The clouds are your enemy

So, lock your cross hairs

Translation:....

                                ....... [ Aim high].....


I resolute to aim up. I feel that what better way to discover where we are, than to figure out where we are not.

Sounds confusing just typing it. But what I mean is I feel that by aiming for more this year, that should I not make all of it... I've still achieved a whole lot. hence the aiming for the deadlines of 4 times a month with the music. for one, that helps me to focus. there will be a lot of that this year,

[{(FOCUS)}]

a key term for 2015

For me it will be all about collecting my totems and keeping them. Sure, I've made leaps in the direction of confidence and hope that I can do whatever. I went to some parties the past couple of days and I did really well. I did not crumble under my own impressions of how I'd be seen. Nope, instead I sold myself as is. And turns out people accepted it. Well, not all but thats to be expected.

I know far well the things and the amount of focus in which i'd need to do them. I realized that my mornings, though fairly organized and what not... are still kind of loose. I have a formula but it's not all that time sensitive. But the more productive and fulfilling part of me beckons for more time... So, I'm going to start timing myself, counting in my head and or setting an external phone alarm if I must. I get distracted.. I get caught up... take fairly unnecessary detours.

Same applies to health and my back and forth efforts. After 2014 is toast my eating habits simply must return to whee they were prior to september when I said it was okay to eat certain things... before my eye malfunctioned and sent me into a malicious effort to self soothe, and before I gobbled and guzzled myself to an unsatisfactory form... I'm cool though, I know I can kill it. Unlike prior weight gains... I have been fully aware of it all... when I was eating bad things, bad times etc.. When you know and accept things is when it makes things easier. Thus, I'm not as affected by this with anger and sadness I might have been before. Not to say that I'm not a little bummed. Oh well! ;p.

But the focus on that, especially with school, will be to eat healthy, eat enough, work out, eat things that dont need refrigeration, or a microwave, and has protein etc. Tough thus far.. it's not a formula I was ready for. So I need to study that as well I suppose.

Again, I'll have to be ( I wanted to type merciless) persistent in order to achieve things for my music... to wrap up my poetry... because things of this nature seldom "just happen". I came to a weird thought yesterday, it makes sense- the direction I'm headed in. I've never really been conventional. Why would my ultimate calling be? I feel no passion for everyday dreams that most little kids look up to. When I was little I was told I could be anything... I've also seen patterns.. Been in and out of choir, love music, always talking about it, always wanted a band... and persistence. nearly everything I put down I'll pick back up at some point... even if it's just to reflect and examine it. But most things I'll try in 3's. I'll seldom remove ideas from my head completely. music,

I've reached an untapped reserve of myself that's always been a part of me. It's filled with insight... but most of all curiosity a huge motivation for most anything that I have ever done at my best. be it art of anything else. Everything is a science experiment. I'm conducting tests again. What I mean is, I'm exploring possibilities, even in social circumstances. I'm trying to see what interaction gets what reactions,... what I can get away with saying... what is tactful, and how do I do it? is it like tactical? Do I get a vest? FOCUS... Ah, yes I guess you say that in essence I am now testing my voice, my very presence in the world... and I'm making more of a blip on the radar than years prior.

Well, since it is nearly 1 in the morning and I cannot sleep right now... I'm entitled to be unfocused and leave you with the last thing rattling itself onto the screen.

The first four songs of the year will be

Ascend (30 second intro)

Gilded

Hierarchy

Midas

These are just titles, I have to let them happen organically. I want them to have a theme each month but... they will not necessarily sound interconnected.

I might not post till the new year... if not 2015 HARK! (but if I do it'll be top 10 lists those are always fun right?....RIGHT?!?!... oh crickets I missed you. <B

You did the hokie pokie?!!! Who with?!?!

So yeah, I've been handling myself rather well all things considered... (not that things are inherently bad or anything no.) It's almost always an internal thing for me. But I've been dealing with it... I've been having major successes lately. They would be minute to most... but for me they are almost on the cusp of miraculous.

I've been learning to converse with those around me. I've been maintaining what to say and how to be tactful about it. You see, for the longest time I had been afraid to say what was on my mind for fear of ridicule or someone not understanding. But I've taken the liberty of reassuring myself that, that does not matter in most situations. I am making my way to being who I want to be.

But anyways, I've had some really beautiful and positive experiences, even in my little winter slum. At the first of the month I had some really fond moments... subtle but touching. I do have a bit of a nurturing side. I was a at a kid party, and this adorable little guy runs straight up to me... I made a face and he got real close, and pushed his head against mine... not like a head but, just put his forehead on mine... adorable. Same party, another little one runs up latches to my leg and smiles at me before running off. again... super cute. But one of the best parts? I did pretty well, without booze. yeah- my social shield was down and I didn't (necessarily) need it. Shocking. But I know these people a bit better. That and I am pushing myself to be me, and say what I need to. Follow my conscience- gut feeling- nose... wait, no not nose that's toucan Sam from fruit loops.

Most recently I "graduated" my group therapy. Which ... I don't cry much anymore, but if I were to this would have been a moment for tears. My teachers were VERY impressed at the changes I've made in the year. (one of them said that in the last six months alone even). I had many people tell me I was a very good presence in the group... It was very nice to feel that warmth. There was a woman, a woman who I see great potential in... she was super sad, so I talked to her and picked her brain. Got her to laugh with a lesbian joke (because she likes ladies). Then at the end of the group... Still down. I said hey, as she was reaching for her bags...

"guess what!", I said

She kept asking what, ( this was all in a playful manner ^_^) I was waiting for her to stand upright. I told her I had a present but she needed to be facing me. She did and I gave her a huge hug!!! That was another beauty I'll keep in my heart. It shows me that not only do I still have a heart... but it can beat very very loud.

I've gone to 2 other parties. I'll be to the point about these. I faced them head on... both I didnt even think about who'd be there. I felt like a part of both crowds... rather than an outsider. and yeah I was still "different" but because I showed who I was that didn't isolate me. As I learn to follow better the four letter work inked on my back (LOVE). I learn to share it. My comments, if I feel inclined to leave them on social media are not made in hate. And, Should I say I don't like it I'll say why and give constructive not destructive criticism. Most of my comments don't get responses and... the ones that do are generally positive. I am the anti-troller.

Finally the current- and the my head lately. I may not understand how I'm achieving all of this. but.. I am. Even when I don't feel like doing things... I bargain with myself to say okay, you did that... that's awesome you really didn't want to... what's next? I'll admit this is at a bit slower of a pace than I would like... but I am slightly justifying it by the amount of work I hope to take on and accomplish in the coming year. I'm learning to listen to those phat beats (hehe PH- fat) that resonate from my chest... They tell me what I need to do, get things done... when everything feels right.

I was despairing- I couldn't figuring out my little "complex studio" I wasn't going to deal with setting it up till next year. I learned how to set it up already... again... I underestimated... me. But it's okay, it's all the better when you can stand your ground against your own criticisms... it's one of the hardest (I find) to do. But if and when you can... it's only diesel  to keep you propelling.

Today I said something... I'v been giving little mantras and sage-ish advice to myself. Like, you'll never go anywhere if you don't start the car.... or struggles are quicksand... you can thrash and cuss, and scream... when sometimes all you need is a level head.

Heh, again I have to keep coming up with different variations of these to suit the moments but they help and that's all that matters.

And, I think that's all for now. I really enjoyed writing this... this just might be my very favorite entry. And, Hopefully there is nothing but more of this to come. <B

Finito

A link to the first full song I've completely formed, write more later

go here

Spider EYes

This is a moving picture

Old man winter

Man, I really hate to complain... but winter... I can handle it less and less every year.

Just killing time while I wait for all of my music to upload from my mp3 player to my desktop. So, that means I don't want to do too much in the way of mess with the actual computer ... and I can't listen to the music at the moment. So I'll talk to myself on here.

Hey Bry... How goes it?

I'm good... I guess ... this lack of sun thing... really messes with my mood.

I hear ya

I'm really doing all that I can to find motivation and energy where I can in these times... I try human diesel fuel (coffee) that seems to work.... seems to boost my mood... but I need at least 2 cups a day. As opposed to the usual one. I might be getting this thing called a sunrise alarm.. It's really supposed to help set you on track... as it gradually increases brightness in stead of abrupt loud noises and the like... Granted most, once they reach their full luminosity will make noise (again gradually). It works with the circadian rhythm.. I will do WHATEVER it takes to be the best me as possible... I really feel that that is what life is . Strife. Not the strife to be better than another but the strife toward self approval and accomplishment. And through those elements Happiness... a sense of wholeness that carries.

It's fairly easy for me to ignore that in the winter... I know .. but I'm doing to take happiness and motivation when I can. Be it by coffee, or...sunrise alarm etc.... mainly coffee though. gotta love the Java. My Song is due in 2 weeks... I only have one minute (out of the three I wish to have). I also want to add more to it. Very proud of my compositions.... I listen to them on my mp3 player.. and think of what I might do different.. and where the song will pick up.

I also think when I'm listening to my favorite artists how they did something... of what types of ways that I could do something similar. I'm starting to see it more as poetry... which it is in it's own right. A playground of sound rather than words. I'm on quite the hiatus with poetry. I have not written anything I've been happy with since September. Nor have I had much inspiration in the way of writing. I'm pretty one tracked. I get rather distracted and finish nothing if I don't look straight ahead.

But that's all really. Just some bowing matches with moods, thinking about music, and silently planning my attack on the coming year.

