aqua marine tangerine magenta!

It's been a while so let's add some color to the scene.

PAST: Over and over, there's again not too too much going on. Just the same ol' same. But the Race at turtle was awesome! with the exception of two things. It was raining and windy, and I didn't want to stay because of that. I mean what's the point really of staying at the nudist resort if you can't go outside legally. So I went home. But while I was there I gave it my all! I ran against 66 others finishing the 5k at 21 minutes! This landed me in 2nd place for my age division, and 6th place overall! awesome. Same night I ate, a whole thing of ice cream... and then a pint of another... sheeesh... I'm like a shark... once I get sugar in my hands it's like a feeding frenzy.

CURRENTLY: I am chilling out... chilling being a very literal word. as it's super cold in here! I might open things up a bit. But okay, today is my change day / clean day.../ arrange and organize things day... My experience is that this is usually split up into 2 days... one where I clean and organize and then where I handle all the rest! So maybe starting this o the second to last of the month is best then. I have recently begun my quest to stop the use of sauces. Or, at least when at home. I've almost been a month free of ketchup not even the tiniest drop. There's a whole untouched 4 lb bottle of it in the fridge too. I came to the conclusion that it was allowing me to overeat, because I was mainly in it for whatever sauce I was eating at the time. It will help me to get a little bit more creative with spices and stuff now. Just by cutting out sauce I am reducing a lot of calories, and sugars and of course SODIUM. Doing this will also help me to feel better about the times that I digress from the path of healthiness. Not erase guilt completely but ease it nonetheless.

FUTURE: in the immediate future A.K.A. this week, We're doing the camping thing! Actually really excited. I've already kind of figured out how to eat and what not. I'm always stressing this. It's very important for bipolar people to have control and feel that they have said control and keep it. Or... ugliness seeps out. But yeah, I'm not going to drink or have the obligatory smores. Though I may want to do both, I will be doing guilty pleasures I don't normally take part in anyways...can't over do it. Like instead of drinking I might get some redbulls and or monsters. They do about the same thing, give you this high make ya act all crazy etc. Check out the town etc, and maybe see my uncle and his partner there. We also bought a couple of our own fireworks. This fourth of July might just be the very best I've had. Time will tell!

Gotta get back to the other tasks now.! <B

Rhinoceros Pudding

Trust me, you don't want any... >_>

It's been a minute since I have (successfully) done any sort of posting. I have tried to have videos a couple of days in a row now and have had to abandon them because youtube has been taking FOREVER to upload them. No, matter here's what's been going down.


PAST: I do not know where I left off really in terms of things so, I'll start off with the last staple if you will. I saw mom for her birthday. It was a good time, got her out of the house and to see a lot of things downtown and the movie spy with Melissa McCarthy. Which had dick in it... like front and center stuff... awkward.... But yeah. The second cake turned out way better than I had thought, especially in regard to the added candy melt coating under the frosting... LOVED IT. But I think I was more fond of it than mom or the boyfriend and thus I ate nearly 6/8 of it. *shrugs* trying to be better about things now.

I've not had a drop of ketchup in about 2 weeks I'm proud to say... But I've been eating spaghetti sauce. One vice for another I suppose. Because in the last 11 days I've eaten 10.5 lbs of sauce... heh ^_^*.... but I plan to try and stop sauces sooner or later as they add so much more to what I've eaten for the day... especially in the way that I drown my food in condiment of choice.

Started counseling, that's pretty neato. I like the counselor I think we're a good team thus far... I don't feel hated surprisingly. The place I'm going to for this is actually kind of religious I found out later... Hehe I just had to auto correct religious... that's how much I type that word... But yeah it's working out great so far.

Lastly, I just got back from seeing the psychiatrist today, and we think that some changes in meds might be in order due to fluctuations and such. She basically told me that that my current medication is acting as a bumper to keep me balanced between manic and depressed... and while I've still been getting both of these, she said that if I was to not be taking anything that the highs and lows would be even higher and even lower... NOPE! So the plan is to up the dosage from 200 mg to 300 mg for 2 weeks and see what that looks like. We might even need to add on a little extra.

