14 is Falling

Black is December's color

Depressing Color I know... but it is the end of a year. The Color suits it.

Thanksgiving went well.

I ate the most admittedly, I almost puked XD.

the and of this semester beckons as well as the end of my group therapy.

Yet, past mentioned possibilities await.

It's been the best year for me in many away, and I look forward for what's next.

cheers. <B

mystery doors

Scary or fun?

How about both. lately, I've been struggling... not necessarily depressed...
 Well, a little I suppose. but it's a weird manageable issue.

I kind of let myself slip into it. Like this: The fall was around... and to help " get myself excited" I ate crap food, candy etc. I did really good all year without out it... After that came the eye issue... not much to do but sleep eat and listen to music when your eye is in pain and ya can't see... and of course he cold weather/ lack of sun combo. I also fell off my medication for a week.

Last year I did really well, with my basic issues and SAD... it barely affected me at all! I'm banking on my medication being the primary repellent. But I've read up on several things. I'm going all the things I need to be doing to combat it. I'm sunlamping, working out, taking vitamins, antidepressants etc. What I'm not doing too much of though is eating right.

How we acquire our "winter coats" is because of an old survival instinct we have hard wired into us. I've read this and heard this severeal times now. Our bodies, crave starches and other comfort foods. Which gets many into an all too familiar groove... You'll feel bad about it... and do it again and sleep and do it all again and spike some heavy resentment. orrrrrrrrrrr this is common in SAD sufferers more so. I can't speak for all. But Yeah I've been having some DEEP stomach wrenching hungers that aren't even justifiable... and... as I have read... I have been craving the carbs... I'm not one to take all I'm given by the media... but when I do my own research and I see several connections and similarities in data... I store it.

Maybe my SAD has upped itself/? can't say. Feels like it may have.

So I'll follow the steps I have not tried yet, as far as getting a sun alarm. (that's the only real thing that I have not tried).

All I know, more so now than ever, is... I hope to leave to a snow free state in the next 5 years. I want nothing more to do with the extra ups and downs of mood do to weather... I already have my own troubles with that. It can only improve by moving.

But moving... especially out of state can be very scary. I'd want to with my Boyfriend of course... I mean every one, everything I know is here.

I've been reading up on people with SAD and their moving experiences... many found it highly beneficial when they had fled. I read about how one woman did the opposite and moved from California to Michigan.... she said she got slammed with a bad case of it. It's not the Holidays that bother me. I adore them... it's the mental/emotional pandora's box that opens when the fall comes...

I'm truly losing my thirst for fall because of this...

Again when the time comes... I know I'll cry and feel really displaced for a little bit... and that was just switching cities....but somehow... with my ample curiosity I think it'll be better. <B

Level up

2015 goals. (the first half is key)

1. Work with the radio station.
2. Self publish a book of poetry.
3. Learn to drive
4. Join a group of some sort.
5. Get certificate.
6. Figure out next chapter for life.
7. work for Halloween event.
8. get first song  used, and of published.
9. 3 songs a month.
10. Choose (make decisions and stick by them)

THX

A list of things I am thankful for :D

1. My eye being healed.
2. Being a man 
3. My boyfriend.
4. Being American.
5. Music.
6. School
7. Counseling.
8. Food
9. Shelter
10. Humor

patch work

After my class yesterday... or during rather- either or. I talked over a very present feeling I have been tossing around in my head about the music.

I've expressed my sometimes apathetic feeling about trying... and that I repeatedly challenge those doubts with statements like:


Sure, you can't lose if you don't try... but you also can't go anyway...

So many things that music requires also apply to musicianship. It's an eye opener. Music, especially for a complete newcomer needs practice... practice takes patience, and patience is acquired through discipline. I keep getting more and more. Feeling that things are running in a a great big circle. That a lot of what I am uncovering is very relevant to each other.

Back to my talk with my instructor. He basically reaffirmed all that I just said.

I've been opening my ears to so much more music and finding things I probably would not have listened to in the past. Lately a lot of what I've been listening to is pretty mellow... or- not what I would expect I'd be listening to a year ago.

This music is great... it's giving me feelings... I can't express.. it's been years since music has evoked deep feelings... Yeah, sure, I'd have many rebel anthems, and songs of standing back up cued on my mp3 player... but not too much that made me think and made me feel a deep sincerity.

One goal I have in what ever my musical endeavors turns out be that I can reach people and do for them what my influences have done for me. I want to reach out and be involved with them.. My instructor stressed the importance of community yesterday as well.. on how it helps you to keep learning, helps them to learn, and ultimately networks you and helps you do better.

I'm very lucky I have a supportive boyfriend behind me in this. Perhaps with the coming days, I'll have made some friends that are similar in that regard. perhaps some friends with music interest in my classes.

