3 months

Yeah, that's seriously the best that I have in terms of creativity. That title sucks, pardon it please?


But anyways at the time of my writing this we stand 3 months from my favorite day. I'm not sure if I've expressed this, but as I grow a bit more refined in my taste and what not. I am slowly gravitating more towards savoring the anticipation of the day itself.

What does this mean? Well, it's pretty much as it sounds... I'm looking forward to looking forward to the greatest day of the year. Not only is is my favorite but it is the gateway to my my other two favorite holidays: X-mas and Saint Patrick's day.

I love living in the anticipation of it, rather than the day itself being at hand. If anything I often times feel myself to be slightly depressed the day of Halloween itself, because I know I'll have to wait AGAIN!

Why do I even like the day so much? I can't really explain it without a comparison. To me it's much like a comfort food, a security blanket, and mental vacation all in one. Knowing what those things are and their purposes should help to better define what it is to me. Also, most everyone has that one defining thing about them that they are known for. I'd like to think that I have adopted a holiday as my 'persona'.

As I've aged... I've started accepting my quirks. That's not to say that I'm still not sensitive. I am, that's just one facet of myself  that makes me, me. But rather than necessarily feeling paranoid about reacting or responding to something in a way that reflects my personality I am more proud to let people know about my interest.

This time around I feel like I understand that I am "different" and the likelihood of that ever changing is very insignificant. I accept that just as I can't understand why people would vote for the current president, or support guns, or try to overbear and control the lives of others... that those people most likely can't understand why I love a childish holiday to the extent that I do, why I love music that isn't kind to the general public's ears, and why I don't abide by other imperative norms.

But I have to be myself and stay true to it as much as possible no matter the dislike that it may or may not foster. I know that for the most part I am a very niche character (I might even type-cast myself a bit) and that I will have more frequent disagreements than most.

The pay off to this is: less self resentment, and allowing those who will appreciate me to find me. Most every star (especially of the more bizarre variety) just did as they needed and felt.

I once heard that as a person, most people's personalities have solidified by the end of their twenties, and I would agree with this on a personal level.



ONE A LESS DEEP NOTE!

I finished up the summer semester as of 2 weeks ago. I survived both with scary results... AA!
Haha, fooled ya. I got an A in the both of the couple of courses I took. In one, a solid A, and the other an A-. I was stunned by that last one, I swore that I would have gotten a B at best. but yeah! pulled it off!

Just last week I met with my new counselor... honestly I think that what I will have to (and should do) is switch counselors every 3 years, unless results are markedly presented.

Okay, 30 minute timer is up, that's all for right now. I'll attempt this more frequently, but now I'll just say: No promises.

Take it easy!

4NiK8

FOUR-NICK-EIGHT hahahaha!

Okay, okay, back to business! Making up for lost time indeed... indeed. Like my redundant wording? I don't let's stop that -make me!

So I believe I was going to express the addictions in better depth huh? Well, as I have said I have managed to avoid my hand giving me fellatio for almost 2 whole weeks! That is a mile stone if ever there was one. I have not watched porn... in the traditional sense.

You see, when you have an addiction it's mostly mental. Chemical shifts and the like (for me this is something I can physically feel churning about in my frontal lobe. It simultaneously saps my energy and I am left with 3 options. 1.) I can take the old stick shift for a drive. Get the adrenaline pumping hardcore this is to avoid the sleepiness. Tricky no? 2.) I can eat to battle the mental fog- Which leads to over-eating and or eating mass quantities of food. For those of you who know me and are rolling your eyes... Stop it because this is something that is real. Just because I am not morbidly obese does not mean I don't have a problem with food. Eating 3 bags of sand which cookies over the span of a weekend is not cool. Especially when those 3 individual bags are devoured in 3 individual sittings. This makes me feel gross and in turn leads my hand to the appendage of love... omg that's terrible. Once this cycle has completed itself it's worked! No longer tired... Just guilt laden and resistant to do anything else the rest of the day. Finally 3.) I can avoid either by taking a nap. Makes sense right? Give the brain what it's asking for!

I've been taking naps and I've been seeing a veer away from my self-destructive habits.
It's seemingly working. Not only do I feel a lot better, but I am more focused etc. It makes sense to take a detour if it's going to aid in the overall scheme of things.

That being said, I need to try and see the entire picture. I need to have an aerial view of things.
I'll give an example.
A couple of months ago I was watching the news. I heard about some sort of ultimatum involving a little hole in the ground. The way they presented their options were the only ways possible: they could fix it quickly and cheaply saving the city money or, they could take more money from the city now and efficiently fix the issue. The answer was obvious to me. Yes, I understand that it will suck having raised taxes for a minute. But really... what's worse? The very real threat of the hole spontaneously opening again, and then having to fix it again or paying the money to fix it from the get go.
Better yet, in the long run, you might even be saving money, it's just a matter of impatience. Because shelling out money in small increments adds up. Might as well save up... put the money out and have everything be A-okay.

SO easy to offer sage thoughts when it's not your choice.

Anyways, back to porn. So, addictions are a bit funny. Even if you stop the intended habit of online pornography (again 12 days clean) you're brain will offer up alternatives - much like someone who's on a diet rationalizes drinking a six pack of soda to one regular sugar because "it's healthy". Convincing, but false. Tempting but devilish. My mind has been like... look up nude art on amazon, that's not "bad" is it? If I can feel the aforementioned chemical shift in my head... then yeah, I must say no. I even considered doing something sketchy... attaining my smut the old fashioned way...
Yup, the liquor store baby. The smut laden, sobriety smashing, powerhouse of questionable wares.
Luckily for me I had a few deterrents.

1. It was like 10 am...
2. I don't want to be perceived as a smoker.
3. I don't want to be perceived as an alcoholic. Which, I totally would visiting one at such an early time of day.

Needless to say I've been having to avoid the web for the most part... at least for awhile. I know this sounds 'crazy' if you can't comprehend it. But it's completely logical. What do you do with a child if they can't handle something? You take it away don't you? Even for a little bit?
As I have said earlier, yeah I'll use the web sparingly. But not for idle searching... it's just too much. I get lost. I have an addictive personality and can easily get lost for hours in the most trivial of affairs.

I'm trying to dial back to the 90's in a way you might say. Personally I didn't really have the internet in the 2000's. I did but in very brief moments. If I wanted the internet I had to go to the library or visit a friend. Shit, that sounds so much like: "back in my day"... that's exactly what it is. Whatever. When I didn't have the internet I was forced to be a bit more creative. More focused and well, find stuff to do. I most certainly wrote the most back then. To the slightest degree I may have even been happier. It's when myspace struck that added facets were added. Some good, Some bad.

Point is, excess seems to be becoming more and more available for everything. Some people need to live a little bit simpler. As long as it helps me foster happiness I'm fine with that.

Btw, it's 70 degrees out right now. Hope you get to- or were able to enjoy it.

In a blogger account far, far away.

Greetings anyone who should stumble upon this modest text. How have you been? Ya look great!

So. I can't recall what I last spoke about, nor can I recall on which platform it was published. All I know is I have a handful of unpublished audio journals that the SoundCloud app would not upload for some reason. So let's start anew shall we?

The new year's begun! It's been pretty stellar with the exception of the wicked wizard of Washington and his flying monkeys. Anyways! I'm about 2/3 of the way through this semester and have maintained A's thus far! The classes aren't tough though, so a feat this it not- but happy, I am!

Enough Yoda talk.

I've had a handful of 'meant to be' moments already. And I've discovered some fun facts about myself. Such as, My blind taste testing of college courses won't totally go to waste. The way I've discussed it with the school advisor I'll be transferring to the University with 3 associates degrees.  One is in Occupational studies, one is in liberal arts, and the other (which aligns with my path) is in social work. My associates from my current school will transfer and account for at least half of my bachelors at University. It's really quite exciting. I want it, I can feel it in me. This is achievable and my heart gravitates towards it.

But then there are the other revelations I've encountered. I have an addictive personality. Food, porn, and spending. Funny thing is these are the most common three, at least the legal ones anyway. And although they are legal that doesn't make them any less threatening or life altering. It aids in spinning a revolving door of confusion. It is dizzying as you can't be one hundred percent sure what are your own actual thoughts sometimes.

