3 months

Yeah, that's seriously the best that I have in terms of creativity. That title sucks, pardon it please?


But anyways at the time of my writing this we stand 3 months from my favorite day. I'm not sure if I've expressed this, but as I grow a bit more refined in my taste and what not. I am slowly gravitating more towards savoring the anticipation of the day itself.

What does this mean? Well, it's pretty much as it sounds... I'm looking forward to looking forward to the greatest day of the year. Not only is is my favorite but it is the gateway to my my other two favorite holidays: X-mas and Saint Patrick's day.

I love living in the anticipation of it, rather than the day itself being at hand. If anything I often times feel myself to be slightly depressed the day of Halloween itself, because I know I'll have to wait AGAIN!

Why do I even like the day so much? I can't really explain it without a comparison. To me it's much like a comfort food, a security blanket, and mental vacation all in one. Knowing what those things are and their purposes should help to better define what it is to me. Also, most everyone has that one defining thing about them that they are known for. I'd like to think that I have adopted a holiday as my 'persona'.

As I've aged... I've started accepting my quirks. That's not to say that I'm still not sensitive. I am, that's just one facet of myself  that makes me, me. But rather than necessarily feeling paranoid about reacting or responding to something in a way that reflects my personality I am more proud to let people know about my interest.

This time around I feel like I understand that I am "different" and the likelihood of that ever changing is very insignificant. I accept that just as I can't understand why people would vote for the current president, or support guns, or try to overbear and control the lives of others... that those people most likely can't understand why I love a childish holiday to the extent that I do, why I love music that isn't kind to the general public's ears, and why I don't abide by other imperative norms.

But I have to be myself and stay true to it as much as possible no matter the dislike that it may or may not foster. I know that for the most part I am a very niche character (I might even type-cast myself a bit) and that I will have more frequent disagreements than most.

The pay off to this is: less self resentment, and allowing those who will appreciate me to find me. Most every star (especially of the more bizarre variety) just did as they needed and felt.

I once heard that as a person, most people's personalities have solidified by the end of their twenties, and I would agree with this on a personal level.



ONE A LESS DEEP NOTE!

I finished up the summer semester as of 2 weeks ago. I survived both with scary results... AA!
Haha, fooled ya. I got an A in the both of the couple of courses I took. In one, a solid A, and the other an A-. I was stunned by that last one, I swore that I would have gotten a B at best. but yeah! pulled it off!

Just last week I met with my new counselor... honestly I think that what I will have to (and should do) is switch counselors every 3 years, unless results are markedly presented.

Okay, 30 minute timer is up, that's all for right now. I'll attempt this more frequently, but now I'll just say: No promises.

Take it easy!

Autumn Bomb!

Oh my, my, my... so, last one of these was pre Tennessee visit.  Right?

As a whole it was awesome! Got to eat a lot of delicious regrettables, experience new culture (or lack thereof), got to go to Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum, go to a house of wax, do a mirror maze... and most of all: A haunted house! Yes, the day before the 4th the bf and I went to a pretty decent haunted house. There was another one I wanted to see as well, but hey, seeing only one at the beginning of summer is nothing to pout about.

Even though, admittedly, pout I did. The first full day we were there I was mostly miserable, I stayed up far too late, I drank far too much, and wasn't really into Dolly Wood (one of the reasons for the trip).
It was an amalgamation of things. A looooong car ride, the night before, being off of my routine, being hungover and not having a room to withdraw into when my social battery has been spent. It was hard, but the bf help me manage. I was nearly the polar opposite the next day.

The final 6 days of the summer semester have arrived. Last time I checked I rest at an A in both classes. Which means the worst I could possibly do at this point is get a B. I'm cool with that. In my opinion, with the effort I feel that I put in a B or B+ is fine.

Haha, "Back to school" stuff is already in full swing in terms of retail... pssh I never even left.  Yet.

I get quite the handsome amount of time off. 42 days! That's more than what we get off for Christmas vacation! It pays taking a 10 week class (or two) sometimes. Last year I had like 3 weeks to myself.

Just got to make sure it's productive!

Is it fall yet?

The least inconspicuous hide out

Oooooo man. Again, unaware of where I last left off in these things...

I'm here at my favorite cafe. A mom and pop place...in an (assumingly) conservative city. Weird eh?

Not really. Though following my own interests, I have a strange affinity for conventional stuff. Which... conflicts in the the real world. Though I can accept and enjoy the rustic charm of old school cities and places of the sort... they are not so friendly. Which is sad, because I really enjoy their world... I'm not hurting anyone yet a feel airs of unwelcome every so often. It's whatever. As long as they're not hauling me off to a stake to be burned I'm good.

I've mainly been studying... studying and wrestling with my impulse  control... I've been spending, eating, and inseminating my hand far too much. In an attempt to avoid the spending I disabled the Amazon app.

Phew!

I took my business to the actual web (on my phone, that's where I bought anything anyways.) I bought stuff still... and it's all too easy when your card is remembered and all you need is one button pushed for payment...

So I disabled chrome. My internet browser on my phone. Sure, it sucks when I need some information, bit for the most part it's effective in the way I meant it to be. Now, no shopping, now if I really want certain things I HAVE to go on a computer. Compartmentalizing works for me. I have to have this thing here, and that thing there. It works like railroad tracks guiding me, keeping me better focused. I am best working with one thing at a time... also by limiting the amount of interesting things on my phone I am opening myself to the real world.

As I write this on my phone... This is different though.  This is cathartic.  I need this. And it's momementary. When it's done, I'm done, and that's that. Not mindless zombie walking through Facebook, Amazon or... ahem, other sites. 

I want to use my phone more like a practical tool... It's crucial I do this. My addictive nature has been in full motion this year.

Gotta be a parent to myself. Can't handle it? Then you can't have it!

This seems a bit much to most... It'll definitely be hard for Jeff's family to understand my idiosyncratic behaviors this weekend.

But it's hard for them to understand the habits, because they can't understand my disorder and it's components.

