FOUR-NICK-EIGHT hahahaha!
Okay, okay, back to business! Making up for lost time indeed... indeed. Like my redundant wording? I don't let's stop that -make me!
So I believe I was going to express the addictions in better depth huh? Well, as I have said I have managed to avoid my hand giving me fellatio for almost 2 whole weeks! That is a mile stone if ever there was one. I have not watched porn... in the traditional sense.
You see, when you have an addiction it's mostly mental. Chemical shifts and the like (for me this is something I can physically feel churning about in my frontal lobe. It simultaneously saps my energy and I am left with 3 options. 1.) I can take the old stick shift for a drive. Get the adrenaline pumping hardcore this is to avoid the sleepiness. Tricky no? 2.) I can eat to battle the mental fog- Which leads to over-eating and or eating mass quantities of food. For those of you who know me and are rolling your eyes... Stop it because this is something that is real. Just because I am not morbidly obese does not mean I don't have a problem with food. Eating 3 bags of sand which cookies over the span of a weekend is not cool. Especially when those 3 individual bags are devoured in 3 individual sittings. This makes me feel gross and in turn leads my hand to the appendage of love... omg that's terrible. Once this cycle has completed itself it's worked! No longer tired... Just guilt laden and resistant to do anything else the rest of the day. Finally 3.) I can avoid either by taking a nap. Makes sense right? Give the brain what it's asking for!
I've been taking naps and I've been seeing a veer away from my self-destructive habits.
It's seemingly working. Not only do I feel a lot better, but I am more focused etc. It makes sense to take a detour if it's going to aid in the overall scheme of things.
That being said, I need to try and see the entire picture. I need to have an aerial view of things.
I'll give an example.
A couple of months ago I was watching the news. I heard about some sort of ultimatum involving a little hole in the ground. The way they presented their options were the only ways possible: they could fix it quickly and cheaply saving the city money or, they could take more money from the city now and efficiently fix the issue. The answer was obvious to me. Yes, I understand that it will suck having raised taxes for a minute. But really... what's worse? The very real threat of the hole spontaneously opening again, and then having to fix it again or paying the money to fix it from the get go.
Better yet, in the long run, you might even be saving money, it's just a matter of impatience. Because shelling out money in small increments adds up. Might as well save up... put the money out and have everything be A-okay.
SO easy to offer sage thoughts when it's not your choice.
Anyways, back to porn. So, addictions are a bit funny. Even if you stop the intended habit of online pornography (again 12 days clean) you're brain will offer up alternatives - much like someone who's on a diet rationalizes drinking a six pack of soda to one regular sugar because "it's healthy". Convincing, but false. Tempting but devilish. My mind has been like... look up nude art on amazon, that's not "bad" is it? If I can feel the aforementioned chemical shift in my head... then yeah, I must say no. I even considered doing something sketchy... attaining my smut the old fashioned way...
Yup, the liquor store baby. The smut laden, sobriety smashing, powerhouse of questionable wares.
Luckily for me I had a few deterrents.
1. It was like 10 am...
2. I don't want to be perceived as a smoker.
3. I don't want to be perceived as an alcoholic. Which, I totally would visiting one at such an early time of day.
Needless to say I've been having to avoid the web for the most part... at least for awhile. I know this sounds 'crazy' if you can't comprehend it. But it's completely logical. What do you do with a child if they can't handle something? You take it away don't you? Even for a little bit?
As I have said earlier, yeah I'll use the web sparingly. But not for idle searching... it's just too much. I get lost. I have an addictive personality and can easily get lost for hours in the most trivial of affairs.
I'm trying to dial back to the 90's in a way you might say. Personally I didn't really have the internet in the 2000's. I did but in very brief moments. If I wanted the internet I had to go to the library or visit a friend. Shit, that sounds so much like: "back in my day"... that's exactly what it is. Whatever. When I didn't have the internet I was forced to be a bit more creative. More focused and well, find stuff to do. I most certainly wrote the most back then. To the slightest degree I may have even been happier. It's when myspace struck that added facets were added. Some good, Some bad.
Point is, excess seems to be becoming more and more available for everything. Some people need to live a little bit simpler. As long as it helps me foster happiness I'm fine with that.
Btw, it's 70 degrees out right now. Hope you get to- or were able to enjoy it.
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Friday, March 24, 2017
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
fudge it....
So, it kind of goes without saying that there will be more writing in this thing in the coming months. As I use it to... sort things out. Today, feels like yesterday in regards to a mostly frowning face. I feel spacey. I'm drinking plenty of water, as I do tend to dry out rather fast nowadays for some reason. It helps far more than coffee, which would add to the aforementioned drying out. *sigh* Lots of thoughts whirring about in my head. Mainly about my relationship, our future, my future, what I am what I'm not, who I am and am not. All very deep things that I seem to not be able to focus on for very long. What I mean is, they seem to be in a revolving door in my head, and before I get too caught up in one of the slots the next one presents itself. I guess you can throw in the thoughts about mental health, and work for good measure. I guess I'll try to sort out each here a little bit, after all this thing is my makeshift counselor on the days that I do not have an appointment.
Work, I guess I'll begin with that. I'm looking for it, I need it, I kind of want it... but I am terrified by it. Not particular doing work, but dealing with people. I have my bouts between loving people, and avoiding them altogether. Right now, as in this very moment, I have no interest for meetings. It's just that it's been awhile, 2 and half years since I've worked. I have to be strong and believe that I can and will handle it well. A job would be a great thing. It would inspire some independence and time away from the boyfriend. Which is also good. When I'm filling out apps, I am PUSHING myself to do so. There's also a toss up between thoughts of time. When can and should I work? If I tried to work overnights again, could I? I'd like it because I'd have fewer folks to deal with... but I am not so good about sleeping during the day. It kind of goes without saying that at the beginning I'll be overwhelmed a bit, mainly just in terms of maintaining the oh so valuable schedule of a bipolar person. It's the key to ones success. I think that's all I can mention on that front... NO... wait a minute. I also think that yeah... I'm getting a job... That's fine for just money,... but I wasted most of college... I don't really know what I want to do or... what I'm good at... I don't. It's taken me this long to remotely start to feel comfortable with myself... and not alienate myself to a constant. I want desperately, to be an artist... but it looks like a bleak path. I do well, with structure... but structure leads to the basic type of job.... I don't want to be a doctor or anything like that. My college experience thus far has been the same that my high school was. An amalgamation of classes I was curious in... None of them seemed particularly my thing in the end. But now I have a lot more knowledge in the end. That, I am proud of. I love to write, but...I don't want to be a teacher... I'm the type of person who can't tell if he will like something till he tries it. There have been several things I really thought I'd like that just didn't appeal. Hence the throng of classes without a stable path. I can wish all I want that I was going through this at a younger "more appropriate" point in time, but that leaves nothing changed. I can wish, my childhood life at home was stable and loving enough, that I really could care about my academia and look to the future rather than just trying to survive. I could wish that I would have had to have an allowance, to show responsibility and understand work, and then started working when I was younger. Wish, Wish, Wish. I know I'm still in my twenties, but I feel so far behind... especially living in the shadow of such a prestigious college town. It inspires me through self hatred sometimes. We'll slide into the next topic.
Mental health... What I had said about wishes kind of ties into this... because if I would have figured out things... that I have bipolar and anxiety, sooner... I wonder where I'd be and what I'd be like right at this very moment. I have a firm assumption it'd be further along and far happier. But one can never know such a thing. I'll just say, that due to this thing I have living along side of me I feel like I'm on a treadmill a good portion of the time... I can see what I think I'd like in front of me... I'm moving alright... but I don't seem to notice when to turn off the switch, and walk out in front of the treadmill to achieve it. Hopefully that translated well from my head to text... I really don't wish to be like my parents. few ever do. The goal should be to reach new heights, and make your own empire. In some ways I feel I'm succeeding. These are thoughts I always have, but they predominantly attack when I'm at my lower ends. that's how I'm able to express them to you right now. Obviously, I'm not too down to where I am curled up in the fetal position. No. I've felt the inability to do anything too much when I had the Akathisia. And the meds and such... I need to get those correct to move on and be as function able as possible. I just told myself today while feeling this... there should be no reason to feel sad, without something happening to you. Of course there is the winter and what not... but I'm sure that's only an addition. And then we can tidy up with the last bit of discussion.
Relationships. I've always been rather push or pull. Being Bi polar entails extremes, I know this. when I was little for instance there was a time that a friend had did something I did not like and I chose not speak to him for like two months. I was about five... so that was pretty intense. I got very jealous when my friends would meet and become friends. I felt as the I was being pushed out by the very same two people I brought together. I'm on or off a lot although, I have gotten tremendously better I'd say about it. My disorder distorts how I should be feeling for sure. Sometimes I question if I've loved or been infatuated. I know I've hated... oh that I'm sure. I've felt numb errr... melancholy is a big thing I feel. Of late, I've been feeling distant with my boyfriend. Maybe I'm reading into it too much? If not I'd rather he just say what he needs to, to me. But I just keep feeling like a loner as well... there's this masochistic side of me that loves being alone... and only having acquaintances, and then there's the side that really longs for deep bonding. I'm never 100% sure which voice is me... though I often times side with the one playing for keeps. IIIIIII think that that's a good note to finish on. I'm really proud of this entry. I feel a little better having collected my thoughts like this.
<B
Work, I guess I'll begin with that. I'm looking for it, I need it, I kind of want it... but I am terrified by it. Not particular doing work, but dealing with people. I have my bouts between loving people, and avoiding them altogether. Right now, as in this very moment, I have no interest for meetings. It's just that it's been awhile, 2 and half years since I've worked. I have to be strong and believe that I can and will handle it well. A job would be a great thing. It would inspire some independence and time away from the boyfriend. Which is also good. When I'm filling out apps, I am PUSHING myself to do so. There's also a toss up between thoughts of time. When can and should I work? If I tried to work overnights again, could I? I'd like it because I'd have fewer folks to deal with... but I am not so good about sleeping during the day. It kind of goes without saying that at the beginning I'll be overwhelmed a bit, mainly just in terms of maintaining the oh so valuable schedule of a bipolar person. It's the key to ones success. I think that's all I can mention on that front... NO... wait a minute. I also think that yeah... I'm getting a job... That's fine for just money,... but I wasted most of college... I don't really know what I want to do or... what I'm good at... I don't. It's taken me this long to remotely start to feel comfortable with myself... and not alienate myself to a constant. I want desperately, to be an artist... but it looks like a bleak path. I do well, with structure... but structure leads to the basic type of job.... I don't want to be a doctor or anything like that. My college experience thus far has been the same that my high school was. An amalgamation of classes I was curious in... None of them seemed particularly my thing in the end. But now I have a lot more knowledge in the end. That, I am proud of. I love to write, but...I don't want to be a teacher... I'm the type of person who can't tell if he will like something till he tries it. There have been several things I really thought I'd like that just didn't appeal. Hence the throng of classes without a stable path. I can wish all I want that I was going through this at a younger "more appropriate" point in time, but that leaves nothing changed. I can wish, my childhood life at home was stable and loving enough, that I really could care about my academia and look to the future rather than just trying to survive. I could wish that I would have had to have an allowance, to show responsibility and understand work, and then started working when I was younger. Wish, Wish, Wish. I know I'm still in my twenties, but I feel so far behind... especially living in the shadow of such a prestigious college town. It inspires me through self hatred sometimes. We'll slide into the next topic.