I'm taking measures. I'm working on subtracting porn use. Which in turn shrinks, if not kills interest in hand fucking. A little vulgar sure, but no need to sugar coat it. I'm noticing pressure points though.

Think about it in this context: (it's sad but bear with me). If a dog has one leg removed, it's going to put more strength on and perhaps enhance the others.

Come to think of it I could have just as easily produced a hydra metaphor instead of figuratively crippling a real animal. Bastard.

But yeah, on Saturday I will be free a total of two weeks! Of porn that is. Unfortunately it's kind of so bad that I have to restrict my Internet use. No, not with parental controls but by simply not using it... limiting my Internet use to its most basic application: knowledge.

I primarily used it for Facebook and porn. Which, I may be wrong but I feel social media and porn are the most accessed things on the Internet. I cut out Facebook really easy. Simply, I don't need to know about people all day everyday or lose my head in it.

Anyways I'm sure there's more worth mentioning, but I'll take to that later hopefully. Now that I am using the app I don't necessarily have an excuse not to lol.

Have a Happy Thursday!

For all of the gentle children

That sounds really bad 0.o

But it, like any other title in this thing hardly relates to the subject. What's been up? Or what's been down. I think it's fairly easy to see thus far the type of mood I'm in from this writing. I like to think I have a pretty clear tone that carries as I write. BUUUUT that's just me. So I've been doing the job hunt thingy. I've had two, count'em two interviews and both of them went well enough. I'm 50/50 that either one of them will grant me a position. One gave me the background check paperwork to fill out... so perhaps that one is a sign? And then the other was supposed to get back with me about a second interview that I have not heard anything about yet... The last communication was almost a week ago... so .... yeah.I'm patiently waiting for them, I have another interview a week from now for a receptionist position at the Aveda school, So, My method of handling this is I'm going to ride out the rest of the month working with these three places and see if anyone bites. and if so. Who? I'll say I am proud that all of the places I have gotten the interviews at, are places that I didn't "settle for". That is extremely helpful to my ego and self esteem. Every job I've had is a job I've "taken". rather than granted. Meaning that I have not had a job that I have been thankful for, other than for the fact that it provided a paycheck. This time I'm attacking the places that I have an interest in first. Which... again for me is good. I perform better the more I care about things.

Other than that, I still have my work services running in the background keeping eyes and ears out for me as well. Which is all the more helpful in finding something that would be a good match. Admittedly I threw out some good opportunities... Jobs I didn't give an honest try. Jobs I was just too scared to attempt. And most importantly jobs I wanted. I'm making it a point to tackle things this year and make bigger risks. I am growing fond of the phrase : "The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward" Unless of course what you're doing is illegal and then it'd be the bigger the punishment.... call it a wild guess.

I'm trying very hard to curtail my bad habits and fortify the good ones. For instance, I'm trying to stop eating so much... and or so many bad things and working more toward my goals. the main 3 being: Finding work, getting my driver's license and getting all of my poetry into the cloud... and then saving it on several things because I'm paranoid like that. Yesterday was perfect!

I guess I just want to go over that a little  bit. Yesterday, that is... At first I felt that I was wasting the day... and then I was at some point because I kept fighting myself about leaving... making the excuse that it's too cold... or this or that. I ended up going and was super glad that I had. I got 2.5 hours straight of typing in my poems. It's a weird little thing that I've noticed... but many times when I've been out and about I tend to do my work... or focus better. It's almost as if I'm showing off... or that I'd feel lazy if I were doing nothing in a public setting. Or it could just be that energy I'm a vampire to. I absorb the city vibes... the feeling of productivity if intoxicating even when I myself am not. I love the city feel for this reason. And I think this is why I couldn't live in the country or, at least not in this point in my life. But then it came to getting home, Famished as I was, I didn't devour everything. I knew I had only eaten 1/3 of my calories so I caught up. I didn't go over them. Good job. And then... it got late... I was bored and watching youtube which for odd reasons makes me want to eat. I ignored it by window shopping on Amazon. Which worked quite nicely actually. there were things I kept on wanting to get but they weren't good enough in my mind to justify actually buying.

Well... I think that is all for now. <B

aqua marine tangerine magenta!

It's been a while so let's add some color to the scene.

PAST: Over and over, there's again not too too much going on. Just the same ol' same. But the Race at turtle was awesome! with the exception of two things. It was raining and windy, and I didn't want to stay because of that. I mean what's the point really of staying at the nudist resort if you can't go outside legally. So I went home. But while I was there I gave it my all! I ran against 66 others finishing the 5k at 21 minutes! This landed me in 2nd place for my age division, and 6th place overall! awesome. Same night I ate, a whole thing of ice cream... and then a pint of another... sheeesh... I'm like a shark... once I get sugar in my hands it's like a feeding frenzy.

CURRENTLY: I am chilling out... chilling being a very literal word. as it's super cold in here! I might open things up a bit. But okay, today is my change day / clean day.../ arrange and organize things day... My experience is that this is usually split up into 2 days... one where I clean and organize and then where I handle all the rest! So maybe starting this o the second to last of the month is best then. I have recently begun my quest to stop the use of sauces. Or, at least when at home. I've almost been a month free of ketchup not even the tiniest drop. There's a whole untouched 4 lb bottle of it in the fridge too. I came to the conclusion that it was allowing me to overeat, because I was mainly in it for whatever sauce I was eating at the time. It will help me to get a little bit more creative with spices and stuff now. Just by cutting out sauce I am reducing a lot of calories, and sugars and of course SODIUM. Doing this will also help me to feel better about the times that I digress from the path of healthiness. Not erase guilt completely but ease it nonetheless.

FUTURE: in the immediate future A.K.A. this week, We're doing the camping thing! Actually really excited. I've already kind of figured out how to eat and what not. I'm always stressing this. It's very important for bipolar people to have control and feel that they have said control and keep it. Or... ugliness seeps out. But yeah, I'm not going to drink or have the obligatory smores. Though I may want to do both, I will be doing guilty pleasures I don't normally take part in anyways...can't over do it. Like instead of drinking I might get some redbulls and or monsters. They do about the same thing, give you this high make ya act all crazy etc. Check out the town etc, and maybe see my uncle and his partner there. We also bought a couple of our own fireworks. This fourth of July might just be the very best I've had. Time will tell!

Gotta get back to the other tasks now.! <B

Rhinoceros Pudding

Trust me, you don't want any... >_>

It's been a minute since I have (successfully) done any sort of posting. I have tried to have videos a couple of days in a row now and have had to abandon them because youtube has been taking FOREVER to upload them. No, matter here's what's been going down.


PAST: I do not know where I left off really in terms of things so, I'll start off with the last staple if you will. I saw mom for her birthday. It was a good time, got her out of the house and to see a lot of things downtown and the movie spy with Melissa McCarthy. Which had dick in it... like front and center stuff... awkward.... But yeah. The second cake turned out way better than I had thought, especially in regard to the added candy melt coating under the frosting... LOVED IT. But I think I was more fond of it than mom or the boyfriend and thus I ate nearly 6/8 of it. *shrugs* trying to be better about things now.

I've not had a drop of ketchup in about 2 weeks I'm proud to say... But I've been eating spaghetti sauce. One vice for another I suppose. Because in the last 11 days I've eaten 10.5 lbs of sauce... heh ^_^*.... but I plan to try and stop sauces sooner or later as they add so much more to what I've eaten for the day... especially in the way that I drown my food in condiment of choice.

Started counseling, that's pretty neato. I like the counselor I think we're a good team thus far... I don't feel hated surprisingly. The place I'm going to for this is actually kind of religious I found out later... Hehe I just had to auto correct religious... that's how much I type that word... But yeah it's working out great so far.

Lastly, I just got back from seeing the psychiatrist today, and we think that some changes in meds might be in order due to fluctuations and such. She basically told me that that my current medication is acting as a bumper to keep me balanced between manic and depressed... and while I've still been getting both of these, she said that if I was to not be taking anything that the highs and lows would be even higher and even lower... NOPE! So the plan is to up the dosage from 200 mg to 300 mg for 2 weeks and see what that looks like. We might even need to add on a little extra.