I question their ability to understand. I'll likely have to just say it helps me manage my bipolar better. Hopefully that's enough to save me from the confused, and rather judgemental looks I might collect.

Who knows, maybe they'll be more respectful, and accepting than I give them credit for.  Maybe they'll even be supportive of my decisions.  Anything is possible. Bit I'm sure I'll be prepared for either. People don't need to understand me. I don't need to explain myself. As long as I'm not miserable by maintaining my good habits. That's ALL that matters.

I'm almost done with summer semester you know? Its two weeks away. Thus far,  I have sustained A' s in both classes. It's true, I've done well. But I'm curious how well off I'd be if I studied even more!?! I have felt like I slacked most of the time. Hardly reading chapters 31st cetera. But still killing it? I guess I could just be thankful and not second guess it, but I just want to do well.

But on the flipside of that... aren't those that are accomplished often unsatisfied? Craving more? I also often wonder how well I'd fare if I was working as well... working, balancing my mental health,  and school simultaneously? I... am sure I'd mess up with one. And if that happened to be my mental health you can bet the other two would fail as well. Because the brain my friends,  is where it all begins.

Okay,  enough introspective banter for the day. Hopefully you enjoyed it and have an awesome day.

Bry

(Clever title here)

Oy vey, Im sleepy.

Taking another break from my reading for class. I pretty much slacked all week so I'm making up for it now. I've got 15 days to do a paper. I'm still in the information collecting stage...
I feel a bit behind, but whatever I'll do fine.

So I'm on my 4 day weekend. In trying to relish every drop of it, because I still have 7 weeks left of this semester. Then, basically 6 weeks off! Wooo! Don't even get that much time off for the holidays!

Sweet.

I've been off and on this summer. Usually, I tend to get the seasonal blues during the best two seasons (mid fall and late spring/summer).

Must be in part to the time changes.

*shrugs*

I've been super reflective about stuff as well...

But I'm too sleepy to disclose anymore. Toodles.

An Autopsy of Sorts

So yeah, I'm typing this up for a couple of reasons. First, my brain is feeling slow today and so I feel like I'm talking like Ben Stein. Secondly, our great but sometimes annoying cat proved far too much of a nuisance when I was trying to record. So here we are!

Many moons ago I posted a blog. Somewhere in April no doubt. Again, I won't pretend to know the contents of it. But what I do know is that I had not yet started summer classes. I don't even think I was finished with winter classes yet. But I got two A's in my classes, so that's good.

Classes currently, (only in the second week of 12) are demanding, but fun. I feel oddly confident.

In terms of health and addiction... eh. My brain stem has been getting the best of me a lot lately. This translates to impulses being a little too strong. The brain stem is the most basic part of our brains harboring the need for survival. Frontal lobes when doing their job should act as flood gates... But I've been allowing myself to wade around a bit. Hope that's a suitable, as well as understandable metaphor.

I went through a phase of gluttony, lust, and greed. But somehow... somehow I've managed to keep myself from being a complete recluse and hater of the world. Thus far that is. haha... half kidding.

The last two days I have kept my phone all the way upstairs in a drawer. Reason? I spend way too much time on it.... not on Facebook, mindlessly tapping at apps etc. Plus, I'm 10x more likely to give into the habitual beckon of internet porn and online spending if I'm on it. It's a distraction through and through. Much like anything, you must be aware of things in order to work towards fixing them. And much like a child, if you can't handle something, it should be removed yes? It's interesting how I can count on one hand how many times I've been on Facebook since February. What this means to me is I have the potential to do anything I want. I just need to do it. I stopped soda without an issue. I gave up most meat, without any issue. I gave up Facebook without any issue. Out of all of them... the only one I remotely miss is meat. More specifically chicken. It's the most versatile animal and can be healthy when prepared correctly.

That's enough for now... I know I didn't really give any insight as to what's been going on, but I do very much love dissecting things here and displaying the entrails for any to see.

-Bry  

Look ma!

All in all today's been quite great.

•Forgot something for class it turns out I ended up not needing today.

•Got out of class 32 minutes early, because for whatever reason I was energized.

•Got a haircut.

•Got a deal on my styling gel. What's usually 20 ish for one at meijer, I got 2 for the same price.

•Got my nudist magazine from the UK. Which honestly, I was expecting that at least 3 weeks from now. I ordered it on Saint Patricks day. I have stuff coming from the United States that aren't that expedient.

• Finally, all I have to study today is math, for I have a test tomorrow. I understand it, I just want to help thicken the pot so to speak. I have a 98% last time I checked, and I wish very much to keep in the 90s.

Hopefully all goes well tomorrow.  Not just with the test but with the weather. I am having a Brazilian wax done. These things aren't cheap, especially if you're a first timer.

Kinda goes without saying that I don't entertain the thought of taking a Lyft there. The hope is that weather permitting, I can ride my bike. I'd count that 70 minute round trip  ride as my exercise for the day! Combined with the evasion of Lyft cost, and being crammed into a slimy germ wagon, getting exercise, and enjoying the day... just can't be beat.

Have a good one. Open some windows!!

4NiK8

FOUR-NICK-EIGHT hahahaha!

Okay, okay, back to business! Making up for lost time indeed... indeed. Like my redundant wording? I don't let's stop that -make me!

So I believe I was going to express the addictions in better depth huh? Well, as I have said I have managed to avoid my hand giving me fellatio for almost 2 whole weeks! That is a mile stone if ever there was one. I have not watched porn... in the traditional sense.

You see, when you have an addiction it's mostly mental. Chemical shifts and the like (for me this is something I can physically feel churning about in my frontal lobe. It simultaneously saps my energy and I am left with 3 options. 1.) I can take the old stick shift for a drive. Get the adrenaline pumping hardcore this is to avoid the sleepiness. Tricky no? 2.) I can eat to battle the mental fog- Which leads to over-eating and or eating mass quantities of food. For those of you who know me and are rolling your eyes... Stop it because this is something that is real. Just because I am not morbidly obese does not mean I don't have a problem with food. Eating 3 bags of sand which cookies over the span of a weekend is not cool. Especially when those 3 individual bags are devoured in 3 individual sittings. This makes me feel gross and in turn leads my hand to the appendage of love... omg that's terrible. Once this cycle has completed itself it's worked! No longer tired... Just guilt laden and resistant to do anything else the rest of the day. Finally 3.) I can avoid either by taking a nap. Makes sense right? Give the brain what it's asking for!

