You're welcome.
I figured it is about that time again to spit out some knowledge, some insight, some memories.
PAST:
SOOOOO said baseball game happened. That was cool. I went into it exactly as I had intended which was indifferent. That way it was more likely that I would be less agitated. Needless to say it worked. Even when I was pressed in with a bunch of strangers, I was pretty damn calm. I found myself freaking out and was able to bring down my anxiety quite a bit by thinking myself through it.
Anyways, mom had the best time which was really cool, it was expected that she would enjoy the event the most. I feel bad though... I felt like and I actually knew that I was kind of ignoring her.. I am aware of that and as to why that is. But all in all a positive experience... and I got my crackerjacks!
Next up, my bf and I went to a wedding (his sister's sister in law) I'd only really seen her in passing at like birthday parties and things, but was invited by association. It was really cool, better than I would have thought. I even convinced my bf to dance to the funky chicken. Because that was the only song that sounded cool to me, and I could rationalize looking silly doing. That and I saw the withered faces of a lot of old people staring out into the dancing people with unaltered faces. One in particular stood out to me. I thought very quickly to myself, as I saw some ladies 3 times my age getting down on the floor, and two of which told me I need to be out there! HAHA. Yeah I should be. Life is short even if it was just one song. I need to be doing it! Enjoying the little life that I have left. I didn't want to be like the other spectators... wasting the even shorter time they had left, unenthusiastic, and confused on the sidelines.
CURRENTLY:
I am listening to some Celldweller to drown out the sound of the neighbors fraternizing. I think that it actually cleared them out. GOOD. I've started to wake up at six, because I have goals in mind and I need to keep them in my cross-hairs as often as possible and balance giving myself the credit I should be giving myself as well as the inspiration needed to fuel said dreams even further along. I'm pretty sure that was a run on sentence. But I've been watching more videos to learn things. Realizing more and more that if I want something I'm going to need to get moving especially because a lot of people my age are further along in their ventures. I didn't have that luxury when I was a youth. I mean I could have but I was enjoying the little bit of well deserved peace I was getting. Don't want to elaborate on that. I have a little board behind my comp that has the goals I've accomplished as well as some strong words of encouragement. I also came up with a new plan to kind of lock myself in my space for 3 hours at a time, and only leave to use the bathroom. I mean literally only leave to use the bathroom. I'll gather all the things that I think that I'll need and just station myself there. The reason for waking up at six though is to pretty much help justify to myself the lack of work that I'd be putting in otherwise at the end of the day when I am with my boyfriend. And being less annoyed about the time. So yeah.. Eye on the prize type thing, and being more organized trying to implement the creative process... I even though about leaving my phone out of the room while doing this. But for the most part I tend to not really realize it's in the room unless it's right on my desk. Even then sometimes... I get consumed... Which is one of the best things possible to realize that I've been so involved that I've been one with whatever I am doing.
FUTURE:
This weekend we are watching the dogs again, which as I have stated back a couple of blogs ago is a fun thing for me. It will especially be the the last thing before I am back to the school thing. Nervous, excited. But I'll attempt the neutral stance that has aided me quite a bit this year. Plus when school hits, it's essentially fall. I mean come on people look at the months as the markers for the seasons, not the specific date of he 21st... Sure that's the official... but people really see the fall as being September, October, November. With less than 2000 hours to spare until the big H I'm pretty optimistic.
<B
Showing posts with label Celldweller. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Celldweller. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Monday, July 13, 2015
nine inch Fails
Awap babaloowhap a bop bamboo! ... frutii tutti...
PAST:
Okay, I obviously have abandoned the ritual of writing one of these daily. But really there isn't an inherent need to. I was mainly doing it before to try and get what I was feeling out into the open, to get it out and kind of make it it's own entity. If that makes sense? I guess so I could look at in a third person perspective. But I can do that without one of these. that way I'm not making one of these everyday with the same things, or worse. NOTHING to say in them. Thus, I'll write these every other day or so... twice or thrice a week. But anyways. This weekend, has been unique, and this next venture I am taking will be interesting as well. How you ask? Well to answer about the weekend specifically, the boyfriend and I went on a walk together, and I mean a real walk (almost 5 miles) :). I'm glad to see that he is doing this, it's good for us, but good for him as well. It's a necessary evil working out is. It's good to help lower a lot of things including stress and anxiety. But he's starting to feel proud of himself as he should I am too! I like seeing him do something and committing to it and being happy. It's really nice to see. Once you get those gears moving, it gets easier.