Mental health... What I had said about wishes kind of ties into this... because if I would have figured out things... that I have bipolar and anxiety, sooner... I wonder where I'd be and what I'd be like right at this very moment. I have a firm assumption it'd be further along and far happier. But one can never know such a thing. I'll just say, that due to this thing I have living along side of me I feel like I'm on a treadmill a good portion of the time... I can see what I think I'd like in front of me... I'm moving alright... but I don't seem to notice when to turn off the switch, and walk out in front of the treadmill to achieve it. Hopefully that translated well from my head to text... I really don't wish to be like my parents. few ever do. The goal should be to reach new heights, and make your own empire. In some ways I feel I'm succeeding. These are thoughts I always have, but they predominantly attack when I'm at my lower ends. that's how I'm able to express them to you right now. Obviously, I'm not too down to where I am curled up in the fetal position. No. I've felt the inability to do anything too much when I had the Akathisia. And the meds and such... I need to get those correct to move on and be as function able as possible. I just told myself today while feeling this... there should be no reason to feel sad, without something happening to you. Of course there is the winter and what not... but I'm sure that's only an addition. And then we can tidy up with the last bit of discussion.
Relationships. I've always been rather push or pull. Being Bi polar entails extremes, I know this. when I was little for instance there was a time that a friend had did something I did not like and I chose not speak to him for like two months. I was about five... so that was pretty intense. I got very jealous when my friends would meet and become friends. I felt as the I was being pushed out by the very same two people I brought together. I'm on or off a lot although, I have gotten tremendously better I'd say about it. My disorder distorts how I should be feeling for sure. Sometimes I question if I've loved or been infatuated. I know I've hated... oh that I'm sure. I've felt numb errr... melancholy is a big thing I feel. Of late, I've been feeling distant with my boyfriend. Maybe I'm reading into it too much? If not I'd rather he just say what he needs to, to me. But I just keep feeling like a loner as well... there's this masochistic side of me that loves being alone... and only having acquaintances, and then there's the side that really longs for deep bonding. I'm never 100% sure which voice is me... though I often times side with the one playing for keeps. IIIIIII think that that's a good note to finish on. I'm really proud of this entry. I feel a little better having collected my thoughts like this.
<B
Monday, December 7, 2015
Forever and roughly 30 Days.
I imagine too much has not been missed ^_^
PAST:
I guess I'll start with Turkey day. It was cool, there's been a lot of meeting with family, which is, as many out there understand both wonderful and draining. Especially because I am fairly introverted and can handle so many people for so long before I want to say so long for awhile and then recharge in secret... Of course that's not too easily understood or acceptable around kids so... Yeah. There were two thanksgivings this year, I had sushi for each of them. How I love the fishy goodness. Ummm I've been rather hermit- ish. as in I haven't much been leaving the house unless necessary... not even going on walks... which I should probably make it a point to try. Cause it's supposed to be good for ya. Oh, and yeah. I recently have come up with the brilliant scheme of going on a juice cleanse... or smoothie diet whatever you wanna call it. There's two things I've noticed... either A: I'm doing it wrong and eating everything at the end of the night... and or B: I am getting the nutrients I need without the helpful hand of satiation. Dangerous mix the two. Because the numbers say one thing and then your stomachs like Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction... angry as fudge. Any who. The Bf and I just went to his sisters on Saturday for his god son's 3rd birthday. It was far more taxing due to both sides of the family being there... because one side has many... MANY offspring. Lemme think how many I know of off the top of my head... There were at least ten mobilized units, and then a larva. Like heated molecules they went in all and every direction, with dizzying speed.
CURRENT(ly):
I have been experiencing technical difficulties so to speak. MY emotions seem to have been processed incorrectly thus, making me haywire. How so? Well, I've been feeling things that I have not in at least.. 2 years... feelings of hopelessness I always envision myself walking about the cold and ice laden streets... or alone in a vast field of ice... just wandering without direction. SAD is a very real aspect of my bipolar, but I'm working to counteract it so that's what matters. I was just added to a new medicine that should helpfully nip things in the arse. I can also tel that things are shoddy due to my voracious urges of late.. and my lethargic impulses to do nothing... want to do something... but nothing seems to have sparked interest... But food... an easy, fix... a drug to take and fall from. But I'm not one hundred percent in the minus, no. All of this stuff is more in the background of my mind than anything else. It's sadly surfacing.., but maybe it needs to ya know? Like a purge... sometimes you just need need a good emotional puke or so, to clear it from your body. Onto the future and things I looking forward to.
SOON:
Well, tomorrow is the first thing. There is a witch meeting tomorrow, and I'll hopefully see a cool cat there, and meet a few others. Day after that, I will try a writing workshop to get some constructive crits. Then Possibly after that is the Boyfriends work party. ... Parties are a bit tricky for me when I want to try and be healthy... For example the birthday party. I managed to say no to the pizza and obligatory cake and I ate only the veggies without dip... Didn't even drink... but that's mainly because they didn't have anything of interest to me. Even then I would have watered it down. But the alcohol helps me cope. Especially right now when I am in the kind of state that I am... Plus there's the fact that, most of the food is crud... so I guess it's a pick your poison situation... Because you're there for quite awhile a lot of the time, and even if you ate prior... chances are your stomach will scowl with hatred.
Then maybe Saturday, we'll see my bf's, and I's friend and maybe do the zoo light... thing. The following week is kind of recovery thus far... as there is not too much that's going on. There is rumor of a party that we're invited to... but these parties are kind of... mentioned on pretty short notice... I'm assuming it'll be that weekend. And then Christmas with both sides of the family. Should be really cute! UGH I know I was just complaining about poor eating choices.. but I really do want to have the coffee drink of the season...A.K.A. as the peppermint Mocha... and not just from anywhere... but probably S-Bux... THE ONLY reason is because their syrups are superior... The other coffee places I've had just don't do it for me! ... OOO haven't been to B-24's in a spell. Maybe I'll try them! It is rather cozy there around this time. Well, that's it for now! Hopefully I'll post more fluently... (and didn't use all of brain writing this up)
SEEYA! <B
PAST:
I guess I'll start with Turkey day. It was cool, there's been a lot of meeting with family, which is, as many out there understand both wonderful and draining. Especially because I am fairly introverted and can handle so many people for so long before I want to say so long for awhile and then recharge in secret... Of course that's not too easily understood or acceptable around kids so... Yeah. There were two thanksgivings this year, I had sushi for each of them. How I love the fishy goodness. Ummm I've been rather hermit- ish. as in I haven't much been leaving the house unless necessary... not even going on walks... which I should probably make it a point to try. Cause it's supposed to be good for ya. Oh, and yeah. I recently have come up with the brilliant scheme of going on a juice cleanse... or smoothie diet whatever you wanna call it. There's two things I've noticed... either A: I'm doing it wrong and eating everything at the end of the night... and or B: I am getting the nutrients I need without the helpful hand of satiation. Dangerous mix the two. Because the numbers say one thing and then your stomachs like Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction... angry as fudge. Any who. The Bf and I just went to his sisters on Saturday for his god son's 3rd birthday. It was far more taxing due to both sides of the family being there... because one side has many... MANY offspring. Lemme think how many I know of off the top of my head... There were at least ten mobilized units, and then a larva. Like heated molecules they went in all and every direction, with dizzying speed.
CURRENT(ly):
I have been experiencing technical difficulties so to speak. MY emotions seem to have been processed incorrectly thus, making me haywire. How so? Well, I've been feeling things that I have not in at least.. 2 years... feelings of hopelessness I always envision myself walking about the cold and ice laden streets... or alone in a vast field of ice... just wandering without direction. SAD is a very real aspect of my bipolar, but I'm working to counteract it so that's what matters. I was just added to a new medicine that should helpfully nip things in the arse. I can also tel that things are shoddy due to my voracious urges of late.. and my lethargic impulses to do nothing... want to do something... but nothing seems to have sparked interest... But food... an easy, fix... a drug to take and fall from. But I'm not one hundred percent in the minus, no. All of this stuff is more in the background of my mind than anything else. It's sadly surfacing.., but maybe it needs to ya know? Like a purge... sometimes you just need need a good emotional puke or so, to clear it from your body. Onto the future and things I looking forward to.
SOON:
Well, tomorrow is the first thing. There is a witch meeting tomorrow, and I'll hopefully see a cool cat there, and meet a few others. Day after that, I will try a writing workshop to get some constructive crits. Then Possibly after that is the Boyfriends work party. ... Parties are a bit tricky for me when I want to try and be healthy... For example the birthday party. I managed to say no to the pizza and obligatory cake and I ate only the veggies without dip... Didn't even drink... but that's mainly because they didn't have anything of interest to me. Even then I would have watered it down. But the alcohol helps me cope. Especially right now when I am in the kind of state that I am... Plus there's the fact that, most of the food is crud... so I guess it's a pick your poison situation... Because you're there for quite awhile a lot of the time, and even if you ate prior... chances are your stomach will scowl with hatred.
Then maybe Saturday, we'll see my bf's, and I's friend and maybe do the zoo light... thing. The following week is kind of recovery thus far... as there is not too much that's going on. There is rumor of a party that we're invited to... but these parties are kind of... mentioned on pretty short notice... I'm assuming it'll be that weekend. And then Christmas with both sides of the family. Should be really cute! UGH I know I was just complaining about poor eating choices.. but I really do want to have the coffee drink of the season...A.K.A. as the peppermint Mocha... and not just from anywhere... but probably S-Bux... THE ONLY reason is because their syrups are superior... The other coffee places I've had just don't do it for me! ... OOO haven't been to B-24's in a spell. Maybe I'll try them! It is rather cozy there around this time. Well, that's it for now! Hopefully I'll post more fluently... (and didn't use all of brain writing this up)
SEEYA! <B
Monday, July 13, 2015
nine inch Fails
Awap babaloowhap a bop bamboo! ... frutii tutti...
PAST:
Okay, I obviously have abandoned the ritual of writing one of these daily. But really there isn't an inherent need to. I was mainly doing it before to try and get what I was feeling out into the open, to get it out and kind of make it it's own entity. If that makes sense? I guess so I could look at in a third person perspective. But I can do that without one of these. that way I'm not making one of these everyday with the same things, or worse. NOTHING to say in them. Thus, I'll write these every other day or so... twice or thrice a week. But anyways. This weekend, has been unique, and this next venture I am taking will be interesting as well. How you ask? Well to answer about the weekend specifically, the boyfriend and I went on a walk together, and I mean a real walk (almost 5 miles) :). I'm glad to see that he is doing this, it's good for us, but good for him as well. It's a necessary evil working out is. It's good to help lower a lot of things including stress and anxiety. But he's starting to feel proud of himself as he should I am too! I like seeing him do something and committing to it and being happy. It's really nice to see. Once you get those gears moving, it gets easier.