I've been taking naps and I've been seeing a veer away from my self-destructive habits.
It's seemingly working. Not only do I feel a lot better, but I am more focused etc. It makes sense to take a detour if it's going to aid in the overall scheme of things.

That being said, I need to try and see the entire picture. I need to have an aerial view of things.
I'll give an example.
A couple of months ago I was watching the news. I heard about some sort of ultimatum involving a little hole in the ground. The way they presented their options were the only ways possible: they could fix it quickly and cheaply saving the city money or, they could take more money from the city now and efficiently fix the issue. The answer was obvious to me. Yes, I understand that it will suck having raised taxes for a minute. But really... what's worse? The very real threat of the hole spontaneously opening again, and then having to fix it again or paying the money to fix it from the get go.
Better yet, in the long run, you might even be saving money, it's just a matter of impatience. Because shelling out money in small increments adds up. Might as well save up... put the money out and have everything be A-okay.

SO easy to offer sage thoughts when it's not your choice.

Anyways, back to porn. So, addictions are a bit funny. Even if you stop the intended habit of online pornography (again 12 days clean) you're brain will offer up alternatives - much like someone who's on a diet rationalizes drinking a six pack of soda to one regular sugar because "it's healthy". Convincing, but false. Tempting but devilish. My mind has been like... look up nude art on amazon, that's not "bad" is it? If I can feel the aforementioned chemical shift in my head... then yeah, I must say no. I even considered doing something sketchy... attaining my smut the old fashioned way...
Yup, the liquor store baby. The smut laden, sobriety smashing, powerhouse of questionable wares.
Luckily for me I had a few deterrents.

1. It was like 10 am...
2. I don't want to be perceived as a smoker.
3. I don't want to be perceived as an alcoholic. Which, I totally would visiting one at such an early time of day.

Needless to say I've been having to avoid the web for the most part... at least for awhile. I know this sounds 'crazy' if you can't comprehend it. But it's completely logical. What do you do with a child if they can't handle something? You take it away don't you? Even for a little bit?
As I have said earlier, yeah I'll use the web sparingly. But not for idle searching... it's just too much. I get lost. I have an addictive personality and can easily get lost for hours in the most trivial of affairs.

I'm trying to dial back to the 90's in a way you might say. Personally I didn't really have the internet in the 2000's. I did but in very brief moments. If I wanted the internet I had to go to the library or visit a friend. Shit, that sounds so much like: "back in my day"... that's exactly what it is. Whatever. When I didn't have the internet I was forced to be a bit more creative. More focused and well, find stuff to do. I most certainly wrote the most back then. To the slightest degree I may have even been happier. It's when myspace struck that added facets were added. Some good, Some bad.

Point is, excess seems to be becoming more and more available for everything. Some people need to live a little bit simpler. As long as it helps me foster happiness I'm fine with that.

Btw, it's 70 degrees out right now. Hope you get to- or were able to enjoy it.

In a blogger account far, far away.

Greetings anyone who should stumble upon this modest text. How have you been? Ya look great!

So. I can't recall what I last spoke about, nor can I recall on which platform it was published. All I know is I have a handful of unpublished audio journals that the SoundCloud app would not upload for some reason. So let's start anew shall we?

The new year's begun! It's been pretty stellar with the exception of the wicked wizard of Washington and his flying monkeys. Anyways! I'm about 2/3 of the way through this semester and have maintained A's thus far! The classes aren't tough though, so a feat this it not- but happy, I am!

Enough Yoda talk.

I've had a handful of 'meant to be' moments already. And I've discovered some fun facts about myself. Such as, My blind taste testing of college courses won't totally go to waste. The way I've discussed it with the school advisor I'll be transferring to the University with 3 associates degrees.  One is in Occupational studies, one is in liberal arts, and the other (which aligns with my path) is in social work. My associates from my current school will transfer and account for at least half of my bachelors at University. It's really quite exciting. I want it, I can feel it in me. This is achievable and my heart gravitates towards it.

But then there are the other revelations I've encountered. I have an addictive personality. Food, porn, and spending. Funny thing is these are the most common three, at least the legal ones anyway. And although they are legal that doesn't make them any less threatening or life altering. It aids in spinning a revolving door of confusion. It is dizzying as you can't be one hundred percent sure what are your own actual thoughts sometimes.

I'm taking measures. I'm working on subtracting porn use. Which in turn shrinks, if not kills interest in hand fucking. A little vulgar sure, but no need to sugar coat it. I'm noticing pressure points though.

Think about it in this context: (it's sad but bear with me). If a dog has one leg removed, it's going to put more strength on and perhaps enhance the others.

Come to think of it I could have just as easily produced a hydra metaphor instead of figuratively crippling a real animal. Bastard.

But yeah, on Saturday I will be free a total of two weeks! Of porn that is. Unfortunately it's kind of so bad that I have to restrict my Internet use. No, not with parental controls but by simply not using it... limiting my Internet use to its most basic application: knowledge.

I primarily used it for Facebook and porn. Which, I may be wrong but I feel social media and porn are the most accessed things on the Internet. I cut out Facebook really easy. Simply, I don't need to know about people all day everyday or lose my head in it.

Anyways I'm sure there's more worth mentioning, but I'll take to that later hopefully. Now that I am using the app I don't necessarily have an excuse not to lol.

Have a Happy Thursday!

Textual healing

Guess we're starting this post over hehe.

So I'll start off with where I left off, the earlier pieces being insignificant.

This year has offered much in the way of growth and thus for me, enlightenment (not of the religious sort). I'd like to share my morning.

I initially woke up irritated and feeling like a fat sack of shit. Fair enough. But I kept on with my routine. That is, until I remembered... I forgot to charge both my phone and my Ipod last night. 

