Frosting train

WOOT WOOT!

It's been a week, I've been floating around here and there... not particularly doing anything. I have not heard back from the sex place lol. School has been good though lol. With the strange exception of a new potential friend that I cannot hang out with due to a jealous boyfriend? An excuse, or a jerk of a guy... I don't know really. Ummm I had my first publishing, and reading in the same week... needless to say I was like a cat in the rain.... (cats hate water, so  the image I have is that the cat is happy to be outside, but is really looking to get to safety.) It was good enough to get published but it was a small victory only in a school chapbook. I was reading and have published work that I saw as sub par.... that's it! I'm only going to use the "big guns" in the way of writing. People told me it was good and what not. I'm not discrediting what is good when I tell you. I'm not happy with it. In my opinion, all of my greatest inspiring artists will be pretty point blank about their art. these poems were not my best work... Only one of them was semi- thought provoking and inspiring. I want to give back to the people like myself out there. I want to find them and give them what the artists I adore have given me. Regardless of what I've eaten, what I've done, or haven't done yet- I need to be there for myself. I really need to start diving into the words (interviews and writings of) my artists... because they push me, and inspire me about as much... if not more to get my feet racing... I'm already moving at a sprint compared to years passed. This year has been great- it's not over yet but I am calculating what next year will be for me. If I do not have my poetry published twice more... I'll last aim for my own book being published... the final step will be the reach for self publishing.

Wow that was a lot heavier than I anticipated it to be! However, I do feel it to be uplifting so that's good.

Yeah, I'm anticipating on next year- but I'm trying hard to stop depending on tomorrow.

I had my dear friend at the poetry event... Which made me  very proud... I always thought she would be there should something like this finally happen. Thank you :).

So I've indulged in much frosting... Tsk tsk. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying I have a vigilant eye atm. Trying to live not entirely through my eyes, my head, or my heart... but all of them... it's hard not being over thoughtful, over feel, over aesthetic. [negative thought omitted] This week will be medicinal. Tomorrow I see the eye doctor, my counselor, and my support group. The following day, my regular doctor, and the day succeeding that I will be seeing the dentist. I've worked so hard to cement things this year both mentally physically and emotionally. So cheers to that- Stay with me there's on more paragraph.

Bry... BRY wake up! It's Autumn (though you'd not entirely know it) and tomorrow is your month!!!! HAIL HAIL! (felt right it was lyrics from a song I'm listening to) This weekend is the cider mill, then, treats with the midgets, then I'm another year older.

"Is this the year we get our rocket launcher arm attachment for our arm?"

"No... that's next year"

"Makes sense that's when I'll need it"

Who knows if there is anything before or in between crossing the fingers right now. I am going to start pushing myself into society (Necto monday mainly) I need to relinquish my fear and distrust of the world. I dart back in forth between  seeing trust as an opening in my the lightweight armor I wear.

You can't be throwing grenades if you want people to know you're a nice person . I can easily share myself with girls... but for the boys, my one man army is on a hair trigger.... Reconcile this Bry, somehow... reconcile <B

Working with Dix

Oh, grow up!

I can't I won't.. not at all. Today I pushed forth some effort in the form of an application. I think I impressed the boss. I used some humor, some smiles, and I typed up the printed filled out app. She was impressed by all of this even my field of study :). The catch is there will be so many dicks at this place... like for real.. I applied for a job at cirilla's (It's a sex shop)... Little ol me selling an array of dirty tools. muahaha. I'd have a fairly good insight I feel.. I've experimented in some weird things... 0.o and I've always been willing to share with those who have the ears to listen. I mean using fake blood, for "alone time" how many people can say they've done that... okay, how many people would admit to it if they had...? Then there's me... I'd have too much fun I'd want to know how all of the products worked! Gotta know your product inside and out right?!?!? XD PUNNNNNNN!
So, that's good.

Music is only getting better for me. I'm learning to rely on loops less. I'm making very simple tunes and the like but I'm still producing fairly cohesive sounds.. I've found I can do some really cool things... and the more I experiment the more, that I dig into it everyday... I get into a groove and it's like I'm a gamer.. a productive gamer- which is far more gratifying. My BF's friend had told him that he has a cousin or what not that is certified in HVAC and is having a hard time trying to find work. So.. This gives me greater hope... The combined forces of my interest for expansion, that little bi of knowledge and the fact the even Wallside Windows has some pretty heavy electronic beats in their commercials all help. I mean COME ON! I even heard crazy dubstep music on the commercial for the channel 2 news!

