Ala kazaam I guess

I've been getting the itch to do this. to willingly type up a blog. I try to do this more fluently, but only really succeed when I seem to be dealing with... stuff. But that's one of the major reasons this thing exists in the first place. So, as I might, or might not have said before I started a new medication. It's interesting... I'm not sure if that is interesting-good, or interesting-bad yet. All I know is I've been feeling like I'm on a boat, I'm fine... the weather (Latuda) is the changing factor. When I first started it, taking it in the morning I felt fine.... as long as I was lying down that is. So now I take it at night, when it's for all intents and purposes fine to be dizzy (if ever there is an okay time for that). I keep spacing out writing this as it is. If my grammar/ anything else sucks in this journal that's why. Let's keep moving. Anyways.... some things that I have noticed is that if I keep downing water... the remaining dizziness turns into energy.... but it's a mind game really. Because I feel like I'm moving sometimes when I'm not. I have to really pay attention to my hands sometimes because after moving... it feels like they could still be moving so if I stare at them for a minute, I know they're still. This is the first antidepressant that's had any oddball side effects. But as odd as it sounds... I kind of like them. When I can throw a harness on them, I feel fantastic and I can use it as energy... but when I can't my concentration suffers and it takes what feels like forever to get certain tasks done.

The switch to the medicine was meant to help be a stronger support for the coming months, as I also have Seasonal disorder. A lot of the depression can be thwarted by avoiding vices one has when depressed... My go to "drugs" are usually food and porn. Because much like drugs, they're fast and easy. But much like the illegal stuff they have their consequences. It all leads into a circle of self defeat. Over eating and over beating have no benefits except for ease and temporary appeasement. But that's what one turns to in moments of discomfort... things to kill the pain. When in reality the things that will kill the pain are opposite the actions you'd generally carry out. It's hard to do after a point because the negativity becomes habit. I'm by far not as down as I could be... not at all, I've been waking up at the same time, and working out everyday. But I do keep slipping on the food. I even managed to stop the other... that one was one hell of a mental pollutant. Even now I have to keep trying to face forward and not think about it.

Back to the medicine though,.. it's really just kind of a wild card I guess. I'll keep taking it and report how I feel to the doc. I'm not sure if the things are good or bad... Neither? Both? *shrug* What I can say for certain is that I'm not giving up. My emotions are wishing and washing from... I'm alone, to so what if I am. infinite tug of wars... But again... I'm finding squares of solace in the insanity. I learn things from the curses and praises, and the doubt and confidence.

Speaking of extremes... I'm so proud of myself for marching on with things. (not suicidal to clarify). I'm proud that I've been dragging my wheels across the ground when they don't want to turn. Very little has been appealing to me... or even seemingly attainable. I'll think of something I'd normally be giddy about and... nothing... try another? Mild interest. I feel like I want to do nothing a lot of the time... but then when I cave I'm tormented by the things I want to/ need to/ could be accomplishing. Then, there're the distractions. Kind of like the "drugs" of eating and hand dating, I've found things that require little to no thought with all of the zone out factors present. Phone games, and the music app on my phone... I can get lost in either for a good hour easy before I even realize an hour has gone... then I'll tell myself I can stop.... tsk tsk. I'm having to be very mindful of where I step in every direction... I keep myself out of the kitchen when it's not time for a meal, I have to hold off from seconds... As for the phone apps... I have to keep myself in the mindset that I don't have one of these fancy phones when I'm working on things. I keep wanting to delete the apps, but I've payed for them. So ignoring them will have to do.

I'm aware that the medicine isn't the only part of maintaining my disorder. But that's one of the things my depression helping me shirk. Ya have to do all of the things Bry, Bry. It may suck that you have to work extra hard to be on the same level of functionality as most. But you do.

After a very long pause. Ta ta. <B

Forever and roughly 30 Days.

I imagine too much has not been missed ^_^



PAST:

 I guess I'll start with Turkey day. It was cool, there's been a lot of meeting with family, which is, as many out there understand both wonderful and draining. Especially because I am fairly introverted and can handle so many people for so long before I want to say so long for awhile and then recharge in secret... Of course that's not too easily understood or acceptable around kids so... Yeah. There were two thanksgivings this year, I had sushi for each of them. How I love the fishy goodness. Ummm I've been rather hermit- ish. as in I haven't much been leaving the house unless necessary... not even going on walks... which I should probably make it a point to try. Cause it's supposed to be good for ya. Oh, and yeah. I recently have come up with the brilliant scheme of going on a juice cleanse... or smoothie diet whatever you wanna call it. There's two things I've noticed... either A: I'm doing it wrong and eating everything at the end of the night... and or B: I am getting the nutrients I need without the helpful hand of satiation. Dangerous mix the two. Because the numbers say one thing and then your stomachs like Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction... angry as fudge. Any who. The Bf and I just went to his sisters on Saturday for his god son's 3rd birthday. It was far more taxing due to both sides of the family being there... because one side has many... MANY offspring. Lemme think how many I know of off the top of my head... There were at least ten mobilized units, and then a larva. Like heated molecules they went in all and every direction, with dizzying speed.

CURRENT(ly):

I have been experiencing technical difficulties so to speak. MY emotions seem to have been processed incorrectly thus, making me haywire. How so? Well, I've been feeling things that I have not in at least.. 2 years... feelings of hopelessness I always envision myself walking about the cold and ice laden streets... or alone in a vast field of ice... just wandering without direction. SAD is a very real aspect of my bipolar, but I'm working to counteract it so that's what matters. I was just added to a new medicine that should helpfully nip things in the arse. I can also tel that things are shoddy due to my voracious urges of late.. and my lethargic impulses to do nothing... want to do something... but nothing seems to have sparked interest... But food... an easy, fix... a drug to take and fall from. But I'm not one hundred percent in the minus, no. All of this stuff is more in the background of my mind than anything else. It's sadly surfacing.., but maybe it needs to ya know? Like a purge... sometimes you just need need a good emotional puke or so, to clear it from your body. Onto the future and things I looking forward to.



SOON:

Well, tomorrow is the first thing. There is a witch meeting tomorrow, and I'll hopefully see a cool cat there, and meet a few others. Day after that, I will try a writing workshop to get some constructive crits. Then Possibly after that is the Boyfriends work party. ... Parties are a bit tricky for me when I want to try and be healthy... For example the birthday party. I managed to say no to the pizza and obligatory cake and I ate only the veggies without dip... Didn't even drink... but that's mainly because they didn't have anything of interest to me. Even then I would have watered it down. But the alcohol helps me cope. Especially right now when I am in the kind of state that I am... Plus there's the fact that, most of the food is crud... so I guess it's a pick your poison situation... Because you're there for quite awhile a lot of the time, and even if you ate prior... chances are your stomach will scowl with hatred.
Then maybe Saturday, we'll see my bf's, and I's friend and maybe do the zoo light... thing. The following week is kind of recovery thus far... as there is not too much that's going on. There is rumor of a party that we're invited to... but these parties are kind of... mentioned on pretty short notice... I'm assuming it'll be that weekend. And then Christmas with both sides of the family. Should be really cute! UGH I know I was just complaining about poor eating choices.. but I really do want to have the coffee drink of the season...A.K.A. as the peppermint Mocha... and not just from anywhere... but probably S-Bux... THE ONLY reason is because their syrups are superior... The other coffee places I've had just don't do it for me! ... OOO haven't been to B-24's in a spell. Maybe I'll try them! It is rather cozy there around this time. Well, that's it for now! Hopefully I'll post more fluently... (and didn't use all of brain writing this up)

SEEYA! <B

Crumbling cookies.

MMMMM sweet diabeetus.

PAST: So I've been neglecting this like a kid cleaning his room. Tossed carelessly into his closet. But things have for the most part been pretty stable. Some static involved but not too much. So Halloween was simple but fun. I'm at the point where I have had my fill for awhile ... till about February That's just how it goes for me. Things have been on the up for the most part. I thought to myself today that... I have inadvertently been achieving all that I set out to this year. Some of which I was very hopeless about. BUT. I managed to be more social, by some twist of fate, I'm learning how to drive and some other things that I'm momentarily at a loss remembering. 

CURRENT: I am listening to the last parts of the new Celldweller album and loving them!!! I have cleaned today, and am working ... slowly, on the rest of the stuff I wanted to do today. I also figured out some of the Thanksgiving stuff today. I' m going to have SUSHI! ^_^. And now I am writing this really quick before I submit my writing to some publications, putting my writing into the computer ... which shame on me... I have to type ALL of it into the comp. Because if I don't... I'll have absolutely nothing. So I'm going to take extra steps to ensure that I keep them,... I'm going to save them to a cloud, my external hard drive and a usb card... I'll have 3 copies! AND... My first coffee shop reading tonight at 5. That's the very beginning time because...this is new to me and I want to ease myself into it, going a little bit later each time. 

FUTURE: Some stuff is on the rise... I know I'm being super descriptive... but I'm honestly listening to music and I'm into it!!! So... I think I'm going to let some of my typos fly... maybe. But Yeah the obvious holidays are coming up and I'm stoked because I have family now. I have plans to be even better than this year. Which I can foresee happening very easily. I have other readings and meet-ups planned for my writing, so I can network and get feedback, all of that good stuff. 

But that's it... it's weird but... but I feel like I'm going forward... I just don't have many words to say right now more in the mode of acting. Which is far better. 

Ta Ta!  <B

icky wicky lollipop

Tally Up

Well, its the Friday of a pretty good week. I feel pretty damn accomplished with it! I mean Monday I went and got my permit so I can do driver's training again. I sent in for a replacement S.S. card, went to counseling and saw some cool people. 

Neat.

