Rusted

No, not the most uplifting title. November's color is Brown!!!

Again, another stinging eye.... whatevs.

It's Halloween... it's Halloween... The big H, Samhain, the day of ghosts... Am I over it? Did it really come to me this year?... I'm liable to say no... I don't think so. This whole month.. has come and gone, like a ghost story... sad. but... I don't know... I feel like I'm okay with it in a way. Each year... I feel a little less enamored. I feel that this year it is in part due to my eye, and the high, HIGH expectations I have . Most of my creativity is bleeding into where it should be: my arts. Perhaps I am reaching my newest stage.

I find I'm practical in many ways now. Which is good. But the little boy in me who wants the useless toy gets a little angry sometimes ;p. I'll never let that kid go.. he's really cool. I want to maintain all the me I can be. I've been hearing that time and again... not only from my counseling group.. but from my music teacher. Finding people as passionate for music as I am... well that's very very important. I've not had friends yet who are. It's gotten me through many a hard time... I'm pretty accurate naming artists when I hear them... even if I havn't heard that particular song before. For the longest time... about a decade.. I've not been being me... or I've been desperately trying. All signs point to the path I am headed in. I'm going to go this route... I'm pretty stubborn... so, sooner or later I plan on nailing what I'm going for. You see the music I am trying to make... isn't really for stage performance.. or record release. No, I hope to do it for commercial use, and (after I have seasoned and learned more about the math of it all) scoring films. It's not meant to have lyrics. I think a lot of the people that I have shown my music to in the past... friends and such. didn't know what to say..

1. There are reasons I am awrae of yes... Some people just don't like talking about it... it might just not be their cup of tea.
2. It could have been bad, I'm just starting out anyway,
3. they aren't musicians/ don't have as much of a love for it as you do
4. I didnt and they didn't know what I wanted to do with it. Some friends wondered where the lyrics were... there are none... they are visual enhancements only. 

This is something I'm not 100% certain on. But, I do not believe many people pay too much attention to the music or sounds of a movie... kind of gets lost... I can't blame people for that... we live in an overtly visual and convenient world. I always thought music in films and such were really really cool.

I went back to 1998 and downloaded the Batman Beyond soundtrack.. VERY big deal for me hearing that theme song when I was little I never heard anything like it and wanted more... alas I didn't have the tools nor the thought process in order to achieve it. I do now... It's pretty great... Again, an old friend years ago let me hear a video game soundtrack that he had much passion for and I simply blew it off. I listened to that... I've been listening to it over and over... (Quake soundtracks) I find myself critiquing sounds and music appropriateness of songs... I now I'm not a professional but I still like to try and gauge... for instance I believe that the last resident evil films soundtrack... well that was garbage compared to others.

I feel that there is a legion of cult status innovators in the world I want to enter. The artists who lend their sounds to games, film, T.V. and more. They don't follow rules very well, and a lot of them didn't necessarily have musical backgrounds. They make what sounds good to them.. and the passion with which they do it comes through. One might say.. "If it'e made at a computer that you can't feel it". I disagree. You can usually understand if the persons interest was present in the creation...

Long story short... I'm tunneling into this stuff... I'm pulling what I can into me. I'm ready to talk with other music savvy folks. I want to learn about their stories... their  processes, advice... Musicians are generally open books. Slowly I'm networking :D

I like all types of music... For me- the make or break... are the vocalists... I think that's why I've been into instrumentals.. Music alone is universal... anyone can come up with their own stories, evoke their own feelings... but most of the time... for me: it's the singer who saves or slays my interest.

There's a lot of good music in the top 40 on the radio.. but also a lack of vocabulary, and a lot of copycats. <B

Me

Me

Phallis

hehe... intelligent dick joke

Motivation... lacking... struggle for motion... have to keep throwing self into whatever I feel that  need to do. Thaaaaaat's really about it as far as the present goes.

