Textual healing

Guess we're starting this post over hehe.

So I'll start off with where I left off, the earlier pieces being insignificant.

This year has offered much in the way of growth and thus for me, enlightenment (not of the religious sort). I'd like to share my morning.

I initially woke up irritated and feeling like a fat sack of shit. Fair enough. But I kept on with my routine. That is, until I remembered... I forgot to charge both my phone and my Ipod last night. 

Now, this may seem like a minute detail but for me it's a bit trickier than that. I've always been hard on myself, and to some degree no matter how small, probably always will.

The plugs where I work out (the sunroom of the house we keep closed off) were both occupied... I had to break routine. Which, for me is not so great to say the least. So, I calmly sat down in from of the electric fireplace/space heater and "meditated". I say "meditated" Because I've never quite understood the concept in full.

Anyways, I sat there in concentration legs folded back straight before the heater and the candle atop of it. I asked myself some questions. For the most part, I simply answered them. That! Is a triumph of its own! To answer without the paralysis over over-thinking.

<When will we (yes, when I think, I kind of divide myself) work out?

>Noon, or be done by 3.

<Well then, what's next?

>Breakfast... but I hate picking what to eat.

<Think harder. Take your time.

After that I made a good breakfast and have a good concept of how the day will go.

*shrugs* Positivity.

Mute

I find it more appropriate to put my words to text today, as they are not too nice? I'm not sure how to explain it.

This morning is a little hard to start. I just want to be understood... and understood by the second person that matters. Let me explain.

I am a person (hypocritical myself but at least I acknowledge the fact), that loves to be certain of making plans. ESPECIALLY in regards to Halloween, or Halloween related events. I especially dwell if the plans are suggested by another person. It's a scathing pet peeve of mine. Again, I like things to be discussed and planned. I don't like last minute decisions... never have, and  never will. Such as the case with something very recent (this upcoming weekend). Sure, things come up... but do try and be ahead of the game in letting the other party know. Or in general if it looks like it's not going to happen. Let me know within a week at the latest. Because otherwise my interest dies out like the carbon in seltzer. My enthusiasm dries.

I wouldn't be so bothered if it weren't for the suggestion of the person... me trying to prepare, and the person who made the suggestion being non-responsive. That's different than things coming up which  can understand (not like, but understand) That's the difference.

I try to convey this to my boyfriend. Maybe it's because it's his little sister I am talking about or maybe because he truly does not understand what the big deal is. It's not like I can casually talk with him about it. He tends to get a bit more frustrated than need be. I feel like most other people would get how I'm talking. I have a habit of apologizing for things I say to others in advance, due to thinking it will frustrate them like it does him.

I won't be apologizing for any of this to anybody. This is how I feel and it's grown dark and upset, because of lack of communication... between the person who made the suggestion and I. That's what irks me... not the fact that it's not going to happen as planned... by me.

Well, that's my rant for now gotta study I guess... I'm really going to try and treat today like the joke it is... Hysterical and meaningless.

#cynicism

Quite the while

It has been rather too long. I've had a couple of videos between the last post and now. More so on the voice recording aspect. Regardless haven't done this in awhile!

So we've moved, got a cat, I got a bike and successfully managed to pull myself through the meat grinder that was the summer semester. Currently collecting myself into a burger for the fall semester.

What's there to say really? I battled myself  throughout the summer. And it's not over yet. I've been letting things run too out of hand.

Bipolar disorder is no joke although many will use it as such... That's fine I make plenty of inappropriate jokes of my own... but unlike many of the those who make them I'm completely aware of what I'm saying... or I care to be. Anyways, due to age, and my already fragile tolerance for staying up late, what I put into my body etc I feel the need to actually do what's needed of me.

I've struggled with and fought this for a long time... because "it wasn't fair". By this I mean not fair that people my age, and even older can live on a schedule of binge drinking, junk food devouring, and whatever else followed by a two hour interlude of sleep before waking up at 5 am to go to work. I can't do any of those and function properly... if at all really. Often times I don't really do anything during the day due to a malignant fogginess that envelopes my thoughts. Only those with this issue really understand. I read up on it yesterday and it seems that this is by definition fatigue. If not plain fatigue than most certainly mental fatigue. From what? What do I do that's so cerebrally taxing? Nothing most of the time. But I've done my research and time and again it comes to the result of  a bipolar issue. Certainly there has to be a means to thwart it. Tired of feeling sluggish and like it takes fifty millions steps before I can be on the same playing level as the majority of other people.