Yesterday was another fun little day involving both wants and needs. I heard some overtly religious people on the bus having an oddly civil discussion about gay marriage. I could hear it through my crappy headphones prompting me to join. I did... it was interesting... The two were both religious, one a little more aggressive, the other more neutral trying to understand where the other was coming from, and then the other end of the spectrum myself. Glad I did though. Was an experience.

Next was the rough draft day of the scene for my acting class. I did surprisingly well! My teacher ate it up! And people said that the casting for both roles was a good match up. ^_^ My character is a passive aggressive guy with witty sarcasm. So, it's not too far of a stretch. I got to be an authentic version of myself in a way.

Then, finally, I went to a writing meet up where I met a handful of other writers and the like. they were all rather nice people. I overspent though admittedly. Because I was nervous... so I drank... the place was not cheap because it was one of those "hip" local bars...meh. But it was still decent stuff.

Now I have a handful of stuff I need to and want to accomplish today. This is one of them because, sure why not. I need to do the following yet.

• Get more bus tokens
• Look up laptop repair
• New Candle
• Put some of my coats up for sale
• Add up what I've spent recently
• fill out a job app
• plan a family event with My BF and his sister's little ones.
• Plan the little gathering stuff... 
• Get set up with driver's training
• Maybe get some new music bought
• Finish my Application for the bookstore
• Back up my computers files
• clean up the house some

Not necessarily in any order but these are the things. OH and writing stuff of  course! Researching, writing and such. I hope walk to Biggby and do that, because I'm inspired to do more I feel.

Wrapping this up quickly. I just need to keep up the pace. And try. And care... but not OVERLY  care. Tomorrow I plan on reading some poetry. We'll see how that goes!

Lovely day for a Gatling gun

bang bang bang bang!

A lot has happened  and not happened lol. I spelled that wrong twice in a row... But yeah. I've been doing more stuff than usual and it's become quite a journey. Allowing myself to open more... to feel more. It's really fascinating what I'm learning that I have lost for quite awhile. The acting class is extracting some interesting qualities from my pretty secretive life... But I love it... the things hardest to do usually have a great pay off. It starts off as fear.. and then anxiety, followed by pain... and then clarity.

So much clarity in fact... not a ton... but not all is clear all the time. I stood before my class in my self- management class, and she raved about my poetry... It's the thing that's made the most sense to me for the biggest portion of my life... but I always pushed it away as a pipe dream... and a waste of time... I spent so much time trying to integrate and masquerade as many other things... (a director, a clubber, a psychologist, and most recently.... a musician. This uh bipolar disorder... not to blame it all in this... hinders the stability of self image... it's a known system... But when I catch things that make sense and click they are cherished grand discoveries that I don't take lightly, but celebrate. While, I am not the best with punctuation and other facets of writing that I will have to work on. I have a smooth sense of wording... Yes the thing that has always felt right... didn't feel fake about myself was my writing. I mean, I love pens and empty notebooks... there's just soo much possibility and I just want to smother their pages with ink. Many revelations.. chances and thoughts .

But, that explains that.. concise and to the point I feel. I'm a writer and that's that.

What's been happening and is going to happen? I've started meeting some really cool people. Today might consist of the following: South Lyon Pumpkinfest, pants shopping, and seeing mom. Tomorrow, is a lunar eclipse :), Full BLOOD MOON the last one has not happened in 33 years!, then Monday Will be packed with the secretary of state, the social security office for a new social security card, and counseling, rewarded by the witches night out with ace people. Tuesday get your fix... it's national coffee day.
Thursday is going to be my second acting thing, but the rough draft of it. My character is uptight and fed up... perfect! The couple people that saw us practicing liked it.
The weekend I will go to my second poetry event and this time I will read more confidently. I have to start attending more of these things and make my name a little more known. And placing myself in more situations for networking purposes. Shouldn't be extremely taxing considering Ann Arbor is fairly literate.
The weekend after that there is a tentative Halloween Gathering.
And then the weekend after that is Halloweekends! One of the major staples as it is for my birthday.

some witty remark? nope.

icky icky whoopoing.

Monty python.

SOOOOO been a long time. Been busier than I'm used to which is both exciting and damning at the same time. I guess the past, and the current are one an the same for the time being.

I guess what I mean to say is, aside from a stronger motivation to get things done... I've been working far harder than I have before. and this started slightly before my classes too!. The classes are just amplifying things a bit. I've been trying to keep occupied at nearly all times... there, again is so much that I want to and hope to accomplish, and I'm late in comparison to many... but hey, I'm also ahead of some people too so, there's that.

I've gotten back into writing the abandoned story that I had started writing last year. My teachers as they have spoken have pretty much confirmed my attitude about things of late... Just do what you want to as far as art, if you mess up oh well! If it's crazy or sounds dumb... doesn't matter. Something good can come of it. you never know! If it's not obvious I resonate with both of my classes. I listen attentively to both my management and acting class teachers. The acting class I'll say has already been an experience and it's only been two classes. The first act is already this coming Thursday. It's easy enough for me to become a little overwhelmed with many people around as it is. But to have focus on me is very uncomfortable. BBUUUUUT I did that for a reason. You have to do scary things... things out of your norm... Besides, I like having random insights and such. I've met a handful in that class. But one in particular is super cool. Thus far we get along quite nicely! I've started up some talk with some strangers and what not... offered to share my umbrella. All things outside of my original design. But, that last part is really crazy, how many strangers do you think, would care to invite someone from the rain like that? In my head... my jaw dropped... but it felt sooo good.

As for today, I'm a little behind on somethings, I've rehearsed my scene for an hour, and recorded some of it, so I can tell what I like what works, what doe not... etc. I quit watching it because I had to move along with the rest of my day, but the last part I saw... I really liked the motions used. Very much... I got the feeling of it being organic... and just... right. ^_^  So I felt my chest swell with butterflies and I moved along. because for most things, I only find an hour appropriate, that way I can get all that I want done for the day, work on the story, learning audio etc... BUT I spend 2 hours writing, 1 on the bus and before class and the other when I get home... I do spend 3 hours on music, but I've split it into 3 sections: self exploration, research, and actual song creation.

Right.

Today is basically the end of the month, so my focus when I get back from counseling will be primarily on cleaning... Spending about (again) an hour one each room... And some other stuff.

Good vibes. <B

BURRRRRRP!

You're welcome.

I figured it is about that time again to spit out some knowledge, some insight, some memories.



PAST:

SOOOOO said baseball game happened. That was cool. I went into it exactly as I had intended which was indifferent. That way it was more likely that I would be less agitated. Needless to say it worked. Even when I was pressed in with a bunch of strangers, I was pretty damn calm. I found myself freaking out and was able to bring down my anxiety quite a bit by thinking myself through it.
Anyways, mom had the best time which was really cool, it was expected that she would enjoy the event the most. I feel bad though... I felt like and I actually knew that I was kind of ignoring her.. I am aware of that and as to why that is. But all in all a positive experience... and I got my crackerjacks!
Next up, my bf and I went to a wedding (his sister's sister in law) I'd only really seen her in passing at like birthday parties and things, but was invited by association. It was really cool, better than I would have thought. I even convinced my bf to dance to the funky chicken. Because that was the only song that sounded cool to me, and I could rationalize looking silly doing. That and I saw the withered faces of a lot of old people staring out into the dancing people with unaltered faces. One in particular stood out to me. I thought very quickly to myself, as I saw some ladies 3 times my age getting down on the floor, and two of which told me I need to be out there! HAHA. Yeah I should be. Life is short even if it was just one song. I need to be doing it! Enjoying the little life that I have left. I didn't want to be like the other spectators... wasting the even shorter time they had left, unenthusiastic, and confused on the sidelines.

CURRENTLY:

I am listening to some Celldweller to drown out the sound of the neighbors fraternizing. I think that it actually cleared them out. GOOD. I've started to wake up at six, because I have goals in mind and I need to keep them in my cross-hairs as often as possible and balance giving myself the credit I should be giving myself as well as the inspiration needed to fuel said dreams even further along. I'm pretty sure that was a run on sentence. But I've been watching more videos to learn things. Realizing more and more that if I want something I'm going to need to get moving especially because a lot of people my age are further along in their ventures. I didn't have that luxury when I was a youth. I mean I could have but I was enjoying the little bit of well deserved peace I was getting. Don't want to elaborate on that. I have a little board behind my comp that has the goals I've accomplished as well as some strong words of encouragement. I also came up with a new plan to kind of lock myself in my space for 3 hours at a time, and only leave to use the bathroom. I mean literally only leave to use the bathroom. I'll gather all the things that I think that I'll need and just station myself there. The reason for waking up at six though is to pretty much help justify to myself the lack of work that I'd be putting in otherwise at the end of the day when I am with my boyfriend. And being less annoyed about the time. So yeah.. Eye on the prize type thing, and being more organized trying to implement the creative process... I even though about leaving my phone out of the room while doing this. But for the most part I tend to not really realize it's in the room unless it's right on my desk. Even then sometimes... I get consumed... Which is one of the best things possible to realize that I've been so involved that I've been one with whatever I am doing.

FUTURE:

This weekend we are watching the dogs again, which as I have stated back a couple of blogs ago is a fun thing for me. It will especially be the the last thing before I am back to the school thing. Nervous, excited. But I'll attempt the neutral stance that has aided me quite a bit this year. Plus when school hits, it's essentially fall. I mean come on people look at the months as the markers for the seasons, not the specific date of he 21st... Sure that's the official... but people really see the fall as being September, October, November. With less than 2000 hours to spare until the big H I'm pretty optimistic.

<B

vampires hate you (vlog)

FULL MOONS I"M A SLACKER!!!

blahahahahahha

WOW! I actually looked back at the last time that I have posted an entry! 8 days? Crazy!