Now, this may seem like a minute detail but for me it's a bit trickier than that. I've always been hard on myself, and to some degree no matter how small, probably always will.

The plugs where I work out (the sunroom of the house we keep closed off) were both occupied... I had to break routine. Which, for me is not so great to say the least. So, I calmly sat down in from of the electric fireplace/space heater and "meditated". I say "meditated" Because I've never quite understood the concept in full.

Anyways, I sat there in concentration legs folded back straight before the heater and the candle atop of it. I asked myself some questions. For the most part, I simply answered them. That! Is a triumph of its own! To answer without the paralysis over over-thinking.

<When will we (yes, when I think, I kind of divide myself) work out?

>Noon, or be done by 3.

<Well then, what's next?

>Breakfast... but I hate picking what to eat.

<Think harder. Take your time.

After that I made a good breakfast and have a good concept of how the day will go.

*shrugs* Positivity.

Mute

I find it more appropriate to put my words to text today, as they are not too nice? I'm not sure how to explain it.

This morning is a little hard to start. I just want to be understood... and understood by the second person that matters. Let me explain.

I am a person (hypocritical myself but at least I acknowledge the fact), that loves to be certain of making plans. ESPECIALLY in regards to Halloween, or Halloween related events. I especially dwell if the plans are suggested by another person. It's a scathing pet peeve of mine. Again, I like things to be discussed and planned. I don't like last minute decisions... never have, and  never will. Such as the case with something very recent (this upcoming weekend). Sure, things come up... but do try and be ahead of the game in letting the other party know. Or in general if it looks like it's not going to happen. Let me know within a week at the latest. Because otherwise my interest dies out like the carbon in seltzer. My enthusiasm dries.

I wouldn't be so bothered if it weren't for the suggestion of the person... me trying to prepare, and the person who made the suggestion being non-responsive. That's different than things coming up which  can understand (not like, but understand) That's the difference.

I try to convey this to my boyfriend. Maybe it's because it's his little sister I am talking about or maybe because he truly does not understand what the big deal is. It's not like I can casually talk with him about it. He tends to get a bit more frustrated than need be. I feel like most other people would get how I'm talking. I have a habit of apologizing for things I say to others in advance, due to thinking it will frustrate them like it does him.

I won't be apologizing for any of this to anybody. This is how I feel and it's grown dark and upset, because of lack of communication... between the person who made the suggestion and I. That's what irks me... not the fact that it's not going to happen as planned... by me.

Well, that's my rant for now gotta study I guess... I'm really going to try and treat today like the joke it is... Hysterical and meaningless.

#cynicism

Quite the while

It has been rather too long. I've had a couple of videos between the last post and now. More so on the voice recording aspect. Regardless haven't done this in awhile!

So we've moved, got a cat, I got a bike and successfully managed to pull myself through the meat grinder that was the summer semester. Currently collecting myself into a burger for the fall semester.

What's there to say really? I battled myself  throughout the summer. And it's not over yet. I've been letting things run too out of hand.

Bipolar disorder is no joke although many will use it as such... That's fine I make plenty of inappropriate jokes of my own... but unlike many of the those who make them I'm completely aware of what I'm saying... or I care to be. Anyways, due to age, and my already fragile tolerance for staying up late, what I put into my body etc I feel the need to actually do what's needed of me.

I've struggled with and fought this for a long time... because "it wasn't fair". By this I mean not fair that people my age, and even older can live on a schedule of binge drinking, junk food devouring, and whatever else followed by a two hour interlude of sleep before waking up at 5 am to go to work. I can't do any of those and function properly... if at all really. Often times I don't really do anything during the day due to a malignant fogginess that envelopes my thoughts. Only those with this issue really understand. I read up on it yesterday and it seems that this is by definition fatigue. If not plain fatigue than most certainly mental fatigue. From what? What do I do that's so cerebrally taxing? Nothing most of the time. But I've done my research and time and again it comes to the result of  a bipolar issue. Certainly there has to be a means to thwart it. Tired of feeling sluggish and like it takes fifty millions steps before I can be on the same playing level as the majority of other people.

What am I avoiding that I know I could, and should be doing, but am inevitably shirking?   Some of the aforementioned things I.E.: Sleeping on a schedule with an adequate amount of sleep, avoiding added sugars, and watching my caffeine. plus taking reflective time, and meditation. Which for me would be to write ( the reflect) and to listen to music (the meditation).

See what I mean though? It's kind of a drag having to incorporate all of these extra components. But the "fun" of depriving myself the ability to accomplish things needs to end.

More on this later... maybe I don't know if this has made too much sense but it should to me at a later date... one would hope.

If you happened to read this I'm not sad just found a very old and weathered sticky note I should have paid better mind to.

Just had a massive AHA! moment is all.

See ya later g dawg. Woof woof or whatever the kids say nowadays.

Because it takes too long.

Or I'm lazy. I just didn't want "Because I'm lazy" to be the title.

What I'm referring to is the lack of change in the most recent months on the blog. It happens. I feel that I am putting forth my energy into more important affairs.

So, last month was pretty good, I barely had ketchup, I typed in two of my poetry books, and I had 4 job interviews.

This month should be busier I think. I've written a lot more down that I intend on attending. I've been more forward thinking too. today I met with an adviser at my school. I wanted to see where I was. It turns out I'm indirectly 87% of the way towards an associate's in occupational studies? Which essential means well... I'm not sure I'll get back with you on that. But anyways. It's looking more and more like my future may be pointing toward further college... begrudgingly. But I might welcome it. Especially now that I am thinking about things less before I do them. WHICH in my case is to my aid... because I over analyze to a paralyzing degree.

What steps do I have to take next? Well. this year is going to involve thinking for sure. I have to take another math class... I imagine that will take up quite a lot of time... it did last time I took up a math class. Mainly because algebra is less necessary than art... and it should be cut before art. Because only the really mathematical people are going to have really mathematical careers it's wasting both the student's time and ultimately money.