{Origins}---{Early teens}

Slowly I accrued who I was ... hit my "maturity" at 11.... that was interesting. I was oddly not a loner 11- 12 I was a part of a mixed lot.... that harassed me but in their own way respected me... it was weird... I had a lot of rage developing....It was kind of a cocoon period... I have many. It was due to events of domestic violence in the house hold that kind of shaped the direction I went in... By about mid- 12 I was finding comfort in darker things... although... I never truly BECAME interested in it... it drew and used me as a canvas then.. I made it known what I liked and what inspired me... Halloween, Movie monsters, Punk rock music, and a love of the arts. I became a bigger target- getting hammered with taunts about weight, hair, make-up, or being gay... I didn't even know I liked boys ... not a clue... never really questioned or spent much thought and worry on the same things that other kids did... they were trivial to me.... I always thought about projects I had... or how to avoid my father- that last one leaving me with constant gut wrenching feelings... I couldn't care about the butterflies of asking some girl to a dance.

Thirteen-ish I took to poetry- an escape that helped make me stand out! Aside from being that fat goth kid with the hair. Somewhere along this time I become of a part of a trio... Some other fans of rock music... confused and angry at the rest of the school... misunderstood... highly vulnerable. Then... suddenly I came across new faces.. mainly girls... many were like sisters to me... Most had crushes for me... I couldn't return the interest... only simply because I wasn't attracted- not due to gender but personality... eyes.. figures. We became great friends... better friends than the initial group I was apart of... they faded out. I spent much time with them... like all of the time... I had a handful of "girlfriends" they never lasted too too long... I was usually dumped.. cuz I was shy of making moves... I would awkwardly ask if I could... that is a turn off I get it now...  I learned how to kiss from my best friend at the time... people swore we could have been twins... she was really ditzy and amusing to me... I loved that girl... where did she go?

about 14/15 ish... I was being more social... more open about things... maybe too open? I met a new face... one that I was unsure of but turned out to be a great bond in the beginning. Her name was Leah... that happened in the most peculiar way... She approached me and started talking to me about music I think... and then she offered to drive me home... I went along with it and formed a really outstanding friendship. All of my friends were intermixed at this point. Most attended this disaster under the roof of a church.. So much drama lived here... as there usually is with anything involving ICP fans. SMH. When I realized I was getting fed up with there ever expanding issues and delusions I packed up... I came back sporadically ... I made one friend from there though... A very generous and caring young girl. talk about her later. By the end of 15 I was starting to realize.... I may not be fully into girls...(this made sense when I thought about how I kind of freaked out when I first saw lesbian porn.. it was SHOCKING... not in a hell yeah kind of way ... more like a WHERE'STHE BEEF?) kind of way) I still find women attractive... sexy even...

.. for the most part though I believe they are kind of grand illusionists... Make-up.... a veil of powders and chemicals... *shrugs* I used to do it.

I'm not even going to give an honorable mention to the multiple people that I had to live with ... and the uncertainty of knowing where I was staying...

there's that chunk in a nutshell. <B

progress and a origins part 2.

Oh, I can feel I'm growing better at this stuff... The music that is- for someone who has never really done anything with music. I've been in choir off and on all through out high school. I could have been a lot better had I pushed for it. Oh well I'm going for it now. But yeah... finding lots of cool people in my class a couple of seasoned guys- one in particular who has had stuff in Nissan and other car commercials. ^_^ Gotta talk to that guy. As I move along in it I get excited, confused, annoyed, enthralled, and discouraged all at the same time... different points but that's self explanatory. I've surprisingly been playing with more ambient and Violins. Odd. But yeah... I guess it's easier to bring together the different types of music if you learn or get a better understanding individually first sometimes... makes sense. I plan to carry through... I need to start being more decisive about things... indecision leads to standing still... there's a Movie that''s a perfect example called "Mr. Nobody" With Jared Leto. It is essentially all about choices and the lives we make by making them. You never know what's behind a door fully till you try it... I mean it worked for going back to school 3 months after I dropped out back in my senior year. I was very certain and goal oriented when I was younger despite all of the crappy things that were going on... I feel that maybe in their own way they fueled me to strive. I will make decisions within reason and deal with what consequences or rewards I earn as they come to me.

Right now I am taking a break from my practice to write this... I'm building my muscles to focus. I plan on using at least 70% of my day to practice. it's highly important... but... I'm not the most seasoned yet... it drains me and I have to take breaks.... I need to push though the "I don't feel like its" and the "I'll fuck things ups" They'll only stunt things - things I need to reach for. So I'm doing in taking in all I can see in do. Again I'm not where some of the people are in my class yet... professionals who have been doing this for years and are at it every waking moment... or in the case of many... every sleepless moment. Not there quite yet... But it will eventually be the case... and Ill be living off of coffee, and energy bars... I exercise religiously every day... now! If I can apply that to every thing... I'll be on my way.