CURRENTLY: I'm sitting at my desk uncomfortably shifting back and forth to not feel like my gut is jutting out. Of course I am also typing this. Thinking about all of the awesome walking I have been doing lately... It's not really doing anything... but it somehow gives me  a sense of accomplishment. I got home... I cleaned the kitchen... I watered the plant... Doing this... Want to check out my little alter boy... HEY PERV it's not as it sounds, it's a Vocoder (voice modulating plugin) ' for Fl Studio... do a little prodding around for potential work, and look into the secret shopping biz with my BF sometime this weekend hopefully. I might not get to all of the rest of the stuff today but we'll see. I'm glad that I am in just such a productive and happy mood.  ANNNDDDD 808 (a type of 80's drum machine) roll! THE NEW CELLDWELLER CHAPTER 4 :"DEATH" is coming out on the 17th of next month! yes, the conclusion but not the end of the album.

FUTURE!!!: This weekend is one of the biggest staples of the summer for me... Actually even the year!

• THE TURTLE RACE 6/27/15
• FULL MOON 07/01/15
• CAMPING! 07/03 - 07/05
• INVADER ZIM COMIC 07/08/15

I've got a couple further out but I'll save them for a little later.

Yes, just a brief word on camping. Never have. Should be interesting. I get a hatchet... bear with me I'll have adult supervision. I'm also excited about burnt food, and exploding things (Fourth Of July)... It's gonna be at a very gay area... I'm sure I'll be hearing the obligatory "Firework" by Katy Perry ... That'll probably be the worst part of it. :D

<B

sweaty hands of the century

I must have a sugar "thing" lol

Because I get really warm after sugar nowadays, as well sweaty hands, and just overall icky... so after this bday for mom. no no. I've already gone without ketchup for a week now, and haee not been putting anything on some of my food as unbelievable as that may seem. Now, back to the task at hand ^-^.

PAST: SOOOOOO, I've been what I am assuming to be a manic phase... either that or I am genuinely happy? i dunno something of that nature. But yeah, I've had a couple of sugary days... but surprisingly the day that messed with me a little bit was yesterday when I had eaten (what I think is a lot) after making an hour and a half commute on foot. I was starving. but yeah that's all I'll say about that annoyed a lil it's whatever. Yesterday I got to go to the counselor and meet him... It was a very cool experience and I like the atmosphere for the most part. I met a woman with adorable baby girl. I actually told the mother how cute she was... which surprised me... If there were two of me at that moment... the other wouldn't have sat there with a blank stare and slackened jaw upon seeing this. But it did... and I spoke to the lady all the way up to my appointment. When They left the little one enthusiastically sprung her arm back and forth to say goodbye! awwww. Moments like that make me like people.

CURRENT: is something that most bodies of water have.. see what... I did there?!? But really though, that what they call like the waves and stuff. But for really, really, really, realz , I'm waiting on fish sticks to be done baking. I baked and decorated the cake today... round one was awful.. But this one I'm mostly pleased with for having no skills in this situation. whoa! eating rice really just make you feel full... puh! (I took a break between writing). But yeah, now I'm typing this up before walking on the treadmill a little bit. Then looking at the jobs, then looking at the secret shopping in more detail, and then sound stuff if I'm not feeling dead like I usually do, come 4pm. for some reason.

FUTURE: I realize I might be repeating myself but oh well. I can say what I Want to. Mom's Bday is this weekend we'll be picking her up tomorrow and having her over till sunday morning. Should be fun . And then next weekend one of the top 5 things I have been looking forward to is happening. 5k! I was ready for it ever since the last one ended. The energy, the weather,. I have actually been preparing this time though, so maybe I won't almost pass out. I'm not counting on winning necessarily, I am however counting on just doing my personal best .under 20 minutes hopefully. 10mph on the treadmill is a little taxing. But not as horrible now that I've gone to doing the more intense runs every other day, so my legs are stronger and I'm less tired. OOOO and camping might happen. That could be fun! Fires, and maybe a hatchet... that sounds... a little crazy. 0_o

CURIOSITY: I have been fascinated as to why being heavier makes you look older? I wonder what the scientific view is on that. If there is one.

Welp, that's it for now. better I made this as a text entry today anyway as it'll upload directly.

<B

a thousand times yes

PAST: This weekend The BF and I went to downtown Plymouth to see what was out there! It was really cool! Really busy and alive... didn't seem like Michigan at all really. I tried some candy I never had, and went to a blossoming young comic shop called Blaze-Thru comics, the owner was pretty awesome!

CURRENTLY: Still watching the dogs witch has been pretty good! the best time so far I think. I've still not started the day fully. I've been looking up new music (Blanck Mass) and looking into what exactly Hedonism, paganism, and Wiccan are. I actually Identify with all of the above. It's really cool.

FUTURE: Upon looking up this stuff I found an event I've been curious about for a few months happening tomorrow for witches. A sign? Maybe :). Then a possible wedding thing this weekend, nd then mom's b-day the following, and then the race the weekend after that... It's weird that June has been the busiest month .

FEELING: in between slackerish, and excited from all of the new information I've picked up. I feel like it's kind of late in the day, but I feel better rested I think. I feel pretty awake, And like I have to.... pee... DEATH TO THE UTI!

RANDOM THOUGHT: Kinda, Did you know what Hedonism actually is? It basically means what I have been saying all along about how I believe that life is about seeking out the most pleasure usually by the five senses, and as long as it is not harming anyone else. I've always felt this. So it holds happiness in the highest of regards essentially. Good stuff>

WORK: None to be found still... the leads grow smaller , my searches are quicker... I don't want to settle but I also do not want to fail at my next job... I have to call my caseworker. and see if the job rehab thing will be a good thing to do. I don't know if I need her but assume it's referral based.

SOUNDS: I've been working a lot more. once a day, not as much as I should but that is already better than what I have been doing the last few weeks. I'm learning to be fairly repetitive in songs... Most people like that... I'm also working on learning how to make things blend better and not pop out awkwardly. Learning to compress and equalize can be tedious but it's a (sometimes fun and) necessary evil.

HEALTH: I've been fluctuating in the mood department... as most are aware it's related to my self image. If the image is unsatisfactory, I'm not the funnest. And I've been eating icky things lol. Out of boredom... and to kill time. BUT I have started to write list and and things of that nature... Maybe that can be a cool strategy to help keep me centered everyday. Write a list, about whatever... I find great pleasure in lists and statistics!.

CONFUSED ABOUT: Why I let myself slip up Health wise, when I've been doing my best? It's happened like that a couple times going in circles... Last year I was upwards up till about May, in regards to emotion. In regards to getting things done and HEalthwise, I'd say I starting sliding about... July or August. I don't know, *Shrugs*

Everything in a nutshell with a bag of chips... that was lame for you to read probably as it was for me to type lol. But in the very least if your rolled your eyes... well.. I made you feel something. Have a splendiferous day!   <B

Title (I don't Have one)

Listening to some really intense glitchey music or what is referred to as "dirty" for those who like the type of music.

So, basically been 2 days of trying to upload videos that have not made it up due to their ridiculous wait times. I might have one that I have not posted that made it. Actually I think they both uploaded I just never got to put them on my blog because when said videos finally did make it... I didn't care. In the best way possible I did not care .

 

Moving right along, ^_^ I've decided to start the listing thing again... it's therapeutic it really helps me focus and remember what I need and want to do. I came up with a little formula for the blogs to... Briefly touching base on key points so, her we go!

