Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
X is for Adults
Woooo, the day I've had....
It's been kind of clunky for lack of a better word...
What I mean by this: I guess it began with last night. I went to bed at 10:45 simple enough... but then I woke up at 5:30... because my bladder demanded it. Next, I went to an interview I had and I was the first one there as they were having multiple people come in.
I did it well enough, I had my selling points: I was there early, and I was myself with the managers, I asked many questions. Still no call back yet. but that's okay because although, I'm looking looking for work, and I need it and this would give me a fair amount of money... this would really... REALLY mess with my bipolar. How? Well, I'd already feel like I was keeping myself "a secret"... The manager essentially told me there would be an unofficial hazing, and the scheduling would be horrid... I need consistency, as I have said and will say many more times in my life... without it... I get lost and it's a little hard for me to turn around.
I was asked what I was doing currently and I told them going to school and looking for work, and when I mentioned what I had been going to school for they kind of... Snubbed it I feel like a "yeah that's nice". One of them even asked me what I hoped to do with that... I swear people with overtly business type minds... they suck they just don't really get much else too serious etc... Granted to get what I eventually want I'll have to bear some business power too... but a different kind, there is business from an artistic aspect... and a BUSINESS, business aspect.
So, that kind of got me a little down as it always does... Don't look down on me because I've chosen something that will ultimately make me happy. Anyways, I walked home took about 35 minutes, was a great walk in great weather .. probably the best part of my day no doubt. ... I found it a little hard to get back on track... in part due to the cloudy feeling in my head I sometimes get... I can never seem to put words to it... but my brain is fairly useless in this state... *Sigh* I could have gotten back on track easy hadn't it been for that. But, it happened nonetheless. I forced myself through one of the things I needed to get through working out. I quit after about 50 minutes... today's yoga practices were way too advanced me ... I had to improvise the best that I could...
So, I ultimately decided to take a nap, to try and counter act my brain from it's lack of thought... An hour and a half nap, because that's a sleep cycle and I figured that would be the best bet. So I did that and was in that weird state of asleep and awake at the same time... ick. But when I decided I was going to get up about an hour ago, I ate the remaining half of the jar of peanuts, and my waffle, pb2, greek yogurt, and marmalade sandwich. Yum... I opened the blinds.. And here I am.
Not a complete bust, I'm working through this day as best as I can. That's all you can ever do. But the thought that has been rolling around in my head, was what was it that made my day tumble around like this? Was it waking up so early? If so- that's not cool- I can't be having on link in my chain make the rest defective.... it makes sense to me though, because my body is used to a very specific routine... and it was thrown off of it since the very beginning of the day. Maybe it's allergies? I've had pressure in the front of my head since this morning. I doubt the likelihood of dehydration due to the fact that I have been a water fiend of late.... so I don't know..
All I know is that tomorrow I attack the gates of hot topic in hopes that they will accept me into their team... And call panera bread about their night baker position. But for now, I'm going to try and pick up and finish as much as I can.
Love, <B
It's been kind of clunky for lack of a better word...
What I mean by this: I guess it began with last night. I went to bed at 10:45 simple enough... but then I woke up at 5:30... because my bladder demanded it. Next, I went to an interview I had and I was the first one there as they were having multiple people come in.
I did it well enough, I had my selling points: I was there early, and I was myself with the managers, I asked many questions. Still no call back yet. but that's okay because although, I'm looking looking for work, and I need it and this would give me a fair amount of money... this would really... REALLY mess with my bipolar. How? Well, I'd already feel like I was keeping myself "a secret"... The manager essentially told me there would be an unofficial hazing, and the scheduling would be horrid... I need consistency, as I have said and will say many more times in my life... without it... I get lost and it's a little hard for me to turn around.
