icky icky whoopoing.

Monty python.

SOOOOO been a long time. Been busier than I'm used to which is both exciting and damning at the same time. I guess the past, and the current are one an the same for the time being.

I guess what I mean to say is, aside from a stronger motivation to get things done... I've been working far harder than I have before. and this started slightly before my classes too!. The classes are just amplifying things a bit. I've been trying to keep occupied at nearly all times... there, again is so much that I want to and hope to accomplish, and I'm late in comparison to many... but hey, I'm also ahead of some people too so, there's that.

I've gotten back into writing the abandoned story that I had started writing last year. My teachers as they have spoken have pretty much confirmed my attitude about things of late... Just do what you want to as far as art, if you mess up oh well! If it's crazy or sounds dumb... doesn't matter. Something good can come of it. you never know! If it's not obvious I resonate with both of my classes. I listen attentively to both my management and acting class teachers. The acting class I'll say has already been an experience and it's only been two classes. The first act is already this coming Thursday. It's easy enough for me to become a little overwhelmed with many people around as it is. But to have focus on me is very uncomfortable. BBUUUUUT I did that for a reason. You have to do scary things... things out of your norm... Besides, I like having random insights and such. I've met a handful in that class. But one in particular is super cool. Thus far we get along quite nicely! I've started up some talk with some strangers and what not... offered to share my umbrella. All things outside of my original design. But, that last part is really crazy, how many strangers do you think, would care to invite someone from the rain like that? In my head... my jaw dropped... but it felt sooo good.

As for today, I'm a little behind on somethings, I've rehearsed my scene for an hour, and recorded some of it, so I can tell what I like what works, what doe not... etc. I quit watching it because I had to move along with the rest of my day, but the last part I saw... I really liked the motions used. Very much... I got the feeling of it being organic... and just... right. ^_^  So I felt my chest swell with butterflies and I moved along. because for most things, I only find an hour appropriate, that way I can get all that I want done for the day, work on the story, learning audio etc... BUT I spend 2 hours writing, 1 on the bus and before class and the other when I get home... I do spend 3 hours on music, but I've split it into 3 sections: self exploration, research, and actual song creation.

Right.

Today is basically the end of the month, so my focus when I get back from counseling will be primarily on cleaning... Spending about (again) an hour one each room... And some other stuff.

Good vibes. <B

BURRRRRRP!

You're welcome.

I figured it is about that time again to spit out some knowledge, some insight, some memories.



PAST:

SOOOOO said baseball game happened. That was cool. I went into it exactly as I had intended which was indifferent. That way it was more likely that I would be less agitated. Needless to say it worked. Even when I was pressed in with a bunch of strangers, I was pretty damn calm. I found myself freaking out and was able to bring down my anxiety quite a bit by thinking myself through it.
Anyways, mom had the best time which was really cool, it was expected that she would enjoy the event the most. I feel bad though... I felt like and I actually knew that I was kind of ignoring her.. I am aware of that and as to why that is. But all in all a positive experience... and I got my crackerjacks!
Next up, my bf and I went to a wedding (his sister's sister in law) I'd only really seen her in passing at like birthday parties and things, but was invited by association. It was really cool, better than I would have thought. I even convinced my bf to dance to the funky chicken. Because that was the only song that sounded cool to me, and I could rationalize looking silly doing. That and I saw the withered faces of a lot of old people staring out into the dancing people with unaltered faces. One in particular stood out to me. I thought very quickly to myself, as I saw some ladies 3 times my age getting down on the floor, and two of which told me I need to be out there! HAHA. Yeah I should be. Life is short even if it was just one song. I need to be doing it! Enjoying the little life that I have left. I didn't want to be like the other spectators... wasting the even shorter time they had left, unenthusiastic, and confused on the sidelines.

CURRENTLY:

I am listening to some Celldweller to drown out the sound of the neighbors fraternizing. I think that it actually cleared them out. GOOD. I've started to wake up at six, because I have goals in mind and I need to keep them in my cross-hairs as often as possible and balance giving myself the credit I should be giving myself as well as the inspiration needed to fuel said dreams even further along. I'm pretty sure that was a run on sentence. But I've been watching more videos to learn things. Realizing more and more that if I want something I'm going to need to get moving especially because a lot of people my age are further along in their ventures. I didn't have that luxury when I was a youth. I mean I could have but I was enjoying the little bit of well deserved peace I was getting. Don't want to elaborate on that. I have a little board behind my comp that has the goals I've accomplished as well as some strong words of encouragement. I also came up with a new plan to kind of lock myself in my space for 3 hours at a time, and only leave to use the bathroom. I mean literally only leave to use the bathroom. I'll gather all the things that I think that I'll need and just station myself there. The reason for waking up at six though is to pretty much help justify to myself the lack of work that I'd be putting in otherwise at the end of the day when I am with my boyfriend. And being less annoyed about the time. So yeah.. Eye on the prize type thing, and being more organized trying to implement the creative process... I even though about leaving my phone out of the room while doing this. But for the most part I tend to not really realize it's in the room unless it's right on my desk. Even then sometimes... I get consumed... Which is one of the best things possible to realize that I've been so involved that I've been one with whatever I am doing.

FUTURE:

This weekend we are watching the dogs again, which as I have stated back a couple of blogs ago is a fun thing for me. It will especially be the the last thing before I am back to the school thing. Nervous, excited. But I'll attempt the neutral stance that has aided me quite a bit this year. Plus when school hits, it's essentially fall. I mean come on people look at the months as the markers for the seasons, not the specific date of he 21st... Sure that's the official... but people really see the fall as being September, October, November. With less than 2000 hours to spare until the big H I'm pretty optimistic.

<B

FULL MOONS I"M A SLACKER!!!

blahahahahahha

WOW! I actually looked back at the last time that I have posted an entry! 8 days? Crazy!

Anyways though. I think I've not been reporting in because I have felt sick and or haven't felt there was not enough for me to say. I DUNNO! But let's get intro this!



PAST:

 Okay, so what's been up Bry Bry? Ah, nothing much. Being too hard on myself.. Not sleeping that well, trying a new med that made me sick. ummm okay... anything good though? Well, yeah I've kept up almost 3 whole weeks of being dairy free! Good job. Yes, good indeed. I've been feeling really sluggish and stuff. That kinda sucks... but I'm working on seeing a neurologist hopefully next month. Hopefully it's sleep related, because I do not know what else could be the cause. What Else... What else! OOO! Probably my favorite thing! On Sat or Sun, the bf and I rearranged some stuff. It has made the flow of everything so amazing! There were a couple of reasons for said rearranging of the house/ rooms. But the main one was that, I love being in solitude in the morning... I'm not that social of a being to begin with, but that morning isolation is much needed to carry on and collect thoughts and stuff. Because when I invest in something... I become enamored... BUT it's not to the point where everything else is filtered out... In these moments I need to be alone... Other presences distract me. .... except for sometimes when I'm in public, and the anxiety actually helps me to focus and pull my head out of the world that surrounds me... What can I say other than I am what I am and I do what I do. I can only work with my cards and try to play them in the best ways possible.

ANYWAYS... Focus Bry. Okay we got this. But what we did is we put the treadmill in the guest room which was one the "guest room/ office room". We moved the stereo in there, (which knowing me, I'll follow my stereo, it's how I work out... it's how I've worked out since the dawn of my exercising. Sooo I am back into my own domain, and I don't feel like my morning space is being invaded, and my bf doesn't feel like he's being invasive. In addition to that awesome move... We also moved my little work space into the room! So now I have my own little space, and we can separate if needed. I love it... Now I have sunlight right behind me.... I can control the amount of light coming in through the room, (the curtains in the other room were fixed, light could get through, but the only way to get the most light was to raise them up. and I was off to the corner which felt awkward like my inner child had done something wrong. Back to the perks of the new room.

I can burn my candles in it safely, My stereo is right next to my desk, So if I want some better sound I could hook my comp up to my stereo. Everything has great flow here.

And then there is the empty space... now in the dining room. ;(... but NOT TO WORRY!. The bf also get's a sweet deal! he got to buy the dining room table he has been eyeing for the whole 8 months of this year. It's a nice honey colored corner table booth thing... Like the kind you would find in the corner of a restaurant. And now that I won't be all naked and stuff in the living room, we can keep the side window open! Let some awesome sunlight in all the time and letting the nice view in. That's great because that's one of the features of the place that had made me fall in love with it! SOOO that's what has happened! So little but yet so much!