[Origins before 10]

I'll try and make this brief...

Most of this time was again spent alone... uncomfortable... I stayed the course I was on all along of music and imagination.

I learned my father was not to be trusted and that I had seen inconsistencies with the actions and words of many Christians... I've never liked people with God shields. Yes believe in what you believe in but don't shed the parts that damn you and hold on to those that damn others... It's like those who point a hateful finger at gay people... have done and or... are doing something far worse in secrecy.

I found for sure that I was an outcast around 9 maybe 10... What I wore wasn't "in" who knew that shirts with dragons and other various monsters weren't trending. Whatever... there were not very many days where it wasn't pointed out that I was fat...

T.V: Sabrina the teenage witch. Boy meets world. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Crow television series

Music: Limp Bizkit, korn, Slipknot. (around ten years old... I don't remember too much.

<B

Title

My birthday.. it was a good one but I felt out of it... nothing much has been stirring me... I feel my boyfriends love... I feel a vague sense of life... not sure if it's the weight I gained... or... if I'm having one of my moments where nothing seems to satisfy... I'm prone to impulse currently... I want to buy this, or eat that, or whatever to fill me... Again  feel his love...

I usually feel a sense of ... empty when it turns cold... I hardly cry anymore... but I sometimes wish for that rather than not having the ability to... I used to cry all the time.... Stronger? No, just numb with a nagging feeling like I should be shedding tears. Bipolar isn't a joke... nor is it a definition of someone... But it can be quite the adversary... a mechanical bull... I... just ... I hope that I can have magic one day... My world ... it's getting punctured by reality.. I went from being very talented and original.... to pining to be original and remotely talented... I used to have plans and follow through... now I have fear.. doubt... more than I ever have... as a result I often come off as jaded or hateful of many aspects of humanity. ... I stick in my head awhile... thinking about how people work... and how I work and how I could possibly relate... there's not much.... I also try and catch myself by saying hey... a lot of your favorite things were shut down multiple times before finding their bearings Bry.... Sometimes that's enough.

The grey skies match how I feel... uncertain... cold and empty... accepting the incoming ice to come....

I applaud that I just cleaned a little bit... and that I'm writing this though... good job... I've pushed it really hard... was just going to go to bed already... that's all I've been wanting is to sleep and eat... I don't want to get back on that train.... I just got off it for a really good while. But even when I am at my favorite physique ... it doesn't matter... everything doesn't clear up...The blow of all the things I feel though becomes lighter.... so that's something. My brain is triggering thoughts that are telling me how good self defeat might taste... telling me to eat wrong... to sleep after and a sleep all day because I "messed up" Nope... I'll never forgive my father... he gave me too many issues that have lasted too long...

I'm sure people have felt like failures before they've begun.... I'm trying to keep my head above water....

Origins (before 5)

Reflections. A little bit of back history In case I forget... But I have a good long term memory... I remember things that are trivial to most. Yeah.

I don't remember too much before this... I remember being alone mainly. I guess I never really broke that habit. I had one friend though... and we did EVERYTHING together. He was my first exploration into sexuality. I know how sick that sounds. But really if you look it up- it's quite common... kids are curious... and even more so in broken homes in broken cities... T.V. acted my 3rd parent. I took all that it had to offer me. I took in odd aspects. I took in associations with villainy at a young age. I always wanted to be the villain... Even then I felt that something was off or missing... a lack of energy even at that age. I sensed a disconnect with the other children... I cried when left in kindergarten... I tried immediately if I remember to leave. With good reason I'd discover later...

 I''ll brush over the three main points of school. Racism... I was picked on for being white... When I stood my ground... when I unknowingly called a kid back what they called me (The N word) I was chastised severely due to majority of the staff being of african descent. It's how children work you know? They don't think twice before redirecting words... even if they don't know what it means. Lastly, I learned to keep silent... I learned that most of my words were... wrong? The teachers were prejudice too.