• CURRENTLY: I am sitting at the boyfriend's sister's house watching the wieners- er dogs... okay, dachshunds, I'll grow up lol. But yeah, that'll be mentioned twice in the videos.. because again.. they got uploaded... but never made it here. I like it... It kind of leaves some of the things on your mind behind if you get away for a few days een if it is somewhere relatively close. A  change of scenery.
•  I FEEL: Pretty damn good actually, I worked out on an elliptical witch actually made me feel out of shape ... it was surprisingly intense. I'm here with two adorable pups... they're adorable now but give them a couple of days hehe. annnnd I made some lists... which as I said help make things better.
• RANDOM THOUGHT: In the shower today I thought to myself that motivation and discouragement...exist together. What I mean is I see a personal relation between them... A lot of the things that motivate me can also, push me back. It is truly about perspective. Because when I feel low... other people's success makes me want to sink and hide... where as when I'm doing okay and doing what I know I need to, it kind of helps me and brings back the curiosity that I so love.
• I'm EXCITED FOR: a  grab bag of random things. My eye doc appointment, mom's Birthday, seeing my old therapist and last... but most.... NAKED 5K! wooo! Told ya, this was going to be a grab bag lol.
• WORK: nothing thus yet... I keep feeling that I am under qualified for jobs... or overqualified for others. The ones that I really want and care to get elude me. All of the night stock jobs have said no, one of the comic places. I'm not giving up and I'm trying not to give in... I want to work smarter not harder. I want to find a job that I will want to work at most days... because if I don't... idk not a good pretender. So, I'm going to do some digging on being a secret shopper. Sounds good to me for the most part, going shopping, giving constructive criticism, I CAN DO THAT... I don't know we'll see. I hope to have something nailed down before the fall. But if not I am fairly confident finding halloween work... will be easy peesy. 
• SOUND STUFF: So, I'm getting better at things, I'm working at things more in this regard. I'd getting a little more repetitive... which for me is good, because I just wanted to start new songs every five seconds in a lot of the songs that I have done prior. I mean it still happens but... I just keep starting new pieces... which is good and bad... I'll just need to try and buckle down on 3 at a time. But yeah, I hope to have at least one piece by august. 
• LET'S GO MENTAL: Health, Let's go... metal... health... get it?!? You're no fun. :P so yeah, it seems to be getting better by going back to a lot of the same things that I was doing last year, working out... eating as best as I can, listing things, researching thoughts feelings and facts to relate myself to the outside world. I still need to find some help... which I have a couple of leads for... one of them I have to wait till September 1st... ew.. I also need to find a place for eating disorders. I don't know that a group setting would be good for me. Especially because I know personally, that I compare... that might not be good for that sort of thing... I found a clinic but that only catered to ages between 8 and 24.... really? 8 years old?? Friggin social media is turning back the dial and raising insecurity levels at even younger age levels.
• THREE THINGS TO SUCCEED AT: Losing the love handles, finding suitable work, and making the 5k in 22 minutes tops. 
• CONFUSION: A nagging thought keeps pulling at my brain... I can't understand how or why everybody on the internet needs to have every type of social media... I've seen some really cool people that I've liked and seemed to be on the same page become this kind of self obsessed being... Not all. There's Gerard way from my Chemical romance who just happens to be the artist I know of that I respect the most... Because he seems very real. He's open about having to take medication for his depression, his weight fluctuations, and he's non- stop on it, always making new stuff. I mean I respect him more so than I  ever thought when I was an angsty teen. But yeah... I just feel like social media puts up a front.. sure nobody wants to see gloom and doom but I personally don't like seeing people I follow self glorify every 5 seconds or so... Whatever have to adapt or fall behind right? Have to evolve in order to go on. I've always been a little archaic. Welp, this is my highly informative entry. 

BYYYEEEYEEE!!!!!! <B

Hyding

Jekyll is elsewhere.

It's been really rough for me the last couple of days....Weeks, But I'm going on... I'm trying to do what's needed and expected of myself. for myself. I am the only one that matters in this regard. I've been feeling a lack of interest with most everything... staying up late... craving things that would make me damn myself at a later time... Yeah I'll go as far to say now that I am in fact depressed... Nothing new... it's the way of things... Regular everyday people get the blues... but it usually takes a lot more for them to get them... the blues that is... and for the most part they seem to be able to patch themselves up rather quickly in comparison... I've always looked at others after the fall and saw them do so... I watched my gaping wounds saturate... and I watched the rest with needle and thread... they heal quite fast... Not fair... but the hand I've been dealt... if I spend the game wishing for a new hand all I'll do is lose right? Right... I've taught myself in the past that it can be so very easy to give into my shadow... to eat all I'll regret... to pardon my eyes from the world for as long as I can... purge my wallet for means of a short lived smile... It's like trying to kill a phantom hunger... you can't touch it but you know it's there... grabbing at your insides making you feel this ill hatred toward yourself... and the world... and how it made you into what you hate... so then you say fuck it all... nothing matters.. I'll lye here and rot... I might have those who care now... I need more... but I'm only as hopeful for that as I am finding god... I'd rather skip the egg hunt. I feel like a vampire.. and not in a fun kind of pretend way... not at all.. the kind that hide from the light... the kind that want to infect... the kind that will bite, but only enter if you invite them... Manners are all they have... bound by something unknown, that keeps them here though they'd rather not be... also feeling an emptiness that is momentarily appeased by the flush of another's life. 

"I hold the whole world accused, and I've only got myself to blame" 

Lyrics I've heard while typing this... Perfect in relation to how I'm feeling... I try to no think of the world beyond... because I don't care to see all of the people and their adventures happening before me. It reminds me of earlier said "missing components". I love this guy.. we are from different cuts of cloth however. When I'm up... he's down... and vice versa... I don't want to sit around all of the time. I'm 25 years old... I'm not the typical 25 year old mind you but I am  still young.... I want to go for walks and I want to feel alive... really much like a vampire I seek other people to sustain me... Been feeling very similar to villains... ever since I was little I always identified with the villain... I always wanted to play him when play fighting. I know I'm wasting the day away... I woke up late today... I almost didn't work out... almost just stayed in bed so, that being said... I'm doing exceedingly better than I intended to. earlier it was my intention to avoid you, to stay in the room until you left or were asleep. It's not like I've not barred myself from the world before... I'm an expert... whether it's the confines of a specific room, or an entire building... I can stay inside hide quite well... And as the title insists I can also Hyde just as well. if not better.. Brood and hate... and frown... This is who I'm trying to evade... he beats me down as hard as the world if not harder... He's the one who pushes me out of the way when he's had enough of being silenced... he's the voice that answers when I've reached that special place no one hopes to be. 

I'm looking into counseling for the eating.. for the sex... for stress, the anxiety... the constant state of confusion I drift in... people without an illness can never really understand it... it's not fairy dust... it's not our fucking imaginary friends... It's our inner demons that happen to be a bit stronger than others. I don't like talking like a 14 year old emo kid... nobody likes reading it... But I just have to spew this out... spew is a good word... like vomit... this is all trash I need to say... But it's all real... it's even more real when bring it into view... And here it is on the screen... where I can nod and agree and say... I've been there... I am there... and I will leave again... This stop is on the list of least desirable locations to live in... This is a good blood because of the bleeding... because I am draining so much raw emotion into it... I wish I had tears... but given my lack of certain feelings... I have not been able to ... for a long time... I can't recall when, I actually cried... at least 2 years ago if not 3... I need other friends... I tried to reach out and make friends with another person with similar afflictions... she's in the same state... I can't do it... though she and I are in the same pit... I'm looking for the signs of ways to get out... I'm trying to keep focused... I know... I know... that's what it takes to get out of here... stay under the weight or push back... the more you fight quicksand.. the faster you'll sink... the faster you sink... the more you'll panic and so forth. You have to calculate as much as you can... so if this is making sense... this is why I can't have that type of friend... she's at a different level in the sand and I have to focus on myself... 

Again anybody can say they understand somebody's mental troubles... but that is a lie... they can only understand the concept... it's not something you know about it's something you feel... and something I would not want anyone to have to endure... I can never ever understand when people whine about trivial things... the prom queen who didn't get the right dress... the kid who didn't get an allowance raise... I try to think of how those are irrelevant  in comparison to my problems... and then I turn my head a =round and look at how there are others who would rightfully laugh or spit on my issues... people missing senses... people who are terminally sick.. That lessens the sting if only even slightly... it helps. At least nowadays I know I'm not alone... no one ever truly is... and that helps as well.. There is without a doubt someone, somewhere on this giant rock that is feeling exactly or very close to what you are feeling. Some worse... Understand that. I used to think that I was this being... this cruel imported joke from somewhere other than this world... I had no idea there were and are people out there who love the things that I do... but I found some through the internet... albeit, I've not met any friends I can hug... no tangible people... just text, and assumed personalities. 