I on the other hand have been not too good on the food side of things (what's up with that?). But I'm not particularly angry about it. Maybe at times I feel kinda gross... but I've not been going on and on about it. I think it's because a part of me recognizes and is fully aware that "hey man, your choice". So in other words. Shouldn't complain if you did it an knew better. That and I'm getting to this point where I am better accepting of myself, and I don't hate people. I've never really "hated" "people" so much as been confused by them. And annoyed that I can't do. Lately all I've been trying to do, is just live through my eyes and not through my mind. Be in my body, not trying to be another person off to the side of me making sure that my actions don't make me look vulnerable. But that's what ever. I keep bringing to mind the very true phase as well "No one lives forever". It's dark, and inspiring. Hearing those words is haunting, yet a call to enjoy what you have while you have it. I've been opening myself to much more than I can remember. I'm not fond of the idea of missing out anymore. I've done nothing much since I've gotten out of high school. I'm 25 very nearly 26 and I have far less than I wish I did.So, I gotta look up, and look ahead. I've had some great experiences since I've moved out here, and a lot less pain. Again, I have to try and start taking some not too extreme risks. Because I repeat. I never would have moved out here and things would be very different. I might not even be here anymore... alive.. Moving away from that sad thought though. I have a surprisingly less sad story. I'm going to try and go without dairy for a month... Based on the results of that I will go from there and see how I feel/ look/ think etc. So ultimately if I do give it up, the only animal I'll eat is seafood, and egg. So essentially I'm only going to be eating, veggies, protein, and whole wheats. Wow that even sounds healthy. ^_^
CURRENT:
Well, about to go get a snack, open the blinds, alternate between practice, and job scouting, and write some new stuff actually.. we'll see how that goes... I've done some drawing projects recently and I think I had better chops at that when I was in third grade. Truly a skill you have to keep up. Otherwise not much more for today.
FUTURE:
Tomorrow! It's the witch thing! I'm nervous and excited... and nervous. I'm gonna go in as level as I can be. If they do that aura thing and what not... Idk.. my nerves my be even more exposed than I'd hope. But yeah, Maybe I'll meet some people on a similar wavelength. People who like the fall, who like the night and the moon. Etc. And then there's miscellaneous things, the art fair starts on wednesday, I have to see my psychiatrist on Thursday, and on friday.... NEW CELLDWELLER ALBUM... and a really big surprise that was just announced a couple of days ago. NEW SONIC MAYHEM ALBUM!! A day of great music indeed. Other than that I'm really just itching for july to run it's course... It's only good for those who are as enamored with it, as I am with with fall. And or the people who are going on a lot of vacations and stuff.
Yup,
That's it.
That's all.
That's the end.
That's That!
I'm going to go snack. <3
PAST:
Okay, I obviously have abandoned the ritual of writing one of these daily. But really there isn't an inherent need to. I was mainly doing it before to try and get what I was feeling out into the open, to get it out and kind of make it it's own entity. If that makes sense? I guess so I could look at in a third person perspective. But I can do that without one of these. that way I'm not making one of these everyday with the same things, or worse. NOTHING to say in them. Thus, I'll write these every other day or so... twice or thrice a week. But anyways. This weekend, has been unique, and this next venture I am taking will be interesting as well. How you ask? Well to answer about the weekend specifically, the boyfriend and I went on a walk together, and I mean a real walk (almost 5 miles) :). I'm glad to see that he is doing this, it's good for us, but good for him as well. It's a necessary evil working out is. It's good to help lower a lot of things including stress and anxiety. But he's starting to feel proud of himself as he should I am too! I like seeing him do something and committing to it and being happy. It's really nice to see. Once you get those gears moving, it gets easier.
I on the other hand have been not too good on the food side of things (what's up with that?). But I'm not particularly angry about it. Maybe at times I feel kinda gross... but I've not been going on and on about it. I think it's because a part of me recognizes and is fully aware that "hey man, your choice". So in other words. Shouldn't complain if you did it an knew better. That and I'm getting to this point where I am better accepting of myself, and I don't hate people. I've never really "hated" "people" so much as been confused by them. And annoyed that I can't do. Lately all I've been trying to do, is just live through my eyes and not through my mind. Be in my body, not trying to be another person off to the side of me making sure that my actions don't make me look vulnerable. But that's what ever. I keep bringing to mind the very true phase as well "No one lives forever". It's dark, and inspiring. Hearing those words is haunting, yet a call to enjoy what you have while you have it. I've been opening myself to much more than I can remember. I'm not fond of the idea of missing out anymore. I've done nothing much since I've gotten out of high school. I'm 25 very nearly 26 and I have far less than I wish I did.So, I gotta look up, and look ahead. I've had some great experiences since I've moved out here, and a lot less pain. Again, I have to try and start taking some not too extreme risks. Because I repeat. I never would have moved out here and things would be very different. I might not even be here anymore... alive.. Moving away from that sad thought though. I have a surprisingly less sad story. I'm going to try and go without dairy for a month... Based on the results of that I will go from there and see how I feel/ look/ think etc. So ultimately if I do give it up, the only animal I'll eat is seafood, and egg. So essentially I'm only going to be eating, veggies, protein, and whole wheats. Wow that even sounds healthy. ^_^
CURRENT:
Well, about to go get a snack, open the blinds, alternate between practice, and job scouting, and write some new stuff actually.. we'll see how that goes... I've done some drawing projects recently and I think I had better chops at that when I was in third grade. Truly a skill you have to keep up. Otherwise not much more for today.
FUTURE:
Tomorrow! It's the witch thing! I'm nervous and excited... and nervous. I'm gonna go in as level as I can be. If they do that aura thing and what not... Idk.. my nerves my be even more exposed than I'd hope. But yeah, Maybe I'll meet some people on a similar wavelength. People who like the fall, who like the night and the moon. Etc. And then there's miscellaneous things, the art fair starts on wednesday, I have to see my psychiatrist on Thursday, and on friday.... NEW CELLDWELLER ALBUM... and a really big surprise that was just announced a couple of days ago. NEW SONIC MAYHEM ALBUM!! A day of great music indeed. Other than that I'm really just itching for july to run it's course... It's only good for those who are as enamored with it, as I am with with fall. And or the people who are going on a lot of vacations and stuff.
Yup,
That's it.
That's all.
That's the end.
That's That!
I'm going to go snack. <3
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Clicks and pops
Today has been productive, and I'm trying to squeeze the very last juice into doing the needs I need and want to do. That's why these blog things will probably happen only like 4th day I think. Just so that I can allow myself more time to do everything hopefully, and the only real reason I am (kind of set back is: I'll explain in a minute.
PAST: Went to the counselor yesterday that seemed kinda rushed to be honest. Oh well. I really like walking places, but it does eat up a lot of time. So maybe I won't? I don't know lol. We did decide that I need to try and figure out how to keep myself engaged in my projects. Rather than saying that I have a ton of projects that I have never finished.
CURRENT: Bring us to today, where I woke up.... way too early and could not get back to sleep. This morning (after my first coffee in 2 weeks) I was doing my exercises very smoothly. I wrote down a ton of lists for about a solid hour and a half. They included the things that are utmost importance to me. They are goals, and plans and pretty specific ones at that. Today was eaten up a little bit by the fact that I did two time consuming things. One, I walked to get my hair cut... 2 I still needed to arrange and add files to my comp and back up all of the files on my external hard drive. Which... I just remembered I have to do. As well as still delete a couple of things I do not really use anymore. But this was one my agenda for today, and it is fairly fast, and I'll be able to knock this and a couple others off fairly easy. So that's where this is coming from. As a side note I have to mention that it felt such like early fall today, the grey but not raining weather, the air just cool enough to wear a light jacket if you wanted to. Awesome. BTW FULL MOON TONIGHT!!!
FUTURE: Tomorrow I will finish what ever I happened to not reach. Which will be like half to a quarter of the things. I mean I have options. It's really a matter of what I want. I would like to devote way more time to these, about 3 hours for one and at least one hour for the other. Or I could try and level with myself and only do an hour of each. I have come up with better composed ideas on how to accomplish my projects. Their not 100% solid. But that's still better I feel. The three main projects are kind of lined up and rationed out in order of importance. So, the sound stuff I should be doing to some degree (I'd like to do at least 3 hours a day) every day, I'm going to try and work on the grim spectrum a bit more. That would be the book or story rather that I started writing last year... So, we'll see how that goes... I plan on doing something that might help to motivate, and or encourage me to progress with it. Like posting pages of it on instagram or places where I can get some constructive criticism. I mean I personally think that the story and the characters are very dynamic in their own ways. I essentially have the whole story in my mind and how it will end etc. But it's the dialogue, and pacing that is a bit taxing. BUT taxing is good it shows heart. I have to make sure that I can keep the train rolling, because as I will always state. bipolar makes it hard sometimes to just function on a basic level, let alone thinking and working consistently. But hey, there are so many people doing great things out there with physical impairments, and mental challenges that surpass my own. Does that make my burden any less? No. But what it does is it gives me hope that I can move past the clouds over head and ascend... not like in... a religious sense. That's another thing I have to make sure that I write out is, a list of accomplishments dating all the way back to as far as I can remember. This should help greatly. Also writing a list of things that I would tell someone else as well as things I am constantly telling myself for advice.And of course I'd look up quotes from my favorite artists. Because a lot of them had to overcome things to reach the levels they are at now. It takes awhile, and for some people, they have the right connections, or the market themselves flawlessly, or are just utterly gifted. I am none of the above but I am persistent. I just need to try and figure out how to speed up my recoil time (or bounce back time whatever you want to call it). Because if I truly care about something or someone I try and come back... I try things 3 times, if it doesn't work out in that point in time I might give it another three more chances after 3 or more years. In the past I have left huge gaps between things stopped and started... and doubted and over thought leaving room for doubt to seep in. Sometimes you have to just make a decision and stand by it until it doesn';t work, and then you try something else. I know many of my artists that I look up to have failed many a time before reaching their current status. Persistence is a good trait to have. I also read that if you don't take risks (especially on an unconventional path) you might just miss out and stay put... I need to keep remembering that when I decided to move out here... It was with a house of complete strangers about 17 miles away from home... I was terrified. But it turned out that I'd be fine and that years later I'd be far better off than if I would have stayed back with my parents. Off subject though. All I know is that music has been the most constant and consistent part of my life. It's always been there, expanding my library, my tastes, the things that I recognize and question about not only the music but how and why the artist has done certain things. I'm noticing now more than ever details that I have never really looked at... I was hearing the music and not listening with the same attention I now give it. I've nearly always been able to hear a singer and or a voice and be able to tell the vocalist, even if I've never heard the song before.
Okay, gotta get back to the other things but I guess that I needed this SUPER reflective entry.
oh... I didn't even mention camping... Really quick - Everything is in place, I have set up "the rules" for myself that will help me to feel better and be a lot happier . Such as what I eat and when I will go to bed and that the exercise of choice will be walking. It's better than nothing so I'll take it!
BIG NEWS POSITIVE VIBESSS! STAY TUNED FOR POSSIBLE AWESOME NEWS!
PAST: Went to the counselor yesterday that seemed kinda rushed to be honest. Oh well. I really like walking places, but it does eat up a lot of time. So maybe I won't? I don't know lol. We did decide that I need to try and figure out how to keep myself engaged in my projects. Rather than saying that I have a ton of projects that I have never finished.
