Saturday, May 16, 2015
Friday, May 15, 2015
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Some silence required
yeah, it's been rather unintentional that I haven't put anything here in like a week. I've been putting in the work (recording myself). But When I've been uploading to youtube it's been taking forever to upload, and a lot of the time lately I've had to interrupt it and BAM! No news on my end. But no, not today sir... not at all! Today i am going to type it all out... For just a couple of reasons mainly.
This right here... this thing I'm doing with the fingers, and the clicking sounds, and the letters... This I can see the progress of and am confident of it getting to where it needs to be right away...The second is. There's a beautiful silence... I don't even have music on right now... just doesn't seem pleasing at the moment.
Lately I've been a little back and forth with how my mind is working but one thing is certain it's facing forward at least! I am doing the steps necessary for the goals that I need and want to achieve. For instance I am looking for work every day. Granted this might prove more of a challenge than my prior thoughts had imagined. ... I'm honest they ask questions like :
"Are you a fast learner?" or, "do you have a passion for talking with people?" or "do you enjoy working in a fast paced and always changing work environment?"
No, No, and NOT AT ALL.
I have 3 options as I see it right now, luck out and get into a comic store... get into hot topic, orrrr get into a night job. I did get an interview with the top comic store in the area... I was pumped... a little overly so... pumped until tense... anxiety probably read like a billboard across my forehead. Nonetheless it did 2 things for me. it honored me that I was considered and got an interview at a place that wasn't even advertising hiring. AND it was a place in my top 3 targets for work. So it helped build my confidence in the fact that it's not silly to hold out for what you want. Sure it may suck till it gets there. but when you do.. you'll just be even more thankful than if you got just what you wanted right away... instant gratification hardly satisfies.
Basically the last few blogs have been talking about the main couple of things sticking like pins in my head. 1. managing the surges of anxiety I've been having mainly social. This one I have to pay close attention to first off because you can't do much of anything unless you can maintain yourself first. Second is an income source. Here, in this corner we have ME with a brutal $100 to his name borrowed in student loans. BUT! I'm fighting! I filled out for a bridge card as most of what I spend my money on is groceries anyways. So that should help preserve things long enough till I figure out the main issue. Which is, the income... this is the interesting logic I've been going round and round with lately.
There are 2 pieces to this Merry-go-round. The first is the wants and needs. I know, and I want to be adamant about finding work... Meanwhile I know that I can't be on that all day... it'd burn me out worse than right now... So, I try to do other things that I want to do, go for a walk... get coffee, play with music stuff... even though sound design and or music is what I hope to achieve in the long term... what about now? I try and push off my annoyance of not working on the music... and justify it with the fact that I am doing what I need to for the present... But does that subtract and or take away from the progression of my future goals. Another thing that I am almost positively sure of, it that when I have figured out my income dilemma I should feel free and be able to more comfortably act upon my interest to spend hours absorbed in whatever endeavor I choose and not feel bad about it.
The second half deals with comparisons... Everyone does it even if they just do it in their heads... It's in human nature to look upon others and kind of "assess" where we stand in relation... The monkey see monkey do of magazines, the television... and other various medias... They all portray what and how beauty is and how it is defined. Enough people follow... the screens say gluten is bad... Point is... is the general populace will eat most of what it is given and see much anything else as abstract or wrong... without thought of the logic behind it. It exists for a reason... Everything for the most part does... Back to the personal values this has to me. I do compare.. though not as much as I have in the past... I still do... again, everyone does. Weird for me because in a lot of ways I am my own in my own thoughts and actions... but body image... body image... I've noticed greatly that as most have noticed with me. Good news is I've learned to kind of break that cycle a little bit... I am a lot better about things as long as I know that I am doing what is within my power to control... and fit into the MY standards. Which essentially consist of being between 140-150 lbs, being able to see some ribcage, and having my cheekbones be prominent. And pale skin... but I love the sun too much lol. I know by today's model male that I am almost the ANTI- in... That , I am fine with... it's just getting heavy... that I agree with the media about as being something that is not for me. I also do this with my actions and music... I know the roads I have chosen break from the path of the harvard lawyer or, the doctor, or what have you... I'm fine with that... but When faced with that awkward mention to someone who took those steps... and the fact that it is foreign to them... I do feel a bit of that good old fashioned highschool criticism sting me. Same with music, I want to be great.. I am a perfectionist ... an impatient perfectionist... This is a phrase I have to repeat daily to myself mainly when working with music... "don't try and be a clone of this or that artist... you are not them... you have something that is in YOU! Explore that, let that out! it's genuine, and people -especially those who enjoy music will hear that! Like designated signal... they'll read it..." I guess the same thing can be applied to all other facets... speak... and live with sincerity... Stick to your beliefs... these things are so hard to do and I feel they are really uncommon in these times... but if you have them and can uphold them... what you have is a self fulfilling arsenal!