Anyways though. I think I've not been reporting in because I have felt sick and or haven't felt there was not enough for me to say. I DUNNO! But let's get intro this!



PAST:

 Okay, so what's been up Bry Bry? Ah, nothing much. Being too hard on myself.. Not sleeping that well, trying a new med that made me sick. ummm okay... anything good though? Well, yeah I've kept up almost 3 whole weeks of being dairy free! Good job. Yes, good indeed. I've been feeling really sluggish and stuff. That kinda sucks... but I'm working on seeing a neurologist hopefully next month. Hopefully it's sleep related, because I do not know what else could be the cause. What Else... What else! OOO! Probably my favorite thing! On Sat or Sun, the bf and I rearranged some stuff. It has made the flow of everything so amazing! There were a couple of reasons for said rearranging of the house/ rooms. But the main one was that, I love being in solitude in the morning... I'm not that social of a being to begin with, but that morning isolation is much needed to carry on and collect thoughts and stuff. Because when I invest in something... I become enamored... BUT it's not to the point where everything else is filtered out... In these moments I need to be alone... Other presences distract me. .... except for sometimes when I'm in public, and the anxiety actually helps me to focus and pull my head out of the world that surrounds me... What can I say other than I am what I am and I do what I do. I can only work with my cards and try to play them in the best ways possible.

ANYWAYS... Focus Bry. Okay we got this. But what we did is we put the treadmill in the guest room which was one the "guest room/ office room". We moved the stereo in there, (which knowing me, I'll follow my stereo, it's how I work out... it's how I've worked out since the dawn of my exercising. Sooo I am back into my own domain, and I don't feel like my morning space is being invaded, and my bf doesn't feel like he's being invasive. In addition to that awesome move... We also moved my little work space into the room! So now I have my own little space, and we can separate if needed. I love it... Now I have sunlight right behind me.... I can control the amount of light coming in through the room, (the curtains in the other room were fixed, light could get through, but the only way to get the most light was to raise them up. and I was off to the corner which felt awkward like my inner child had done something wrong. Back to the perks of the new room.

I can burn my candles in it safely, My stereo is right next to my desk, So if I want some better sound I could hook my comp up to my stereo. Everything has great flow here.

And then there is the empty space... now in the dining room. ;(... but NOT TO WORRY!. The bf also get's a sweet deal! he got to buy the dining room table he has been eyeing for the whole 8 months of this year. It's a nice honey colored corner table booth thing... Like the kind you would find in the corner of a restaurant. And now that I won't be all naked and stuff in the living room, we can keep the side window open! Let some awesome sunlight in all the time and letting the nice view in. That's great because that's one of the features of the place that had made me fall in love with it! SOOO that's what has happened! So little but yet so much!



PRESENT:

 Today is in the air... No not because it is one of the freestyle days. But because had been feeling for awhile that I was trying too hard to force a schedule upon myself and... MAKE myself do things... When you try and make yourself to do things in art... at least for me... it turns out gross and I hate it and it just doesn't feel right it really strips the magic from the project. I mean don't get me wrong there needs to be guidelines to some degree. Like the amount of hours of each you'd like to get done. But doing marathons are... gross and discouraging. At least for me they are... I need to do what pops into my head when it pops into it! Just a thing.. Always been that way... when I force it I draw a blank and I'm over it. And I am sad because of that... and this nasty cycle of resentment. So.. yeah basic guidelines will help... and there's also some other good things... with things that I would like to time... I SHOULD literally time them. With the timer/ alarm on my phone... Put my phone down and try to give myself fully to whatever it is that I need to or want to be doing. Which, again is a personal thing that helps me ... kind of relieves me... Takes the weight from the things just a little bit kind of locking me in to a time frame... that's not too long not supers short. And then sometimes, I'll go the half hour route. That mean's I'll do something for half an hour, if I'm not feeling it right then and there, then I'll come back later. BUT if I am enjoying it and I I'm in the zone so to speak... I'll just keep it up. So, yeah... it is usually around these times that the lightening up is surprisingly helpful... it helps me to be more positive and more proactive... because I'm not being one of those overbearing parents to myself... You know the one... the one that wants their kid to be perfect and pushes them to the breaking point all of the time... And then when I don't adhere to that inner voice it batters me.

Simply stated I usually over stress to the point of stagnancy...

THIS JUST IN!!! I almost died... or really fucked myself up! Why? The table came! I try to tumble it up the stairs by myself to surprise the boyfriend... Alas I could not... I got stuck... I also slid back... and it would have crushed me for sure!... By some fate...I called for him... and he heard me from his nap... and help me get it back down the stairs at least. WHOO!! excitement... endorphins! Blood pumping action!



FUTURE: 

August is full of necessary evils and somethings that put the FUN back in FUNCTIONS!! ... yeah that wasn't good lol. But the nearest thing is probably the full moon on friday... The second full moon this month. Which I hear is extremely rare... So it should be more special... I should really try and go out that night and visit it.
Then there's the baseball game I have mentioned. that should be unique. I'm most exciting about the cracker jacks... but I really do care if I come back... that'd be scary... am I the only one who thinks that it's horrifying that you usually hear kids singing that song by the way? I'm sure John Walsh hates that song.
Then a wedding... I'm not particularly thrilled.. I don't know the people... I've met them but hardly talked to them and stuff... It's the sister in law of my Bf's sister. Ummm free food and booze though, should I (probably) choose to indulge in that.
Then watching the dogs again.. earlier blogs say that.
I gotta get school books.. and go to a thing for the job rehabilitation thing that I finally signed up for. Andddd, last but not least Go back to school.
And again... I don't mind August... Especially if it's got things to look forward to to help the month pass... It's like fiber for a month that is constipated. But again... Halloween stuff is on the rise... August this the beginning... muahahaha.

One last thing... there is the possibility of going to Chicago on my B-Day weekend.... THAT"S AWESOME. Fall, awesome....October, awesome...Birthday, awesome... Chicago awesome... All together plus right around Halloween?!? This might rival my best birthday to date! (my 17th). But As with everything I shall go in with compressed expectations... as much as I can for going to Chicago around my B-day. Worst case scenario we can't go. Oh well. the back up of Halloweekends is still awesome! And now that I'm getting better at trying to make my B-day this grandiose thing... I can take what I get... I mean I already have it in the best season, the best month, and 13 days before the best Holiday

... Nuff said

<B

dlnvoirjiojvjoigfoinvldsn because why not?

Brain... failing...



PAST:
I'm not quite sure than has been anything too titillating. What's happened though? Well, I'll tell ya. It's been different. Not sure if good or bad. But what I am sure of is that I am changing. I saw my psychiatrist again, and we mutually decided I should add a little extra medicine. NOW, I've been feeling a little strange since then I won't lie. But maybe it's because I need to adjust? I am not really sure as there are other variables present that I could change and see if they factor in, or if indeed the medicine is the culprit. I've been eating a lot of sugary things... I guess enjoying the things that I can eat now. I've been without dairy for nearly two weeks. Sure it does suck. But I've noticed that I'm a  lot more regular.... I sound so fucking old. It's supposedly really good for you as we don't need milk. Its more of a treat like anything else involving dairy... chocolate and almost any other creamy thing. But it's for the best this way. Because it saves me... it's indeed a net. now I can't just go anywhere and pick up a treat. except oreos... did you know there is no dairy of any kind involved in it... Scary I know but delicious the same.  But yeah, the boyfriend has been more on tack than I have food wise. It's whatever I only have to impress myself, and him. If others happen to be as well... so be it but it's no longer a huge goal. I have real people things to attend to. Not who's hot and who's not.  Hmmmm. what else happened? Idk... Still tired... slightly less so due to the walk I just got back from, (vitamin D and all that jazz). Let's move on.



CURRENT:
I have pretty much summed it up with tired. Again, it could be the medicine, it could be me trying to toy with my schedule, it could be a sugar hangover from the marshmallow fluff I recklessly indulged in last night. I'm not certain in any capacity which of them it is, and maybe it's multiple. But I do have to say that I am impressed with having not only exercised today, But I've figured out the insurance stuff, looked at when I have to get books for class, looked at when class starts (august 24), and the days and times in which I would need to be there. I'm blogging so that will be off of the checklist, I've shaved, went for a walk... leaving me to have to clean and and practice. So, I've finished 2/3 of my goals. After wards I will take an hour or so and then come up with 3 more, listen to music, and or just try and practice some more. Maybe read a little?



FUTURE:
Soooo, this week is loot crate, Heroes edition... we'll see what's in that. ... and then a full moon on the 31st. Pretty cool, but august has suddenly become kind of full. Kick starting the month with a baseball game of all things. I never thought I would say yes, or care to even try and go to anything involving sports... especially in the middle of the summer. But I want the experience. I'm very curious about it all. Camping went well, Just have to try it. I used to say, and I will start saying it again. I will try things in 3's. My only complaint is the thing that I am most interested in is so early in the month. Thus... leaving the rest of the month kind of limp. It happened this month too with the 4th of July camping trip. July usually goes especially slow for me anyways... seeing as it is meant for summer people... July is to summer people as October is  to fall people... I get it... I really do. and it is better than oh, say January or February. But, it's in the way. But Bryan, October's not for another 3 months. Noted. I used to dislike August equally if not more because it's like getting up to the biggest scene in a movie and having the power go off. Ready to get on with it... but having an unfortunate obstacle. Now, I see August as many retailers do... It's the beginning. It's the time when dark things start to conspire in small groups, and plan their approach to store display domination. The B- side to July that Assure's you Halloween IS COMING. Then September plunges you right into the middle of things. Finally, October. Everything is in full swing! The only sad bit, is... much like Halloween creeps up so do the greens and reds. They've already begun to... But I can't think about that. I just hope that this upcoming Season will far surpass that of last year. I am in better health, and I am ready! majority of the problem last year... stupid scratched cornea... Now the Halloween aesthetics won't be quite the same... I'l have to get a little more creative I guess. Anyways that's it!