CURRENT: Bring us to today, where I woke up.... way too early and could not get back to sleep. This morning (after my first coffee in 2 weeks) I was doing my exercises very smoothly. I wrote down a ton of lists for about a solid hour and a half. They included the things that are utmost importance to me. They are goals, and plans and pretty specific ones at that. Today was eaten up a little bit by the fact that I did two time consuming things. One, I walked to get my hair cut... 2 I still needed to arrange and add files to my comp and back up all of the files on my external hard drive. Which... I just remembered I have to do. As well as still delete a couple of things I do not really use anymore. But this was one my agenda for today, and it is fairly fast, and I'll be able to knock this and a couple others off fairly easy. So that's where this is coming from. As a side note I have to mention that it felt such like early fall today, the grey but not raining weather, the air just cool enough to wear a light jacket if you wanted to. Awesome. BTW FULL MOON TONIGHT!!!
FUTURE: Tomorrow I will finish what ever I happened to not reach. Which will be like half to a quarter of the things. I mean I have options. It's really a matter of what I want. I would like to devote way more time to these, about 3 hours for one and at least one hour for the other. Or I could try and level with myself and only do an hour of each. I have come up with better composed ideas on how to accomplish my projects. Their not 100% solid. But that's still better I feel. The three main projects are kind of lined up and rationed out in order of importance. So, the sound stuff I should be doing to some degree (I'd like to do at least 3 hours a day) every day, I'm going to try and work on the grim spectrum a bit more. That would be the book or story rather that I started writing last year... So, we'll see how that goes... I plan on doing something that might help to motivate, and or encourage me to progress with it. Like posting pages of it on instagram or places where I can get some constructive criticism. I mean I personally think that the story and the characters are very dynamic in their own ways. I essentially have the whole story in my mind and how it will end etc. But it's the dialogue, and pacing that is a bit taxing. BUT taxing is good it shows heart. I have to make sure that I can keep the train rolling, because as I will always state. bipolar makes it hard sometimes to just function on a basic level, let alone thinking and working consistently. But hey, there are so many people doing great things out there with physical impairments, and mental challenges that surpass my own. Does that make my burden any less? No. But what it does is it gives me hope that I can move past the clouds over head and ascend... not like in... a religious sense. That's another thing I have to make sure that I write out is, a list of accomplishments dating all the way back to as far as I can remember. This should help greatly. Also writing a list of things that I would tell someone else as well as things I am constantly telling myself for advice.And of course I'd look up quotes from my favorite artists. Because a lot of them had to overcome things to reach the levels they are at now. It takes awhile, and for some people, they have the right connections, or the market themselves flawlessly, or are just utterly gifted. I am none of the above but I am persistent. I just need to try and figure out how to speed up my recoil time (or bounce back time whatever you want to call it). Because if I truly care about something or someone I try and come back... I try things 3 times, if it doesn't work out in that point in time I might give it another three more chances after 3 or more years. In the past I have left huge gaps between things stopped and started... and doubted and over thought leaving room for doubt to seep in. Sometimes you have to just make a decision and stand by it until it doesn';t work, and then you try something else. I know many of my artists that I look up to have failed many a time before reaching their current status. Persistence is a good trait to have. I also read that if you don't take risks (especially on an unconventional path) you might just miss out and stay put... I need to keep remembering that when I decided to move out here... It was with a house of complete strangers about 17 miles away from home... I was terrified. But it turned out that I'd be fine and that years later I'd be far better off than if I would have stayed back with my parents. Off subject though. All I know is that music has been the most constant and consistent part of my life. It's always been there, expanding my library, my tastes, the things that I recognize and question about not only the music but how and why the artist has done certain things. I'm noticing now more than ever details that I have never really looked at... I was hearing the music and not listening with the same attention I now give it. I've nearly always been able to hear a singer and or a voice and be able to tell the vocalist, even if I've never heard the song before.
Okay, gotta get back to the other things but I guess that I needed this SUPER reflective entry.
oh... I didn't even mention camping... Really quick - Everything is in place, I have set up "the rules" for myself that will help me to feel better and be a lot happier . Such as what I eat and when I will go to bed and that the exercise of choice will be walking. It's better than nothing so I'll take it!
BIG NEWS POSITIVE VIBESSS! STAY TUNED FOR POSSIBLE AWESOME NEWS!
Thursday, April 23, 2015
U is for Underwear
i don't know why underwear... was the first thing that popped into my head.
hello again, Bry.
So today, is going pretty fast and pretty good... it's not taking for ever like some other days have felt this week. I've already cleaned up the house a bit... Reached out in the forums I frequent, looked up jobs, offered music to some youtubers I know, and, well that's about it thus far... But I feel that still... the rest of my day is up in the air... I need in the very least 2 more hours with music, ... I need to add more poems to the anthology and I will probably hit the town for the drum circle again...
I may or may not attempt the nerd Nite but that's because I found out yesterday that it it is... nerd... Nerd like... Sciencey.. not nerd like dorky... comics... monsters and stuff..... *shrugs*.
I'm gonna try and force myself to go, because: for one my friend not go... which in my adult mind shouldn't be a reason and is likely an excuse because I don't want to venture into the cold.
that alone might be enough to keep me away from the nerd nite thing, because if I'm already uncomfortable.. and going into more uncertainty... hmmm seems a little shaky on how things might go down. But! you never know... I sure as hell have surprised myself numerous times this year, and it's barely the 2nd quarter of the year.
So as I see it if I go, it starts at 7... at least 2 hours of music and half an hour of adding to the anthology leads me up to about... 5pm.
*looks outside... listens to the whipping wind*
Ew.
You know for a decade I had let my hair kind of define me... I'm still playing with it obviously but still... there are more pros to have my hair short than long. I mean, saves money, both on hair cuts and gels, and sprays, and dyes and bleach etc. This crappy stuff called "wind" isn't as much of a pain in my ass, no bedhead, no one can mess up my hair.. bees can't hide in it (that happened once),
The only real downsides I see are that my head get's a little colder in the cold seasons, BUT! there's a plus to that too that means that my head will be cooler in the summer! I can't do much with it, thus it keeps me looking very nearly the same everyday so- I have to rely more so on what I wear and accessorize some in order to make up for that I feel... *shrugs* I love being able to look at things with a couple of different angles. It really helps to keep you from being bummed about things that can't be controlled or just things that you don't like. Alright well, I'm going to try and do whatever it is I'm going to do now, MUAH! <B
hello again, Bry.
So today, is going pretty fast and pretty good... it's not taking for ever like some other days have felt this week. I've already cleaned up the house a bit... Reached out in the forums I frequent, looked up jobs, offered music to some youtubers I know, and, well that's about it thus far... But I feel that still... the rest of my day is up in the air... I need in the very least 2 more hours with music, ... I need to add more poems to the anthology and I will probably hit the town for the drum circle again...
I may or may not attempt the nerd Nite but that's because I found out yesterday that it it is... nerd... Nerd like... Sciencey.. not nerd like dorky... comics... monsters and stuff..... *shrugs*.
I'm gonna try and force myself to go, because: for one my friend not go... which in my adult mind shouldn't be a reason and is likely an excuse because I don't want to venture into the cold.
that alone might be enough to keep me away from the nerd nite thing, because if I'm already uncomfortable.. and going into more uncertainty... hmmm seems a little shaky on how things might go down. But! you never know... I sure as hell have surprised myself numerous times this year, and it's barely the 2nd quarter of the year.
So as I see it if I go, it starts at 7... at least 2 hours of music and half an hour of adding to the anthology leads me up to about... 5pm.
*looks outside... listens to the whipping wind*
Ew.
You know for a decade I had let my hair kind of define me... I'm still playing with it obviously but still... there are more pros to have my hair short than long. I mean, saves money, both on hair cuts and gels, and sprays, and dyes and bleach etc. This crappy stuff called "wind" isn't as much of a pain in my ass, no bedhead, no one can mess up my hair.. bees can't hide in it (that happened once),
The only real downsides I see are that my head get's a little colder in the cold seasons, BUT! there's a plus to that too that means that my head will be cooler in the summer! I can't do much with it, thus it keeps me looking very nearly the same everyday so- I have to rely more so on what I wear and accessorize some in order to make up for that I feel... *shrugs* I love being able to look at things with a couple of different angles. It really helps to keep you from being bummed about things that can't be controlled or just things that you don't like. Alright well, I'm going to try and do whatever it is I'm going to do now, MUAH! <B
Friday, April 17, 2015
O is for Orange
Scream all you want no one can hear you. Take a tear at the night if you can't help but feel that you were left here on purpose. furrow your eyebrows and try to convince yourself this was all a mistake and then move on to convince someone who might care... Freedom lies in your veins, that very same irony bars you.
i don't know what all that's about i felt it come on... so I went with it. Today is ... odd. Like yesterday was odd. I'm not sure if it's due to the breaking of bedtimes or indulging in certain foods or both really... But I'll step back on both of those as much as I can... I mean after all.. no one really likes admitting they need sleep... No one wants to admit they can't eat what they want all of the time. But that's just the reality of things. I know that I might not get to watch certain things if I go to bed early, bu that's too bad... I'd rather be more awake and alert the next day... I keep telling myself too that I will work on my music more and more... Giving only about the last hour or 2 of the day before bed to myself... It's far harder to accept our needs and have to's as opposed to our wants and desires. I need to work more. Perhaps not harder... but in higher amounts... there might become a time where I am up for hours beyond my sleep... that habit will most likely form when I really start to understand the software I am using. It took me a at least a year and a half before I found out pretty much everything I could in my original program.. I felt a little like I should have been wearing a dunce cap.. I could have learned that in 4 months tops, had I been at it longer... But that's been done. I just need to make sure that I get into and crack the info for what I am working with and make sure i get back into a flow.
I know by instinct how to damage my ambitions... I've done it for too long. I must train...(take it as easy on myself as I can while doing so) to be something that both a younger and my current self can just be excited about... I've been feeding this fire little by little and it's been showing...
Sure it will suck in the beginning ... a lot of things do... i keep telling myself... Bry, you don't have friends so where is your time invested... it's not like people are distracting you. I've gotta take this more serious in regards that I want it... Even I don't "Create" anything I have to learn what I'm doing and work with it... just doing that enough ... putting in the time is what's most important...
That's my little rant...
I'm also not 100% certain I took my med yesterday either *shrugs* I did today though so, there's that.
I'm going to go and try to be productive.
<B
Saturday, April 11, 2015
J is for Jester
So today, is off to a good start.
It's sunny, the sky is blue, and I have ideas.
The ideas I have include further sprucing up my little "office" By adding some bright colors for some color psychology if you will.
I want to make sure to try different colors of bright poster boards and see how that goes.
But it should definitely help to improve things I believe.
I am a little back and forth.. off topic with any one thought.
That much is apparent.
But I have energy! So yeah!
I think as a plan D. I will try and do overnights.
I really want a job that involves moving. Which is funny because what I ultimately want to do is sit a desk and point and click and type away all day. BUT! While venting and creating. Pretty different from the average office job.
If I don not find something by the end of wither this month or next. I will be nightshift bound... and if it becomes a problem this time around then I will just need to fix it.
I realize one of the reasons as to why I am a little bummed lately... it's the dumb friend thing. I want to have friends especially now that it's nice out but that's whatever. I gotta keep telling myself that I can use that to my advantage. Everything has it's plus and minuses.. I need to believe that but.,... all humans need to be social to some degree.
and I truly need to block everything out to get ahead on my path... do worry about who's doing what... or who's going where... or what you are lacking... Much like when I used to walk really long distances... I'd keep going. Why? because I wanted what I wanted and I knew I was the only one who could do it for me. Funny how when I was younger I understood that more and I worked with it more..