PRESENT:

 Today is in the air... No not because it is one of the freestyle days. But because had been feeling for awhile that I was trying too hard to force a schedule upon myself and... MAKE myself do things... When you try and make yourself to do things in art... at least for me... it turns out gross and I hate it and it just doesn't feel right it really strips the magic from the project. I mean don't get me wrong there needs to be guidelines to some degree. Like the amount of hours of each you'd like to get done. But doing marathons are... gross and discouraging. At least for me they are... I need to do what pops into my head when it pops into it! Just a thing.. Always been that way... when I force it I draw a blank and I'm over it. And I am sad because of that... and this nasty cycle of resentment. So.. yeah basic guidelines will help... and there's also some other good things... with things that I would like to time... I SHOULD literally time them. With the timer/ alarm on my phone... Put my phone down and try to give myself fully to whatever it is that I need to or want to be doing. Which, again is a personal thing that helps me ... kind of relieves me... Takes the weight from the things just a little bit kind of locking me in to a time frame... that's not too long not supers short. And then sometimes, I'll go the half hour route. That mean's I'll do something for half an hour, if I'm not feeling it right then and there, then I'll come back later. BUT if I am enjoying it and I I'm in the zone so to speak... I'll just keep it up. So, yeah... it is usually around these times that the lightening up is surprisingly helpful... it helps me to be more positive and more proactive... because I'm not being one of those overbearing parents to myself... You know the one... the one that wants their kid to be perfect and pushes them to the breaking point all of the time... And then when I don't adhere to that inner voice it batters me.

Simply stated I usually over stress to the point of stagnancy...

THIS JUST IN!!! I almost died... or really fucked myself up! Why? The table came! I try to tumble it up the stairs by myself to surprise the boyfriend... Alas I could not... I got stuck... I also slid back... and it would have crushed me for sure!... By some fate...I called for him... and he heard me from his nap... and help me get it back down the stairs at least. WHOO!! excitement... endorphins! Blood pumping action!



FUTURE: 

August is full of necessary evils and somethings that put the FUN back in FUNCTIONS!! ... yeah that wasn't good lol. But the nearest thing is probably the full moon on friday... The second full moon this month. Which I hear is extremely rare... So it should be more special... I should really try and go out that night and visit it.
Then there's the baseball game I have mentioned. that should be unique. I'm most exciting about the cracker jacks... but I really do care if I come back... that'd be scary... am I the only one who thinks that it's horrifying that you usually hear kids singing that song by the way? I'm sure John Walsh hates that song.
Then a wedding... I'm not particularly thrilled.. I don't know the people... I've met them but hardly talked to them and stuff... It's the sister in law of my Bf's sister. Ummm free food and booze though, should I (probably) choose to indulge in that.
Then watching the dogs again.. earlier blogs say that.
I gotta get school books.. and go to a thing for the job rehabilitation thing that I finally signed up for. Andddd, last but not least Go back to school.
And again... I don't mind August... Especially if it's got things to look forward to to help the month pass... It's like fiber for a month that is constipated. But again... Halloween stuff is on the rise... August this the beginning... muahahaha.

One last thing... there is the possibility of going to Chicago on my B-Day weekend.... THAT"S AWESOME. Fall, awesome....October, awesome...Birthday, awesome... Chicago awesome... All together plus right around Halloween?!? This might rival my best birthday to date! (my 17th). But As with everything I shall go in with compressed expectations... as much as I can for going to Chicago around my B-day. Worst case scenario we can't go. Oh well. the back up of Halloweekends is still awesome! And now that I'm getting better at trying to make my B-day this grandiose thing... I can take what I get... I mean I already have it in the best season, the best month, and 13 days before the best Holiday

... Nuff said

<B

dlnvoirjiojvjoigfoinvldsn because why not?

Brain... failing...



PAST:
I'm not quite sure than has been anything too titillating. What's happened though? Well, I'll tell ya. It's been different. Not sure if good or bad. But what I am sure of is that I am changing. I saw my psychiatrist again, and we mutually decided I should add a little extra medicine. NOW, I've been feeling a little strange since then I won't lie. But maybe it's because I need to adjust? I am not really sure as there are other variables present that I could change and see if they factor in, or if indeed the medicine is the culprit. I've been eating a lot of sugary things... I guess enjoying the things that I can eat now. I've been without dairy for nearly two weeks. Sure it does suck. But I've noticed that I'm a  lot more regular.... I sound so fucking old. It's supposedly really good for you as we don't need milk. Its more of a treat like anything else involving dairy... chocolate and almost any other creamy thing. But it's for the best this way. Because it saves me... it's indeed a net. now I can't just go anywhere and pick up a treat. except oreos... did you know there is no dairy of any kind involved in it... Scary I know but delicious the same.  But yeah, the boyfriend has been more on tack than I have food wise. It's whatever I only have to impress myself, and him. If others happen to be as well... so be it but it's no longer a huge goal. I have real people things to attend to. Not who's hot and who's not.  Hmmmm. what else happened? Idk... Still tired... slightly less so due to the walk I just got back from, (vitamin D and all that jazz). Let's move on.



CURRENT:
I have pretty much summed it up with tired. Again, it could be the medicine, it could be me trying to toy with my schedule, it could be a sugar hangover from the marshmallow fluff I recklessly indulged in last night. I'm not certain in any capacity which of them it is, and maybe it's multiple. But I do have to say that I am impressed with having not only exercised today, But I've figured out the insurance stuff, looked at when I have to get books for class, looked at when class starts (august 24), and the days and times in which I would need to be there. I'm blogging so that will be off of the checklist, I've shaved, went for a walk... leaving me to have to clean and and practice. So, I've finished 2/3 of my goals. After wards I will take an hour or so and then come up with 3 more, listen to music, and or just try and practice some more. Maybe read a little?



FUTURE:
Soooo, this week is loot crate, Heroes edition... we'll see what's in that. ... and then a full moon on the 31st. Pretty cool, but august has suddenly become kind of full. Kick starting the month with a baseball game of all things. I never thought I would say yes, or care to even try and go to anything involving sports... especially in the middle of the summer. But I want the experience. I'm very curious about it all. Camping went well, Just have to try it. I used to say, and I will start saying it again. I will try things in 3's. My only complaint is the thing that I am most interested in is so early in the month. Thus... leaving the rest of the month kind of limp. It happened this month too with the 4th of July camping trip. July usually goes especially slow for me anyways... seeing as it is meant for summer people... July is to summer people as October is  to fall people... I get it... I really do. and it is better than oh, say January or February. But, it's in the way. But Bryan, October's not for another 3 months. Noted. I used to dislike August equally if not more because it's like getting up to the biggest scene in a movie and having the power go off. Ready to get on with it... but having an unfortunate obstacle. Now, I see August as many retailers do... It's the beginning. It's the time when dark things start to conspire in small groups, and plan their approach to store display domination. The B- side to July that Assure's you Halloween IS COMING. Then September plunges you right into the middle of things. Finally, October. Everything is in full swing! The only sad bit, is... much like Halloween creeps up so do the greens and reds. They've already begun to... But I can't think about that. I just hope that this upcoming Season will far surpass that of last year. I am in better health, and I am ready! majority of the problem last year... stupid scratched cornea... Now the Halloween aesthetics won't be quite the same... I'l have to get a little more creative I guess. Anyways that's it!

<B

Clicks and pops

Today has been productive, and I'm trying to squeeze the very last juice into doing the needs I need and want to do. That's why these blog things will probably happen only like 4th day I think. Just so that I can allow myself more time to do everything hopefully, and the only real reason I am (kind of set back is: I'll explain in a minute.

PAST: Went to the counselor yesterday that seemed kinda rushed to be honest. Oh well. I really like walking places, but it does eat up a lot of time. So maybe I won't? I don't know lol. We did decide that I need to try and figure out how to keep myself engaged in my projects. Rather than saying that I have a ton of projects that I have never finished.

CURRENT: Bring us to today, where I woke up.... way too early and could not get back to sleep. This morning (after my first coffee in 2 weeks) I was doing my exercises very smoothly. I wrote down a ton of lists for about a solid hour and a half. They included the things that are utmost importance to me. They are goals, and plans and pretty specific ones at that. Today was eaten up a little bit by the fact that I did two time consuming things. One, I walked to get my hair cut... 2 I still needed to arrange and add files to my comp and back up all of the files on my external hard drive. Which... I just remembered I have to do. As well as still delete a couple of things I do not really use anymore. But this was one my agenda for today, and it is fairly fast, and I'll be able to knock this and a couple others off fairly easy. So that's where this is coming from. As a side note I have to mention that it felt such like early fall today, the grey but not raining weather, the air just cool enough to wear a light jacket if you wanted to. Awesome. BTW FULL MOON TONIGHT!!!