Health is interesting... both mental and physical.. I'm going to an optometrist, my regular doctor, the dentist, and probably a nutritionist and a couple of other specialists soon too possibly... I want to optimize both my body and it's energy. I've been following all I can get by word of doctor and self research... not buying into the gluten free hype.

I'm not popeye I don't eats me spinach. <B

0p3r8

I really should read the last blog I post before I catch up!

School is good... 

Halloween plans are closer to being finalized... I know that the Bf and I are about to go to the apple orchard next weekend. the weekend after that is the day with the midgets, (BF's niece and nephew) So we'll make some Halloween treats watch some inspiring movies, and head to Greenfield village. this Day will be as much for me as it will be for them. Weekend after that I am at age 25. I don't mind my age- no. What I do mind is the precious time that I have left and what I want to accomplish before that bell tolls. Anyway,s I'll be going out to Halloweekends for that...I might even go on the rides... I mean after all this season is one of, horror, wonder, and creativity. The haunted parts won't scare me lol. Ummm And We might be going to this art gallery thing which would also take care of the art trip I have to take for class and do a paper on. Our H-Day Decorations have also started to appear :D. 

Costume- the trial with the latex... a bit... of a failure... I ended up (despite every sense of danger I felt) tried to apply it over my eye... Careful as I was it still leaked into my eye... over the contact... My eye was (thankfully fine) but I had to get new contacts... Not knowing wha to do about the make-up I had to make my journey to Sephora yesterday to get some Make-up... $100 dollars later, mission accomplished. I got some new contacts coming in soon, which actually happened to look way better than the original. I still have to by a tight tech shirt to cover my mid section. this costume will be the most in depth I'll go costume wise for quite a while... I have spent at least $300 dollars on it... And for that I must work hard to make it look like $300! That being said, I am not wearing this particular costume around the small ones for fear of it getting ruined. I will be something that I already have components for. The working ideas are a ghost, Jack Frost, a scarecrow, A doll, clown, or a skeleton... Surprisingly (I have only been one of these before. 

I've been bobbing up and down from my personal attacking... I've not been tearing at myself just working on the much discussed fine tuning. I think I will Reconnect to some social media... Just put a narrow path on it as I originally had... Only use tumblr and others as outlets for whatever I feel. I would just have my blogs on tumblr but... I can't customize as freely and... Why would the people I attract by my creations and interests want to go through these? Well, I'm off to do no good. <B

dead skin

Okay, I said I'd be chipper. Fake- It- Till -yamakeit # bad muthafucka. But yeah this last weekend felt really good starting out with the said haunted garage sale. This was a gathering formed by a crew I never knew existed called the Motor City Haunt Club. After all this time scouting for other like beings... I found some gathered under one roof rejoicing in orange and black. There was a mixture of both purchased and custom made products. I got a couple of things. I got some mini figures of  Ash from Evil Dead, Chucky, and Sammy from Trick R Treat- he is my favorite! And, he like Ash, were the last available! Sammy is mainly my favorite because he the film he is from made him a very distinct face of Halloween for me...  He's menacing and adorable. I also got a Nosferatu poster- which is pretty great due to seeing that for my first time last year with a live organ being played in the background. The deathbird's song sings. Due to the weird feeling I've been having though... I didn't take from the experience what I should have... I was still highly guarded and even then couldn't make sense of it. But I least I've joined the group. ^_^

The birthday party for the BF's niece was really cute. I spoke to most everyone ... after some Angry orchard.. probably couldn't have done it otherwise. I ate so much... sugar and white bread lol. I'm not condemning myself for it though. good. This was a really great weekend.

Still pacing around my head on the right next steps to take... don't want to make a side-step on a narrow path by accident... likewise, I don' want to underestimate any heights I could fall from. that's all I'll say about that because I'm tired of talking about it... I have to deal with it. I'll do what I must.

the new Celldweller album is awesome (as expected) the lyrics to the song "Lost in Time" resonate EXACTLY with what I'm thinking about lately.