I was asked what I was doing currently and I told them going to school and looking for work, and when I mentioned what I had been going to school for they kind of... Snubbed it I feel like a "yeah that's nice". One of them even asked me what I hoped to do with that... I swear people with overtly business type minds... they suck they just don't really get much else too serious etc... Granted to get what I eventually want I'll have to bear some business power too... but a different kind, there is business from an artistic aspect... and a BUSINESS, business aspect.
So, that kind of got me a little down as it always does... Don't look down on me because I've chosen something that will ultimately make me happy. Anyways, I walked home took about 35 minutes, was a great walk in great weather .. probably the best part of my day no doubt. ... I found it a little hard to get back on track... in part due to the cloudy feeling in my head I sometimes get... I can never seem to put words to it... but my brain is fairly useless in this state... *Sigh* I could have gotten back on track easy hadn't it been for that. But, it happened nonetheless. I forced myself through one of the things I needed to get through working out. I quit after about 50 minutes... today's yoga practices were way too advanced me ... I had to improvise the best that I could...
So, I ultimately decided to take a nap, to try and counter act my brain from it's lack of thought... An hour and a half nap, because that's a sleep cycle and I figured that would be the best bet. So I did that and was in that weird state of asleep and awake at the same time... ick. But when I decided I was going to get up about an hour ago, I ate the remaining half of the jar of peanuts, and my waffle, pb2, greek yogurt, and marmalade sandwich. Yum... I opened the blinds.. And here I am.
Not a complete bust, I'm working through this day as best as I can. That's all you can ever do. But the thought that has been rolling around in my head, was what was it that made my day tumble around like this? Was it waking up so early? If so- that's not cool- I can't be having on link in my chain make the rest defective.... it makes sense to me though, because my body is used to a very specific routine... and it was thrown off of it since the very beginning of the day. Maybe it's allergies? I've had pressure in the front of my head since this morning. I doubt the likelihood of dehydration due to the fact that I have been a water fiend of late.... so I don't know..
All I know is that tomorrow I attack the gates of hot topic in hopes that they will accept me into their team... And call panera bread about their night baker position. But for now, I'm going to try and pick up and finish as much as I can.
Love, <B
Monday, April 27, 2015
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Thursday, April 23, 2015
U is for Underwear
i don't know why underwear... was the first thing that popped into my head.
hello again, Bry.
So today, is going pretty fast and pretty good... it's not taking for ever like some other days have felt this week. I've already cleaned up the house a bit... Reached out in the forums I frequent, looked up jobs, offered music to some youtubers I know, and, well that's about it thus far... But I feel that still... the rest of my day is up in the air... I need in the very least 2 more hours with music, ... I need to add more poems to the anthology and I will probably hit the town for the drum circle again...
I may or may not attempt the nerd Nite but that's because I found out yesterday that it it is... nerd... Nerd like... Sciencey.. not nerd like dorky... comics... monsters and stuff..... *shrugs*.
I'm gonna try and force myself to go, because: for one my friend not go... which in my adult mind shouldn't be a reason and is likely an excuse because I don't want to venture into the cold.
that alone might be enough to keep me away from the nerd nite thing, because if I'm already uncomfortable.. and going into more uncertainty... hmmm seems a little shaky on how things might go down. But! you never know... I sure as hell have surprised myself numerous times this year, and it's barely the 2nd quarter of the year.
So as I see it if I go, it starts at 7... at least 2 hours of music and half an hour of adding to the anthology leads me up to about... 5pm.
*looks outside... listens to the whipping wind*
Ew.
You know for a decade I had let my hair kind of define me... I'm still playing with it obviously but still... there are more pros to have my hair short than long. I mean, saves money, both on hair cuts and gels, and sprays, and dyes and bleach etc. This crappy stuff called "wind" isn't as much of a pain in my ass, no bedhead, no one can mess up my hair.. bees can't hide in it (that happened once),
The only real downsides I see are that my head get's a little colder in the cold seasons, BUT! there's a plus to that too that means that my head will be cooler in the summer! I can't do much with it, thus it keeps me looking very nearly the same everyday so- I have to rely more so on what I wear and accessorize some in order to make up for that I feel... *shrugs* I love being able to look at things with a couple of different angles. It really helps to keep you from being bummed about things that can't be controlled or just things that you don't like. Alright well, I'm going to try and do whatever it is I'm going to do now, MUAH! <B
hello again, Bry.