I on the other hand have been not too good on the food side of things (what's up with that?). But I'm not particularly angry about it. Maybe at times I feel kinda gross... but I've not been going on and on about it. I think it's because a part of me recognizes and is fully aware that "hey man, your choice". So in other words. Shouldn't complain if you did it an knew better. That and I'm getting to this point where I am better accepting of myself, and I don't hate people. I've never really "hated" "people" so much as been confused by them. And annoyed that I can't do. Lately all I've been trying to do, is just live through my eyes and not through my mind. Be in my body, not trying to be another person off to the side of me making sure that my actions don't make me look vulnerable. But that's what ever. I keep bringing to mind the very true phase as well "No one lives forever". It's dark, and inspiring. Hearing those words is haunting, yet a call to enjoy what you have while you have it. I've been opening myself to much more than I can remember. I'm not fond of the idea of missing out anymore. I've done nothing much since I've gotten out of high school. I'm 25 very nearly 26 and I have far less than I wish I did.So, I gotta look up, and look ahead. I've had some great experiences since I've moved out here, and a lot less pain. Again, I have to try and start taking some not too extreme risks. Because I repeat. I never would have moved out here and things would be very different. I might not even be here anymore... alive.. Moving away from that sad thought though. I have a surprisingly less sad story. I'm going to try and go without dairy for a month... Based on the results of that I will go from there and see how I feel/ look/ think etc. So ultimately if I do give it up, the only animal I'll eat is seafood, and egg. So essentially I'm only going to be eating, veggies, protein, and whole wheats. Wow that even sounds healthy. ^_^
CURRENT:
Well, about to go get a snack, open the blinds, alternate between practice, and job scouting, and write some new stuff actually.. we'll see how that goes... I've done some drawing projects recently and I think I had better chops at that when I was in third grade. Truly a skill you have to keep up. Otherwise not much more for today.
FUTURE:
Tomorrow! It's the witch thing! I'm nervous and excited... and nervous. I'm gonna go in as level as I can be. If they do that aura thing and what not... Idk.. my nerves my be even more exposed than I'd hope. But yeah, Maybe I'll meet some people on a similar wavelength. People who like the fall, who like the night and the moon. Etc. And then there's miscellaneous things, the art fair starts on wednesday, I have to see my psychiatrist on Thursday, and on friday.... NEW CELLDWELLER ALBUM... and a really big surprise that was just announced a couple of days ago. NEW SONIC MAYHEM ALBUM!! A day of great music indeed. Other than that I'm really just itching for july to run it's course... It's only good for those who are as enamored with it, as I am with with fall. And or the people who are going on a lot of vacations and stuff.
Yup,
That's it.
That's all.
That's the end.
That's That!
I'm going to go snack. <3
PAST:
Okay, I obviously have abandoned the ritual of writing one of these daily. But really there isn't an inherent need to. I was mainly doing it before to try and get what I was feeling out into the open, to get it out and kind of make it it's own entity. If that makes sense? I guess so I could look at in a third person perspective. But I can do that without one of these. that way I'm not making one of these everyday with the same things, or worse. NOTHING to say in them. Thus, I'll write these every other day or so... twice or thrice a week. But anyways. This weekend, has been unique, and this next venture I am taking will be interesting as well. How you ask? Well to answer about the weekend specifically, the boyfriend and I went on a walk together, and I mean a real walk (almost 5 miles) :). I'm glad to see that he is doing this, it's good for us, but good for him as well. It's a necessary evil working out is. It's good to help lower a lot of things including stress and anxiety. But he's starting to feel proud of himself as he should I am too! I like seeing him do something and committing to it and being happy. It's really nice to see. Once you get those gears moving, it gets easier.
I on the other hand have been not too good on the food side of things (what's up with that?). But I'm not particularly angry about it. Maybe at times I feel kinda gross... but I've not been going on and on about it. I think it's because a part of me recognizes and is fully aware that "hey man, your choice". So in other words. Shouldn't complain if you did it an knew better. That and I'm getting to this point where I am better accepting of myself, and I don't hate people. I've never really "hated" "people" so much as been confused by them. And annoyed that I can't do. Lately all I've been trying to do, is just live through my eyes and not through my mind. Be in my body, not trying to be another person off to the side of me making sure that my actions don't make me look vulnerable. But that's what ever. I keep bringing to mind the very true phase as well "No one lives forever". It's dark, and inspiring. Hearing those words is haunting, yet a call to enjoy what you have while you have it. I've been opening myself to much more than I can remember. I'm not fond of the idea of missing out anymore. I've done nothing much since I've gotten out of high school. I'm 25 very nearly 26 and I have far less than I wish I did.So, I gotta look up, and look ahead. I've had some great experiences since I've moved out here, and a lot less pain. Again, I have to try and start taking some not too extreme risks. Because I repeat. I never would have moved out here and things would be very different. I might not even be here anymore... alive.. Moving away from that sad thought though. I have a surprisingly less sad story. I'm going to try and go without dairy for a month... Based on the results of that I will go from there and see how I feel/ look/ think etc. So ultimately if I do give it up, the only animal I'll eat is seafood, and egg. So essentially I'm only going to be eating, veggies, protein, and whole wheats. Wow that even sounds healthy. ^_^
CURRENT:
Well, about to go get a snack, open the blinds, alternate between practice, and job scouting, and write some new stuff actually.. we'll see how that goes... I've done some drawing projects recently and I think I had better chops at that when I was in third grade. Truly a skill you have to keep up. Otherwise not much more for today.