Wow this is therapeutic hahhaha... It's like I just gave myself a mini self- help speech... Inspired- I'll take my bow... Have a good day, to any who might stumble across this page! MUAH!
<B
This right here... this thing I'm doing with the fingers, and the clicking sounds, and the letters... This I can see the progress of and am confident of it getting to where it needs to be right away...The second is. There's a beautiful silence... I don't even have music on right now... just doesn't seem pleasing at the moment.
Lately I've been a little back and forth with how my mind is working but one thing is certain it's facing forward at least! I am doing the steps necessary for the goals that I need and want to achieve. For instance I am looking for work every day. Granted this might prove more of a challenge than my prior thoughts had imagined. ... I'm honest they ask questions like :
"Are you a fast learner?" or, "do you have a passion for talking with people?" or "do you enjoy working in a fast paced and always changing work environment?"
No, No, and NOT AT ALL.
I have 3 options as I see it right now, luck out and get into a comic store... get into hot topic, orrrr get into a night job. I did get an interview with the top comic store in the area... I was pumped... a little overly so... pumped until tense... anxiety probably read like a billboard across my forehead. Nonetheless it did 2 things for me. it honored me that I was considered and got an interview at a place that wasn't even advertising hiring. AND it was a place in my top 3 targets for work. So it helped build my confidence in the fact that it's not silly to hold out for what you want. Sure it may suck till it gets there. but when you do.. you'll just be even more thankful than if you got just what you wanted right away... instant gratification hardly satisfies.
Basically the last few blogs have been talking about the main couple of things sticking like pins in my head. 1. managing the surges of anxiety I've been having mainly social. This one I have to pay close attention to first off because you can't do much of anything unless you can maintain yourself first. Second is an income source. Here, in this corner we have ME with a brutal $100 to his name borrowed in student loans. BUT! I'm fighting! I filled out for a bridge card as most of what I spend my money on is groceries anyways. So that should help preserve things long enough till I figure out the main issue. Which is, the income... this is the interesting logic I've been going round and round with lately.
There are 2 pieces to this Merry-go-round. The first is the wants and needs. I know, and I want to be adamant about finding work... Meanwhile I know that I can't be on that all day... it'd burn me out worse than right now... So, I try to do other things that I want to do, go for a walk... get coffee, play with music stuff... even though sound design and or music is what I hope to achieve in the long term... what about now? I try and push off my annoyance of not working on the music... and justify it with the fact that I am doing what I need to for the present... But does that subtract and or take away from the progression of my future goals. Another thing that I am almost positively sure of, it that when I have figured out my income dilemma I should feel free and be able to more comfortably act upon my interest to spend hours absorbed in whatever endeavor I choose and not feel bad about it.