So today, is going pretty fast and pretty good... it's not taking for ever like some other days have felt this week. I've already cleaned up the house a bit... Reached out in the forums I frequent, looked up jobs, offered music to some youtubers I know, and, well that's about it thus far... But I feel that still... the rest of my day is up in the air... I need in the very least 2 more hours with music, ... I need to add more poems to the anthology and I will probably hit the town for the drum circle again...
I may or may not attempt the nerd Nite but that's because I found out yesterday that it it is... nerd... Nerd like... Sciencey.. not nerd like dorky... comics... monsters and stuff..... *shrugs*.
I'm gonna try and force myself to go, because: for one my friend not go... which in my adult mind shouldn't be a reason and is likely an excuse because I don't want to venture into the cold.
that alone might be enough to keep me away from the nerd nite thing, because if I'm already uncomfortable.. and going into more uncertainty... hmmm seems a little shaky on how things might go down. But! you never know... I sure as hell have surprised myself numerous times this year, and it's barely the 2nd quarter of the year.
So as I see it if I go, it starts at 7... at least 2 hours of music and half an hour of adding to the anthology leads me up to about... 5pm.
*looks outside... listens to the whipping wind*
Ew.
You know for a decade I had let my hair kind of define me... I'm still playing with it obviously but still... there are more pros to have my hair short than long. I mean, saves money, both on hair cuts and gels, and sprays, and dyes and bleach etc. This crappy stuff called "wind" isn't as much of a pain in my ass, no bedhead, no one can mess up my hair.. bees can't hide in it (that happened once),
The only real downsides I see are that my head get's a little colder in the cold seasons, BUT! there's a plus to that too that means that my head will be cooler in the summer! I can't do much with it, thus it keeps me looking very nearly the same everyday so- I have to rely more so on what I wear and accessorize some in order to make up for that I feel... *shrugs* I love being able to look at things with a couple of different angles. It really helps to keep you from being bummed about things that can't be controlled or just things that you don't like. Alright well, I'm going to try and do whatever it is I'm going to do now, MUAH! <B
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Monday, April 20, 2015
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Q is for Quill
Feel a little interesting writing to the soundtrack for the original Mortal Kombat video game lol.
I have to type this up on my laptop today as I have to make fish sticks and eggs and make sure that they don't burn or boil out.... sounds weird but those are the remaining protein foods here... and a couple of cans of beans... both good and bad. It's so weird going back to typing things on this after such a streak of being on my desktop with my awesome new set up. but old school it good sometimes to help remember the good things.
I narrowed what I want to hopefully see come out of everyday. in no order : I want to exercise, blog, job hunt, put together my poetry anthology a little bit more, experiment on my own with sound, learn techniques from videos, work on my social media stuff, do a little nearby reaching out to record labels and the like, go for a walk, clean a little bit.
Of course I do have things that take priority in my head.. cleaning is probably the last as it does not coincide with goals.
I've decided I'm going to do what I want... things are a little better that way... I'll consider people... but just not be overly focused on them until I need to be... I've almost always let people influence my drive and what not... The times I actually followed myself I did what I wanted and needed for myself... I just have to be... simply put...
Yesterday I thought about how far I've come.. and it made me feel really strong. I also thought about how sick it makes me that I have let people tell me I was wrong for anything.... I mean "wrong" ... there have been way too many things about myself as an individual I have been told to be wrong... I'm going to try and cut that shit short anymore... the moment I'm told that I just need to turn my head and go... I won't be questioned. Now, if I should hurt or offend somebody who didn't deserve it... so be it. THAT is wrong...
This brought about something yesterday... I overheard a man talk about gay people ... speaking ignorantly....