<B

nine inch Fails

Awap babaloowhap a bop bamboo! ... frutii tutti...

PAST:

Okay, I obviously have abandoned the ritual of writing one of these daily. But really there isn't an inherent need to. I was mainly doing it before to try and get what I was feeling out into the open, to get it out and kind of make it it's own entity. If that makes sense? I guess so I could look at in a third person perspective. But I can do that without one of these. that way I'm not making one of these everyday with the same things, or worse. NOTHING to say in them. Thus, I'll write these every other day or so... twice or thrice a week. But anyways. This weekend, has been unique, and this next venture I am taking will be interesting as well. How you ask? Well to answer about the weekend specifically, the boyfriend and I went on a walk together, and I mean a real walk (almost 5 miles) :). I'm glad to see that he is doing this, it's good for us, but good for him as well. It's a necessary evil working out is. It's good to help lower a lot of things including stress and anxiety. But he's starting to feel proud of himself as he should I am too! I like seeing him do something and committing to it and being happy. It's really nice to see. Once you get those gears moving, it gets easier.

I on the other hand have been not too good on the food side of things (what's up with that?). But I'm not particularly angry about it. Maybe at times I feel kinda gross... but I've not been going on and on about it. I think it's because a part of me recognizes and is fully aware that "hey man, your choice". So in other words. Shouldn't complain if you did it an knew better. That and I'm getting to this point where I am better accepting of myself, and I don't hate people. I've never really "hated" "people" so much as been confused by them. And annoyed that I can't do. Lately all I've been trying to do, is just live through my eyes and not through my mind. Be in my body, not trying to be another person off to the side of me making sure that my actions don't make me look vulnerable. But that's what ever. I keep bringing to mind the very true phase as well "No one lives forever". It's dark, and inspiring. Hearing those words is haunting, yet a  call to enjoy what you have while you have it. I've been opening myself to much more than I can remember. I'm not fond of the idea of missing out anymore. I've done nothing much since I've gotten out of high school. I'm 25 very nearly 26 and I have far less than I wish I did.So, I gotta look up, and look ahead. I've had some great experiences since I've moved out here, and a lot less pain. Again, I have to try and start taking some not too extreme risks. Because I repeat. I never would have moved out here and things would be very different. I might not even be here anymore... alive.. Moving away from that sad thought though. I have a surprisingly less sad story. I'm going to try and go without dairy for a month... Based on the results of that I will go from there and see how I feel/ look/ think etc. So ultimately if I do give it up, the only animal I'll eat is seafood, and egg. So essentially I'm only going to be eating, veggies, protein, and whole wheats. Wow that even sounds healthy. ^_^



CURRENT:

Well, about to go get a snack, open the blinds, alternate between practice, and job scouting, and write some new stuff actually.. we'll see how that goes... I've done some drawing projects recently and I think I had better chops at that when I was in third grade. Truly a skill you have to keep up. Otherwise not much more for today.


FUTURE:

Tomorrow! It's the witch thing! I'm nervous and excited... and nervous. I'm gonna go in as level as I can be. If they do that aura thing and what not... Idk.. my nerves my be even more exposed than I'd hope. But yeah, Maybe I'll meet some people on a similar wavelength. People who like the fall, who like the night and the moon. Etc. And then there's miscellaneous things, the art fair starts on wednesday, I have to see my psychiatrist on Thursday, and on friday.... NEW CELLDWELLER ALBUM... and a really big surprise that was just announced a couple of days ago. NEW SONIC MAYHEM ALBUM!! A day of great music indeed. Other than that I'm really just itching for july to run it's course... It's only good for those who are as enamored with it, as I am with with fall. And or the people who are going on a lot of vacations and stuff.

Yup,

 That's it.

 That's all.

 That's the end.

That's That!

 I'm going to go snack. <3

Pip squeek motherfucker

If you wouldn't say it up close, don't say it you moron.

PAST:

 Well, since I already tackled the camping trip what news is to be had? Not much...actually a whole lot of nothing really. Too much of it. I've been doing well enough, eating what and when I can. For some odd reason I have not received my food stamps for the month. So I am forced into a world of milk beans, and tuna... The essentials. The only things that I can say about it are sure it sucks, but it's doing some good, it's helping me eat less crap- even if involuntarily. It's also forcing me to be a little bit more creative with my food. So that's not all bad. Couple days ago when I felt down and out... and tired as fuck I looked up ways to build energy and I constructed a list to do so. It was going to be of 100 things, but I only got around to 50 seeing as a lot of the sites had very similar answers : exercise, water, sleep, eat well, and go outside for a little bit as well as breaking things up into chunks. Maybe THAT'S how I felt like I got a lot more done last year... because I didn't overtly dwell on one aspect at a time but I rotated from one thing to the next between an hour and an hour and a half. Good stuff right?

Yesterday was fabulous for all the right reasons. It was one of those days that I deemed to be a lax day. But what I mean by that is it is really giving into whatever I want to do in whatever order with the exception of exercise because I have to do that first thing in the morning. the YES in yesterday was apparent. I allowed myself to do things in my own time, and only did but 30 minutes of each thing. If I felt that that was enough I moved right along. but if I became enamored with something. Why stop it? Sooo First off I started maybe even finished a bay side project. It was but a drawing of whatever I thought of drawn in white ink on black poster board. It was very random, I drew with what I felt from the music I was listening to at the time which, was the mortal kombat 2 video game soundtrack. It was weird to say the least as 99.9% of my art is... But the thing is is I just let it flow and it was organic... that was from me. I was not forcing much of anything. But I put that down after 30 minutes. I may pick it up the next lax day (Sunday) and add more... Or flip it onto the other side. Generally in the back of my mind I know then something is done. I feel that it actually is but when I go back to it I might have completely new additives to contribute. Next I packed up and did something that was very different and exciting. I walked out into the beautiful early autumn type weather and hit bigby coffee.. Oddly enough not black diesel... I'm not sure but I think I like where bigby is more... It has more of a scenic vibe to it overlooking one of my favorite parks and original filming location for a video that's very dear to me. I should definitely take that into account when I count my achievements in life. It may be all weird and janky and and stuff. But it IS MINE! I very nearly single-handedly came up and did everything. Which is great in regards to having 3 other people on my team (the smallest team in the class already) and two did not really care it seemed and the other one did, but she lived far away and had a lot of job stuff. But anyways, I remember it, working through a literal storm, utilizing the only time that I had in the computer room to make this as best as I could...  Anyways, off subject. Sentimental attraction to the location. I actually brought my laptop with me. THAT itself is pretty unique. I sat down, and I got to work on a song from scratch, and I worked with it until my battery died about 2 - 2 1/2 hours later. I was amazed at how time went by and how focused I was for having people be around. Awesome though. I walked on home, and I took maybe 2 hours to myself... Not sure what? That eludes me. But then I took a shower and thought to myself I wanted a little bit more. What was that little bit more? The anthology... I really thought about it and I don't need it to be in alphabetical order at all. All I really needed to do was to make it so that the pages did not have incomplete poems on them... So more or less I just entered everything down. Then I asked the boyfriend if he could print it because I want a physical copy of the rough ROUGH draft. To change words and or punctuation revise it. But beyond me I want 3 others to review it. And then I will be on the hunt of someone to publish through. Or, self publish through whatever. The plan is to have it published by at latest Halloween. I want it digital, I want maybe 30 copies paperback, and one hardcover for myself because I love Hardcover but it's expensive. Maybe some places will sell it? Who knows. All I know is that I will be passing it along.

Wow, I guess I am giving the extended answer for everything.

CURRENT:

Well Right now I have already watched on of my music tutorials. which I found someone who teaches in an informative but casual tone. PERFECT! And then I am finishing up this rather lengthy blog, will drinking some nasty vanilla protein powder, milk, coffees, cinnamon concoction... The only thing making it a cup of yuck is the powder... the chocolate is better for some reason. Then... I will do job hunting on the basic sites, which usually takes about half an hour or less because of the overly high or low standards for jobs. Nothing Halloween or fall related YET! But I assume soon as it it is almost 100 days away... which in retail is when things start to appear for the following season. And then a walk, and some well needed cleaning, and more music, and then figuring out what to put on the red poster board to wrap up the day.


FUTURE:

Well, all of the closest things are next week which gives excitement for that week. First of the Witches thing! YAYYY. I doubt it but perhaps we'll have another fall type day. Then the following day the madness ensues when the art fair wakes up and fills the streets with tourists and hippies and yapping children. It's fun sometimes. But usually a giant mass of sweaty writhing skin moving at a crawling pace. I have to go ad report to my psychiatrist to let her know how the new medicine dosage is treating me on the second day of the fair.... which just so happens to be right downtown as well. Safe to say that I would not only want to walk to it, but I'd probably get to it faster walking... as the traffic is the main annoyance for most of the people who have lived here for years. and last... but my favorite bit of news. NEW CELLDWELLER MUSIC! Yes that's always a good time for me. So that means beginning Sunday I will be listening to his albums in order until the new one arrives. And then this month is pretty much washed up... I don't really ever recall my July's being eventful. I think for most people it is their favorite and their busiest and the just have everything to do. And my "july" is October. Which still needs a bit of preparation. Need to talk to the bf about that. We've got slightly more than 3 months to prepare, and three months is the bare minimum for planning things.

