C is for contagious

B is for bile

tequila

Flybites

Outside?!!

The (mostly) helpful (kind of hopeful) curiosity I have is coming back. Slowly creeping out like the plant life is starting to. I just keep reconfirming the momentum I'm taking up... It might feel like I'm moving at a snail's pace, and I might be but the point is getting there.

I went to the art group I sometimes attend yesterday and it was really good to have a discussion on this specific topic. Part of being around the occasional people and or persons is to relate and know you're not alone. That's just what yesterday did for me. A really awesome person I know is kind of in the same boat. She struggles a bit more than most people too but has an idea of when to step back and when to push on.

Admittedly, I've been a little stubborn and or hesitant to step back. Because I feel like if I'm not working on, my body, or the end of my poetry I'm trying to publish, or finding the first job that haven't settled for and especially the sound stuff. I find the day goes by infinitely quicker. Do I feel like I've done most of what I wanted and or needed to do sure! But there's still this itch. With working out I can say I'm going to do this for the day, do it and turn it off till tomorrow, simple as that. I find it interesting that I also have a similar problem with accomplishment. It's easy to be struggling and get discouraged and stop. Interestingly, I've noticed that once I've had a breakthrough or feel particularly proud of something. I feel like I have completed the day and it's time to stop... When in reality, Should keep going either way.

But anyways back to where I was kind of trying to go on with this. I feel the positive vibes can only feed into the motivation. Thus I need to seek them out and go out and find like-minds and connect. Last weekend I went to one of my favorite places and I spoke to everyone I saw that day. What's more is I initiated the conversations. For the most part they were one on one or I was talking to two at the same time but I still felt very excited. I plan on going to a drum circle on Tuesday to fulfill three things. 1, Possibly meet some cool people, 2, I love percussion and there will be free drums provided, 3, it's in a place that I love where I can get some nice tea.

The rest of the year, (as it had been last year) is pretty much laid. I feel like this is a pattern now. I know I want to have the poems together by the end of April, have them edited and arranged by August, and have them published by the end of the year. (As a side note I know that I want 1 hardcover for  me, 30 paperback prints to "distribute" and have all of the rest in an Ebook. )

I also know about earlier mentioned fun things, like going to the nude resort next month, and weird Al concert in may, the nude 5k. Florida. But I know I'll take my final classes this year too and what they are. So if nothing else I know the blueprints for the year.

Yup Yup, A happy healthy mind for this grey day. <B

hollow

Today is weird, it's a teaser for what's to come . Nice weather. It seems like color is starting to fade back into view. But I am slipping a little. I feel very numb... I wanted to cry today but I couldn't I can't remember the last time I had a genuine release of emotion in that way... It's concerning to me.

It's very exciting when I have emotions for me . Because I do feel like I don't have them sometimes. I'll try my best to list off the things on my mind. and then elaborate.

I'm trying to balance my body (that's just something that will likely always be there), trying to find work that I can manage to do without having any episodes, trying to work on what I know I want to do (in relation to sound) I'm trying to listen with my gut. Not my mind or heart, and trying to be welcoming to people all at once. I tunnel vision a lot of the time so when I see something at high priority is is usually in my sights the most (as it should be) That being said I usually want to only go after that one thing... and anytime I do anything aside from that I feel like I have failed or slacked off. I tire myself by honing in on the one thing... sometimes I'm able to shift tasks non-judgmentally but that is super tricky.

I don't know. I feel that I have an emotional callous on me. I'm trying to shut things out a bit... because if I let them in enough... I'd not be proactive. Bad enough the thoughts are looming about in the back of my head. Thoughts like... fear of money, not wanting to settle-job-wise this time, so that I give a crap and do well. But for the most part I'll do just fine the less dealing with people face to face I have to do. Being kind a loner ... not being a lot further along for my age etc.

While I do have counter arguments for all of these it doesn't mean that the thoughts go away completely. The thing I keep having to say lately for instance is that - Okay, you don't have friends. but what do you have? You have stuff to get done that is more important than someone to "hang out" with. You've been a loner all of your life the scene is pretty much set. So, use that time in a constructive manner Bry.