I have another thing set up tomorrow to see someone from EMU and talk about what would happen if, why, and how I would transfer. So many things I'm working towards things that just . I don't know I feel like I'm getting closer to what I want... like I'm on the verge of some new life changing events.

*HIC*... fluffin hiccups <B

For all of the gentle children

That sounds really bad 0.o

But it, like any other title in this thing hardly relates to the subject. What's been up? Or what's been down. I think it's fairly easy to see thus far the type of mood I'm in from this writing. I like to think I have a pretty clear tone that carries as I write. BUUUUT that's just me. So I've been doing the job hunt thingy. I've had two, count'em two interviews and both of them went well enough. I'm 50/50 that either one of them will grant me a position. One gave me the background check paperwork to fill out... so perhaps that one is a sign? And then the other was supposed to get back with me about a second interview that I have not heard anything about yet... The last communication was almost a week ago... so .... yeah.I'm patiently waiting for them, I have another interview a week from now for a receptionist position at the Aveda school, So, My method of handling this is I'm going to ride out the rest of the month working with these three places and see if anyone bites. and if so. Who? I'll say I am proud that all of the places I have gotten the interviews at, are places that I didn't "settle for". That is extremely helpful to my ego and self esteem. Every job I've had is a job I've "taken". rather than granted. Meaning that I have not had a job that I have been thankful for, other than for the fact that it provided a paycheck. This time I'm attacking the places that I have an interest in first. Which... again for me is good. I perform better the more I care about things.

Other than that, I still have my work services running in the background keeping eyes and ears out for me as well. Which is all the more helpful in finding something that would be a good match. Admittedly I threw out some good opportunities... Jobs I didn't give an honest try. Jobs I was just too scared to attempt. And most importantly jobs I wanted. I'm making it a point to tackle things this year and make bigger risks. I am growing fond of the phrase : "The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward" Unless of course what you're doing is illegal and then it'd be the bigger the punishment.... call it a wild guess.

I'm trying very hard to curtail my bad habits and fortify the good ones. For instance, I'm trying to stop eating so much... and or so many bad things and working more toward my goals. the main 3 being: Finding work, getting my driver's license and getting all of my poetry into the cloud... and then saving it on several things because I'm paranoid like that. Yesterday was perfect!

I guess I just want to go over that a little  bit. Yesterday, that is... At first I felt that I was wasting the day... and then I was at some point because I kept fighting myself about leaving... making the excuse that it's too cold... or this or that. I ended up going and was super glad that I had. I got 2.5 hours straight of typing in my poems. It's a weird little thing that I've noticed... but many times when I've been out and about I tend to do my work... or focus better. It's almost as if I'm showing off... or that I'd feel lazy if I were doing nothing in a public setting. Or it could just be that energy I'm a vampire to. I absorb the city vibes... the feeling of productivity if intoxicating even when I myself am not. I love the city feel for this reason. And I think this is why I couldn't live in the country or, at least not in this point in my life. But then it came to getting home, Famished as I was, I didn't devour everything. I knew I had only eaten 1/3 of my calories so I caught up. I didn't go over them. Good job. And then... it got late... I was bored and watching youtube which for odd reasons makes me want to eat. I ignored it by window shopping on Amazon. Which worked quite nicely actually. there were things I kept on wanting to get but they weren't good enough in my mind to justify actually buying.

Well... I think that is all for now. <B

ankle biting

I have no idea what that term is supposed to mean.

And I so very much want to put some of my pumpkin spice hot cocoa mix into some coffee... alas, as every day when I'm trying to lose poundage, it's early in the day and my will is still strong. Grrrr, I wish that last medicine wouldn't have been such a detour. Now I have to start my old medicine all over again... which may more may not even help this time. I've been feeling hopeless. But I keep moving... Somehow I keep moving even if it's a little. Ad I'm taking yet another detour if my old medicine can't even help. Blah. well, sadly... in many cases the only way to know is by trial and error. I'm rather impatient in regards to things involving myself soooo...

We're on the hunt for a new place, the Bf and I. The one place he wanted really bad, I couldn't say yes to. I felt like a monster. But it was dark... there were only windows on one side of the place, and they only really picked up the morning. Which is better than no sun but that means it's pretty dark the rest of the day. ESPECIALLY in the winter. Gross... I know for sure I'd feel like I was locked away... isolated... that's why I had to say know... If I would have lied my mental health would be in bad shape. I need windows, because even when I want to hide from the world, I still want to see it, and come to realize that I still am a part of it... no matter how much I might not want to be at that moment in time. And in fairness, There were only two places we've looked at, one of which I really enjoyed (lots of windows by a busy road and trees)  and he did not. I mean I liked it but it did need quite a lot of work... Even though it did have character.

IDK. I'm taking all I do in higher regard than most would for what I'm doing. Because honestly, I feel like doing nothing... just watching youtube and binge eating my feelings until I'm biggest loser size. But, I'm not (entirely), I'm typing in my poetry so that I can make sure that I have it safe, should anything happen to the hard copies... and so that I may also edit and publish them. I'm filling out at least one job application daily as well. Taking steps up. I want to believe it's not about how fast the steps are being taken... and I'm trying not to compare myself with the rest of the world... but I give into these things. Sometimes I'm immune. Sometimes. So surely the slow, steady, movements are better than stagnancy?

IDK, <B

fudge it....

So, it kind of goes without saying that there will be more writing in this thing in the coming months. As I use it to... sort things out. Today, feels like yesterday in regards to a mostly frowning face. I feel spacey. I'm drinking plenty of water, as I do tend to dry out rather fast nowadays for some reason. It helps far more than coffee, which would add to the aforementioned drying out. *sigh* Lots of thoughts whirring about in my head. Mainly about my relationship, our future, my future, what I am what I'm not, who I am and am not. All very deep things that I seem to not be able to focus on for very long. What I mean is, they seem to be in a revolving door in my head, and before I get too caught up in one of the slots the next one presents itself. I guess you can throw in the thoughts about mental health, and work for good measure. I guess I'll try to sort out each here a little bit, after all this thing is my makeshift counselor on the days that I do not have an appointment.