FUTURE: Tomorrow I will finish what ever I happened to not reach. Which will be like half to a quarter of the things. I mean I have options. It's really a matter of what I want. I would like to devote way more time to these, about 3 hours for one and at least one hour for the other. Or I could try and level with myself and only do an hour of each. I have come up with better composed ideas on how to accomplish my projects. Their not 100% solid. But that's still better I feel. The three main projects are kind of lined up and rationed out in order of importance. So, the sound stuff I should be doing to some degree (I'd like to do at least 3 hours a day) every day, I'm going to try and work on the grim spectrum a bit more. That would be the book or story rather that I started writing last year... So, we'll see how that goes... I plan on doing something that might help to motivate, and or encourage me to progress with it. Like posting pages of it on instagram or places where I can get some constructive criticism. I mean I personally think that the story and the characters are very dynamic in their own ways. I essentially have the whole story in my mind and how it will end etc. But it's the dialogue, and pacing that is a bit taxing. BUT taxing is good it shows heart. I have to make sure that I can keep the train rolling, because as I will always state. bipolar makes it hard sometimes to just function on a basic level, let alone thinking and working consistently. But hey, there are so many people doing great things out there with physical impairments, and mental challenges that surpass my own. Does that make my burden any less? No. But what it does is it gives me hope that I can move past the clouds over head and ascend... not like in... a religious sense. That's another thing I have to make sure that I write out is, a list of accomplishments dating all the way back to as far as I can remember. This should help greatly. Also writing a list of things that I would tell someone else as well as things I am constantly telling myself for advice.And of course I'd look up quotes from my favorite artists. Because a lot of them had to overcome things to reach the levels they are at now. It takes awhile, and for some people, they have the right connections, or the market themselves flawlessly, or are just utterly gifted. I am none of the above but I am persistent. I just need to try and figure out how to speed up my recoil time (or bounce back time whatever you want to call it). Because if I truly care about something or someone I try and come back... I try things 3 times, if it doesn't work out in that point in time I might give it another  three more chances after 3 or more years. In the past I have left huge gaps between things stopped and started... and doubted and over thought leaving room for doubt to seep in.  Sometimes you have to just make a decision and stand by it until it doesn';t work, and then you try something else. I know many of my artists that I look up to have failed many a time before reaching their current status. Persistence is a good trait to have. I also read that if you don't take risks (especially on an unconventional path) you might just miss out and stay put... I need to keep remembering that when I decided to move out here... It was with a house of complete strangers about 17 miles away from home... I was terrified. But it turned out that I'd be fine and that years later I'd be far better off than if I would have stayed back with my parents. Off subject though. All I know is that music has been the most constant and consistent part of my life. It's always been there, expanding my library, my tastes, the things that I recognize and question about not only the music but how and why the artist has done certain things. I'm noticing now more than ever details that I have never really looked at... I was hearing the music and not listening with the same attention I now give it. I've nearly always been able to hear a singer and or a voice and be able to tell the vocalist, even if I've never heard the song before.

Okay, gotta get back to the other things but I guess that I needed this SUPER reflective entry.

oh... I didn't even mention camping... Really quick - Everything is in place, I have set up "the rules" for myself that will help me to feel better and be a lot happier . Such as what I eat and when I will go to bed and that the exercise of choice will be walking. It's better than nothing so I'll take it!


BIG NEWS POSITIVE VIBESSS! STAY TUNED FOR POSSIBLE AWESOME NEWS!

aqua marine tangerine magenta!

It's been a while so let's add some color to the scene.

PAST: Over and over, there's again not too too much going on. Just the same ol' same. But the Race at turtle was awesome! with the exception of two things. It was raining and windy, and I didn't want to stay because of that. I mean what's the point really of staying at the nudist resort if you can't go outside legally. So I went home. But while I was there I gave it my all! I ran against 66 others finishing the 5k at 21 minutes! This landed me in 2nd place for my age division, and 6th place overall! awesome. Same night I ate, a whole thing of ice cream... and then a pint of another... sheeesh... I'm like a shark... once I get sugar in my hands it's like a feeding frenzy.

CURRENTLY: I am chilling out... chilling being a very literal word. as it's super cold in here! I might open things up a bit. But okay, today is my change day / clean day.../ arrange and organize things day... My experience is that this is usually split up into 2 days... one where I clean and organize and then where I handle all the rest! So maybe starting this o the second to last of the month is best then. I have recently begun my quest to stop the use of sauces. Or, at least when at home. I've almost been a month free of ketchup not even the tiniest drop. There's a whole untouched 4 lb bottle of it in the fridge too. I came to the conclusion that it was allowing me to overeat, because I was mainly in it for whatever sauce I was eating at the time. It will help me to get a little bit more creative with spices and stuff now. Just by cutting out sauce I am reducing a lot of calories, and sugars and of course SODIUM. Doing this will also help me to feel better about the times that I digress from the path of healthiness. Not erase guilt completely but ease it nonetheless.

FUTURE: in the immediate future A.K.A. this week, We're doing the camping thing! Actually really excited. I've already kind of figured out how to eat and what not. I'm always stressing this. It's very important for bipolar people to have control and feel that they have said control and keep it. Or... ugliness seeps out. But yeah, I'm not going to drink or have the obligatory smores. Though I may want to do both, I will be doing guilty pleasures I don't normally take part in anyways...can't over do it. Like instead of drinking I might get some redbulls and or monsters. They do about the same thing, give you this high make ya act all crazy etc. Check out the town etc, and maybe see my uncle and his partner there. We also bought a couple of our own fireworks. This fourth of July might just be the very best I've had. Time will tell!

Gotta get back to the other tasks now.! <B

Title (I don't Have one)

Listening to some really intense glitchey music or what is referred to as "dirty" for those who like the type of music.

So, basically been 2 days of trying to upload videos that have not made it up due to their ridiculous wait times. I might have one that I have not posted that made it. Actually I think they both uploaded I just never got to put them on my blog because when said videos finally did make it... I didn't care. In the best way possible I did not care .

 

Moving right along, ^_^ I've decided to start the listing thing again... it's therapeutic it really helps me focus and remember what I need and want to do. I came up with a little formula for the blogs to... Briefly touching base on key points so, her we go!

• CURRENTLY: I am sitting at the boyfriend's sister's house watching the wieners- er dogs... okay, dachshunds, I'll grow up lol. But yeah, that'll be mentioned twice in the videos.. because again.. they got uploaded... but never made it here. I like it... It kind of leaves some of the things on your mind behind if you get away for a few days een if it is somewhere relatively close. A  change of scenery.
•  I FEEL: Pretty damn good actually, I worked out on an elliptical witch actually made me feel out of shape ... it was surprisingly intense. I'm here with two adorable pups... they're adorable now but give them a couple of days hehe. annnnd I made some lists... which as I said help make things better.
• RANDOM THOUGHT: In the shower today I thought to myself that motivation and discouragement...exist together. What I mean is I see a personal relation between them... A lot of the things that motivate me can also, push me back. It is truly about perspective. Because when I feel low... other people's success makes me want to sink and hide... where as when I'm doing okay and doing what I know I need to, it kind of helps me and brings back the curiosity that I so love.
• I'm EXCITED FOR: a  grab bag of random things. My eye doc appointment, mom's Birthday, seeing my old therapist and last... but most.... NAKED 5K! wooo! Told ya, this was going to be a grab bag lol.
• WORK: nothing thus yet... I keep feeling that I am under qualified for jobs... or overqualified for others. The ones that I really want and care to get elude me. All of the night stock jobs have said no, one of the comic places. I'm not giving up and I'm trying not to give in... I want to work smarter not harder. I want to find a job that I will want to work at most days... because if I don't... idk not a good pretender. So, I'm going to do some digging on being a secret shopper. Sounds good to me for the most part, going shopping, giving constructive criticism, I CAN DO THAT... I don't know we'll see. I hope to have something nailed down before the fall. But if not I am fairly confident finding halloween work... will be easy peesy. 
• SOUND STUFF: So, I'm getting better at things, I'm working at things more in this regard. I'd getting a little more repetitive... which for me is good, because I just wanted to start new songs every five seconds in a lot of the songs that I have done prior. I mean it still happens but... I just keep starting new pieces... which is good and bad... I'll just need to try and buckle down on 3 at a time. But yeah, I hope to have at least one piece by august. 
• LET'S GO MENTAL: Health, Let's go... metal... health... get it?!? You're no fun. :P so yeah, it seems to be getting better by going back to a lot of the same things that I was doing last year, working out... eating as best as I can, listing things, researching thoughts feelings and facts to relate myself to the outside world. I still need to find some help... which I have a couple of leads for... one of them I have to wait till September 1st... ew.. I also need to find a place for eating disorders. I don't know that a group setting would be good for me. Especially because I know personally, that I compare... that might not be good for that sort of thing... I found a clinic but that only catered to ages between 8 and 24.... really? 8 years old?? Friggin social media is turning back the dial and raising insecurity levels at even younger age levels.
• THREE THINGS TO SUCCEED AT: Losing the love handles, finding suitable work, and making the 5k in 22 minutes tops. 
• CONFUSION: A nagging thought keeps pulling at my brain... I can't understand how or why everybody on the internet needs to have every type of social media... I've seen some really cool people that I've liked and seemed to be on the same page become this kind of self obsessed being... Not all. There's Gerard way from my Chemical romance who just happens to be the artist I know of that I respect the most... Because he seems very real. He's open about having to take medication for his depression, his weight fluctuations, and he's non- stop on it, always making new stuff. I mean I respect him more so than I  ever thought when I was an angsty teen. But yeah... I just feel like social media puts up a front.. sure nobody wants to see gloom and doom but I personally don't like seeing people I follow self glorify every 5 seconds or so... Whatever have to adapt or fall behind right? Have to evolve in order to go on. I've always been a little archaic. Welp, this is my highly informative entry. 

