookies.

MMMMM sweet diabeetus.

PAST: So I've been neglecting this like a kid cleaning his room. Tossed carelessly into his closet. But things have for the most part been pretty stable. Some static involved but not too much. So Halloween was simple but fun. I'm at the point where I have had my fill for awhile ... till about February That's just how it goes for me. Things have been on the up for the most part. I thought to myself today that... I have inadvertently been achieving all that I set out to this year. Some of which I was very hopeless about. BUT. I managed to be more social, by some twist of fate, I'm learning how to drive and some other things that I'm momentarily at a loss remembering. 

CURRENT: I am listening to the last parts of the new Celldweller album and loving them!!! I have cleaned today, and am working ... slowly, on the rest of the stuff I wanted to do today. I also figured out some of the Thanksgiving stuff today. I' m going to have SUSHI! ^_^. And now I am writing this really quick before I submit my writing to some publications, putting my writing into the computer ... which shame on me... I have to type ALL of it into the comp. Because if I don't... I'll have absolutely nothing. So I'm going to take extra steps to ensure that I keep them,... I'm going to save them to a cloud, my external hard drive and a usb card... I'll have 3 copies! AND... My first coffee shop reading tonight at 5. That's the very beginning time because...this is new to me and I want to ease myself into it, going a little bit later each time. 

FUTURE: Some stuff is on the rise... I know I'm being super descriptive... but I'm honestly listening to music and I'm into it!!! So... I think I'm going to let some of my typos fly... maybe. But Yeah the obvious holidays are coming up and I'm stoked because I have family now. I have plans to be even better than this year. Which I can foresee happening very easily. I have other readings and meet-ups planned for my writing, so I can network and get feedback, all of that good stuff. 

But that's it... it's weird but... but I feel like I'm going forward... I just don't have many words to say right now more in the mode of acting. Which is far better. 

Ta Ta!  <B

FULL MOONS I"M A SLACKER!!!

blahahahahahha

WOW! I actually looked back at the last time that I have posted an entry! 8 days? Crazy!

Anyways though. I think I've not been reporting in because I have felt sick and or haven't felt there was not enough for me to say. I DUNNO! But let's get intro this!



PAST:

 Okay, so what's been up Bry Bry? Ah, nothing much. Being too hard on myself.. Not sleeping that well, trying a new med that made me sick. ummm okay... anything good though? Well, yeah I've kept up almost 3 whole weeks of being dairy free! Good job. Yes, good indeed. I've been feeling really sluggish and stuff. That kinda sucks... but I'm working on seeing a neurologist hopefully next month. Hopefully it's sleep related, because I do not know what else could be the cause. What Else... What else! OOO! Probably my favorite thing! On Sat or Sun, the bf and I rearranged some stuff. It has made the flow of everything so amazing! There were a couple of reasons for said rearranging of the house/ rooms. But the main one was that, I love being in solitude in the morning... I'm not that social of a being to begin with, but that morning isolation is much needed to carry on and collect thoughts and stuff. Because when I invest in something... I become enamored... BUT it's not to the point where everything else is filtered out... In these moments I need to be alone... Other presences distract me. .... except for sometimes when I'm in public, and the anxiety actually helps me to focus and pull my head out of the world that surrounds me... What can I say other than I am what I am and I do what I do. I can only work with my cards and try to play them in the best ways possible.

ANYWAYS... Focus Bry. Okay we got this. But what we did is we put the treadmill in the guest room which was one the "guest room/ office room". We moved the stereo in there, (which knowing me, I'll follow my stereo, it's how I work out... it's how I've worked out since the dawn of my exercising. Sooo I am back into my own domain, and I don't feel like my morning space is being invaded, and my bf doesn't feel like he's being invasive. In addition to that awesome move... We also moved my little work space into the room! So now I have my own little space, and we can separate if needed. I love it... Now I have sunlight right behind me.... I can control the amount of light coming in through the room, (the curtains in the other room were fixed, light could get through, but the only way to get the most light was to raise them up. and I was off to the corner which felt awkward like my inner child had done something wrong. Back to the perks of the new room.

I can burn my candles in it safely, My stereo is right next to my desk, So if I want some better sound I could hook my comp up to my stereo. Everything has great flow here.

And then there is the empty space... now in the dining room. ;(... but NOT TO WORRY!. The bf also get's a sweet deal! he got to buy the dining room table he has been eyeing for the whole 8 months of this year. It's a nice honey colored corner table booth thing... Like the kind you would find in the corner of a restaurant. And now that I won't be all naked and stuff in the living room, we can keep the side window open! Let some awesome sunlight in all the time and letting the nice view in. That's great because that's one of the features of the place that had made me fall in love with it! SOOO that's what has happened! So little but yet so much!



PRESENT:

 Today is in the air... No not because it is one of the freestyle days. But because had been feeling for awhile that I was trying too hard to force a schedule upon myself and... MAKE myself do things... When you try and make yourself to do things in art... at least for me... it turns out gross and I hate it and it just doesn't feel right it really strips the magic from the project. I mean don't get me wrong there needs to be guidelines to some degree. Like the amount of hours of each you'd like to get done. But doing marathons are... gross and discouraging. At least for me they are... I need to do what pops into my head when it pops into it! Just a thing.. Always been that way... when I force it I draw a blank and I'm over it. And I am sad because of that... and this nasty cycle of resentment. So.. yeah basic guidelines will help... and there's also some other good things... with things that I would like to time... I SHOULD literally time them. With the timer/ alarm on my phone... Put my phone down and try to give myself fully to whatever it is that I need to or want to be doing. Which, again is a personal thing that helps me ... kind of relieves me... Takes the weight from the things just a little bit kind of locking me in to a time frame... that's not too long not supers short. And then sometimes, I'll go the half hour route. That mean's I'll do something for half an hour, if I'm not feeling it right then and there, then I'll come back later. BUT if I am enjoying it and I I'm in the zone so to speak... I'll just keep it up. So, yeah... it is usually around these times that the lightening up is surprisingly helpful... it helps me to be more positive and more proactive... because I'm not being one of those overbearing parents to myself... You know the one... the one that wants their kid to be perfect and pushes them to the breaking point all of the time... And then when I don't adhere to that inner voice it batters me.

Simply stated I usually over stress to the point of stagnancy...

THIS JUST IN!!! I almost died... or really fucked myself up! Why? The table came! I try to tumble it up the stairs by myself to surprise the boyfriend... Alas I could not... I got stuck... I also slid back... and it would have crushed me for sure!... By some fate...I called for him... and he heard me from his nap... and help me get it back down the stairs at least. WHOO!! excitement... endorphins! Blood pumping action!