I have an old soul though, and that's something that a lot of people especially people my age don't get. I don't care for clubs I find them pointless... Sure once and a while maybe.. But there is a lot better and more constructive things to be doing. I don't take selfies every 5 seconds.

No, I enjoy nature, coffee/ tea, the arts, sound, A complicated person with a love of simple things.
I've yet to meet people like that. I suppose I don't know where to look? Perhaps not. But undoubtedly. I will not find them milling about loud music in a space packed full of loud people.

It's challenging, fun and sad all at the same time ... never fitting in to one category. I don't identify as anything,... the closest I'd identify myself as a non-smoking hippy. Which... yeah is the opposite of club goers. I have common interests from many subcultures but I'm not in depth with any one in particular, I like going to nudist things, and being naked... not all the time so I don't consider myself a nudist... I like dark imagery and kind of edgy things but I'm not a goth... I'm not serious enough to be one of those... that and it's nearly a life commitment I'm seeing from many people. That's cool... for them... I disagree with a ton of things politics, religion, and the like, I love punk culture and style and know a lot about it but. I'm not punk... So all of these things and more... I guess to a degree a lot of people just identify with a default crowd.. When I have never fully embraced any of them. I like them all and I keep evolving to satisfy my interests. Stagnating, is common... but I really hope to learn and see more .

I think in that regard, I'd need a very specific type of friend. open to new things with an eclectic taste. Not many of those. I'm my own puzzle piece that fit's in to somethings but not wholly. So, until I find that friend I feel that maybe it's best that I'm a free agent.

<B

B00M

Teehehhee

Last couple days A.K.A the weekend were cool in a big way.

(not sure when my last post was, probably like wednesday or something. )

Friday was weird, when I let my issues kind of take over, and just ate, and slept, and did nothing... Yeah, one of those. 

Saturday was different. Lately, I've stressing on the two major factors in my life right now which is trying to learn what I want to learn in the realm of sound, and two finding work to hold things down until the move to Florida. (Finding out locations to move and such is it's own story. 

Last week I fretted, going back and forth from the plan of doing have a day of sound, and half a day of music.... to doing one day music, one day jobs. Both of these stressed me out.

In the past, I would think about things so much and stress so much importance in things that I kind of paralyzed myself. This was the case with the two patterns I was attempting. i was coming at them all wrong really. I should be doing both everyday, with the job as my predominant focus, but darting to the sound and music when I need a break. I learned this on Saturday when I didn't feel I HAD to do anything. it was in the back of my head I and I did it.  Same with other chores and wants that I have. I should really just do them in the time that I get tired or frustrated with the job hunt, and music, but of course return back to the hunt. it's good to have a more of a want mentality than a need. For the most part we all want what we need. When you want something (in my case at least) I am more inclined to move. 

Yeah Saturday was a good one. because I came up with some other great solutions and what not. 

School: I will not be taking classes in the spring. There are about 2 or three classes I want left and I can utilize the summer to begin work back up. I would definitely have to start work though... or stretch 1,000 over the course of 4 months 0.o Financial aid would give a cash boost in the fall, and I would not have to start paying back my loans until about the time we move to Florida. It sounds like I'm trying to skip out but I fully intend on paying it back. When I work I will even set aside money just for that purpose. The more I organize the faster and stronger I become at things.

Work: I need to for multiple reasons. First is to help my Boyfriend. Second is to start building up cash to start paying my loans back. Third is that I want money to feed into the new sound habit... It's really addictive when you start to learn about things. The plan is to look for more of freelance jobs at first, searching for those types of jobs for about a month.. The beauty with a lot of the ones I'm looking at is that I could do multiple jobs that equal out to one regular job. I have no problem with that considering that I get bored pretty easy. The most I've ever stayed with one job is a year by choice. The only thing with looking for work outside of retail and fast food is that there is quite a lot of uncertainty. let's say Macy's is hiring, you know it's legit because it's a big well known name. burger king the same thing. Venturing outside of those realms though, risks must be taken. The only way to really know in a lot of ways for anything really is to try it. do it. Worst thing, it doesn't work. You won't die. 

