P is for Privacy

Yeah, I've not been feeling the videos the last couple of days.... not at all.

Today I once again have that weird feeling... a paranoid, lonely feeling I keep in mind and look to eject. It's nice out so, I know I'll go and venture into that. Well, in part because I want to and in part because i have to, so that's a combination that can't be beat when priority meets playtime.

I have to go and return a piece of equipment to the library and then try something else out from there!

but yeah... just been down... down that I can't seem to get what I want in terms of sound.. In terms of not getting out enough, in terms of finding the right work for myself.

BUT, those are the thoughts of my inner child.... Those "I don't want to go to school today thoughts". I know my inner parent... (in no relation to what my actual parents would say) Would say that... if you don't like something then you have to work for a change.

The truth does sting and a lot of times I drag my feet... But when I actually take the first couple heavy steps... the weight I force gradually lessens.

These blogs are really good for me and the main reason that I do them is to vent and to have someone to talk to who I KNOW will listen.... I'm not leading a legacy or anything of that sort... my life is open to all who want to hear about it... but there is not that much to know... I don't go to clubs... My social outing are few and far between and my successful outings are close to being even fewer... It's whatever I am not speaking negatively just being honest.

Think of the small of things... I need to rally together some new things soon.. I used to have this lovely little coffee shop I'd walk to... It's gone... It seems like all of my favorite things are for niche markets or a very exclusive taste... And it's fun until it's discontinued or people can't relate... Oh well.

I think I might try my hand at a social outing later... MIGHT ... I accidentally turned on the italics by the keyboard... wonder how I did that....

*note to self : actually try and start learning the key commands for things. *

It's taken us this long just to remotely type this fast Bryan... Sure, this post has taken about 15 minutes... but given my past writing capabilities.. I'd say we're doing pretty damn fine...

Btw this is often how my inner dialogue goes... is we...

We enjoy it. 

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hollow

Today is weird, it's a teaser for what's to come . Nice weather. It seems like color is starting to fade back into view. But I am slipping a little. I feel very numb... I wanted to cry today but I couldn't I can't remember the last time I had a genuine release of emotion in that way... It's concerning to me.

It's very exciting when I have emotions for me . Because I do feel like I don't have them sometimes. I'll try my best to list off the things on my mind. and then elaborate.

I'm trying to balance my body (that's just something that will likely always be there), trying to find work that I can manage to do without having any episodes, trying to work on what I know I want to do (in relation to sound) I'm trying to listen with my gut. Not my mind or heart, and trying to be welcoming to people all at once. I tunnel vision a lot of the time so when I see something at high priority is is usually in my sights the most (as it should be) That being said I usually want to only go after that one thing... and anytime I do anything aside from that I feel like I have failed or slacked off. I tire myself by honing in on the one thing... sometimes I'm able to shift tasks non-judgmentally but that is super tricky.

I don't know. I feel that I have an emotional callous on me. I'm trying to shut things out a bit... because if I let them in enough... I'd not be proactive. Bad enough the thoughts are looming about in the back of my head. Thoughts like... fear of money, not wanting to settle-job-wise this time, so that I give a crap and do well. But for the most part I'll do just fine the less dealing with people face to face I have to do. Being kind a loner ... not being a lot further along for my age etc.

While I do have counter arguments for all of these it doesn't mean that the thoughts go away completely. The thing I keep having to say lately for instance is that - Okay, you don't have friends. but what do you have? You have stuff to get done that is more important than someone to "hang out" with. You've been a loner all of your life the scene is pretty much set. So, use that time in a constructive manner Bry.

I have an old soul though, and that's something that a lot of people especially people my age don't get. I don't care for clubs I find them pointless... Sure once and a while maybe.. But there is a lot better and more constructive things to be doing. I don't take selfies every 5 seconds.

No, I enjoy nature, coffee/ tea, the arts, sound, A complicated person with a love of simple things.
I've yet to meet people like that. I suppose I don't know where to look? Perhaps not. But undoubtedly. I will not find them milling about loud music in a space packed full of loud people.

It's challenging, fun and sad all at the same time ... never fitting in to one category. I don't identify as anything,... the closest I'd identify myself as a non-smoking hippy. Which... yeah is the opposite of club goers. I have common interests from many subcultures but I'm not in depth with any one in particular, I like going to nudist things, and being naked... not all the time so I don't consider myself a nudist... I like dark imagery and kind of edgy things but I'm not a goth... I'm not serious enough to be one of those... that and it's nearly a life commitment I'm seeing from many people. That's cool... for them... I disagree with a ton of things politics, religion, and the like, I love punk culture and style and know a lot about it but. I'm not punk... So all of these things and more... I guess to a degree a lot of people just identify with a default crowd.. When I have never fully embraced any of them. I like them all and I keep evolving to satisfy my interests. Stagnating, is common... but I really hope to learn and see more .

I think in that regard, I'd need a very specific type of friend. open to new things with an eclectic taste. Not many of those. I'm my own puzzle piece that fit's in to somethings but not wholly. So, until I find that friend I feel that maybe it's best that I'm a free agent.

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B00M

Teehehhee

Last couple days A.K.A the weekend were cool in a big way.

(not sure when my last post was, probably like wednesday or something. )

Friday was weird, when I let my issues kind of take over, and just ate, and slept, and did nothing... Yeah, one of those. 

Saturday was different. Lately, I've stressing on the two major factors in my life right now which is trying to learn what I want to learn in the realm of sound, and two finding work to hold things down until the move to Florida. (Finding out locations to move and such is it's own story. 