Okay, Goodbye!

 ^_^

 <B

Flames and fairies

Okay! I don't know how long it has been since I last posted but anyways!

PAST: this last week was admittedly kind of a lazy one I think. But a cool one nonetheless. Especially the finale of it! Sooo we went camping and all was pretty awesome! We got there and we set up, and made a fire, and I drank... I broke like all of the rules I had set in place for myself EXCEPT I did not have like any smores or candy! I could have gotten some taffy, (like the old man I am) but no! We went downtown and saw a couple of cute places, other than that it was kind of boring there. Our campsite was a rustic one, well, as rustic as you can get in a gay campground with quite a few other surrounding campers. Most of them were nice, a lot passed us by, but they probably weren't worth talking to in my opinion for doing that. Even some that I said hi to "loud enough to be heard even) just walked on by. Oh well lol. That made the times we talked to some other people just that much better! At one point I drew the attention, of a group of guys... they thought I was at a state of  easiness due to my level of ... or lack of sobriety. Surprise guys, I have a really good handle on myself when drunk, the ONLY way there'ed be any other wise would be if I was blacked- or passed out. Flattering but awkward. Our first truly friendly and wonderful people that we met was a trio comprised of 2 lesbians and a gay guy... I am horrible with names but they were super, SUPER awesome people. They were very welcoming, and I felt like we were a part of their group even. I had quite a bit in common with the most outgoing too! Surprisingly. Just yeah. But that first night though... the party went on for many of the boys late into the early hours of 4:30 AM.... needless to say I couldn't sleep... I was anxious of sleeping outside, there was very loud partying, the bf was sawing logs. It should also be noted that I did actually get more "messed up" than anticipated. I was fine... stumbly but fine by the end of the night... I felt a little groggy in the morning sure, but that was an expectation to be had after everything... After all my poison of choice was 91.1 proof cinnamon flavored whisky. I favor whisky more than vodka. But yeah, I thought I'd shake it off, but the combination of it all, plus the added sinus pressure and dehydration that I usually wake up with really let me have it about an hour into the day. We went to big boy, and we left big boy immediately. I was sick. So when returned to base, I ate my pancakes, and eggs, and napped for about 45 minutes or an hour and I was just fine! Surprisingly, the 4th of July was more tame than the prior night. But before the night had concluded we met up with the earlier mention trio and played one of all of our favorite games, cards against humanity. We then saw our "neighbor" that's what this one guy called us when we were there! he was super friendly and not as catty as I assumed he might be at first. But he was hilarious and had this air about him that could probably comfort, or adjust to most anyone. It was really cool, there were some truly good people there! Whereas I'm not so sure if we would have gone to the more hyper younger place the dunes... where there would be so much estrogen it,d be like spending the night in a sorority house...  gross. But anyways not only did he earlier trade some of my whisky for some of  his tequila ( I swear Latin gay guys are just crazy). He later popped up and said he was going to swim... Now the pool was cool with naked after 11pm. I wanted to go in the pool but my confidence was lower than usual due to the influx of gay guys there. But he said he'd go with me!. He wasn't a creep about it, nor did he lead me there and just leave me on my own. even got the boyfriend to come in. a great night. Still recovering in certain ways... but yeah, I feel that that night I got the most out of it!

CURRENT: I am patching myself back up food wise and schedule wise, focus wise, etc.  about to eat a snack, work on sound for 3 hours, take a break to clean and look at whatever, and then get on the computer for 3 hours and go to all of the secret shopper things and care of business.

FUTURE: sometime soon the new invader Zim comic will be released! and then next weekend I get to go to the pagan witches thingy and learn about their culture and hopefully find some people of like mind. The little that I've read and seen .. I size up with some of the beliefs. I do believe that there is a force... not necessarily a god, or gods for that matter. I like to believe in the idea of it being mother nature sometimes. I feel connected to the earth sometimes. That's the only way I can describe it to those who have never felt it. But maybe it's the coffee who knows.... But there are occasions... mainly in the fall that I get this air that penetrates every part of me and feel more alive than I do most of the year. anyways... I hope it goes well!

<B

Clicks and pops

Today has been productive, and I'm trying to squeeze the very last juice into doing the needs I need and want to do. That's why these blog things will probably happen only like 4th day I think. Just so that I can allow myself more time to do everything hopefully, and the only real reason I am (kind of set back is: I'll explain in a minute.

PAST: Went to the counselor yesterday that seemed kinda rushed to be honest. Oh well. I really like walking places, but it does eat up a lot of time. So maybe I won't? I don't know lol. We did decide that I need to try and figure out how to keep myself engaged in my projects. Rather than saying that I have a ton of projects that I have never finished.

CURRENT: Bring us to today, where I woke up.... way too early and could not get back to sleep. This morning (after my first coffee in 2 weeks) I was doing my exercises very smoothly. I wrote down a ton of lists for about a solid hour and a half. They included the things that are utmost importance to me. They are goals, and plans and pretty specific ones at that. Today was eaten up a little bit by the fact that I did two time consuming things. One, I walked to get my hair cut... 2 I still needed to arrange and add files to my comp and back up all of the files on my external hard drive. Which... I just remembered I have to do. As well as still delete a couple of things I do not really use anymore. But this was one my agenda for today, and it is fairly fast, and I'll be able to knock this and a couple others off fairly easy. So that's where this is coming from. As a side note I have to mention that it felt such like early fall today, the grey but not raining weather, the air just cool enough to wear a light jacket if you wanted to. Awesome. BTW FULL MOON TONIGHT!!!

FUTURE: Tomorrow I will finish what ever I happened to not reach. Which will be like half to a quarter of the things. I mean I have options. It's really a matter of what I want. I would like to devote way more time to these, about 3 hours for one and at least one hour for the other. Or I could try and level with myself and only do an hour of each. I have come up with better composed ideas on how to accomplish my projects. Their not 100% solid. But that's still better I feel. The three main projects are kind of lined up and rationed out in order of importance. So, the sound stuff I should be doing to some degree (I'd like to do at least 3 hours a day) every day, I'm going to try and work on the grim spectrum a bit more. That would be the book or story rather that I started writing last year... So, we'll see how that goes... I plan on doing something that might help to motivate, and or encourage me to progress with it. Like posting pages of it on instagram or places where I can get some constructive criticism. I mean I personally think that the story and the characters are very dynamic in their own ways. I essentially have the whole story in my mind and how it will end etc. But it's the dialogue, and pacing that is a bit taxing. BUT taxing is good it shows heart. I have to make sure that I can keep the train rolling, because as I will always state. bipolar makes it hard sometimes to just function on a basic level, let alone thinking and working consistently. But hey, there are so many people doing great things out there with physical impairments, and mental challenges that surpass my own. Does that make my burden any less? No. But what it does is it gives me hope that I can move past the clouds over head and ascend... not like in... a religious sense. That's another thing I have to make sure that I write out is, a list of accomplishments dating all the way back to as far as I can remember. This should help greatly. Also writing a list of things that I would tell someone else as well as things I am constantly telling myself for advice.And of course I'd look up quotes from my favorite artists. Because a lot of them had to overcome things to reach the levels they are at now. It takes awhile, and for some people, they have the right connections, or the market themselves flawlessly, or are just utterly gifted. I am none of the above but I am persistent. I just need to try and figure out how to speed up my recoil time (or bounce back time whatever you want to call it). Because if I truly care about something or someone I try and come back... I try things 3 times, if it doesn't work out in that point in time I might give it another  three more chances after 3 or more years. In the past I have left huge gaps between things stopped and started... and doubted and over thought leaving room for doubt to seep in.  Sometimes you have to just make a decision and stand by it until it doesn';t work, and then you try something else. I know many of my artists that I look up to have failed many a time before reaching their current status. Persistence is a good trait to have. I also read that if you don't take risks (especially on an unconventional path) you might just miss out and stay put... I need to keep remembering that when I decided to move out here... It was with a house of complete strangers about 17 miles away from home... I was terrified. But it turned out that I'd be fine and that years later I'd be far better off than if I would have stayed back with my parents. Off subject though. All I know is that music has been the most constant and consistent part of my life. It's always been there, expanding my library, my tastes, the things that I recognize and question about not only the music but how and why the artist has done certain things. I'm noticing now more than ever details that I have never really looked at... I was hearing the music and not listening with the same attention I now give it. I've nearly always been able to hear a singer and or a voice and be able to tell the vocalist, even if I've never heard the song before.

Okay, gotta get back to the other things but I guess that I needed this SUPER reflective entry.

oh... I didn't even mention camping... Really quick - Everything is in place, I have set up "the rules" for myself that will help me to feel better and be a lot happier . Such as what I eat and when I will go to bed and that the exercise of choice will be walking. It's better than nothing so I'll take it!


BIG NEWS POSITIVE VIBESSS! STAY TUNED FOR POSSIBLE AWESOME NEWS!

aqua marine tangerine magenta!

It's been a while so let's add some color to the scene.

PAST: Over and over, there's again not too too much going on. Just the same ol' same. But the Race at turtle was awesome! with the exception of two things. It was raining and windy, and I didn't want to stay because of that. I mean what's the point really of staying at the nudist resort if you can't go outside legally. So I went home. But while I was there I gave it my all! I ran against 66 others finishing the 5k at 21 minutes! This landed me in 2nd place for my age division, and 6th place overall! awesome. Same night I ate, a whole thing of ice cream... and then a pint of another... sheeesh... I'm like a shark... once I get sugar in my hands it's like a feeding frenzy.