What am I avoiding that I know I could, and should be doing, but am inevitably shirking?   Some of the aforementioned things I.E.: Sleeping on a schedule with an adequate amount of sleep, avoiding added sugars, and watching my caffeine. plus taking reflective time, and meditation. Which for me would be to write ( the reflect) and to listen to music (the meditation).

See what I mean though? It's kind of a drag having to incorporate all of these extra components. But the "fun" of depriving myself the ability to accomplish things needs to end.

More on this later... maybe I don't know if this has made too much sense but it should to me at a later date... one would hope.

If you happened to read this I'm not sad just found a very old and weathered sticky note I should have paid better mind to.

Just had a massive AHA! moment is all.

See ya later g dawg. Woof woof or whatever the kids say nowadays.

Because it takes too long.

Or I'm lazy. I just didn't want "Because I'm lazy" to be the title.

What I'm referring to is the lack of change in the most recent months on the blog. It happens. I feel that I am putting forth my energy into more important affairs.

So, last month was pretty good, I barely had ketchup, I typed in two of my poetry books, and I had 4 job interviews.

This month should be busier I think. I've written a lot more down that I intend on attending. I've been more forward thinking too. today I met with an adviser at my school. I wanted to see where I was. It turns out I'm indirectly 87% of the way towards an associate's in occupational studies? Which essential means well... I'm not sure I'll get back with you on that. But anyways. It's looking more and more like my future may be pointing toward further college... begrudgingly. But I might welcome it. Especially now that I am thinking about things less before I do them. WHICH in my case is to my aid... because I over analyze to a paralyzing degree.

What steps do I have to take next? Well. this year is going to involve thinking for sure. I have to take another math class... I imagine that will take up quite a lot of time... it did last time I took up a math class. Mainly because algebra is less necessary than art... and it should be cut before art. Because only the really mathematical people are going to have really mathematical careers it's wasting both the student's time and ultimately money.

I have another thing set up tomorrow to see someone from EMU and talk about what would happen if, why, and how I would transfer. So many things I'm working towards things that just . I don't know I feel like I'm getting closer to what I want... like I'm on the verge of some new life changing events.

*HIC*... fluffin hiccups <B

For all of the gentle children

That sounds really bad 0.o

But it, like any other title in this thing hardly relates to the subject. What's been up? Or what's been down. I think it's fairly easy to see thus far the type of mood I'm in from this writing. I like to think I have a pretty clear tone that carries as I write. BUUUUT that's just me. So I've been doing the job hunt thingy. I've had two, count'em two interviews and both of them went well enough. I'm 50/50 that either one of them will grant me a position. One gave me the background check paperwork to fill out... so perhaps that one is a sign? And then the other was supposed to get back with me about a second interview that I have not heard anything about yet... The last communication was almost a week ago... so .... yeah.I'm patiently waiting for them, I have another interview a week from now for a receptionist position at the Aveda school, So, My method of handling this is I'm going to ride out the rest of the month working with these three places and see if anyone bites. and if so. Who? I'll say I am proud that all of the places I have gotten the interviews at, are places that I didn't "settle for". That is extremely helpful to my ego and self esteem. Every job I've had is a job I've "taken". rather than granted. Meaning that I have not had a job that I have been thankful for, other than for the fact that it provided a paycheck. This time I'm attacking the places that I have an interest in first. Which... again for me is good. I perform better the more I care about things.

Other than that, I still have my work services running in the background keeping eyes and ears out for me as well. Which is all the more helpful in finding something that would be a good match. Admittedly I threw out some good opportunities... Jobs I didn't give an honest try. Jobs I was just too scared to attempt. And most importantly jobs I wanted. I'm making it a point to tackle things this year and make bigger risks. I am growing fond of the phrase : "The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward" Unless of course what you're doing is illegal and then it'd be the bigger the punishment.... call it a wild guess.