He was some poorly dressed... lower class citizen speaking to another random person of his kind.... Not that, that has much to do with anything ... but I just know of his kind.... the kind... that has been so defeated by society, that he turned to the deity in the sky... And uses "the lord's" words to justify his own hatred... But uses the "god forgives all card" to excuse himself from his own sins.
I told the man he was ignorant and did not know what he was saying. ... I might have called him a fucking idiot I don't remember exactly. Preoccupied with his rant to the woman.... he made his way over to me..
He asked me if I had a couple bucks... I probably gave that fuckhead a really nasty look. I said not for you!
Again, I don't remember all I said... but it was clear that I had to shout so I could get my words in to the old bastard. He told me... "well it says in the bible"... I told him oh yeah, that's a great book of fiction. There's also giants in there. I was ready to keep strong to my attack on his lack of intelligence.. but he either thought he had won... or he couldn't handle someone challenging him... and he walked off to others who might or might not have gave 2 shits... and did a hand jerking motion... Oh, so godly of him.... Havn't I heard that that is a sin.... I bet you that is undoubtedly one of the aforementioned disgraces... who says god hates gays...drinks... and probably steals.... but prays so he's still "in the right". I wanted to ask him and say.. hey.. do you like it when people treat yo like you're a lazy good for nothing living off the scraps and good will of others?... Because unlike you... the people "waving giant rainbow flags around and should have their asses kicked... actually do things...
I got such a rush from doing this.... such a rush... I haven't felt that strong an urge to try and fight as I have since I was a teen with my father... If there's one thing I can't stand it's people tearing down another person for something they like... I try and catch myself lately... I've been trying to replacing my judgments with saying... I don't understand... and letting it go at that. But it's men like him that have always kept me miles away from the generally backwards actions of Christianity... NOT ALL ARE THIS WAY... I'll never say... I've just run into many that have been like this.... I don't have time for hypocrites with God shields.
I'm glad I am gaining a voice again... that's just the most challenging I believe I have ever been.
He's a fuck up ;D <B
I have to type this up on my laptop today as I have to make fish sticks and eggs and make sure that they don't burn or boil out.... sounds weird but those are the remaining protein foods here... and a couple of cans of beans... both good and bad. It's so weird going back to typing things on this after such a streak of being on my desktop with my awesome new set up. but old school it good sometimes to help remember the good things.
I narrowed what I want to hopefully see come out of everyday. in no order : I want to exercise, blog, job hunt, put together my poetry anthology a little bit more, experiment on my own with sound, learn techniques from videos, work on my social media stuff, do a little nearby reaching out to record labels and the like, go for a walk, clean a little bit.
Of course I do have things that take priority in my head.. cleaning is probably the last as it does not coincide with goals.
I've decided I'm going to do what I want... things are a little better that way... I'll consider people... but just not be overly focused on them until I need to be... I've almost always let people influence my drive and what not... The times I actually followed myself I did what I wanted and needed for myself... I just have to be... simply put...
Yesterday I thought about how far I've come.. and it made me feel really strong. I also thought about how sick it makes me that I have let people tell me I was wrong for anything.... I mean "wrong" ... there have been way too many things about myself as an individual I have been told to be wrong... I'm going to try and cut that shit short anymore... the moment I'm told that I just need to turn my head and go... I won't be questioned. Now, if I should hurt or offend somebody who didn't deserve it... so be it. THAT is wrong...
This brought about something yesterday... I overheard a man talk about gay people ... speaking ignorantly....
He was some poorly dressed... lower class citizen speaking to another random person of his kind.... Not that, that has much to do with anything ... but I just know of his kind.... the kind... that has been so defeated by society, that he turned to the deity in the sky... And uses "the lord's" words to justify his own hatred... But uses the "god forgives all card" to excuse himself from his own sins.
I told the man he was ignorant and did not know what he was saying. ... I might have called him a fucking idiot I don't remember exactly. Preoccupied with his rant to the woman.... he made his way over to me..