<B

14 is Falling

Black is December's color

Depressing Color I know... but it is the end of a year. The Color suits it.

Thanksgiving went well.

I ate the most admittedly, I almost puked XD.

the and of this semester beckons as well as the end of my group therapy.

Yet, past mentioned possibilities await.

It's been the best year for me in many away, and I look forward for what's next.

cheers. <B

mystery doors

Scary or fun?

How about both. lately, I've been struggling... not necessarily depressed...
 Well, a little I suppose. but it's a weird manageable issue.

I kind of let myself slip into it. Like this: The fall was around... and to help " get myself excited" I ate crap food, candy etc. I did really good all year without out it... After that came the eye issue... not much to do but sleep eat and listen to music when your eye is in pain and ya can't see... and of course he cold weather/ lack of sun combo. I also fell off my medication for a week.

Last year I did really well, with my basic issues and SAD... it barely affected me at all! I'm banking on my medication being the primary repellent. But I've read up on several things. I'm going all the things I need to be doing to combat it. I'm sunlamping, working out, taking vitamins, antidepressants etc. What I'm not doing too much of though is eating right.

How we acquire our "winter coats" is because of an old survival instinct we have hard wired into us. I've read this and heard this severeal times now. Our bodies, crave starches and other comfort foods. Which gets many into an all too familiar groove... You'll feel bad about it... and do it again and sleep and do it all again and spike some heavy resentment. orrrrrrrrrrr this is common in SAD sufferers more so. I can't speak for all. But Yeah I've been having some DEEP stomach wrenching hungers that aren't even justifiable... and... as I have read... I have been craving the carbs... I'm not one to take all I'm given by the media... but when I do my own research and I see several connections and similarities in data... I store it.

Maybe my SAD has upped itself/? can't say. Feels like it may have.

So I'll follow the steps I have not tried yet, as far as getting a sun alarm. (that's the only real thing that I have not tried).

All I know, more so now than ever, is... I hope to leave to a snow free state in the next 5 years. I want nothing more to do with the extra ups and downs of mood do to weather... I already have my own troubles with that. It can only improve by moving.

But moving... especially out of state can be very scary. I'd want to with my Boyfriend of course... I mean every one, everything I know is here.

I've been reading up on people with SAD and their moving experiences... many found it highly beneficial when they had fled. I read about how one woman did the opposite and moved from California to Michigan.... she said she got slammed with a bad case of it. It's not the Holidays that bother me. I adore them... it's the mental/emotional pandora's box that opens when the fall comes...

I'm truly losing my thirst for fall because of this...

Again when the time comes... I know I'll cry and feel really displaced for a little bit... and that was just switching cities....but somehow... with my ample curiosity I think it'll be better. <B

Level up

2015 goals. (the first half is key)

1. Work with the radio station.
2. Self publish a book of poetry.
3. Learn to drive
4. Join a group of some sort.
5. Get certificate.
6. Figure out next chapter for life.
7. work for Halloween event.
8. get first song  used, and of published.
9. 3 songs a month.
10. Choose (make decisions and stick by them)

THX

A list of things I am thankful for :D

1. My eye being healed.
2. Being a man 
3. My boyfriend.
4. Being American.
5. Music.
6. School
7. Counseling.
8. Food
9. Shelter
10. Humor

patch work

After my class yesterday... or during rather- either or. I talked over a very present feeling I have been tossing around in my head about the music.

I've expressed my sometimes apathetic feeling about trying... and that I repeatedly challenge those doubts with statements like:


Sure, you can't lose if you don't try... but you also can't go anyway...

So many things that music requires also apply to musicianship. It's an eye opener. Music, especially for a complete newcomer needs practice... practice takes patience, and patience is acquired through discipline. I keep getting more and more. Feeling that things are running in a a great big circle. That a lot of what I am uncovering is very relevant to each other.

Back to my talk with my instructor. He basically reaffirmed all that I just said.

I've been opening my ears to so much more music and finding things I probably would not have listened to in the past. Lately a lot of what I've been listening to is pretty mellow... or- not what I would expect I'd be listening to a year ago.

This music is great... it's giving me feelings... I can't express.. it's been years since music has evoked deep feelings... Yeah, sure, I'd have many rebel anthems, and songs of standing back up cued on my mp3 player... but not too much that made me think and made me feel a deep sincerity.

One goal I have in what ever my musical endeavors turns out be that I can reach people and do for them what my influences have done for me. I want to reach out and be involved with them.. My instructor stressed the importance of community yesterday as well.. on how it helps you to keep learning, helps them to learn, and ultimately networks you and helps you do better.

I'm very lucky I have a supportive boyfriend behind me in this. Perhaps with the coming days, I'll have made some friends that are similar in that regard. perhaps some friends with music interest in my classes.

But digging further into where I want to be... rather than further into myself ... oh... it's scary but feels..right.  I can't wait to try my hand at the radio station of my school. and see what I do. I was thinking of calling my hour Ecclectica (an hour of difference.)

The thought is to use this time as experience with the equipment, getting some music people might not know about into their ears, and being a little self-promotional. I would largely start it out by playing the music I listen to, all of the genres. I would try and play about 1 or 2 known songs for every song of mine. That way people might be more inclined to stay and investigate. As for the self promotion, I think it'd be really cool to kind of wedge some of my stuff in as filler or background when I talk (if I do). I'm constantly trying to connect people to music when I can so this might be a VERY great way of doing so.

Sounds ambitious... ^_^

I also think that it is really cool what my final project will be for my art appreciation class. I'm going to make a poem and a song... They will be related... I'm going to probably make the song first and then right a poem based off of that or vice versa. So- hopefully what should be something fun for the rest of the class. considering I only talk to one person in it  and most others will be drawing or painting.

RANDOM RANT 2: THE SHORTS OF IT.

People... especially of my age group.. I politely inquire... Why are you wearing shorts in this subarctic weather? Why are your coats gently collecting dust on the rack? I see you fine, and oblivious from the slit in my ski mask, 3 layers of jacket , and mittens... is it because warm doesn't look cute? Do you suffer for the aesthetic? Hmmmm you're probably not from here... we do live in Ann Arbor.... <B

Woop Dairy is!!!!

 I've been entertaining myself with that this morning. Picturing some doctor responding "Whoop dairy is!" after his patient saying that dairy is a little confusing. He's also doing the whole raising the roof thing with his hands. This has not been something I've had happen or even seen on T.V.... just from my brain.

For the overall good I'm going to limit these to writing for a half hour again.




_-2014-_

Goods:

1. I went back to vegetarianism
2. My guy and I made it our first year <3
3. went to the rock and roll hall of fame.
4. I did my first 5k
5. I went to my first nudist place.
6. I did some other things I wouldn't have normally done.. did. and happy I have.
7. went to chicago
8. Started music classes
9. Had my first small publishing and open mic night. 
10. Moved into a great place!

pains:

1. I caught a flu at the beginning of the year (I rarely get sick so I wuss out when it happens)
2. Wisdom tooth extraction
3. new piercing ;p
4. over 10 visits to the eye doctors due to a messed up eye.

I'd say the pros out weigh the cons

-[2015]-

I plan to be more proficient of course. 

1. I plan on getting rid of the little bit of excess weight I picked back up. 
2. teaching discipline in other places than food especially music.
3. trying out hosting an hour on my school's radio station.
4. Self-publishing the stuff I have and getting more involved with the poetry scene out here.
5. keeping strong organization
6. getting that drivers license that my eye has kept me from working on.
7. going to other groups, trying out going to the dungeons and dragons night at vault
8. producing stuff more frequently in the way of music- 
9. Putting up profiles on sites only for the music.
10. & others

<B

Here comes the sun (lamp)

Beatles references...oy vey

I sit here briefly to just scatter some thoughts... give a thought cleanse if you will...That's what journals are anyways.

LET'S DOOOO THISSSSSSS AH! 

My eye... if not fully recovered feels almost perfect... omg please pleASE PLEASE let's keep it this way!

Today will be my first day back to school and so I'll have to arrange all of that snazz. I also have to finagle my school sched for winter- have to ask some questions to various parts of school etc. I'm super grateful because... eye pain is HORRENDOUS... I never really thought about it ... I mean you can't see which is frustrating... and you can't focus that well because of the pain digging into the front of your face... getting anything accomplished felt like a feat. I didn't even work on music much... I worked on tunes.. and individual pieces for songs... but not on a song specifically anyways... ( a topic jumping Bry is a happy Bry) This weekend was good and weird all at once I'll explain.

In short, bi-polar aside, I am susceptible to S.A.D. (Seasonal Affect Disorder ). Double whammy. But I'm counter acting everything in the best ways I can. S.A.D. is brought on largely by a lack of sun... which. without the sun it's harder for one to have as much Vitamin D... Vitamin affects mood. So, for the last year I've been taking it, all year, and in the winter I use my sunlamp every morning.. Sometimes more if needed. Seems to help. Again I jumped topic. The weekend was weird because I can feel the shifting of seasons... there is a distinct feel of desolation I gather in the specific months of November and January. But that's not all bad... I can pretend I'm on a baron ice planet with flickers of hope. ;p. which is what Michigan becomes in the winter anyways hahaha.

December is great though... I'm thoroughly starting to enjoy christmas more... mainly due to the festiveness of it and the unity it signifies... And like Halloween it has many interpretations,... I guess all holidays do. It also has several color variants... I mean you could go... gold, green, red,... or... Candy cane- red, white, and silvers (My secong favorite) or my Favorite- which could be seen as the depressing version.. I love the Icy look of blue, silver, and white... It's the black sheep of them all. 