FUTURE:
Tomorrow! It's the witch thing! I'm nervous and excited... and nervous. I'm gonna go in as level as I can be. If they do that aura thing and what not... Idk.. my nerves my be even more exposed than I'd hope. But yeah, Maybe I'll meet some people on a similar wavelength. People who like the fall, who like the night and the moon. Etc. And then there's miscellaneous things, the art fair starts on wednesday, I have to see my psychiatrist on Thursday, and on friday.... NEW CELLDWELLER ALBUM... and a really big surprise that was just announced a couple of days ago. NEW SONIC MAYHEM ALBUM!! A day of great music indeed. Other than that I'm really just itching for july to run it's course... It's only good for those who are as enamored with it, as I am with with fall. And or the people who are going on a lot of vacations and stuff.
Yup,
That's it.
That's all.
That's the end.
That's That!
I'm going to go snack. <3
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Pip squeek motherfucker
If you wouldn't say it up close, don't say it you moron.
PAST:
Well, since I already tackled the camping trip what news is to be had? Not much...actually a whole lot of nothing really. Too much of it. I've been doing well enough, eating what and when I can. For some odd reason I have not received my food stamps for the month. So I am forced into a world of milk beans, and tuna... The essentials. The only things that I can say about it are sure it sucks, but it's doing some good, it's helping me eat less crap- even if involuntarily. It's also forcing me to be a little bit more creative with my food. So that's not all bad. Couple days ago when I felt down and out... and tired as fuck I looked up ways to build energy and I constructed a list to do so. It was going to be of 100 things, but I only got around to 50 seeing as a lot of the sites had very similar answers : exercise, water, sleep, eat well, and go outside for a little bit as well as breaking things up into chunks. Maybe THAT'S how I felt like I got a lot more done last year... because I didn't overtly dwell on one aspect at a time but I rotated from one thing to the next between an hour and an hour and a half. Good stuff right?
Yesterday was fabulous for all the right reasons. It was one of those days that I deemed to be a lax day. But what I mean by that is it is really giving into whatever I want to do in whatever order with the exception of exercise because I have to do that first thing in the morning. the YES in yesterday was apparent. I allowed myself to do things in my own time, and only did but 30 minutes of each thing. If I felt that that was enough I moved right along. but if I became enamored with something. Why stop it? Sooo First off I started maybe even finished a bay side project. It was but a drawing of whatever I thought of drawn in white ink on black poster board. It was very random, I drew with what I felt from the music I was listening to at the time which, was the mortal kombat 2 video game soundtrack. It was weird to say the least as 99.9% of my art is... But the thing is is I just let it flow and it was organic... that was from me. I was not forcing much of anything. But I put that down after 30 minutes. I may pick it up the next lax day (Sunday) and add more... Or flip it onto the other side. Generally in the back of my mind I know then something is done. I feel that it actually is but when I go back to it I might have completely new additives to contribute. Next I packed up and did something that was very different and exciting. I walked out into the beautiful early autumn type weather and hit bigby coffee.. Oddly enough not black diesel... I'm not sure but I think I like where bigby is more... It has more of a scenic vibe to it overlooking one of my favorite parks and original filming location for a video that's very dear to me. I should definitely take that into account when I count my achievements in life. It may be all weird and janky and and stuff. But it IS MINE! I very nearly single-handedly came up and did everything. Which is great in regards to having 3 other people on my team (the smallest team in the class already) and two did not really care it seemed and the other one did, but she lived far away and had a lot of job stuff. But anyways, I remember it, working through a literal storm, utilizing the only time that I had in the computer room to make this as best as I could... Anyways, off subject. Sentimental attraction to the location. I actually brought my laptop with me. THAT itself is pretty unique. I sat down, and I got to work on a song from scratch, and I worked with it until my battery died about 2 - 2 1/2 hours later. I was amazed at how time went by and how focused I was for having people be around. Awesome though. I walked on home, and I took maybe 2 hours to myself... Not sure what? That eludes me. But then I took a shower and thought to myself I wanted a little bit more. What was that little bit more? The anthology... I really thought about it and I don't need it to be in alphabetical order at all. All I really needed to do was to make it so that the pages did not have incomplete poems on them... So more or less I just entered everything down. Then I asked the boyfriend if he could print it because I want a physical copy of the rough ROUGH draft. To change words and or punctuation revise it. But beyond me I want 3 others to review it. And then I will be on the hunt of someone to publish through. Or, self publish through whatever. The plan is to have it published by at latest Halloween. I want it digital, I want maybe 30 copies paperback, and one hardcover for myself because I love Hardcover but it's expensive. Maybe some places will sell it? Who knows. All I know is that I will be passing it along.
Wow, I guess I am giving the extended answer for everything.
