blahahahahahha
WOW! I actually looked back at the last time that I have posted an entry! 8 days? Crazy!
Anyways though. I think I've not been reporting in because I have felt sick and or haven't felt there was not enough for me to say. I DUNNO! But let's get intro this!
PAST:
Okay, so what's been up Bry Bry? Ah, nothing much. Being too hard on myself.. Not sleeping that well, trying a new med that made me sick. ummm okay... anything good though? Well, yeah I've kept up almost 3 whole weeks of being dairy free! Good job. Yes, good indeed. I've been feeling really sluggish and stuff. That kinda sucks... but I'm working on seeing a neurologist hopefully next month. Hopefully it's sleep related, because I do not know what else could be the cause. What Else... What else! OOO! Probably my favorite thing! On Sat or Sun, the bf and I rearranged some stuff. It has made the flow of everything so amazing! There were a couple of reasons for said rearranging of the house/ rooms. But the main one was that, I love being in solitude in the morning... I'm not that social of a being to begin with, but that morning isolation is much needed to carry on and collect thoughts and stuff. Because when I invest in something... I become enamored... BUT it's not to the point where everything else is filtered out... In these moments I need to be alone... Other presences distract me. .... except for sometimes when I'm in public, and the anxiety actually helps me to focus and pull my head out of the world that surrounds me... What can I say other than I am what I am and I do what I do. I can only work with my cards and try to play them in the best ways possible.
ANYWAYS... Focus Bry. Okay we got this. But what we did is we put the treadmill in the guest room which was one the "guest room/ office room". We moved the stereo in there, (which knowing me, I'll follow my stereo, it's how I work out... it's how I've worked out since the dawn of my exercising. Sooo I am back into my own domain, and I don't feel like my morning space is being invaded, and my bf doesn't feel like he's being invasive. In addition to that awesome move... We also moved my little work space into the room! So now I have my own little space, and we can separate if needed. I love it... Now I have sunlight right behind me.... I can control the amount of light coming in through the room, (the curtains in the other room were fixed, light could get through, but the only way to get the most light was to raise them up. and I was off to the corner which felt awkward like my inner child had done something wrong. Back to the perks of the new room.
I can burn my candles in it safely, My stereo is right next to my desk, So if I want some better sound I could hook my comp up to my stereo. Everything has great flow here.
And then there is the empty space... now in the dining room. ;(... but NOT TO WORRY!. The bf also get's a sweet deal! he got to buy the dining room table he has been eyeing for the whole 8 months of this year. It's a nice honey colored corner table booth thing... Like the kind you would find in the corner of a restaurant. And now that I won't be all naked and stuff in the living room, we can keep the side window open! Let some awesome sunlight in all the time and letting the nice view in. That's great because that's one of the features of the place that had made me fall in love with it! SOOO that's what has happened! So little but yet so much!
PRESENT:
Today is in the air... No not because it is one of the freestyle days. But because had been feeling for awhile that I was trying too hard to force a schedule upon myself and... MAKE myself do things... When you try and make yourself to do things in art... at least for me... it turns out gross and I hate it and it just doesn't feel right it really strips the magic from the project. I mean don't get me wrong there needs to be guidelines to some degree. Like the amount of hours of each you'd like to get done. But doing marathons are... gross and discouraging. At least for me they are... I need to do what pops into my head when it pops into it! Just a thing.. Always been that way... when I force it I draw a blank and I'm over it. And I am sad because of that... and this nasty cycle of resentment. So.. yeah basic guidelines will help... and there's also some other good things... with things that I would like to time... I SHOULD literally time them. With the timer/ alarm on my phone... Put my phone down and try to give myself fully to whatever it is that I need to or want to be doing. Which, again is a personal thing that helps me ... kind of relieves me... Takes the weight from the things just a little bit kind of locking me in to a time frame... that's not too long not supers short. And then sometimes, I'll go the half hour route. That mean's I'll do something for half an hour, if I'm not feeling it right then and there, then I'll come back later. BUT if I am enjoying it and I I'm in the zone so to speak... I'll just keep it up. So, yeah... it is usually around these times that the lightening up is surprisingly helpful... it helps me to be more positive and more proactive... because I'm not being one of those overbearing parents to myself... You know the one... the one that wants their kid to be perfect and pushes them to the breaking point all of the time... And then when I don't adhere to that inner voice it batters me.
Simply stated I usually over stress to the point of stagnancy...
THIS JUST IN!!! I almost died... or really fucked myself up! Why? The table came! I try to tumble it up the stairs by myself to surprise the boyfriend... Alas I could not... I got stuck... I also slid back... and it would have crushed me for sure!... By some fate...I called for him... and he heard me from his nap... and help me get it back down the stairs at least. WHOO!! excitement... endorphins! Blood pumping action!
FUTURE:
August is full of necessary evils and somethings that put the FUN back in FUNCTIONS!! ... yeah that wasn't good lol. But the nearest thing is probably the full moon on friday... The second full moon this month. Which I hear is extremely rare... So it should be more special... I should really try and go out that night and visit it.
Then there's the baseball game I have mentioned. that should be unique. I'm most exciting about the cracker jacks... but I really do care if I come back... that'd be scary... am I the only one who thinks that it's horrifying that you usually hear kids singing that song by the way? I'm sure John Walsh hates that song.
Then a wedding... I'm not particularly thrilled.. I don't know the people... I've met them but hardly talked to them and stuff... It's the sister in law of my Bf's sister. Ummm free food and booze though, should I (probably) choose to indulge in that.
Then watching the dogs again.. earlier blogs say that.
I gotta get school books.. and go to a thing for the job rehabilitation thing that I finally signed up for. Andddd, last but not least Go back to school.
And again... I don't mind August... Especially if it's got things to look forward to to help the month pass... It's like fiber for a month that is constipated. But again... Halloween stuff is on the rise... August this the beginning... muahahaha.
One last thing... there is the possibility of going to Chicago on my B-Day weekend.... THAT"S AWESOME. Fall, awesome....October, awesome...Birthday, awesome... Chicago awesome... All together plus right around Halloween?!? This might rival my best birthday to date! (my 17th). But As with everything I shall go in with compressed expectations... as much as I can for going to Chicago around my B-day. Worst case scenario we can't go. Oh well. the back up of Halloweekends is still awesome! And now that I'm getting better at trying to make my B-day this grandiose thing... I can take what I get... I mean I already have it in the best season, the best month, and 13 days before the best Holiday
... Nuff said
<B
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Monday, July 20, 2015
dlnvoirjiojvjoigfoinvldsn because why not?