CURRENTLY: I'm sitting at my desk uncomfortably shifting back and forth to not feel like my gut is jutting out. Of course I am also typing this. Thinking about all of the awesome walking I have been doing lately... It's not really doing anything... but it somehow gives me  a sense of accomplishment. I got home... I cleaned the kitchen... I watered the plant... Doing this... Want to check out my little alter boy... HEY PERV it's not as it sounds, it's a Vocoder (voice modulating plugin) ' for Fl Studio... do a little prodding around for potential work, and look into the secret shopping biz with my BF sometime this weekend hopefully. I might not get to all of the rest of the stuff today but we'll see. I'm glad that I am in just such a productive and happy mood.  ANNNDDDD 808 (a type of 80's drum machine) roll! THE NEW CELLDWELLER CHAPTER 4 :"DEATH" is coming out on the 17th of next month! yes, the conclusion but not the end of the album.

FUTURE!!!: This weekend is one of the biggest staples of the summer for me... Actually even the year!

• THE TURTLE RACE 6/27/15
• FULL MOON 07/01/15
• CAMPING! 07/03 - 07/05
• INVADER ZIM COMIC 07/08/15

I've got a couple further out but I'll save them for a little later.

Yes, just a brief word on camping. Never have. Should be interesting. I get a hatchet... bear with me I'll have adult supervision. I'm also excited about burnt food, and exploding things (Fourth Of July)... It's gonna be at a very gay area... I'm sure I'll be hearing the obligatory "Firework" by Katy Perry ... That'll probably be the worst part of it. :D

<B

where are my bookmarks?

BABADOOOOOKKK!

sweaty hands of the century

I must have a sugar "thing" lol

Because I get really warm after sugar nowadays, as well sweaty hands, and just overall icky... so after this bday for mom. no no. I've already gone without ketchup for a week now, and haee not been putting anything on some of my food as unbelievable as that may seem. Now, back to the task at hand ^-^.

PAST: SOOOOOO, I've been what I am assuming to be a manic phase... either that or I am genuinely happy? i dunno something of that nature. But yeah, I've had a couple of sugary days... but surprisingly the day that messed with me a little bit was yesterday when I had eaten (what I think is a lot) after making an hour and a half commute on foot. I was starving. but yeah that's all I'll say about that annoyed a lil it's whatever. Yesterday I got to go to the counselor and meet him... It was a very cool experience and I like the atmosphere for the most part. I met a woman with adorable baby girl. I actually told the mother how cute she was... which surprised me... If there were two of me at that moment... the other wouldn't have sat there with a blank stare and slackened jaw upon seeing this. But it did... and I spoke to the lady all the way up to my appointment. When They left the little one enthusiastically sprung her arm back and forth to say goodbye! awwww. Moments like that make me like people.

CURRENT: is something that most bodies of water have.. see what... I did there?!? But really though, that what they call like the waves and stuff. But for really, really, really, realz , I'm waiting on fish sticks to be done baking. I baked and decorated the cake today... round one was awful.. But this one I'm mostly pleased with for having no skills in this situation. whoa! eating rice really just make you feel full... puh! (I took a break between writing). But yeah, now I'm typing this up before walking on the treadmill a little bit. Then looking at the jobs, then looking at the secret shopping in more detail, and then sound stuff if I'm not feeling dead like I usually do, come 4pm. for some reason.