Work, I guess I'll begin with that. I'm looking for it, I need it, I kind of want it... but I am terrified by it. Not particular doing work, but dealing with people. I have my bouts between loving people, and avoiding them altogether. Right now, as in this very moment, I have no interest for meetings. It's just that it's been awhile, 2 and half years since I've worked. I have to be strong and believe that I can and will handle it well. A job would be a great thing. It would inspire some independence and time away from the boyfriend. Which is also good. When I'm filling out apps, I am PUSHING myself to do so. There's also a toss up between thoughts of time. When can and should I work? If I tried to work overnights again, could I? I'd like it because I'd have fewer folks to deal with... but I am not so good about sleeping during the day. It kind of goes without saying that at the beginning I'll be overwhelmed a bit, mainly just in terms of maintaining the oh so valuable schedule of a bipolar person. It's the key to ones success. I think that's all I can mention on that front... NO... wait a minute. I also think that yeah... I'm getting a job... That's fine for just money,... but I wasted most of college... I don't really know what I want to do or... what I'm good at... I don't. It's taken me this long to remotely start to feel comfortable with myself... and not alienate myself to a constant. I want desperately, to be an artist... but it looks like a bleak path. I do well, with structure... but structure leads to the basic type of job.... I don't want to be a doctor or anything like that. My college experience thus far has been the same that my high school was. An amalgamation of classes I was curious in... None of them seemed particularly my thing in the end. But now I have a lot more knowledge in the end. That, I am proud of. I love to write, but...I don't want to be a teacher... I'm the type of person who can't tell if he will like something till he tries it. There have been several things I really thought I'd like that just didn't appeal. Hence the throng of classes without a stable path. I can wish all I want that I was going through this at a younger "more appropriate" point in time, but that leaves nothing changed. I can wish, my childhood life at home was stable and loving enough, that I really could care about my academia and look to the future rather than just trying to survive. I could wish that I would have had to have an allowance, to show responsibility and understand work, and then started working when I was younger. Wish, Wish, Wish. I know I'm still in my twenties, but I feel so far behind... especially living in the shadow of such  a prestigious college town. It inspires me through self hatred sometimes. We'll slide into the next topic.

Mental health... What I had said about wishes kind of ties into this... because if I would have figured out things... that I have bipolar and anxiety, sooner... I wonder where I'd be and what I'd be like right at this very moment. I have a firm assumption it'd be further along and far happier. But one can never know such a thing. I'll just say, that due to this thing I have living along side of me I feel like I'm on a treadmill a good portion of the time... I can see what I think I'd like in front of me... I'm moving alright... but I don't seem to notice when to turn off the switch, and walk out in front of the treadmill to achieve it. Hopefully that translated well from my head to text... I really don't wish to be like my parents. few ever do. The goal should be to reach new heights, and make your own empire. In some ways I feel I'm succeeding. These are thoughts I always have, but they predominantly attack when I'm at my lower ends. that's how I'm able to express them to you right now. Obviously, I'm not too down to where I am curled up in the fetal position. No. I've felt the inability to do anything too much when I had the Akathisia. And the meds and such... I need to get those correct to move on and be as function able as possible. I just told myself today while feeling this... there should be no reason to feel sad, without something happening to you. Of course there is the winter and what not... but I'm sure that's only an addition. And then we can tidy up with the last bit of discussion.

Relationships. I've always been rather push or pull. Being Bi polar entails extremes, I know this. when I was little for instance there was a time that a friend had did something I did not like and I chose not speak to him for like two months. I was about five... so that was pretty intense. I got very jealous when my friends would meet and become friends. I felt as the I was being pushed out by the very same two people I brought together. I'm on or off a lot although, I have gotten tremendously better I'd say about it. My disorder distorts how I should be feeling for sure. Sometimes I question if I've loved or been infatuated. I know I've hated... oh that I'm sure. I've felt numb errr... melancholy is a big thing I feel. Of late, I've been feeling distant with my boyfriend. Maybe I'm reading into it too much? If not I'd rather he just say what he needs to, to me. But I just keep feeling like a loner as well... there's this masochistic side of me that loves being alone... and only having acquaintances, and then there's the side that really longs for deep bonding. I'm never 100% sure which voice is me... though I often times side with the one playing for keeps. IIIIIII think that that's a good note to finish on. I'm really proud of this entry. I feel a little better having collected my thoughts like this.

<B

AKATHISIA

A word I never knew, and a feeling I hope to never again experience.

So, here we are the 2nd week of 2016. I'm feeling down but trying very hard to maintain my hope for the coming year, and do so in various ways. I should probably rewind and brush over the things I am not sure I've covered with the Christmas and New Years.

Well, they were great, there's not too much to be said about them. Christmas with my mother was good. Christmas with the Bf's family was awesome as usual. I like to feel like I have a family. I keep having this negative nagging thoughts popping in and out so bear with me. New years, was okay. I got to spend it with my bf and his family again. I left without saying goodbye... I felt gross and wanted to hide. Plus, there were other things going on with me I was aware of.