FUTURE: 

August is full of necessary evils and somethings that put the FUN back in FUNCTIONS!! ... yeah that wasn't good lol. But the nearest thing is probably the full moon on friday... The second full moon this month. Which I hear is extremely rare... So it should be more special... I should really try and go out that night and visit it.
Then there's the baseball game I have mentioned. that should be unique. I'm most exciting about the cracker jacks... but I really do care if I come back... that'd be scary... am I the only one who thinks that it's horrifying that you usually hear kids singing that song by the way? I'm sure John Walsh hates that song.
Then a wedding... I'm not particularly thrilled.. I don't know the people... I've met them but hardly talked to them and stuff... It's the sister in law of my Bf's sister. Ummm free food and booze though, should I (probably) choose to indulge in that.
Then watching the dogs again.. earlier blogs say that.
I gotta get school books.. and go to a thing for the job rehabilitation thing that I finally signed up for. Andddd, last but not least Go back to school.
And again... I don't mind August... Especially if it's got things to look forward to to help the month pass... It's like fiber for a month that is constipated. But again... Halloween stuff is on the rise... August this the beginning... muahahaha.

One last thing... there is the possibility of going to Chicago on my B-Day weekend.... THAT"S AWESOME. Fall, awesome....October, awesome...Birthday, awesome... Chicago awesome... All together plus right around Halloween?!? This might rival my best birthday to date! (my 17th). But As with everything I shall go in with compressed expectations... as much as I can for going to Chicago around my B-day. Worst case scenario we can't go. Oh well. the back up of Halloweekends is still awesome! And now that I'm getting better at trying to make my B-day this grandiose thing... I can take what I get... I mean I already have it in the best season, the best month, and 13 days before the best Holiday

... Nuff said

<B

Pip squeek motherfucker

If you wouldn't say it up close, don't say it you moron.

PAST:

 Well, since I already tackled the camping trip what news is to be had? Not much...actually a whole lot of nothing really. Too much of it. I've been doing well enough, eating what and when I can. For some odd reason I have not received my food stamps for the month. So I am forced into a world of milk beans, and tuna... The essentials. The only things that I can say about it are sure it sucks, but it's doing some good, it's helping me eat less crap- even if involuntarily. It's also forcing me to be a little bit more creative with my food. So that's not all bad. Couple days ago when I felt down and out... and tired as fuck I looked up ways to build energy and I constructed a list to do so. It was going to be of 100 things, but I only got around to 50 seeing as a lot of the sites had very similar answers : exercise, water, sleep, eat well, and go outside for a little bit as well as breaking things up into chunks. Maybe THAT'S how I felt like I got a lot more done last year... because I didn't overtly dwell on one aspect at a time but I rotated from one thing to the next between an hour and an hour and a half. Good stuff right?

Yesterday was fabulous for all the right reasons. It was one of those days that I deemed to be a lax day. But what I mean by that is it is really giving into whatever I want to do in whatever order with the exception of exercise because I have to do that first thing in the morning. the YES in yesterday was apparent. I allowed myself to do things in my own time, and only did but 30 minutes of each thing. If I felt that that was enough I moved right along. but if I became enamored with something. Why stop it? Sooo First off I started maybe even finished a bay side project. It was but a drawing of whatever I thought of drawn in white ink on black poster board. It was very random, I drew with what I felt from the music I was listening to at the time which, was the mortal kombat 2 video game soundtrack. It was weird to say the least as 99.9% of my art is... But the thing is is I just let it flow and it was organic... that was from me. I was not forcing much of anything. But I put that down after 30 minutes. I may pick it up the next lax day (Sunday) and add more... Or flip it onto the other side. Generally in the back of my mind I know then something is done. I feel that it actually is but when I go back to it I might have completely new additives to contribute. Next I packed up and did something that was very different and exciting. I walked out into the beautiful early autumn type weather and hit bigby coffee.. Oddly enough not black diesel... I'm not sure but I think I like where bigby is more... It has more of a scenic vibe to it overlooking one of my favorite parks and original filming location for a video that's very dear to me. I should definitely take that into account when I count my achievements in life. It may be all weird and janky and and stuff. But it IS MINE! I very nearly single-handedly came up and did everything. Which is great in regards to having 3 other people on my team (the smallest team in the class already) and two did not really care it seemed and the other one did, but she lived far away and had a lot of job stuff. But anyways, I remember it, working through a literal storm, utilizing the only time that I had in the computer room to make this as best as I could...  Anyways, off subject. Sentimental attraction to the location. I actually brought my laptop with me. THAT itself is pretty unique. I sat down, and I got to work on a song from scratch, and I worked with it until my battery died about 2 - 2 1/2 hours later. I was amazed at how time went by and how focused I was for having people be around. Awesome though. I walked on home, and I took maybe 2 hours to myself... Not sure what? That eludes me. But then I took a shower and thought to myself I wanted a little bit more. What was that little bit more? The anthology... I really thought about it and I don't need it to be in alphabetical order at all. All I really needed to do was to make it so that the pages did not have incomplete poems on them... So more or less I just entered everything down. Then I asked the boyfriend if he could print it because I want a physical copy of the rough ROUGH draft. To change words and or punctuation revise it. But beyond me I want 3 others to review it. And then I will be on the hunt of someone to publish through. Or, self publish through whatever. The plan is to have it published by at latest Halloween. I want it digital, I want maybe 30 copies paperback, and one hardcover for myself because I love Hardcover but it's expensive. Maybe some places will sell it? Who knows. All I know is that I will be passing it along.

Wow, I guess I am giving the extended answer for everything.

CURRENT:

Well Right now I have already watched on of my music tutorials. which I found someone who teaches in an informative but casual tone. PERFECT! And then I am finishing up this rather lengthy blog, will drinking some nasty vanilla protein powder, milk, coffees, cinnamon concoction... The only thing making it a cup of yuck is the powder... the chocolate is better for some reason. Then... I will do job hunting on the basic sites, which usually takes about half an hour or less because of the overly high or low standards for jobs. Nothing Halloween or fall related YET! But I assume soon as it it is almost 100 days away... which in retail is when things start to appear for the following season. And then a walk, and some well needed cleaning, and more music, and then figuring out what to put on the red poster board to wrap up the day.


FUTURE:

Well, all of the closest things are next week which gives excitement for that week. First of the Witches thing! YAYYY. I doubt it but perhaps we'll have another fall type day. Then the following day the madness ensues when the art fair wakes up and fills the streets with tourists and hippies and yapping children. It's fun sometimes. But usually a giant mass of sweaty writhing skin moving at a crawling pace. I have to go ad report to my psychiatrist to let her know how the new medicine dosage is treating me on the second day of the fair.... which just so happens to be right downtown as well. Safe to say that I would not only want to walk to it, but I'd probably get to it faster walking... as the traffic is the main annoyance for most of the people who have lived here for years. and last... but my favorite bit of news. NEW CELLDWELLER MUSIC! Yes that's always a good time for me. So that means beginning Sunday I will be listening to his albums in order until the new one arrives. And then this month is pretty much washed up... I don't really ever recall my July's being eventful. I think for most people it is their favorite and their busiest and the just have everything to do. And my "july" is October. Which still needs a bit of preparation. Need to talk to the bf about that. We've got slightly more than 3 months to prepare, and three months is the bare minimum for planning things.