BYYYEEEYEEE!!!!!! <B

you're a Neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie

IIIII did not happen to get to post my vid yesterday... but it went something along the lines of things getting slightly more productive, if even just a little bit.

How you ask?

 Well I'm slowly picking myself back up out the rut that was falling in... am I out yet.. I'm not sure I completely am. But I'm getting there. I'm not vidding it up today because it's one of those peaceful days that I would rather not disturb. Plus... there is a worker across the parking lot I'm afraid that might magically hear me. and I feel more like typing than anything today in regards to blogging.

Yesterday was pretty good to me. I got to sit down with my caseworker and talk about the income situation and it really helped release some of the tension... She directed my attention to some outlets for other counseling: some websites where I can find people that meet my needs out here. So I wrote down a handful of names and groups I'll have to further investigate. She also showed me this work rehabilitation agency, that can help you find strengths, weaknesses, and what works best for you and your "disability"! That is awesome! That's kind of what I am doing now... but everyone can use a hand every once in awhile... and some people need more than others... that's just fine as long as it's to aid you and not fully hold you up.

Today I called my doc and set up an appointment for friday at ten.... my bladder... yadda yadda... there's something that I feel is iffy... the last time I waited on something that I was worried about.... oh man I was SORRY! .... pffft and I wasted a Halloween too!.... This year I'll be back in black.. orange and black.

So that means tomorrow is my dental cleaning, and then the docs... and then maybe the interview for my bridge card. I want to do this temporarily until I find work where I will excel... I'm fairly certain I've said this over and over again that this next job... it will be something that I actually care about... I mean I cared about having money before... but I did not enjoy what I was selling... nor did I enjoy the types of customers the stores attracted. I know what I want a bit better this time and I'm going to set myself up for success.  For example... today I had an interview that I didn't do... because I felt like I'd be settling for something that I would hate and something that anyone with interest in having "work" could get... They were DESPERATE! I mean this guy seemed like he didn't even want to interview when I talked to him and just hire! ... Because actually he even said... " you could start today or tomorrow!".... wow... red flag.... That would strip the self respect I am trying very hard to build for myself: call me stubborn but I don't wanna let that slip!

Today has been pretty good just getting everything in order... and finally today is warm enough... but not too warm to leave the house! a rarity in these parts. OH! and  two more quick mentions... I've decided that it is best for me to try and do three things at a time... I know I'm constantly constructing new ways and schedules with which to work... BUT all of us who are growing and moving forward are doing this right? I've found it hard writing out a whole huge list of everything to do for the day... I'd be annoyed if I did not get it all done... So my remedy is to focus on three things at a time. One foot after another. Then by doing so I can be like "Hey, yeah got those done! LEVEL TWO! FIGHT!!!" #MortalKombatReferenceOfTheDay. Then I have also decided to work for 3 hours... and let myself do what I want to for an hour and then repeat. I find that fair! And lastly I think that I even might do that with days of the week? Not sure yet if that would be healthy ... or if I'd get annoyed with myself... Or maybe I'd still do everything but be a little more casual about it al. Who knows... but maybe every third day will be a break... I mean you get breaks at work... both hourly and days off. I just have to be aware of where things are... what things need to be done... etc.

Wow, using actual paragraphs almost appropriately... look at me! (I'm aware that's it's not indented SHHHHH!)

<B

Some silence required

yeah, it's been rather unintentional that I haven't put anything here in like a week. I've been putting in the work (recording myself). But When I've been uploading to youtube it's been taking forever to upload, and a lot of the time lately I've had to interrupt it and BAM! No news on my end. But no, not today sir... not at all! Today i am going to type it all out... For just a couple of reasons mainly.

This right here... this thing I'm doing with the fingers, and the clicking sounds, and the letters... This I can see the progress of and am confident of it getting to where it needs to be right away...The second is. There's a beautiful silence... I don't even have music on right now... just doesn't seem pleasing at the moment.

Lately I've been a little back and forth with how my mind is working but one thing is certain it's facing forward at least! I am doing the steps necessary for the goals that I need and want to achieve. For instance I am looking for work every day. Granted this might prove more of a challenge than my prior thoughts had imagined. ... I'm honest they ask questions like :

"Are you a fast learner?" or, "do you have a passion for talking with people?" or "do you enjoy working in a fast paced and always changing work environment?"

No, No, and NOT AT ALL.

I have 3 options as I see it right now, luck out and get into a comic store... get into hot topic, orrrr get into a night job. I did get an interview with the top comic store in the area... I was pumped... a little overly so... pumped until tense... anxiety probably read like a billboard across my forehead. Nonetheless it did 2 things for me. it honored me that I was considered and got an interview at a place that wasn't even advertising hiring. AND it was a place in my top 3 targets for work. So it helped build my confidence in the fact that it's not silly to hold out for what you want. Sure it may suck till it gets there. but when you do.. you'll just be even more thankful than if you got just what you wanted right away... instant gratification hardly satisfies.

Basically the last few blogs have been talking about the main couple of things sticking like pins in my head. 1. managing the surges of anxiety I've been having mainly social. This one I have to pay close attention to first off because you can't do much of anything unless you can maintain yourself first. Second is an income source. Here, in this corner we have ME with a brutal $100 to his name borrowed in student loans. BUT! I'm fighting! I filled out for a bridge card as most of what I spend my money on is groceries anyways. So that should help preserve things long enough till I figure out the main issue. Which is, the income... this is the interesting logic I've been going round and round with lately.

There are 2 pieces to this Merry-go-round. The first is the wants and needs. I know, and I want to be adamant about finding work... Meanwhile I know that I can't be on that all day... it'd burn me out worse than right now... So, I try to do other things that I want to do, go for a walk... get coffee, play with music stuff... even though sound design and or music is what I hope to achieve in the long term... what about now? I try and push off my annoyance of not working on the music... and justify it with the fact that I am doing what I need to for the present... But does that subtract and or take away from the progression of my future goals. Another thing that I am almost positively sure of, it that when I have figured out my income dilemma I should feel free and be able to more comfortably act upon my interest to spend hours absorbed in   whatever endeavor I choose and not feel bad about it.