CURRENT:
Well Right now I have already watched on of my music tutorials. which I found someone who teaches in an informative but casual tone. PERFECT! And then I am finishing up this rather lengthy blog, will drinking some nasty vanilla protein powder, milk, coffees, cinnamon concoction... The only thing making it a cup of yuck is the powder... the chocolate is better for some reason. Then... I will do job hunting on the basic sites, which usually takes about half an hour or less because of the overly high or low standards for jobs. Nothing Halloween or fall related YET! But I assume soon as it it is almost 100 days away... which in retail is when things start to appear for the following season. And then a walk, and some well needed cleaning, and more music, and then figuring out what to put on the red poster board to wrap up the day.
FUTURE:
Well, all of the closest things are next week which gives excitement for that week. First of the Witches thing! YAYYY. I doubt it but perhaps we'll have another fall type day. Then the following day the madness ensues when the art fair wakes up and fills the streets with tourists and hippies and yapping children. It's fun sometimes. But usually a giant mass of sweaty writhing skin moving at a crawling pace. I have to go ad report to my psychiatrist to let her know how the new medicine dosage is treating me on the second day of the fair.... which just so happens to be right downtown as well. Safe to say that I would not only want to walk to it, but I'd probably get to it faster walking... as the traffic is the main annoyance for most of the people who have lived here for years. and last... but my favorite bit of news. NEW CELLDWELLER MUSIC! Yes that's always a good time for me. So that means beginning Sunday I will be listening to his albums in order until the new one arrives. And then this month is pretty much washed up... I don't really ever recall my July's being eventful. I think for most people it is their favorite and their busiest and the just have everything to do. And my "july" is October. Which still needs a bit of preparation. Need to talk to the bf about that. We've got slightly more than 3 months to prepare, and three months is the bare minimum for planning things.
Okay, Goodbye!
^_^
<B
PAST:
Well, since I already tackled the camping trip what news is to be had? Not much...actually a whole lot of nothing really. Too much of it. I've been doing well enough, eating what and when I can. For some odd reason I have not received my food stamps for the month. So I am forced into a world of milk beans, and tuna... The essentials. The only things that I can say about it are sure it sucks, but it's doing some good, it's helping me eat less crap- even if involuntarily. It's also forcing me to be a little bit more creative with my food. So that's not all bad. Couple days ago when I felt down and out... and tired as fuck I looked up ways to build energy and I constructed a list to do so. It was going to be of 100 things, but I only got around to 50 seeing as a lot of the sites had very similar answers : exercise, water, sleep, eat well, and go outside for a little bit as well as breaking things up into chunks. Maybe THAT'S how I felt like I got a lot more done last year... because I didn't overtly dwell on one aspect at a time but I rotated from one thing to the next between an hour and an hour and a half. Good stuff right?
Yesterday was fabulous for all the right reasons. It was one of those days that I deemed to be a lax day. But what I mean by that is it is really giving into whatever I want to do in whatever order with the exception of exercise because I have to do that first thing in the morning. the YES in yesterday was apparent. I allowed myself to do things in my own time, and only did but 30 minutes of each thing. If I felt that that was enough I moved right along. but if I became enamored with something. Why stop it? Sooo First off I started maybe even finished a bay side project. It was but a drawing of whatever I thought of drawn in white ink on black poster board. It was very random, I drew with what I felt from the music I was listening to at the time which, was the mortal kombat 2 video game soundtrack. It was weird to say the least as 99.9% of my art is... But the thing is is I just let it flow and it was organic... that was from me. I was not forcing much of anything. But I put that down after 30 minutes. I may pick it up the next lax day (Sunday) and add more... Or flip it onto the other side. Generally in the back of my mind I know then something is done. I feel that it actually is but when I go back to it I might have completely new additives to contribute. Next I packed up and did something that was very different and exciting. I walked out into the beautiful early autumn type weather and hit bigby coffee.. Oddly enough not black diesel... I'm not sure but I think I like where bigby is more... It has more of a scenic vibe to it overlooking one of my favorite parks and original filming location for a video that's very dear to me. I should definitely take that into account when I count my achievements in life. It may be all weird and janky and and stuff. But it IS MINE! I very nearly single-handedly came up and did everything. Which is great in regards to having 3 other people on my team (the smallest team in the class already) and two did not really care it seemed and the other one did, but she lived far away and had a lot of job stuff. But anyways, I remember it, working through a literal storm, utilizing the only time that I had in the computer room to make this as best as I could... Anyways, off subject. Sentimental attraction to the location. I actually brought my laptop with me. THAT itself is pretty unique. I sat down, and I got to work on a song from scratch, and I worked with it until my battery died about 2 - 2 1/2 hours later. I was amazed at how time went by and how focused I was for having people be around. Awesome though. I walked on home, and I took maybe 2 hours to myself... Not sure what? That eludes me. But then I took a shower and thought to myself I wanted a little bit more. What was that little bit more? The anthology... I really thought about it and I don't need it to be in alphabetical order at all. All I really needed to do was to make it so that the pages did not have incomplete poems on them... So more or less I just entered everything down. Then I asked the boyfriend if he could print it because I want a physical copy of the rough ROUGH draft. To change words and or punctuation revise it. But beyond me I want 3 others to review it. And then I will be on the hunt of someone to publish through. Or, self publish through whatever. The plan is to have it published by at latest Halloween. I want it digital, I want maybe 30 copies paperback, and one hardcover for myself because I love Hardcover but it's expensive. Maybe some places will sell it? Who knows. All I know is that I will be passing it along.