Okay, Goodbye!

 ^_^

 <B

Flames and fairies

Okay! I don't know how long it has been since I last posted but anyways!

PAST: this last week was admittedly kind of a lazy one I think. But a cool one nonetheless. Especially the finale of it! Sooo we went camping and all was pretty awesome! We got there and we set up, and made a fire, and I drank... I broke like all of the rules I had set in place for myself EXCEPT I did not have like any smores or candy! I could have gotten some taffy, (like the old man I am) but no! We went downtown and saw a couple of cute places, other than that it was kind of boring there. Our campsite was a rustic one, well, as rustic as you can get in a gay campground with quite a few other surrounding campers. Most of them were nice, a lot passed us by, but they probably weren't worth talking to in my opinion for doing that. Even some that I said hi to "loud enough to be heard even) just walked on by. Oh well lol. That made the times we talked to some other people just that much better! At one point I drew the attention, of a group of guys... they thought I was at a state of  easiness due to my level of ... or lack of sobriety. Surprise guys, I have a really good handle on myself when drunk, the ONLY way there'ed be any other wise would be if I was blacked- or passed out. Flattering but awkward. Our first truly friendly and wonderful people that we met was a trio comprised of 2 lesbians and a gay guy... I am horrible with names but they were super, SUPER awesome people. They were very welcoming, and I felt like we were a part of their group even. I had quite a bit in common with the most outgoing too! Surprisingly. Just yeah. But that first night though... the party went on for many of the boys late into the early hours of 4:30 AM.... needless to say I couldn't sleep... I was anxious of sleeping outside, there was very loud partying, the bf was sawing logs. It should also be noted that I did actually get more "messed up" than anticipated. I was fine... stumbly but fine by the end of the night... I felt a little groggy in the morning sure, but that was an expectation to be had after everything... After all my poison of choice was 91.1 proof cinnamon flavored whisky. I favor whisky more than vodka. But yeah, I thought I'd shake it off, but the combination of it all, plus the added sinus pressure and dehydration that I usually wake up with really let me have it about an hour into the day. We went to big boy, and we left big boy immediately. I was sick. So when returned to base, I ate my pancakes, and eggs, and napped for about 45 minutes or an hour and I was just fine! Surprisingly, the 4th of July was more tame than the prior night. But before the night had concluded we met up with the earlier mention trio and played one of all of our favorite games, cards against humanity. We then saw our "neighbor" that's what this one guy called us when we were there! he was super friendly and not as catty as I assumed he might be at first. But he was hilarious and had this air about him that could probably comfort, or adjust to most anyone. It was really cool, there were some truly good people there! Whereas I'm not so sure if we would have gone to the more hyper younger place the dunes... where there would be so much estrogen it,d be like spending the night in a sorority house...  gross. But anyways not only did he earlier trade some of my whisky for some of  his tequila ( I swear Latin gay guys are just crazy). He later popped up and said he was going to swim... Now the pool was cool with naked after 11pm. I wanted to go in the pool but my confidence was lower than usual due to the influx of gay guys there. But he said he'd go with me!. He wasn't a creep about it, nor did he lead me there and just leave me on my own. even got the boyfriend to come in. a great night. Still recovering in certain ways... but yeah, I feel that that night I got the most out of it!

CURRENT: I am patching myself back up food wise and schedule wise, focus wise, etc.  about to eat a snack, work on sound for 3 hours, take a break to clean and look at whatever, and then get on the computer for 3 hours and go to all of the secret shopper things and care of business.

FUTURE: sometime soon the new invader Zim comic will be released! and then next weekend I get to go to the pagan witches thingy and learn about their culture and hopefully find some people of like mind. The little that I've read and seen .. I size up with some of the beliefs. I do believe that there is a force... not necessarily a god, or gods for that matter. I like to believe in the idea of it being mother nature sometimes. I feel connected to the earth sometimes. That's the only way I can describe it to those who have never felt it. But maybe it's the coffee who knows.... But there are occasions... mainly in the fall that I get this air that penetrates every part of me and feel more alive than I do most of the year. anyways... I hope it goes well!

<B

aqua marine tangerine magenta!

It's been a while so let's add some color to the scene.

PAST: Over and over, there's again not too too much going on. Just the same ol' same. But the Race at turtle was awesome! with the exception of two things. It was raining and windy, and I didn't want to stay because of that. I mean what's the point really of staying at the nudist resort if you can't go outside legally. So I went home. But while I was there I gave it my all! I ran against 66 others finishing the 5k at 21 minutes! This landed me in 2nd place for my age division, and 6th place overall! awesome. Same night I ate, a whole thing of ice cream... and then a pint of another... sheeesh... I'm like a shark... once I get sugar in my hands it's like a feeding frenzy.

CURRENTLY: I am chilling out... chilling being a very literal word. as it's super cold in here! I might open things up a bit. But okay, today is my change day / clean day.../ arrange and organize things day... My experience is that this is usually split up into 2 days... one where I clean and organize and then where I handle all the rest! So maybe starting this o the second to last of the month is best then. I have recently begun my quest to stop the use of sauces. Or, at least when at home. I've almost been a month free of ketchup not even the tiniest drop. There's a whole untouched 4 lb bottle of it in the fridge too. I came to the conclusion that it was allowing me to overeat, because I was mainly in it for whatever sauce I was eating at the time. It will help me to get a little bit more creative with spices and stuff now. Just by cutting out sauce I am reducing a lot of calories, and sugars and of course SODIUM. Doing this will also help me to feel better about the times that I digress from the path of healthiness. Not erase guilt completely but ease it nonetheless.

FUTURE: in the immediate future A.K.A. this week, We're doing the camping thing! Actually really excited. I've already kind of figured out how to eat and what not. I'm always stressing this. It's very important for bipolar people to have control and feel that they have said control and keep it. Or... ugliness seeps out. But yeah, I'm not going to drink or have the obligatory smores. Though I may want to do both, I will be doing guilty pleasures I don't normally take part in anyways...can't over do it. Like instead of drinking I might get some redbulls and or monsters. They do about the same thing, give you this high make ya act all crazy etc. Check out the town etc, and maybe see my uncle and his partner there. We also bought a couple of our own fireworks. This fourth of July might just be the very best I've had. Time will tell!

Gotta get back to the other tasks now.! <B

Rhinoceros Pudding

Trust me, you don't want any... >_>

It's been a minute since I have (successfully) done any sort of posting. I have tried to have videos a couple of days in a row now and have had to abandon them because youtube has been taking FOREVER to upload them. No, matter here's what's been going down.