The second half deals with comparisons... Everyone does it even if they just do it in their heads... It's in human nature to look upon others and kind of "assess" where we stand in relation... The monkey see monkey do of magazines, the television... and other various medias... They all portray what and how beauty is and how it is defined. Enough people follow... the screens say gluten is bad... Point is... is the general populace will eat most of what it is given and see much anything else as abstract or wrong... without thought of the logic behind it. It exists for a reason... Everything for the most part does... Back to the personal values this has to me. I do compare.. though not as much as I have in the past... I still do... again, everyone does. Weird for me because in a lot of ways I am my own in my own thoughts and actions... but body image... body image... I've noticed greatly that as most have noticed with me. Good news is I've learned to kind of break that cycle a little bit... I am a lot better about things as long as I know that I am doing what is within my power to control... and fit into the MY standards. Which essentially consist of being between 140-150 lbs, being able to see some ribcage, and having my cheekbones be prominent. And pale skin... but I love the sun too much lol. I know by today's model male that I am almost the ANTI- in... That , I am fine with... it's just getting heavy... that I agree with the media about as being something that is not for me. I also do this with my actions and music... I know the roads I have chosen break from the path of the harvard lawyer or, the doctor, or what have you... I'm fine with that... but When faced with that awkward mention to someone who took those steps... and the fact that it is foreign to them... I do feel a bit of that good old fashioned highschool criticism sting me. Same with music, I want to be great.. I am a perfectionist ... an impatient perfectionist... This is a phrase I have to repeat daily to myself mainly when working with music... "don't try and be a clone of this or that artist... you are not them... you have something that is in YOU! Explore that, let that out! it's genuine, and people -especially those who enjoy music will hear that! Like designated signal... they'll read it..." I guess the same thing can be applied to all other facets... speak... and live with sincerity... Stick to your beliefs... these things are so hard to do and I feel they are really uncommon in these times... but if you have them and can uphold them... what you have is a self fulfilling arsenal!
Wow this is therapeutic hahhaha... It's like I just gave myself a mini self- help speech... Inspired- I'll take my bow... Have a good day, to any who might stumble across this page! MUAH!
<B
Friday, May 8, 2015
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Yay or something?
Yeah, didn't even really notice that I have over 100 blogs now. Good to know.
The first week or so of starting back on with anything can be way hard especially the first 3 days to a week. With me I'm talking about eating and sleeping the way I need to be. I keep on challenging these things... wanting to live like others my age... eating whatever, sleeping whenever... but they bear consequence for me... more so than what they do for the average. Yesterday... when I felt the need to throw my hands up and say how much I was done with everything. I decided that I would look for answers... If I mentioned this mental fogginess... well, that is a symptom of bipolar... While I don't let it define me... or try not to. I do acknowledge it's very real presence...
I was curious about 2 things when I searched.... The first being if Bipolar people have a hard time concentrating.... The answer was yes on both the manic, and depressive states... both for different reasons... In manic, because it kind of emulates ADHD... in depressive, because there is a lack of interest and or restlessness.
The second, was that of my earlier mentioned fogginess... This is something that happens very frequently at times and others not so much... a lot lately though... and a lot through school both high school and college. This fogginess can range in meaning and form. Sometimes, for me, it means... stalling ... mentally trying to figure out what to say with very simple things and either getting so distracted by the slightest things going on around me or, forgetting in general. I read that in a bipolar persons mind that there is evidence in parts of the brain reacting differently. (what a shock? ;p) It says that it affects their executive functions, as well as makes it hard for them to learn and maintain new knowledge as fast as others... makes a lot of sense to me as I am the type who has to learn through repetition. I mean that's how you get better at things right? Yeah, But I need to be told repeatedly sometimes... The people who don't understand that you have a disorder... look at you with skeptic eyes... even if you were to tell them... it's not like they could ever "get it". So, now that I myself know about having this within me... Yeah, I'll share it.. it's a part of me! I'll share it with employers, it is actually listed as a valid disability, and even on some of the applications I've filled out it listed some . .
But this usually gets the worst for me when I can feel my gut... When I feel it folded up like a fleshy accordion between my lap and my chest... When I like how I look, I like how I feel and it carries into everything else... this might be why one of the things that they tell bipolar people to avoid is sugar... and eat right. Those things in general will help anybody but it's pretty detrimental to bipolar folk... I keep getting to that happy point where I like everything, I like my body, I like how I'm being social, and I feel super intense (maybe manic maybe not.), and then I decide that I want to stay up late, eat candy, not even try what I want to do (sound stuff)... and let myself down like that.