But digging further into where I want to be... rather than further into myself ... oh... it's scary but feels..right.  I can't wait to try my hand at the radio station of my school. and see what I do. I was thinking of calling my hour Ecclectica (an hour of difference.)

The thought is to use this time as experience with the equipment, getting some music people might not know about into their ears, and being a little self-promotional. I would largely start it out by playing the music I listen to, all of the genres. I would try and play about 1 or 2 known songs for every song of mine. That way people might be more inclined to stay and investigate. As for the self promotion, I think it'd be really cool to kind of wedge some of my stuff in as filler or background when I talk (if I do). I'm constantly trying to connect people to music when I can so this might be a VERY great way of doing so.

Sounds ambitious... ^_^

I also think that it is really cool what my final project will be for my art appreciation class. I'm going to make a poem and a song... They will be related... I'm going to probably make the song first and then right a poem based off of that or vice versa. So- hopefully what should be something fun for the rest of the class. considering I only talk to one person in it  and most others will be drawing or painting.

RANDOM RANT 2: THE SHORTS OF IT.

People... especially of my age group.. I politely inquire... Why are you wearing shorts in this subarctic weather? Why are your coats gently collecting dust on the rack? I see you fine, and oblivious from the slit in my ski mask, 3 layers of jacket , and mittens... is it because warm doesn't look cute? Do you suffer for the aesthetic? Hmmmm you're probably not from here... we do live in Ann Arbor.... <B

Woop Dairy is!!!!

 I've been entertaining myself with that this morning. Picturing some doctor responding "Whoop dairy is!" after his patient saying that dairy is a little confusing. He's also doing the whole raising the roof thing with his hands. This has not been something I've had happen or even seen on T.V.... just from my brain.

For the overall good I'm going to limit these to writing for a half hour again.




_-2014-_

Goods:

1. I went back to vegetarianism
2. My guy and I made it our first year <3
3. went to the rock and roll hall of fame.
4. I did my first 5k
5. I went to my first nudist place.
6. I did some other things I wouldn't have normally done.. did. and happy I have.
7. went to chicago
8. Started music classes
9. Had my first small publishing and open mic night. 
10. Moved into a great place!

pains:

1. I caught a flu at the beginning of the year (I rarely get sick so I wuss out when it happens)
2. Wisdom tooth extraction
3. new piercing ;p
4. over 10 visits to the eye doctors due to a messed up eye.

I'd say the pros out weigh the cons

-[2015]-

I plan to be more proficient of course. 

1. I plan on getting rid of the little bit of excess weight I picked back up. 
2. teaching discipline in other places than food especially music.
3. trying out hosting an hour on my school's radio station.
4. Self-publishing the stuff I have and getting more involved with the poetry scene out here.
5. keeping strong organization
6. getting that drivers license that my eye has kept me from working on.
7. going to other groups, trying out going to the dungeons and dragons night at vault
8. producing stuff more frequently in the way of music- 
9. Putting up profiles on sites only for the music.
10. & others

<B

Here comes the sun (lamp)

Beatles references...oy vey

I sit here briefly to just scatter some thoughts... give a thought cleanse if you will...That's what journals are anyways.

LET'S DOOOO THISSSSSSS AH! 

My eye... if not fully recovered feels almost perfect... omg please pleASE PLEASE let's keep it this way!

Today will be my first day back to school and so I'll have to arrange all of that snazz. I also have to finagle my school sched for winter- have to ask some questions to various parts of school etc. I'm super grateful because... eye pain is HORRENDOUS... I never really thought about it ... I mean you can't see which is frustrating... and you can't focus that well because of the pain digging into the front of your face... getting anything accomplished felt like a feat. I didn't even work on music much... I worked on tunes.. and individual pieces for songs... but not on a song specifically anyways... ( a topic jumping Bry is a happy Bry) This weekend was good and weird all at once I'll explain.

In short, bi-polar aside, I am susceptible to S.A.D. (Seasonal Affect Disorder ). Double whammy. But I'm counter acting everything in the best ways I can. S.A.D. is brought on largely by a lack of sun... which. without the sun it's harder for one to have as much Vitamin D... Vitamin affects mood. So, for the last year I've been taking it, all year, and in the winter I use my sunlamp every morning.. Sometimes more if needed. Seems to help. Again I jumped topic. The weekend was weird because I can feel the shifting of seasons... there is a distinct feel of desolation I gather in the specific months of November and January. But that's not all bad... I can pretend I'm on a baron ice planet with flickers of hope. ;p. which is what Michigan becomes in the winter anyways hahaha.