FUTURE: I realize I might be repeating myself but oh well. I can say what I Want to. Mom's Bday is this weekend we'll be picking her up tomorrow and having her over till sunday morning. Should be fun . And then next weekend one of the top 5 things I have been looking forward to is happening. 5k! I was ready for it ever since the last one ended. The energy, the weather,. I have actually been preparing this time though, so maybe I won't almost pass out. I'm not counting on winning necessarily, I am however counting on just doing my personal best .under 20 minutes hopefully. 10mph on the treadmill is a little taxing. But not as horrible now that I've gone to doing the more intense runs every other day, so my legs are stronger and I'm less tired. OOOO and camping might happen. That could be fun! Fires, and maybe a hatchet... that sounds... a little crazy. 0_o

CURIOSITY: I have been fascinated as to why being heavier makes you look older? I wonder what the scientific view is on that. If there is one.

Welp, that's it for now. better I made this as a text entry today anyway as it'll upload directly.

<B

random banter

bullocks

The Ninja Goes: CHOP! CHOP! SLICE! SLICE!

a thousand times yes

PAST: This weekend The BF and I went to downtown Plymouth to see what was out there! It was really cool! Really busy and alive... didn't seem like Michigan at all really. I tried some candy I never had, and went to a blossoming young comic shop called Blaze-Thru comics, the owner was pretty awesome!

CURRENTLY: Still watching the dogs witch has been pretty good! the best time so far I think. I've still not started the day fully. I've been looking up new music (Blanck Mass) and looking into what exactly Hedonism, paganism, and Wiccan are. I actually Identify with all of the above. It's really cool.

FUTURE: Upon looking up this stuff I found an event I've been curious about for a few months happening tomorrow for witches. A sign? Maybe :). Then a possible wedding thing this weekend, nd then mom's b-day the following, and then the race the weekend after that... It's weird that June has been the busiest month .

FEELING: in between slackerish, and excited from all of the new information I've picked up. I feel like it's kind of late in the day, but I feel better rested I think. I feel pretty awake, And like I have to.... pee... DEATH TO THE UTI!

RANDOM THOUGHT: Kinda, Did you know what Hedonism actually is? It basically means what I have been saying all along about how I believe that life is about seeking out the most pleasure usually by the five senses, and as long as it is not harming anyone else. I've always felt this. So it holds happiness in the highest of regards essentially. Good stuff>

WORK: None to be found still... the leads grow smaller , my searches are quicker... I don't want to settle but I also do not want to fail at my next job... I have to call my caseworker. and see if the job rehab thing will be a good thing to do. I don't know if I need her but assume it's referral based.

SOUNDS: I've been working a lot more. once a day, not as much as I should but that is already better than what I have been doing the last few weeks. I'm learning to be fairly repetitive in songs... Most people like that... I'm also working on learning how to make things blend better and not pop out awkwardly. Learning to compress and equalize can be tedious but it's a (sometimes fun and) necessary evil.

HEALTH: I've been fluctuating in the mood department... as most are aware it's related to my self image. If the image is unsatisfactory, I'm not the funnest. And I've been eating icky things lol. Out of boredom... and to kill time. BUT I have started to write list and and things of that nature... Maybe that can be a cool strategy to help keep me centered everyday. Write a list, about whatever... I find great pleasure in lists and statistics!.

CONFUSED ABOUT: Why I let myself slip up Health wise, when I've been doing my best? It's happened like that a couple times going in circles... Last year I was upwards up till about May, in regards to emotion. In regards to getting things done and HEalthwise, I'd say I starting sliding about... July or August. I don't know, *Shrugs*

Everything in a nutshell with a bag of chips... that was lame for you to read probably as it was for me to type lol. But in the very least if your rolled your eyes... well.. I made you feel something. Have a splendiferous day!   <B

antidisestablishmentarianism - NAILED IT!

cactus ass

Title (I don't Have one)

Listening to some really intense glitchey music or what is referred to as "dirty" for those who like the type of music.

So, basically been 2 days of trying to upload videos that have not made it up due to their ridiculous wait times. I might have one that I have not posted that made it. Actually I think they both uploaded I just never got to put them on my blog because when said videos finally did make it... I didn't care. In the best way possible I did not care .

 

Moving right along, ^_^ I've decided to start the listing thing again... it's therapeutic it really helps me focus and remember what I need and want to do. I came up with a little formula for the blogs to... Briefly touching base on key points so, her we go!