 Part two of the work hunt plan is to look at truck loaders. That or as a final option. Working overnights. I might have stressed before that working nights might be an issue for my well being... Hard for me to judge completely because that last time I did (and had a mental breakdown) there was so much that I wasn't used to that I overloaded and crashed. A poor diet of sugar, salt, and grease, Energy drinks and coffee constantly pumping through my veins. Two back to back jobs that equaled to about 16 hours a day or more, and I had a mental disorder that had not even been diagnosed yet. So, I might be able to work nights, who knows. The only issue I'll have is I'll miss the sun. But to me I just have to balance the dislikes of missing the sun to the dislike of dealing with people. People can make or break a work experience, I'd in the very least like to have some awesome coworkers, let alone care about what it is I'm doing or selling. I'd be way more proficient than feeling like I just lied to a person between my teeth about some terrible product they just bought. 

Self joy. Not masturbation. I know that it is truly good for one to do at least one thing for them self a day if not a couple small things. It will help fuel you by making you feel good, and the cycle goes on. I'm going to try and practice this again, when I get stumped in all of my online ventures. (did you know that staring at a screen too long can actually make you tired? I didn't. Love psychology) One of the ways I'll capture some magic daily is to just sit and listen to music, do nothing else just sit with headphones in kind of a meditated state. I used to do this a lot when I was younger and it helped me to open my head and be a little more creative and invested in doing things. The other is walking. Especially now that the sun is starting to show more. If we get through this month like this. There's a pretty good chance that Michigan's spring has sprung. 

Alright, that's all Going to check the weather, probably walk, and then get to work.

<B

phallix

tele vision

I'm hiding don't look!

.... what did I just say!?!?!

well, this is awkward.

I've been making video more so lately, I feel they give a little bit more character. I'll probably look back at them less, I don't know yet as I barely lt look back at my typed stuff. Unless they are super fond moments like the one August morning I had that was just super euphoric.

Sucked yesterday Because i really love what I had said... I know what I said, kind of but it is mute. OH No! 

It basically said that I am throwing myself at what I need to get done. There are two major things I am looking at and my day will revolve around those. They are: learning music and studying youtube videos and doing my own personal digging around. What sucks for the most part is I am off the radar. I don't have network connections or things of that nature yet so I have to start from scratch. I feel like many people in the biz for the market that i want to enter are a little older anyways so I'm not fretting too too much. As long as I work on it everyday for as long as I can I should learn... and grow and get closer to the dream. But there is a balance. I want and need to be around people.

The second thing to devote attention to is job seeking both traditional and not.

By now it's fairly evident that I'd rather be one behind the curtain than center stage. That being said, I feel the best job types for me would be stocking and or truck loading and unloading, always liked that aspect of my other jobs... I felt free compared to the rest of my peers. Didn't have to wear an apron, all I had to do was pull in our stock, take inventory, and put it away. simple and very little dealing with others. 

The video pretty much states that I have a nice mixture of seasonal affective disorder, bipolar, and social anxiety... so I crash faster than most in social situations. Probably due to my consistent lack of friends and confinement to my room. I want to if possible, find work inside of the house first. If not I'll venture to find aforementioned work behind the scenes. (random I spell aforementioned right but messed up spelling behind.)

I often times wonder if I welcome it or do it out of habit.. the whole room thing. But then I recall that tremendous itch I get to be outside.... uh oh. conflict of interest. I want to work with music and sounds and be in the digital world... and get to be outside!? hmmmm.

A lot of how I feel is a bit paradoxical in nature. So, a lot of times I have to kind of shrug and say... okay, whatever happens, happens. 

I also skipped the video today because I am wearing the same thing from yesterday. I tend to do that in the winter because no one knows I'm doing it... he he he >;)

So, job research and hunting, and sound research and hunting one thing is for sure...:

 (you should watch this episode of Adventure time by the way "Another way" is the title)

Hipstick

Another vid