" A problem im not solving
Eternally revolving
I wandered from the pathway
Praying you will come to save me

I feel lost in time
but if I wait for direction my lifetime will pass me by
I feel lost in time
I think if live for forever this feeling will never die"  

<B

Quite possible...

Anything, as long as you put your mind to it right?

"Where there's a will there's a way"... "All you have to do is want something, and then let yourself have it!! okay, so that last one was the grandmother from Halloween town explaining spells- SO WHAT?!? Same principle. I'm at a power struggle I am, I am!

What is it now Bry?!?! Identity. I've had a very flimsy definition of self- for ... forever really. All I know is I classify myself as different... a bit eccentric.. confused.. immature... kinda responsible? Point that I'm attempting to make is... How does one strive for their own path when they don't really know whose path they are looking for... and I don't want to pull my disorder card (but I will). Bi-polar messes with consistency.. if you know me you know this. This might be one of the many reasons I plant myself so deep into Halloween... it's all I know I have... at the end of highschool... I never payed mind to what came next... things kinda slid down the hill. But I did have plans and things I oddly enough did... I feed on constructive criticism... I keep biting dry sources. I tried to watch a video about HVAC by the way... B-o-R-i-N-g Maybe it's cuz I'm hands on? idk... All I know is I want to make some good choices now... Isn't life all about trade offs really?

Eat that cake- it's delicious... but there's the guilt. Oooo a pleasant sugar buzz too but no good. Relating to my epiphany.. I can choose the one I would snooze over work for someone, Know my day almost everyday... be exhausted- that's my interpretation of HVAC.

It's finer points are the fact I'd have a set structure.. which I do well with. I'd get vacations, weekends off...  But then... I KNOW I'd always question what if about the music. I'm sure I'll do that in what ever direction I move but that's just how I am. Ponder...ponder...ponder. My  gut is broken of late... can't follow it.

When I dropped out of High school... I knew I was going back that same year and graduating.. I felt like I was making a terrible mistake and I almost cried that day... But! I stuck to my plan... I just barely got accepted (the final class I needed had a last slot open..) but I achieved it.. I did this with a care free attitude and when people seemed shocked or worried that I bailed for those few months telling me "Make sure you go back" or "hope you know what's best for you". I Didn't care... I had a plan... and also, I had free time. Maybe the over analyzing is what's keeping me at a stalemate...

Unfortunately, the way I learn a (mass) majority of the time is through crash and burn. I've been getting better about reconfiguration of things... short term... heh.. THIS is why going on a long journey for a degree would kill me.... I've very nearly used the aid allotted for the certificates... I can imagine the circles I run in dialing up my loans if I didn't have a roof I'll hit soon.

So, I think I just have to live... it seemed to work before. Easier said than done.  I mean could I be a writer? Is that even a valid option? ... random thought..

I've been dodgey of people due to being highly unsure of all of these things... which is sad cuz I want to show people how cool I can be. I keep meeting people who are gifted... or have their things... their talents... I... don't know what I'm good at... I have a tot's attention span... the soul of a jaded old man, the heart of a child, I'm pretty sure my brain is just this weird mixed media soup, and the curiosity of a cat. I have no clue what my calling is these things considered. I can write and kind of make music... But that's all I am really good at...

As much as I want to float and say that everything will meld.. like I did with school... My defenses are hair triggered. Maybe I should lay back... thinking about this all day everyday... trying to burn both ends of the candle... new blog soon.. more light-hearted... involving my membership to the motor city haunt club, the halloween garage sale, my new friend, and more <B

Such a tease

COME'ON!!! I'm already indecisive!

I woke up up today a little grumpy... let's just say it's appearance anger lol. Hey, it happens. Got a lot done within the last 7 hours. I did my exercising, and then I tore into it. I checked into craigslist and found a potential job at Wiard's as a monster for the haunted attraction "Horror Nights". Indecision strikes again... Something I want to taste...yet it cock blocks 2 of the things I've been after all year. Halloweekends.. and potentially the Halloween greenfield village with the kids... So, I'll weigh everything out and I'll just go through the motions. I'll go, I'll apply and see how flexible theey are, perhaps I can have my birthday weekend off? At least my birthday? We'll see I might only be able to make the weekends (excluding friday) anyways as the horror begins at 7:15pm. I don't drive, and the bf doesn't get home usually till about an hour before. 