CURRENTLY: I am chilling out... chilling being a very literal word. as it's super cold in here! I might open things up a bit. But okay, today is my change day / clean day.../ arrange and organize things day... My experience is that this is usually split up into 2 days... one where I clean and organize and then where I handle all the rest! So maybe starting this o the second to last of the month is best then. I have recently begun my quest to stop the use of sauces. Or, at least when at home. I've almost been a month free of ketchup not even the tiniest drop. There's a whole untouched 4 lb bottle of it in the fridge too. I came to the conclusion that it was allowing me to overeat, because I was mainly in it for whatever sauce I was eating at the time. It will help me to get a little bit more creative with spices and stuff now. Just by cutting out sauce I am reducing a lot of calories, and sugars and of course SODIUM. Doing this will also help me to feel better about the times that I digress from the path of healthiness. Not erase guilt completely but ease it nonetheless.

FUTURE: in the immediate future A.K.A. this week, We're doing the camping thing! Actually really excited. I've already kind of figured out how to eat and what not. I'm always stressing this. It's very important for bipolar people to have control and feel that they have said control and keep it. Or... ugliness seeps out. But yeah, I'm not going to drink or have the obligatory smores. Though I may want to do both, I will be doing guilty pleasures I don't normally take part in anyways...can't over do it. Like instead of drinking I might get some redbulls and or monsters. They do about the same thing, give you this high make ya act all crazy etc. Check out the town etc, and maybe see my uncle and his partner there. We also bought a couple of our own fireworks. This fourth of July might just be the very best I've had. Time will tell!

Gotta get back to the other tasks now.! <B

Rhinoceros Pudding

Trust me, you don't want any... >_>

It's been a minute since I have (successfully) done any sort of posting. I have tried to have videos a couple of days in a row now and have had to abandon them because youtube has been taking FOREVER to upload them. No, matter here's what's been going down.


PAST: I do not know where I left off really in terms of things so, I'll start off with the last staple if you will. I saw mom for her birthday. It was a good time, got her out of the house and to see a lot of things downtown and the movie spy with Melissa McCarthy. Which had dick in it... like front and center stuff... awkward.... But yeah. The second cake turned out way better than I had thought, especially in regard to the added candy melt coating under the frosting... LOVED IT. But I think I was more fond of it than mom or the boyfriend and thus I ate nearly 6/8 of it. *shrugs* trying to be better about things now.

I've not had a drop of ketchup in about 2 weeks I'm proud to say... But I've been eating spaghetti sauce. One vice for another I suppose. Because in the last 11 days I've eaten 10.5 lbs of sauce... heh ^_^*.... but I plan to try and stop sauces sooner or later as they add so much more to what I've eaten for the day... especially in the way that I drown my food in condiment of choice.

Started counseling, that's pretty neato. I like the counselor I think we're a good team thus far... I don't feel hated surprisingly. The place I'm going to for this is actually kind of religious I found out later... Hehe I just had to auto correct religious... that's how much I type that word... But yeah it's working out great so far.

Lastly, I just got back from seeing the psychiatrist today, and we think that some changes in meds might be in order due to fluctuations and such. She basically told me that that my current medication is acting as a bumper to keep me balanced between manic and depressed... and while I've still been getting both of these, she said that if I was to not be taking anything that the highs and lows would be even higher and even lower... NOPE! So the plan is to up the dosage from 200 mg to 300 mg for 2 weeks and see what that looks like. We might even need to add on a little extra.

CURRENTLY: I'm sitting at my desk uncomfortably shifting back and forth to not feel like my gut is jutting out. Of course I am also typing this. Thinking about all of the awesome walking I have been doing lately... It's not really doing anything... but it somehow gives me  a sense of accomplishment. I got home... I cleaned the kitchen... I watered the plant... Doing this... Want to check out my little alter boy... HEY PERV it's not as it sounds, it's a Vocoder (voice modulating plugin) ' for Fl Studio... do a little prodding around for potential work, and look into the secret shopping biz with my BF sometime this weekend hopefully. I might not get to all of the rest of the stuff today but we'll see. I'm glad that I am in just such a productive and happy mood.  ANNNDDDD 808 (a type of 80's drum machine) roll! THE NEW CELLDWELLER CHAPTER 4 :"DEATH" is coming out on the 17th of next month! yes, the conclusion but not the end of the album.

FUTURE!!!: This weekend is one of the biggest staples of the summer for me... Actually even the year!

• THE TURTLE RACE 6/27/15
• FULL MOON 07/01/15
• CAMPING! 07/03 - 07/05
• INVADER ZIM COMIC 07/08/15

I've got a couple further out but I'll save them for a little later.

Yes, just a brief word on camping. Never have. Should be interesting. I get a hatchet... bear with me I'll have adult supervision. I'm also excited about burnt food, and exploding things (Fourth Of July)... It's gonna be at a very gay area... I'm sure I'll be hearing the obligatory "Firework" by Katy Perry ... That'll probably be the worst part of it. :D

<B

where are my bookmarks?

BABADOOOOOKKK!

sweaty hands of the century

I must have a sugar "thing" lol

Because I get really warm after sugar nowadays, as well sweaty hands, and just overall icky... so after this bday for mom. no no. I've already gone without ketchup for a week now, and haee not been putting anything on some of my food as unbelievable as that may seem. Now, back to the task at hand ^-^.

PAST: SOOOOOO, I've been what I am assuming to be a manic phase... either that or I am genuinely happy? i dunno something of that nature. But yeah, I've had a couple of sugary days... but surprisingly the day that messed with me a little bit was yesterday when I had eaten (what I think is a lot) after making an hour and a half commute on foot. I was starving. but yeah that's all I'll say about that annoyed a lil it's whatever. Yesterday I got to go to the counselor and meet him... It was a very cool experience and I like the atmosphere for the most part. I met a woman with adorable baby girl. I actually told the mother how cute she was... which surprised me... If there were two of me at that moment... the other wouldn't have sat there with a blank stare and slackened jaw upon seeing this. But it did... and I spoke to the lady all the way up to my appointment. When They left the little one enthusiastically sprung her arm back and forth to say goodbye! awwww. Moments like that make me like people.

CURRENT: is something that most bodies of water have.. see what... I did there?!? But really though, that what they call like the waves and stuff. But for really, really, really, realz , I'm waiting on fish sticks to be done baking. I baked and decorated the cake today... round one was awful.. But this one I'm mostly pleased with for having no skills in this situation. whoa! eating rice really just make you feel full... puh! (I took a break between writing). But yeah, now I'm typing this up before walking on the treadmill a little bit. Then looking at the jobs, then looking at the secret shopping in more detail, and then sound stuff if I'm not feeling dead like I usually do, come 4pm. for some reason.

FUTURE: I realize I might be repeating myself but oh well. I can say what I Want to. Mom's Bday is this weekend we'll be picking her up tomorrow and having her over till sunday morning. Should be fun . And then next weekend one of the top 5 things I have been looking forward to is happening. 5k! I was ready for it ever since the last one ended. The energy, the weather,. I have actually been preparing this time though, so maybe I won't almost pass out. I'm not counting on winning necessarily, I am however counting on just doing my personal best .under 20 minutes hopefully. 10mph on the treadmill is a little taxing. But not as horrible now that I've gone to doing the more intense runs every other day, so my legs are stronger and I'm less tired. OOOO and camping might happen. That could be fun! Fires, and maybe a hatchet... that sounds... a little crazy. 0_o

CURIOSITY: I have been fascinated as to why being heavier makes you look older? I wonder what the scientific view is on that. If there is one.

Welp, that's it for now. better I made this as a text entry today anyway as it'll upload directly.

<B

random banter

bullocks

The Ninja Goes: CHOP! CHOP! SLICE! SLICE!

a thousand times yes

PAST: This weekend The BF and I went to downtown Plymouth to see what was out there! It was really cool! Really busy and alive... didn't seem like Michigan at all really. I tried some candy I never had, and went to a blossoming young comic shop called Blaze-Thru comics, the owner was pretty awesome!

CURRENTLY: Still watching the dogs witch has been pretty good! the best time so far I think. I've still not started the day fully. I've been looking up new music (Blanck Mass) and looking into what exactly Hedonism, paganism, and Wiccan are. I actually Identify with all of the above. It's really cool.

FUTURE: Upon looking up this stuff I found an event I've been curious about for a few months happening tomorrow for witches. A sign? Maybe :). Then a possible wedding thing this weekend, nd then mom's b-day the following, and then the race the weekend after that... It's weird that June has been the busiest month .

FEELING: in between slackerish, and excited from all of the new information I've picked up. I feel like it's kind of late in the day, but I feel better rested I think. I feel pretty awake, And like I have to.... pee... DEATH TO THE UTI!

RANDOM THOUGHT: Kinda, Did you know what Hedonism actually is? It basically means what I have been saying all along about how I believe that life is about seeking out the most pleasure usually by the five senses, and as long as it is not harming anyone else. I've always felt this. So it holds happiness in the highest of regards essentially. Good stuff>

WORK: None to be found still... the leads grow smaller , my searches are quicker... I don't want to settle but I also do not want to fail at my next job... I have to call my caseworker. and see if the job rehab thing will be a good thing to do. I don't know if I need her but assume it's referral based.

SOUNDS: I've been working a lot more. once a day, not as much as I should but that is already better than what I have been doing the last few weeks. I'm learning to be fairly repetitive in songs... Most people like that... I'm also working on learning how to make things blend better and not pop out awkwardly. Learning to compress and equalize can be tedious but it's a (sometimes fun and) necessary evil.

HEALTH: I've been fluctuating in the mood department... as most are aware it's related to my self image. If the image is unsatisfactory, I'm not the funnest. And I've been eating icky things lol. Out of boredom... and to kill time. BUT I have started to write list and and things of that nature... Maybe that can be a cool strategy to help keep me centered everyday. Write a list, about whatever... I find great pleasure in lists and statistics!.