ALSO as I am now obsessed with time and more electronic music... New years is becoming way cooler... I mean it's the fall a year giving way to a new one... I like to pretend that this is the precursor to that desolate ice planet I mentioned earlier... full of celebration before the dawn. Apocalyptic. 

I got a little head start on 2015 anyways. But I think I'll write about the end of this year and what is to come next time. For now I'll just leave a couple random thoughts... I want to share on: CARS & STICKERS.

I'll try to be quick and precise. Why?! it's your car, yes... but it's an eye sore.. you like michigan? great no one needs to know. you're pro life? wow, no one cares... Oh, you're a republican, and the parent of an honor student??? *sigh* Maybe it's my ocd about wanting a car to look nice. I don't know... It kind of just makes me think of when little kids put stickers all over everything... but in all fairness I am well aware it's all about preference... the stickers drive me mad. I'm positive tattoos draw the same thoughts from others. I mean com' on I have an eye "on the back of my head" ...pffft what a douche bag XD

<B

Youth In Asia

now, say as one word. (Euthanasia)

been an interesting week... Two weeks? idk. So, holding on in vain last week... getting a couple ounces of sleep... I managed to become in severe pain... so much so that I became physically sick and was barfing... AGAIN!!! man... So, one really unscheduled trip to see the nicest eye doc ever and we removed the bandage contact... The net day I did in fact have the eye surgery... they scraped off the surface of my cornea so that it could grow back  anew. Then they put on a new contact... It's been getting progressively better... Today I am supposed to go in get it looked at... well, more so an hour from now :D. I actually like going to the doctor... maybe it's because I don't normally have to visit.

Other than that I've been kind of a recluse... only for the sake of my eye... keeping it from the light and anything that would strain it worse than it already was.

um... that's all... I set 3 more classes for myself next semester... debating a fourth which would make me a full time student at that point. I might just do that.

But for now... just trying to prepare in many ways for 2015. less than 50 days from now already.

I've got some ideas up my sleeve about strengthening discipline yadda yadda... I feel that dscipline teaches you to enjoy more... that when you finally do get something... it's far more impressive in it's own special way... that and when I m not "in focus" I have a nagging feeling that something is amiss.

I finished my first song... the first of many that I completed made from scratch... no loops and anything pre made .

Take a listen

It's called Blaspheme <B

Bandage Contacts

It's a shield, it's cock-block to my eye issue, it's... a bandage contact...

Yes my ailment has a name... it is called Recurring Corneal erosion syndrome... Basically I had some wear and tear at some point on my eye... not healing very well... my eyelid will stick to the recovering cells and pull it back open causing my body to jolt as I violently awake... All of this is quite literal by the way. All I can do when faced with this for now is use teardrops... and patiently wait for the pain to calm down (it doesn't fully subside). I am awake this late (10:40 pm) because I don't want to sleep... it is that painful... been to the eye docs twice this week already and have to go back friday... blegh. Anyway... said  bandage contact works as a go between... it is a temporary sheild in hopes that my eye might correct itself . Thus far... it is helping... but there is still some significant irritation ... I've been wanting to punch things... obliterate them. my eye is being angry right now... it does now like the computer light so much...but what am I to do? ... things are ver limited when you have certain afflictions... 

Friday... if things aren't at a better state a new direction has been discussed... 

Scraping 

They will scrape of the damaged layer of the cornea and that is believed to be a lot better than trying to repair a damaged one. 

Other than that I have just been... nursing it really... I didn't do Halloween largely because of it... I've been eating a little out of line... because it's easy to do in this state... so when I get through it I'll have some serious shape to regain... not that I'm like obese all of a sudden. just not where I want to be again... bu I'm okay with it... I know why I am and have a plan to follow through after. My art teacher has been more than understanding ... random side note.... this makes me sooo happy. so... yeah... just kind of... living... kind of doing... stuff... not training to drive like I should be... My understanding is that if you have eye issues... stay off of the road... min is in pain... and I can;t read the largest letters on one of the eye charts through my right eye.

The suspected culprit for my agony is something a bit self-induced. Its believed that some non- prescription contacts are to blame... 

Bullocks 

I've always wantd them and I really believe that they tie aesthetics together to their fullest potential. I.E. HAlloween Costumes... WHICH I might add... was a sad waste of money... especially the sephora part.. not being able to wear makeup and all. 

that's about it ... if you care to know more.. in better detail- 

This is the info from the place that I am actually getting help from:right here

P.S. I'm doing no shave November <B

Rusted

No, not the most uplifting title. November's color is Brown!!!

Again, another stinging eye.... whatevs.

It's Halloween... it's Halloween... The big H, Samhain, the day of ghosts... Am I over it? Did it really come to me this year?... I'm liable to say no... I don't think so. This whole month.. has come and gone, like a ghost story... sad. but... I don't know... I feel like I'm okay with it in a way. Each year... I feel a little less enamored. I feel that this year it is in part due to my eye, and the high, HIGH expectations I have . Most of my creativity is bleeding into where it should be: my arts. Perhaps I am reaching my newest stage.

I find I'm practical in many ways now. Which is good. But the little boy in me who wants the useless toy gets a little angry sometimes ;p. I'll never let that kid go.. he's really cool. I want to maintain all the me I can be. I've been hearing that time and again... not only from my counseling group.. but from my music teacher. Finding people as passionate for music as I am... well that's very very important. I've not had friends yet who are. It's gotten me through many a hard time... I'm pretty accurate naming artists when I hear them... even if I havn't heard that particular song before. For the longest time... about a decade.. I've not been being me... or I've been desperately trying. All signs point to the path I am headed in. I'm going to go this route... I'm pretty stubborn... so, sooner or later I plan on nailing what I'm going for. You see the music I am trying to make... isn't really for stage performance.. or record release. No, I hope to do it for commercial use, and (after I have seasoned and learned more about the math of it all) scoring films. It's not meant to have lyrics. I think a lot of the people that I have shown my music to in the past... friends and such. didn't know what to say..

1. There are reasons I am awrae of yes... Some people just don't like talking about it... it might just not be their cup of tea.
2. It could have been bad, I'm just starting out anyway,
3. they aren't musicians/ don't have as much of a love for it as you do
4. I didnt and they didn't know what I wanted to do with it. Some friends wondered where the lyrics were... there are none... they are visual enhancements only. 

This is something I'm not 100% certain on. But, I do not believe many people pay too much attention to the music or sounds of a movie... kind of gets lost... I can't blame people for that... we live in an overtly visual and convenient world. I always thought music in films and such were really really cool.

I went back to 1998 and downloaded the Batman Beyond soundtrack.. VERY big deal for me hearing that theme song when I was little I never heard anything like it and wanted more... alas I didn't have the tools nor the thought process in order to achieve it. I do now... It's pretty great... Again, an old friend years ago let me hear a video game soundtrack that he had much passion for and I simply blew it off. I listened to that... I've been listening to it over and over... (Quake soundtracks) I find myself critiquing sounds and music appropriateness of songs... I now I'm not a professional but I still like to try and gauge... for instance I believe that the last resident evil films soundtrack... well that was garbage compared to others.

I feel that there is a legion of cult status innovators in the world I want to enter. The artists who lend their sounds to games, film, T.V. and more. They don't follow rules very well, and a lot of them didn't necessarily have musical backgrounds. They make what sounds good to them.. and the passion with which they do it comes through. One might say.. "If it'e made at a computer that you can't feel it". I disagree. You can usually understand if the persons interest was present in the creation...

Long story short... I'm tunneling into this stuff... I'm pulling what I can into me. I'm ready to talk with other music savvy folks. I want to learn about their stories... their  processes, advice... Musicians are generally open books. Slowly I'm networking :D

I like all types of music... For me- the make or break... are the vocalists... I think that's why I've been into instrumentals.. Music alone is universal... anyone can come up with their own stories, evoke their own feelings... but most of the time... for me: it's the singer who saves or slays my interest.

There's a lot of good music in the top 40 on the radio.. but also a lack of vocabulary, and a lot of copycats. <B

Me

Me

Phallis

hehe... intelligent dick joke

Motivation... lacking... struggle for motion... have to keep throwing self into whatever I feel that  need to do. Thaaaaaat's really about it as far as the present goes.

{Origins}---{Early teens}

Slowly I accrued who I was ... hit my "maturity" at 11.... that was interesting. I was oddly not a loner 11- 12 I was a part of a mixed lot.... that harassed me but in their own way respected me... it was weird... I had a lot of rage developing....It was kind of a cocoon period... I have many. It was due to events of domestic violence in the house hold that kind of shaped the direction I went in... By about mid- 12 I was finding comfort in darker things... although... I never truly BECAME interested in it... it drew and used me as a canvas then.. I made it known what I liked and what inspired me... Halloween, Movie monsters, Punk rock music, and a love of the arts. I became a bigger target- getting hammered with taunts about weight, hair, make-up, or being gay... I didn't even know I liked boys ... not a clue... never really questioned or spent much thought and worry on the same things that other kids did... they were trivial to me.... I always thought about projects I had... or how to avoid my father- that last one leaving me with constant gut wrenching feelings... I couldn't care about the butterflies of asking some girl to a dance.