But back then it was more of a coping mechanism. Because I feel that when the initial shocks of my family fall outs settled I let those thoughts go, or at least grow soft. I'm slowly uncovering those shards... and those brought a sense of strength and obliviousness to me that attracted people to me... because I didn't really care about the rest of the world... I just did what I liked and I liked what I did... But when I really started to "fit in"... I lost my fight a bit. I gave my all to my friends at the time. I still would in all honestly... but I need to come first nowadays... because I have goals I musn't let be tampered with... I've done my math and heard that for successful people being selfish in some matters is perfectly normal. Makes sense, like if someone makes food and you won't eat it because you're watching your waist... might hurt them... but you have your own agenda... they'll get over it... but if you have that food... it'll probably leave a problem in your head for longer than it would that person you said no to.
Holding ground... If I really want this I can't be wishy washy.
It's sunny, the sky is blue, and I have ideas.
The ideas I have include further sprucing up my little "office" By adding some bright colors for some color psychology if you will.
I want to make sure to try different colors of bright poster boards and see how that goes.
But it should definitely help to improve things I believe.
I am a little back and forth.. off topic with any one thought.
That much is apparent.
But I have energy! So yeah!
I think as a plan D. I will try and do overnights.
I really want a job that involves moving. Which is funny because what I ultimately want to do is sit a desk and point and click and type away all day. BUT! While venting and creating. Pretty different from the average office job.
If I don not find something by the end of wither this month or next. I will be nightshift bound... and if it becomes a problem this time around then I will just need to fix it.
I realize one of the reasons as to why I am a little bummed lately... it's the dumb friend thing. I want to have friends especially now that it's nice out but that's whatever. I gotta keep telling myself that I can use that to my advantage. Everything has it's plus and minuses.. I need to believe that but.,... all humans need to be social to some degree.
and I truly need to block everything out to get ahead on my path... do worry about who's doing what... or who's going where... or what you are lacking... Much like when I used to walk really long distances... I'd keep going. Why? because I wanted what I wanted and I knew I was the only one who could do it for me. Funny how when I was younger I understood that more and I worked with it more..
But back then it was more of a coping mechanism. Because I feel that when the initial shocks of my family fall outs settled I let those thoughts go, or at least grow soft. I'm slowly uncovering those shards... and those brought a sense of strength and obliviousness to me that attracted people to me... because I didn't really care about the rest of the world... I just did what I liked and I liked what I did... But when I really started to "fit in"... I lost my fight a bit. I gave my all to my friends at the time. I still would in all honestly... but I need to come first nowadays... because I have goals I musn't let be tampered with... I've done my math and heard that for successful people being selfish in some matters is perfectly normal. Makes sense, like if someone makes food and you won't eat it because you're watching your waist... might hurt them... but you have your own agenda... they'll get over it... but if you have that food... it'll probably leave a problem in your head for longer than it would that person you said no to.
Holding ground... If I really want this I can't be wishy washy.
Monday, March 9, 2015
B00M
Teehehhee
Last couple days A.K.A the weekend were cool in a big way.
(not sure when my last post was, probably like wednesday or something. )
Friday was weird, when I let my issues kind of take over, and just ate, and slept, and did nothing... Yeah, one of those.
Saturday was different. Lately, I've stressing on the two major factors in my life right now which is trying to learn what I want to learn in the realm of sound, and two finding work to hold things down until the move to Florida. (Finding out locations to move and such is it's own story.
Last week I fretted, going back and forth from the plan of doing have a day of sound, and half a day of music.... to doing one day music, one day jobs. Both of these stressed me out.
In the past, I would think about things so much and stress so much importance in things that I kind of paralyzed myself. This was the case with the two patterns I was attempting. i was coming at them all wrong really. I should be doing both everyday, with the job as my predominant focus, but darting to the sound and music when I need a break. I learned this on Saturday when I didn't feel I HAD to do anything. it was in the back of my head I and I did it. Same with other chores and wants that I have. I should really just do them in the time that I get tired or frustrated with the job hunt, and music, but of course return back to the hunt. it's good to have a more of a want mentality than a need. For the most part we all want what we need. When you want something (in my case at least) I am more inclined to move.
Yeah Saturday was a good one. because I came up with some other great solutions and what not.
School: I will not be taking classes in the spring. There are about 2 or three classes I want left and I can utilize the summer to begin work back up. I would definitely have to start work though... or stretch 1,000 over the course of 4 months 0.o Financial aid would give a cash boost in the fall, and I would not have to start paying back my loans until about the time we move to Florida. It sounds like I'm trying to skip out but I fully intend on paying it back. When I work I will even set aside money just for that purpose. The more I organize the faster and stronger I become at things.
Work: I need to for multiple reasons. First is to help my Boyfriend. Second is to start building up cash to start paying my loans back. Third is that I want money to feed into the new sound habit... It's really addictive when you start to learn about things. The plan is to look for more of freelance jobs at first, searching for those types of jobs for about a month.. The beauty with a lot of the ones I'm looking at is that I could do multiple jobs that equal out to one regular job. I have no problem with that considering that I get bored pretty easy. The most I've ever stayed with one job is a year by choice. The only thing with looking for work outside of retail and fast food is that there is quite a lot of uncertainty. let's say Macy's is hiring, you know it's legit because it's a big well known name. burger king the same thing. Venturing outside of those realms though, risks must be taken. The only way to really know in a lot of ways for anything really is to try it. do it. Worst thing, it doesn't work. You won't die.
Part two of the work hunt plan is to look at truck loaders. That or as a final option. Working overnights. I might have stressed before that working nights might be an issue for my well being... Hard for me to judge completely because that last time I did (and had a mental breakdown) there was so much that I wasn't used to that I overloaded and crashed. A poor diet of sugar, salt, and grease, Energy drinks and coffee constantly pumping through my veins. Two back to back jobs that equaled to about 16 hours a day or more, and I had a mental disorder that had not even been diagnosed yet. So, I might be able to work nights, who knows. The only issue I'll have is I'll miss the sun. But to me I just have to balance the dislikes of missing the sun to the dislike of dealing with people. People can make or break a work experience, I'd in the very least like to have some awesome coworkers, let alone care about what it is I'm doing or selling. I'd be way more proficient than feeling like I just lied to a person between my teeth about some terrible product they just bought.
Self joy. Not masturbation. I know that it is truly good for one to do at least one thing for them self a day if not a couple small things. It will help fuel you by making you feel good, and the cycle goes on. I'm going to try and practice this again, when I get stumped in all of my online ventures. (did you know that staring at a screen too long can actually make you tired? I didn't. Love psychology) One of the ways I'll capture some magic daily is to just sit and listen to music, do nothing else just sit with headphones in kind of a meditated state. I used to do this a lot when I was younger and it helped me to open my head and be a little more creative and invested in doing things. The other is walking. Especially now that the sun is starting to show more. If we get through this month like this. There's a pretty good chance that Michigan's spring has sprung.
Alright, that's all Going to check the weather, probably walk, and then get to work.
<B
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
I'm hiding don't look!
.... what did I just say!?!?!
well, this is awkward.
I've been making video more so lately, I feel they give a little bit more character. I'll probably look back at them less, I don't know yet as I barely lt look back at my typed stuff. Unless they are super fond moments like the one August morning I had that was just super euphoric.
Sucked yesterday Because i really love what I had said... I know what I said, kind of but it is mute. OH No!
It basically said that I am throwing myself at what I need to get done. There are two major things I am looking at and my day will revolve around those. They are: learning music and studying youtube videos and doing my own personal digging around. What sucks for the most part is I am off the radar. I don't have network connections or things of that nature yet so I have to start from scratch. I feel like many people in the biz for the market that i want to enter are a little older anyways so I'm not fretting too too much. As long as I work on it everyday for as long as I can I should learn... and grow and get closer to the dream. But there is a balance. I want and need to be around people.
The second thing to devote attention to is job seeking both traditional and not.
By now it's fairly evident that I'd rather be one behind the curtain than center stage. That being said, I feel the best job types for me would be stocking and or truck loading and unloading, always liked that aspect of my other jobs... I felt free compared to the rest of my peers. Didn't have to wear an apron, all I had to do was pull in our stock, take inventory, and put it away. simple and very little dealing with others.
The video pretty much states that I have a nice mixture of seasonal affective disorder, bipolar, and social anxiety... so I crash faster than most in social situations. Probably due to my consistent lack of friends and confinement to my room. I want to if possible, find work inside of the house first. If not I'll venture to find aforementioned work behind the scenes. (random I spell aforementioned right but messed up spelling behind.)
I often times wonder if I welcome it or do it out of habit.. the whole room thing. But then I recall that tremendous itch I get to be outside.... uh oh. conflict of interest. I want to work with music and sounds and be in the digital world... and get to be outside!? hmmmm.
A lot of how I feel is a bit paradoxical in nature. So, a lot of times I have to kind of shrug and say... okay, whatever happens, happens.
I also skipped the video today because I am wearing the same thing from yesterday. I tend to do that in the winter because no one knows I'm doing it... he he he >;)
So, job research and hunting, and sound research and hunting one thing is for sure...:
(you should watch this episode of Adventure time by the way "Another way" is the title)
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Friday, January 30, 2015
Suck at hide and seek
Yeah, I can't hide very well.
it's definitely needed in real life. Oddly enough, you need to be some degree of "fake" in the "real" world. I've always found the concept concerning. I've also find it odd how people let one aspect of themselves become the main presentation of them self ... which is not usually noticed by them...
Is it clear that I'm no entirely focused today? yep. Sho is. So, what I'm ultimately getting at is, that I like being able to be me, say what I want and whatever. there's a nagging sense of insincerity otherwise. I mean, I feel, for the most part that I can't-" just be "sometimes. (this is usually when I'm a bit down... which the winter is assisting me greatly with.) Example... In my classes ... it's so quiet and people really don't talk to each other. When I do I have major communication break downs... but they are guys, so there's that normal obstacle for me. I know we have common interests because of the class.. but it doesn't really extend into genres. So beyond wanting to create music... there's nothing... Do I say.... How bout that super plate sunday? Oh... yeah bowl... *awkwardly darts off*
When I do feel inclined to let me out... I just feel like a bass in a world of treble.. (I just learned that treble is easily absorbed by objects whereas bass cuts through.) I feel unstoppable.
It's very obvious at this point in time that I keep my eye on my actions. because that's the only way to stop and or fix something. I'm trying to listen to what my heart, head, and body say all at once. Everyone would be a little bit better, but the truth is one or two are often overlooked or locked up. People don't want to let out emotion, or people don't want to look dumb, or people push their physical limits until they crash... I'm trying to listen.... These three things I feel are a core basis of everything. Because everything starts with the individual.
Again, I have lost track.
But I guess not really. this entry is just a therapeutic remedy at the moment. I need to talk and hear myself so to speak. I've quick caffeine, rather I'm in the process of. I've been doing research on how to guard myself from old man winter's psychological attacks. Sapping energy, motivation, interest. I've read coffee as being good, and bad. Good because it helps stimulate happy parts of your brain. Bad because it is much like a drug, and you hit further down once the initial kick dies off. Which, is very tricky at this point in time. I can't have it. I've also began to listen to psybient, goa trance, and some other light variations of electronic music. I use it in the morning before I work out to just think. It's very good for thinking because it sounds nice and smooth and it's not over stimulating.