I'm trying very hard to curtail my bad habits and fortify the good ones. For instance, I'm trying to stop eating so much... and or so many bad things and working more toward my goals. the main 3 being: Finding work, getting my driver's license and getting all of my poetry into the cloud... and then saving it on several things because I'm paranoid like that. Yesterday was perfect!

I guess I just want to go over that a little  bit. Yesterday, that is... At first I felt that I was wasting the day... and then I was at some point because I kept fighting myself about leaving... making the excuse that it's too cold... or this or that. I ended up going and was super glad that I had. I got 2.5 hours straight of typing in my poems. It's a weird little thing that I've noticed... but many times when I've been out and about I tend to do my work... or focus better. It's almost as if I'm showing off... or that I'd feel lazy if I were doing nothing in a public setting. Or it could just be that energy I'm a vampire to. I absorb the city vibes... the feeling of productivity if intoxicating even when I myself am not. I love the city feel for this reason. And I think this is why I couldn't live in the country or, at least not in this point in my life. But then it came to getting home, Famished as I was, I didn't devour everything. I knew I had only eaten 1/3 of my calories so I caught up. I didn't go over them. Good job. And then... it got late... I was bored and watching youtube which for odd reasons makes me want to eat. I ignored it by window shopping on Amazon. Which worked quite nicely actually. there were things I kept on wanting to get but they weren't good enough in my mind to justify actually buying.

Well... I think that is all for now. <B

ankle biting

I have no idea what that term is supposed to mean.

And I so very much want to put some of my pumpkin spice hot cocoa mix into some coffee... alas, as every day when I'm trying to lose poundage, it's early in the day and my will is still strong. Grrrr, I wish that last medicine wouldn't have been such a detour. Now I have to start my old medicine all over again... which may more may not even help this time. I've been feeling hopeless. But I keep moving... Somehow I keep moving even if it's a little. Ad I'm taking yet another detour if my old medicine can't even help. Blah. well, sadly... in many cases the only way to know is by trial and error. I'm rather impatient in regards to things involving myself soooo...

We're on the hunt for a new place, the Bf and I. The one place he wanted really bad, I couldn't say yes to. I felt like a monster. But it was dark... there were only windows on one side of the place, and they only really picked up the morning. Which is better than no sun but that means it's pretty dark the rest of the day. ESPECIALLY in the winter. Gross... I know for sure I'd feel like I was locked away... isolated... that's why I had to say know... If I would have lied my mental health would be in bad shape. I need windows, because even when I want to hide from the world, I still want to see it, and come to realize that I still am a part of it... no matter how much I might not want to be at that moment in time. And in fairness, There were only two places we've looked at, one of which I really enjoyed (lots of windows by a busy road and trees)  and he did not. I mean I liked it but it did need quite a lot of work... Even though it did have character.

IDK. I'm taking all I do in higher regard than most would for what I'm doing. Because honestly, I feel like doing nothing... just watching youtube and binge eating my feelings until I'm biggest loser size. But, I'm not (entirely), I'm typing in my poetry so that I can make sure that I have it safe, should anything happen to the hard copies... and so that I may also edit and publish them. I'm filling out at least one job application daily as well. Taking steps up. I want to believe it's not about how fast the steps are being taken... and I'm trying not to compare myself with the rest of the world... but I give into these things. Sometimes I'm immune. Sometimes. So surely the slow, steady, movements are better than stagnancy?

IDK, <B

fudge it....

So, it kind of goes without saying that there will be more writing in this thing in the coming months. As I use it to... sort things out. Today, feels like yesterday in regards to a mostly frowning face. I feel spacey. I'm drinking plenty of water, as I do tend to dry out rather fast nowadays for some reason. It helps far more than coffee, which would add to the aforementioned drying out. *sigh* Lots of thoughts whirring about in my head. Mainly about my relationship, our future, my future, what I am what I'm not, who I am and am not. All very deep things that I seem to not be able to focus on for very long. What I mean is, they seem to be in a revolving door in my head, and before I get too caught up in one of the slots the next one presents itself. I guess you can throw in the thoughts about mental health, and work for good measure. I guess I'll try to sort out each here a little bit, after all this thing is my makeshift counselor on the days that I do not have an appointment.