The second half deals with comparisons... Everyone does it even if they just do it in their heads... It's in human nature to look upon others and kind of "assess" where we stand in relation... The monkey see monkey do of magazines, the television... and  other various medias... They all portray what and how beauty is and how it is defined. Enough people follow... the screens say gluten is bad... Point is... is the general populace will eat most of what it is given and see much anything else as abstract or wrong... without thought of the logic behind it. It exists for a reason... Everything for the most part does... Back to the personal values this has to me. I do compare.. though not as much as I have in the past... I still do... again, everyone does. Weird for me because in a lot of ways I am my own in my own thoughts and actions... but body image... body image... I've noticed greatly that as most have noticed with me. Good news is I've learned to kind of break that cycle a little bit... I am a lot better about things as long as I know that I am doing what is within my power to control... and fit into the MY standards. Which essentially consist of being between 140-150 lbs, being able to see some ribcage, and having my cheekbones be prominent. And pale skin... but I love the sun too much lol. I know by today's model male that I am almost the ANTI- in... That ,  I am fine with... it's just getting heavy... that I agree with the media about as being something that is not for me. I also do this with my actions and music... I know the roads I have chosen break from the path of the harvard lawyer or, the doctor, or what have you... I'm fine with that... but When faced with that awkward mention to someone who took those steps... and the fact that it is foreign to them... I do feel a bit of that good old fashioned highschool criticism sting me. Same with music, I want to be great.. I am a perfectionist ... an impatient perfectionist... This is a phrase I have to repeat daily to myself mainly when working with music... "don't try and be a clone of this or that artist... you are not them... you have something that is in YOU! Explore that, let that out! it's genuine, and people -especially those who enjoy music will hear that! Like designated signal... they'll read it..." I guess the same thing can be applied to all other facets... speak... and live with sincerity... Stick to your beliefs... these things are so hard to do and I feel they are really uncommon in these times... but if you have them and can uphold them... what you have is a self fulfilling arsenal!

Wow this is therapeutic hahhaha... It's like I just gave myself a mini self- help speech... Inspired- I'll take my bow... Have a good day, to any who might stumble across this page! MUAH!

<B

U is for Underwear

i don't know why underwear... was the first thing that popped into my head.

hello again, Bry.

So today, is going pretty fast and pretty good... it's not taking for ever like some other days have felt this week. I've already cleaned up the house a bit... Reached out in the forums I frequent, looked up jobs, offered music to some youtubers I know, and, well that's about it thus far... But I feel that still... the rest of my day is up in the air... I need in the very least 2 more hours with music, ... I need to add more poems to the anthology and I will probably hit the town for the drum circle again...

I may or may not attempt the nerd Nite but that's because I found out yesterday that it it is... nerd... Nerd like... Sciencey.. not nerd like dorky... comics... monsters and stuff..... *shrugs*.

I'm gonna try and force myself to go, because: for one my friend not go... which in my adult mind shouldn't be a reason and is likely an excuse because I don't want to venture into the cold.

that alone might be enough to keep me away from the nerd nite thing, because if I'm already uncomfortable.. and going into more uncertainty... hmmm seems a little shaky on how things might go down. But! you never know... I sure as hell have surprised myself numerous times this year, and it's barely the 2nd quarter of the year.

So as I see it if I go, it starts at 7... at least 2 hours of music and half an hour of adding to the anthology leads me up to about...  5pm.

*looks outside... listens to the whipping wind*

Ew.

You know for a decade I had let my hair kind of define me... I'm still playing with it obviously but still... there are more pros to have my hair short than long. I mean, saves money, both on hair cuts and gels, and sprays, and dyes and bleach etc. This crappy stuff called "wind" isn't as much of a pain in my ass, no bedhead, no one can mess up my hair.. bees can't hide in it (that happened once),

The only real downsides I see are that my head get's a little colder in the cold seasons, BUT! there's a plus to that too that means that my head will be cooler in the summer! I can't do much with it, thus it keeps me looking very nearly the same everyday so- I have to rely more so on what I wear and accessorize some in order to make up for that I feel... *shrugs* I love being able to look at things with a couple of different angles. It really helps to keep you from being bummed about things that can't be controlled or just things that you don't like.  Alright well, I'm going to try and do whatever it is I'm going to do now, MUAH! <B

B00M

Teehehhee

Last couple days A.K.A the weekend were cool in a big way.

(not sure when my last post was, probably like wednesday or something. )

Friday was weird, when I let my issues kind of take over, and just ate, and slept, and did nothing... Yeah, one of those. 

Saturday was different. Lately, I've stressing on the two major factors in my life right now which is trying to learn what I want to learn in the realm of sound, and two finding work to hold things down until the move to Florida. (Finding out locations to move and such is it's own story. 

Last week I fretted, going back and forth from the plan of doing have a day of sound, and half a day of music.... to doing one day music, one day jobs. Both of these stressed me out.

In the past, I would think about things so much and stress so much importance in things that I kind of paralyzed myself. This was the case with the two patterns I was attempting. i was coming at them all wrong really. I should be doing both everyday, with the job as my predominant focus, but darting to the sound and music when I need a break. I learned this on Saturday when I didn't feel I HAD to do anything. it was in the back of my head I and I did it.  Same with other chores and wants that I have. I should really just do them in the time that I get tired or frustrated with the job hunt, and music, but of course return back to the hunt. it's good to have a more of a want mentality than a need. For the most part we all want what we need. When you want something (in my case at least) I am more inclined to move. 

Yeah Saturday was a good one. because I came up with some other great solutions and what not. 

School: I will not be taking classes in the spring. There are about 2 or three classes I want left and I can utilize the summer to begin work back up. I would definitely have to start work though... or stretch 1,000 over the course of 4 months 0.o Financial aid would give a cash boost in the fall, and I would not have to start paying back my loans until about the time we move to Florida. It sounds like I'm trying to skip out but I fully intend on paying it back. When I work I will even set aside money just for that purpose. The more I organize the faster and stronger I become at things.

Work: I need to for multiple reasons. First is to help my Boyfriend. Second is to start building up cash to start paying my loans back. Third is that I want money to feed into the new sound habit... It's really addictive when you start to learn about things. The plan is to look for more of freelance jobs at first, searching for those types of jobs for about a month.. The beauty with a lot of the ones I'm looking at is that I could do multiple jobs that equal out to one regular job. I have no problem with that considering that I get bored pretty easy. The most I've ever stayed with one job is a year by choice. The only thing with looking for work outside of retail and fast food is that there is quite a lot of uncertainty. let's say Macy's is hiring, you know it's legit because it's a big well known name. burger king the same thing. Venturing outside of those realms though, risks must be taken. The only way to really know in a lot of ways for anything really is to try it. do it. Worst thing, it doesn't work. You won't die. 

 Part two of the work hunt plan is to look at truck loaders. That or as a final option. Working overnights. I might have stressed before that working nights might be an issue for my well being... Hard for me to judge completely because that last time I did (and had a mental breakdown) there was so much that I wasn't used to that I overloaded and crashed. A poor diet of sugar, salt, and grease, Energy drinks and coffee constantly pumping through my veins. Two back to back jobs that equaled to about 16 hours a day or more, and I had a mental disorder that had not even been diagnosed yet. So, I might be able to work nights, who knows. The only issue I'll have is I'll miss the sun. But to me I just have to balance the dislikes of missing the sun to the dislike of dealing with people. People can make or break a work experience, I'd in the very least like to have some awesome coworkers, let alone care about what it is I'm doing or selling. I'd be way more proficient than feeling like I just lied to a person between my teeth about some terrible product they just bought. 

Self joy. Not masturbation. I know that it is truly good for one to do at least one thing for them self a day if not a couple small things. It will help fuel you by making you feel good, and the cycle goes on. I'm going to try and practice this again, when I get stumped in all of my online ventures. (did you know that staring at a screen too long can actually make you tired? I didn't. Love psychology) One of the ways I'll capture some magic daily is to just sit and listen to music, do nothing else just sit with headphones in kind of a meditated state. I used to do this a lot when I was younger and it helped me to open my head and be a little more creative and invested in doing things. The other is walking. Especially now that the sun is starting to show more. If we get through this month like this. There's a pretty good chance that Michigan's spring has sprung. 

Alright, that's all Going to check the weather, probably walk, and then get to work.

<B

Suck at hide and seek

Yeah, I can't hide very well.

it's definitely needed in real life. Oddly enough, you need to be some degree of "fake" in the "real" world. I've always found the concept concerning. I've also find it odd how people let one aspect of themselves become the main presentation of them self ... which is not usually noticed by them...

Is it clear that I'm no entirely focused today? yep. Sho is. So, what I'm ultimately getting at is, that I like being able to be me, say what I want and whatever. there's a nagging sense of insincerity otherwise. I mean, I feel, for the most part that I can't-" just be "sometimes. (this is usually when I'm a bit down... which the winter is assisting me greatly with.) Example... In my classes ... it's so quiet and people really don't talk to each other. When I do I have major communication break downs... but they are guys, so there's that normal obstacle for me. I know we have common interests because of the class.. but it doesn't really extend into genres. So beyond wanting to create music... there's nothing... Do I say.... How bout that super plate sunday? Oh... yeah bowl... *awkwardly darts off*

When I do feel inclined to let me out... I just feel like a bass in a world of treble.. (I just learned that treble is easily absorbed by objects whereas bass cuts through.) I feel unstoppable.