I had to back off from one of my classes... One I knew in the back of my head that I should never have taken, at least not this semester. trust yourself. I knew back then that, that specific class with my current frame of mind would be too cumbersome.
BUUUUT let's talk about some positive stuff now. I'm learning some cool stuff in class, I like my teachers. I feel I'm getting better but. I'm severely impatient and just want to be "there". Ummmm It's almost Valentine's day (my 2nd favorite holiday) and that is right after, ... FRIDAY THE 13th!!! I like to try and regard these as mini Halloweens. And then... there's another fri 13th before my 3rd favorite holiday St' patricks day... Oh and I'm Going to VEGAS in just 4 weeks. At least January is over... the worst month of the year is done... It's getting lighter earlier holidays are popping up.
Lastly, I finally have contact with the school radio station, and I should have a slot on Thursday at 5pm I believe. It will be called EclecticA and it will last for an hour. So, 4 Awesome things slated for the coming month. Fuck you January, fuck - you.XD Radio-Love-13- and Vegas. <B
it's definitely needed in real life. Oddly enough, you need to be some degree of "fake" in the "real" world. I've always found the concept concerning. I've also find it odd how people let one aspect of themselves become the main presentation of them self ... which is not usually noticed by them...
Is it clear that I'm no entirely focused today? yep. Sho is. So, what I'm ultimately getting at is, that I like being able to be me, say what I want and whatever. there's a nagging sense of insincerity otherwise. I mean, I feel, for the most part that I can't-" just be "sometimes. (this is usually when I'm a bit down... which the winter is assisting me greatly with.) Example... In my classes ... it's so quiet and people really don't talk to each other. When I do I have major communication break downs... but they are guys, so there's that normal obstacle for me. I know we have common interests because of the class.. but it doesn't really extend into genres. So beyond wanting to create music... there's nothing... Do I say.... How bout that super plate sunday? Oh... yeah bowl... *awkwardly darts off*
When I do feel inclined to let me out... I just feel like a bass in a world of treble.. (I just learned that treble is easily absorbed by objects whereas bass cuts through.) I feel unstoppable.
It's very obvious at this point in time that I keep my eye on my actions. because that's the only way to stop and or fix something. I'm trying to listen to what my heart, head, and body say all at once. Everyone would be a little bit better, but the truth is one or two are often overlooked or locked up. People don't want to let out emotion, or people don't want to look dumb, or people push their physical limits until they crash... I'm trying to listen.... These three things I feel are a core basis of everything. Because everything starts with the individual.
Again, I have lost track.
But I guess not really. this entry is just a therapeutic remedy at the moment. I need to talk and hear myself so to speak. I've quick caffeine, rather I'm in the process of. I've been doing research on how to guard myself from old man winter's psychological attacks. Sapping energy, motivation, interest. I've read coffee as being good, and bad. Good because it helps stimulate happy parts of your brain. Bad because it is much like a drug, and you hit further down once the initial kick dies off. Which, is very tricky at this point in time. I can't have it. I've also began to listen to psybient, goa trance, and some other light variations of electronic music. I use it in the morning before I work out to just think. It's very good for thinking because it sounds nice and smooth and it's not over stimulating.
I had to back off from one of my classes... One I knew in the back of my head that I should never have taken, at least not this semester. trust yourself. I knew back then that, that specific class with my current frame of mind would be too cumbersome.
BUUUUT let's talk about some positive stuff now. I'm learning some cool stuff in class, I like my teachers. I feel I'm getting better but. I'm severely impatient and just want to be "there". Ummmm It's almost Valentine's day (my 2nd favorite holiday) and that is right after, ... FRIDAY THE 13th!!! I like to try and regard these as mini Halloweens. And then... there's another fri 13th before my 3rd favorite holiday St' patricks day... Oh and I'm Going to VEGAS in just 4 weeks. At least January is over... the worst month of the year is done... It's getting lighter earlier holidays are popping up.
Lastly, I finally have contact with the school radio station, and I should have a slot on Thursday at 5pm I believe. It will be called EclecticA and it will last for an hour. So, 4 Awesome things slated for the coming month. Fuck you January, fuck - you.XD Radio-Love-13- and Vegas. <B
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
The clouds are your enemy
So, lock your cross hairs
Translation:....
....... [ Aim high].....
I resolute to aim up. I feel that what better way to discover where we are, than to figure out where we are not.
Sounds confusing just typing it. But what I mean is I feel that by aiming for more this year, that should I not make all of it... I've still achieved a whole lot. hence the aiming for the deadlines of 4 times a month with the music. for one, that helps me to focus. there will be a lot of that this year,
[{(FOCUS)}]
a key term for 2015
For me it will be all about collecting my totems and keeping them. Sure, I've made leaps in the direction of confidence and hope that I can do whatever. I went to some parties the past couple of days and I did really well. I did not crumble under my own impressions of how I'd be seen. Nope, instead I sold myself as is. And turns out people accepted it. Well, not all but thats to be expected.
I know far well the things and the amount of focus in which i'd need to do them. I realized that my mornings, though fairly organized and what not... are still kind of loose. I have a formula but it's not all that time sensitive. But the more productive and fulfilling part of me beckons for more time... So, I'm going to start timing myself, counting in my head and or setting an external phone alarm if I must. I get distracted.. I get caught up... take fairly unnecessary detours.
Same applies to health and my back and forth efforts. After 2014 is toast my eating habits simply must return to whee they were prior to september when I said it was okay to eat certain things... before my eye malfunctioned and sent me into a malicious effort to self soothe, and before I gobbled and guzzled myself to an unsatisfactory form... I'm cool though, I know I can kill it. Unlike prior weight gains... I have been fully aware of it all... when I was eating bad things, bad times etc.. When you know and accept things is when it makes things easier. Thus, I'm not as affected by this with anger and sadness I might have been before. Not to say that I'm not a little bummed. Oh well! ;p.
But the focus on that, especially with school, will be to eat healthy, eat enough, work out, eat things that dont need refrigeration, or a microwave, and has protein etc. Tough thus far.. it's not a formula I was ready for. So I need to study that as well I suppose.
Again, I'll have to be ( I wanted to type merciless) persistent in order to achieve things for my music... to wrap up my poetry... because things of this nature seldom "just happen". I came to a weird thought yesterday, it makes sense- the direction I'm headed in. I've never really been conventional. Why would my ultimate calling be? I feel no passion for everyday dreams that most little kids look up to. When I was little I was told I could be anything... I've also seen patterns.. Been in and out of choir, love music, always talking about it, always wanted a band... and persistence. nearly everything I put down I'll pick back up at some point... even if it's just to reflect and examine it. But most things I'll try in 3's. I'll seldom remove ideas from my head completely. music,
I've reached an untapped reserve of myself that's always been a part of me. It's filled with insight... but most of all curiosity a huge motivation for most anything that I have ever done at my best. be it art of anything else. Everything is a science experiment. I'm conducting tests again. What I mean is, I'm exploring possibilities, even in social circumstances. I'm trying to see what interaction gets what reactions,... what I can get away with saying... what is tactful, and how do I do it? is it like tactical? Do I get a vest? FOCUS... Ah, yes I guess you say that in essence I am now testing my voice, my very presence in the world... and I'm making more of a blip on the radar than years prior.
Well, since it is nearly 1 in the morning and I cannot sleep right now... I'm entitled to be unfocused and leave you with the last thing rattling itself onto the screen.
The first four songs of the year will be
Ascend (30 second intro)
Gilded
Hierarchy
Midas
These are just titles, I have to let them happen organically. I want them to have a theme each month but... they will not necessarily sound interconnected.
I might not post till the new year... if not 2015 HARK! (but if I do it'll be top 10 lists those are always fun right?....RIGHT?!?!... oh crickets I missed you. <B
Translation:....
....... [ Aim high].....
I resolute to aim up. I feel that what better way to discover where we are, than to figure out where we are not.
Sounds confusing just typing it. But what I mean is I feel that by aiming for more this year, that should I not make all of it... I've still achieved a whole lot. hence the aiming for the deadlines of 4 times a month with the music. for one, that helps me to focus. there will be a lot of that this year,
[{(FOCUS)}]
a key term for 2015
For me it will be all about collecting my totems and keeping them. Sure, I've made leaps in the direction of confidence and hope that I can do whatever. I went to some parties the past couple of days and I did really well. I did not crumble under my own impressions of how I'd be seen. Nope, instead I sold myself as is. And turns out people accepted it. Well, not all but thats to be expected.
I know far well the things and the amount of focus in which i'd need to do them. I realized that my mornings, though fairly organized and what not... are still kind of loose. I have a formula but it's not all that time sensitive. But the more productive and fulfilling part of me beckons for more time... So, I'm going to start timing myself, counting in my head and or setting an external phone alarm if I must. I get distracted.. I get caught up... take fairly unnecessary detours.
Same applies to health and my back and forth efforts. After 2014 is toast my eating habits simply must return to whee they were prior to september when I said it was okay to eat certain things... before my eye malfunctioned and sent me into a malicious effort to self soothe, and before I gobbled and guzzled myself to an unsatisfactory form... I'm cool though, I know I can kill it. Unlike prior weight gains... I have been fully aware of it all... when I was eating bad things, bad times etc.. When you know and accept things is when it makes things easier. Thus, I'm not as affected by this with anger and sadness I might have been before. Not to say that I'm not a little bummed. Oh well! ;p.
But the focus on that, especially with school, will be to eat healthy, eat enough, work out, eat things that dont need refrigeration, or a microwave, and has protein etc. Tough thus far.. it's not a formula I was ready for. So I need to study that as well I suppose.
Again, I'll have to be ( I wanted to type merciless) persistent in order to achieve things for my music... to wrap up my poetry... because things of this nature seldom "just happen". I came to a weird thought yesterday, it makes sense- the direction I'm headed in. I've never really been conventional. Why would my ultimate calling be? I feel no passion for everyday dreams that most little kids look up to. When I was little I was told I could be anything... I've also seen patterns.. Been in and out of choir, love music, always talking about it, always wanted a band... and persistence. nearly everything I put down I'll pick back up at some point... even if it's just to reflect and examine it. But most things I'll try in 3's. I'll seldom remove ideas from my head completely. music,
I've reached an untapped reserve of myself that's always been a part of me. It's filled with insight... but most of all curiosity a huge motivation for most anything that I have ever done at my best. be it art of anything else. Everything is a science experiment. I'm conducting tests again. What I mean is, I'm exploring possibilities, even in social circumstances. I'm trying to see what interaction gets what reactions,... what I can get away with saying... what is tactful, and how do I do it? is it like tactical? Do I get a vest? FOCUS... Ah, yes I guess you say that in essence I am now testing my voice, my very presence in the world... and I'm making more of a blip on the radar than years prior.
Well, since it is nearly 1 in the morning and I cannot sleep right now... I'm entitled to be unfocused and leave you with the last thing rattling itself onto the screen.
The first four songs of the year will be
Ascend (30 second intro)
Gilded
Hierarchy
Midas
These are just titles, I have to let them happen organically. I want them to have a theme each month but... they will not necessarily sound interconnected.