Thirteen-ish I took to poetry- an escape that helped make me stand out! Aside from being that fat goth kid with the hair. Somewhere along this time I become of a part of a trio... Some other fans of rock music... confused and angry at the rest of the school... misunderstood... highly vulnerable. Then... suddenly I came across new faces.. mainly girls... many were like sisters to me... Most had crushes for me... I couldn't return the interest... only simply because I wasn't attracted- not due to gender but personality... eyes.. figures. We became great friends... better friends than the initial group I was apart of... they faded out. I spent much time with them... like all of the time... I had a handful of "girlfriends" they never lasted too too long... I was usually dumped.. cuz I was shy of making moves... I would awkwardly ask if I could... that is a turn off I get it now...  I learned how to kiss from my best friend at the time... people swore we could have been twins... she was really ditzy and amusing to me... I loved that girl... where did she go?

about 14/15 ish... I was being more social... more open about things... maybe too open? I met a new face... one that I was unsure of but turned out to be a great bond in the beginning. Her name was Leah... that happened in the most peculiar way... She approached me and started talking to me about music I think... and then she offered to drive me home... I went along with it and formed a really outstanding friendship. All of my friends were intermixed at this point. Most attended this disaster under the roof of a church.. So much drama lived here... as there usually is with anything involving ICP fans. SMH. When I realized I was getting fed up with there ever expanding issues and delusions I packed up... I came back sporadically ... I made one friend from there though... A very generous and caring young girl. talk about her later. By the end of 15 I was starting to realize.... I may not be fully into girls...(this made sense when I thought about how I kind of freaked out when I first saw lesbian porn.. it was SHOCKING... not in a hell yeah kind of way ... more like a WHERE'STHE BEEF?) kind of way) I still find women attractive... sexy even...

.. for the most part though I believe they are kind of grand illusionists... Make-up.... a veil of powders and chemicals... *shrugs* I used to do it.

I'm not even going to give an honorable mention to the multiple people that I had to live with ... and the uncertainty of knowing where I was staying...

there's that chunk in a nutshell. <B

progress and a origins part 2.

Oh, I can feel I'm growing better at this stuff... The music that is- for someone who has never really done anything with music. I've been in choir off and on all through out high school. I could have been a lot better had I pushed for it. Oh well I'm going for it now. But yeah... finding lots of cool people in my class a couple of seasoned guys- one in particular who has had stuff in Nissan and other car commercials. ^_^ Gotta talk to that guy. As I move along in it I get excited, confused, annoyed, enthralled, and discouraged all at the same time... different points but that's self explanatory. I've surprisingly been playing with more ambient and Violins. Odd. But yeah... I guess it's easier to bring together the different types of music if you learn or get a better understanding individually first sometimes... makes sense. I plan to carry through... I need to start being more decisive about things... indecision leads to standing still... there's a Movie that''s a perfect example called "Mr. Nobody" With Jared Leto. It is essentially all about choices and the lives we make by making them. You never know what's behind a door fully till you try it... I mean it worked for going back to school 3 months after I dropped out back in my senior year. I was very certain and goal oriented when I was younger despite all of the crappy things that were going on... I feel that maybe in their own way they fueled me to strive. I will make decisions within reason and deal with what consequences or rewards I earn as they come to me.

Right now I am taking a break from my practice to write this... I'm building my muscles to focus. I plan on using at least 70% of my day to practice. it's highly important... but... I'm not the most seasoned yet... it drains me and I have to take breaks.... I need to push though the "I don't feel like its" and the "I'll fuck things ups" They'll only stunt things - things I need to reach for. So I'm doing in taking in all I can see in do. Again I'm not where some of the people are in my class yet... professionals who have been doing this for years and are at it every waking moment... or in the case of many... every sleepless moment. Not there quite yet... But it will eventually be the case... and Ill be living off of coffee, and energy bars... I exercise religiously every day... now! If I can apply that to every thing... I'll be on my way.

[Origins before 10]

I'll try and make this brief...

Most of this time was again spent alone... uncomfortable... I stayed the course I was on all along of music and imagination.

I learned my father was not to be trusted and that I had seen inconsistencies with the actions and words of many Christians... I've never liked people with God shields. Yes believe in what you believe in but don't shed the parts that damn you and hold on to those that damn others... It's like those who point a hateful finger at gay people... have done and or... are doing something far worse in secrecy.

I found for sure that I was an outcast around 9 maybe 10... What I wore wasn't "in" who knew that shirts with dragons and other various monsters weren't trending. Whatever... there were not very many days where it wasn't pointed out that I was fat...

T.V: Sabrina the teenage witch. Boy meets world. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Crow television series

Music: Limp Bizkit, korn, Slipknot. (around ten years old... I don't remember too much.

<B

Title

My birthday.. it was a good one but I felt out of it... nothing much has been stirring me... I feel my boyfriends love... I feel a vague sense of life... not sure if it's the weight I gained... or... if I'm having one of my moments where nothing seems to satisfy... I'm prone to impulse currently... I want to buy this, or eat that, or whatever to fill me... Again  feel his love...

I usually feel a sense of ... empty when it turns cold... I hardly cry anymore... but I sometimes wish for that rather than not having the ability to... I used to cry all the time.... Stronger? No, just numb with a nagging feeling like I should be shedding tears. Bipolar isn't a joke... nor is it a definition of someone... But it can be quite the adversary... a mechanical bull... I... just ... I hope that I can have magic one day... My world ... it's getting punctured by reality.. I went from being very talented and original.... to pining to be original and remotely talented... I used to have plans and follow through... now I have fear.. doubt... more than I ever have... as a result I often come off as jaded or hateful of many aspects of humanity. ... I stick in my head awhile... thinking about how people work... and how I work and how I could possibly relate... there's not much.... I also try and catch myself by saying hey... a lot of your favorite things were shut down multiple times before finding their bearings Bry.... Sometimes that's enough.

The grey skies match how I feel... uncertain... cold and empty... accepting the incoming ice to come....

I applaud that I just cleaned a little bit... and that I'm writing this though... good job... I've pushed it really hard... was just going to go to bed already... that's all I've been wanting is to sleep and eat... I don't want to get back on that train.... I just got off it for a really good while. But even when I am at my favorite physique ... it doesn't matter... everything doesn't clear up...The blow of all the things I feel though becomes lighter.... so that's something. My brain is triggering thoughts that are telling me how good self defeat might taste... telling me to eat wrong... to sleep after and a sleep all day because I "messed up" Nope... I'll never forgive my father... he gave me too many issues that have lasted too long...

I'm sure people have felt like failures before they've begun.... I'm trying to keep my head above water....

Origins (before 5)

Reflections. A little bit of back history In case I forget... But I have a good long term memory... I remember things that are trivial to most. Yeah.

I don't remember too much before this... I remember being alone mainly. I guess I never really broke that habit. I had one friend though... and we did EVERYTHING together. He was my first exploration into sexuality. I know how sick that sounds. But really if you look it up- it's quite common... kids are curious... and even more so in broken homes in broken cities... T.V. acted my 3rd parent. I took all that it had to offer me. I took in odd aspects. I took in associations with villainy at a young age. I always wanted to be the villain... Even then I felt that something was off or missing... a lack of energy even at that age. I sensed a disconnect with the other children... I cried when left in kindergarten... I tried immediately if I remember to leave. With good reason I'd discover later...

 I''ll brush over the three main points of school. Racism... I was picked on for being white... When I stood my ground... when I unknowingly called a kid back what they called me (The N word) I was chastised severely due to majority of the staff being of african descent. It's how children work you know? They don't think twice before redirecting words... even if they don't know what it means. Lastly, I learned to keep silent... I learned that most of my words were... wrong? The teachers were prejudice too.

Outside life was comprised of roaming around town... and hanging out with a girl that I had thought was my Topanga... I was a wild child around her I guess. Unkempt. The T.V. taught me about adult stuff... and I ... assuming that it would be know different shared with her what I had with my friend... geesh a little pervert indeed. I got sent home away from her for a week. When I returned I apologized and said "it's okay...  You're aunts the one who is fat and mean (or a bi***... I don't recall fully but I did say fat..) she told again and I think I was not to go over there again.

I spent most of my time in my room as a result of these events... I watched T.V., I over ate... and played with strings pretending I had magical powers and I would save the city. But I didn't fully choose to be a loner... when I was at home I'd usually be sent to my room to play with toys.. so my dad could either watch adult things... or attend to his "herbs"... You don't do that... you send the kids outside to play. Sending your kid to their room always implies wrong doing or trouble... if only just in subconscious thought.

But then I took on a new space.. The basement.... It's here my old soul wold first present itself... Here, I would eat my dinner, here, I would read, and listen to classical music. I was able to identify I knew when Beethoven's Fifth Symphony was playing in a movie... Not By composer or title but by Sound.

Halloween was always a staple for me....

T.V. Shows : Spider- Man, Creepy Crawlers, Bump in the night, freakazoid, Sonic the hedgehod, and Reboot.

Music: The Blur- Song 2 and Torn By Natalie Imbruglia .

Torn was the first song that struck a chord with me... I felt it... I understood it in and odd way... The lyric "I'm all out of faith" ...

<B

Dear DIEary

Love a horrible pun ^_^

Last weekend- with the kids- was... GREAT lol. The  one that could talk kept on saying how much fun she was having. I died on sugar and was resurrected only by my will till learn electronic music score.

