I've been getting the itch to do this. to willingly type up a blog. I try to do this more fluently, but only really succeed when I seem to be dealing with... stuff. But that's one of the major reasons this thing exists in the first place. So, as I might, or might not have said before I started a new medication. It's interesting... I'm not sure if that is interesting-good, or interesting-bad yet. All I know is I've been feeling like I'm on a boat, I'm fine... the weather (Latuda) is the changing factor. When I first started it, taking it in the morning I felt fine.... as long as I was lying down that is. So now I take it at night, when it's for all intents and purposes fine to be dizzy (if ever there is an okay time for that). I keep spacing out writing this as it is. If my grammar/ anything else sucks in this journal that's why. Let's keep moving. Anyways.... some things that I have noticed is that if I keep downing water... the remaining dizziness turns into energy.... but it's a mind game really. Because I feel like I'm moving sometimes when I'm not. I have to really pay attention to my hands sometimes because after moving... it feels like they could still be moving so if I stare at them for a minute, I know they're still. This is the first antidepressant that's had any oddball side effects. But as odd as it sounds... I kind of like them. When I can throw a harness on them, I feel fantastic and I can use it as energy... but when I can't my concentration suffers and it takes what feels like forever to get certain tasks done.
The switch to the medicine was meant to help be a stronger support for the coming months, as I also have Seasonal disorder. A lot of the depression can be thwarted by avoiding vices one has when depressed... My go to "drugs" are usually food and porn. Because much like drugs, they're fast and easy. But much like the illegal stuff they have their consequences. It all leads into a circle of self defeat. Over eating and over beating have no benefits except for ease and temporary appeasement. But that's what one turns to in moments of discomfort... things to kill the pain. When in reality the things that will kill the pain are opposite the actions you'd generally carry out. It's hard to do after a point because the negativity becomes habit. I'm by far not as down as I could be... not at all, I've been waking up at the same time, and working out everyday. But I do keep slipping on the food. I even managed to stop the other... that one was one hell of a mental pollutant. Even now I have to keep trying to face forward and not think about it.
Back to the medicine though,.. it's really just kind of a wild card I guess. I'll keep taking it and report how I feel to the doc. I'm not sure if the things are good or bad... Neither? Both? *shrug* What I can say for certain is that I'm not giving up. My emotions are wishing and washing from... I'm alone, to so what if I am. infinite tug of wars... But again... I'm finding squares of solace in the insanity. I learn things from the curses and praises, and the doubt and confidence.
Speaking of extremes... I'm so proud of myself for marching on with things. (not suicidal to clarify). I'm proud that I've been dragging my wheels across the ground when they don't want to turn. Very little has been appealing to me... or even seemingly attainable. I'll think of something I'd normally be giddy about and... nothing... try another? Mild interest. I feel like I want to do nothing a lot of the time... but then when I cave I'm tormented by the things I want to/ need to/ could be accomplishing. Then, there're the distractions. Kind of like the "drugs" of eating and hand dating, I've found things that require little to no thought with all of the zone out factors present. Phone games, and the music app on my phone... I can get lost in either for a good hour easy before I even realize an hour has gone... then I'll tell myself I can stop.... tsk tsk. I'm having to be very mindful of where I step in every direction... I keep myself out of the kitchen when it's not time for a meal, I have to hold off from seconds... As for the phone apps... I have to keep myself in the mindset that I don't have one of these fancy phones when I'm working on things. I keep wanting to delete the apps, but I've payed for them. So ignoring them will have to do.
I'm aware that the medicine isn't the only part of maintaining my disorder. But that's one of the things my depression helping me shirk. Ya have to do all of the things Bry, Bry. It may suck that you have to work extra hard to be on the same level of functionality as most. But you do.
After a very long pause. Ta ta. <B
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Monday, December 7, 2015
Forever and roughly 30 Days.
I imagine too much has not been missed ^_^
PAST:
I guess I'll start with Turkey day. It was cool, there's been a lot of meeting with family, which is, as many out there understand both wonderful and draining. Especially because I am fairly introverted and can handle so many people for so long before I want to say so long for awhile and then recharge in secret... Of course that's not too easily understood or acceptable around kids so... Yeah. There were two thanksgivings this year, I had sushi for each of them. How I love the fishy goodness. Ummm I've been rather hermit- ish. as in I haven't much been leaving the house unless necessary... not even going on walks... which I should probably make it a point to try. Cause it's supposed to be good for ya. Oh, and yeah. I recently have come up with the brilliant scheme of going on a juice cleanse... or smoothie diet whatever you wanna call it. There's two things I've noticed... either A: I'm doing it wrong and eating everything at the end of the night... and or B: I am getting the nutrients I need without the helpful hand of satiation. Dangerous mix the two. Because the numbers say one thing and then your stomachs like Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction... angry as fudge. Any who. The Bf and I just went to his sisters on Saturday for his god son's 3rd birthday. It was far more taxing due to both sides of the family being there... because one side has many... MANY offspring. Lemme think how many I know of off the top of my head... There were at least ten mobilized units, and then a larva. Like heated molecules they went in all and every direction, with dizzying speed.
CURRENT(ly):
I have been experiencing technical difficulties so to speak. MY emotions seem to have been processed incorrectly thus, making me haywire. How so? Well, I've been feeling things that I have not in at least.. 2 years... feelings of hopelessness I always envision myself walking about the cold and ice laden streets... or alone in a vast field of ice... just wandering without direction. SAD is a very real aspect of my bipolar, but I'm working to counteract it so that's what matters. I was just added to a new medicine that should helpfully nip things in the arse. I can also tel that things are shoddy due to my voracious urges of late.. and my lethargic impulses to do nothing... want to do something... but nothing seems to have sparked interest... But food... an easy, fix... a drug to take and fall from. But I'm not one hundred percent in the minus, no. All of this stuff is more in the background of my mind than anything else. It's sadly surfacing.., but maybe it needs to ya know? Like a purge... sometimes you just need need a good emotional puke or so, to clear it from your body. Onto the future and things I looking forward to.