I might not post till the new year... if not 2015 HARK! (but if I do it'll be top 10 lists those are always fun right?....RIGHT?!?!... oh crickets I missed you. <B
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
You did the hokie pokie?!!! Who with?!?!
So yeah, I've been handling myself rather well all things considered... (not that things are inherently bad or anything no.) It's almost always an internal thing for me. But I've been dealing with it... I've been having major successes lately. They would be minute to most... but for me they are almost on the cusp of miraculous.
I've been learning to converse with those around me. I've been maintaining what to say and how to be tactful about it. You see, for the longest time I had been afraid to say what was on my mind for fear of ridicule or someone not understanding. But I've taken the liberty of reassuring myself that, that does not matter in most situations. I am making my way to being who I want to be.
But anyways, I've had some really beautiful and positive experiences, even in my little winter slum. At the first of the month I had some really fond moments... subtle but touching. I do have a bit of a nurturing side. I was a at a kid party, and this adorable little guy runs straight up to me... I made a face and he got real close, and pushed his head against mine... not like a head but, just put his forehead on mine... adorable. Same party, another little one runs up latches to my leg and smiles at me before running off. again... super cute. But one of the best parts? I did pretty well, without booze. yeah- my social shield was down and I didn't (necessarily) need it. Shocking. But I know these people a bit better. That and I am pushing myself to be me, and say what I need to. Follow my conscience- gut feeling- nose... wait, no not nose that's toucan Sam from fruit loops.
Most recently I "graduated" my group therapy. Which ... I don't cry much anymore, but if I were to this would have been a moment for tears. My teachers were VERY impressed at the changes I've made in the year. (one of them said that in the last six months alone even). I had many people tell me I was a very good presence in the group... It was very nice to feel that warmth. There was a woman, a woman who I see great potential in... she was super sad, so I talked to her and picked her brain. Got her to laugh with a lesbian joke (because she likes ladies). Then at the end of the group... Still down. I said hey, as she was reaching for her bags...
"guess what!", I said
She kept asking what, ( this was all in a playful manner ^_^) I was waiting for her to stand upright. I told her I had a present but she needed to be facing me. She did and I gave her a huge hug!!! That was another beauty I'll keep in my heart. It shows me that not only do I still have a heart... but it can beat very very loud.
I've gone to 2 other parties. I'll be to the point about these. I faced them head on... both I didnt even think about who'd be there. I felt like a part of both crowds... rather than an outsider. and yeah I was still "different" but because I showed who I was that didn't isolate me. As I learn to follow better the four letter work inked on my back (LOVE). I learn to share it. My comments, if I feel inclined to leave them on social media are not made in hate. And, Should I say I don't like it I'll say why and give constructive not destructive criticism. Most of my comments don't get responses and... the ones that do are generally positive. I am the anti-troller.
Finally the current- and the my head lately. I may not understand how I'm achieving all of this. but.. I am. Even when I don't feel like doing things... I bargain with myself to say okay, you did that... that's awesome you really didn't want to... what's next? I'll admit this is at a bit slower of a pace than I would like... but I am slightly justifying it by the amount of work I hope to take on and accomplish in the coming year. I'm learning to listen to those phat beats (hehe PH- fat) that resonate from my chest... They tell me what I need to do, get things done... when everything feels right.
I was despairing- I couldn't figuring out my little "complex studio" I wasn't going to deal with setting it up till next year. I learned how to set it up already... again... I underestimated... me. But it's okay, it's all the better when you can stand your ground against your own criticisms... it's one of the hardest (I find) to do. But if and when you can... it's only diesel to keep you propelling.
Today I said something... I'v been giving little mantras and sage-ish advice to myself. Like, you'll never go anywhere if you don't start the car.... or struggles are quicksand... you can thrash and cuss, and scream... when sometimes all you need is a level head.
Heh, again I have to keep coming up with different variations of these to suit the moments but they help and that's all that matters.
And, I think that's all for now. I really enjoyed writing this... this just might be my very favorite entry. And, Hopefully there is nothing but more of this to come. <B
I've been learning to converse with those around me. I've been maintaining what to say and how to be tactful about it. You see, for the longest time I had been afraid to say what was on my mind for fear of ridicule or someone not understanding. But I've taken the liberty of reassuring myself that, that does not matter in most situations. I am making my way to being who I want to be.
But anyways, I've had some really beautiful and positive experiences, even in my little winter slum. At the first of the month I had some really fond moments... subtle but touching. I do have a bit of a nurturing side. I was a at a kid party, and this adorable little guy runs straight up to me... I made a face and he got real close, and pushed his head against mine... not like a head but, just put his forehead on mine... adorable. Same party, another little one runs up latches to my leg and smiles at me before running off. again... super cute. But one of the best parts? I did pretty well, without booze. yeah- my social shield was down and I didn't (necessarily) need it. Shocking. But I know these people a bit better. That and I am pushing myself to be me, and say what I need to. Follow my conscience- gut feeling- nose... wait, no not nose that's toucan Sam from fruit loops.
Most recently I "graduated" my group therapy. Which ... I don't cry much anymore, but if I were to this would have been a moment for tears. My teachers were VERY impressed at the changes I've made in the year. (one of them said that in the last six months alone even). I had many people tell me I was a very good presence in the group... It was very nice to feel that warmth. There was a woman, a woman who I see great potential in... she was super sad, so I talked to her and picked her brain. Got her to laugh with a lesbian joke (because she likes ladies). Then at the end of the group... Still down. I said hey, as she was reaching for her bags...
"guess what!", I said
She kept asking what, ( this was all in a playful manner ^_^) I was waiting for her to stand upright. I told her I had a present but she needed to be facing me. She did and I gave her a huge hug!!! That was another beauty I'll keep in my heart. It shows me that not only do I still have a heart... but it can beat very very loud.
I've gone to 2 other parties. I'll be to the point about these. I faced them head on... both I didnt even think about who'd be there. I felt like a part of both crowds... rather than an outsider. and yeah I was still "different" but because I showed who I was that didn't isolate me. As I learn to follow better the four letter work inked on my back (LOVE). I learn to share it. My comments, if I feel inclined to leave them on social media are not made in hate. And, Should I say I don't like it I'll say why and give constructive not destructive criticism. Most of my comments don't get responses and... the ones that do are generally positive. I am the anti-troller.
Finally the current- and the my head lately. I may not understand how I'm achieving all of this. but.. I am. Even when I don't feel like doing things... I bargain with myself to say okay, you did that... that's awesome you really didn't want to... what's next? I'll admit this is at a bit slower of a pace than I would like... but I am slightly justifying it by the amount of work I hope to take on and accomplish in the coming year. I'm learning to listen to those phat beats (hehe PH- fat) that resonate from my chest... They tell me what I need to do, get things done... when everything feels right.
I was despairing- I couldn't figuring out my little "complex studio" I wasn't going to deal with setting it up till next year. I learned how to set it up already... again... I underestimated... me. But it's okay, it's all the better when you can stand your ground against your own criticisms... it's one of the hardest (I find) to do. But if and when you can... it's only diesel to keep you propelling.
Today I said something... I'v been giving little mantras and sage-ish advice to myself. Like, you'll never go anywhere if you don't start the car.... or struggles are quicksand... you can thrash and cuss, and scream... when sometimes all you need is a level head.
Heh, again I have to keep coming up with different variations of these to suit the moments but they help and that's all that matters.
And, I think that's all for now. I really enjoyed writing this... this just might be my very favorite entry. And, Hopefully there is nothing but more of this to come. <B
Monday, December 22, 2014
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Old man winter
Man, I really hate to complain... but winter... I can handle it less and less every year.
Just killing time while I wait for all of my music to upload from my mp3 player to my desktop. So, that means I don't want to do too much in the way of mess with the actual computer ... and I can't listen to the music at the moment. So I'll talk to myself on here.
Hey Bry... How goes it?
I'm good... I guess ... this lack of sun thing... really messes with my mood.
I hear ya
I'm really doing all that I can to find motivation and energy where I can in these times... I try human diesel fuel (coffee) that seems to work.... seems to boost my mood... but I need at least 2 cups a day. As opposed to the usual one. I might be getting this thing called a sunrise alarm.. It's really supposed to help set you on track... as it gradually increases brightness in stead of abrupt loud noises and the like... Granted most, once they reach their full luminosity will make noise (again gradually). It works with the circadian rhythm.. I will do WHATEVER it takes to be the best me as possible... I really feel that that is what life is . Strife. Not the strife to be better than another but the strife toward self approval and accomplishment. And through those elements Happiness... a sense of wholeness that carries.
It's fairly easy for me to ignore that in the winter... I know .. but I'm doing to take happiness and motivation when I can. Be it by coffee, or...sunrise alarm etc.... mainly coffee though. gotta love the Java. My Song is due in 2 weeks... I only have one minute (out of the three I wish to have). I also want to add more to it. Very proud of my compositions.... I listen to them on my mp3 player.. and think of what I might do different.. and where the song will pick up.
I also think when I'm listening to my favorite artists how they did something... of what types of ways that I could do something similar. I'm starting to see it more as poetry... which it is in it's own right. A playground of sound rather than words. I'm on quite the hiatus with poetry. I have not written anything I've been happy with since September. Nor have I had much inspiration in the way of writing. I'm pretty one tracked. I get rather distracted and finish nothing if I don't look straight ahead.
But that's all really. Just some bowing matches with moods, thinking about music, and silently planning my attack on the coming year.
<B
Just killing time while I wait for all of my music to upload from my mp3 player to my desktop. So, that means I don't want to do too much in the way of mess with the actual computer ... and I can't listen to the music at the moment. So I'll talk to myself on here.
Hey Bry... How goes it?
I'm good... I guess ... this lack of sun thing... really messes with my mood.
I hear ya
I'm really doing all that I can to find motivation and energy where I can in these times... I try human diesel fuel (coffee) that seems to work.... seems to boost my mood... but I need at least 2 cups a day. As opposed to the usual one. I might be getting this thing called a sunrise alarm.. It's really supposed to help set you on track... as it gradually increases brightness in stead of abrupt loud noises and the like... Granted most, once they reach their full luminosity will make noise (again gradually). It works with the circadian rhythm.. I will do WHATEVER it takes to be the best me as possible... I really feel that that is what life is . Strife. Not the strife to be better than another but the strife toward self approval and accomplishment. And through those elements Happiness... a sense of wholeness that carries.
It's fairly easy for me to ignore that in the winter... I know .. but I'm doing to take happiness and motivation when I can. Be it by coffee, or...sunrise alarm etc.... mainly coffee though. gotta love the Java. My Song is due in 2 weeks... I only have one minute (out of the three I wish to have). I also want to add more to it. Very proud of my compositions.... I listen to them on my mp3 player.. and think of what I might do different.. and where the song will pick up.
I also think when I'm listening to my favorite artists how they did something... of what types of ways that I could do something similar. I'm starting to see it more as poetry... which it is in it's own right. A playground of sound rather than words. I'm on quite the hiatus with poetry. I have not written anything I've been happy with since September. Nor have I had much inspiration in the way of writing. I'm pretty one tracked. I get rather distracted and finish nothing if I don't look straight ahead.