_ZomBry_

that's about it really... that and practicing- testing new things- researching- listening- looking for the advice and stories of those I look up to. I've gotten significantly better all ready... very little acquired from my current music class but... I tend to learn things at my own rate... I learn far better through hands on trial and errors more than anything. My eyes glaze over the more I have to listen and not do. I'm getting the habit of practicing every day- it's becoming as vital as my work outs for me. I get fairly antsy if I don't do it or feel I have not made much progress. ..  but for the most part I get lost in it ! -My favorite part is more so sound design than music as I have no former experience composing. For never having played an instrument, for never knowing how to sight read etc. I read an article on a VERY prestigious composer by the name of Hans Zimmer. He admits to not knowing how to play instruments or how to read music for that matter... or at least in the beginning. yo pick up things... learn them by habit.

This week is your 25th Bry- but you're a zombie now so, alls you have to worry about is rotting really. I guess you might have to worry about eating the brains of your new friends boyfriend too.. no matter how much of a good idea it sounds like at the moment. Really though, I am not a fan of the aging process, majority aren't but I reserve my own special reasons. I feel that this is the first of many years that I am finally reaching for things that I want and need to get done... even when in apathy or melancholy I'm still crawling. But the fear is doesn't lie with the aging... that's inevitable. It's with the rush to catch up with myself and where I want to be for my age. I spent many years barricaded and stagnant. Now I'm just barricaded ;p. I often think about how I would feel about myself from a younger age. What I mean is How would I view me at age 8? A decade ago? Would they feel that I held true? Did I live up to what I believed to want. Ideas and concepts of self are always shifting.. always evolving with our bodies. Somehow though, I always know what and who I am to be.. When you're younger it's easier to let that be. When I knew various things about myself that I wanted ... still want. I knew I wanted nipple rings... check... I knew I wanted eye contacts- check. I knew I loved pale skin and petite bodies, tattoos, colored hair, and Halloween. To a degree my life has felt like one big day. that's why my long term memory is vast... many points in the past I can remember the most random of details, and how I felt during them. I've had feelings I always have ever since I can remember. Of course there are the many ailments that came with 24 for me.

But 25 is generally a good year I hear. I hear between the ages of 25 and 26 men are supposed to have fully developed brains. Which helps solidify most ideals, and concepts... or make them harder to shrug off, good and bad I guess. Organization is supposed to become better along with other executive functions. I have been feeling these things grow in myself. Adoration.

Last Paragraph.

this month escapes me... I love it... but it is fleeting. It doesn't feel like it normally does for me. Not in a bad sense.. not at all. Just a calm. I'm actually a little more entertained by Dia De Los Muertos - the Spanish variant of Halloween- celebrating the sweet shortness of life in vibrant color and togetherness just beautiful. this weekend is Halloweekends and a day with Mi Madre. Good stuff, and the next Maybe pumpkins with a friend. Then the art show. yup that's my Halloween. Oh and I might go to a nudist place again once more before fall is through.  I will get myself a couple of gifts... because I know what I want... probably some more music software, and a random nick knack.

October <B

Iratus Est Oculus

(Angry eye) Google translating latin has been a mini hobby now and again :D

Not the case - thankful... very... I only have a slight blur in my eye now... just slightly. *clap* Right now I"m killing time... till I have to go and talk about my eye some more lol. then talk about possible sleep acid re-flux...

Things have been kind of passing me up a little... I can't lie... maybe it's because I havn't been hanging outside as much as I'd like to be. I mean Fall IS here! But yeah, maybe it's just because I haven't done much in the spirit of it yet. this weekend kicks that off though- quick rectification. Loving the new counselor- we are both at the understanding that I'm not inherently depressed so much as I am self-defeating (at this point in time) He'll be there to help me learn and observe my interactions with people- especially other guys... keeping a good account should help my strong suits and weaknesses. I linger around the mirror. and when I have decided I don't like the view... I shift all emotions outward and I put the assumption in my head that people are thinking the negative things that I have created... let people think for themselves.. not to say that I'm not fully aware of what people are saying or doing... I am when faced directly.. heh but- even when I talk connect with a person I have this urge to end the conversation (before I "f**k it up"). The key we have pin pointed that I always keep brushing off ... the issue I need to focus on is not second guessing everything before I do it. Telling myself it's wrong before I've begun... I also need to focus on actions... not how I think I'm being seen or how people look... because I'm very catty cheerleader like that... If I find... *sigh* that if there is someone I find unattractive around me... that I want to repel.. I look at some with superior eyes, whereas others I look at like a wraith, a disfigured being watching in the shadows.

I need to just be.... easier said than done... when I get there.. who knows who, what, or where that'll lead me.

it's time to make some static <B

Monday's ashes

Are Tuesday's birthplace.

Today wasn't horrible per say. I work up with my eye feeling the best that it has in a week and it's held up really REALLY well, the doc even says that it is doing way better- though she wants to see me back on Thursday. Just a lot of running around other than that. Much like anytime though, I put my focus into one thing, and then when it's done... I'm done... spent and need a recoil. I was very socialable polite and stuff... but that light was working it's way down the candle stick as it did. Snuffed by the tender hour of about.... 3pm. I was ready to repell from the outside world into the dark recesses of what I call home. Dramatic. I love it though. And although it's finally here... The fall, My eye has not fully allowed me to enjoy it. Nor does the nagging fact of my absentee friends. Bleh. So, I thought I'd recount the day till the sun passes out.

It's not too painstakingly hard to tell someone about other plans, or if something is incompatible with your schedule. No matter, other things are coming up. No place that I can collect friends at but... I guess I'm the batman of the people I know. Except I don't have millions of disposable income, a butler, a mansion, or a badass suit and gadgets. Maybe for my birthday... when I like to pretend people care.

Gah...  trying to stay in the grey... not the black.. I keep dipping today...

It's not going to happen very easy... the friend thing Bry Bry... you don't go out at night... nowhere you particularly want to go... You like to hang out in coffee shops, and go for walks in woods, and randomly go to stores, not particularly to buy anything but to look and see what the world has to offer. Man, friends used to be a lot easier to come by... now it takes effort and shit... That candle burns down even quicker when I have to transfer the light I have to other people and ensnare them.. I can... it's just so taxing. Conflict of interest much? Well, I guess I can try to extend my fire . My methodology hasn't succeeded yet. Cheers <B

The Eyeronic story

Pain in my eye... the phrase never quite made sense to me till recent.

Im going to try and be chipper ... all Nick Fury and pirate jokes aside I've been doing well...Ish I went to the emergency room and back and forth between various eye docs all saying I have various things... None of which are concurrent with the others. One is iritis, one is keratitis, and the other is something like... hervetatitis? Idk... All  know is I now have an arsenal of 3 types of eye drops and a gel. One of the eye drops helps the pain immensely and dilates my pupil make it nice and big... so I look like I'm insane!!! Love it. So yeah, trying to piece myslf together for the month.. This couldn't have happened in a worse month... I mean... It started... at the dawn of October.... REALLY?!? poop. Well I see the eye doc again tomorrow. Total.. I've been in a doctor setting about... 12 hours in the past week give or take an hour. Another curiosity: I've been finding joy in some really odd stuff.. my focus has oddly been improving.. Aside from the pain... It might be more bothersome to me that it is pulling my attention from things and holding me back from getting things done.... I I sometimes have to keep the eye closed..... Okay- that's enough for now... tomorrow phase 3 let's hope we can get this nipped <B

P.S. Love how fall just happened on the last hospital visit on friday. Torrent winds dispatching bright orange and reds underneath the  grey sky... ^_^

Gabba Gabba gay (warning mentions [lots of] puking)

I love the RAMONES R.I.P all of you...

Oh mannnnn! So talk about my favorite movie monster (Frankenstein) I need to be patched up like every five seconds... That long awaited visit to the eye doctor... was unsuccessful. My eye started hurting in the middle of the day this time, which had never before happened on Wednesday.... Yesterday it hurt to move my eye and I was highly sensitive to light... So I took some Norco (on an empty stomach... ). This had messed me up in addition to my eye... I was all sorts of tilting and what not... let me tell you I can't remember the last time I've puked in public... But I did on the eye doctor bathroom floor... luckily  i did not get any on me... then I would have had to make that walk of shame and the cab driver might have not been too happy... eeep. I also puked 3 times in the mall bathroom, and almost missed my ride. When I got home, I took a nap hoping this would take away some of what ailed me... It made it worse somehow. So, the boyfriend mentioned (I'm assuming half kidding) that I go to the emergency room. We did just that and were there till slightly after 1 Am... It was so bad that I needed my guy to direct me around like ray charles. I had a rag pressed over my eyes... it nauseated me to see light. I tried to look for like one minute when entering the hospital... Apparently right upon entering the door I puked... And nearly on the security guard... That would have been a sroty, ... it still probably is lol. But the told me I have something called Iritis (Eye-ritis) It's essentially this infection.... But what it does, is it constricts a very specific part of the eye (the iris) It wasn't doing its job that's why my eye hurt in the light. So my night ended at about 2 after I ate a subway pizza- Hey! I Threw up everything I ate yesterday!

Today I get to go to the regular doc and mention my new issue as well as asking her if I have Sleep acid reflux for my dentist's knowledge. THEN I have to go get my new perscription which only has a name brand, so even with insurance it's $134... gross. Then tomorrow I have another eye doc follow up ... and then I see my dentist on tuesday... Is this an indication of what 25 is going to be for me? The docs were asking me all of these questions and again were pretty surprised at how healthy I am... It's like "hey, I play by the rules, leave me alone health issues". On the bright side, going to the other side of town allows me to pick up a comic I wanted to grab yesterday, I mean I'll be right there- so why not? Always gotta look up.