I felt a twinge of hope... a slight lightening in my heart. Felt good. I know I've made my mistakes... maybe more than most... that is just what it is... I have to carry the same acceptance with knowing that I also learn slower than others... .. and interesting fact about this weird emptiness and all the feelings that I am having... I can recall feeling them from years back at very specific moments.... I actually remember wanting to end myself before I was even 10... I don't know how serious it was but I do remember threatening to smash a brick into my head... I recall feeling... hollow... even then... I knew I was different back then... I still feel it... but on a positive note... I feel like I have a calling that I am ascending to.... when I am high on those moments... those are the moments that are worth living... 

Some of this entry is part forgetting to take my pill (I need to start pulling those out for myself when I get breakfast). Part of it is that I went to bed late, part is that I "ate bad" last night... Part is that I am envious of all of the friends and the plans that are being made... but a lot of it are the hormones within... I won't ask for apologies... nor will I apologize for  anything I've written. It's valid . Feelings and observations that I need to share... that I cannot share at a given moment... My other is not a therapist nor should they have to be. Although he might be the first guy to TRY and understand me and my plague... I hold my stance on no one being able to decipher it... Maybe instead of looking up memes and Huffington post you could help read up on some stuff about your other...

Again counseling is the best route... undeniably so.. I've made the calls and got some back that I'll return soon.... 

I have so much indecision on things... I want to do things... but nothing sounds good... but I desperately want something to do... this is usually where the voracious urge appeals... it's simple... it's fast... it's right there... and it feels good if only for a moment... things are really crazy maybe... even crazier when I don't give in... I hate things with what I call drug mentalities... Meaning: things that will pick you up for a bit before slamming you back down, potentially down further than the initial low. I have to see it this way to fight the urge... Might as well be withdrawing.. I am very outspoken about a handful of things... I try to turn the lens on myself a lot of the time... such as.... When I hear that people are having trouble getting off drugs... or drinking... or smoking... my initial reaction? Never start... you'll never have to stop... Everyone has their drug... Most peoples poisons are far more destructive than they are productive.. they counteract that persons actions.  Again... I can face the lens sometimes... I'm only human I can't catch everything that I happen to be doing.... But I can say that I've done that multiple times... and I'm trying to quit it... That's why I mentioned the drug mentality in the first place... It's because I can be an artist adept in the fine art of self destruction... I wrote a poem for myself about it called "Imploding Grenade". I get it... But you have to bring out the strictness and the parent within yourself and be as logical and self aware as possible to succeed in most things...

I want what a lot of people want... I want to be successful in most everything that I do... I know that some areas will slip... that's just how it is.. I'd love to speak I'd love to tell other people how well they are doing I really would... for those people who think that they are behind... or losing... I could share with them that hey.... they should keep at it... I have to follow a lot more steps than most in a day just to function on a similar level to others... and then I can take on the world with the rest... but as I just said... I have steps that I have to take before I can even start. 

But after all I've said ... there is one thing that the disorder thing can do for people... When they get those good moments in time... they cherish it ... they feel SO good from it... And I can't say for sure but probably appreciate things a little more than the average person.. I feel that once we get to a good spot (the people with disorders) that we understand... to stop moving... whether that be learning, or working on bettering yourself etc... is to basically give up! If you're not learning anything, you can't branch out... there will be a lot more barriers in life... who needs that? I have enough... That's why when people want to me that I'm brave for being gay... or bipolar... or different it doesn't do much for me... I'll repeat this again because I love saying it... You HAVE TO KEEP MOVING... if even slow... don't stop.... 

That means you too Bry Bry <B 

you're a Neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie

IIIII did not happen to get to post my vid yesterday... but it went something along the lines of things getting slightly more productive, if even just a little bit.

How you ask?

 Well I'm slowly picking myself back up out the rut that was falling in... am I out yet.. I'm not sure I completely am. But I'm getting there. I'm not vidding it up today because it's one of those peaceful days that I would rather not disturb. Plus... there is a worker across the parking lot I'm afraid that might magically hear me. and I feel more like typing than anything today in regards to blogging.

Yesterday was pretty good to me. I got to sit down with my caseworker and talk about the income situation and it really helped release some of the tension... She directed my attention to some outlets for other counseling: some websites where I can find people that meet my needs out here. So I wrote down a handful of names and groups I'll have to further investigate. She also showed me this work rehabilitation agency, that can help you find strengths, weaknesses, and what works best for you and your "disability"! That is awesome! That's kind of what I am doing now... but everyone can use a hand every once in awhile... and some people need more than others... that's just fine as long as it's to aid you and not fully hold you up.

Today I called my doc and set up an appointment for friday at ten.... my bladder... yadda yadda... there's something that I feel is iffy... the last time I waited on something that I was worried about.... oh man I was SORRY! .... pffft and I wasted a Halloween too!.... This year I'll be back in black.. orange and black.

So that means tomorrow is my dental cleaning, and then the docs... and then maybe the interview for my bridge card. I want to do this temporarily until I find work where I will excel... I'm fairly certain I've said this over and over again that this next job... it will be something that I actually care about... I mean I cared about having money before... but I did not enjoy what I was selling... nor did I enjoy the types of customers the stores attracted. I know what I want a bit better this time and I'm going to set myself up for success.  For example... today I had an interview that I didn't do... because I felt like I'd be settling for something that I would hate and something that anyone with interest in having "work" could get... They were DESPERATE! I mean this guy seemed like he didn't even want to interview when I talked to him and just hire! ... Because actually he even said... " you could start today or tomorrow!".... wow... red flag.... That would strip the self respect I am trying very hard to build for myself: call me stubborn but I don't wanna let that slip!

Today has been pretty good just getting everything in order... and finally today is warm enough... but not too warm to leave the house! a rarity in these parts. OH! and  two more quick mentions... I've decided that it is best for me to try and do three things at a time... I know I'm constantly constructing new ways and schedules with which to work... BUT all of us who are growing and moving forward are doing this right? I've found it hard writing out a whole huge list of everything to do for the day... I'd be annoyed if I did not get it all done... So my remedy is to focus on three things at a time. One foot after another. Then by doing so I can be like "Hey, yeah got those done! LEVEL TWO! FIGHT!!!" #MortalKombatReferenceOfTheDay. Then I have also decided to work for 3 hours... and let myself do what I want to for an hour and then repeat. I find that fair! And lastly I think that I even might do that with days of the week? Not sure yet if that would be healthy ... or if I'd get annoyed with myself... Or maybe I'd still do everything but be a little more casual about it al. Who knows... but maybe every third day will be a break... I mean you get breaks at work... both hourly and days off. I just have to be aware of where things are... what things need to be done... etc.

Wow, using actual paragraphs almost appropriately... look at me! (I'm aware that's it's not indented SHHHHH!)

<B

Some silence required

yeah, it's been rather unintentional that I haven't put anything here in like a week. I've been putting in the work (recording myself). But When I've been uploading to youtube it's been taking forever to upload, and a lot of the time lately I've had to interrupt it and BAM! No news on my end. But no, not today sir... not at all! Today i am going to type it all out... For just a couple of reasons mainly.

This right here... this thing I'm doing with the fingers, and the clicking sounds, and the letters... This I can see the progress of and am confident of it getting to where it needs to be right away...The second is. There's a beautiful silence... I don't even have music on right now... just doesn't seem pleasing at the moment.

Lately I've been a little back and forth with how my mind is working but one thing is certain it's facing forward at least! I am doing the steps necessary for the goals that I need and want to achieve. For instance I am looking for work every day. Granted this might prove more of a challenge than my prior thoughts had imagined. ... I'm honest they ask questions like :

"Are you a fast learner?" or, "do you have a passion for talking with people?" or "do you enjoy working in a fast paced and always changing work environment?"