Brain... failing...
PAST:
I'm not quite sure than has been anything too titillating. What's happened though? Well, I'll tell ya. It's been different. Not sure if good or bad. But what I am sure of is that I am changing. I saw my psychiatrist again, and we mutually decided I should add a little extra medicine. NOW, I've been feeling a little strange since then I won't lie. But maybe it's because I need to adjust? I am not really sure as there are other variables present that I could change and see if they factor in, or if indeed the medicine is the culprit. I've been eating a lot of sugary things... I guess enjoying the things that I can eat now. I've been without dairy for nearly two weeks. Sure it does suck. But I've noticed that I'm a lot more regular.... I sound so fucking old. It's supposedly really good for you as we don't need milk. Its more of a treat like anything else involving dairy... chocolate and almost any other creamy thing. But it's for the best this way. Because it saves me... it's indeed a net. now I can't just go anywhere and pick up a treat. except oreos... did you know there is no dairy of any kind involved in it... Scary I know but delicious the same. But yeah, the boyfriend has been more on tack than I have food wise. It's whatever I only have to impress myself, and him. If others happen to be as well... so be it but it's no longer a huge goal. I have real people things to attend to. Not who's hot and who's not. Hmmmm. what else happened? Idk... Still tired... slightly less so due to the walk I just got back from, (vitamin D and all that jazz). Let's move on.
CURRENT:
I have pretty much summed it up with tired. Again, it could be the medicine, it could be me trying to toy with my schedule, it could be a sugar hangover from the marshmallow fluff I recklessly indulged in last night. I'm not certain in any capacity which of them it is, and maybe it's multiple. But I do have to say that I am impressed with having not only exercised today, But I've figured out the insurance stuff, looked at when I have to get books for class, looked at when class starts (august 24), and the days and times in which I would need to be there. I'm blogging so that will be off of the checklist, I've shaved, went for a walk... leaving me to have to clean and and practice. So, I've finished 2/3 of my goals. After wards I will take an hour or so and then come up with 3 more, listen to music, and or just try and practice some more. Maybe read a little?
FUTURE:
Soooo, this week is loot crate, Heroes edition... we'll see what's in that. ... and then a full moon on the 31st. Pretty cool, but august has suddenly become kind of full. Kick starting the month with a baseball game of all things. I never thought I would say yes, or care to even try and go to anything involving sports... especially in the middle of the summer. But I want the experience. I'm very curious about it all. Camping went well, Just have to try it. I used to say, and I will start saying it again. I will try things in 3's. My only complaint is the thing that I am most interested in is so early in the month. Thus... leaving the rest of the month kind of limp. It happened this month too with the 4th of July camping trip. July usually goes especially slow for me anyways... seeing as it is meant for summer people... July is to summer people as October is to fall people... I get it... I really do. and it is better than oh, say January or February. But, it's in the way. But Bryan, October's not for another 3 months. Noted. I used to dislike August equally if not more because it's like getting up to the biggest scene in a movie and having the power go off. Ready to get on with it... but having an unfortunate obstacle. Now, I see August as many retailers do... It's the beginning. It's the time when dark things start to conspire in small groups, and plan their approach to store display domination. The B- side to July that Assure's you Halloween IS COMING. Then September plunges you right into the middle of things. Finally, October. Everything is in full swing! The only sad bit, is... much like Halloween creeps up so do the greens and reds. They've already begun to... But I can't think about that. I just hope that this upcoming Season will far surpass that of last year. I am in better health, and I am ready! majority of the problem last year... stupid scratched cornea... Now the Halloween aesthetics won't be quite the same... I'l have to get a little more creative I guess. Anyways that's it!
<B
PAST:
I'm not quite sure than has been anything too titillating. What's happened though? Well, I'll tell ya. It's been different. Not sure if good or bad. But what I am sure of is that I am changing. I saw my psychiatrist again, and we mutually decided I should add a little extra medicine. NOW, I've been feeling a little strange since then I won't lie. But maybe it's because I need to adjust? I am not really sure as there are other variables present that I could change and see if they factor in, or if indeed the medicine is the culprit. I've been eating a lot of sugary things... I guess enjoying the things that I can eat now. I've been without dairy for nearly two weeks. Sure it does suck. But I've noticed that I'm a lot more regular.... I sound so fucking old. It's supposedly really good for you as we don't need milk. Its more of a treat like anything else involving dairy... chocolate and almost any other creamy thing. But it's for the best this way. Because it saves me... it's indeed a net. now I can't just go anywhere and pick up a treat. except oreos... did you know there is no dairy of any kind involved in it... Scary I know but delicious the same. But yeah, the boyfriend has been more on tack than I have food wise. It's whatever I only have to impress myself, and him. If others happen to be as well... so be it but it's no longer a huge goal. I have real people things to attend to. Not who's hot and who's not. Hmmmm. what else happened? Idk... Still tired... slightly less so due to the walk I just got back from, (vitamin D and all that jazz). Let's move on.
CURRENT:
I have pretty much summed it up with tired. Again, it could be the medicine, it could be me trying to toy with my schedule, it could be a sugar hangover from the marshmallow fluff I recklessly indulged in last night. I'm not certain in any capacity which of them it is, and maybe it's multiple. But I do have to say that I am impressed with having not only exercised today, But I've figured out the insurance stuff, looked at when I have to get books for class, looked at when class starts (august 24), and the days and times in which I would need to be there. I'm blogging so that will be off of the checklist, I've shaved, went for a walk... leaving me to have to clean and and practice. So, I've finished 2/3 of my goals. After wards I will take an hour or so and then come up with 3 more, listen to music, and or just try and practice some more. Maybe read a little?