It's very obvious at this point in time that I keep my eye on my actions. because that's the only way to stop and or fix something. I'm trying to listen to what my heart, head, and body say all at once. Everyone would be a little bit better, but the truth is one or two are often overlooked or locked up. People don't want to let out emotion, or people don't want to look dumb, or people push their physical limits until they crash... I'm trying to listen.... These three things I feel are a core basis of everything. Because everything starts with the individual.

Again, I have lost track.

But I guess not really. this entry is just a therapeutic remedy at the moment. I need to talk and hear myself so to speak. I've quick caffeine, rather I'm in the process of. I've been doing research on how to guard myself from old man winter's psychological attacks. Sapping energy, motivation, interest. I've read coffee as being good, and bad. Good because it helps stimulate happy parts of your brain. Bad because it is much like a drug, and you hit further down once the initial kick dies off. Which, is very tricky at this point in time. I can't have it. I've also began to listen to psybient, goa trance, and some other light variations of electronic music. I use it in the morning before I work out to just think. It's very good for thinking because it sounds nice and smooth and it's not over stimulating.

I had to back off from one of my classes... One I knew in the back of my head that I should never have taken, at least not this semester. trust yourself. I knew back then that, that specific class with my current frame of mind would be too cumbersome.

BUUUUT let's talk about some positive stuff now. I'm learning some cool stuff in class, I like my teachers. I feel I'm getting better but. I'm severely impatient and just want to be "there". Ummmm It's almost Valentine's day (my 2nd favorite holiday) and that is right after, ... FRIDAY THE 13th!!! I like to try and regard these as mini Halloweens. And then... there's another fri 13th before my 3rd favorite holiday St' patricks day... Oh and I'm Going to VEGAS in just 4 weeks. At least January is over... the worst month of the year is done... It's getting lighter earlier holidays are popping up.

Lastly, I finally have contact with the school radio station, and I should have a slot on Thursday at 5pm I believe. It will be called EclecticA and it will last for an hour. So, 4 Awesome things slated for the coming month. Fuck you January, fuck - you.XD Radio-Love-13- and Vegas. <B

The clouds are your enemy

So, lock your cross hairs

Translation:....

                                ....... [ Aim high].....


I resolute to aim up. I feel that what better way to discover where we are, than to figure out where we are not.

Sounds confusing just typing it. But what I mean is I feel that by aiming for more this year, that should I not make all of it... I've still achieved a whole lot. hence the aiming for the deadlines of 4 times a month with the music. for one, that helps me to focus. there will be a lot of that this year,

[{(FOCUS)}]

a key term for 2015

For me it will be all about collecting my totems and keeping them. Sure, I've made leaps in the direction of confidence and hope that I can do whatever. I went to some parties the past couple of days and I did really well. I did not crumble under my own impressions of how I'd be seen. Nope, instead I sold myself as is. And turns out people accepted it. Well, not all but thats to be expected.

I know far well the things and the amount of focus in which i'd need to do them. I realized that my mornings, though fairly organized and what not... are still kind of loose. I have a formula but it's not all that time sensitive. But the more productive and fulfilling part of me beckons for more time... So, I'm going to start timing myself, counting in my head and or setting an external phone alarm if I must. I get distracted.. I get caught up... take fairly unnecessary detours.

Same applies to health and my back and forth efforts. After 2014 is toast my eating habits simply must return to whee they were prior to september when I said it was okay to eat certain things... before my eye malfunctioned and sent me into a malicious effort to self soothe, and before I gobbled and guzzled myself to an unsatisfactory form... I'm cool though, I know I can kill it. Unlike prior weight gains... I have been fully aware of it all... when I was eating bad things, bad times etc.. When you know and accept things is when it makes things easier. Thus, I'm not as affected by this with anger and sadness I might have been before. Not to say that I'm not a little bummed. Oh well! ;p.

But the focus on that, especially with school, will be to eat healthy, eat enough, work out, eat things that dont need refrigeration, or a microwave, and has protein etc. Tough thus far.. it's not a formula I was ready for. So I need to study that as well I suppose.

Again, I'll have to be ( I wanted to type merciless) persistent in order to achieve things for my music... to wrap up my poetry... because things of this nature seldom "just happen". I came to a weird thought yesterday, it makes sense- the direction I'm headed in. I've never really been conventional. Why would my ultimate calling be? I feel no passion for everyday dreams that most little kids look up to. When I was little I was told I could be anything... I've also seen patterns.. Been in and out of choir, love music, always talking about it, always wanted a band... and persistence. nearly everything I put down I'll pick back up at some point... even if it's just to reflect and examine it. But most things I'll try in 3's. I'll seldom remove ideas from my head completely. music,

I've reached an untapped reserve of myself that's always been a part of me. It's filled with insight... but most of all curiosity a huge motivation for most anything that I have ever done at my best. be it art of anything else. Everything is a science experiment. I'm conducting tests again. What I mean is, I'm exploring possibilities, even in social circumstances. I'm trying to see what interaction gets what reactions,... what I can get away with saying... what is tactful, and how do I do it? is it like tactical? Do I get a vest? FOCUS... Ah, yes I guess you say that in essence I am now testing my voice, my very presence in the world... and I'm making more of a blip on the radar than years prior.

Well, since it is nearly 1 in the morning and I cannot sleep right now... I'm entitled to be unfocused and leave you with the last thing rattling itself onto the screen.

The first four songs of the year will be

Ascend (30 second intro)

Gilded

Hierarchy

Midas

These are just titles, I have to let them happen organically. I want them to have a theme each month but... they will not necessarily sound interconnected.

I might not post till the new year... if not 2015 HARK! (but if I do it'll be top 10 lists those are always fun right?....RIGHT?!?!... oh crickets I missed you. <B

You did the hokie pokie?!!! Who with?!?!

So yeah, I've been handling myself rather well all things considered... (not that things are inherently bad or anything no.) It's almost always an internal thing for me. But I've been dealing with it... I've been having major successes lately. They would be minute to most... but for me they are almost on the cusp of miraculous.

I've been learning to converse with those around me. I've been maintaining what to say and how to be tactful about it. You see, for the longest time I had been afraid to say what was on my mind for fear of ridicule or someone not understanding. But I've taken the liberty of reassuring myself that, that does not matter in most situations. I am making my way to being who I want to be.

But anyways, I've had some really beautiful and positive experiences, even in my little winter slum. At the first of the month I had some really fond moments... subtle but touching. I do have a bit of a nurturing side. I was a at a kid party, and this adorable little guy runs straight up to me... I made a face and he got real close, and pushed his head against mine... not like a head but, just put his forehead on mine... adorable. Same party, another little one runs up latches to my leg and smiles at me before running off. again... super cute. But one of the best parts? I did pretty well, without booze. yeah- my social shield was down and I didn't (necessarily) need it. Shocking. But I know these people a bit better. That and I am pushing myself to be me, and say what I need to. Follow my conscience- gut feeling- nose... wait, no not nose that's toucan Sam from fruit loops.

Most recently I "graduated" my group therapy. Which ... I don't cry much anymore, but if I were to this would have been a moment for tears. My teachers were VERY impressed at the changes I've made in the year. (one of them said that in the last six months alone even). I had many people tell me I was a very good presence in the group... It was very nice to feel that warmth. There was a woman, a woman who I see great potential in... she was super sad, so I talked to her and picked her brain. Got her to laugh with a lesbian joke (because she likes ladies). Then at the end of the group... Still down. I said hey, as she was reaching for her bags...

"guess what!", I said

She kept asking what, ( this was all in a playful manner ^_^) I was waiting for her to stand upright. I told her I had a present but she needed to be facing me. She did and I gave her a huge hug!!! That was another beauty I'll keep in my heart. It shows me that not only do I still have a heart... but it can beat very very loud.

I've gone to 2 other parties. I'll be to the point about these. I faced them head on... both I didnt even think about who'd be there. I felt like a part of both crowds... rather than an outsider. and yeah I was still "different" but because I showed who I was that didn't isolate me. As I learn to follow better the four letter work inked on my back (LOVE). I learn to share it. My comments, if I feel inclined to leave them on social media are not made in hate. And, Should I say I don't like it I'll say why and give constructive not destructive criticism. Most of my comments don't get responses and... the ones that do are generally positive. I am the anti-troller.