I also found about about the haunted garage sale this weekend in Bellville... OMG! I can find some people who get me... good, great! ^_^ It seems like it organized by some people called the Motor City Haunt Club. Maybe I can join? So what's the biggest part of the day regarding said indecision? Well I was doing the research over the fields I could potentially study... Looking at my first pick, the Audio engineer, and the HVACR I saw something interesting... they are about on the same level of pay, and need. I took a look at something I never saw on my schools site. The information it gives is the percentage of students surveyed who said that they found jobs, and both were at 100% Engineering said that they found work within 180 days. HVACR said they found work within 100 days. Now... I'm a little skeptical of either move. Both seem to be on the same level. Both have the same potential for downfall. Oy Vey. <B

Uncle Anger Pancakes

mmmm pancakes

Wow... I don't even remember what I last talked about, I'm too lazy to look . OH! it's been like... saturday.. ish? Little has changed... a lot more self discovery as the norm for this year I'm pleased to say. 

Driving, I'm good at turning, I'm intimidated in some areas though. but otherwise I'm good, when I achieve this, the feat of being able to drive- I will have accomplished 95% percent of all goals this year. The other 5? I need a tooth guard to I don't grind my teeth away. On Monday... er... yesterday I had a really good and well needed conversation with my college adviser. Turns out there are some moth holes in the plan I had spun to attempt a couple of certificates simultaneously. Turns out for what I am looking for, I am only allotted so many credit hours... Most certificates range from 15 to 20 credits... I've done 37 and most of them were failed attempts at what I thought I wanted. So, I have about enough credits to fulfill one certificate... The specifics of that is a mystery but I'm going to study up. I might have mentioned at least one other route, Heating, ventilation, and cooling. Well, that is something I'm keeping as a prospect- front of the line in fact. But again, going to look into other fields. What I need from the work will be the following:

1. I feel I need to be behind the scenes, like a repair person- a specialist in the shadows... kinda like a reverse assassin. You know, fixing things instead of killing them? Bah, you're no fun.
2. This next one kind of ties into the first one. I want to be able to maintain myself and whatever fashion I so choose. if I want sleeves of tats so be it. 
3. I want something that will give me money of course. While I really wanted to do music there was/is no guarantee I would make it unlike a skilled trade.  

Now, I'm not throwing out the music aspect of things... it will still be a part of me as much as my writing... (which  I've been neglecting to learn more about music) but it will stay a hobby for a minute. You see the reason I want a job that can fulfill some fairly good income is that I have high hopes for going back and taking the classes for the music production by paying for it. That is, if I'm still into it- digging the idea whatever you wanna call it. I felt growth in the very instant of meeting... The words fell from my mouth with such ease admitting that I should steadfast to a trade,.. at least for awhile. - Of course, holding the fire of the dwindling aid beneath is assisting in my decisions. But Everything I said and thought converged. - Try later. 

Ohhh that's about it... I got a new hat today... tonight's a full moon, the air is very comforting, I've got a lovely caramel apple for devouring, Ummmm yes- food. Along with having a good amount of sleep. I've been trying o allow myself to indulge a little more. I've had a lot more energy and been happier. I mean I have my moments where I look at my tummy and I get paranoid... but for anyone who's ever known me... gut or not- I'll probably see one anyway... which I'm also going to address with a nutritionist! after all these years the root of many of my evils might be decoded. A LOT of my bad moods and what not have been due to my weight and self consciousness - Always talking about food (whether love or hate). So yeah, finally getting this in the open should really help me be more hospitable. 

Fall is fighting... it's calming down... I keep saying it... but I think it's close... Fall... Halloweekends opens this friday. Still need to find someone to tag along to cedar point for my B-day next month... I'll cross my fingers but my friend count went down again... not even because I was mean or anything... what a drag! I'm handling it fairly well though and that's all that matters. OH I met some cool people in my classes perhaps I can collect them?!?! ...oh that was creepy... REDO: Maybe I could be friends with them. (Much better) Both super nice... and one of them... oh man... one has a vicious sweet tooth too... peer pressure- I can feel it already. <B

Bowels

[fart noise]... I'm mature :D

Yesterday was really cool, Don't remember if I posted or no, let's go with not.... So, I saw a shit ton of my family yesterday. Saw mom, Saw my uncle which I haven't seen in 6 years, saw my grandpa which I haven't seen in 6 years. My uncle was really cool, I never really knew how to talk to him when I was younger, maybe I couldn't relate? I am not really sure but relationships of all kinds: family or friends are really important to me. Grandpa was really doing well it seemed in the nursing home, which was a very nice place. Sometimes it registered that I was his grandson all grown up, other times, he wasn't. Asked me if my mom or my dad was tall :/. He did however make a comment of self awareness admitting that he doesn't always have a grip on his thoughts. When on the subject of school I told him I was following music, surprisingly he said excellent... and he said it with enthusiasm! THAT was one of the most touching moments I've had with my grandfather... EVER! :D thank you Gramps.