Wow, I guess I am giving the extended answer for everything.
CURRENT:
Well Right now I have already watched on of my music tutorials. which I found someone who teaches in an informative but casual tone. PERFECT! And then I am finishing up this rather lengthy blog, will drinking some nasty vanilla protein powder, milk, coffees, cinnamon concoction... The only thing making it a cup of yuck is the powder... the chocolate is better for some reason. Then... I will do job hunting on the basic sites, which usually takes about half an hour or less because of the overly high or low standards for jobs. Nothing Halloween or fall related YET! But I assume soon as it it is almost 100 days away... which in retail is when things start to appear for the following season. And then a walk, and some well needed cleaning, and more music, and then figuring out what to put on the red poster board to wrap up the day.
FUTURE:
Well, all of the closest things are next week which gives excitement for that week. First of the Witches thing! YAYYY. I doubt it but perhaps we'll have another fall type day. Then the following day the madness ensues when the art fair wakes up and fills the streets with tourists and hippies and yapping children. It's fun sometimes. But usually a giant mass of sweaty writhing skin moving at a crawling pace. I have to go ad report to my psychiatrist to let her know how the new medicine dosage is treating me on the second day of the fair.... which just so happens to be right downtown as well. Safe to say that I would not only want to walk to it, but I'd probably get to it faster walking... as the traffic is the main annoyance for most of the people who have lived here for years. and last... but my favorite bit of news. NEW CELLDWELLER MUSIC! Yes that's always a good time for me. So that means beginning Sunday I will be listening to his albums in order until the new one arrives. And then this month is pretty much washed up... I don't really ever recall my July's being eventful. I think for most people it is their favorite and their busiest and the just have everything to do. And my "july" is October. Which still needs a bit of preparation. Need to talk to the bf about that. We've got slightly more than 3 months to prepare, and three months is the bare minimum for planning things.
Okay, Goodbye!
^_^
<B
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Rhinoceros Pudding
Trust me, you don't want any... >_>
It's been a minute since I have (successfully) done any sort of posting. I have tried to have videos a couple of days in a row now and have had to abandon them because youtube has been taking FOREVER to upload them. No, matter here's what's been going down.
PAST: I do not know where I left off really in terms of things so, I'll start off with the last staple if you will. I saw mom for her birthday. It was a good time, got her out of the house and to see a lot of things downtown and the movie spy with Melissa McCarthy. Which had dick in it... like front and center stuff... awkward.... But yeah. The second cake turned out way better than I had thought, especially in regard to the added candy melt coating under the frosting... LOVED IT. But I think I was more fond of it than mom or the boyfriend and thus I ate nearly 6/8 of it. *shrugs* trying to be better about things now.
I've not had a drop of ketchup in about 2 weeks I'm proud to say... But I've been eating spaghetti sauce. One vice for another I suppose. Because in the last 11 days I've eaten 10.5 lbs of sauce... heh ^_^*.... but I plan to try and stop sauces sooner or later as they add so much more to what I've eaten for the day... especially in the way that I drown my food in condiment of choice.
Started counseling, that's pretty neato. I like the counselor I think we're a good team thus far... I don't feel hated surprisingly. The place I'm going to for this is actually kind of religious I found out later... Hehe I just had to auto correct religious... that's how much I type that word... But yeah it's working out great so far.
Lastly, I just got back from seeing the psychiatrist today, and we think that some changes in meds might be in order due to fluctuations and such. She basically told me that that my current medication is acting as a bumper to keep me balanced between manic and depressed... and while I've still been getting both of these, she said that if I was to not be taking anything that the highs and lows would be even higher and even lower... NOPE! So the plan is to up the dosage from 200 mg to 300 mg for 2 weeks and see what that looks like. We might even need to add on a little extra.
CURRENTLY: I'm sitting at my desk uncomfortably shifting back and forth to not feel like my gut is jutting out. Of course I am also typing this. Thinking about all of the awesome walking I have been doing lately... It's not really doing anything... but it somehow gives me a sense of accomplishment. I got home... I cleaned the kitchen... I watered the plant... Doing this... Want to check out my little alter boy... HEY PERV it's not as it sounds, it's a Vocoder (voice modulating plugin) ' for Fl Studio... do a little prodding around for potential work, and look into the secret shopping biz with my BF sometime this weekend hopefully. I might not get to all of the rest of the stuff today but we'll see. I'm glad that I am in just such a productive and happy mood. ANNNDDDD 808 (a type of 80's drum machine) roll! THE NEW CELLDWELLER CHAPTER 4 :"DEATH" is coming out on the 17th of next month! yes, the conclusion but not the end of the album.