Finally the current- and the my head lately. I may not understand how I'm achieving all of this. but.. I am. Even when I don't feel like doing things... I bargain with myself to say okay, you did that... that's awesome you really didn't want to... what's next? I'll admit this is at a bit slower of a pace than I would like... but I am slightly justifying it by the amount of work I hope to take on and accomplish in the coming year. I'm learning to listen to those phat beats (hehe PH- fat) that resonate from my chest... They tell me what I need to do, get things done... when everything feels right.

I was despairing- I couldn't figuring out my little "complex studio" I wasn't going to deal with setting it up till next year. I learned how to set it up already... again... I underestimated... me. But it's okay, it's all the better when you can stand your ground against your own criticisms... it's one of the hardest (I find) to do. But if and when you can... it's only diesel  to keep you propelling.

Today I said something... I'v been giving little mantras and sage-ish advice to myself. Like, you'll never go anywhere if you don't start the car.... or struggles are quicksand... you can thrash and cuss, and scream... when sometimes all you need is a level head.

Heh, again I have to keep coming up with different variations of these to suit the moments but they help and that's all that matters.

And, I think that's all for now. I really enjoyed writing this... this just might be my very favorite entry. And, Hopefully there is nothing but more of this to come. <B

0p3r8

I really should read the last blog I post before I catch up!

School is good... 

Halloween plans are closer to being finalized... I know that the Bf and I are about to go to the apple orchard next weekend. the weekend after that is the day with the midgets, (BF's niece and nephew) So we'll make some Halloween treats watch some inspiring movies, and head to Greenfield village. this Day will be as much for me as it will be for them. Weekend after that I am at age 25. I don't mind my age- no. What I do mind is the precious time that I have left and what I want to accomplish before that bell tolls. Anyway,s I'll be going out to Halloweekends for that...I might even go on the rides... I mean after all this season is one of, horror, wonder, and creativity. The haunted parts won't scare me lol. Ummm And We might be going to this art gallery thing which would also take care of the art trip I have to take for class and do a paper on. Our H-Day Decorations have also started to appear :D. 

Costume- the trial with the latex... a bit... of a failure... I ended up (despite every sense of danger I felt) tried to apply it over my eye... Careful as I was it still leaked into my eye... over the contact... My eye was (thankfully fine) but I had to get new contacts... Not knowing wha to do about the make-up I had to make my journey to Sephora yesterday to get some Make-up... $100 dollars later, mission accomplished. I got some new contacts coming in soon, which actually happened to look way better than the original. I still have to by a tight tech shirt to cover my mid section. this costume will be the most in depth I'll go costume wise for quite a while... I have spent at least $300 dollars on it... And for that I must work hard to make it look like $300! That being said, I am not wearing this particular costume around the small ones for fear of it getting ruined. I will be something that I already have components for. The working ideas are a ghost, Jack Frost, a scarecrow, A doll, clown, or a skeleton... Surprisingly (I have only been one of these before. 

I've been bobbing up and down from my personal attacking... I've not been tearing at myself just working on the much discussed fine tuning. I think I will Reconnect to some social media... Just put a narrow path on it as I originally had... Only use tumblr and others as outlets for whatever I feel. I would just have my blogs on tumblr but... I can't customize as freely and... Why would the people I attract by my creations and interests want to go through these? Well, I'm off to do no good. <B

Bowels

[fart noise]... I'm mature :D

Yesterday was really cool, Don't remember if I posted or no, let's go with not.... So, I saw a shit ton of my family yesterday. Saw mom, Saw my uncle which I haven't seen in 6 years, saw my grandpa which I haven't seen in 6 years. My uncle was really cool, I never really knew how to talk to him when I was younger, maybe I couldn't relate? I am not really sure but relationships of all kinds: family or friends are really important to me. Grandpa was really doing well it seemed in the nursing home, which was a very nice place. Sometimes it registered that I was his grandson all grown up, other times, he wasn't. Asked me if my mom or my dad was tall :/. He did however make a comment of self awareness admitting that he doesn't always have a grip on his thoughts. When on the subject of school I told him I was following music, surprisingly he said excellent... and he said it with enthusiasm! THAT was one of the most touching moments I've had with my grandfather... EVER! :D thank you Gramps.

Today was also the beginning of something new... I started drivers training.... Whoa man... I just got done with it in fact! The woman... was crazy.... GOOD. It was this big black lady and she was super funny and calm! I was doing so well, we both thought... a little rough on my braking, and distance between the cars ahead of me but other than that I'm good apparently. Today our main focus was on just getting the feel of the wheel. we basically just drove forward with the occasional turns and what not. Tomorrow... round two!

Now, for the rest of the day and future plans. Today I'm mainly going to be cleaning, tweaking my Halloween make-up, and internet window shopping. All signs point to this weekend kicking off the fall!... I'll be waiting <B

At the end of an empire..

^_^ Fangirling!!!

Well, due to preordering the new Celldweller album I just got the free download of the single from it!!! It's very different, more rock oriented than the last it seems... but with a name like End of an Empire... it's not gonna sound like a dance album.

This weekend was pretty F---- awesome. Didn't do too much but it was really nice. There was a lot of food involved as many other peoples. There was alcohol... last time I drank was...  a month and a half ago. So, my drinking isn't very prevalent. Ummm, I haven't used ketchup in about a week believe it or not... barely using condiments... using the hell out of deli mustard... which it like 1/3 as bad for me as ketchup. Got some caramel apples... new cologne shaped like a skull. FINALLY got some eye liner too, so I can now do more test runs for my husky make-up. After all, October is only a month away!!! Have you seen all of the displays and  the caramel apples... I saw an open orchard... Yes, it's true... And, since I check the weather religiously it says that this is the last week that will feel like summer. I just came...

Health wise this weekend has been good. I've been pretty alive and alert I feel... It could be the sugar I was ingesting or!... I bumped my wake time to 7am... Not only does that feel more natural for me... but I feel better throughout the day. I had a couple of dizzy spells ... but I don't know why... I ate everything all day for the entire weekend... I only drink water and plenty of it so... I'm not dehydrated. Odd. Today, I get to go to the best class I have ever taken so far! This is going to be pretty great. You need a little something everyday I feel to help push you along... Or I do I at least.. I need some positive things for my day to go well. I get excited about going, I come back all excited that I'm learning more. I've made some very wise decisions this weekend. I figure I'll go for one certificate at a time! Why not?? because first off, it'd be a little less confusing and that way I could be taking classes that interlock and I could easily get one certificate out of the way by going full time every semester. I have to fight to live beyond my upbringings. The one thing that I love... is I may quit for a minute or two... but I never stop thinking... and I'm persistent. I guess that's two heh. ALSO! I think I'm going to not go for the comic idea just yet... I think I'm going to work on writing the story see where that goes, if someone will publish it, or if I have to etc. So, I don't lose all of my other ideas I decided to just work on them all sporadically, as they all are some extension of me... some projects are bound to pull more from you than others... you'll never know unless you give them all fair chance rather than... no... just working on this.... I also feel this is how a lot of writers, musicians, and other people who put stuff out rather quickly do it... Is they were in the process of working on this or that before their last work was put out for the public.... So, let try it!

WEEEHHOOOOOO!! It's time for things I'm looking forward to!

There are surprisingly a lot more this month than I would have believed! To kick things off, Tonight's episode of faceoff is going to be the competition of the judges!!! Badass!!!! Next, I start drivers training the same days that are seemingly going to sail off into the cool depths of the fall. Then Next Tuesday.. is a full moon!!! Then over the weekend more training and my boyfriend's niece's princess themed birthday party... I'm going to dress up... you know... as a prince ;p. Then... Celldweller's new album the following Tuesday. The next Tuesday is the Autumn equinox. The last Tuesday of this month is Gerard Way's solo album. I told you September is only a prelude to October. <B

Not too shabby

Title is BOOOORRRRINGGG!

But, hopefully the content is the contrary. Yesterday was the first day of the music programming and sequencing class. I must admit.. I've been doing something right the last couple of days. Whether it's waking up at six, the protein the fruits and veggies or what. But I have been more alert and willing to do things. I feel better than I have since school started back up for me on May. that's crazy, nearly 4 months! it was really cool feeling the interest and passion of like minded people. The teacher seems like the perfect guy to be instructing us, he's a laid back hippie type who is confident in his abilities to teach us. I understood all and everything he was saying for the most part.. my attention (as I will always say is small) was kept still.. locked into the lecture at hand... A LECTURE!? I was intently honed in on a lecture! Yeah, that big of a deal. I spoke with a couple of people in the class other than that I was the shy old Bry :p. The class happened before the storm.