FUTURE:
Soooo, this week is loot crate, Heroes edition... we'll see what's in that. ... and then a full moon on the 31st. Pretty cool, but august has suddenly become kind of full. Kick starting the month with a baseball game of all things. I never thought I would say yes, or care to even try and go to anything involving sports... especially in the middle of the summer. But I want the experience. I'm very curious about it all. Camping went well, Just have to try it. I used to say, and I will start saying it again. I will try things in 3's. My only complaint is the thing that I am most interested in is so early in the month. Thus... leaving the rest of the month kind of limp. It happened this month too with the 4th of July camping trip. July usually goes especially slow for me anyways... seeing as it is meant for summer people... July is to summer people as October is to fall people... I get it... I really do. and it is better than oh, say January or February. But, it's in the way. But Bryan, October's not for another 3 months. Noted. I used to dislike August equally if not more because it's like getting up to the biggest scene in a movie and having the power go off. Ready to get on with it... but having an unfortunate obstacle. Now, I see August as many retailers do... It's the beginning. It's the time when dark things start to conspire in small groups, and plan their approach to store display domination. The B- side to July that Assure's you Halloween IS COMING. Then September plunges you right into the middle of things. Finally, October. Everything is in full swing! The only sad bit, is... much like Halloween creeps up so do the greens and reds. They've already begun to... But I can't think about that. I just hope that this upcoming Season will far surpass that of last year. I am in better health, and I am ready! majority of the problem last year... stupid scratched cornea... Now the Halloween aesthetics won't be quite the same... I'l have to get a little more creative I guess. Anyways that's it!
<B
Monday, July 13, 2015
nine inch Fails
Awap babaloowhap a bop bamboo! ... frutii tutti...
PAST:
Okay, I obviously have abandoned the ritual of writing one of these daily. But really there isn't an inherent need to. I was mainly doing it before to try and get what I was feeling out into the open, to get it out and kind of make it it's own entity. If that makes sense? I guess so I could look at in a third person perspective. But I can do that without one of these. that way I'm not making one of these everyday with the same things, or worse. NOTHING to say in them. Thus, I'll write these every other day or so... twice or thrice a week. But anyways. This weekend, has been unique, and this next venture I am taking will be interesting as well. How you ask? Well to answer about the weekend specifically, the boyfriend and I went on a walk together, and I mean a real walk (almost 5 miles) :). I'm glad to see that he is doing this, it's good for us, but good for him as well. It's a necessary evil working out is. It's good to help lower a lot of things including stress and anxiety. But he's starting to feel proud of himself as he should I am too! I like seeing him do something and committing to it and being happy. It's really nice to see. Once you get those gears moving, it gets easier.
I on the other hand have been not too good on the food side of things (what's up with that?). But I'm not particularly angry about it. Maybe at times I feel kinda gross... but I've not been going on and on about it. I think it's because a part of me recognizes and is fully aware that "hey man, your choice". So in other words. Shouldn't complain if you did it an knew better. That and I'm getting to this point where I am better accepting of myself, and I don't hate people. I've never really "hated" "people" so much as been confused by them. And annoyed that I can't do. Lately all I've been trying to do, is just live through my eyes and not through my mind. Be in my body, not trying to be another person off to the side of me making sure that my actions don't make me look vulnerable. But that's what ever. I keep bringing to mind the very true phase as well "No one lives forever". It's dark, and inspiring. Hearing those words is haunting, yet a call to enjoy what you have while you have it. I've been opening myself to much more than I can remember. I'm not fond of the idea of missing out anymore. I've done nothing much since I've gotten out of high school. I'm 25 very nearly 26 and I have far less than I wish I did.So, I gotta look up, and look ahead. I've had some great experiences since I've moved out here, and a lot less pain. Again, I have to try and start taking some not too extreme risks. Because I repeat. I never would have moved out here and things would be very different. I might not even be here anymore... alive.. Moving away from that sad thought though. I have a surprisingly less sad story. I'm going to try and go without dairy for a month... Based on the results of that I will go from there and see how I feel/ look/ think etc. So ultimately if I do give it up, the only animal I'll eat is seafood, and egg. So essentially I'm only going to be eating, veggies, protein, and whole wheats. Wow that even sounds healthy. ^_^
CURRENT:
Well, about to go get a snack, open the blinds, alternate between practice, and job scouting, and write some new stuff actually.. we'll see how that goes... I've done some drawing projects recently and I think I had better chops at that when I was in third grade. Truly a skill you have to keep up. Otherwise not much more for today.
FUTURE:
Tomorrow! It's the witch thing! I'm nervous and excited... and nervous. I'm gonna go in as level as I can be. If they do that aura thing and what not... Idk.. my nerves my be even more exposed than I'd hope. But yeah, Maybe I'll meet some people on a similar wavelength. People who like the fall, who like the night and the moon. Etc. And then there's miscellaneous things, the art fair starts on wednesday, I have to see my psychiatrist on Thursday, and on friday.... NEW CELLDWELLER ALBUM... and a really big surprise that was just announced a couple of days ago. NEW SONIC MAYHEM ALBUM!! A day of great music indeed. Other than that I'm really just itching for july to run it's course... It's only good for those who are as enamored with it, as I am with with fall. And or the people who are going on a lot of vacations and stuff.
Yup,
That's it.
That's all.
That's the end.
That's That!
I'm going to go snack. <3
PAST:
Okay, I obviously have abandoned the ritual of writing one of these daily. But really there isn't an inherent need to. I was mainly doing it before to try and get what I was feeling out into the open, to get it out and kind of make it it's own entity. If that makes sense? I guess so I could look at in a third person perspective. But I can do that without one of these. that way I'm not making one of these everyday with the same things, or worse. NOTHING to say in them. Thus, I'll write these every other day or so... twice or thrice a week. But anyways. This weekend, has been unique, and this next venture I am taking will be interesting as well. How you ask? Well to answer about the weekend specifically, the boyfriend and I went on a walk together, and I mean a real walk (almost 5 miles) :). I'm glad to see that he is doing this, it's good for us, but good for him as well. It's a necessary evil working out is. It's good to help lower a lot of things including stress and anxiety. But he's starting to feel proud of himself as he should I am too! I like seeing him do something and committing to it and being happy. It's really nice to see. Once you get those gears moving, it gets easier.