CONFUSED ABOUT: Why I let myself slip up Health wise, when I've been doing my best? It's happened like that a couple times going in circles... Last year I was upwards up till about May, in regards to emotion. In regards to getting things done and HEalthwise, I'd say I starting sliding about... July or August. I don't know, *Shrugs*

Everything in a nutshell with a bag of chips... that was lame for you to read probably as it was for me to type lol. But in the very least if your rolled your eyes... well.. I made you feel something. Have a splendiferous day!   <B

antidisestablishmentarianism - NAILED IT!

cactus ass

Title (I don't Have one)

Listening to some really intense glitchey music or what is referred to as "dirty" for those who like the type of music.

So, basically been 2 days of trying to upload videos that have not made it up due to their ridiculous wait times. I might have one that I have not posted that made it. Actually I think they both uploaded I just never got to put them on my blog because when said videos finally did make it... I didn't care. In the best way possible I did not care .

 

Moving right along, ^_^ I've decided to start the listing thing again... it's therapeutic it really helps me focus and remember what I need and want to do. I came up with a little formula for the blogs to... Briefly touching base on key points so, her we go!

• CURRENTLY: I am sitting at the boyfriend's sister's house watching the wieners- er dogs... okay, dachshunds, I'll grow up lol. But yeah, that'll be mentioned twice in the videos.. because again.. they got uploaded... but never made it here. I like it... It kind of leaves some of the things on your mind behind if you get away for a few days een if it is somewhere relatively close. A  change of scenery.
•  I FEEL: Pretty damn good actually, I worked out on an elliptical witch actually made me feel out of shape ... it was surprisingly intense. I'm here with two adorable pups... they're adorable now but give them a couple of days hehe. annnnd I made some lists... which as I said help make things better.
• RANDOM THOUGHT: In the shower today I thought to myself that motivation and discouragement...exist together. What I mean is I see a personal relation between them... A lot of the things that motivate me can also, push me back. It is truly about perspective. Because when I feel low... other people's success makes me want to sink and hide... where as when I'm doing okay and doing what I know I need to, it kind of helps me and brings back the curiosity that I so love.
• I'm EXCITED FOR: a  grab bag of random things. My eye doc appointment, mom's Birthday, seeing my old therapist and last... but most.... NAKED 5K! wooo! Told ya, this was going to be a grab bag lol.
• WORK: nothing thus yet... I keep feeling that I am under qualified for jobs... or overqualified for others. The ones that I really want and care to get elude me. All of the night stock jobs have said no, one of the comic places. I'm not giving up and I'm trying not to give in... I want to work smarter not harder. I want to find a job that I will want to work at most days... because if I don't... idk not a good pretender. So, I'm going to do some digging on being a secret shopper. Sounds good to me for the most part, going shopping, giving constructive criticism, I CAN DO THAT... I don't know we'll see. I hope to have something nailed down before the fall. But if not I am fairly confident finding halloween work... will be easy peesy. 
• SOUND STUFF: So, I'm getting better at things, I'm working at things more in this regard. I'd getting a little more repetitive... which for me is good, because I just wanted to start new songs every five seconds in a lot of the songs that I have done prior. I mean it still happens but... I just keep starting new pieces... which is good and bad... I'll just need to try and buckle down on 3 at a time. But yeah, I hope to have at least one piece by august. 
• LET'S GO MENTAL: Health, Let's go... metal... health... get it?!? You're no fun. :P so yeah, it seems to be getting better by going back to a lot of the same things that I was doing last year, working out... eating as best as I can, listing things, researching thoughts feelings and facts to relate myself to the outside world. I still need to find some help... which I have a couple of leads for... one of them I have to wait till September 1st... ew.. I also need to find a place for eating disorders. I don't know that a group setting would be good for me. Especially because I know personally, that I compare... that might not be good for that sort of thing... I found a clinic but that only catered to ages between 8 and 24.... really? 8 years old?? Friggin social media is turning back the dial and raising insecurity levels at even younger age levels.
• THREE THINGS TO SUCCEED AT: Losing the love handles, finding suitable work, and making the 5k in 22 minutes tops. 
• CONFUSION: A nagging thought keeps pulling at my brain... I can't understand how or why everybody on the internet needs to have every type of social media... I've seen some really cool people that I've liked and seemed to be on the same page become this kind of self obsessed being... Not all. There's Gerard way from my Chemical romance who just happens to be the artist I know of that I respect the most... Because he seems very real. He's open about having to take medication for his depression, his weight fluctuations, and he's non- stop on it, always making new stuff. I mean I respect him more so than I  ever thought when I was an angsty teen. But yeah... I just feel like social media puts up a front.. sure nobody wants to see gloom and doom but I personally don't like seeing people I follow self glorify every 5 seconds or so... Whatever have to adapt or fall behind right? Have to evolve in order to go on. I've always been a little archaic. Welp, this is my highly informative entry. 

BYYYEEEYEEE!!!!!! <B

pyramids

Awe tism

signals from somewhere

heh, not a bad title kinda cool in fact.

Tooooday, I gotta ask myself how I feel. I feel interesting. a weird mix of HEY GET BACK ON THAT HORSE! and a mix of... but the floor is so comfortable... I don't know if that makes sense

The best way I can describe, is those moments when you know you need or want to do something but you either excuse it... or it's simply easier to "let's not and say we did".

Weird All Was phenomenal by the way! he dressed up for every song and made his songs come to life. He was like a real life cartoon character... He even wore the fat suit from "Fat". That was probably my favorite , wasn't expecting that at all... but little was to be expected rather than the over the top antics you'd expect. The end, was a small encore performance of his star wars songs... Accompanied with storm troopers, chewbacca, and darth vader. EPIC!

This week will mainly entail calling back hot topic, and my caseworker to see about work rehabilitation, and looking for needed counseling. Then, at the end of it is kind of another mini vacation. Which is staying at the boyfriends' sister's house to watch the dogs. I enjoy it pretty well.. I am ready to leave by the end of the 3 or four day stretch though. They live in the country which is only fun for so long.

I get back just in time to see the eye doctor! hahaha there's a pun in there and it couldn't be helped! then... pretty much a week without anything. then mom turns sixty... I have a med review with my doc, and then it's the nude 5k. June is going to fly... good and bad I suppose.

Nothing really planned for July as of yet. Not really much of anything planned until the fall. Which is usually the case I've found... a subconscious choice, or a coincidence I am not sure.

Thus far my plan to break the day up into smaller parts is a success. I've been coming up with three goals to carry out, and then I can feel good about having done those... Then 3 more, and then 3 more. I try to write out at least 9 a day and handle them in threes. I also will try and work on the goals for three hours at a time and then take an hour off... and then get back on it. That's a good balance I feel. Actually this is the first goal of the second set of goals for the day, the next being job hunting and looking for counselors  as earlier mentioned.

What else... what else... what else...

I'm not sure I got the video up of how my little office is shaping up but I like it! I'm sincerely a fan of it. I've got a lot of my greatest inspirations and cool things gathering around me... makes me actually want to carry things out a bit more. I think that's why I was actually glued to the dining room area for the longest time, was because it was my "office" and it has a lot of cool things that I adore like my phoenix statue and my candles. and my stereo, things I have hovered around and or sat stationed next to a lot of my life. So, it only makes sense to bring some of this energy to the place where I should be spending more time... Here at this desk, talking to myself out loud for those who want to listen to hear...er- read :p

<B

Blimey this took over 2 hours to upload

Shiny and chrome

Hyding

Jekyll is elsewhere.

It's been really rough for me the last couple of days....Weeks, But I'm going on... I'm trying to do what's needed and expected of myself. for myself. I am the only one that matters in this regard. I've been feeling a lack of interest with most everything... staying up late... craving things that would make me damn myself at a later time... Yeah I'll go as far to say now that I am in fact depressed... Nothing new... it's the way of things... Regular everyday people get the blues... but it usually takes a lot more for them to get them... the blues that is... and for the most part they seem to be able to patch themselves up rather quickly in comparison... I've always looked at others after the fall and saw them do so... I watched my gaping wounds saturate... and I watched the rest with needle and thread... they heal quite fast... Not fair... but the hand I've been dealt... if I spend the game wishing for a new hand all I'll do is lose right? Right... I've taught myself in the past that it can be so very easy to give into my shadow... to eat all I'll regret... to pardon my eyes from the world for as long as I can... purge my wallet for means of a short lived smile... It's like trying to kill a phantom hunger... you can't touch it but you know it's there... grabbing at your insides making you feel this ill hatred toward yourself... and the world... and how it made you into what you hate... so then you say fuck it all... nothing matters.. I'll lye here and rot... I might have those who care now... I need more... but I'm only as hopeful for that as I am finding god... I'd rather skip the egg hunt. I feel like a vampire.. and not in a fun kind of pretend way... not at all.. the kind that hide from the light... the kind that want to infect... the kind that will bite, but only enter if you invite them... Manners are all they have... bound by something unknown, that keeps them here though they'd rather not be... also feeling an emptiness that is momentarily appeased by the flush of another's life. 