December is great though... I'm thoroughly starting to enjoy christmas more... mainly due to the festiveness of it and the unity it signifies... And like Halloween it has many interpretations,... I guess all holidays do. It also has several color variants... I mean you could go... gold, green, red,... or... Candy cane- red, white, and silvers (My secong favorite) or my Favorite- which could be seen as the depressing version.. I love the Icy look of blue, silver, and white... It's the black sheep of them all. 

ALSO as I am now obsessed with time and more electronic music... New years is becoming way cooler... I mean it's the fall a year giving way to a new one... I like to pretend that this is the precursor to that desolate ice planet I mentioned earlier... full of celebration before the dawn. Apocalyptic. 

I got a little head start on 2015 anyways. But I think I'll write about the end of this year and what is to come next time. For now I'll just leave a couple random thoughts... I want to share on: CARS & STICKERS.

I'll try to be quick and precise. Why?! it's your car, yes... but it's an eye sore.. you like michigan? great no one needs to know. you're pro life? wow, no one cares... Oh, you're a republican, and the parent of an honor student??? *sigh* Maybe it's my ocd about wanting a car to look nice. I don't know... It kind of just makes me think of when little kids put stickers all over everything... but in all fairness I am well aware it's all about preference... the stickers drive me mad. I'm positive tattoos draw the same thoughts from others. I mean com' on I have an eye "on the back of my head" ...pffft what a douche bag XD

<B

Youth In Asia

now, say as one word. (Euthanasia)

been an interesting week... Two weeks? idk. So, holding on in vain last week... getting a couple ounces of sleep... I managed to become in severe pain... so much so that I became physically sick and was barfing... AGAIN!!! man... So, one really unscheduled trip to see the nicest eye doc ever and we removed the bandage contact... The net day I did in fact have the eye surgery... they scraped off the surface of my cornea so that it could grow back  anew. Then they put on a new contact... It's been getting progressively better... Today I am supposed to go in get it looked at... well, more so an hour from now :D. I actually like going to the doctor... maybe it's because I don't normally have to visit.

Other than that I've been kind of a recluse... only for the sake of my eye... keeping it from the light and anything that would strain it worse than it already was.

um... that's all... I set 3 more classes for myself next semester... debating a fourth which would make me a full time student at that point. I might just do that.

But for now... just trying to prepare in many ways for 2015. less than 50 days from now already.

I've got some ideas up my sleeve about strengthening discipline yadda yadda... I feel that dscipline teaches you to enjoy more... that when you finally do get something... it's far more impressive in it's own special way... that and when I m not "in focus" I have a nagging feeling that something is amiss.

I finished my first song... the first of many that I completed made from scratch... no loops and anything pre made .

Take a listen

It's called Blaspheme <B

Bandage Contacts

It's a shield, it's cock-block to my eye issue, it's... a bandage contact...

Yes my ailment has a name... it is called Recurring Corneal erosion syndrome... Basically I had some wear and tear at some point on my eye... not healing very well... my eyelid will stick to the recovering cells and pull it back open causing my body to jolt as I violently awake... All of this is quite literal by the way. All I can do when faced with this for now is use teardrops... and patiently wait for the pain to calm down (it doesn't fully subside). I am awake this late (10:40 pm) because I don't want to sleep... it is that painful... been to the eye docs twice this week already and have to go back friday... blegh. Anyway... said  bandage contact works as a go between... it is a temporary sheild in hopes that my eye might correct itself . Thus far... it is helping... but there is still some significant irritation ... I've been wanting to punch things... obliterate them. my eye is being angry right now... it does now like the computer light so much...but what am I to do? ... things are ver limited when you have certain afflictions... 

Friday... if things aren't at a better state a new direction has been discussed... 

Scraping 

They will scrape of the damaged layer of the cornea and that is believed to be a lot better than trying to repair a damaged one. 

Other than that I have just been... nursing it really... I didn't do Halloween largely because of it... I've been eating a little out of line... because it's easy to do in this state... so when I get through it I'll have some serious shape to regain... not that I'm like obese all of a sudden. just not where I want to be again... bu I'm okay with it... I know why I am and have a plan to follow through after. My art teacher has been more than understanding ... random side note.... this makes me sooo happy. so... yeah... just kind of... living... kind of doing... stuff... not training to drive like I should be... My understanding is that if you have eye issues... stay off of the road... min is in pain... and I can;t read the largest letters on one of the eye charts through my right eye.

The suspected culprit for my agony is something a bit self-induced. Its believed that some non- prescription contacts are to blame... 

Bullocks 

I've always wantd them and I really believe that they tie aesthetics together to their fullest potential. I.E. HAlloween Costumes... WHICH I might add... was a sad waste of money... especially the sephora part.. not being able to wear makeup and all. 

that's about it ... if you care to know more.. in better detail- 

This is the info from the place that I am actually getting help from:right here

P.S. I'm doing no shave November <B