He asked me if I had a couple bucks... I probably gave that fuckhead a really nasty look. I said not for you!
Again, I don't remember all I said... but it was clear that I had to shout so I could get my words in to the old bastard. He told me... "well it says in the bible"... I told him oh yeah, that's a great book of fiction. There's also giants in there. I was ready to keep strong to my attack on his lack of intelligence.. but he either thought he had won... or he couldn't handle someone challenging him... and he walked off to others who might or might not have gave 2 shits... and did a hand jerking motion... Oh, so godly of him.... Havn't I heard that that is a sin.... I bet you that is undoubtedly one of the aforementioned disgraces... who says god hates gays...drinks... and probably steals.... but prays so he's still "in the right". I wanted to ask him and say.. hey.. do you like it when people treat yo like you're a lazy good for nothing living off the scraps and good will of others?... Because unlike you... the people "waving giant rainbow flags around and should have their asses kicked... actually do things...
I got such a rush from doing this.... such a rush... I haven't felt that strong an urge to try and fight as I have since I was a teen with my father... If there's one thing I can't stand it's people tearing down another person for something they like... I try and catch myself lately... I've been trying to replacing my judgments with saying... I don't understand... and letting it go at that. But it's men like him that have always kept me miles away from the generally backwards actions of Christianity... NOT ALL ARE THIS WAY... I'll never say... I've just run into many that have been like this.... I don't have time for hypocrites with God shields.
I'm glad I am gaining a voice again... that's just the most challenging I believe I have ever been.
He's a fuck up ;D <B
Saturday, April 18, 2015
P is for Privacy
Yeah, I've not been feeling the videos the last couple of days.... not at all.
Today I once again have that weird feeling... a paranoid, lonely feeling I keep in mind and look to eject. It's nice out so, I know I'll go and venture into that. Well, in part because I want to and in part because i have to, so that's a combination that can't be beat when priority meets playtime.
I have to go and return a piece of equipment to the library and then try something else out from there!
but yeah... just been down... down that I can't seem to get what I want in terms of sound.. In terms of not getting out enough, in terms of finding the right work for myself.
BUT, those are the thoughts of my inner child.... Those "I don't want to go to school today thoughts". I know my inner parent... (in no relation to what my actual parents would say) Would say that... if you don't like something then you have to work for a change.
The truth does sting and a lot of times I drag my feet... But when I actually take the first couple heavy steps... the weight I force gradually lessens.
These blogs are really good for me and the main reason that I do them is to vent and to have someone to talk to who I KNOW will listen.... I'm not leading a legacy or anything of that sort... my life is open to all who want to hear about it... but there is not that much to know... I don't go to clubs... My social outing are few and far between and my successful outings are close to being even fewer... It's whatever I am not speaking negatively just being honest.
Think of the small of things... I need to rally together some new things soon.. I used to have this lovely little coffee shop I'd walk to... It's gone... It seems like all of my favorite things are for niche markets or a very exclusive taste... And it's fun until it's discontinued or people can't relate... Oh well.
I think I might try my hand at a social outing later... MIGHT ... I accidentally turned on the italics by the keyboard... wonder how I did that....
*note to self : actually try and start learning the key commands for things. *
It's taken us this long just to remotely type this fast Bryan... Sure, this post has taken about 15 minutes... but given my past writing capabilities.. I'd say we're doing pretty damn fine...
Btw this is often how my inner dialogue goes... is we...
We enjoy it.
<B
Today I once again have that weird feeling... a paranoid, lonely feeling I keep in mind and look to eject. It's nice out so, I know I'll go and venture into that. Well, in part because I want to and in part because i have to, so that's a combination that can't be beat when priority meets playtime.
I have to go and return a piece of equipment to the library and then try something else out from there!
but yeah... just been down... down that I can't seem to get what I want in terms of sound.. In terms of not getting out enough, in terms of finding the right work for myself.