But as I said yesterday, I am proud that I have not let this become as strong as it has in the past... No, I'm still working out and waking up at the same time, now I just need to get the other two points back in order and I should be on my way. I need to watch what and how much of it I eat, and make sure i go to bed at the right time every night. Another way I'm happy to say that I'm not giving up in is that I'm looking for jobs every day. even if it's just a half hour in the least. Yesterday I spent 2 hours, 1 of which was 1 application but still. I don't necessarily remember what it was for ... Oh, yeah it was for Khol's night stock. I want night stock because I think in a lot of ways it would be good for me. The only thing that might be harmful is messing with the sleep schedule. I have to see both my prescription doctor and my case worker on the 27th? I think, somewhere at the end of the month. So, I'll be relaying as much of this to her as I can... it might be time to turn back counseling already... I give it 3 months... 3 months with a fixed diet, and schedule and see where things go from there... <B
The first week or so of starting back on with anything can be way hard especially the first 3 days to a week. With me I'm talking about eating and sleeping the way I need to be. I keep on challenging these things... wanting to live like others my age... eating whatever, sleeping whenever... but they bear consequence for me... more so than what they do for the average. Yesterday... when I felt the need to throw my hands up and say how much I was done with everything. I decided that I would look for answers... If I mentioned this mental fogginess... well, that is a symptom of bipolar... While I don't let it define me... or try not to. I do acknowledge it's very real presence...
I was curious about 2 things when I searched.... The first being if Bipolar people have a hard time concentrating.... The answer was yes on both the manic, and depressive states... both for different reasons... In manic, because it kind of emulates ADHD... in depressive, because there is a lack of interest and or restlessness.
The second, was that of my earlier mentioned fogginess... This is something that happens very frequently at times and others not so much... a lot lately though... and a lot through school both high school and college. This fogginess can range in meaning and form. Sometimes, for me, it means... stalling ... mentally trying to figure out what to say with very simple things and either getting so distracted by the slightest things going on around me or, forgetting in general. I read that in a bipolar persons mind that there is evidence in parts of the brain reacting differently. (what a shock? ;p) It says that it affects their executive functions, as well as makes it hard for them to learn and maintain new knowledge as fast as others... makes a lot of sense to me as I am the type who has to learn through repetition. I mean that's how you get better at things right? Yeah, But I need to be told repeatedly sometimes... The people who don't understand that you have a disorder... look at you with skeptic eyes... even if you were to tell them... it's not like they could ever "get it". So, now that I myself know about having this within me... Yeah, I'll share it.. it's a part of me! I'll share it with employers, it is actually listed as a valid disability, and even on some of the applications I've filled out it listed some . .
But this usually gets the worst for me when I can feel my gut... When I feel it folded up like a fleshy accordion between my lap and my chest... When I like how I look, I like how I feel and it carries into everything else... this might be why one of the things that they tell bipolar people to avoid is sugar... and eat right. Those things in general will help anybody but it's pretty detrimental to bipolar folk... I keep getting to that happy point where I like everything, I like my body, I like how I'm being social, and I feel super intense (maybe manic maybe not.), and then I decide that I want to stay up late, eat candy, not even try what I want to do (sound stuff)... and let myself down like that.
But as I said yesterday, I am proud that I have not let this become as strong as it has in the past... No, I'm still working out and waking up at the same time, now I just need to get the other two points back in order and I should be on my way. I need to watch what and how much of it I eat, and make sure i go to bed at the right time every night. Another way I'm happy to say that I'm not giving up in is that I'm looking for jobs every day. even if it's just a half hour in the least. Yesterday I spent 2 hours, 1 of which was 1 application but still. I don't necessarily remember what it was for ... Oh, yeah it was for Khol's night stock. I want night stock because I think in a lot of ways it would be good for me. The only thing that might be harmful is messing with the sleep schedule. I have to see both my prescription doctor and my case worker on the 27th? I think, somewhere at the end of the month. So, I'll be relaying as much of this to her as I can... it might be time to turn back counseling already... I give it 3 months... 3 months with a fixed diet, and schedule and see where things go from there... <B
Monday, May 4, 2015
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Z is for Zorrow (sorrow)
i don't know whats going on... really don't... what's more? I really don't like whatever it is... it's a place that's a little more than too familiar... Nothing is really helping again... I just want to withdraw.. and stay away from everything... everyone... EVERYONE.