2016 came on quick and seems to be the quickest moving month I can ever recall. It's almost already half way through. The holidays, were burdened (but managed well) with some internal struggles. Right, so I usually start feeling... a downward shift in mood come, I'd say mid October (it has nothing to do with my birthday). Peculiar how it's so close to my favorite day, but it's in my design. I had asked the doc, about getting a stronger medication, we tried a small addition of litium, and it made me sick. So, then we slowly started introducing Latuda. Well, this drug... hehe this drug... It didn't really help. When I was in the lower doses I dismissed any negativity I had because it's new and I'm not sure what to expect, so on, so forth. But I now believe it's one of the factors as to why I was fighting with myself around the holidays... It added to the depression even if just a little, it did. But then came the real fun. It's note worthy that I drink most nights in December. That's just how things go. But I suspect, the alcohol helped level me out. I'm not turning to the bottle and becoming an alcohol or anything it's just an observation. When I went to my higher dosage, I was still drinking. Until, I didn't and then I was wide awake, restless...And it was pretty evident it was the medicine causing this because it happened not long after I had took it. I thought it was odd, but shrugged it off. Three nights later, the same thing happens but worse. This time I can not sleep, concentrate, or anything. I ended up getting to sleep I'd say around 2 A.M. I guesstimate that because I stopped looking at the clock... I couldn't care... about anything besides beating this thing. Safe, next morning I woke up and didn't feel sleep deprived one bit. This was also the day where I was going to stop taking the med at night. The only reason I took it at night to begin with is because in the very beginning when I took it in the morning it made me feel sick. But anyways, that day went fine... I still had odd energy, but it was manageable and I did some fun things with it.
The following day, was the final straw. I took the pills... All of a sudden, amplified by at least three times... I felt the familiar symptoms. Except this time... I was very erratic. This time, it felt like my major veins and arteries were going to erupt and spray everywhere. I tried to sit still... but it was as if my body was reading stillness as pain and fought me to deny it. Ugh, I thought maybe I could jog in place... but my body somehow felt unprepared? I tried to make myself purge up any of it... but nothing happened. This was the first time in quite some time I felt I was unsafe to be alone. I called 911 and went to U of M. Psych center... because it had to deal with psych meds. I waited there about 3- 3 1/2 hours total. I waited and shook off a good portion of the energy but then they gave me a downer for my upper... and it leveled me out. It was discovered that I had Akathisia, which encompasses essentially everything I had described. I felt rabid. The thought of suicide came and left. More of a thought that "I'd do anything to stop this feeling". That bad. My doctor and I are putting me back on my old medicine for right now. I've not been the happiest of late but yeah this time of year, a lot of people have a dip in mood. There's not much to get ramped up for.

I'll try and be brief about this next part. So, lately I've been feeling alone. I see my bf everyday. But I feel alone. I do have a feeling of helplessness, but I know I'm not helpless. I want to indulge in quick fixes of food, and sugar but they are destructive for any other reason than necessity. I make a very conscious effort to flip the negative thoughts. And to do the things I have to and want to do. But the nagging feelings remain. Sadly, I have to start back from the lowest dose of my original medicine. I keep struggling with my writing as far as saying it sucks blah, blah, blah. But I also keep observing myself. I know it's kind of sad, but this point in the year, I might have a job. Perhaps that might help.?
That's a thing too, I've been feeling inferior, I don't have a "degree" in anything, and I don't have a published book. Okay, that's enough of that.

I've just got to find the ways to make things work is all. In the most healthy and helpful ways. I'd like to use the phrase whatever works. But I don't feel it applies to this.

If ya read this, sorry. but thank you. <B

Ala kazaam I guess

I've been getting the itch to do this. to willingly type up a blog. I try to do this more fluently, but only really succeed when I seem to be dealing with... stuff. But that's one of the major reasons this thing exists in the first place. So, as I might, or might not have said before I started a new medication. It's interesting... I'm not sure if that is interesting-good, or interesting-bad yet. All I know is I've been feeling like I'm on a boat, I'm fine... the weather (Latuda) is the changing factor. When I first started it, taking it in the morning I felt fine.... as long as I was lying down that is. So now I take it at night, when it's for all intents and purposes fine to be dizzy (if ever there is an okay time for that). I keep spacing out writing this as it is. If my grammar/ anything else sucks in this journal that's why. Let's keep moving. Anyways.... some things that I have noticed is that if I keep downing water... the remaining dizziness turns into energy.... but it's a mind game really. Because I feel like I'm moving sometimes when I'm not. I have to really pay attention to my hands sometimes because after moving... it feels like they could still be moving so if I stare at them for a minute, I know they're still. This is the first antidepressant that's had any oddball side effects. But as odd as it sounds... I kind of like them. When I can throw a harness on them, I feel fantastic and I can use it as energy... but when I can't my concentration suffers and it takes what feels like forever to get certain tasks done.

The switch to the medicine was meant to help be a stronger support for the coming months, as I also have Seasonal disorder. A lot of the depression can be thwarted by avoiding vices one has when depressed... My go to "drugs" are usually food and porn. Because much like drugs, they're fast and easy. But much like the illegal stuff they have their consequences. It all leads into a circle of self defeat. Over eating and over beating have no benefits except for ease and temporary appeasement. But that's what one turns to in moments of discomfort... things to kill the pain. When in reality the things that will kill the pain are opposite the actions you'd generally carry out. It's hard to do after a point because the negativity becomes habit. I'm by far not as down as I could be... not at all, I've been waking up at the same time, and working out everyday. But I do keep slipping on the food. I even managed to stop the other... that one was one hell of a mental pollutant. Even now I have to keep trying to face forward and not think about it.

Back to the medicine though,.. it's really just kind of a wild card I guess. I'll keep taking it and report how I feel to the doc. I'm not sure if the things are good or bad... Neither? Both? *shrug* What I can say for certain is that I'm not giving up. My emotions are wishing and washing from... I'm alone, to so what if I am. infinite tug of wars... But again... I'm finding squares of solace in the insanity. I learn things from the curses and praises, and the doubt and confidence.

Speaking of extremes... I'm so proud of myself for marching on with things. (not suicidal to clarify). I'm proud that I've been dragging my wheels across the ground when they don't want to turn. Very little has been appealing to me... or even seemingly attainable. I'll think of something I'd normally be giddy about and... nothing... try another? Mild interest. I feel like I want to do nothing a lot of the time... but then when I cave I'm tormented by the things I want to/ need to/ could be accomplishing. Then, there're the distractions. Kind of like the "drugs" of eating and hand dating, I've found things that require little to no thought with all of the zone out factors present. Phone games, and the music app on my phone... I can get lost in either for a good hour easy before I even realize an hour has gone... then I'll tell myself I can stop.... tsk tsk. I'm having to be very mindful of where I step in every direction... I keep myself out of the kitchen when it's not time for a meal, I have to hold off from seconds... As for the phone apps... I have to keep myself in the mindset that I don't have one of these fancy phones when I'm working on things. I keep wanting to delete the apps, but I've payed for them. So ignoring them will have to do.

