Suck at hide and seek

Yeah, I can't hide very well.

it's definitely needed in real life. Oddly enough, you need to be some degree of "fake" in the "real" world. I've always found the concept concerning. I've also find it odd how people let one aspect of themselves become the main presentation of them self ... which is not usually noticed by them...

Is it clear that I'm no entirely focused today? yep. Sho is. So, what I'm ultimately getting at is, that I like being able to be me, say what I want and whatever. there's a nagging sense of insincerity otherwise. I mean, I feel, for the most part that I can't-" just be "sometimes. (this is usually when I'm a bit down... which the winter is assisting me greatly with.) Example... In my classes ... it's so quiet and people really don't talk to each other. When I do I have major communication break downs... but they are guys, so there's that normal obstacle for me. I know we have common interests because of the class.. but it doesn't really extend into genres. So beyond wanting to create music... there's nothing... Do I say.... How bout that super plate sunday? Oh... yeah bowl... *awkwardly darts off*

When I do feel inclined to let me out... I just feel like a bass in a world of treble.. (I just learned that treble is easily absorbed by objects whereas bass cuts through.) I feel unstoppable.

It's very obvious at this point in time that I keep my eye on my actions. because that's the only way to stop and or fix something. I'm trying to listen to what my heart, head, and body say all at once. Everyone would be a little bit better, but the truth is one or two are often overlooked or locked up. People don't want to let out emotion, or people don't want to look dumb, or people push their physical limits until they crash... I'm trying to listen.... These three things I feel are a core basis of everything. Because everything starts with the individual.

Again, I have lost track.

But I guess not really. this entry is just a therapeutic remedy at the moment. I need to talk and hear myself so to speak. I've quick caffeine, rather I'm in the process of. I've been doing research on how to guard myself from old man winter's psychological attacks. Sapping energy, motivation, interest. I've read coffee as being good, and bad. Good because it helps stimulate happy parts of your brain. Bad because it is much like a drug, and you hit further down once the initial kick dies off. Which, is very tricky at this point in time. I can't have it. I've also began to listen to psybient, goa trance, and some other light variations of electronic music. I use it in the morning before I work out to just think. It's very good for thinking because it sounds nice and smooth and it's not over stimulating.

I had to back off from one of my classes... One I knew in the back of my head that I should never have taken, at least not this semester. trust yourself. I knew back then that, that specific class with my current frame of mind would be too cumbersome.

BUUUUT let's talk about some positive stuff now. I'm learning some cool stuff in class, I like my teachers. I feel I'm getting better but. I'm severely impatient and just want to be "there". Ummmm It's almost Valentine's day (my 2nd favorite holiday) and that is right after, ... FRIDAY THE 13th!!! I like to try and regard these as mini Halloweens. And then... there's another fri 13th before my 3rd favorite holiday St' patricks day... Oh and I'm Going to VEGAS in just 4 weeks. At least January is over... the worst month of the year is done... It's getting lighter earlier holidays are popping up.

Lastly, I finally have contact with the school radio station, and I should have a slot on Thursday at 5pm I believe. It will be called EclecticA and it will last for an hour. So, 4 Awesome things slated for the coming month. Fuck you January, fuck - you.XD Radio-Love-13- and Vegas. <B

Running to Ambient

I don't recommend running to ambient music, it's only irritating.

It's been about two weeks, (I cheated, I read the last date I published.) A lot of thoughts and things have just "been there".

After Christmas, new years, winter semester starting where am I?

I'm there man... I'm totally there XD

Where?... Where are you Bry?

A weird head space. Where I'm more balanced than I have been in the past and more alert of certain things. But I'm not as receptive some days.. most of these frost and drear laden days.

Rewind....

I've begun my yearly staggering a bit. I didn't immediately find my balance and I still have not polished it.. I'm closer mind you. It's hard for me to enjoy some things on some days... these days are a little bit of an imploding grenade for me (self destructive). I say, I'll take it easy on myself... That I'm tired and my focus is very little. So, I'll try and present the idea of chilling out and staying idol to myself... Should I take the bait, a strong feeling of guilt, or self disappointment ensues. It's not debilitating. But it is rather counterproductive.