BUT, those are the thoughts of my inner child.... Those "I don't want to go to school today thoughts". I know my inner parent... (in no relation to what my actual parents would say) Would say that... if you don't like something then you have to work for a change.
The truth does sting and a lot of times I drag my feet... But when I actually take the first couple heavy steps... the weight I force gradually lessens.
These blogs are really good for me and the main reason that I do them is to vent and to have someone to talk to who I KNOW will listen.... I'm not leading a legacy or anything of that sort... my life is open to all who want to hear about it... but there is not that much to know... I don't go to clubs... My social outing are few and far between and my successful outings are close to being even fewer... It's whatever I am not speaking negatively just being honest.
Think of the small of things... I need to rally together some new things soon.. I used to have this lovely little coffee shop I'd walk to... It's gone... It seems like all of my favorite things are for niche markets or a very exclusive taste... And it's fun until it's discontinued or people can't relate... Oh well.
I think I might try my hand at a social outing later... MIGHT ... I accidentally turned on the italics by the keyboard... wonder how I did that....
*note to self : actually try and start learning the key commands for things. *
It's taken us this long just to remotely type this fast Bryan... Sure, this post has taken about 15 minutes... but given my past writing capabilities.. I'd say we're doing pretty damn fine...
Btw this is often how my inner dialogue goes... is we...
We enjoy it.
<B
Friday, April 17, 2015
O is for Orange
Scream all you want no one can hear you. Take a tear at the night if you can't help but feel that you were left here on purpose. furrow your eyebrows and try to convince yourself this was all a mistake and then move on to convince someone who might care... Freedom lies in your veins, that very same irony bars you.
i don't know what all that's about i felt it come on... so I went with it. Today is ... odd. Like yesterday was odd. I'm not sure if it's due to the breaking of bedtimes or indulging in certain foods or both really... But I'll step back on both of those as much as I can... I mean after all.. no one really likes admitting they need sleep... No one wants to admit they can't eat what they want all of the time. But that's just the reality of things. I know that I might not get to watch certain things if I go to bed early, bu that's too bad... I'd rather be more awake and alert the next day... I keep telling myself too that I will work on my music more and more... Giving only about the last hour or 2 of the day before bed to myself... It's far harder to accept our needs and have to's as opposed to our wants and desires. I need to work more. Perhaps not harder... but in higher amounts... there might become a time where I am up for hours beyond my sleep... that habit will most likely form when I really start to understand the software I am using. It took me a at least a year and a half before I found out pretty much everything I could in my original program.. I felt a little like I should have been wearing a dunce cap.. I could have learned that in 4 months tops, had I been at it longer... But that's been done. I just need to make sure that I get into and crack the info for what I am working with and make sure i get back into a flow.
I know by instinct how to damage my ambitions... I've done it for too long. I must train...(take it as easy on myself as I can while doing so) to be something that both a younger and my current self can just be excited about... I've been feeding this fire little by little and it's been showing...
Sure it will suck in the beginning ... a lot of things do... i keep telling myself... Bry, you don't have friends so where is your time invested... it's not like people are distracting you. I've gotta take this more serious in regards that I want it... Even I don't "Create" anything I have to learn what I'm doing and work with it... just doing that enough ... putting in the time is what's most important...
That's my little rant...
I'm also not 100% certain I took my med yesterday either *shrugs* I did today though so, there's that.
I'm going to go and try to be productive.
<B
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Monday, April 13, 2015
Saturday, April 11, 2015
J is for Jester
So today, is off to a good start.
It's sunny, the sky is blue, and I have ideas.
The ideas I have include further sprucing up my little "office" By adding some bright colors for some color psychology if you will.
I want to make sure to try different colors of bright poster boards and see how that goes.
But it should definitely help to improve things I believe.
I am a little back and forth.. off topic with any one thought.
That much is apparent.
But I have energy! So yeah!
I think as a plan D. I will try and do overnights.