Very literal there was a storm... with sheets of rain, the sky seemed like it was near dusk. it even made the power flicker two or 3 times. they had to go on back up gens.

Surprisingly, there's not much more to say, I'm going to the boyfriend's sister's house for labor day weekend, ummmmm this summer thing is extending itself way too far into September from the news reports at least, I'm taking it easier on myself with my projects... oddly making me a little more interested in them than I was before. Today for instance, I worked effortlessly 3 hours on playing around with my music - that was my goal originally. I had set myself into it with kind of a double mindset, that I'd give it half an hour to an hour... I became immersed. I  only got a couple of quality things out of it mind you... but I'm still learning the ropes... everything else I have done up to this point is loop oriented.. I want to step out of that and use those things sparingly... like butter... or salt...  So before I share anything else I need to be in what I feel to be a better place with it. When you're proud of something it shows and it's easier for others to follow.

At least one more paragraph cuz I like to do things in 3's. Walks are becoming really popular with me. They help me to ground myself and slow down. When I notice myself start to kick up my pace because of anxiety... I catch it and cool down. This is also the part where I gush about my first love... ever... Fall. Supposedly it will be coming to town sometime next week? I essentially have the schematics for it. That cute little event for the midgets (that's what I call kids) with the Halloween treats and Greenfield Village.. it's going to happen, Jeff's sis thinks it would be a really cool idea! That really makes me smile. <B

ookie cookie

XD heh. Well, here it is the day just before I go back to class. I'm nervous and excited. It means quite a bit really. It means I'm inching closer to my goals, in a couple of ways, for example, driving, certificates, and possibly even friends!!!! But, With the beginning fall semester that also sounds off the all eminent autumn, whether if feels like it or not. I mean it is going to catch up really quick. First week of class, then the first marker of the season (labor day) and it's festivities. Then Cedar point hopefully.. The the fall becoming official. Orchard, Chicago for my birthday weekend hopefully, and greenfield village (maybe). I'm really excited to go and see My boyfriend's niece and nephew. Not only are they adorable.. but I feel like family. It's really nice. We are going to have a Halloween snack and art day ^_^ maybe art... Idk if I can do both.. but we'lll see how it goes! I'm probably as excited to do that as I am all of the other things... In fact I just came up with a brilliant idea if it'll work I don't know. I think could be fun to have a little bit of a run with it day. See how things progress and if all goes well Maybe they could go to greenfield :) After all it is more for the wee ones anyways. :D The gravitation is amazing.

The doc went well, she thinks that I am doing extremely well in regards to health (even though I did slip up this weekend a bit heh.) But yeah, she said the dizziness and what not was due to have a boosted metabolism from all of the protein I have been picking up. So, she recommended getting some healthy carbs in there like fruits and dark greens and whole grains if I'm going to do breads which of course is a given. So, I'll give it a try!
 As for my grogginess. She said that I am at a weird age. Apparently your mind stops it's development after physical growth. She told me that what's happening is apparently my mind is trying to stabilize more or less. So, she told me that at this age it is very hard to gauge the right amount of sleep needed to properly function. My plan of action is to play with the times a bit and see which works the best for me. Do a little bit of self research of course. My idea though, is to go to bed at the same time every night so I at least have that variable the same. Each week I will take note of waking up a half an hour later than the last.
Okay, let's say I've been waking up at 5:30, which I have been for like 3 months. I was getting progressively worse. So, this week I'm going to try 6am and rate each day on a scale of 1-3 when the week is over. I will collect my total. A total less than 7 is ineffective. A total between 7 and 14 is about the bare minimum. And 14 and up is where I want to be. I'll do this test all the way up to 8 am if I have to. Only 8 though because it's so wasteful to go beyond that.

Last part. FIGHT (mortal kombat reference)
I spoke with a side counselor about the lack of accomplishment I had been feeling which I knew had nothing to do with me being tired. and she said that what it sounds like is I'm really driven and just want to push myself harder and further than what I am ready for just yet. I gave it a metaphor like- "trying to lift a hundred pounds when 20 burns you out". Well- I was trying to practice my music stuff for a minimum of 3 hours a day... but the hours weren't divided or anything. I was trying to do marathons. My attention span would last  an hour at best before I was just sitting at the screen with a bungee cord of spittle  repelling from the side of my face. The woman (such a nice woman), she told me too that all things considered the choice that I have chosen to go with my set of friends is fairly justified. That in itself helped me greatly and now I'm not so ticked off that I have to contact them or feel that they're avoidant. So, I just have to find some new people and lay the ground  work early. All of this, has really helped me to understand one of the greatest things to discover in a while though. It means I'm caring again. Actually paying attention to the outcomes and challenging the bad ones. Challenging bad situations as well as my own bad moves. Striving toward my best. Because when I fell restless like I'm missing something or feeling angry like I could be doing better... it usually means that I am doing things and I have thoughts and ideas I'm running toward that body has not caught up to. So, in other words... I'm doing what I need to but when I look at the things I'm not satisfied with what I've done yet. As I've said poetry is very much an instant gratification. - Speaking of that I get to go to this little outdoors reading for the "Green Anthology" I'm going to have my first publish in.

Nothing more to say than I've actually accomplished everything that I wanted to this year and little more... but I still want to get more out of it. It's cliche' sure, but there is no rest for the wicked.
<B

Static, Signal System

The Original title was going to be called "blacked out" but I wanted to go for something a little less dramatic and worrisome lol.

Sup? I've been losing weight without necessarily trying- don't hate. Like really a pound a day. I'm down to 141. I've been so energy depraved ... I know, I know, am I eating enough? I think so! I've not been doing anything differently than I have since school started... but I have been having a curious regression since then... Of late, I've had many dizzy spells and almost passed out... No Beuneo. I've been eating protein the way the doctor has discussed. All of the doctors that I have encountered this year (mainly dentists) Have told me how healthy I am ( with the exception of some of my teeth. So I don't get it. I should on friday though hopefully. I'll be seeing my doc, bright and early at 8:30 in the morning. Just like I'll be getting a deep tooth cleaning tomorrow at 7: am 0.0. Good thing I already get up at 5:30. Which I'm really guessing if that's a good time for me to wake up ya know. I've been on this sched since may 17th more or less and I'm still tired before the day begins I even go to bed between 10 and 10:30 every night. *shrugs* Perhaps my metabolic rate is out of control who knows? Except I do notice a slight change of pace when sugar gets added to the mix... I doubt it's the bi-polar. I've had that pretty well handled.

I Killed facebook. I needed to. It wasn;t really my thing anyways. It, is a waste of time really. I gave the new account a good trial and error of 9 months though. (golf clap). This isn't bad, it doesn't (necessarily) mean I'm receding into myself again. It just shows that I am aware of my limits. So then there is the answer of why it's gone. Well what spawned it was this article I read about there being a challenge to go without it for 99 days just to see what you get done- how life has been etc. The thought was highly enticing. Along with the fact that this was introduced to me through an article saying that some people respond negatively to face book and might want to turn it off. Well, 99 days is pretty much the end of the year. So maybe I'll be back on depending. I never really liked the concept of having "friends" on facebook that I didn't talk to. Just a collection pretty much. i didn't much care to know about everything everyone was doing- it takes away from catching up. Back before this whole thing people lived their lives out and when they saw the other people again- they had stuff to talk about. I'd like very much for myself to plunge into a real life social pit. Buttt.. trying to do it on my own terms at first. And hopefully the next friends I make will be cool enough to not only be like hey, what are you doing? But to also send me a text as opposed to people who only facebook message. So annoying. It also made me fret to see all of things others were doing... things my friends would do and not give me the time of day for... ugh.

This whole ordeal was kind of like junk food... Like when you don't buy it because you know deep down that if you buy it... you'll eat it... I binged on the attention I was getting for a good while until the well ran dry. That's when I kept fishing and there was nothing left to catch.

I feel that this chapter I'm choosing to live can be a more fulfilling and happier life. In my own world with my nose in my business and everyone elses in theirs. I feel like it will open my head a bit and make me focus on me. I feel that due to my over access to things nowadays that I have lost somethings about myself that I really enjoyed and would like back. I'll take what I need from the rest of the world, but i refuse to let it make me. i'll keep my twitter for my news, keep my pinterest for inspiration.

This time around though, I'm not alone though. Not like prior times. I know I have someone that loves me and cares. And when I think about where, I'd be and who I'd be without him it is scary. I'd like a crew of Halloween loving punkster friends. I would LOVE that. But it's not in the cards for the time being. I know that I'm not alone though.

<B