For instance it's pretty evident that I'm not going to be able to wear one of the most important aesthetics of my costume... which means some money was wasted.... But I didn't despair, this morning when I worked out I came up with other options that involved no eye make up of contacts. I'm not nearly as thrilled with them as the original but hey. One, I could just be a sort of indian. The other option does not compromise the husky concept. I could get a mask and either paint it.. or I could find a mask that is dog like. If i paint my own husky face- I can take some bright blue nylon mesh and attach it behind the eyes that way the eye idea is still there and I can see :D. I think I'm going with that one so far.

It seems as though the weather is slowly starting to stick. Already next weekend it will be time to make treats ^_^. So far I've got candy apples and cake pops as Ideas. I just made cake pops and I am really happy with how they turned out... I didn't coat them but they still turned out great. They were pumpkin candy corn. I'll have to play a =round with some other combination ideas before next weekend . This weekend is still up in the air... Hopefully some decorating that I need help with and the cider mill, maybe see my friend, she seems like she wants to? lol Have to wait and see. Well, time to get started lol! <B

Frosting train

WOOT WOOT!

It's been a week, I've been floating around here and there... not particularly doing anything. I have not heard back from the sex place lol. School has been good though lol. With the strange exception of a new potential friend that I cannot hang out with due to a jealous boyfriend? An excuse, or a jerk of a guy... I don't know really. Ummm I had my first publishing, and reading in the same week... needless to say I was like a cat in the rain.... (cats hate water, so  the image I have is that the cat is happy to be outside, but is really looking to get to safety.) It was good enough to get published but it was a small victory only in a school chapbook. I was reading and have published work that I saw as sub par.... that's it! I'm only going to use the "big guns" in the way of writing. People told me it was good and what not. I'm not discrediting what is good when I tell you. I'm not happy with it. In my opinion, all of my greatest inspiring artists will be pretty point blank about their art. these poems were not my best work... Only one of them was semi- thought provoking and inspiring. I want to give back to the people like myself out there. I want to find them and give them what the artists I adore have given me. Regardless of what I've eaten, what I've done, or haven't done yet- I need to be there for myself. I really need to start diving into the words (interviews and writings of) my artists... because they push me, and inspire me about as much... if not more to get my feet racing... I'm already moving at a sprint compared to years passed. This year has been great- it's not over yet but I am calculating what next year will be for me. If I do not have my poetry published twice more... I'll last aim for my own book being published... the final step will be the reach for self publishing.

Wow that was a lot heavier than I anticipated it to be! However, I do feel it to be uplifting so that's good.

Yeah, I'm anticipating on next year- but I'm trying hard to stop depending on tomorrow.

I had my dear friend at the poetry event... Which made me  very proud... I always thought she would be there should something like this finally happen. Thank you :).

So I've indulged in much frosting... Tsk tsk. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying I have a vigilant eye atm. Trying to live not entirely through my eyes, my head, or my heart... but all of them... it's hard not being over thoughtful, over feel, over aesthetic. [negative thought omitted] This week will be medicinal. Tomorrow I see the eye doctor, my counselor, and my support group. The following day, my regular doctor, and the day succeeding that I will be seeing the dentist. I've worked so hard to cement things this year both mentally physically and emotionally. So cheers to that- Stay with me there's on more paragraph.

Bry... BRY wake up! It's Autumn (though you'd not entirely know it) and tomorrow is your month!!!! HAIL HAIL! (felt right it was lyrics from a song I'm listening to) This weekend is the cider mill, then, treats with the midgets, then I'm another year older.

"Is this the year we get our rocket launcher arm attachment for our arm?"

"No... that's next year"

"Makes sense that's when I'll need it"

Who knows if there is anything before or in between crossing the fingers right now. I am going to start pushing myself into society (Necto monday mainly) I need to relinquish my fear and distrust of the world. I dart back in forth between  seeing trust as an opening in my the lightweight armor I wear.

You can't be throwing grenades if you want people to know you're a nice person . I can easily share myself with girls... but for the boys, my one man army is on a hair trigger.... Reconcile this Bry, somehow... reconcile <B

Working with Dix

Oh, grow up!

I can't I won't.. not at all. Today I pushed forth some effort in the form of an application. I think I impressed the boss. I used some humor, some smiles, and I typed up the printed filled out app. She was impressed by all of this even my field of study :). The catch is there will be so many dicks at this place... like for real.. I applied for a job at cirilla's (It's a sex shop)... Little ol me selling an array of dirty tools. muahaha. I'd have a fairly good insight I feel.. I've experimented in some weird things... 0.o and I've always been willing to share with those who have the ears to listen. I mean using fake blood, for "alone time" how many people can say they've done that... okay, how many people would admit to it if they had...? Then there's me... I'd have too much fun I'd want to know how all of the products worked! Gotta know your product inside and out right?!?!? XD PUNNNNNNN!
So, that's good.

Music is only getting better for me. I'm learning to rely on loops less. I'm making very simple tunes and the like but I'm still producing fairly cohesive sounds.. I've found I can do some really cool things... and the more I experiment the more, that I dig into it everyday... I get into a groove and it's like I'm a gamer.. a productive gamer- which is far more gratifying. My BF's friend had told him that he has a cousin or what not that is certified in HVAC and is having a hard time trying to find work. So.. This gives me greater hope... The combined forces of my interest for expansion, that little bi of knowledge and the fact the even Wallside Windows has some pretty heavy electronic beats in their commercials all help. I mean COME ON! I even heard crazy dubstep music on the commercial for the channel 2 news!

Health is interesting... both mental and physical.. I'm going to an optometrist, my regular doctor, the dentist, and probably a nutritionist and a couple of other specialists soon too possibly... I want to optimize both my body and it's energy. I've been following all I can get by word of doctor and self research... not buying into the gluten free hype.

I'm not popeye I don't eats me spinach. <B

0p3r8

I really should read the last blog I post before I catch up!

School is good... 

Halloween plans are closer to being finalized... I know that the Bf and I are about to go to the apple orchard next weekend. the weekend after that is the day with the midgets, (BF's niece and nephew) So we'll make some Halloween treats watch some inspiring movies, and head to Greenfield village. this Day will be as much for me as it will be for them. Weekend after that I am at age 25. I don't mind my age- no. What I do mind is the precious time that I have left and what I want to accomplish before that bell tolls. Anyway,s I'll be going out to Halloweekends for that...I might even go on the rides... I mean after all this season is one of, horror, wonder, and creativity. The haunted parts won't scare me lol. Ummm And We might be going to this art gallery thing which would also take care of the art trip I have to take for class and do a paper on. Our H-Day Decorations have also started to appear :D. 

Costume- the trial with the latex... a bit... of a failure... I ended up (despite every sense of danger I felt) tried to apply it over my eye... Careful as I was it still leaked into my eye... over the contact... My eye was (thankfully fine) but I had to get new contacts... Not knowing wha to do about the make-up I had to make my journey to Sephora yesterday to get some Make-up... $100 dollars later, mission accomplished. I got some new contacts coming in soon, which actually happened to look way better than the original. I still have to by a tight tech shirt to cover my mid section. this costume will be the most in depth I'll go costume wise for quite a while... I have spent at least $300 dollars on it... And for that I must work hard to make it look like $300! That being said, I am not wearing this particular costume around the small ones for fear of it getting ruined. I will be something that I already have components for. The working ideas are a ghost, Jack Frost, a scarecrow, A doll, clown, or a skeleton... Surprisingly (I have only been one of these before. 

I've been bobbing up and down from my personal attacking... I've not been tearing at myself just working on the much discussed fine tuning. I think I will Reconnect to some social media... Just put a narrow path on it as I originally had... Only use tumblr and others as outlets for whatever I feel. I would just have my blogs on tumblr but... I can't customize as freely and... Why would the people I attract by my creations and interests want to go through these? Well, I'm off to do no good. <B

dead skin

Okay, I said I'd be chipper. Fake- It- Till -yamakeit # bad muthafucka. But yeah this last weekend felt really good starting out with the said haunted garage sale. This was a gathering formed by a crew I never knew existed called the Motor City Haunt Club. After all this time scouting for other like beings... I found some gathered under one roof rejoicing in orange and black. There was a mixture of both purchased and custom made products. I got a couple of things. I got some mini figures of  Ash from Evil Dead, Chucky, and Sammy from Trick R Treat- he is my favorite! And, he like Ash, were the last available! Sammy is mainly my favorite because he the film he is from made him a very distinct face of Halloween for me...  He's menacing and adorable. I also got a Nosferatu poster- which is pretty great due to seeing that for my first time last year with a live organ being played in the background. The deathbird's song sings. Due to the weird feeling I've been having though... I didn't take from the experience what I should have... I was still highly guarded and even then couldn't make sense of it. But I least I've joined the group. ^_^

The birthday party for the BF's niece was really cute. I spoke to most everyone ... after some Angry orchard.. probably couldn't have done it otherwise. I ate so much... sugar and white bread lol. I'm not condemning myself for it though. good. This was a really great weekend.

Still pacing around my head on the right next steps to take... don't want to make a side-step on a narrow path by accident... likewise, I don' want to underestimate any heights I could fall from. that's all I'll say about that because I'm tired of talking about it... I have to deal with it. I'll do what I must.

the new Celldweller album is awesome (as expected) the lyrics to the song "Lost in Time" resonate EXACTLY with what I'm thinking about lately.

" A problem im not solving
Eternally revolving
I wandered from the pathway
Praying you will come to save me

I feel lost in time
but if I wait for direction my lifetime will pass me by
I feel lost in time
I think if live for forever this feeling will never die"  

<B

Quite possible...