Work, I guess I'll begin with that. I'm looking for it, I need it, I kind of want it... but I am terrified by it. Not particular doing work, but dealing with people. I have my bouts between loving people, and avoiding them altogether. Right now, as in this very moment, I have no interest for meetings. It's just that it's been awhile, 2 and half years since I've worked. I have to be strong and believe that I can and will handle it well. A job would be a great thing. It would inspire some independence and time away from the boyfriend. Which is also good. When I'm filling out apps, I am PUSHING myself to do so. There's also a toss up between thoughts of time. When can and should I work? If I tried to work overnights again, could I? I'd like it because I'd have fewer folks to deal with... but I am not so good about sleeping during the day. It kind of goes without saying that at the beginning I'll be overwhelmed a bit, mainly just in terms of maintaining the oh so valuable schedule of a bipolar person. It's the key to ones success. I think that's all I can mention on that front... NO... wait a minute. I also think that yeah... I'm getting a job... That's fine for just money,... but I wasted most of college... I don't really know what I want to do or... what I'm good at... I don't. It's taken me this long to remotely start to feel comfortable with myself... and not alienate myself to a constant. I want desperately, to be an artist... but it looks like a bleak path. I do well, with structure... but structure leads to the basic type of job.... I don't want to be a doctor or anything like that. My college experience thus far has been the same that my high school was. An amalgamation of classes I was curious in... None of them seemed particularly my thing in the end. But now I have a lot more knowledge in the end. That, I am proud of. I love to write, but...I don't want to be a teacher... I'm the type of person who can't tell if he will like something till he tries it. There have been several things I really thought I'd like that just didn't appeal. Hence the throng of classes without a stable path. I can wish all I want that I was going through this at a younger "more appropriate" point in time, but that leaves nothing changed. I can wish, my childhood life at home was stable and loving enough, that I really could care about my academia and look to the future rather than just trying to survive. I could wish that I would have had to have an allowance, to show responsibility and understand work, and then started working when I was younger. Wish, Wish, Wish. I know I'm still in my twenties, but I feel so far behind... especially living in the shadow of such  a prestigious college town. It inspires me through self hatred sometimes. We'll slide into the next topic.

Mental health... What I had said about wishes kind of ties into this... because if I would have figured out things... that I have bipolar and anxiety, sooner... I wonder where I'd be and what I'd be like right at this very moment. I have a firm assumption it'd be further along and far happier. But one can never know such a thing. I'll just say, that due to this thing I have living along side of me I feel like I'm on a treadmill a good portion of the time... I can see what I think I'd like in front of me... I'm moving alright... but I don't seem to notice when to turn off the switch, and walk out in front of the treadmill to achieve it. Hopefully that translated well from my head to text... I really don't wish to be like my parents. few ever do. The goal should be to reach new heights, and make your own empire. In some ways I feel I'm succeeding. These are thoughts I always have, but they predominantly attack when I'm at my lower ends. that's how I'm able to express them to you right now. Obviously, I'm not too down to where I am curled up in the fetal position. No. I've felt the inability to do anything too much when I had the Akathisia. And the meds and such... I need to get those correct to move on and be as function able as possible. I just told myself today while feeling this... there should be no reason to feel sad, without something happening to you. Of course there is the winter and what not... but I'm sure that's only an addition. And then we can tidy up with the last bit of discussion.

Relationships. I've always been rather push or pull. Being Bi polar entails extremes, I know this. when I was little for instance there was a time that a friend had did something I did not like and I chose not speak to him for like two months. I was about five... so that was pretty intense. I got very jealous when my friends would meet and become friends. I felt as the I was being pushed out by the very same two people I brought together. I'm on or off a lot although, I have gotten tremendously better I'd say about it. My disorder distorts how I should be feeling for sure. Sometimes I question if I've loved or been infatuated. I know I've hated... oh that I'm sure. I've felt numb errr... melancholy is a big thing I feel. Of late, I've been feeling distant with my boyfriend. Maybe I'm reading into it too much? If not I'd rather he just say what he needs to, to me. But I just keep feeling like a loner as well... there's this masochistic side of me that loves being alone... and only having acquaintances, and then there's the side that really longs for deep bonding. I'm never 100% sure which voice is me... though I often times side with the one playing for keeps. IIIIIII think that that's a good note to finish on. I'm really proud of this entry. I feel a little better having collected my thoughts like this.

<B

AKATHISIA

A word I never knew, and a feeling I hope to never again experience.