• CURRENTLY: I am sitting at the boyfriend's sister's house watching the wieners- er dogs... okay, dachshunds, I'll grow up lol. But yeah, that'll be mentioned twice in the videos.. because again.. they got uploaded... but never made it here. I like it... It kind of leaves some of the things on your mind behind if you get away for a few days een if it is somewhere relatively close. A  change of scenery.
•  I FEEL: Pretty damn good actually, I worked out on an elliptical witch actually made me feel out of shape ... it was surprisingly intense. I'm here with two adorable pups... they're adorable now but give them a couple of days hehe. annnnd I made some lists... which as I said help make things better.
• RANDOM THOUGHT: In the shower today I thought to myself that motivation and discouragement...exist together. What I mean is I see a personal relation between them... A lot of the things that motivate me can also, push me back. It is truly about perspective. Because when I feel low... other people's success makes me want to sink and hide... where as when I'm doing okay and doing what I know I need to, it kind of helps me and brings back the curiosity that I so love.
• I'm EXCITED FOR: a  grab bag of random things. My eye doc appointment, mom's Birthday, seeing my old therapist and last... but most.... NAKED 5K! wooo! Told ya, this was going to be a grab bag lol.
• WORK: nothing thus yet... I keep feeling that I am under qualified for jobs... or overqualified for others. The ones that I really want and care to get elude me. All of the night stock jobs have said no, one of the comic places. I'm not giving up and I'm trying not to give in... I want to work smarter not harder. I want to find a job that I will want to work at most days... because if I don't... idk not a good pretender. So, I'm going to do some digging on being a secret shopper. Sounds good to me for the most part, going shopping, giving constructive criticism, I CAN DO THAT... I don't know we'll see. I hope to have something nailed down before the fall. But if not I am fairly confident finding halloween work... will be easy peesy. 
• SOUND STUFF: So, I'm getting better at things, I'm working at things more in this regard. I'd getting a little more repetitive... which for me is good, because I just wanted to start new songs every five seconds in a lot of the songs that I have done prior. I mean it still happens but... I just keep starting new pieces... which is good and bad... I'll just need to try and buckle down on 3 at a time. But yeah, I hope to have at least one piece by august. 
• LET'S GO MENTAL: Health, Let's go... metal... health... get it?!? You're no fun. :P so yeah, it seems to be getting better by going back to a lot of the same things that I was doing last year, working out... eating as best as I can, listing things, researching thoughts feelings and facts to relate myself to the outside world. I still need to find some help... which I have a couple of leads for... one of them I have to wait till September 1st... ew.. I also need to find a place for eating disorders. I don't know that a group setting would be good for me. Especially because I know personally, that I compare... that might not be good for that sort of thing... I found a clinic but that only catered to ages between 8 and 24.... really? 8 years old?? Friggin social media is turning back the dial and raising insecurity levels at even younger age levels.
• THREE THINGS TO SUCCEED AT: Losing the love handles, finding suitable work, and making the 5k in 22 minutes tops. 
• CONFUSION: A nagging thought keeps pulling at my brain... I can't understand how or why everybody on the internet needs to have every type of social media... I've seen some really cool people that I've liked and seemed to be on the same page become this kind of self obsessed being... Not all. There's Gerard way from my Chemical romance who just happens to be the artist I know of that I respect the most... Because he seems very real. He's open about having to take medication for his depression, his weight fluctuations, and he's non- stop on it, always making new stuff. I mean I respect him more so than I  ever thought when I was an angsty teen. But yeah... I just feel like social media puts up a front.. sure nobody wants to see gloom and doom but I personally don't like seeing people I follow self glorify every 5 seconds or so... Whatever have to adapt or fall behind right? Have to evolve in order to go on. I've always been a little archaic. Welp, this is my highly informative entry. 

BYYYEEEYEEE!!!!!! <B

pyramids

Awe tism