FUTURE!!!: This weekend is one of the biggest staples of the summer for me... Actually even the year!
It's been a minute since I have (successfully) done any sort of posting. I have tried to have videos a couple of days in a row now and have had to abandon them because youtube has been taking FOREVER to upload them. No, matter here's what's been going down.
PAST: I do not know where I left off really in terms of things so, I'll start off with the last staple if you will. I saw mom for her birthday. It was a good time, got her out of the house and to see a lot of things downtown and the movie spy with Melissa McCarthy. Which had dick in it... like front and center stuff... awkward.... But yeah. The second cake turned out way better than I had thought, especially in regard to the added candy melt coating under the frosting... LOVED IT. But I think I was more fond of it than mom or the boyfriend and thus I ate nearly 6/8 of it. *shrugs* trying to be better about things now.
I've not had a drop of ketchup in about 2 weeks I'm proud to say... But I've been eating spaghetti sauce. One vice for another I suppose. Because in the last 11 days I've eaten 10.5 lbs of sauce... heh ^_^*.... but I plan to try and stop sauces sooner or later as they add so much more to what I've eaten for the day... especially in the way that I drown my food in condiment of choice.
Started counseling, that's pretty neato. I like the counselor I think we're a good team thus far... I don't feel hated surprisingly. The place I'm going to for this is actually kind of religious I found out later... Hehe I just had to auto correct religious... that's how much I type that word... But yeah it's working out great so far.
Lastly, I just got back from seeing the psychiatrist today, and we think that some changes in meds might be in order due to fluctuations and such. She basically told me that that my current medication is acting as a bumper to keep me balanced between manic and depressed... and while I've still been getting both of these, she said that if I was to not be taking anything that the highs and lows would be even higher and even lower... NOPE! So the plan is to up the dosage from 200 mg to 300 mg for 2 weeks and see what that looks like. We might even need to add on a little extra.
CURRENTLY: I'm sitting at my desk uncomfortably shifting back and forth to not feel like my gut is jutting out. Of course I am also typing this. Thinking about all of the awesome walking I have been doing lately... It's not really doing anything... but it somehow gives me a sense of accomplishment. I got home... I cleaned the kitchen... I watered the plant... Doing this... Want to check out my little alter boy... HEY PERV it's not as it sounds, it's a Vocoder (voice modulating plugin) ' for Fl Studio... do a little prodding around for potential work, and look into the secret shopping biz with my BF sometime this weekend hopefully. I might not get to all of the rest of the stuff today but we'll see. I'm glad that I am in just such a productive and happy mood. ANNNDDDD 808 (a type of 80's drum machine) roll! THE NEW CELLDWELLER CHAPTER 4 :"DEATH" is coming out on the 17th of next month! yes, the conclusion but not the end of the album.
FUTURE!!!: This weekend is one of the biggest staples of the summer for me... Actually even the year!
- THE TURTLE RACE 6/27/15
- FULL MOON 07/01/15
- CAMPING! 07/03 - 07/05
- INVADER ZIM COMIC 07/08/15
I've got a couple further out but I'll save them for a little later.
Yes, just a brief word on camping. Never have. Should be interesting. I get a hatchet... bear with me I'll have adult supervision. I'm also excited about burnt food, and exploding things (Fourth Of July)... It's gonna be at a very gay area... I'm sure I'll be hearing the obligatory "Firework" by Katy Perry ... That'll probably be the worst part of it. :D
<B
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
dead skin
Okay, I said I'd be chipper. Fake- It- Till -yamakeit # bad muthafucka. But yeah this last weekend felt really good starting out with the said haunted garage sale. This was a gathering formed by a crew I never knew existed called the Motor City Haunt Club. After all this time scouting for other like beings... I found some gathered under one roof rejoicing in orange and black. There was a mixture of both purchased and custom made products. I got a couple of things. I got some mini figures of Ash from Evil Dead, Chucky, and Sammy from Trick R Treat- he is my favorite! And, he like Ash, were the last available! Sammy is mainly my favorite because he the film he is from made him a very distinct face of Halloween for me... He's menacing and adorable. I also got a Nosferatu poster- which is pretty great due to seeing that for my first time last year with a live organ being played in the background. The deathbird's song sings. Due to the weird feeling I've been having though... I didn't take from the experience what I should have... I was still highly guarded and even then couldn't make sense of it. But I least I've joined the group. ^_^
The birthday party for the BF's niece was really cute. I spoke to most everyone ... after some Angry orchard.. probably couldn't have done it otherwise. I ate so much... sugar and white bread lol. I'm not condemning myself for it though. good. This was a really great weekend.