No, No, and NOT AT ALL.

I have 3 options as I see it right now, luck out and get into a comic store... get into hot topic, orrrr get into a night job. I did get an interview with the top comic store in the area... I was pumped... a little overly so... pumped until tense... anxiety probably read like a billboard across my forehead. Nonetheless it did 2 things for me. it honored me that I was considered and got an interview at a place that wasn't even advertising hiring. AND it was a place in my top 3 targets for work. So it helped build my confidence in the fact that it's not silly to hold out for what you want. Sure it may suck till it gets there. but when you do.. you'll just be even more thankful than if you got just what you wanted right away... instant gratification hardly satisfies.

Basically the last few blogs have been talking about the main couple of things sticking like pins in my head. 1. managing the surges of anxiety I've been having mainly social. This one I have to pay close attention to first off because you can't do much of anything unless you can maintain yourself first. Second is an income source. Here, in this corner we have ME with a brutal $100 to his name borrowed in student loans. BUT! I'm fighting! I filled out for a bridge card as most of what I spend my money on is groceries anyways. So that should help preserve things long enough till I figure out the main issue. Which is, the income... this is the interesting logic I've been going round and round with lately.

There are 2 pieces to this Merry-go-round. The first is the wants and needs. I know, and I want to be adamant about finding work... Meanwhile I know that I can't be on that all day... it'd burn me out worse than right now... So, I try to do other things that I want to do, go for a walk... get coffee, play with music stuff... even though sound design and or music is what I hope to achieve in the long term... what about now? I try and push off my annoyance of not working on the music... and justify it with the fact that I am doing what I need to for the present... But does that subtract and or take away from the progression of my future goals. Another thing that I am almost positively sure of, it that when I have figured out my income dilemma I should feel free and be able to more comfortably act upon my interest to spend hours absorbed in   whatever endeavor I choose and not feel bad about it.

The second half deals with comparisons... Everyone does it even if they just do it in their heads... It's in human nature to look upon others and kind of "assess" where we stand in relation... The monkey see monkey do of magazines, the television... and  other various medias... They all portray what and how beauty is and how it is defined. Enough people follow... the screens say gluten is bad... Point is... is the general populace will eat most of what it is given and see much anything else as abstract or wrong... without thought of the logic behind it. It exists for a reason... Everything for the most part does... Back to the personal values this has to me. I do compare.. though not as much as I have in the past... I still do... again, everyone does. Weird for me because in a lot of ways I am my own in my own thoughts and actions... but body image... body image... I've noticed greatly that as most have noticed with me. Good news is I've learned to kind of break that cycle a little bit... I am a lot better about things as long as I know that I am doing what is within my power to control... and fit into the MY standards. Which essentially consist of being between 140-150 lbs, being able to see some ribcage, and having my cheekbones be prominent. And pale skin... but I love the sun too much lol. I know by today's model male that I am almost the ANTI- in... That ,  I am fine with... it's just getting heavy... that I agree with the media about as being something that is not for me. I also do this with my actions and music... I know the roads I have chosen break from the path of the harvard lawyer or, the doctor, or what have you... I'm fine with that... but When faced with that awkward mention to someone who took those steps... and the fact that it is foreign to them... I do feel a bit of that good old fashioned highschool criticism sting me. Same with music, I want to be great.. I am a perfectionist ... an impatient perfectionist... This is a phrase I have to repeat daily to myself mainly when working with music... "don't try and be a clone of this or that artist... you are not them... you have something that is in YOU! Explore that, let that out! it's genuine, and people -especially those who enjoy music will hear that! Like designated signal... they'll read it..." I guess the same thing can be applied to all other facets... speak... and live with sincerity... Stick to your beliefs... these things are so hard to do and I feel they are really uncommon in these times... but if you have them and can uphold them... what you have is a self fulfilling arsenal!

Wow this is therapeutic hahhaha... It's like I just gave myself a mini self- help speech... Inspired- I'll take my bow... Have a good day, to any who might stumble across this page! MUAH!

<B

Yay or something?

Yeah, didn't even really notice that I have over 100 blogs now. Good to know.

The first week or so of starting back on with anything can be way hard especially the first 3 days to a week. With me I'm talking about eating and sleeping the way I need to be. I keep on challenging these things... wanting to live like others my age... eating whatever, sleeping whenever... but they bear consequence for me... more so than what they do for the average. Yesterday... when I felt the need to throw my hands up and say how much I was done with everything. I decided that I would look for answers... If I mentioned this mental fogginess... well, that is a symptom of bipolar... While I don't let it define me... or try not to. I do acknowledge it's very real presence...

I was curious about 2 things when I searched.... The first being if Bipolar people have a hard time concentrating.... The answer was yes on both the manic, and depressive states... both for different reasons... In manic, because it kind of emulates ADHD... in depressive, because there is a lack of interest and or restlessness.

The second, was that of my earlier mentioned fogginess... This is something that happens very frequently at times and others not so much... a lot lately though... and a lot through school both high school and college. This fogginess can range in meaning and form. Sometimes, for me, it means... stalling ... mentally trying to figure out what to say with very simple things and either getting so distracted by the slightest things going on around me or, forgetting in general. I read that in a bipolar persons mind that there is evidence in parts of the brain reacting differently. (what a shock? ;p) It says that it affects their executive functions, as well as makes it hard for them to learn and maintain new knowledge as fast as others... makes a lot of sense to me as I am the type who has to learn through repetition. I mean that's how you get better at things right? Yeah, But I need to be told repeatedly sometimes... The people who don't understand that you have a disorder... look at you with skeptic eyes... even if you were to tell them... it's not like they could ever "get it". So, now that I myself know about having this within me... Yeah, I'll share it.. it's a part of me! I'll share it with employers, it is actually listed as a valid disability, and even on some of the applications I've filled out it listed some .  .
But this usually gets the worst for me when I can feel my gut... When I feel it folded up like a fleshy accordion between my lap and my chest... When I like how I look, I like how I feel and it carries into everything else... this might be why one of the things that they tell bipolar people to avoid is sugar... and eat right. Those things in general will help anybody but it's pretty detrimental to bipolar folk... I keep getting to that happy point where I like everything, I like my body, I like how I'm being social, and I feel super intense (maybe manic maybe not.), and then I decide that I want to stay up late, eat candy, not even try what I want to do (sound stuff)... and let myself down like that.

But as I said yesterday, I am proud that I have not let this become as strong as it has in the past... No, I'm still working out and waking up at the same time, now I just need to get the other two points back in order and I should be on my way. I need to watch what and how much of it I eat, and make sure i go to bed at the right time every night. Another way I'm happy to say that I'm not giving up in is that I'm looking for jobs every day. even if it's just a half hour in the least. Yesterday I spent 2 hours, 1 of which was 1 application but still. I don't necessarily remember what it was for ... Oh, yeah it was for Khol's night stock. I want night stock because I think in a lot of ways it would be good for me. The only thing that might be harmful is messing with the sleep schedule. I have to see both my prescription doctor and my case worker on the 27th? I think, somewhere at the end of the month. So, I'll be relaying as much of this to her as I can... it might be time to turn back counseling already... I give it 3 months... 3 months with a fixed diet, and schedule and see where things go from there... <B

Z is for Zorrow (sorrow)

i don't know whats going on... really don't... what's more? I really don't like whatever it is... it's a place that's a little more than too familiar... Nothing is really helping again... I just want to withdraw.. and stay away from everything... everyone... EVERYONE.