I on the other hand have been not too good on the food side of things (what's up with that?). But I'm not particularly angry about it. Maybe at times I feel kinda gross... but I've not been going on and on about it. I think it's because a part of me recognizes and is fully aware that "hey man, your choice". So in other words. Shouldn't complain if you did it an knew better. That and I'm getting to this point where I am better accepting of myself, and I don't hate people. I've never really "hated" "people" so much as been confused by them. And annoyed that I can't do. Lately all I've been trying to do, is just live through my eyes and not through my mind. Be in my body, not trying to be another person off to the side of me making sure that my actions don't make me look vulnerable. But that's what ever. I keep bringing to mind the very true phase as well "No one lives forever". It's dark, and inspiring. Hearing those words is haunting, yet a call to enjoy what you have while you have it. I've been opening myself to much more than I can remember. I'm not fond of the idea of missing out anymore. I've done nothing much since I've gotten out of high school. I'm 25 very nearly 26 and I have far less than I wish I did.So, I gotta look up, and look ahead. I've had some great experiences since I've moved out here, and a lot less pain. Again, I have to try and start taking some not too extreme risks. Because I repeat. I never would have moved out here and things would be very different. I might not even be here anymore... alive.. Moving away from that sad thought though. I have a surprisingly less sad story. I'm going to try and go without dairy for a month... Based on the results of that I will go from there and see how I feel/ look/ think etc. So ultimately if I do give it up, the only animal I'll eat is seafood, and egg. So essentially I'm only going to be eating, veggies, protein, and whole wheats. Wow that even sounds healthy. ^_^
CURRENT:
Well, about to go get a snack, open the blinds, alternate between practice, and job scouting, and write some new stuff actually.. we'll see how that goes... I've done some drawing projects recently and I think I had better chops at that when I was in third grade. Truly a skill you have to keep up. Otherwise not much more for today.
FUTURE:
Tomorrow! It's the witch thing! I'm nervous and excited... and nervous. I'm gonna go in as level as I can be. If they do that aura thing and what not... Idk.. my nerves my be even more exposed than I'd hope. But yeah, Maybe I'll meet some people on a similar wavelength. People who like the fall, who like the night and the moon. Etc. And then there's miscellaneous things, the art fair starts on wednesday, I have to see my psychiatrist on Thursday, and on friday.... NEW CELLDWELLER ALBUM... and a really big surprise that was just announced a couple of days ago. NEW SONIC MAYHEM ALBUM!! A day of great music indeed. Other than that I'm really just itching for july to run it's course... It's only good for those who are as enamored with it, as I am with with fall. And or the people who are going on a lot of vacations and stuff.
Yup,
That's it.
That's all.
That's the end.
That's That!
I'm going to go snack. <3
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Pip squeek motherfucker
If you wouldn't say it up close, don't say it you moron.
PAST:
Well, since I already tackled the camping trip what news is to be had? Not much...actually a whole lot of nothing really. Too much of it. I've been doing well enough, eating what and when I can. For some odd reason I have not received my food stamps for the month. So I am forced into a world of milk beans, and tuna... The essentials. The only things that I can say about it are sure it sucks, but it's doing some good, it's helping me eat less crap- even if involuntarily. It's also forcing me to be a little bit more creative with my food. So that's not all bad. Couple days ago when I felt down and out... and tired as fuck I looked up ways to build energy and I constructed a list to do so. It was going to be of 100 things, but I only got around to 50 seeing as a lot of the sites had very similar answers : exercise, water, sleep, eat well, and go outside for a little bit as well as breaking things up into chunks. Maybe THAT'S how I felt like I got a lot more done last year... because I didn't overtly dwell on one aspect at a time but I rotated from one thing to the next between an hour and an hour and a half. Good stuff right?
Yesterday was fabulous for all the right reasons. It was one of those days that I deemed to be a lax day. But what I mean by that is it is really giving into whatever I want to do in whatever order with the exception of exercise because I have to do that first thing in the morning. the YES in yesterday was apparent. I allowed myself to do things in my own time, and only did but 30 minutes of each thing. If I felt that that was enough I moved right along. but if I became enamored with something. Why stop it? Sooo First off I started maybe even finished a bay side project. It was but a drawing of whatever I thought of drawn in white ink on black poster board. It was very random, I drew with what I felt from the music I was listening to at the time which, was the mortal kombat 2 video game soundtrack. It was weird to say the least as 99.9% of my art is... But the thing is is I just let it flow and it was organic... that was from me. I was not forcing much of anything. But I put that down after 30 minutes. I may pick it up the next lax day (Sunday) and add more... Or flip it onto the other side. Generally in the back of my mind I know then something is done. I feel that it actually is but when I go back to it I might have completely new additives to contribute. Next I packed up and did something that was very different and exciting. I walked out into the beautiful early autumn type weather and hit bigby coffee.. Oddly enough not black diesel... I'm not sure but I think I like where bigby is more... It has more of a scenic vibe to it overlooking one of my favorite parks and original filming location for a video that's very dear to me. I should definitely take that into account when I count my achievements in life. It may be all weird and janky and and stuff. But it IS MINE! I very nearly single-handedly came up and did everything. Which is great in regards to having 3 other people on my team (the smallest team in the class already) and two did not really care it seemed and the other one did, but she lived far away and had a lot of job stuff. But anyways, I remember it, working through a literal storm, utilizing the only time that I had in the computer room to make this as best as I could... Anyways, off subject. Sentimental attraction to the location. I actually brought my laptop with me. THAT itself is pretty unique. I sat down, and I got to work on a song from scratch, and I worked with it until my battery died about 2 - 2 1/2 hours later. I was amazed at how time went by and how focused I was for having people be around. Awesome though. I walked on home, and I took maybe 2 hours to myself... Not sure what? That eludes me. But then I took a shower and thought to myself I wanted a little bit more. What was that little bit more? The anthology... I really thought about it and I don't need it to be in alphabetical order at all. All I really needed to do was to make it so that the pages did not have incomplete poems on them... So more or less I just entered everything down. Then I asked the boyfriend if he could print it because I want a physical copy of the rough ROUGH draft. To change words and or punctuation revise it. But beyond me I want 3 others to review it. And then I will be on the hunt of someone to publish through. Or, self publish through whatever. The plan is to have it published by at latest Halloween. I want it digital, I want maybe 30 copies paperback, and one hardcover for myself because I love Hardcover but it's expensive. Maybe some places will sell it? Who knows. All I know is that I will be passing it along.