Outside life was comprised of roaming around town... and hanging out with a girl that I had thought was my Topanga... I was a wild child around her I guess. Unkempt. The T.V. taught me about adult stuff... and I ... assuming that it would be know different shared with her what I had with my friend... geesh a little pervert indeed. I got sent home away from her for a week. When I returned I apologized and said "it's okay...  You're aunts the one who is fat and mean (or a bi***... I don't recall fully but I did say fat..) she told again and I think I was not to go over there again.

I spent most of my time in my room as a result of these events... I watched T.V., I over ate... and played with strings pretending I had magical powers and I would save the city. But I didn't fully choose to be a loner... when I was at home I'd usually be sent to my room to play with toys.. so my dad could either watch adult things... or attend to his "herbs"... You don't do that... you send the kids outside to play. Sending your kid to their room always implies wrong doing or trouble... if only just in subconscious thought.

But then I took on a new space.. The basement.... It's here my old soul wold first present itself... Here, I would eat my dinner, here, I would read, and listen to classical music. I was able to identify I knew when Beethoven's Fifth Symphony was playing in a movie... Not By composer or title but by Sound.

Halloween was always a staple for me....

T.V. Shows : Spider- Man, Creepy Crawlers, Bump in the night, freakazoid, Sonic the hedgehod, and Reboot.

Music: The Blur- Song 2 and Torn By Natalie Imbruglia .

Torn was the first song that struck a chord with me... I felt it... I understood it in and odd way... The lyric "I'm all out of faith" ...

<B

Dear DIEary

Love a horrible pun ^_^

Last weekend- with the kids- was... GREAT lol. The  one that could talk kept on saying how much fun she was having. I died on sugar and was resurrected only by my will till learn electronic music score.

_ZomBry_

that's about it really... that and practicing- testing new things- researching- listening- looking for the advice and stories of those I look up to. I've gotten significantly better all ready... very little acquired from my current music class but... I tend to learn things at my own rate... I learn far better through hands on trial and errors more than anything. My eyes glaze over the more I have to listen and not do. I'm getting the habit of practicing every day- it's becoming as vital as my work outs for me. I get fairly antsy if I don't do it or feel I have not made much progress. ..  but for the most part I get lost in it ! -My favorite part is more so sound design than music as I have no former experience composing. For never having played an instrument, for never knowing how to sight read etc. I read an article on a VERY prestigious composer by the name of Hans Zimmer. He admits to not knowing how to play instruments or how to read music for that matter... or at least in the beginning. yo pick up things... learn them by habit.

This week is your 25th Bry- but you're a zombie now so, alls you have to worry about is rotting really. I guess you might have to worry about eating the brains of your new friends boyfriend too.. no matter how much of a good idea it sounds like at the moment. Really though, I am not a fan of the aging process, majority aren't but I reserve my own special reasons. I feel that this is the first of many years that I am finally reaching for things that I want and need to get done... even when in apathy or melancholy I'm still crawling. But the fear is doesn't lie with the aging... that's inevitable. It's with the rush to catch up with myself and where I want to be for my age. I spent many years barricaded and stagnant. Now I'm just barricaded ;p. I often think about how I would feel about myself from a younger age. What I mean is How would I view me at age 8? A decade ago? Would they feel that I held true? Did I live up to what I believed to want. Ideas and concepts of self are always shifting.. always evolving with our bodies. Somehow though, I always know what and who I am to be.. When you're younger it's easier to let that be. When I knew various things about myself that I wanted ... still want. I knew I wanted nipple rings... check... I knew I wanted eye contacts- check. I knew I loved pale skin and petite bodies, tattoos, colored hair, and Halloween. To a degree my life has felt like one big day. that's why my long term memory is vast... many points in the past I can remember the most random of details, and how I felt during them. I've had feelings I always have ever since I can remember. Of course there are the many ailments that came with 24 for me.

But 25 is generally a good year I hear. I hear between the ages of 25 and 26 men are supposed to have fully developed brains. Which helps solidify most ideals, and concepts... or make them harder to shrug off, good and bad I guess. Organization is supposed to become better along with other executive functions. I have been feeling these things grow in myself. Adoration.