PAST: I do not know where I left off really in terms of things so, I'll start off with the last staple if you will. I saw mom for her birthday. It was a good time, got her out of the house and to see a lot of things downtown and the movie spy with Melissa McCarthy. Which had dick in it... like front and center stuff... awkward.... But yeah. The second cake turned out way better than I had thought, especially in regard to the added candy melt coating under the frosting... LOVED IT. But I think I was more fond of it than mom or the boyfriend and thus I ate nearly 6/8 of it. *shrugs* trying to be better about things now.

I've not had a drop of ketchup in about 2 weeks I'm proud to say... But I've been eating spaghetti sauce. One vice for another I suppose. Because in the last 11 days I've eaten 10.5 lbs of sauce... heh ^_^*.... but I plan to try and stop sauces sooner or later as they add so much more to what I've eaten for the day... especially in the way that I drown my food in condiment of choice.

Started counseling, that's pretty neato. I like the counselor I think we're a good team thus far... I don't feel hated surprisingly. The place I'm going to for this is actually kind of religious I found out later... Hehe I just had to auto correct religious... that's how much I type that word... But yeah it's working out great so far.

Lastly, I just got back from seeing the psychiatrist today, and we think that some changes in meds might be in order due to fluctuations and such. She basically told me that that my current medication is acting as a bumper to keep me balanced between manic and depressed... and while I've still been getting both of these, she said that if I was to not be taking anything that the highs and lows would be even higher and even lower... NOPE! So the plan is to up the dosage from 200 mg to 300 mg for 2 weeks and see what that looks like. We might even need to add on a little extra.

CURRENTLY: I'm sitting at my desk uncomfortably shifting back and forth to not feel like my gut is jutting out. Of course I am also typing this. Thinking about all of the awesome walking I have been doing lately... It's not really doing anything... but it somehow gives me  a sense of accomplishment. I got home... I cleaned the kitchen... I watered the plant... Doing this... Want to check out my little alter boy... HEY PERV it's not as it sounds, it's a Vocoder (voice modulating plugin) ' for Fl Studio... do a little prodding around for potential work, and look into the secret shopping biz with my BF sometime this weekend hopefully. I might not get to all of the rest of the stuff today but we'll see. I'm glad that I am in just such a productive and happy mood.  ANNNDDDD 808 (a type of 80's drum machine) roll! THE NEW CELLDWELLER CHAPTER 4 :"DEATH" is coming out on the 17th of next month! yes, the conclusion but not the end of the album.

FUTURE!!!: This weekend is one of the biggest staples of the summer for me... Actually even the year!

• THE TURTLE RACE 6/27/15
• FULL MOON 07/01/15
• CAMPING! 07/03 - 07/05
• INVADER ZIM COMIC 07/08/15

I've got a couple further out but I'll save them for a little later.

Yes, just a brief word on camping. Never have. Should be interesting. I get a hatchet... bear with me I'll have adult supervision. I'm also excited about burnt food, and exploding things (Fourth Of July)... It's gonna be at a very gay area... I'm sure I'll be hearing the obligatory "Firework" by Katy Perry ... That'll probably be the worst part of it. :D

<B

a thousand times yes

PAST: This weekend The BF and I went to downtown Plymouth to see what was out there! It was really cool! Really busy and alive... didn't seem like Michigan at all really. I tried some candy I never had, and went to a blossoming young comic shop called Blaze-Thru comics, the owner was pretty awesome!

CURRENTLY: Still watching the dogs witch has been pretty good! the best time so far I think. I've still not started the day fully. I've been looking up new music (Blanck Mass) and looking into what exactly Hedonism, paganism, and Wiccan are. I actually Identify with all of the above. It's really cool.

FUTURE: Upon looking up this stuff I found an event I've been curious about for a few months happening tomorrow for witches. A sign? Maybe :). Then a possible wedding thing this weekend, nd then mom's b-day the following, and then the race the weekend after that... It's weird that June has been the busiest month .

FEELING: in between slackerish, and excited from all of the new information I've picked up. I feel like it's kind of late in the day, but I feel better rested I think. I feel pretty awake, And like I have to.... pee... DEATH TO THE UTI!

RANDOM THOUGHT: Kinda, Did you know what Hedonism actually is? It basically means what I have been saying all along about how I believe that life is about seeking out the most pleasure usually by the five senses, and as long as it is not harming anyone else. I've always felt this. So it holds happiness in the highest of regards essentially. Good stuff>

WORK: None to be found still... the leads grow smaller , my searches are quicker... I don't want to settle but I also do not want to fail at my next job... I have to call my caseworker. and see if the job rehab thing will be a good thing to do. I don't know if I need her but assume it's referral based.

SOUNDS: I've been working a lot more. once a day, not as much as I should but that is already better than what I have been doing the last few weeks. I'm learning to be fairly repetitive in songs... Most people like that... I'm also working on learning how to make things blend better and not pop out awkwardly. Learning to compress and equalize can be tedious but it's a (sometimes fun and) necessary evil.

HEALTH: I've been fluctuating in the mood department... as most are aware it's related to my self image. If the image is unsatisfactory, I'm not the funnest. And I've been eating icky things lol. Out of boredom... and to kill time. BUT I have started to write list and and things of that nature... Maybe that can be a cool strategy to help keep me centered everyday. Write a list, about whatever... I find great pleasure in lists and statistics!.

CONFUSED ABOUT: Why I let myself slip up Health wise, when I've been doing my best? It's happened like that a couple times going in circles... Last year I was upwards up till about May, in regards to emotion. In regards to getting things done and HEalthwise, I'd say I starting sliding about... July or August. I don't know, *Shrugs*

Everything in a nutshell with a bag of chips... that was lame for you to read probably as it was for me to type lol. But in the very least if your rolled your eyes... well.. I made you feel something. Have a splendiferous day!   <B

signals from somewhere

heh, not a bad title kinda cool in fact.

Tooooday, I gotta ask myself how I feel. I feel interesting. a weird mix of HEY GET BACK ON THAT HORSE! and a mix of... but the floor is so comfortable... I don't know if that makes sense

The best way I can describe, is those moments when you know you need or want to do something but you either excuse it... or it's simply easier to "let's not and say we did".

Weird All Was phenomenal by the way! he dressed up for every song and made his songs come to life. He was like a real life cartoon character... He even wore the fat suit from "Fat". That was probably my favorite , wasn't expecting that at all... but little was to be expected rather than the over the top antics you'd expect. The end, was a small encore performance of his star wars songs... Accompanied with storm troopers, chewbacca, and darth vader. EPIC!

This week will mainly entail calling back hot topic, and my caseworker to see about work rehabilitation, and looking for needed counseling. Then, at the end of it is kind of another mini vacation. Which is staying at the boyfriends' sister's house to watch the dogs. I enjoy it pretty well.. I am ready to leave by the end of the 3 or four day stretch though. They live in the country which is only fun for so long.

I get back just in time to see the eye doctor! hahaha there's a pun in there and it couldn't be helped! then... pretty much a week without anything. then mom turns sixty... I have a med review with my doc, and then it's the nude 5k. June is going to fly... good and bad I suppose.