Still pacing around my head on the right next steps to take... don't want to make a side-step on a narrow path by accident... likewise, I don' want to underestimate any heights I could fall from. that's all I'll say about that because I'm tired of talking about it... I have to deal with it. I'll do what I must.
the new Celldweller album is awesome (as expected) the lyrics to the song "Lost in Time" resonate EXACTLY with what I'm thinking about lately.
" A problem im not solving
Eternally revolving
I wandered from the pathway
Praying you will come to save me
I feel lost in time
but if I wait for direction my lifetime will pass me by
I feel lost in time
I think if live for forever this feeling will never die"
<B
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
At the end of an empire..
^_^ Fangirling!!!
Well, due to preordering the new Celldweller album I just got the free download of the single from it!!! It's very different, more rock oriented than the last it seems... but with a name like End of an Empire... it's not gonna sound like a dance album.
This weekend was pretty F---- awesome. Didn't do too much but it was really nice. There was a lot of food involved as many other peoples. There was alcohol... last time I drank was... a month and a half ago. So, my drinking isn't very prevalent. Ummm, I haven't used ketchup in about a week believe it or not... barely using condiments... using the hell out of deli mustard... which it like 1/3 as bad for me as ketchup. Got some caramel apples... new cologne shaped like a skull. FINALLY got some eye liner too, so I can now do more test runs for my husky make-up. After all, October is only a month away!!! Have you seen all of the displays and the caramel apples... I saw an open orchard... Yes, it's true... And, since I check the weather religiously it says that this is the last week that will feel like summer. I just came...
Health wise this weekend has been good. I've been pretty alive and alert I feel... It could be the sugar I was ingesting or!... I bumped my wake time to 7am... Not only does that feel more natural for me... but I feel better throughout the day. I had a couple of dizzy spells ... but I don't know why... I ate everything all day for the entire weekend... I only drink water and plenty of it so... I'm not dehydrated. Odd. Today, I get to go to the best class I have ever taken so far! This is going to be pretty great. You need a little something everyday I feel to help push you along... Or I do I at least.. I need some positive things for my day to go well. I get excited about going, I come back all excited that I'm learning more. I've made some very wise decisions this weekend. I figure I'll go for one certificate at a time! Why not?? because first off, it'd be a little less confusing and that way I could be taking classes that interlock and I could easily get one certificate out of the way by going full time every semester. I have to fight to live beyond my upbringings. The one thing that I love... is I may quit for a minute or two... but I never stop thinking... and I'm persistent. I guess that's two heh. ALSO! I think I'm going to not go for the comic idea just yet... I think I'm going to work on writing the story see where that goes, if someone will publish it, or if I have to etc. So, I don't lose all of my other ideas I decided to just work on them all sporadically, as they all are some extension of me... some projects are bound to pull more from you than others... you'll never know unless you give them all fair chance rather than... no... just working on this.... I also feel this is how a lot of writers, musicians, and other people who put stuff out rather quickly do it... Is they were in the process of working on this or that before their last work was put out for the public.... So, let try it!
WEEEHHOOOOOO!! It's time for things I'm looking forward to!
There are surprisingly a lot more this month than I would have believed! To kick things off, Tonight's episode of faceoff is going to be the competition of the judges!!! Badass!!!! Next, I start drivers training the same days that are seemingly going to sail off into the cool depths of the fall. Then Next Tuesday.. is a full moon!!! Then over the weekend more training and my boyfriend's niece's princess themed birthday party... I'm going to dress up... you know... as a prince ;p. Then... Celldweller's new album the following Tuesday. The next Tuesday is the Autumn equinox. The last Tuesday of this month is Gerard Way's solo album. I told you September is only a prelude to October. <B
Well, due to preordering the new Celldweller album I just got the free download of the single from it!!! It's very different, more rock oriented than the last it seems... but with a name like End of an Empire... it's not gonna sound like a dance album.
This weekend was pretty F---- awesome. Didn't do too much but it was really nice. There was a lot of food involved as many other peoples. There was alcohol... last time I drank was... a month and a half ago. So, my drinking isn't very prevalent. Ummm, I haven't used ketchup in about a week believe it or not... barely using condiments... using the hell out of deli mustard... which it like 1/3 as bad for me as ketchup. Got some caramel apples... new cologne shaped like a skull. FINALLY got some eye liner too, so I can now do more test runs for my husky make-up. After all, October is only a month away!!! Have you seen all of the displays and the caramel apples... I saw an open orchard... Yes, it's true... And, since I check the weather religiously it says that this is the last week that will feel like summer. I just came...