Last week I fretted, going back and forth from the plan of doing have a day of sound, and half a day of music.... to doing one day music, one day jobs. Both of these stressed me out.

In the past, I would think about things so much and stress so much importance in things that I kind of paralyzed myself. This was the case with the two patterns I was attempting. i was coming at them all wrong really. I should be doing both everyday, with the job as my predominant focus, but darting to the sound and music when I need a break. I learned this on Saturday when I didn't feel I HAD to do anything. it was in the back of my head I and I did it.  Same with other chores and wants that I have. I should really just do them in the time that I get tired or frustrated with the job hunt, and music, but of course return back to the hunt. it's good to have a more of a want mentality than a need. For the most part we all want what we need. When you want something (in my case at least) I am more inclined to move. 

Yeah Saturday was a good one. because I came up with some other great solutions and what not. 

School: I will not be taking classes in the spring. There are about 2 or three classes I want left and I can utilize the summer to begin work back up. I would definitely have to start work though... or stretch 1,000 over the course of 4 months 0.o Financial aid would give a cash boost in the fall, and I would not have to start paying back my loans until about the time we move to Florida. It sounds like I'm trying to skip out but I fully intend on paying it back. When I work I will even set aside money just for that purpose. The more I organize the faster and stronger I become at things.

Work: I need to for multiple reasons. First is to help my Boyfriend. Second is to start building up cash to start paying my loans back. Third is that I want money to feed into the new sound habit... It's really addictive when you start to learn about things. The plan is to look for more of freelance jobs at first, searching for those types of jobs for about a month.. The beauty with a lot of the ones I'm looking at is that I could do multiple jobs that equal out to one regular job. I have no problem with that considering that I get bored pretty easy. The most I've ever stayed with one job is a year by choice. The only thing with looking for work outside of retail and fast food is that there is quite a lot of uncertainty. let's say Macy's is hiring, you know it's legit because it's a big well known name. burger king the same thing. Venturing outside of those realms though, risks must be taken. The only way to really know in a lot of ways for anything really is to try it. do it. Worst thing, it doesn't work. You won't die. 

 Part two of the work hunt plan is to look at truck loaders. That or as a final option. Working overnights. I might have stressed before that working nights might be an issue for my well being... Hard for me to judge completely because that last time I did (and had a mental breakdown) there was so much that I wasn't used to that I overloaded and crashed. A poor diet of sugar, salt, and grease, Energy drinks and coffee constantly pumping through my veins. Two back to back jobs that equaled to about 16 hours a day or more, and I had a mental disorder that had not even been diagnosed yet. So, I might be able to work nights, who knows. The only issue I'll have is I'll miss the sun. But to me I just have to balance the dislikes of missing the sun to the dislike of dealing with people. People can make or break a work experience, I'd in the very least like to have some awesome coworkers, let alone care about what it is I'm doing or selling. I'd be way more proficient than feeling like I just lied to a person between my teeth about some terrible product they just bought. 

Self joy. Not masturbation. I know that it is truly good for one to do at least one thing for them self a day if not a couple small things. It will help fuel you by making you feel good, and the cycle goes on. I'm going to try and practice this again, when I get stumped in all of my online ventures. (did you know that staring at a screen too long can actually make you tired? I didn't. Love psychology) One of the ways I'll capture some magic daily is to just sit and listen to music, do nothing else just sit with headphones in kind of a meditated state. I used to do this a lot when I was younger and it helped me to open my head and be a little more creative and invested in doing things. The other is walking. Especially now that the sun is starting to show more. If we get through this month like this. There's a pretty good chance that Michigan's spring has sprung. 

Alright, that's all Going to check the weather, probably walk, and then get to work.

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dead skin

Okay, I said I'd be chipper. Fake- It- Till -yamakeit # bad muthafucka. But yeah this last weekend felt really good starting out with the said haunted garage sale. This was a gathering formed by a crew I never knew existed called the Motor City Haunt Club. After all this time scouting for other like beings... I found some gathered under one roof rejoicing in orange and black. There was a mixture of both purchased and custom made products. I got a couple of things. I got some mini figures of  Ash from Evil Dead, Chucky, and Sammy from Trick R Treat- he is my favorite! And, he like Ash, were the last available! Sammy is mainly my favorite because he the film he is from made him a very distinct face of Halloween for me...  He's menacing and adorable. I also got a Nosferatu poster- which is pretty great due to seeing that for my first time last year with a live organ being played in the background. The deathbird's song sings. Due to the weird feeling I've been having though... I didn't take from the experience what I should have... I was still highly guarded and even then couldn't make sense of it. But I least I've joined the group. ^_^

The birthday party for the BF's niece was really cute. I spoke to most everyone ... after some Angry orchard.. probably couldn't have done it otherwise. I ate so much... sugar and white bread lol. I'm not condemning myself for it though. good. This was a really great weekend.

Still pacing around my head on the right next steps to take... don't want to make a side-step on a narrow path by accident... likewise, I don' want to underestimate any heights I could fall from. that's all I'll say about that because I'm tired of talking about it... I have to deal with it. I'll do what I must.

the new Celldweller album is awesome (as expected) the lyrics to the song "Lost in Time" resonate EXACTLY with what I'm thinking about lately.

" A problem im not solving
Eternally revolving
I wandered from the pathway
Praying you will come to save me

I feel lost in time
but if I wait for direction my lifetime will pass me by
I feel lost in time
I think if live for forever this feeling will never die"  

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