Wow, I guess I am giving the extended answer for everything.
CURRENT:
Well Right now I have already watched on of my music tutorials. which I found someone who teaches in an informative but casual tone. PERFECT! And then I am finishing up this rather lengthy blog, will drinking some nasty vanilla protein powder, milk, coffees, cinnamon concoction... The only thing making it a cup of yuck is the powder... the chocolate is better for some reason. Then... I will do job hunting on the basic sites, which usually takes about half an hour or less because of the overly high or low standards for jobs. Nothing Halloween or fall related YET! But I assume soon as it it is almost 100 days away... which in retail is when things start to appear for the following season. And then a walk, and some well needed cleaning, and more music, and then figuring out what to put on the red poster board to wrap up the day.
FUTURE:
Well, all of the closest things are next week which gives excitement for that week. First of the Witches thing! YAYYY. I doubt it but perhaps we'll have another fall type day. Then the following day the madness ensues when the art fair wakes up and fills the streets with tourists and hippies and yapping children. It's fun sometimes. But usually a giant mass of sweaty writhing skin moving at a crawling pace. I have to go ad report to my psychiatrist to let her know how the new medicine dosage is treating me on the second day of the fair.... which just so happens to be right downtown as well. Safe to say that I would not only want to walk to it, but I'd probably get to it faster walking... as the traffic is the main annoyance for most of the people who have lived here for years. and last... but my favorite bit of news. NEW CELLDWELLER MUSIC! Yes that's always a good time for me. So that means beginning Sunday I will be listening to his albums in order until the new one arrives. And then this month is pretty much washed up... I don't really ever recall my July's being eventful. I think for most people it is their favorite and their busiest and the just have everything to do. And my "july" is October. Which still needs a bit of preparation. Need to talk to the bf about that. We've got slightly more than 3 months to prepare, and three months is the bare minimum for planning things.
Okay, Goodbye!
^_^
<B
PAST:
Well, since I already tackled the camping trip what news is to be had? Not much...actually a whole lot of nothing really. Too much of it. I've been doing well enough, eating what and when I can. For some odd reason I have not received my food stamps for the month. So I am forced into a world of milk beans, and tuna... The essentials. The only things that I can say about it are sure it sucks, but it's doing some good, it's helping me eat less crap- even if involuntarily. It's also forcing me to be a little bit more creative with my food. So that's not all bad. Couple days ago when I felt down and out... and tired as fuck I looked up ways to build energy and I constructed a list to do so. It was going to be of 100 things, but I only got around to 50 seeing as a lot of the sites had very similar answers : exercise, water, sleep, eat well, and go outside for a little bit as well as breaking things up into chunks. Maybe THAT'S how I felt like I got a lot more done last year... because I didn't overtly dwell on one aspect at a time but I rotated from one thing to the next between an hour and an hour and a half. Good stuff right?
Yesterday was fabulous for all the right reasons. It was one of those days that I deemed to be a lax day. But what I mean by that is it is really giving into whatever I want to do in whatever order with the exception of exercise because I have to do that first thing in the morning. the YES in yesterday was apparent. I allowed myself to do things in my own time, and only did but 30 minutes of each thing. If I felt that that was enough I moved right along. but if I became enamored with something. Why stop it? Sooo First off I started maybe even finished a bay side project. It was but a drawing of whatever I thought of drawn in white ink on black poster board. It was very random, I drew with what I felt from the music I was listening to at the time which, was the mortal kombat 2 video game soundtrack. It was weird to say the least as 99.9% of my art is... But the thing is is I just let it flow and it was organic... that was from me. I was not forcing much of anything. But I put that down after 30 minutes. I may pick it up the next lax day (Sunday) and add more... Or flip it onto the other side. Generally in the back of my mind I know then something is done. I feel that it actually is but when I go back to it I might have completely new additives to contribute. Next I packed up and did something that was very different and exciting. I walked out into the beautiful early autumn type weather and hit bigby coffee.. Oddly enough not black diesel... I'm not sure but I think I like where bigby is more... It has more of a scenic vibe to it overlooking one of my favorite parks and original filming location for a video that's very dear to me. I should definitely take that into account when I count my achievements in life. It may be all weird and janky and and stuff. But it IS MINE! I very nearly single-handedly came up and did everything. Which is great in regards to having 3 other people on my team (the smallest team in the class already) and two did not really care it seemed and the other one did, but she lived far away and had a lot of job stuff. But anyways, I remember it, working through a literal storm, utilizing the only time that I had in the computer room to make this as best as I could... Anyways, off subject. Sentimental attraction to the location. I actually brought my laptop with me. THAT itself is pretty unique. I sat down, and I got to work on a song from scratch, and I worked with it until my battery died about 2 - 2 1/2 hours later. I was amazed at how time went by and how focused I was for having people be around. Awesome though. I walked on home, and I took maybe 2 hours to myself... Not sure what? That eludes me. But then I took a shower and thought to myself I wanted a little bit more. What was that little bit more? The anthology... I really thought about it and I don't need it to be in alphabetical order at all. All I really needed to do was to make it so that the pages did not have incomplete poems on them... So more or less I just entered everything down. Then I asked the boyfriend if he could print it because I want a physical copy of the rough ROUGH draft. To change words and or punctuation revise it. But beyond me I want 3 others to review it. And then I will be on the hunt of someone to publish through. Or, self publish through whatever. The plan is to have it published by at latest Halloween. I want it digital, I want maybe 30 copies paperback, and one hardcover for myself because I love Hardcover but it's expensive. Maybe some places will sell it? Who knows. All I know is that I will be passing it along.
Wow, I guess I am giving the extended answer for everything.
CURRENT:
Well Right now I have already watched on of my music tutorials. which I found someone who teaches in an informative but casual tone. PERFECT! And then I am finishing up this rather lengthy blog, will drinking some nasty vanilla protein powder, milk, coffees, cinnamon concoction... The only thing making it a cup of yuck is the powder... the chocolate is better for some reason. Then... I will do job hunting on the basic sites, which usually takes about half an hour or less because of the overly high or low standards for jobs. Nothing Halloween or fall related YET! But I assume soon as it it is almost 100 days away... which in retail is when things start to appear for the following season. And then a walk, and some well needed cleaning, and more music, and then figuring out what to put on the red poster board to wrap up the day.