Last Paragraph.

this month escapes me... I love it... but it is fleeting. It doesn't feel like it normally does for me. Not in a bad sense.. not at all. Just a calm. I'm actually a little more entertained by Dia De Los Muertos - the Spanish variant of Halloween- celebrating the sweet shortness of life in vibrant color and togetherness just beautiful. this weekend is Halloweekends and a day with Mi Madre. Good stuff, and the next Maybe pumpkins with a friend. Then the art show. yup that's my Halloween. Oh and I might go to a nudist place again once more before fall is through.  I will get myself a couple of gifts... because I know what I want... probably some more music software, and a random nick knack.

October <B

Iratus Est Oculus

(Angry eye) Google translating latin has been a mini hobby now and again :D

Not the case - thankful... very... I only have a slight blur in my eye now... just slightly. *clap* Right now I"m killing time... till I have to go and talk about my eye some more lol. then talk about possible sleep acid re-flux...

Things have been kind of passing me up a little... I can't lie... maybe it's because I havn't been hanging outside as much as I'd like to be. I mean Fall IS here! But yeah, maybe it's just because I haven't done much in the spirit of it yet. this weekend kicks that off though- quick rectification. Loving the new counselor- we are both at the understanding that I'm not inherently depressed so much as I am self-defeating (at this point in time) He'll be there to help me learn and observe my interactions with people- especially other guys... keeping a good account should help my strong suits and weaknesses. I linger around the mirror. and when I have decided I don't like the view... I shift all emotions outward and I put the assumption in my head that people are thinking the negative things that I have created... let people think for themselves.. not to say that I'm not fully aware of what people are saying or doing... I am when faced directly.. heh but- even when I talk connect with a person I have this urge to end the conversation (before I "f**k it up"). The key we have pin pointed that I always keep brushing off ... the issue I need to focus on is not second guessing everything before I do it. Telling myself it's wrong before I've begun... I also need to focus on actions... not how I think I'm being seen or how people look... because I'm very catty cheerleader like that... If I find... *sigh* that if there is someone I find unattractive around me... that I want to repel.. I look at some with superior eyes, whereas others I look at like a wraith, a disfigured being watching in the shadows.

I need to just be.... easier said than done... when I get there.. who knows who, what, or where that'll lead me.

it's time to make some static <B

Monday's ashes

Are Tuesday's birthplace.

Today wasn't horrible per say. I work up with my eye feeling the best that it has in a week and it's held up really REALLY well, the doc even says that it is doing way better- though she wants to see me back on Thursday. Just a lot of running around other than that. Much like anytime though, I put my focus into one thing, and then when it's done... I'm done... spent and need a recoil. I was very socialable polite and stuff... but that light was working it's way down the candle stick as it did. Snuffed by the tender hour of about.... 3pm. I was ready to repell from the outside world into the dark recesses of what I call home. Dramatic. I love it though. And although it's finally here... The fall, My eye has not fully allowed me to enjoy it. Nor does the nagging fact of my absentee friends. Bleh. So, I thought I'd recount the day till the sun passes out.

It's not too painstakingly hard to tell someone about other plans, or if something is incompatible with your schedule. No matter, other things are coming up. No place that I can collect friends at but... I guess I'm the batman of the people I know. Except I don't have millions of disposable income, a butler, a mansion, or a badass suit and gadgets. Maybe for my birthday... when I like to pretend people care.

Gah...  trying to stay in the grey... not the black.. I keep dipping today...

It's not going to happen very easy... the friend thing Bry Bry... you don't go out at night... nowhere you particularly want to go... You like to hang out in coffee shops, and go for walks in woods, and randomly go to stores, not particularly to buy anything but to look and see what the world has to offer. Man, friends used to be a lot easier to come by... now it takes effort and shit... That candle burns down even quicker when I have to transfer the light I have to other people and ensnare them.. I can... it's just so taxing. Conflict of interest much? Well, I guess I can try to extend my fire . My methodology hasn't succeeded yet. Cheers <B

The Eyeronic story

Pain in my eye... the phrase never quite made sense to me till recent.