I really want a job that involves moving. Which is funny because what I ultimately want to do is sit a desk and point and click and type away all day. BUT! While venting and creating. Pretty different from the average office job.
If I don not find something by the end of wither this month or next. I will be nightshift bound... and if it becomes a problem this time around then I will just need to fix it.
I realize one of the reasons as to why I am a little bummed lately... it's the dumb friend thing. I want to have friends especially now that it's nice out but that's whatever. I gotta keep telling myself that I can use that to my advantage. Everything has it's plus and minuses.. I need to believe that but.,... all humans need to be social to some degree.
and I truly need to block everything out to get ahead on my path... do worry about who's doing what... or who's going where... or what you are lacking... Much like when I used to walk really long distances... I'd keep going. Why? because I wanted what I wanted and I knew I was the only one who could do it for me. Funny how when I was younger I understood that more and I worked with it more..
But back then it was more of a coping mechanism. Because I feel that when the initial shocks of my family fall outs settled I let those thoughts go, or at least grow soft. I'm slowly uncovering those shards... and those brought a sense of strength and obliviousness to me that attracted people to me... because I didn't really care about the rest of the world... I just did what I liked and I liked what I did... But when I really started to "fit in"... I lost my fight a bit. I gave my all to my friends at the time. I still would in all honestly... but I need to come first nowadays... because I have goals I musn't let be tampered with... I've done my math and heard that for successful people being selfish in some matters is perfectly normal. Makes sense, like if someone makes food and you won't eat it because you're watching your waist... might hurt them... but you have your own agenda... they'll get over it... but if you have that food... it'll probably leave a problem in your head for longer than it would that person you said no to.
Holding ground... If I really want this I can't be wishy washy.
It's sunny, the sky is blue, and I have ideas.
The ideas I have include further sprucing up my little "office" By adding some bright colors for some color psychology if you will.
I want to make sure to try different colors of bright poster boards and see how that goes.
But it should definitely help to improve things I believe.
I am a little back and forth.. off topic with any one thought.
That much is apparent.
But I have energy! So yeah!
I think as a plan D. I will try and do overnights.
I really want a job that involves moving. Which is funny because what I ultimately want to do is sit a desk and point and click and type away all day. BUT! While venting and creating. Pretty different from the average office job.
If I don not find something by the end of wither this month or next. I will be nightshift bound... and if it becomes a problem this time around then I will just need to fix it.
I realize one of the reasons as to why I am a little bummed lately... it's the dumb friend thing. I want to have friends especially now that it's nice out but that's whatever. I gotta keep telling myself that I can use that to my advantage. Everything has it's plus and minuses.. I need to believe that but.,... all humans need to be social to some degree.
and I truly need to block everything out to get ahead on my path... do worry about who's doing what... or who's going where... or what you are lacking... Much like when I used to walk really long distances... I'd keep going. Why? because I wanted what I wanted and I knew I was the only one who could do it for me. Funny how when I was younger I understood that more and I worked with it more..
But back then it was more of a coping mechanism. Because I feel that when the initial shocks of my family fall outs settled I let those thoughts go, or at least grow soft. I'm slowly uncovering those shards... and those brought a sense of strength and obliviousness to me that attracted people to me... because I didn't really care about the rest of the world... I just did what I liked and I liked what I did... But when I really started to "fit in"... I lost my fight a bit. I gave my all to my friends at the time. I still would in all honestly... but I need to come first nowadays... because I have goals I musn't let be tampered with... I've done my math and heard that for successful people being selfish in some matters is perfectly normal. Makes sense, like if someone makes food and you won't eat it because you're watching your waist... might hurt them... but you have your own agenda... they'll get over it... but if you have that food... it'll probably leave a problem in your head for longer than it would that person you said no to.
Holding ground... If I really want this I can't be wishy washy.
Friday, April 10, 2015
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Monday, April 6, 2015
Thursday, April 2, 2015
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