FUTURE:
Well, all of the closest things are next week which gives excitement for that week. First of the Witches thing! YAYYY. I doubt it but perhaps we'll have another fall type day. Then the following day the madness ensues when the art fair wakes up and fills the streets with tourists and hippies and yapping children. It's fun sometimes. But usually a giant mass of sweaty writhing skin moving at a crawling pace. I have to go ad report to my psychiatrist to let her know how the new medicine dosage is treating me on the second day of the fair.... which just so happens to be right downtown as well. Safe to say that I would not only want to walk to it, but I'd probably get to it faster walking... as the traffic is the main annoyance for most of the people who have lived here for years. and last... but my favorite bit of news. NEW CELLDWELLER MUSIC! Yes that's always a good time for me. So that means beginning Sunday I will be listening to his albums in order until the new one arrives. And then this month is pretty much washed up... I don't really ever recall my July's being eventful. I think for most people it is their favorite and their busiest and the just have everything to do. And my "july" is October. Which still needs a bit of preparation. Need to talk to the bf about that. We've got slightly more than 3 months to prepare, and three months is the bare minimum for planning things.
Okay, Goodbye!
^_^
<B
Monday, July 6, 2015
Flames and fairies
Okay! I don't know how long it has been since I last posted but anyways!
PAST: this last week was admittedly kind of a lazy one I think. But a cool one nonetheless. Especially the finale of it! Sooo we went camping and all was pretty awesome! We got there and we set up, and made a fire, and I drank... I broke like all of the rules I had set in place for myself EXCEPT I did not have like any smores or candy! I could have gotten some taffy, (like the old man I am) but no! We went downtown and saw a couple of cute places, other than that it was kind of boring there. Our campsite was a rustic one, well, as rustic as you can get in a gay campground with quite a few other surrounding campers. Most of them were nice, a lot passed us by, but they probably weren't worth talking to in my opinion for doing that. Even some that I said hi to "loud enough to be heard even) just walked on by. Oh well lol. That made the times we talked to some other people just that much better! At one point I drew the attention, of a group of guys... they thought I was at a state of easiness due to my level of ... or lack of sobriety. Surprise guys, I have a really good handle on myself when drunk, the ONLY way there'ed be any other wise would be if I was blacked- or passed out. Flattering but awkward. Our first truly friendly and wonderful people that we met was a trio comprised of 2 lesbians and a gay guy... I am horrible with names but they were super, SUPER awesome people. They were very welcoming, and I felt like we were a part of their group even. I had quite a bit in common with the most outgoing too! Surprisingly. Just yeah. But that first night though... the party went on for many of the boys late into the early hours of 4:30 AM.... needless to say I couldn't sleep... I was anxious of sleeping outside, there was very loud partying, the bf was sawing logs. It should also be noted that I did actually get more "messed up" than anticipated. I was fine... stumbly but fine by the end of the night... I felt a little groggy in the morning sure, but that was an expectation to be had after everything... After all my poison of choice was 91.1 proof cinnamon flavored whisky. I favor whisky more than vodka. But yeah, I thought I'd shake it off, but the combination of it all, plus the added sinus pressure and dehydration that I usually wake up with really let me have it about an hour into the day. We went to big boy, and we left big boy immediately. I was sick. So when returned to base, I ate my pancakes, and eggs, and napped for about 45 minutes or an hour and I was just fine! Surprisingly, the 4th of July was more tame than the prior night. But before the night had concluded we met up with the earlier mention trio and played one of all of our favorite games, cards against humanity. We then saw our "neighbor" that's what this one guy called us when we were there! he was super friendly and not as catty as I assumed he might be at first. But he was hilarious and had this air about him that could probably comfort, or adjust to most anyone. It was really cool, there were some truly good people there! Whereas I'm not so sure if we would have gone to the more hyper younger place the dunes... where there would be so much estrogen it,d be like spending the night in a sorority house... gross. But anyways not only did he earlier trade some of my whisky for some of his tequila ( I swear Latin gay guys are just crazy). He later popped up and said he was going to swim... Now the pool was cool with naked after 11pm. I wanted to go in the pool but my confidence was lower than usual due to the influx of gay guys there. But he said he'd go with me!. He wasn't a creep about it, nor did he lead me there and just leave me on my own. even got the boyfriend to come in. a great night. Still recovering in certain ways... but yeah, I feel that that night I got the most out of it!
CURRENT: I am patching myself back up food wise and schedule wise, focus wise, etc. about to eat a snack, work on sound for 3 hours, take a break to clean and look at whatever, and then get on the computer for 3 hours and go to all of the secret shopper things and care of business.
FUTURE: sometime soon the new invader Zim comic will be released! and then next weekend I get to go to the pagan witches thingy and learn about their culture and hopefully find some people of like mind. The little that I've read and seen .. I size up with some of the beliefs. I do believe that there is a force... not necessarily a god, or gods for that matter. I like to believe in the idea of it being mother nature sometimes. I feel connected to the earth sometimes. That's the only way I can describe it to those who have never felt it. But maybe it's the coffee who knows.... But there are occasions... mainly in the fall that I get this air that penetrates every part of me and feel more alive than I do most of the year. anyways... I hope it goes well!