I know I'm not alone in this.

I need to return to the drawing board. Literally. I'm a lister.. A person who thrives on order and plans... Also a person who gets put off fairly easily by redirecting. Think of a car going as fast as it can and then slamming on the breaks as it turned. That's what it's like.

So I've established that I can have my balance and my order... but I Have tunnel vision, when I get things in my head... they get glued all over the walls like fliers for some indie band in a bar.

I'm getting better about slowing down and turning... Maybe that's the issue... I mean I can only blame so much on the weather, or bipolar... the doc says I do everything pretty well, that I'm very healthy...

My counselors have said that they think I am ready to get out there and make stuff happen. I am,

And lastly, on this specific subject there's one thing I have to remind myself of... It's only January. Patience.

"but, but But... Now?"

"what you want and what you need can be achieved.. but you need to keep giving it time and energy."

Doubts, are a useless item... sometimes I'm aware of that... When I say this I Have a little ... mantra? I guess that's the word... Leave no room for doubt, and in my head I'm thinking about coffee.. Doubt will change you, and add unhealthy qualities.

I think I've decided (after some real thinking, talking with people online and common sense)... that making a song and tossing it out every 10 days should not be considered.. no... Not yet at least.

How i let the notion of quality over quantity slip my head I do not know. A song is done, when you feel that it is the best and it sounds just right to you in every way... if it's not? then it's back to the computer. I really met up with this thought a couple of days ago, when I was going to put up a new song... and it wasn't done... it wasn't coming together. I erased a lot of it... added a lot of new things, and almost completed changed the entire song last minute... I was far more impressed... with where it is GOING. It's not done... and I don't plan to abandon it. I feel to strongly about it having he potential I see in it to carelessly toss in mismatched pieces just for the sake of saying " look what I did".

In the future, after some growth, and experience.. Then maybe  can toss out a little bi more and say, hey... I can do this a bit faster now.

Well, I'm off to battle the nasty thing that is S.A.D.   who knows, maybe I'll go somewhere to help inspire, and or wake me up! ~_~

Omitted results...

Everyone's guilty of this at some point... Withholding important thoughts... Thinking that another person should just "get" something... That's far too much expect from someone... Not all minds are alike... Similar but not exact. If you can't interpret and express feelings and emotions correctly... And at the right times... That's on you. Mind readers are real, for better or otherwise.

I say where I'm at what I need, and look for the right ways to say and ask things... I don't always get it right, that's impossible for any. But when the same idea is proposed time and again... And agreed upon repeatedly... One has every right to be frustrated just as much.

I struggle right now to make a neutral attempt at this... I'm saddened... I'm scared... I'm admittedly always worried deep down... I feel it on my surface right now... I ... Am not a villain... I am just different... Funny on the last day of counseling... I feel a great sorrow... I never know where I'll be  from one day to the next... Always felt a sense of drifting (again always in the back of my mind).

I refuse to be beaten by this state right now.... To panic in quicksand ensures defeat... I'll handle it tomorrow. ... At this moment... I'm not certain wrapping up my help was good... Have to keep moving... A pack or a rogue... .

I know this feeling... Though not as bad as in youth... Its that feeling of shame... Maybe I should be by myself... Yes it'd be a harder road... But ... But.... *sigh*

This feeling, a thick mixture of dark memory, confusion, fear. The winter was never good to me.

I appreciate my chance to free will... I really do... Don't think otherwise.. The fact I have the internet... A haven from the cold... I think about this so much.... To be honest... Its astounding that I am still standing.... I can't let ANYONE tear me down... Work with, sure .

Perhaps I have omitted words too... Is this when I look up into space. Search for my meaning? I was never treated poorly...

But the truth is stunning and I've been pierced. I don't like it... But it is its own. A dose of reality... Needed. Scary... . hungry... Tired...lonely....feeling the emotion of sadness without the actions...

I could go on to site everything I feel... But realize that I am fairly soft right now... Nothing meant with ill intent.

I needed someone to talk to... So I have myself... And this wall I like to mark up. . .

Thx for talking me through this a bit Bry,. Hang in there man.