Nothing really planned for July as of yet. Not really much of anything planned until the fall. Which is usually the case I've found... a subconscious choice, or a coincidence I am not sure.

Thus far my plan to break the day up into smaller parts is a success. I've been coming up with three goals to carry out, and then I can feel good about having done those... Then 3 more, and then 3 more. I try to write out at least 9 a day and handle them in threes. I also will try and work on the goals for three hours at a time and then take an hour off... and then get back on it. That's a good balance I feel. Actually this is the first goal of the second set of goals for the day, the next being job hunting and looking for counselors  as earlier mentioned.

What else... what else... what else...

I'm not sure I got the video up of how my little office is shaping up but I like it! I'm sincerely a fan of it. I've got a lot of my greatest inspirations and cool things gathering around me... makes me actually want to carry things out a bit more. I think that's why I was actually glued to the dining room area for the longest time, was because it was my "office" and it has a lot of cool things that I adore like my phoenix statue and my candles. and my stereo, things I have hovered around and or sat stationed next to a lot of my life. So, it only makes sense to bring some of this energy to the place where I should be spending more time... Here at this desk, talking to myself out loud for those who want to listen to hear...er- read :p

<B

you're a Neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie

IIIII did not happen to get to post my vid yesterday... but it went something along the lines of things getting slightly more productive, if even just a little bit.

How you ask?

 Well I'm slowly picking myself back up out the rut that was falling in... am I out yet.. I'm not sure I completely am. But I'm getting there. I'm not vidding it up today because it's one of those peaceful days that I would rather not disturb. Plus... there is a worker across the parking lot I'm afraid that might magically hear me. and I feel more like typing than anything today in regards to blogging.

Yesterday was pretty good to me. I got to sit down with my caseworker and talk about the income situation and it really helped release some of the tension... She directed my attention to some outlets for other counseling: some websites where I can find people that meet my needs out here. So I wrote down a handful of names and groups I'll have to further investigate. She also showed me this work rehabilitation agency, that can help you find strengths, weaknesses, and what works best for you and your "disability"! That is awesome! That's kind of what I am doing now... but everyone can use a hand every once in awhile... and some people need more than others... that's just fine as long as it's to aid you and not fully hold you up.

Today I called my doc and set up an appointment for friday at ten.... my bladder... yadda yadda... there's something that I feel is iffy... the last time I waited on something that I was worried about.... oh man I was SORRY! .... pffft and I wasted a Halloween too!.... This year I'll be back in black.. orange and black.

So that means tomorrow is my dental cleaning, and then the docs... and then maybe the interview for my bridge card. I want to do this temporarily until I find work where I will excel... I'm fairly certain I've said this over and over again that this next job... it will be something that I actually care about... I mean I cared about having money before... but I did not enjoy what I was selling... nor did I enjoy the types of customers the stores attracted. I know what I want a bit better this time and I'm going to set myself up for success.  For example... today I had an interview that I didn't do... because I felt like I'd be settling for something that I would hate and something that anyone with interest in having "work" could get... They were DESPERATE! I mean this guy seemed like he didn't even want to interview when I talked to him and just hire! ... Because actually he even said... " you could start today or tomorrow!".... wow... red flag.... That would strip the self respect I am trying very hard to build for myself: call me stubborn but I don't wanna let that slip!

Today has been pretty good just getting everything in order... and finally today is warm enough... but not too warm to leave the house! a rarity in these parts. OH! and  two more quick mentions... I've decided that it is best for me to try and do three things at a time... I know I'm constantly constructing new ways and schedules with which to work... BUT all of us who are growing and moving forward are doing this right? I've found it hard writing out a whole huge list of everything to do for the day... I'd be annoyed if I did not get it all done... So my remedy is to focus on three things at a time. One foot after another. Then by doing so I can be like "Hey, yeah got those done! LEVEL TWO! FIGHT!!!" #MortalKombatReferenceOfTheDay. Then I have also decided to work for 3 hours... and let myself do what I want to for an hour and then repeat. I find that fair! And lastly I think that I even might do that with days of the week? Not sure yet if that would be healthy ... or if I'd get annoyed with myself... Or maybe I'd still do everything but be a little more casual about it al. Who knows... but maybe every third day will be a break... I mean you get breaks at work... both hourly and days off. I just have to be aware of where things are... what things need to be done... etc.

Wow, using actual paragraphs almost appropriately... look at me! (I'm aware that's it's not indented SHHHHH!)

<B

Some silence required

yeah, it's been rather unintentional that I haven't put anything here in like a week. I've been putting in the work (recording myself). But When I've been uploading to youtube it's been taking forever to upload, and a lot of the time lately I've had to interrupt it and BAM! No news on my end. But no, not today sir... not at all! Today i am going to type it all out... For just a couple of reasons mainly.

This right here... this thing I'm doing with the fingers, and the clicking sounds, and the letters... This I can see the progress of and am confident of it getting to where it needs to be right away...The second is. There's a beautiful silence... I don't even have music on right now... just doesn't seem pleasing at the moment.

Lately I've been a little back and forth with how my mind is working but one thing is certain it's facing forward at least! I am doing the steps necessary for the goals that I need and want to achieve. For instance I am looking for work every day. Granted this might prove more of a challenge than my prior thoughts had imagined. ... I'm honest they ask questions like :

"Are you a fast learner?" or, "do you have a passion for talking with people?" or "do you enjoy working in a fast paced and always changing work environment?"

No, No, and NOT AT ALL.

I have 3 options as I see it right now, luck out and get into a comic store... get into hot topic, orrrr get into a night job. I did get an interview with the top comic store in the area... I was pumped... a little overly so... pumped until tense... anxiety probably read like a billboard across my forehead. Nonetheless it did 2 things for me. it honored me that I was considered and got an interview at a place that wasn't even advertising hiring. AND it was a place in my top 3 targets for work. So it helped build my confidence in the fact that it's not silly to hold out for what you want. Sure it may suck till it gets there. but when you do.. you'll just be even more thankful than if you got just what you wanted right away... instant gratification hardly satisfies.

Basically the last few blogs have been talking about the main couple of things sticking like pins in my head. 1. managing the surges of anxiety I've been having mainly social. This one I have to pay close attention to first off because you can't do much of anything unless you can maintain yourself first. Second is an income source. Here, in this corner we have ME with a brutal $100 to his name borrowed in student loans. BUT! I'm fighting! I filled out for a bridge card as most of what I spend my money on is groceries anyways. So that should help preserve things long enough till I figure out the main issue. Which is, the income... this is the interesting logic I've been going round and round with lately.

There are 2 pieces to this Merry-go-round. The first is the wants and needs. I know, and I want to be adamant about finding work... Meanwhile I know that I can't be on that all day... it'd burn me out worse than right now... So, I try to do other things that I want to do, go for a walk... get coffee, play with music stuff... even though sound design and or music is what I hope to achieve in the long term... what about now? I try and push off my annoyance of not working on the music... and justify it with the fact that I am doing what I need to for the present... But does that subtract and or take away from the progression of my future goals. Another thing that I am almost positively sure of, it that when I have figured out my income dilemma I should feel free and be able to more comfortably act upon my interest to spend hours absorbed in   whatever endeavor I choose and not feel bad about it.