<B
PAST: this last week was admittedly kind of a lazy one I think. But a cool one nonetheless. Especially the finale of it! Sooo we went camping and all was pretty awesome! We got there and we set up, and made a fire, and I drank... I broke like all of the rules I had set in place for myself EXCEPT I did not have like any smores or candy! I could have gotten some taffy, (like the old man I am) but no! We went downtown and saw a couple of cute places, other than that it was kind of boring there. Our campsite was a rustic one, well, as rustic as you can get in a gay campground with quite a few other surrounding campers. Most of them were nice, a lot passed us by, but they probably weren't worth talking to in my opinion for doing that. Even some that I said hi to "loud enough to be heard even) just walked on by. Oh well lol. That made the times we talked to some other people just that much better! At one point I drew the attention, of a group of guys... they thought I was at a state of easiness due to my level of ... or lack of sobriety. Surprise guys, I have a really good handle on myself when drunk, the ONLY way there'ed be any other wise would be if I was blacked- or passed out. Flattering but awkward. Our first truly friendly and wonderful people that we met was a trio comprised of 2 lesbians and a gay guy... I am horrible with names but they were super, SUPER awesome people. They were very welcoming, and I felt like we were a part of their group even. I had quite a bit in common with the most outgoing too! Surprisingly. Just yeah. But that first night though... the party went on for many of the boys late into the early hours of 4:30 AM.... needless to say I couldn't sleep... I was anxious of sleeping outside, there was very loud partying, the bf was sawing logs. It should also be noted that I did actually get more "messed up" than anticipated. I was fine... stumbly but fine by the end of the night... I felt a little groggy in the morning sure, but that was an expectation to be had after everything... After all my poison of choice was 91.1 proof cinnamon flavored whisky. I favor whisky more than vodka. But yeah, I thought I'd shake it off, but the combination of it all, plus the added sinus pressure and dehydration that I usually wake up with really let me have it about an hour into the day. We went to big boy, and we left big boy immediately. I was sick. So when returned to base, I ate my pancakes, and eggs, and napped for about 45 minutes or an hour and I was just fine! Surprisingly, the 4th of July was more tame than the prior night. But before the night had concluded we met up with the earlier mention trio and played one of all of our favorite games, cards against humanity. We then saw our "neighbor" that's what this one guy called us when we were there! he was super friendly and not as catty as I assumed he might be at first. But he was hilarious and had this air about him that could probably comfort, or adjust to most anyone. It was really cool, there were some truly good people there! Whereas I'm not so sure if we would have gone to the more hyper younger place the dunes... where there would be so much estrogen it,d be like spending the night in a sorority house... gross. But anyways not only did he earlier trade some of my whisky for some of his tequila ( I swear Latin gay guys are just crazy). He later popped up and said he was going to swim... Now the pool was cool with naked after 11pm. I wanted to go in the pool but my confidence was lower than usual due to the influx of gay guys there. But he said he'd go with me!. He wasn't a creep about it, nor did he lead me there and just leave me on my own. even got the boyfriend to come in. a great night. Still recovering in certain ways... but yeah, I feel that that night I got the most out of it!
CURRENT: I am patching myself back up food wise and schedule wise, focus wise, etc. about to eat a snack, work on sound for 3 hours, take a break to clean and look at whatever, and then get on the computer for 3 hours and go to all of the secret shopper things and care of business.
FUTURE: sometime soon the new invader Zim comic will be released! and then next weekend I get to go to the pagan witches thingy and learn about their culture and hopefully find some people of like mind. The little that I've read and seen .. I size up with some of the beliefs. I do believe that there is a force... not necessarily a god, or gods for that matter. I like to believe in the idea of it being mother nature sometimes. I feel connected to the earth sometimes. That's the only way I can describe it to those who have never felt it. But maybe it's the coffee who knows.... But there are occasions... mainly in the fall that I get this air that penetrates every part of me and feel more alive than I do most of the year. anyways... I hope it goes well!
<B
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Clicks and pops
Today has been productive, and I'm trying to squeeze the very last juice into doing the needs I need and want to do. That's why these blog things will probably happen only like 4th day I think. Just so that I can allow myself more time to do everything hopefully, and the only real reason I am (kind of set back is: I'll explain in a minute.
PAST: Went to the counselor yesterday that seemed kinda rushed to be honest. Oh well. I really like walking places, but it does eat up a lot of time. So maybe I won't? I don't know lol. We did decide that I need to try and figure out how to keep myself engaged in my projects. Rather than saying that I have a ton of projects that I have never finished.
CURRENT: Bring us to today, where I woke up.... way too early and could not get back to sleep. This morning (after my first coffee in 2 weeks) I was doing my exercises very smoothly. I wrote down a ton of lists for about a solid hour and a half. They included the things that are utmost importance to me. They are goals, and plans and pretty specific ones at that. Today was eaten up a little bit by the fact that I did two time consuming things. One, I walked to get my hair cut... 2 I still needed to arrange and add files to my comp and back up all of the files on my external hard drive. Which... I just remembered I have to do. As well as still delete a couple of things I do not really use anymore. But this was one my agenda for today, and it is fairly fast, and I'll be able to knock this and a couple others off fairly easy. So that's where this is coming from. As a side note I have to mention that it felt such like early fall today, the grey but not raining weather, the air just cool enough to wear a light jacket if you wanted to. Awesome. BTW FULL MOON TONIGHT!!!
FUTURE: Tomorrow I will finish what ever I happened to not reach. Which will be like half to a quarter of the things. I mean I have options. It's really a matter of what I want. I would like to devote way more time to these, about 3 hours for one and at least one hour for the other. Or I could try and level with myself and only do an hour of each. I have come up with better composed ideas on how to accomplish my projects. Their not 100% solid. But that's still better I feel. The three main projects are kind of lined up and rationed out in order of importance. So, the sound stuff I should be doing to some degree (I'd like to do at least 3 hours a day) every day, I'm going to try and work on the grim spectrum a bit more. That would be the book or story rather that I started writing last year... So, we'll see how that goes... I plan on doing something that might help to motivate, and or encourage me to progress with it. Like posting pages of it on instagram or places where I can get some constructive criticism. I mean I personally think that the story and the characters are very dynamic in their own ways. I essentially have the whole story in my mind and how it will end etc. But it's the dialogue, and pacing that is a bit taxing. BUT taxing is good it shows heart. I have to make sure that I can keep the train rolling, because as I will always state. bipolar makes it hard sometimes to just function on a basic level, let alone thinking and working consistently. But hey, there are so many people doing great things out there with physical impairments, and mental challenges that surpass my own. Does that make my burden any less? No. But what it does is it gives me hope that I can move past the clouds over head and ascend... not like in... a religious sense. That's another thing I have to make sure that I write out is, a list of accomplishments dating all the way back to as far as I can remember. This should help greatly. Also writing a list of things that I would tell someone else as well as things I am constantly telling myself for advice.And of course I'd look up quotes from my favorite artists. Because a lot of them had to overcome things to reach the levels they are at now. It takes awhile, and for some people, they have the right connections, or the market themselves flawlessly, or are just utterly gifted. I am none of the above but I am persistent. I just need to try and figure out how to speed up my recoil time (or bounce back time whatever you want to call it). Because if I truly care about something or someone I try and come back... I try things 3 times, if it doesn't work out in that point in time I might give it another three more chances after 3 or more years. In the past I have left huge gaps between things stopped and started... and doubted and over thought leaving room for doubt to seep in. Sometimes you have to just make a decision and stand by it until it doesn';t work, and then you try something else. I know many of my artists that I look up to have failed many a time before reaching their current status. Persistence is a good trait to have. I also read that if you don't take risks (especially on an unconventional path) you might just miss out and stay put... I need to keep remembering that when I decided to move out here... It was with a house of complete strangers about 17 miles away from home... I was terrified. But it turned out that I'd be fine and that years later I'd be far better off than if I would have stayed back with my parents. Off subject though. All I know is that music has been the most constant and consistent part of my life. It's always been there, expanding my library, my tastes, the things that I recognize and question about not only the music but how and why the artist has done certain things. I'm noticing now more than ever details that I have never really looked at... I was hearing the music and not listening with the same attention I now give it. I've nearly always been able to hear a singer and or a voice and be able to tell the vocalist, even if I've never heard the song before.