I've been melancholic...but a new sensation has arrived within me.. usually when I feel this way... I'm apathetic as well... do they mean the same thing? Oh well,. Back to what I was saying though... usually melancholy just entails for me a "floating" type of existence... one where I see what's going on... the whole phrase: "the lights are on but no one's home". perfect fit... but this time... I have reached a weird combination of... said melancholy, immense anger I feel in my core, and the profound sadness and interest in just going underground... leaving everything and pretending I never existed. No, that wasn't a self harm reference... I was merely, indicating an identity shift. Often times... just walking about... I've wondered what it would be like to be a gypsy... the only real things to stop me? I trust no one... But the thoughts remain... where would I go? what or who would I see..., Would i know what I was after all along when I found it... or forever choose to be a Nomad, living through the days making it in the best possible ways, in relation to when and where I'm at, at a given instant. Would I feel liberated? Would I feel a gratefulness for everything that I get that I have never known? ... Would I be a liar,.. a thief? Or a curious but kind-hearted man? perhaps, I finally be free to whatever it is I wanted or was... things hat have remained to be shown yet.. things I've always wanted to have been but never could, due to the caged feeling of others expectations... and wants and needs... We let others shape us far more than we should... we want so much to be liked... or loved, etc that we toss ourselves away sometimes... But then... you know what brings me back to the reality of it all? The damning thoughts that people would have if I shared it with them. And now I see it... I can be this person... Though not so much a stray (as much as I would like to be) I can start... doing what I want to and need to for me.. who knows where that will go right? I feel trapped a lot of the time because there are things I need to say all the time to people and I'm just dying o say them... it's in my blood to need to tell people things... I pull back... and I pull back... and I pull back... because I "don't want to hurt them". When in reality, I'd rather sting them right away then let the poison brew within... and then expel a terminal dosage. meanwhile... the surplus rests in me... slowly I get sicker with everyday that I can't admit... or share.. or deliver the message I nee to send to the right recipients... And again, I pull back some more... because I on't have the energy to fight about it... I only have the energy to respectfully talk about it... if I tell something to someone calmly I only find it respectful to reply as such... I'm not singling anyone person out... though one lays heavy in my thoughts right now. I'm not sure what exactly is going on with me beyond the fact that I feel I need to hide in order to appease everyone but myself... don't like it never will. I've changed... could be bad or good... that's really kind of a perceivable thing. I feel great when I just let things out... when I say what I want... Like this bottling up of things... i just icing on a cake comprised of other layers. finding work I want... sticking to my guns for once and not settling... I know for now that, that is an irritant, but in the bigger picture.. I'll be building a stronger foundation for myself than I ever have...I need to prove to myself that I can be this individual... I don't want war... But this blog does need to speak up for me. I'm going to say what I fucking want to in it because it's my god damn time here. This doesn't mean I'm going to be a "mean person"... Just means I need to be honest with myself above all...  I really don't like the fact I can't tell the one person I have about my problems... because they are emotionally closed off... and defensive... I'm tired of being underestimated, underrated, and told who and what I am or am not.. by anyone... including myself....

This reminds me of another time in my life... but I'm done talking for now.... going to try move on...

Q is for Quill

Feel a little interesting writing to the soundtrack for the original Mortal Kombat video game lol.

I have to type this up on my laptop today as I have to make fish sticks and eggs and make sure that they don't burn or boil out.... sounds weird but those are the remaining protein foods here... and a couple of cans of beans... both good and bad. It's so weird going back to typing things on this after such a streak of being on my desktop with my awesome new set up.  but old school it good sometimes to help remember the good things.

I narrowed what I want to hopefully see come out of everyday. in no order : I want to exercise, blog, job hunt, put together my poetry anthology a little bit more, experiment on my own with sound, learn techniques from videos, work on my social media stuff, do a little nearby reaching out to record labels and the like, go for a walk, clean a little bit.

Of course I do have things that take priority in my head.. cleaning is probably the last as it does not coincide with goals.

I've decided I'm going to do what I want... things are a little better that way... I'll consider people... but just not be overly focused on them until I need to be... I've almost always let people influence my drive and what not... The times I actually followed myself I did what I wanted and needed for myself... I just have to be... simply put...

Yesterday I thought about how far I've come.. and it made me feel really strong. I also thought about how sick it makes me that I have let people tell me I was wrong for anything....  I mean "wrong" ... there have been way too many things about myself as an individual I have been told to be wrong... I'm going to try and cut that shit short anymore... the moment I'm told that I just need to turn my head and go... I won't be questioned. Now, if I should hurt or offend somebody who didn't deserve it... so be it. THAT is wrong...

This brought about something yesterday... I overheard a man talk about gay people ... speaking ignorantly....


He was some poorly dressed... lower class citizen speaking to another random person of his kind.... Not that, that has much to do with anything ... but I just know of his kind.... the kind... that has been so defeated by society, that he turned to the deity in the sky... And uses "the lord's" words to justify his own hatred... But uses the "god forgives all card" to excuse himself from his own sins.

 I told the man he was ignorant and did not know what he was saying. ... I might have called him a fucking idiot I don't remember exactly. Preoccupied with his rant to the woman.... he made his way over to me..

He asked me if I had a couple bucks... I probably gave that fuckhead a really nasty look. I said not for you!

Again, I don't remember all I said... but it was clear that I had to shout so I could get my words in to the old bastard. He told me... "well it says in the bible"... I told him oh yeah, that's a great book of fiction. There's also giants in there. I was ready to keep strong to my attack on his lack of intelligence.. but he either thought he had won... or he couldn't handle someone challenging him... and he walked off to others who might or might not have gave 2 shits... and did a hand jerking motion... Oh, so godly of him.... Havn't I heard that that is a sin.... I bet you that is undoubtedly one of the aforementioned disgraces... who says god hates gays...drinks... and probably steals.... but prays so he's still "in the right". I wanted to ask him and say.. hey.. do you like it when people treat yo like you're a lazy good for nothing living off the scraps and good will of others?... Because unlike you... the people "waving giant rainbow flags around and should have their asses kicked... actually do things...

I got such a rush from doing this.... such a rush... I haven't felt that strong an urge to try and fight as I have since I was a teen with my father... If there's one thing I can't stand it's people tearing down another person for something they like... I try and catch myself lately... I've been trying to replacing my judgments with saying... I don't understand... and letting it go at that. But it's men like him that have always kept me miles away from the generally backwards actions of Christianity... NOT ALL ARE THIS WAY... I'll never say... I've just run into many that have been like this.... I don't have time for hypocrites with God shields.

I'm glad I am gaining a voice again... that's just the most challenging I believe I have ever been.

He's a fuck up ;D  <B

P is for Privacy

Yeah, I've not been feeling the videos the last couple of days.... not at all.

Today I once again have that weird feeling... a paranoid, lonely feeling I keep in mind and look to eject. It's nice out so, I know I'll go and venture into that. Well, in part because I want to and in part because i have to, so that's a combination that can't be beat when priority meets playtime.

I have to go and return a piece of equipment to the library and then try something else out from there!

but yeah... just been down... down that I can't seem to get what I want in terms of sound.. In terms of not getting out enough, in terms of finding the right work for myself.

BUT, those are the thoughts of my inner child.... Those "I don't want to go to school today thoughts". I know my inner parent... (in no relation to what my actual parents would say) Would say that... if you don't like something then you have to work for a change.

The truth does sting and a lot of times I drag my feet... But when I actually take the first couple heavy steps... the weight I force gradually lessens.

These blogs are really good for me and the main reason that I do them is to vent and to have someone to talk to who I KNOW will listen.... I'm not leading a legacy or anything of that sort... my life is open to all who want to hear about it... but there is not that much to know... I don't go to clubs... My social outing are few and far between and my successful outings are close to being even fewer... It's whatever I am not speaking negatively just being honest.

Think of the small of things... I need to rally together some new things soon.. I used to have this lovely little coffee shop I'd walk to... It's gone... It seems like all of my favorite things are for niche markets or a very exclusive taste... And it's fun until it's discontinued or people can't relate... Oh well.

I think I might try my hand at a social outing later... MIGHT ... I accidentally turned on the italics by the keyboard... wonder how I did that....

*note to self : actually try and start learning the key commands for things. *

It's taken us this long just to remotely type this fast Bryan... Sure, this post has taken about 15 minutes... but given my past writing capabilities.. I'd say we're doing pretty damn fine...

Btw this is often how my inner dialogue goes... is we...

We enjoy it. 