The second half deals with comparisons... Everyone does it even if they just do it in their heads... It's in human nature to look upon others and kind of "assess" where we stand in relation... The monkey see monkey do of magazines, the television... and  other various medias... They all portray what and how beauty is and how it is defined. Enough people follow... the screens say gluten is bad... Point is... is the general populace will eat most of what it is given and see much anything else as abstract or wrong... without thought of the logic behind it. It exists for a reason... Everything for the most part does... Back to the personal values this has to me. I do compare.. though not as much as I have in the past... I still do... again, everyone does. Weird for me because in a lot of ways I am my own in my own thoughts and actions... but body image... body image... I've noticed greatly that as most have noticed with me. Good news is I've learned to kind of break that cycle a little bit... I am a lot better about things as long as I know that I am doing what is within my power to control... and fit into the MY standards. Which essentially consist of being between 140-150 lbs, being able to see some ribcage, and having my cheekbones be prominent. And pale skin... but I love the sun too much lol. I know by today's model male that I am almost the ANTI- in... That ,  I am fine with... it's just getting heavy... that I agree with the media about as being something that is not for me. I also do this with my actions and music... I know the roads I have chosen break from the path of the harvard lawyer or, the doctor, or what have you... I'm fine with that... but When faced with that awkward mention to someone who took those steps... and the fact that it is foreign to them... I do feel a bit of that good old fashioned highschool criticism sting me. Same with music, I want to be great.. I am a perfectionist ... an impatient perfectionist... This is a phrase I have to repeat daily to myself mainly when working with music... "don't try and be a clone of this or that artist... you are not them... you have something that is in YOU! Explore that, let that out! it's genuine, and people -especially those who enjoy music will hear that! Like designated signal... they'll read it..." I guess the same thing can be applied to all other facets... speak... and live with sincerity... Stick to your beliefs... these things are so hard to do and I feel they are really uncommon in these times... but if you have them and can uphold them... what you have is a self fulfilling arsenal!

Wow this is therapeutic hahhaha... It's like I just gave myself a mini self- help speech... Inspired- I'll take my bow... Have a good day, to any who might stumble across this page! MUAH!

<B

Yay or something?

Yeah, didn't even really notice that I have over 100 blogs now. Good to know.

The first week or so of starting back on with anything can be way hard especially the first 3 days to a week. With me I'm talking about eating and sleeping the way I need to be. I keep on challenging these things... wanting to live like others my age... eating whatever, sleeping whenever... but they bear consequence for me... more so than what they do for the average. Yesterday... when I felt the need to throw my hands up and say how much I was done with everything. I decided that I would look for answers... If I mentioned this mental fogginess... well, that is a symptom of bipolar... While I don't let it define me... or try not to. I do acknowledge it's very real presence...

I was curious about 2 things when I searched.... The first being if Bipolar people have a hard time concentrating.... The answer was yes on both the manic, and depressive states... both for different reasons... In manic, because it kind of emulates ADHD... in depressive, because there is a lack of interest and or restlessness.

The second, was that of my earlier mentioned fogginess... This is something that happens very frequently at times and others not so much... a lot lately though... and a lot through school both high school and college. This fogginess can range in meaning and form. Sometimes, for me, it means... stalling ... mentally trying to figure out what to say with very simple things and either getting so distracted by the slightest things going on around me or, forgetting in general. I read that in a bipolar persons mind that there is evidence in parts of the brain reacting differently. (what a shock? ;p) It says that it affects their executive functions, as well as makes it hard for them to learn and maintain new knowledge as fast as others... makes a lot of sense to me as I am the type who has to learn through repetition. I mean that's how you get better at things right? Yeah, But I need to be told repeatedly sometimes... The people who don't understand that you have a disorder... look at you with skeptic eyes... even if you were to tell them... it's not like they could ever "get it". So, now that I myself know about having this within me... Yeah, I'll share it.. it's a part of me! I'll share it with employers, it is actually listed as a valid disability, and even on some of the applications I've filled out it listed some .  .
But this usually gets the worst for me when I can feel my gut... When I feel it folded up like a fleshy accordion between my lap and my chest... When I like how I look, I like how I feel and it carries into everything else... this might be why one of the things that they tell bipolar people to avoid is sugar... and eat right. Those things in general will help anybody but it's pretty detrimental to bipolar folk... I keep getting to that happy point where I like everything, I like my body, I like how I'm being social, and I feel super intense (maybe manic maybe not.), and then I decide that I want to stay up late, eat candy, not even try what I want to do (sound stuff)... and let myself down like that.

But as I said yesterday, I am proud that I have not let this become as strong as it has in the past... No, I'm still working out and waking up at the same time, now I just need to get the other two points back in order and I should be on my way. I need to watch what and how much of it I eat, and make sure i go to bed at the right time every night. Another way I'm happy to say that I'm not giving up in is that I'm looking for jobs every day. even if it's just a half hour in the least. Yesterday I spent 2 hours, 1 of which was 1 application but still. I don't necessarily remember what it was for ... Oh, yeah it was for Khol's night stock. I want night stock because I think in a lot of ways it would be good for me. The only thing that might be harmful is messing with the sleep schedule. I have to see both my prescription doctor and my case worker on the 27th? I think, somewhere at the end of the month. So, I'll be relaying as much of this to her as I can... it might be time to turn back counseling already... I give it 3 months... 3 months with a fixed diet, and schedule and see where things go from there... <B

Z is for Zorrow (sorrow)

i don't know whats going on... really don't... what's more? I really don't like whatever it is... it's a place that's a little more than too familiar... Nothing is really helping again... I just want to withdraw.. and stay away from everything... everyone... EVERYONE.

