I've been getting the itch to do this. to willingly type up a blog. I try to do this more fluently, but only really succeed when I seem to be dealing with... stuff. But that's one of the major reasons this thing exists in the first place. So, as I might, or might not have said before I started a new medication. It's interesting... I'm not sure if that is interesting-good, or interesting-bad yet. All I know is I've been feeling like I'm on a boat, I'm fine... the weather (Latuda) is the changing factor. When I first started it, taking it in the morning I felt fine.... as long as I was lying down that is. So now I take it at night, when it's for all intents and purposes fine to be dizzy (if ever there is an okay time for that). I keep spacing out writing this as it is. If my grammar/ anything else sucks in this journal that's why. Let's keep moving. Anyways.... some things that I have noticed is that if I keep downing water... the remaining dizziness turns into energy.... but it's a mind game really. Because I feel like I'm moving sometimes when I'm not. I have to really pay attention to my hands sometimes because after moving... it feels like they could still be moving so if I stare at them for a minute, I know they're still. This is the first antidepressant that's had any oddball side effects. But as odd as it sounds... I kind of like them. When I can throw a harness on them, I feel fantastic and I can use it as energy... but when I can't my concentration suffers and it takes what feels like forever to get certain tasks done.
The switch to the medicine was meant to help be a stronger support for the coming months, as I also have Seasonal disorder. A lot of the depression can be thwarted by avoiding vices one has when depressed... My go to "drugs" are usually food and porn. Because much like drugs, they're fast and easy. But much like the illegal stuff they have their consequences. It all leads into a circle of self defeat. Over eating and over beating have no benefits except for ease and temporary appeasement. But that's what one turns to in moments of discomfort... things to kill the pain. When in reality the things that will kill the pain are opposite the actions you'd generally carry out. It's hard to do after a point because the negativity becomes habit. I'm by far not as down as I could be... not at all, I've been waking up at the same time, and working out everyday. But I do keep slipping on the food. I even managed to stop the other... that one was one hell of a mental pollutant. Even now I have to keep trying to face forward and not think about it.
Back to the medicine though,.. it's really just kind of a wild card I guess. I'll keep taking it and report how I feel to the doc. I'm not sure if the things are good or bad... Neither? Both? *shrug* What I can say for certain is that I'm not giving up. My emotions are wishing and washing from... I'm alone, to so what if I am. infinite tug of wars... But again... I'm finding squares of solace in the insanity. I learn things from the curses and praises, and the doubt and confidence.
Speaking of extremes... I'm so proud of myself for marching on with things. (not suicidal to clarify). I'm proud that I've been dragging my wheels across the ground when they don't want to turn. Very little has been appealing to me... or even seemingly attainable. I'll think of something I'd normally be giddy about and... nothing... try another? Mild interest. I feel like I want to do nothing a lot of the time... but then when I cave I'm tormented by the things I want to/ need to/ could be accomplishing. Then, there're the distractions. Kind of like the "drugs" of eating and hand dating, I've found things that require little to no thought with all of the zone out factors present. Phone games, and the music app on my phone... I can get lost in either for a good hour easy before I even realize an hour has gone... then I'll tell myself I can stop.... tsk tsk. I'm having to be very mindful of where I step in every direction... I keep myself out of the kitchen when it's not time for a meal, I have to hold off from seconds... As for the phone apps... I have to keep myself in the mindset that I don't have one of these fancy phones when I'm working on things. I keep wanting to delete the apps, but I've payed for them. So ignoring them will have to do.
I'm aware that the medicine isn't the only part of maintaining my disorder. But that's one of the things my depression helping me shirk. Ya have to do all of the things Bry, Bry. It may suck that you have to work extra hard to be on the same level of functionality as most. But you do.
After a very long pause. Ta ta. <B
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