Anything, as long as you put your mind to it right?

"Where there's a will there's a way"... "All you have to do is want something, and then let yourself have it!! okay, so that last one was the grandmother from Halloween town explaining spells- SO WHAT?!? Same principle. I'm at a power struggle I am, I am!

What is it now Bry?!?! Identity. I've had a very flimsy definition of self- for ... forever really. All I know is I classify myself as different... a bit eccentric.. confused.. immature... kinda responsible? Point that I'm attempting to make is... How does one strive for their own path when they don't really know whose path they are looking for... and I don't want to pull my disorder card (but I will). Bi-polar messes with consistency.. if you know me you know this. This might be one of the many reasons I plant myself so deep into Halloween... it's all I know I have... at the end of highschool... I never payed mind to what came next... things kinda slid down the hill. But I did have plans and things I oddly enough did... I feed on constructive criticism... I keep biting dry sources. I tried to watch a video about HVAC by the way... B-o-R-i-N-g Maybe it's cuz I'm hands on? idk... All I know is I want to make some good choices now... Isn't life all about trade offs really?

Eat that cake- it's delicious... but there's the guilt. Oooo a pleasant sugar buzz too but no good. Relating to my epiphany.. I can choose the one I would snooze over work for someone, Know my day almost everyday... be exhausted- that's my interpretation of HVAC.

It's finer points are the fact I'd have a set structure.. which I do well with. I'd get vacations, weekends off...  But then... I KNOW I'd always question what if about the music. I'm sure I'll do that in what ever direction I move but that's just how I am. Ponder...ponder...ponder. My  gut is broken of late... can't follow it.

When I dropped out of High school... I knew I was going back that same year and graduating.. I felt like I was making a terrible mistake and I almost cried that day... But! I stuck to my plan... I just barely got accepted (the final class I needed had a last slot open..) but I achieved it.. I did this with a care free attitude and when people seemed shocked or worried that I bailed for those few months telling me "Make sure you go back" or "hope you know what's best for you". I Didn't care... I had a plan... and also, I had free time. Maybe the over analyzing is what's keeping me at a stalemate...

Unfortunately, the way I learn a (mass) majority of the time is through crash and burn. I've been getting better about reconfiguration of things... short term... heh.. THIS is why going on a long journey for a degree would kill me.... I've very nearly used the aid allotted for the certificates... I can imagine the circles I run in dialing up my loans if I didn't have a roof I'll hit soon.

So, I think I just have to live... it seemed to work before. Easier said than done.  I mean could I be a writer? Is that even a valid option? ... random thought..

I've been dodgey of people due to being highly unsure of all of these things... which is sad cuz I want to show people how cool I can be. I keep meeting people who are gifted... or have their things... their talents... I... don't know what I'm good at... I have a tot's attention span... the soul of a jaded old man, the heart of a child, I'm pretty sure my brain is just this weird mixed media soup, and the curiosity of a cat. I have no clue what my calling is these things considered. I can write and kind of make music... But that's all I am really good at...

As much as I want to float and say that everything will meld.. like I did with school... My defenses are hair triggered. Maybe I should lay back... thinking about this all day everyday... trying to burn both ends of the candle... new blog soon.. more light-hearted... involving my membership to the motor city haunt club, the halloween garage sale, my new friend, and more <B

Such a tease

COME'ON!!! I'm already indecisive!

I woke up up today a little grumpy... let's just say it's appearance anger lol. Hey, it happens. Got a lot done within the last 7 hours. I did my exercising, and then I tore into it. I checked into craigslist and found a potential job at Wiard's as a monster for the haunted attraction "Horror Nights". Indecision strikes again... Something I want to taste...yet it cock blocks 2 of the things I've been after all year. Halloweekends.. and potentially the Halloween greenfield village with the kids... So, I'll weigh everything out and I'll just go through the motions. I'll go, I'll apply and see how flexible theey are, perhaps I can have my birthday weekend off? At least my birthday? We'll see I might only be able to make the weekends (excluding friday) anyways as the horror begins at 7:15pm. I don't drive, and the bf doesn't get home usually till about an hour before. 

I also found about about the haunted garage sale this weekend in Bellville... OMG! I can find some people who get me... good, great! ^_^ It seems like it organized by some people called the Motor City Haunt Club. Maybe I can join? So what's the biggest part of the day regarding said indecision? Well I was doing the research over the fields I could potentially study... Looking at my first pick, the Audio engineer, and the HVACR I saw something interesting... they are about on the same level of pay, and need. I took a look at something I never saw on my schools site. The information it gives is the percentage of students surveyed who said that they found jobs, and both were at 100% Engineering said that they found work within 180 days. HVACR said they found work within 100 days. Now... I'm a little skeptical of either move. Both seem to be on the same level. Both have the same potential for downfall. Oy Vey. <B

Uncle Anger Pancakes

mmmm pancakes

Wow... I don't even remember what I last talked about, I'm too lazy to look . OH! it's been like... saturday.. ish? Little has changed... a lot more self discovery as the norm for this year I'm pleased to say. 

Driving, I'm good at turning, I'm intimidated in some areas though. but otherwise I'm good, when I achieve this, the feat of being able to drive- I will have accomplished 95% percent of all goals this year. The other 5? I need a tooth guard to I don't grind my teeth away. On Monday... er... yesterday I had a really good and well needed conversation with my college adviser. Turns out there are some moth holes in the plan I had spun to attempt a couple of certificates simultaneously. Turns out for what I am looking for, I am only allotted so many credit hours... Most certificates range from 15 to 20 credits... I've done 37 and most of them were failed attempts at what I thought I wanted. So, I have about enough credits to fulfill one certificate... The specifics of that is a mystery but I'm going to study up. I might have mentioned at least one other route, Heating, ventilation, and cooling. Well, that is something I'm keeping as a prospect- front of the line in fact. But again, going to look into other fields. What I need from the work will be the following:

1. I feel I need to be behind the scenes, like a repair person- a specialist in the shadows... kinda like a reverse assassin. You know, fixing things instead of killing them? Bah, you're no fun.
2. This next one kind of ties into the first one. I want to be able to maintain myself and whatever fashion I so choose. if I want sleeves of tats so be it. 
3. I want something that will give me money of course. While I really wanted to do music there was/is no guarantee I would make it unlike a skilled trade.  

Now, I'm not throwing out the music aspect of things... it will still be a part of me as much as my writing... (which  I've been neglecting to learn more about music) but it will stay a hobby for a minute. You see the reason I want a job that can fulfill some fairly good income is that I have high hopes for going back and taking the classes for the music production by paying for it. That is, if I'm still into it- digging the idea whatever you wanna call it. I felt growth in the very instant of meeting... The words fell from my mouth with such ease admitting that I should steadfast to a trade,.. at least for awhile. - Of course, holding the fire of the dwindling aid beneath is assisting in my decisions. But Everything I said and thought converged. - Try later. 

Ohhh that's about it... I got a new hat today... tonight's a full moon, the air is very comforting, I've got a lovely caramel apple for devouring, Ummmm yes- food. Along with having a good amount of sleep. I've been trying o allow myself to indulge a little more. I've had a lot more energy and been happier. I mean I have my moments where I look at my tummy and I get paranoid... but for anyone who's ever known me... gut or not- I'll probably see one anyway... which I'm also going to address with a nutritionist! after all these years the root of many of my evils might be decoded. A LOT of my bad moods and what not have been due to my weight and self consciousness - Always talking about food (whether love or hate). So yeah, finally getting this in the open should really help me be more hospitable. 

Fall is fighting... it's calming down... I keep saying it... but I think it's close... Fall... Halloweekends opens this friday. Still need to find someone to tag along to cedar point for my B-day next month... I'll cross my fingers but my friend count went down again... not even because I was mean or anything... what a drag! I'm handling it fairly well though and that's all that matters. OH I met some cool people in my classes perhaps I can collect them?!?! ...oh that was creepy... REDO: Maybe I could be friends with them. (Much better) Both super nice... and one of them... oh man... one has a vicious sweet tooth too... peer pressure- I can feel it already. <B

Bowels

[fart noise]... I'm mature :D

Yesterday was really cool, Don't remember if I posted or no, let's go with not.... So, I saw a shit ton of my family yesterday. Saw mom, Saw my uncle which I haven't seen in 6 years, saw my grandpa which I haven't seen in 6 years. My uncle was really cool, I never really knew how to talk to him when I was younger, maybe I couldn't relate? I am not really sure but relationships of all kinds: family or friends are really important to me. Grandpa was really doing well it seemed in the nursing home, which was a very nice place. Sometimes it registered that I was his grandson all grown up, other times, he wasn't. Asked me if my mom or my dad was tall :/. He did however make a comment of self awareness admitting that he doesn't always have a grip on his thoughts. When on the subject of school I told him I was following music, surprisingly he said excellent... and he said it with enthusiasm! THAT was one of the most touching moments I've had with my grandfather... EVER! :D thank you Gramps.

Today was also the beginning of something new... I started drivers training.... Whoa man... I just got done with it in fact! The woman... was crazy.... GOOD. It was this big black lady and she was super funny and calm! I was doing so well, we both thought... a little rough on my braking, and distance between the cars ahead of me but other than that I'm good apparently. Today our main focus was on just getting the feel of the wheel. we basically just drove forward with the occasional turns and what not. Tomorrow... round two!

Now, for the rest of the day and future plans. Today I'm mainly going to be cleaning, tweaking my Halloween make-up, and internet window shopping. All signs point to this weekend kicking off the fall!... I'll be waiting <B

At the end of an empire..