I've been melancholic...but a new sensation has arrived within me.. usually when I feel this way... I'm apathetic as well... do they mean the same thing? Oh well,. Back to what I was saying though... usually melancholy just entails for me a "floating" type of existence... one where I see what's going on... the whole phrase: "the lights are on but no one's home". perfect fit... but this time... I have reached a weird combination of... said melancholy, immense anger I feel in my core, and the profound sadness and interest in just going underground... leaving everything and pretending I never existed. No, that wasn't a self harm reference... I was merely, indicating an identity shift. Often times... just walking about... I've wondered what it would be like to be a gypsy... the only real things to stop me? I trust no one... But the thoughts remain... where would I go? what or who would I see..., Would i know what I was after all along when I found it... or forever choose to be a Nomad, living through the days making it in the best possible ways, in relation to when and where I'm at, at a given instant. Would I feel liberated? Would I feel a gratefulness for everything that I get that I have never known? ... Would I be a liar,.. a thief? Or a curious but kind-hearted man? perhaps, I finally be free to whatever it is I wanted or was... things hat have remained to be shown yet.. things I've always wanted to have been but never could, due to the caged feeling of others expectations... and wants and needs... We let others shape us far more than we should... we want so much to be liked... or loved, etc that we toss ourselves away sometimes... But then... you know what brings me back to the reality of it all? The damning thoughts that people would have if I shared it with them. And now I see it... I can be this person... Though not so much a stray (as much as I would like to be) I can start... doing what I want to and need to for me.. who knows where that will go right? I feel trapped a lot of the time because there are things I need to say all the time to people and I'm just dying o say them... it's in my blood to need to tell people things... I pull back... and I pull back... and I pull back... because I "don't want to hurt them". When in reality, I'd rather sting them right away then let the poison brew within... and then expel a terminal dosage. meanwhile... the surplus rests in me... slowly I get sicker with everyday that I can't admit... or share.. or deliver the message I nee to send to the right recipients... And again, I pull back some more... because I on't have the energy to fight about it... I only have the energy to respectfully talk about it... if I tell something to someone calmly I only find it respectful to reply as such... I'm not singling anyone person out... though one lays heavy in my thoughts right now. I'm not sure what exactly is going on with me beyond the fact that I feel I need to hide in order to appease everyone but myself... don't like it never will. I've changed... could be bad or good... that's really kind of a perceivable thing. I feel great when I just let things out... when I say what I want... Like this bottling up of things... i just icing on a cake comprised of other layers. finding work I want... sticking to my guns for once and not settling... I know for now that, that is an irritant, but in the bigger picture.. I'll be building a stronger foundation for myself than I ever have...I need to prove to myself that I can be this individual... I don't want war... But this blog does need to speak up for me. I'm going to say what I fucking want to in it because it's my god damn time here. This doesn't mean I'm going to be a "mean person"... Just means I need to be honest with myself above all...  I really don't like the fact I can't tell the one person I have about my problems... because they are emotionally closed off... and defensive... I'm tired of being underestimated, underrated, and told who and what I am or am not.. by anyone... including myself....

This reminds me of another time in my life... but I'm done talking for now.... going to try move on...

U is for Underwear

i don't know why underwear... was the first thing that popped into my head.

hello again, Bry.

So today, is going pretty fast and pretty good... it's not taking for ever like some other days have felt this week. I've already cleaned up the house a bit... Reached out in the forums I frequent, looked up jobs, offered music to some youtubers I know, and, well that's about it thus far... But I feel that still... the rest of my day is up in the air... I need in the very least 2 more hours with music, ... I need to add more poems to the anthology and I will probably hit the town for the drum circle again...

I may or may not attempt the nerd Nite but that's because I found out yesterday that it it is... nerd... Nerd like... Sciencey.. not nerd like dorky... comics... monsters and stuff..... *shrugs*.

I'm gonna try and force myself to go, because: for one my friend not go... which in my adult mind shouldn't be a reason and is likely an excuse because I don't want to venture into the cold.

that alone might be enough to keep me away from the nerd nite thing, because if I'm already uncomfortable.. and going into more uncertainty... hmmm seems a little shaky on how things might go down. But! you never know... I sure as hell have surprised myself numerous times this year, and it's barely the 2nd quarter of the year.

So as I see it if I go, it starts at 7... at least 2 hours of music and half an hour of adding to the anthology leads me up to about...  5pm.

*looks outside... listens to the whipping wind*

Ew.

You know for a decade I had let my hair kind of define me... I'm still playing with it obviously but still... there are more pros to have my hair short than long. I mean, saves money, both on hair cuts and gels, and sprays, and dyes and bleach etc. This crappy stuff called "wind" isn't as much of a pain in my ass, no bedhead, no one can mess up my hair.. bees can't hide in it (that happened once),

The only real downsides I see are that my head get's a little colder in the cold seasons, BUT! there's a plus to that too that means that my head will be cooler in the summer! I can't do much with it, thus it keeps me looking very nearly the same everyday so- I have to rely more so on what I wear and accessorize some in order to make up for that I feel... *shrugs* I love being able to look at things with a couple of different angles. It really helps to keep you from being bummed about things that can't be controlled or just things that you don't like.  Alright well, I'm going to try and do whatever it is I'm going to do now, MUAH! <B

P is for Privacy

Yeah, I've not been feeling the videos the last couple of days.... not at all.

Today I once again have that weird feeling... a paranoid, lonely feeling I keep in mind and look to eject. It's nice out so, I know I'll go and venture into that. Well, in part because I want to and in part because i have to, so that's a combination that can't be beat when priority meets playtime.

I have to go and return a piece of equipment to the library and then try something else out from there!

but yeah... just been down... down that I can't seem to get what I want in terms of sound.. In terms of not getting out enough, in terms of finding the right work for myself.

BUT, those are the thoughts of my inner child.... Those "I don't want to go to school today thoughts". I know my inner parent... (in no relation to what my actual parents would say) Would say that... if you don't like something then you have to work for a change.

The truth does sting and a lot of times I drag my feet... But when I actually take the first couple heavy steps... the weight I force gradually lessens.

These blogs are really good for me and the main reason that I do them is to vent and to have someone to talk to who I KNOW will listen.... I'm not leading a legacy or anything of that sort... my life is open to all who want to hear about it... but there is not that much to know... I don't go to clubs... My social outing are few and far between and my successful outings are close to being even fewer... It's whatever I am not speaking negatively just being honest.

Think of the small of things... I need to rally together some new things soon.. I used to have this lovely little coffee shop I'd walk to... It's gone... It seems like all of my favorite things are for niche markets or a very exclusive taste... And it's fun until it's discontinued or people can't relate... Oh well.

I think I might try my hand at a social outing later... MIGHT ... I accidentally turned on the italics by the keyboard... wonder how I did that....

*note to self : actually try and start learning the key commands for things. *

It's taken us this long just to remotely type this fast Bryan... Sure, this post has taken about 15 minutes... but given my past writing capabilities.. I'd say we're doing pretty damn fine...

Btw this is often how my inner dialogue goes... is we...

We enjoy it. 

<B

J is for Jester

So today, is off to a good start.

It's sunny, the sky is blue, and I have ideas.

The ideas I have include further sprucing up my little "office" By adding some bright colors for some color psychology if you will.

I want to make sure to try different colors of bright poster boards and see how that goes.

But it should definitely help to improve things I believe.

I am a little back and forth.. off topic with any one thought.

That much is apparent.

But I have energy! So yeah!

I think as a plan D. I will try and do overnights.

I really want a job that involves moving. Which is funny because what I ultimately want to do is sit a desk and point and click and type away all day. BUT! While venting and creating. Pretty different from the average office job.

If I don not find something by the end of wither this month or next. I will be nightshift bound... and if it becomes a problem this time around then I will just need to fix it.