So, here we are the 2nd week of 2016. I'm feeling down but trying very hard to maintain my hope for the coming year, and do so in various ways. I should probably rewind and brush over the things I am not sure I've covered with the Christmas and New Years.

Well, they were great, there's not too much to be said about them. Christmas with my mother was good. Christmas with the Bf's family was awesome as usual. I like to feel like I have a family. I keep having this negative nagging thoughts popping in and out so bear with me. New years, was okay. I got to spend it with my bf and his family again. I left without saying goodbye... I felt gross and wanted to hide. Plus, there were other things going on with me I was aware of.

2016 came on quick and seems to be the quickest moving month I can ever recall. It's almost already half way through. The holidays, were burdened (but managed well) with some internal struggles. Right, so I usually start feeling... a downward shift in mood come, I'd say mid October (it has nothing to do with my birthday). Peculiar how it's so close to my favorite day, but it's in my design. I had asked the doc, about getting a stronger medication, we tried a small addition of litium, and it made me sick. So, then we slowly started introducing Latuda. Well, this drug... hehe this drug... It didn't really help. When I was in the lower doses I dismissed any negativity I had because it's new and I'm not sure what to expect, so on, so forth. But I now believe it's one of the factors as to why I was fighting with myself around the holidays... It added to the depression even if just a little, it did. But then came the real fun. It's note worthy that I drink most nights in December. That's just how things go. But I suspect, the alcohol helped level me out. I'm not turning to the bottle and becoming an alcohol or anything it's just an observation. When I went to my higher dosage, I was still drinking. Until, I didn't and then I was wide awake, restless...And it was pretty evident it was the medicine causing this because it happened not long after I had took it. I thought it was odd, but shrugged it off. Three nights later, the same thing happens but worse. This time I can not sleep, concentrate, or anything. I ended up getting to sleep I'd say around 2 A.M. I guesstimate that because I stopped looking at the clock... I couldn't care... about anything besides beating this thing. Safe, next morning I woke up and didn't feel sleep deprived one bit. This was also the day where I was going to stop taking the med at night. The only reason I took it at night to begin with is because in the very beginning when I took it in the morning it made me feel sick. But anyways, that day went fine... I still had odd energy, but it was manageable and I did some fun things with it.
The following day, was the final straw. I took the pills... All of a sudden, amplified by at least three times... I felt the familiar symptoms. Except this time... I was very erratic. This time, it felt like my major veins and arteries were going to erupt and spray everywhere. I tried to sit still... but it was as if my body was reading stillness as pain and fought me to deny it. Ugh, I thought maybe I could jog in place... but my body somehow felt unprepared? I tried to make myself purge up any of it... but nothing happened. This was the first time in quite some time I felt I was unsafe to be alone. I called 911 and went to U of M. Psych center... because it had to deal with psych meds. I waited there about 3- 3 1/2 hours total. I waited and shook off a good portion of the energy but then they gave me a downer for my upper... and it leveled me out. It was discovered that I had Akathisia, which encompasses essentially everything I had described. I felt rabid. The thought of suicide came and left. More of a thought that "I'd do anything to stop this feeling". That bad. My doctor and I are putting me back on my old medicine for right now. I've not been the happiest of late but yeah this time of year, a lot of people have a dip in mood. There's not much to get ramped up for.

I'll try and be brief about this next part. So, lately I've been feeling alone. I see my bf everyday. But I feel alone. I do have a feeling of helplessness, but I know I'm not helpless. I want to indulge in quick fixes of food, and sugar but they are destructive for any other reason than necessity. I make a very conscious effort to flip the negative thoughts. And to do the things I have to and want to do. But the nagging feelings remain. Sadly, I have to start back from the lowest dose of my original medicine. I keep struggling with my writing as far as saying it sucks blah, blah, blah. But I also keep observing myself. I know it's kind of sad, but this point in the year, I might have a job. Perhaps that might help.?
That's a thing too, I've been feeling inferior, I don't have a "degree" in anything, and I don't have a published book. Okay, that's enough of that.

I've just got to find the ways to make things work is all. In the most healthy and helpful ways. I'd like to use the phrase whatever works. But I don't feel it applies to this.

If ya read this, sorry. but thank you. <B