Im going to try and be chipper ... all Nick Fury and pirate jokes aside I've been doing well...Ish I went to the emergency room and back and forth between various eye docs all saying I have various things... None of which are concurrent with the others. One is iritis, one is keratitis, and the other is something like... hervetatitis? Idk... All  know is I now have an arsenal of 3 types of eye drops and a gel. One of the eye drops helps the pain immensely and dilates my pupil make it nice and big... so I look like I'm insane!!! Love it. So yeah, trying to piece myslf together for the month.. This couldn't have happened in a worse month... I mean... It started... at the dawn of October.... REALLY?!? poop. Well I see the eye doc again tomorrow. Total.. I've been in a doctor setting about... 12 hours in the past week give or take an hour. Another curiosity: I've been finding joy in some really odd stuff.. my focus has oddly been improving.. Aside from the pain... It might be more bothersome to me that it is pulling my attention from things and holding me back from getting things done.... I I sometimes have to keep the eye closed..... Okay- that's enough for now... tomorrow phase 3 let's hope we can get this nipped <B

P.S. Love how fall just happened on the last hospital visit on friday. Torrent winds dispatching bright orange and reds underneath the  grey sky... ^_^

Gabba Gabba gay (warning mentions [lots of] puking)

I love the RAMONES R.I.P all of you...

Oh mannnnn! So talk about my favorite movie monster (Frankenstein) I need to be patched up like every five seconds... That long awaited visit to the eye doctor... was unsuccessful. My eye started hurting in the middle of the day this time, which had never before happened on Wednesday.... Yesterday it hurt to move my eye and I was highly sensitive to light... So I took some Norco (on an empty stomach... ). This had messed me up in addition to my eye... I was all sorts of tilting and what not... let me tell you I can't remember the last time I've puked in public... But I did on the eye doctor bathroom floor... luckily  i did not get any on me... then I would have had to make that walk of shame and the cab driver might have not been too happy... eeep. I also puked 3 times in the mall bathroom, and almost missed my ride. When I got home, I took a nap hoping this would take away some of what ailed me... It made it worse somehow. So, the boyfriend mentioned (I'm assuming half kidding) that I go to the emergency room. We did just that and were there till slightly after 1 Am... It was so bad that I needed my guy to direct me around like ray charles. I had a rag pressed over my eyes... it nauseated me to see light. I tried to look for like one minute when entering the hospital... Apparently right upon entering the door I puked... And nearly on the security guard... That would have been a sroty, ... it still probably is lol. But the told me I have something called Iritis (Eye-ritis) It's essentially this infection.... But what it does, is it constricts a very specific part of the eye (the iris) It wasn't doing its job that's why my eye hurt in the light. So my night ended at about 2 after I ate a subway pizza- Hey! I Threw up everything I ate yesterday!

Today I get to go to the regular doc and mention my new issue as well as asking her if I have Sleep acid reflux for my dentist's knowledge. THEN I have to go get my new perscription which only has a name brand, so even with insurance it's $134... gross. Then tomorrow I have another eye doc follow up ... and then I see my dentist on tuesday... Is this an indication of what 25 is going to be for me? The docs were asking me all of these questions and again were pretty surprised at how healthy I am... It's like "hey, I play by the rules, leave me alone health issues". On the bright side, going to the other side of town allows me to pick up a comic I wanted to grab yesterday, I mean I'll be right there- so why not? Always gotta look up.

For instance it's pretty evident that I'm not going to be able to wear one of the most important aesthetics of my costume... which means some money was wasted.... But I didn't despair, this morning when I worked out I came up with other options that involved no eye make up of contacts. I'm not nearly as thrilled with them as the original but hey. One, I could just be a sort of indian. The other option does not compromise the husky concept. I could get a mask and either paint it.. or I could find a mask that is dog like. If i paint my own husky face- I can take some bright blue nylon mesh and attach it behind the eyes that way the eye idea is still there and I can see :D. I think I'm going with that one so far.

It seems as though the weather is slowly starting to stick. Already next weekend it will be time to make treats ^_^. So far I've got candy apples and cake pops as Ideas. I just made cake pops and I am really happy with how they turned out... I didn't coat them but they still turned out great. They were pumpkin candy corn. I'll have to play a =round with some other combination ideas before next weekend . This weekend is still up in the air... Hopefully some decorating that I need help with and the cider mill, maybe see my friend, she seems like she wants to? lol Have to wait and see. Well, time to get started lol! <B