Yay or something?

Yeah, didn't even really notice that I have over 100 blogs now. Good to know.

The first week or so of starting back on with anything can be way hard especially the first 3 days to a week. With me I'm talking about eating and sleeping the way I need to be. I keep on challenging these things... wanting to live like others my age... eating whatever, sleeping whenever... but they bear consequence for me... more so than what they do for the average. Yesterday... when I felt the need to throw my hands up and say how much I was done with everything. I decided that I would look for answers... If I mentioned this mental fogginess... well, that is a symptom of bipolar... While I don't let it define me... or try not to. I do acknowledge it's very real presence...

I was curious about 2 things when I searched.... The first being if Bipolar people have a hard time concentrating.... The answer was yes on both the manic, and depressive states... both for different reasons... In manic, because it kind of emulates ADHD... in depressive, because there is a lack of interest and or restlessness.

The second, was that of my earlier mentioned fogginess... This is something that happens very frequently at times and others not so much... a lot lately though... and a lot through school both high school and college. This fogginess can range in meaning and form. Sometimes, for me, it means... stalling ... mentally trying to figure out what to say with very simple things and either getting so distracted by the slightest things going on around me or, forgetting in general. I read that in a bipolar persons mind that there is evidence in parts of the brain reacting differently. (what a shock? ;p) It says that it affects their executive functions, as well as makes it hard for them to learn and maintain new knowledge as fast as others... makes a lot of sense to me as I am the type who has to learn through repetition. I mean that's how you get better at things right? Yeah, But I need to be told repeatedly sometimes... The people who don't understand that you have a disorder... look at you with skeptic eyes... even if you were to tell them... it's not like they could ever "get it". So, now that I myself know about having this within me... Yeah, I'll share it.. it's a part of me! I'll share it with employers, it is actually listed as a valid disability, and even on some of the applications I've filled out it listed some .  .
But this usually gets the worst for me when I can feel my gut... When I feel it folded up like a fleshy accordion between my lap and my chest... When I like how I look, I like how I feel and it carries into everything else... this might be why one of the things that they tell bipolar people to avoid is sugar... and eat right. Those things in general will help anybody but it's pretty detrimental to bipolar folk... I keep getting to that happy point where I like everything, I like my body, I like how I'm being social, and I feel super intense (maybe manic maybe not.), and then I decide that I want to stay up late, eat candy, not even try what I want to do (sound stuff)... and let myself down like that.

But as I said yesterday, I am proud that I have not let this become as strong as it has in the past... No, I'm still working out and waking up at the same time, now I just need to get the other two points back in order and I should be on my way. I need to watch what and how much of it I eat, and make sure i go to bed at the right time every night. Another way I'm happy to say that I'm not giving up in is that I'm looking for jobs every day. even if it's just a half hour in the least. Yesterday I spent 2 hours, 1 of which was 1 application but still. I don't necessarily remember what it was for ... Oh, yeah it was for Khol's night stock. I want night stock because I think in a lot of ways it would be good for me. The only thing that might be harmful is messing with the sleep schedule. I have to see both my prescription doctor and my case worker on the 27th? I think, somewhere at the end of the month. So, I'll be relaying as much of this to her as I can... it might be time to turn back counseling already... I give it 3 months... 3 months with a fixed diet, and schedule and see where things go from there... <B