I'm aware that the medicine isn't the only part of maintaining my disorder. But that's one of the things my depression helping me shirk. Ya have to do all of the things Bry, Bry. It may suck that you have to work extra hard to be on the same level of functionality as most. But you do.

After a very long pause. Ta ta. <B

Forever and roughly 30 Days.

I imagine too much has not been missed ^_^



PAST:

 I guess I'll start with Turkey day. It was cool, there's been a lot of meeting with family, which is, as many out there understand both wonderful and draining. Especially because I am fairly introverted and can handle so many people for so long before I want to say so long for awhile and then recharge in secret... Of course that's not too easily understood or acceptable around kids so... Yeah. There were two thanksgivings this year, I had sushi for each of them. How I love the fishy goodness. Ummm I've been rather hermit- ish. as in I haven't much been leaving the house unless necessary... not even going on walks... which I should probably make it a point to try. Cause it's supposed to be good for ya. Oh, and yeah. I recently have come up with the brilliant scheme of going on a juice cleanse... or smoothie diet whatever you wanna call it. There's two things I've noticed... either A: I'm doing it wrong and eating everything at the end of the night... and or B: I am getting the nutrients I need without the helpful hand of satiation. Dangerous mix the two. Because the numbers say one thing and then your stomachs like Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction... angry as fudge. Any who. The Bf and I just went to his sisters on Saturday for his god son's 3rd birthday. It was far more taxing due to both sides of the family being there... because one side has many... MANY offspring. Lemme think how many I know of off the top of my head... There were at least ten mobilized units, and then a larva. Like heated molecules they went in all and every direction, with dizzying speed.

CURRENT(ly):

I have been experiencing technical difficulties so to speak. MY emotions seem to have been processed incorrectly thus, making me haywire. How so? Well, I've been feeling things that I have not in at least.. 2 years... feelings of hopelessness I always envision myself walking about the cold and ice laden streets... or alone in a vast field of ice... just wandering without direction. SAD is a very real aspect of my bipolar, but I'm working to counteract it so that's what matters. I was just added to a new medicine that should helpfully nip things in the arse. I can also tel that things are shoddy due to my voracious urges of late.. and my lethargic impulses to do nothing... want to do something... but nothing seems to have sparked interest... But food... an easy, fix... a drug to take and fall from. But I'm not one hundred percent in the minus, no. All of this stuff is more in the background of my mind than anything else. It's sadly surfacing.., but maybe it needs to ya know? Like a purge... sometimes you just need need a good emotional puke or so, to clear it from your body. Onto the future and things I looking forward to.



SOON:

Well, tomorrow is the first thing. There is a witch meeting tomorrow, and I'll hopefully see a cool cat there, and meet a few others. Day after that, I will try a writing workshop to get some constructive crits. Then Possibly after that is the Boyfriends work party. ... Parties are a bit tricky for me when I want to try and be healthy... For example the birthday party. I managed to say no to the pizza and obligatory cake and I ate only the veggies without dip... Didn't even drink... but that's mainly because they didn't have anything of interest to me. Even then I would have watered it down. But the alcohol helps me cope. Especially right now when I am in the kind of state that I am... Plus there's the fact that, most of the food is crud... so I guess it's a pick your poison situation... Because you're there for quite awhile a lot of the time, and even if you ate prior... chances are your stomach will scowl with hatred.
Then maybe Saturday, we'll see my bf's, and I's friend and maybe do the zoo light... thing. The following week is kind of recovery thus far... as there is not too much that's going on. There is rumor of a party that we're invited to... but these parties are kind of... mentioned on pretty short notice... I'm assuming it'll be that weekend. And then Christmas with both sides of the family. Should be really cute! UGH I know I was just complaining about poor eating choices.. but I really do want to have the coffee drink of the season...A.K.A. as the peppermint Mocha... and not just from anywhere... but probably S-Bux... THE ONLY reason is because their syrups are superior... The other coffee places I've had just don't do it for me! ... OOO haven't been to B-24's in a spell. Maybe I'll try them! It is rather cozy there around this time. Well, that's it for now! Hopefully I'll post more fluently... (and didn't use all of brain writing this up)

SEEYA! <B

Crumbling cookies.

MMMMM sweet diabeetus.

PAST: So I've been neglecting this like a kid cleaning his room. Tossed carelessly into his closet. But things have for the most part been pretty stable. Some static involved but not too much. So Halloween was simple but fun. I'm at the point where I have had my fill for awhile ... till about February That's just how it goes for me. Things have been on the up for the most part. I thought to myself today that... I have inadvertently been achieving all that I set out to this year. Some of which I was very hopeless about. BUT. I managed to be more social, by some twist of fate, I'm learning how to drive and some other things that I'm momentarily at a loss remembering. 

CURRENT: I am listening to the last parts of the new Celldweller album and loving them!!! I have cleaned today, and am working ... slowly, on the rest of the stuff I wanted to do today. I also figured out some of the Thanksgiving stuff today. I' m going to have SUSHI! ^_^. And now I am writing this really quick before I submit my writing to some publications, putting my writing into the computer ... which shame on me... I have to type ALL of it into the comp. Because if I don't... I'll have absolutely nothing. So I'm going to take extra steps to ensure that I keep them,... I'm going to save them to a cloud, my external hard drive and a usb card... I'll have 3 copies! AND... My first coffee shop reading tonight at 5. That's the very beginning time because...this is new to me and I want to ease myself into it, going a little bit later each time. 

FUTURE: Some stuff is on the rise... I know I'm being super descriptive... but I'm honestly listening to music and I'm into it!!! So... I think I'm going to let some of my typos fly... maybe. But Yeah the obvious holidays are coming up and I'm stoked because I have family now. I have plans to be even better than this year. Which I can foresee happening very easily. I have other readings and meet-ups planned for my writing, so I can network and get feedback, all of that good stuff. 

But that's it... it's weird but... but I feel like I'm going forward... I just don't have many words to say right now more in the mode of acting. Which is far better. 

Ta Ta!  <B

icky wicky lollipop