I realize one of the reasons as to why I am a little bummed lately... it's the dumb friend thing. I want to have friends especially now that it's nice out but that's whatever. I gotta keep telling myself that I can use that to my advantage. Everything has it's plus and minuses.. I need to believe that but.,... all humans need to be social to some degree.

and I truly need to block everything out to get ahead on my path... do worry about who's doing what... or who's going where... or what you are lacking... Much like when I used to walk really long distances... I'd keep going. Why? because I wanted what I wanted and I knew I was the only one who could do it for me. Funny how when I was younger I understood that more and I worked with it more..

But back then it was more of a coping mechanism. Because I feel that when the initial shocks of  my family fall outs settled I let those thoughts go, or at least grow soft. I'm slowly uncovering those shards... and those brought a sense of strength and obliviousness to me that attracted people to me... because I didn't really care about the rest of the world... I just did what I liked and I liked what I did... But when I really started to "fit in"... I lost my fight a bit. I gave my all to my friends at the time. I still would in all honestly... but I need to come first nowadays... because I have goals I musn't let be tampered with... I've done my math and heard that for successful people being selfish in some matters is perfectly normal. Makes sense, like if someone makes food and you won't eat it because you're watching your waist... might hurt them... but you have your own agenda... they'll get over it... but if you have that food... it'll probably leave a problem in your head for longer than it would that person you said no to.

Holding ground...  If I really want this I can't be wishy washy.

Outside?!!

The (mostly) helpful (kind of hopeful) curiosity I have is coming back. Slowly creeping out like the plant life is starting to. I just keep reconfirming the momentum I'm taking up... It might feel like I'm moving at a snail's pace, and I might be but the point is getting there.

I went to the art group I sometimes attend yesterday and it was really good to have a discussion on this specific topic. Part of being around the occasional people and or persons is to relate and know you're not alone. That's just what yesterday did for me. A really awesome person I know is kind of in the same boat. She struggles a bit more than most people too but has an idea of when to step back and when to push on.

Admittedly, I've been a little stubborn and or hesitant to step back. Because I feel like if I'm not working on, my body, or the end of my poetry I'm trying to publish, or finding the first job that haven't settled for and especially the sound stuff. I find the day goes by infinitely quicker. Do I feel like I've done most of what I wanted and or needed to do sure! But there's still this itch. With working out I can say I'm going to do this for the day, do it and turn it off till tomorrow, simple as that. I find it interesting that I also have a similar problem with accomplishment. It's easy to be struggling and get discouraged and stop. Interestingly, I've noticed that once I've had a breakthrough or feel particularly proud of something. I feel like I have completed the day and it's time to stop... When in reality, Should keep going either way.

But anyways back to where I was kind of trying to go on with this. I feel the positive vibes can only feed into the motivation. Thus I need to seek them out and go out and find like-minds and connect. Last weekend I went to one of my favorite places and I spoke to everyone I saw that day. What's more is I initiated the conversations. For the most part they were one on one or I was talking to two at the same time but I still felt very excited. I plan on going to a drum circle on Tuesday to fulfill three things. 1, Possibly meet some cool people, 2, I love percussion and there will be free drums provided, 3, it's in a place that I love where I can get some nice tea.

The rest of the year, (as it had been last year) is pretty much laid. I feel like this is a pattern now. I know I want to have the poems together by the end of April, have them edited and arranged by August, and have them published by the end of the year. (As a side note I know that I want 1 hardcover for  me, 30 paperback prints to "distribute" and have all of the rest in an Ebook. )

I also know about earlier mentioned fun things, like going to the nude resort next month, and weird Al concert in may, the nude 5k. Florida. But I know I'll take my final classes this year too and what they are. So if nothing else I know the blueprints for the year.

Yup Yup, A happy healthy mind for this grey day. <B

hollow

Today is weird, it's a teaser for what's to come . Nice weather. It seems like color is starting to fade back into view. But I am slipping a little. I feel very numb... I wanted to cry today but I couldn't I can't remember the last time I had a genuine release of emotion in that way... It's concerning to me.

It's very exciting when I have emotions for me . Because I do feel like I don't have them sometimes. I'll try my best to list off the things on my mind. and then elaborate.

I'm trying to balance my body (that's just something that will likely always be there), trying to find work that I can manage to do without having any episodes, trying to work on what I know I want to do (in relation to sound) I'm trying to listen with my gut. Not my mind or heart, and trying to be welcoming to people all at once. I tunnel vision a lot of the time so when I see something at high priority is is usually in my sights the most (as it should be) That being said I usually want to only go after that one thing... and anytime I do anything aside from that I feel like I have failed or slacked off. I tire myself by honing in on the one thing... sometimes I'm able to shift tasks non-judgmentally but that is super tricky.

I don't know. I feel that I have an emotional callous on me. I'm trying to shut things out a bit... because if I let them in enough... I'd not be proactive. Bad enough the thoughts are looming about in the back of my head. Thoughts like... fear of money, not wanting to settle-job-wise this time, so that I give a crap and do well. But for the most part I'll do just fine the less dealing with people face to face I have to do. Being kind a loner ... not being a lot further along for my age etc.

While I do have counter arguments for all of these it doesn't mean that the thoughts go away completely. The thing I keep having to say lately for instance is that - Okay, you don't have friends. but what do you have? You have stuff to get done that is more important than someone to "hang out" with. You've been a loner all of your life the scene is pretty much set. So, use that time in a constructive manner Bry.

I have an old soul though, and that's something that a lot of people especially people my age don't get. I don't care for clubs I find them pointless... Sure once and a while maybe.. But there is a lot better and more constructive things to be doing. I don't take selfies every 5 seconds.

No, I enjoy nature, coffee/ tea, the arts, sound, A complicated person with a love of simple things.
I've yet to meet people like that. I suppose I don't know where to look? Perhaps not. But undoubtedly. I will not find them milling about loud music in a space packed full of loud people.

It's challenging, fun and sad all at the same time ... never fitting in to one category. I don't identify as anything,... the closest I'd identify myself as a non-smoking hippy. Which... yeah is the opposite of club goers. I have common interests from many subcultures but I'm not in depth with any one in particular, I like going to nudist things, and being naked... not all the time so I don't consider myself a nudist... I like dark imagery and kind of edgy things but I'm not a goth... I'm not serious enough to be one of those... that and it's nearly a life commitment I'm seeing from many people. That's cool... for them... I disagree with a ton of things politics, religion, and the like, I love punk culture and style and know a lot about it but. I'm not punk... So all of these things and more... I guess to a degree a lot of people just identify with a default crowd.. When I have never fully embraced any of them. I like them all and I keep evolving to satisfy my interests. Stagnating, is common... but I really hope to learn and see more .

I think in that regard, I'd need a very specific type of friend. open to new things with an eclectic taste. Not many of those. I'm my own puzzle piece that fit's in to somethings but not wholly. So, until I find that friend I feel that maybe it's best that I'm a free agent.

<B