Today was also the beginning of something new... I started drivers training.... Whoa man... I just got done with it in fact! The woman... was crazy.... GOOD. It was this big black lady and she was super funny and calm! I was doing so well, we both thought... a little rough on my braking, and distance between the cars ahead of me but other than that I'm good apparently. Today our main focus was on just getting the feel of the wheel. we basically just drove forward with the occasional turns and what not. Tomorrow... round two!

Now, for the rest of the day and future plans. Today I'm mainly going to be cleaning, tweaking my Halloween make-up, and internet window shopping. All signs point to this weekend kicking off the fall!... I'll be waiting <B

At the end of an empire..

^_^ Fangirling!!!

Well, due to preordering the new Celldweller album I just got the free download of the single from it!!! It's very different, more rock oriented than the last it seems... but with a name like End of an Empire... it's not gonna sound like a dance album.

This weekend was pretty F---- awesome. Didn't do too much but it was really nice. There was a lot of food involved as many other peoples. There was alcohol... last time I drank was...  a month and a half ago. So, my drinking isn't very prevalent. Ummm, I haven't used ketchup in about a week believe it or not... barely using condiments... using the hell out of deli mustard... which it like 1/3 as bad for me as ketchup. Got some caramel apples... new cologne shaped like a skull. FINALLY got some eye liner too, so I can now do more test runs for my husky make-up. After all, October is only a month away!!! Have you seen all of the displays and  the caramel apples... I saw an open orchard... Yes, it's true... And, since I check the weather religiously it says that this is the last week that will feel like summer. I just came...

Health wise this weekend has been good. I've been pretty alive and alert I feel... It could be the sugar I was ingesting or!... I bumped my wake time to 7am... Not only does that feel more natural for me... but I feel better throughout the day. I had a couple of dizzy spells ... but I don't know why... I ate everything all day for the entire weekend... I only drink water and plenty of it so... I'm not dehydrated. Odd. Today, I get to go to the best class I have ever taken so far! This is going to be pretty great. You need a little something everyday I feel to help push you along... Or I do I at least.. I need some positive things for my day to go well. I get excited about going, I come back all excited that I'm learning more. I've made some very wise decisions this weekend. I figure I'll go for one certificate at a time! Why not?? because first off, it'd be a little less confusing and that way I could be taking classes that interlock and I could easily get one certificate out of the way by going full time every semester. I have to fight to live beyond my upbringings. The one thing that I love... is I may quit for a minute or two... but I never stop thinking... and I'm persistent. I guess that's two heh. ALSO! I think I'm going to not go for the comic idea just yet... I think I'm going to work on writing the story see where that goes, if someone will publish it, or if I have to etc. So, I don't lose all of my other ideas I decided to just work on them all sporadically, as they all are some extension of me... some projects are bound to pull more from you than others... you'll never know unless you give them all fair chance rather than... no... just working on this.... I also feel this is how a lot of writers, musicians, and other people who put stuff out rather quickly do it... Is they were in the process of working on this or that before their last work was put out for the public.... So, let try it!

WEEEHHOOOOOO!! It's time for things I'm looking forward to!

There are surprisingly a lot more this month than I would have believed! To kick things off, Tonight's episode of faceoff is going to be the competition of the judges!!! Badass!!!! Next, I start drivers training the same days that are seemingly going to sail off into the cool depths of the fall. Then Next Tuesday.. is a full moon!!! Then over the weekend more training and my boyfriend's niece's princess themed birthday party... I'm going to dress up... you know... as a prince ;p. Then... Celldweller's new album the following Tuesday. The next Tuesday is the Autumn equinox. The last Tuesday of this month is Gerard Way's solo album. I told you September is only a prelude to October. <B