But that's all really. Just some bowing matches with moods, thinking about music, and silently planning my attack on the coming year.
<B
Saturday, November 29, 2014
14 is Falling
Black is December's color
Depressing Color I know... but it is the end of a year. The Color suits it.
Thanksgiving went well.
I ate the most admittedly, I almost puked XD.
the and of this semester beckons as well as the end of my group therapy.
Yet, past mentioned possibilities await.
It's been the best year for me in many away, and I look forward for what's next.
cheers. <B
Depressing Color I know... but it is the end of a year. The Color suits it.
Thanksgiving went well.
I ate the most admittedly, I almost puked XD.
the and of this semester beckons as well as the end of my group therapy.
Yet, past mentioned possibilities await.
It's been the best year for me in many away, and I look forward for what's next.
cheers. <B
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
mystery doors
Scary or fun?
How about both. lately, I've been struggling... not necessarily depressed...
Well, a little I suppose. but it's a weird manageable issue.
I kind of let myself slip into it. Like this: The fall was around... and to help " get myself excited" I ate crap food, candy etc. I did really good all year without out it... After that came the eye issue... not much to do but sleep eat and listen to music when your eye is in pain and ya can't see... and of course he cold weather/ lack of sun combo. I also fell off my medication for a week.
Last year I did really well, with my basic issues and SAD... it barely affected me at all! I'm banking on my medication being the primary repellent. But I've read up on several things. I'm going all the things I need to be doing to combat it. I'm sunlamping, working out, taking vitamins, antidepressants etc. What I'm not doing too much of though is eating right.
How we acquire our "winter coats" is because of an old survival instinct we have hard wired into us. I've read this and heard this severeal times now. Our bodies, crave starches and other comfort foods. Which gets many into an all too familiar groove... You'll feel bad about it... and do it again and sleep and do it all again and spike some heavy resentment. orrrrrrrrrrr this is common in SAD sufferers more so. I can't speak for all. But Yeah I've been having some DEEP stomach wrenching hungers that aren't even justifiable... and... as I have read... I have been craving the carbs... I'm not one to take all I'm given by the media... but when I do my own research and I see several connections and similarities in data... I store it.
Maybe my SAD has upped itself/? can't say. Feels like it may have.
So I'll follow the steps I have not tried yet, as far as getting a sun alarm. (that's the only real thing that I have not tried).
All I know, more so now than ever, is... I hope to leave to a snow free state in the next 5 years. I want nothing more to do with the extra ups and downs of mood do to weather... I already have my own troubles with that. It can only improve by moving.
But moving... especially out of state can be very scary. I'd want to with my Boyfriend of course... I mean every one, everything I know is here.
I've been reading up on people with SAD and their moving experiences... many found it highly beneficial when they had fled. I read about how one woman did the opposite and moved from California to Michigan.... she said she got slammed with a bad case of it. It's not the Holidays that bother me. I adore them... it's the mental/emotional pandora's box that opens when the fall comes...
I'm truly losing my thirst for fall because of this...
Again when the time comes... I know I'll cry and feel really displaced for a little bit... and that was just switching cities....but somehow... with my ample curiosity I think it'll be better. <B
How about both. lately, I've been struggling... not necessarily depressed...
Well, a little I suppose. but it's a weird manageable issue.
I kind of let myself slip into it. Like this: The fall was around... and to help " get myself excited" I ate crap food, candy etc. I did really good all year without out it... After that came the eye issue... not much to do but sleep eat and listen to music when your eye is in pain and ya can't see... and of course he cold weather/ lack of sun combo. I also fell off my medication for a week.
Last year I did really well, with my basic issues and SAD... it barely affected me at all! I'm banking on my medication being the primary repellent. But I've read up on several things. I'm going all the things I need to be doing to combat it. I'm sunlamping, working out, taking vitamins, antidepressants etc. What I'm not doing too much of though is eating right.
How we acquire our "winter coats" is because of an old survival instinct we have hard wired into us. I've read this and heard this severeal times now. Our bodies, crave starches and other comfort foods. Which gets many into an all too familiar groove... You'll feel bad about it... and do it again and sleep and do it all again and spike some heavy resentment. orrrrrrrrrrr this is common in SAD sufferers more so. I can't speak for all. But Yeah I've been having some DEEP stomach wrenching hungers that aren't even justifiable... and... as I have read... I have been craving the carbs... I'm not one to take all I'm given by the media... but when I do my own research and I see several connections and similarities in data... I store it.
Maybe my SAD has upped itself/? can't say. Feels like it may have.
So I'll follow the steps I have not tried yet, as far as getting a sun alarm. (that's the only real thing that I have not tried).
All I know, more so now than ever, is... I hope to leave to a snow free state in the next 5 years. I want nothing more to do with the extra ups and downs of mood do to weather... I already have my own troubles with that. It can only improve by moving.
But moving... especially out of state can be very scary. I'd want to with my Boyfriend of course... I mean every one, everything I know is here.
I've been reading up on people with SAD and their moving experiences... many found it highly beneficial when they had fled. I read about how one woman did the opposite and moved from California to Michigan.... she said she got slammed with a bad case of it. It's not the Holidays that bother me. I adore them... it's the mental/emotional pandora's box that opens when the fall comes...
I'm truly losing my thirst for fall because of this...
Again when the time comes... I know I'll cry and feel really displaced for a little bit... and that was just switching cities....but somehow... with my ample curiosity I think it'll be better. <B
Monday, November 24, 2014
Level up
2015 goals. (the first half is key)
- Work with the radio station.
- Self publish a book of poetry.
- Learn to drive
- Join a group of some sort.
- Get certificate.
- Figure out next chapter for life.
- work for Halloween event.
- get first song used, and of published.
- 3 songs a month.
- Choose (make decisions and stick by them)
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
patch work
After my class yesterday... or during rather- either or. I talked over a very present feeling I have been tossing around in my head about the music.
I've expressed my sometimes apathetic feeling about trying... and that I repeatedly challenge those doubts with statements like:
Sure, you can't lose if you don't try... but you also can't go anyway...
So many things that music requires also apply to musicianship. It's an eye opener. Music, especially for a complete newcomer needs practice... practice takes patience, and patience is acquired through discipline. I keep getting more and more. Feeling that things are running in a a great big circle. That a lot of what I am uncovering is very relevant to each other.
Back to my talk with my instructor. He basically reaffirmed all that I just said.
I've been opening my ears to so much more music and finding things I probably would not have listened to in the past. Lately a lot of what I've been listening to is pretty mellow... or- not what I would expect I'd be listening to a year ago.
This music is great... it's giving me feelings... I can't express.. it's been years since music has evoked deep feelings... Yeah, sure, I'd have many rebel anthems, and songs of standing back up cued on my mp3 player... but not too much that made me think and made me feel a deep sincerity.
One goal I have in what ever my musical endeavors turns out be that I can reach people and do for them what my influences have done for me. I want to reach out and be involved with them.. My instructor stressed the importance of community yesterday as well.. on how it helps you to keep learning, helps them to learn, and ultimately networks you and helps you do better.
I'm very lucky I have a supportive boyfriend behind me in this. Perhaps with the coming days, I'll have made some friends that are similar in that regard. perhaps some friends with music interest in my classes.
But digging further into where I want to be... rather than further into myself ... oh... it's scary but feels..right. I can't wait to try my hand at the radio station of my school. and see what I do. I was thinking of calling my hour Ecclectica (an hour of difference.)
The thought is to use this time as experience with the equipment, getting some music people might not know about into their ears, and being a little self-promotional. I would largely start it out by playing the music I listen to, all of the genres. I would try and play about 1 or 2 known songs for every song of mine. That way people might be more inclined to stay and investigate. As for the self promotion, I think it'd be really cool to kind of wedge some of my stuff in as filler or background when I talk (if I do). I'm constantly trying to connect people to music when I can so this might be a VERY great way of doing so.
Sounds ambitious... ^_^
I also think that it is really cool what my final project will be for my art appreciation class. I'm going to make a poem and a song... They will be related... I'm going to probably make the song first and then right a poem based off of that or vice versa. So- hopefully what should be something fun for the rest of the class. considering I only talk to one person in it and most others will be drawing or painting.
RANDOM RANT 2: THE SHORTS OF IT.
People... especially of my age group.. I politely inquire... Why are you wearing shorts in this subarctic weather? Why are your coats gently collecting dust on the rack? I see you fine, and oblivious from the slit in my ski mask, 3 layers of jacket , and mittens... is it because warm doesn't look cute? Do you suffer for the aesthetic? Hmmmm you're probably not from here... we do live in Ann Arbor.... <B
I've expressed my sometimes apathetic feeling about trying... and that I repeatedly challenge those doubts with statements like:
Sure, you can't lose if you don't try... but you also can't go anyway...
So many things that music requires also apply to musicianship. It's an eye opener. Music, especially for a complete newcomer needs practice... practice takes patience, and patience is acquired through discipline. I keep getting more and more. Feeling that things are running in a a great big circle. That a lot of what I am uncovering is very relevant to each other.
Back to my talk with my instructor. He basically reaffirmed all that I just said.
I've been opening my ears to so much more music and finding things I probably would not have listened to in the past. Lately a lot of what I've been listening to is pretty mellow... or- not what I would expect I'd be listening to a year ago.
This music is great... it's giving me feelings... I can't express.. it's been years since music has evoked deep feelings... Yeah, sure, I'd have many rebel anthems, and songs of standing back up cued on my mp3 player... but not too much that made me think and made me feel a deep sincerity.
One goal I have in what ever my musical endeavors turns out be that I can reach people and do for them what my influences have done for me. I want to reach out and be involved with them.. My instructor stressed the importance of community yesterday as well.. on how it helps you to keep learning, helps them to learn, and ultimately networks you and helps you do better.
I'm very lucky I have a supportive boyfriend behind me in this. Perhaps with the coming days, I'll have made some friends that are similar in that regard. perhaps some friends with music interest in my classes.
But digging further into where I want to be... rather than further into myself ... oh... it's scary but feels..right. I can't wait to try my hand at the radio station of my school. and see what I do. I was thinking of calling my hour Ecclectica (an hour of difference.)
The thought is to use this time as experience with the equipment, getting some music people might not know about into their ears, and being a little self-promotional. I would largely start it out by playing the music I listen to, all of the genres. I would try and play about 1 or 2 known songs for every song of mine. That way people might be more inclined to stay and investigate. As for the self promotion, I think it'd be really cool to kind of wedge some of my stuff in as filler or background when I talk (if I do). I'm constantly trying to connect people to music when I can so this might be a VERY great way of doing so.
Sounds ambitious... ^_^
I also think that it is really cool what my final project will be for my art appreciation class. I'm going to make a poem and a song... They will be related... I'm going to probably make the song first and then right a poem based off of that or vice versa. So- hopefully what should be something fun for the rest of the class. considering I only talk to one person in it and most others will be drawing or painting.
RANDOM RANT 2: THE SHORTS OF IT.
People... especially of my age group.. I politely inquire... Why are you wearing shorts in this subarctic weather? Why are your coats gently collecting dust on the rack? I see you fine, and oblivious from the slit in my ski mask, 3 layers of jacket , and mittens... is it because warm doesn't look cute? Do you suffer for the aesthetic? Hmmmm you're probably not from here... we do live in Ann Arbor.... <B
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