^_^ Fangirling!!!

Well, due to preordering the new Celldweller album I just got the free download of the single from it!!! It's very different, more rock oriented than the last it seems... but with a name like End of an Empire... it's not gonna sound like a dance album.

This weekend was pretty F---- awesome. Didn't do too much but it was really nice. There was a lot of food involved as many other peoples. There was alcohol... last time I drank was...  a month and a half ago. So, my drinking isn't very prevalent. Ummm, I haven't used ketchup in about a week believe it or not... barely using condiments... using the hell out of deli mustard... which it like 1/3 as bad for me as ketchup. Got some caramel apples... new cologne shaped like a skull. FINALLY got some eye liner too, so I can now do more test runs for my husky make-up. After all, October is only a month away!!! Have you seen all of the displays and  the caramel apples... I saw an open orchard... Yes, it's true... And, since I check the weather religiously it says that this is the last week that will feel like summer. I just came...

Health wise this weekend has been good. I've been pretty alive and alert I feel... It could be the sugar I was ingesting or!... I bumped my wake time to 7am... Not only does that feel more natural for me... but I feel better throughout the day. I had a couple of dizzy spells ... but I don't know why... I ate everything all day for the entire weekend... I only drink water and plenty of it so... I'm not dehydrated. Odd. Today, I get to go to the best class I have ever taken so far! This is going to be pretty great. You need a little something everyday I feel to help push you along... Or I do I at least.. I need some positive things for my day to go well. I get excited about going, I come back all excited that I'm learning more. I've made some very wise decisions this weekend. I figure I'll go for one certificate at a time! Why not?? because first off, it'd be a little less confusing and that way I could be taking classes that interlock and I could easily get one certificate out of the way by going full time every semester. I have to fight to live beyond my upbringings. The one thing that I love... is I may quit for a minute or two... but I never stop thinking... and I'm persistent. I guess that's two heh. ALSO! I think I'm going to not go for the comic idea just yet... I think I'm going to work on writing the story see where that goes, if someone will publish it, or if I have to etc. So, I don't lose all of my other ideas I decided to just work on them all sporadically, as they all are some extension of me... some projects are bound to pull more from you than others... you'll never know unless you give them all fair chance rather than... no... just working on this.... I also feel this is how a lot of writers, musicians, and other people who put stuff out rather quickly do it... Is they were in the process of working on this or that before their last work was put out for the public.... So, let try it!

WEEEHHOOOOOO!! It's time for things I'm looking forward to!

There are surprisingly a lot more this month than I would have believed! To kick things off, Tonight's episode of faceoff is going to be the competition of the judges!!! Badass!!!! Next, I start drivers training the same days that are seemingly going to sail off into the cool depths of the fall. Then Next Tuesday.. is a full moon!!! Then over the weekend more training and my boyfriend's niece's princess themed birthday party... I'm going to dress up... you know... as a prince ;p. Then... Celldweller's new album the following Tuesday. The next Tuesday is the Autumn equinox. The last Tuesday of this month is Gerard Way's solo album. I told you September is only a prelude to October. <B

The golden chalice

The holy grail, the unicorn of my life right now trying to achieve my elusive balance again. Who's a broken record? This guy lol.

Yesterday I became sluggish, lethargic... both? I hit my slump and I din't know what to do with it. I never have really... I just stop and I can't do much of anything... I did sleep till 6:30 today- is not the schedule I want... so I'll keep pushing my wake time to be later (until I reach 8). It's either that or, pulling my bedtime back... and nobody wants that. I'm sure that if I keep the same bedtime and go through my trials one of the times will just be... right. Should I wake up early, I'll get up that must mean that my body had enough. Today for example, I could have easily slept at least another half hour... but I attribute that to waking up at 12:30 Am due to my eye hurting me again... So I lost a half hour of  sleep waiting till the pain subsided.

I really hope they get back with me about my eye exam referral.

I spoke with Best friend about what's been going on with her and what not... that's all I really had to do... I knew that.. I just for whatever reason didn't want to? Odd. We're supposed to hang out soon. I've decided too, that it's also good to have a plan to some degree but you will literally die trying to account for everything. That, being said I want to let things happen organically. Do what I need to but not labor on potential consequences or the potential rewards. But allow for them to just be.

Found lots of new music, been into a lot of score type stuff lately. Reflective of what I'd like to create I suppose. Lot's of Charlie Clouser, and a new score person whose done music for an impressive amount of television his name is C.M. Dess he's even had his music in a Harry potter movie. A lot of the music behind shows I'm finding, are kind of like the writers and more behind the scenes people. I'm fine with that if that's what I become. By all means some people will be curious enough to seek me out. Anyways this stuff is multinstumental and the kind I usually listen to is the electronic metal fusion. It suit for my love for all things rock and electronic... so kudos. I think I might be bold enough to venture to that new coffee shop! OOOO and I get to finish my Halloween shelf today!!! this is gonna be good! <B

Ozone Coffee

It's out of this world. puh... that is an over used space pun if I ever heard one!

Yesterday... OH I'm gonna punch that nagging negativity that keeps rising up ... punch it square in the balls and then pour salt in it's eyes. Yesterday was good enough in the first half but man... when I hit that outside world my attitude plummeted. I've been very intro-verty.. Avoiding eye contact... being the only one of a classroom, or group to not laugh... I think that I'm pulling into my little hermit shell because silly things. Intro-verty won't cut it with making new friends lol. I got over it by eating my feelings. But it wasn't all too bad. Besides I got creative with it... I wanted something sweet and all I had available to me was a packet of hot cocoa mix... Not wanting hot cocoa... I thought hmmm. I went for the all natural peanut butter and mixed it kind of making this weird peanut butter cup frosting. It was rather delicious.

Today, Is fair enough no complaints, Kind of cool and breezy, sunny day... A holiday weekend in my midst, and a lot of ideas, of things to do and see and the like. I want to go to guitar center for their big sale to maybe get a better functioning audio system. I want to go to this mysterious and shady little coffee shop I found a hint of when I went to pick up my fizz water. No, literally - there was a sign saying "Secret Coffee" with a little hand pointing in the direction of the back of building. ... It's an addition to this wine and bakery... so maybe it's worth checking out. And being one of the first customers has it's advantages you know... I love under ground things..I also want to go to this store right beside it Called Ozone Music. I've been intrigued by it for the 4 months we've lived here...but never got to it... Feeding off of the positive vibes of my new class I am super curious. Going to My boyfriend's sisters this weekend. OOOO and I have this awesome Idea! I found some top 100 Halloween movie lists online. I thought it would be fun that when my boyfriend and I are bored we could watch the movie in correspondence to how many days are left till the big H. (I know when I talk it makes perfect sense to me but not everyone so, I'll explain). Tonight there are 63 days till Halloween thus, we'd watch number 63 on the list. Screw all of the T.V. stations and their 31 days or even worse... 13 DAYS of Halloween... that's all fine and good. But don't they understand that September is but a prelude.

What's on the agenda? tinkering with my music, some writing, some taxing phone calls to caseworkers, optometrists, a little painting, and some cleaning. Later I get some Sprat paint.. because I'm impatient like that and While I could say... "Well, I painted all of this by hand... Sure it took some time but... It taught me what it means to be a man..." I'd rather save the life lesson speech for grandpas.

<B

Not too shabby

Title is BOOOORRRRINGGG!

But, hopefully the content is the contrary. Yesterday was the first day of the music programming and sequencing class. I must admit.. I've been doing something right the last couple of days. Whether it's waking up at six, the protein the fruits and veggies or what. But I have been more alert and willing to do things. I feel better than I have since school started back up for me on May. that's crazy, nearly 4 months! it was really cool feeling the interest and passion of like minded people. The teacher seems like the perfect guy to be instructing us, he's a laid back hippie type who is confident in his abilities to teach us. I understood all and everything he was saying for the most part.. my attention (as I will always say is small) was kept still.. locked into the lecture at hand... A LECTURE!? I was intently honed in on a lecture! Yeah, that big of a deal. I spoke with a couple of people in the class other than that I was the shy old Bry :p. The class happened before the storm.

Very literal there was a storm... with sheets of rain, the sky seemed like it was near dusk. it even made the power flicker two or 3 times. they had to go on back up gens.

Surprisingly, there's not much more to say, I'm going to the boyfriend's sister's house for labor day weekend, ummmmm this summer thing is extending itself way too far into September from the news reports at least, I'm taking it easier on myself with my projects... oddly making me a little more interested in them than I was before. Today for instance, I worked effortlessly 3 hours on playing around with my music - that was my goal originally. I had set myself into it with kind of a double mindset, that I'd give it half an hour to an hour... I became immersed. I  only got a couple of quality things out of it mind you... but I'm still learning the ropes... everything else I have done up to this point is loop oriented.. I want to step out of that and use those things sparingly... like butter... or salt...  So before I share anything else I need to be in what I feel to be a better place with it. When you're proud of something it shows and it's easier for others to follow.

At least one more paragraph cuz I like to do things in 3's. Walks are becoming really popular with me. They help me to ground myself and slow down. When I notice myself start to kick up my pace because of anxiety... I catch it and cool down. This is also the part where I gush about my first love... ever... Fall. Supposedly it will be coming to town sometime next week? I essentially have the schematics for it. That cute little event for the midgets (that's what I call kids) with the Halloween treats and Greenfield Village.. it's going to happen, Jeff's sis thinks it would be a really cool idea! That really makes me smile. <B