hollow

Today is weird, it's a teaser for what's to come . Nice weather. It seems like color is starting to fade back into view. But I am slipping a little. I feel very numb... I wanted to cry today but I couldn't I can't remember the last time I had a genuine release of emotion in that way... It's concerning to me.

It's very exciting when I have emotions for me . Because I do feel like I don't have them sometimes. I'll try my best to list off the things on my mind. and then elaborate.

I'm trying to balance my body (that's just something that will likely always be there), trying to find work that I can manage to do without having any episodes, trying to work on what I know I want to do (in relation to sound) I'm trying to listen with my gut. Not my mind or heart, and trying to be welcoming to people all at once. I tunnel vision a lot of the time so when I see something at high priority is is usually in my sights the most (as it should be) That being said I usually want to only go after that one thing... and anytime I do anything aside from that I feel like I have failed or slacked off. I tire myself by honing in on the one thing... sometimes I'm able to shift tasks non-judgmentally but that is super tricky.

I don't know. I feel that I have an emotional callous on me. I'm trying to shut things out a bit... because if I let them in enough... I'd not be proactive. Bad enough the thoughts are looming about in the back of my head. Thoughts like... fear of money, not wanting to settle-job-wise this time, so that I give a crap and do well. But for the most part I'll do just fine the less dealing with people face to face I have to do. Being kind a loner ... not being a lot further along for my age etc.

While I do have counter arguments for all of these it doesn't mean that the thoughts go away completely. The thing I keep having to say lately for instance is that - Okay, you don't have friends. but what do you have? You have stuff to get done that is more important than someone to "hang out" with. You've been a loner all of your life the scene is pretty much set. So, use that time in a constructive manner Bry.

I have an old soul though, and that's something that a lot of people especially people my age don't get. I don't care for clubs I find them pointless... Sure once and a while maybe.. But there is a lot better and more constructive things to be doing. I don't take selfies every 5 seconds.

No, I enjoy nature, coffee/ tea, the arts, sound, A complicated person with a love of simple things.
I've yet to meet people like that. I suppose I don't know where to look? Perhaps not. But undoubtedly. I will not find them milling about loud music in a space packed full of loud people.

It's challenging, fun and sad all at the same time ... never fitting in to one category. I don't identify as anything,... the closest I'd identify myself as a non-smoking hippy. Which... yeah is the opposite of club goers. I have common interests from many subcultures but I'm not in depth with any one in particular, I like going to nudist things, and being naked... not all the time so I don't consider myself a nudist... I like dark imagery and kind of edgy things but I'm not a goth... I'm not serious enough to be one of those... that and it's nearly a life commitment I'm seeing from many people. That's cool... for them... I disagree with a ton of things politics, religion, and the like, I love punk culture and style and know a lot about it but. I'm not punk... So all of these things and more... I guess to a degree a lot of people just identify with a default crowd.. When I have never fully embraced any of them. I like them all and I keep evolving to satisfy my interests. Stagnating, is common... but I really hope to learn and see more .

I think in that regard, I'd need a very specific type of friend. open to new things with an eclectic taste. Not many of those. I'm my own puzzle piece that fit's in to somethings but not wholly. So, until I find that friend I feel that maybe it's best that I'm a free agent.

<B