"I hold the whole world accused, and I've only got myself to blame" 

Lyrics I've heard while typing this... Perfect in relation to how I'm feeling... I try to no think of the world beyond... because I don't care to see all of the people and their adventures happening before me. It reminds me of earlier said "missing components". I love this guy.. we are from different cuts of cloth however. When I'm up... he's down... and vice versa... I don't want to sit around all of the time. I'm 25 years old... I'm not the typical 25 year old mind you but I am  still young.... I want to go for walks and I want to feel alive... really much like a vampire I seek other people to sustain me... Been feeling very similar to villains... ever since I was little I always identified with the villain... I always wanted to play him when play fighting. I know I'm wasting the day away... I woke up late today... I almost didn't work out... almost just stayed in bed so, that being said... I'm doing exceedingly better than I intended to. earlier it was my intention to avoid you, to stay in the room until you left or were asleep. It's not like I've not barred myself from the world before... I'm an expert... whether it's the confines of a specific room, or an entire building... I can stay inside hide quite well... And as the title insists I can also Hyde just as well. if not better.. Brood and hate... and frown... This is who I'm trying to evade... he beats me down as hard as the world if not harder... He's the one who pushes me out of the way when he's had enough of being silenced... he's the voice that answers when I've reached that special place no one hopes to be. 

I'm looking into counseling for the eating.. for the sex... for stress, the anxiety... the constant state of confusion I drift in... people without an illness can never really understand it... it's not fairy dust... it's not our fucking imaginary friends... It's our inner demons that happen to be a bit stronger than others. I don't like talking like a 14 year old emo kid... nobody likes reading it... But I just have to spew this out... spew is a good word... like vomit... this is all trash I need to say... But it's all real... it's even more real when bring it into view... And here it is on the screen... where I can nod and agree and say... I've been there... I am there... and I will leave again... This stop is on the list of least desirable locations to live in... This is a good blood because of the bleeding... because I am draining so much raw emotion into it... I wish I had tears... but given my lack of certain feelings... I have not been able to ... for a long time... I can't recall when, I actually cried... at least 2 years ago if not 3... I need other friends... I tried to reach out and make friends with another person with similar afflictions... she's in the same state... I can't do it... though she and I are in the same pit... I'm looking for the signs of ways to get out... I'm trying to keep focused... I know... I know... that's what it takes to get out of here... stay under the weight or push back... the more you fight quicksand.. the faster you'll sink... the faster you sink... the more you'll panic and so forth. You have to calculate as much as you can... so if this is making sense... this is why I can't have that type of friend... she's at a different level in the sand and I have to focus on myself... 

Again anybody can say they understand somebody's mental troubles... but that is a lie... they can only understand the concept... it's not something you know about it's something you feel... and something I would not want anyone to have to endure... I can never ever understand when people whine about trivial things... the prom queen who didn't get the right dress... the kid who didn't get an allowance raise... I try to think of how those are irrelevant  in comparison to my problems... and then I turn my head a =round and look at how there are others who would rightfully laugh or spit on my issues... people missing senses... people who are terminally sick.. That lessens the sting if only even slightly... it helps. At least nowadays I know I'm not alone... no one ever truly is... and that helps as well.. There is without a doubt someone, somewhere on this giant rock that is feeling exactly or very close to what you are feeling. Some worse... Understand that. I used to think that I was this being... this cruel imported joke from somewhere other than this world... I had no idea there were and are people out there who love the things that I do... but I found some through the internet... albeit, I've not met any friends I can hug... no tangible people... just text, and assumed personalities. 

I felt a twinge of hope... a slight lightening in my heart. Felt good. I know I've made my mistakes... maybe more than most... that is just what it is... I have to carry the same acceptance with knowing that I also learn slower than others... .. and interesting fact about this weird emptiness and all the feelings that I am having... I can recall feeling them from years back at very specific moments.... I actually remember wanting to end myself before I was even 10... I don't know how serious it was but I do remember threatening to smash a brick into my head... I recall feeling... hollow... even then... I knew I was different back then... I still feel it... but on a positive note... I feel like I have a calling that I am ascending to.... when I am high on those moments... those are the moments that are worth living... 

Some of this entry is part forgetting to take my pill (I need to start pulling those out for myself when I get breakfast). Part of it is that I went to bed late, part is that I "ate bad" last night... Part is that I am envious of all of the friends and the plans that are being made... but a lot of it are the hormones within... I won't ask for apologies... nor will I apologize for  anything I've written. It's valid . Feelings and observations that I need to share... that I cannot share at a given moment... My other is not a therapist nor should they have to be. Although he might be the first guy to TRY and understand me and my plague... I hold my stance on no one being able to decipher it... Maybe instead of looking up memes and Huffington post you could help read up on some stuff about your other...

Again counseling is the best route... undeniably so.. I've made the calls and got some back that I'll return soon.... 

I have so much indecision on things... I want to do things... but nothing sounds good... but I desperately want something to do... this is usually where the voracious urge appeals... it's simple... it's fast... it's right there... and it feels good if only for a moment... things are really crazy maybe... even crazier when I don't give in... I hate things with what I call drug mentalities... Meaning: things that will pick you up for a bit before slamming you back down, potentially down further than the initial low. I have to see it this way to fight the urge... Might as well be withdrawing.. I am very outspoken about a handful of things... I try to turn the lens on myself a lot of the time... such as.... When I hear that people are having trouble getting off drugs... or drinking... or smoking... my initial reaction? Never start... you'll never have to stop... Everyone has their drug... Most peoples poisons are far more destructive than they are productive.. they counteract that persons actions.  Again... I can face the lens sometimes... I'm only human I can't catch everything that I happen to be doing.... But I can say that I've done that multiple times... and I'm trying to quit it... That's why I mentioned the drug mentality in the first place... It's because I can be an artist adept in the fine art of self destruction... I wrote a poem for myself about it called "Imploding Grenade". I get it... But you have to bring out the strictness and the parent within yourself and be as logical and self aware as possible to succeed in most things...

I want what a lot of people want... I want to be successful in most everything that I do... I know that some areas will slip... that's just how it is.. I'd love to speak I'd love to tell other people how well they are doing I really would... for those people who think that they are behind... or losing... I could share with them that hey.... they should keep at it... I have to follow a lot more steps than most in a day just to function on a similar level to others... and then I can take on the world with the rest... but as I just said... I have steps that I have to take before I can even start. 

But after all I've said ... there is one thing that the disorder thing can do for people... When they get those good moments in time... they cherish it ... they feel SO good from it... And I can't say for sure but probably appreciate things a little more than the average person.. I feel that once we get to a good spot (the people with disorders) that we understand... to stop moving... whether that be learning, or working on bettering yourself etc... is to basically give up! If you're not learning anything, you can't branch out... there will be a lot more barriers in life... who needs that? I have enough... That's why when people want to me that I'm brave for being gay... or bipolar... or different it doesn't do much for me... I'll repeat this again because I love saying it... You HAVE TO KEEP MOVING... if even slow... don't stop.... 

That means you too Bry Bry <B 

you're a Neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie

IIIII did not happen to get to post my vid yesterday... but it went something along the lines of things getting slightly more productive, if even just a little bit.

How you ask?

 Well I'm slowly picking myself back up out the rut that was falling in... am I out yet.. I'm not sure I completely am. But I'm getting there. I'm not vidding it up today because it's one of those peaceful days that I would rather not disturb. Plus... there is a worker across the parking lot I'm afraid that might magically hear me. and I feel more like typing than anything today in regards to blogging.

Yesterday was pretty good to me. I got to sit down with my caseworker and talk about the income situation and it really helped release some of the tension... She directed my attention to some outlets for other counseling: some websites where I can find people that meet my needs out here. So I wrote down a handful of names and groups I'll have to further investigate. She also showed me this work rehabilitation agency, that can help you find strengths, weaknesses, and what works best for you and your "disability"! That is awesome! That's kind of what I am doing now... but everyone can use a hand every once in awhile... and some people need more than others... that's just fine as long as it's to aid you and not fully hold you up.

Today I called my doc and set up an appointment for friday at ten.... my bladder... yadda yadda... there's something that I feel is iffy... the last time I waited on something that I was worried about.... oh man I was SORRY! .... pffft and I wasted a Halloween too!.... This year I'll be back in black.. orange and black.

So that means tomorrow is my dental cleaning, and then the docs... and then maybe the interview for my bridge card. I want to do this temporarily until I find work where I will excel... I'm fairly certain I've said this over and over again that this next job... it will be something that I actually care about... I mean I cared about having money before... but I did not enjoy what I was selling... nor did I enjoy the types of customers the stores attracted. I know what I want a bit better this time and I'm going to set myself up for success.  For example... today I had an interview that I didn't do... because I felt like I'd be settling for something that I would hate and something that anyone with interest in having "work" could get... They were DESPERATE! I mean this guy seemed like he didn't even want to interview when I talked to him and just hire! ... Because actually he even said... " you could start today or tomorrow!".... wow... red flag.... That would strip the self respect I am trying very hard to build for myself: call me stubborn but I don't wanna let that slip!

Today has been pretty good just getting everything in order... and finally today is warm enough... but not too warm to leave the house! a rarity in these parts. OH! and  two more quick mentions... I've decided that it is best for me to try and do three things at a time... I know I'm constantly constructing new ways and schedules with which to work... BUT all of us who are growing and moving forward are doing this right? I've found it hard writing out a whole huge list of everything to do for the day... I'd be annoyed if I did not get it all done... So my remedy is to focus on three things at a time. One foot after another. Then by doing so I can be like "Hey, yeah got those done! LEVEL TWO! FIGHT!!!" #MortalKombatReferenceOfTheDay. Then I have also decided to work for 3 hours... and let myself do what I want to for an hour and then repeat. I find that fair! And lastly I think that I even might do that with days of the week? Not sure yet if that would be healthy ... or if I'd get annoyed with myself... Or maybe I'd still do everything but be a little more casual about it al. Who knows... but maybe every third day will be a break... I mean you get breaks at work... both hourly and days off. I just have to be aware of where things are... what things need to be done... etc.

Wow, using actual paragraphs almost appropriately... look at me! (I'm aware that's it's not indented SHHHHH!)

<B