Okay, gotta get back to the other things but I guess that I needed this SUPER reflective entry.
oh... I didn't even mention camping... Really quick - Everything is in place, I have set up "the rules" for myself that will help me to feel better and be a lot happier . Such as what I eat and when I will go to bed and that the exercise of choice will be walking. It's better than nothing so I'll take it!
BIG NEWS POSITIVE VIBESSS! STAY TUNED FOR POSSIBLE AWESOME NEWS!
PAST: Went to the counselor yesterday that seemed kinda rushed to be honest. Oh well. I really like walking places, but it does eat up a lot of time. So maybe I won't? I don't know lol. We did decide that I need to try and figure out how to keep myself engaged in my projects. Rather than saying that I have a ton of projects that I have never finished.
CURRENT: Bring us to today, where I woke up.... way too early and could not get back to sleep. This morning (after my first coffee in 2 weeks) I was doing my exercises very smoothly. I wrote down a ton of lists for about a solid hour and a half. They included the things that are utmost importance to me. They are goals, and plans and pretty specific ones at that. Today was eaten up a little bit by the fact that I did two time consuming things. One, I walked to get my hair cut... 2 I still needed to arrange and add files to my comp and back up all of the files on my external hard drive. Which... I just remembered I have to do. As well as still delete a couple of things I do not really use anymore. But this was one my agenda for today, and it is fairly fast, and I'll be able to knock this and a couple others off fairly easy. So that's where this is coming from. As a side note I have to mention that it felt such like early fall today, the grey but not raining weather, the air just cool enough to wear a light jacket if you wanted to. Awesome. BTW FULL MOON TONIGHT!!!
FUTURE: Tomorrow I will finish what ever I happened to not reach. Which will be like half to a quarter of the things. I mean I have options. It's really a matter of what I want. I would like to devote way more time to these, about 3 hours for one and at least one hour for the other. Or I could try and level with myself and only do an hour of each. I have come up with better composed ideas on how to accomplish my projects. Their not 100% solid. But that's still better I feel. The three main projects are kind of lined up and rationed out in order of importance. So, the sound stuff I should be doing to some degree (I'd like to do at least 3 hours a day) every day, I'm going to try and work on the grim spectrum a bit more. That would be the book or story rather that I started writing last year... So, we'll see how that goes... I plan on doing something that might help to motivate, and or encourage me to progress with it. Like posting pages of it on instagram or places where I can get some constructive criticism. I mean I personally think that the story and the characters are very dynamic in their own ways. I essentially have the whole story in my mind and how it will end etc. But it's the dialogue, and pacing that is a bit taxing. BUT taxing is good it shows heart. I have to make sure that I can keep the train rolling, because as I will always state. bipolar makes it hard sometimes to just function on a basic level, let alone thinking and working consistently. But hey, there are so many people doing great things out there with physical impairments, and mental challenges that surpass my own. Does that make my burden any less? No. But what it does is it gives me hope that I can move past the clouds over head and ascend... not like in... a religious sense. That's another thing I have to make sure that I write out is, a list of accomplishments dating all the way back to as far as I can remember. This should help greatly. Also writing a list of things that I would tell someone else as well as things I am constantly telling myself for advice.And of course I'd look up quotes from my favorite artists. Because a lot of them had to overcome things to reach the levels they are at now. It takes awhile, and for some people, they have the right connections, or the market themselves flawlessly, or are just utterly gifted. I am none of the above but I am persistent. I just need to try and figure out how to speed up my recoil time (or bounce back time whatever you want to call it). Because if I truly care about something or someone I try and come back... I try things 3 times, if it doesn't work out in that point in time I might give it another three more chances after 3 or more years. In the past I have left huge gaps between things stopped and started... and doubted and over thought leaving room for doubt to seep in. Sometimes you have to just make a decision and stand by it until it doesn';t work, and then you try something else. I know many of my artists that I look up to have failed many a time before reaching their current status. Persistence is a good trait to have. I also read that if you don't take risks (especially on an unconventional path) you might just miss out and stay put... I need to keep remembering that when I decided to move out here... It was with a house of complete strangers about 17 miles away from home... I was terrified. But it turned out that I'd be fine and that years later I'd be far better off than if I would have stayed back with my parents. Off subject though. All I know is that music has been the most constant and consistent part of my life. It's always been there, expanding my library, my tastes, the things that I recognize and question about not only the music but how and why the artist has done certain things. I'm noticing now more than ever details that I have never really looked at... I was hearing the music and not listening with the same attention I now give it. I've nearly always been able to hear a singer and or a voice and be able to tell the vocalist, even if I've never heard the song before.
Okay, gotta get back to the other things but I guess that I needed this SUPER reflective entry.
oh... I didn't even mention camping... Really quick - Everything is in place, I have set up "the rules" for myself that will help me to feel better and be a lot happier . Such as what I eat and when I will go to bed and that the exercise of choice will be walking. It's better than nothing so I'll take it!
BIG NEWS POSITIVE VIBESSS! STAY TUNED FOR POSSIBLE AWESOME NEWS!
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