Health wise this weekend has been good. I've been pretty alive and alert I feel... It could be the sugar I was ingesting or!... I bumped my wake time to 7am... Not only does that feel more natural for me... but I feel better throughout the day. I had a couple of dizzy spells ... but I don't know why... I ate everything all day for the entire weekend... I only drink water and plenty of it so... I'm not dehydrated. Odd. Today, I get to go to the best class I have ever taken so far! This is going to be pretty great. You need a little something everyday I feel to help push you along... Or I do I at least.. I need some positive things for my day to go well. I get excited about going, I come back all excited that I'm learning more. I've made some very wise decisions this weekend. I figure I'll go for one certificate at a time! Why not?? because first off, it'd be a little less confusing and that way I could be taking classes that interlock and I could easily get one certificate out of the way by going full time every semester. I have to fight to live beyond my upbringings. The one thing that I love... is I may quit for a minute or two... but I never stop thinking... and I'm persistent. I guess that's two heh. ALSO! I think I'm going to not go for the comic idea just yet... I think I'm going to work on writing the story see where that goes, if someone will publish it, or if I have to etc. So, I don't lose all of my other ideas I decided to just work on them all sporadically, as they all are some extension of me... some projects are bound to pull more from you than others... you'll never know unless you give them all fair chance rather than... no... just working on this.... I also feel this is how a lot of writers, musicians, and other people who put stuff out rather quickly do it... Is they were in the process of working on this or that before their last work was put out for the public.... So, let try it!
WEEEHHOOOOOO!! It's time for things I'm looking forward to!
There are surprisingly a lot more this month than I would have believed! To kick things off, Tonight's episode of faceoff is going to be the competition of the judges!!! Badass!!!! Next, I start drivers training the same days that are seemingly going to sail off into the cool depths of the fall. Then Next Tuesday.. is a full moon!!! Then over the weekend more training and my boyfriend's niece's princess themed birthday party... I'm going to dress up... you know... as a prince ;p. Then... Celldweller's new album the following Tuesday. The next Tuesday is the Autumn equinox. The last Tuesday of this month is Gerard Way's solo album. I told you September is only a prelude to October. <B
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Let's make like a witch (And hang)
Of late, I've decided it's time to extend into some untapped sources. Have I really been thinking for so many years that my wishes would magnetize to me? Well no, no Bry!
Very recently (last night) when left alone with my thoughts I kept on listening to a song in my head called " Own Little World" By Celldweller. Basically one of my fav songs. But the lyric I honed in on was "dream of a world for me and my kind". It kept on replay.
I thought to myself as the time draws near to the fall. When I had taken my film class I really enjoyed the felling of being in a group. I think that's what I liked most about the simpler days of being in high school. It's a great feeling, going as a team and discussing ideas, thoughts whatever.
But anyways, when I was in said group. I had to be so much to it, I had to be it's power source. Not specifically because I wanted the helm but because I had to or the assignment would not have existed. Though I had a very reluctant crew, I still have a very fond memory of the only shooting date that we had. Pizza, a mime, and clowns, and a dreary fall storm that washed us all into the confines of one of our houses.
This might have also been respectfully (to myself) the feeling of accomplishment and progression. and through all the headaches and clenched teeth. I felt love, and I felt most competent out of my class. My group received the highest grade in class. I scored it, I wrote it out, I did the story board, I directed. produced, edited, I provided props. So if it drags you out but you want it... I dunno I just feel a good amount of inspiration.
Long story short, I'm looking to build my little world. Or find one to merge one. Being a lone roving planet is only good for so much. So, craigslist and other social media, school clubs, meet-ups and other such things. Ill see if I can restore something I've been so craving for VERY long time.
Crossed fingers, four leafed clovers, and falling stars for me <B
Very recently (last night) when left alone with my thoughts I kept on listening to a song in my head called " Own Little World" By Celldweller. Basically one of my fav songs. But the lyric I honed in on was "dream of a world for me and my kind". It kept on replay.
I thought to myself as the time draws near to the fall. When I had taken my film class I really enjoyed the felling of being in a group. I think that's what I liked most about the simpler days of being in high school. It's a great feeling, going as a team and discussing ideas, thoughts whatever.
But anyways, when I was in said group. I had to be so much to it, I had to be it's power source. Not specifically because I wanted the helm but because I had to or the assignment would not have existed. Though I had a very reluctant crew, I still have a very fond memory of the only shooting date that we had. Pizza, a mime, and clowns, and a dreary fall storm that washed us all into the confines of one of our houses.
This might have also been respectfully (to myself) the feeling of accomplishment and progression. and through all the headaches and clenched teeth. I felt love, and I felt most competent out of my class. My group received the highest grade in class. I scored it, I wrote it out, I did the story board, I directed. produced, edited, I provided props. So if it drags you out but you want it... I dunno I just feel a good amount of inspiration.
Long story short, I'm looking to build my little world. Or find one to merge one. Being a lone roving planet is only good for so much. So, craigslist and other social media, school clubs, meet-ups and other such things. Ill see if I can restore something I've been so craving for VERY long time.
Crossed fingers, four leafed clovers, and falling stars for me <B
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