<B

O is for Orange

Scream all you want no one can hear you. Take a tear at the night if you can't help but feel that you were left here on purpose. furrow your eyebrows and try to convince yourself this was all a mistake and then move on to convince someone who might care...  Freedom lies in your veins, that very same irony bars you.

i don't know what all that's about i felt it come on... so I went with it. Today is ... odd. Like yesterday was odd. I'm not sure if it's due to the breaking of bedtimes or indulging in certain foods or both really... But I'll step back on both of those as much as I can... I mean after all.. no one really likes admitting they need sleep... No one wants to admit they can't eat what they want all of the time.  But that's just the reality of things. I know that I might not get to watch certain things if I go to bed early, bu that's too bad... I'd rather be more awake and alert the next day... I keep telling myself too that I will work on my music more and more... Giving only about the last hour or 2 of the day before bed to myself... It's far harder to accept our needs and have to's as opposed to our wants and desires. I need to work more. Perhaps not harder... but in higher amounts... there might become a time where I am up for hours beyond my sleep... that habit will most likely form when I really start to understand the software I am using. It took me a at least a year and a half before I found out pretty much everything I could in my original program.. I felt a little like I should have been wearing a dunce cap.. I could have learned that in 4 months tops, had I been at it longer... But that's been done. I just need to make sure that I get into and crack the info for what I am working with and make sure i get back into a flow. 

I know by instinct how to damage my ambitions... I've done it for too long. I must train...(take it as easy on myself as I can while doing so) to be something that both a younger and my current self can just be excited about... I've been feeding this fire little by little and it's been showing... 

Sure it will suck in the beginning ... a lot of things do... i keep telling myself... Bry, you don't have friends so where is your time invested... it's not like people are distracting you. I've gotta take this more serious in regards that I want it... Even I don't "Create" anything I have to learn what I'm doing and work with it... just doing that enough ... putting in the time is what's most important... 

That's my little rant...

I'm also not 100% certain I took my med yesterday either *shrugs* I did today though so, there's that.

I'm going to go and try to be productive. 

<B

B00M

Teehehhee

Last couple days A.K.A the weekend were cool in a big way.

(not sure when my last post was, probably like wednesday or something. )

Friday was weird, when I let my issues kind of take over, and just ate, and slept, and did nothing... Yeah, one of those. 

Saturday was different. Lately, I've stressing on the two major factors in my life right now which is trying to learn what I want to learn in the realm of sound, and two finding work to hold things down until the move to Florida. (Finding out locations to move and such is it's own story. 

Last week I fretted, going back and forth from the plan of doing have a day of sound, and half a day of music.... to doing one day music, one day jobs. Both of these stressed me out.

In the past, I would think about things so much and stress so much importance in things that I kind of paralyzed myself. This was the case with the two patterns I was attempting. i was coming at them all wrong really. I should be doing both everyday, with the job as my predominant focus, but darting to the sound and music when I need a break. I learned this on Saturday when I didn't feel I HAD to do anything. it was in the back of my head I and I did it.  Same with other chores and wants that I have. I should really just do them in the time that I get tired or frustrated with the job hunt, and music, but of course return back to the hunt. it's good to have a more of a want mentality than a need. For the most part we all want what we need. When you want something (in my case at least) I am more inclined to move. 

Yeah Saturday was a good one. because I came up with some other great solutions and what not. 

School: I will not be taking classes in the spring. There are about 2 or three classes I want left and I can utilize the summer to begin work back up. I would definitely have to start work though... or stretch 1,000 over the course of 4 months 0.o Financial aid would give a cash boost in the fall, and I would not have to start paying back my loans until about the time we move to Florida. It sounds like I'm trying to skip out but I fully intend on paying it back. When I work I will even set aside money just for that purpose. The more I organize the faster and stronger I become at things.

Work: I need to for multiple reasons. First is to help my Boyfriend. Second is to start building up cash to start paying my loans back. Third is that I want money to feed into the new sound habit... It's really addictive when you start to learn about things. The plan is to look for more of freelance jobs at first, searching for those types of jobs for about a month.. The beauty with a lot of the ones I'm looking at is that I could do multiple jobs that equal out to one regular job. I have no problem with that considering that I get bored pretty easy. The most I've ever stayed with one job is a year by choice. The only thing with looking for work outside of retail and fast food is that there is quite a lot of uncertainty. let's say Macy's is hiring, you know it's legit because it's a big well known name. burger king the same thing. Venturing outside of those realms though, risks must be taken. The only way to really know in a lot of ways for anything really is to try it. do it. Worst thing, it doesn't work. You won't die. 

 Part two of the work hunt plan is to look at truck loaders. That or as a final option. Working overnights. I might have stressed before that working nights might be an issue for my well being... Hard for me to judge completely because that last time I did (and had a mental breakdown) there was so much that I wasn't used to that I overloaded and crashed. A poor diet of sugar, salt, and grease, Energy drinks and coffee constantly pumping through my veins. Two back to back jobs that equaled to about 16 hours a day or more, and I had a mental disorder that had not even been diagnosed yet. So, I might be able to work nights, who knows. The only issue I'll have is I'll miss the sun. But to me I just have to balance the dislikes of missing the sun to the dislike of dealing with people. People can make or break a work experience, I'd in the very least like to have some awesome coworkers, let alone care about what it is I'm doing or selling. I'd be way more proficient than feeling like I just lied to a person between my teeth about some terrible product they just bought. 

Self joy. Not masturbation. I know that it is truly good for one to do at least one thing for them self a day if not a couple small things. It will help fuel you by making you feel good, and the cycle goes on. I'm going to try and practice this again, when I get stumped in all of my online ventures. (did you know that staring at a screen too long can actually make you tired? I didn't. Love psychology) One of the ways I'll capture some magic daily is to just sit and listen to music, do nothing else just sit with headphones in kind of a meditated state. I used to do this a lot when I was younger and it helped me to open my head and be a little more creative and invested in doing things. The other is walking. Especially now that the sun is starting to show more. If we get through this month like this. There's a pretty good chance that Michigan's spring has sprung. 

Alright, that's all Going to check the weather, probably walk, and then get to work.

<B

I'm hiding don't look!

.... what did I just say!?!?!

well, this is awkward.

I've been making video more so lately, I feel they give a little bit more character. I'll probably look back at them less, I don't know yet as I barely lt look back at my typed stuff. Unless they are super fond moments like the one August morning I had that was just super euphoric.

Sucked yesterday Because i really love what I had said... I know what I said, kind of but it is mute. OH No! 

It basically said that I am throwing myself at what I need to get done. There are two major things I am looking at and my day will revolve around those. They are: learning music and studying youtube videos and doing my own personal digging around. What sucks for the most part is I am off the radar. I don't have network connections or things of that nature yet so I have to start from scratch. I feel like many people in the biz for the market that i want to enter are a little older anyways so I'm not fretting too too much. As long as I work on it everyday for as long as I can I should learn... and grow and get closer to the dream. But there is a balance. I want and need to be around people.

The second thing to devote attention to is job seeking both traditional and not.

By now it's fairly evident that I'd rather be one behind the curtain than center stage. That being said, I feel the best job types for me would be stocking and or truck loading and unloading, always liked that aspect of my other jobs... I felt free compared to the rest of my peers. Didn't have to wear an apron, all I had to do was pull in our stock, take inventory, and put it away. simple and very little dealing with others. 

The video pretty much states that I have a nice mixture of seasonal affective disorder, bipolar, and social anxiety... so I crash faster than most in social situations. Probably due to my consistent lack of friends and confinement to my room. I want to if possible, find work inside of the house first. If not I'll venture to find aforementioned work behind the scenes. (random I spell aforementioned right but messed up spelling behind.)

I often times wonder if I welcome it or do it out of habit.. the whole room thing. But then I recall that tremendous itch I get to be outside.... uh oh. conflict of interest. I want to work with music and sounds and be in the digital world... and get to be outside!? hmmmm.

A lot of how I feel is a bit paradoxical in nature. So, a lot of times I have to kind of shrug and say... okay, whatever happens, happens. 

I also skipped the video today because I am wearing the same thing from yesterday. I tend to do that in the winter because no one knows I'm doing it... he he he >;)

So, job research and hunting, and sound research and hunting one thing is for sure...:

 (you should watch this episode of Adventure time by the way "Another way" is the title)

Hipstick

Another vid