SOON:
Well, tomorrow is the first thing. There is a witch meeting tomorrow, and I'll hopefully see a cool cat there, and meet a few others. Day after that, I will try a writing workshop to get some constructive crits. Then Possibly after that is the Boyfriends work party. ... Parties are a bit tricky for me when I want to try and be healthy... For example the birthday party. I managed to say no to the pizza and obligatory cake and I ate only the veggies without dip... Didn't even drink... but that's mainly because they didn't have anything of interest to me. Even then I would have watered it down. But the alcohol helps me cope. Especially right now when I am in the kind of state that I am... Plus there's the fact that, most of the food is crud... so I guess it's a pick your poison situation... Because you're there for quite awhile a lot of the time, and even if you ate prior... chances are your stomach will scowl with hatred.
Then maybe Saturday, we'll see my bf's, and I's friend and maybe do the zoo light... thing. The following week is kind of recovery thus far... as there is not too much that's going on. There is rumor of a party that we're invited to... but these parties are kind of... mentioned on pretty short notice... I'm assuming it'll be that weekend. And then Christmas with both sides of the family. Should be really cute! UGH I know I was just complaining about poor eating choices.. but I really do want to have the coffee drink of the season...A.K.A. as the peppermint Mocha... and not just from anywhere... but probably S-Bux... THE ONLY reason is because their syrups are superior... The other coffee places I've had just don't do it for me! ... OOO haven't been to B-24's in a spell. Maybe I'll try them! It is rather cozy there around this time. Well, that's it for now! Hopefully I'll post more fluently... (and didn't use all of brain writing this up)
SEEYA! <B
PAST:
I guess I'll start with Turkey day. It was cool, there's been a lot of meeting with family, which is, as many out there understand both wonderful and draining. Especially because I am fairly introverted and can handle so many people for so long before I want to say so long for awhile and then recharge in secret... Of course that's not too easily understood or acceptable around kids so... Yeah. There were two thanksgivings this year, I had sushi for each of them. How I love the fishy goodness. Ummm I've been rather hermit- ish. as in I haven't much been leaving the house unless necessary... not even going on walks... which I should probably make it a point to try. Cause it's supposed to be good for ya. Oh, and yeah. I recently have come up with the brilliant scheme of going on a juice cleanse... or smoothie diet whatever you wanna call it. There's two things I've noticed... either A: I'm doing it wrong and eating everything at the end of the night... and or B: I am getting the nutrients I need without the helpful hand of satiation. Dangerous mix the two. Because the numbers say one thing and then your stomachs like Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction... angry as fudge. Any who. The Bf and I just went to his sisters on Saturday for his god son's 3rd birthday. It was far more taxing due to both sides of the family being there... because one side has many... MANY offspring. Lemme think how many I know of off the top of my head... There were at least ten mobilized units, and then a larva. Like heated molecules they went in all and every direction, with dizzying speed.
CURRENT(ly):
I have been experiencing technical difficulties so to speak. MY emotions seem to have been processed incorrectly thus, making me haywire. How so? Well, I've been feeling things that I have not in at least.. 2 years... feelings of hopelessness I always envision myself walking about the cold and ice laden streets... or alone in a vast field of ice... just wandering without direction. SAD is a very real aspect of my bipolar, but I'm working to counteract it so that's what matters. I was just added to a new medicine that should helpfully nip things in the arse. I can also tel that things are shoddy due to my voracious urges of late.. and my lethargic impulses to do nothing... want to do something... but nothing seems to have sparked interest... But food... an easy, fix... a drug to take and fall from. But I'm not one hundred percent in the minus, no. All of this stuff is more in the background of my mind than anything else. It's sadly surfacing.., but maybe it needs to ya know? Like a purge... sometimes you just need need a good emotional puke or so, to clear it from your body. Onto the future and things I looking forward to.
SOON:
Well, tomorrow is the first thing. There is a witch meeting tomorrow, and I'll hopefully see a cool cat there, and meet a few others. Day after that, I will try a writing workshop to get some constructive crits. Then Possibly after that is the Boyfriends work party. ... Parties are a bit tricky for me when I want to try and be healthy... For example the birthday party. I managed to say no to the pizza and obligatory cake and I ate only the veggies without dip... Didn't even drink... but that's mainly because they didn't have anything of interest to me. Even then I would have watered it down. But the alcohol helps me cope. Especially right now when I am in the kind of state that I am... Plus there's the fact that, most of the food is crud... so I guess it's a pick your poison situation... Because you're there for quite awhile a lot of the time, and even if you ate prior... chances are your stomach will scowl with hatred.
Then maybe Saturday, we'll see my bf's, and I's friend and maybe do the zoo light... thing. The following week is kind of recovery thus far... as there is not too much that's going on. There is rumor of a party that we're invited to... but these parties are kind of... mentioned on pretty short notice... I'm assuming it'll be that weekend. And then Christmas with both sides of the family. Should be really cute! UGH I know I was just complaining about poor eating choices.. but I really do want to have the coffee drink of the season...A.K.A. as the peppermint Mocha... and not just from anywhere... but probably S-Bux... THE ONLY reason is because their syrups are superior... The other coffee places I've had just don't do it for me! ... OOO haven't been to B-24's in a spell. Maybe I'll try them! It is rather cozy there around this time. Well, that's it for now! Hopefully I'll post more fluently... (and didn't use all of brain writing this up)
SEEYA! <B
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