I've been melancholic...but a new sensation has arrived within me.. usually when I feel this way... I'm apathetic as well... do they mean the same thing? Oh well,. Back to what I was saying though... usually melancholy just entails for me a "floating" type of existence... one where I see what's going on... the whole phrase: "the lights are on but no one's home". perfect fit... but this time... I have reached a weird combination of... said melancholy, immense anger I feel in my core, and the profound sadness and interest in just going underground... leaving everything and pretending I never existed. No, that wasn't a self harm reference... I was merely, indicating an identity shift. Often times... just walking about... I've wondered what it would be like to be a gypsy... the only real things to stop me? I trust no one... But the thoughts remain... where would I go? what or who would I see..., Would i know what I was after all along when I found it... or forever choose to be a Nomad, living through the days making it in the best possible ways, in relation to when and where I'm at, at a given instant. Would I feel liberated? Would I feel a gratefulness for everything that I get that I have never known? ... Would I be a liar,.. a thief? Or a curious but kind-hearted man? perhaps, I finally be free to whatever it is I wanted or was... things hat have remained to be shown yet.. things I've always wanted to have been but never could, due to the caged feeling of others expectations... and wants and needs... We let others shape us far more than we should... we want so much to be liked... or loved, etc that we toss ourselves away sometimes... But then... you know what brings me back to the reality of it all? The damning thoughts that people would have if I shared it with them. And now I see it... I can be this person... Though not so much a stray (as much as I would like to be) I can start... doing what I want to and need to for me.. who knows where that will go right? I feel trapped a lot of the time because there are things I need to say all the time to people and I'm just dying o say them... it's in my blood to need to tell people things... I pull back... and I pull back... and I pull back... because I "don't want to hurt them". When in reality, I'd rather sting them right away then let the poison brew within... and then expel a terminal dosage. meanwhile... the surplus rests in me... slowly I get sicker with everyday that I can't admit... or share.. or deliver the message I nee to send to the right recipients... And again, I pull back some more... because I on't have the energy to fight about it... I only have the energy to respectfully talk about it... if I tell something to someone calmly I only find it respectful to reply as such... I'm not singling anyone person out... though one lays heavy in my thoughts right now. I'm not sure what exactly is going on with me beyond the fact that I feel I need to hide in order to appease everyone but myself... don't like it never will. I've changed... could be bad or good... that's really kind of a perceivable thing. I feel great when I just let things out... when I say what I want... Like this bottling up of things... i just icing on a cake comprised of other layers. finding work I want... sticking to my guns for once and not settling... I know for now that, that is an irritant, but in the bigger picture.. I'll be building a stronger foundation for myself than I ever have...I need to prove to myself that I can be this individual... I don't want war... But this blog does need to speak up for me. I'm going to say what I fucking want to in it because it's my god damn time here. This doesn't mean I'm going to be a "mean person"... Just means I need to be honest with myself above all... I really don't like the fact I can't tell the one person I have about my problems... because they are emotionally closed off... and defensive... I'm tired of being underestimated, underrated, and told who and what I am or am not.. by anyone... including myself....
This reminds me of another time in my life... but I'm done talking for now.... going to try move on...
I've been melancholic...but a new sensation has arrived within me.. usually when I feel this way... I'm apathetic as well... do they mean the same thing? Oh well,. Back to what I was saying though... usually melancholy just entails for me a "floating" type of existence... one where I see what's going on... the whole phrase: "the lights are on but no one's home". perfect fit... but this time... I have reached a weird combination of... said melancholy, immense anger I feel in my core, and the profound sadness and interest in just going underground... leaving everything and pretending I never existed. No, that wasn't a self harm reference... I was merely, indicating an identity shift. Often times... just walking about... I've wondered what it would be like to be a gypsy... the only real things to stop me? I trust no one... But the thoughts remain... where would I go? what or who would I see..., Would i know what I was after all along when I found it... or forever choose to be a Nomad, living through the days making it in the best possible ways, in relation to when and where I'm at, at a given instant. Would I feel liberated? Would I feel a gratefulness for everything that I get that I have never known? ... Would I be a liar,.. a thief? Or a curious but kind-hearted man? perhaps, I finally be free to whatever it is I wanted or was... things hat have remained to be shown yet.. things I've always wanted to have been but never could, due to the caged feeling of others expectations... and wants and needs... We let others shape us far more than we should... we want so much to be liked... or loved, etc that we toss ourselves away sometimes... But then... you know what brings me back to the reality of it all? The damning thoughts that people would have if I shared it with them. And now I see it... I can be this person... Though not so much a stray (as much as I would like to be) I can start... doing what I want to and need to for me.. who knows where that will go right? I feel trapped a lot of the time because there are things I need to say all the time to people and I'm just dying o say them... it's in my blood to need to tell people things... I pull back... and I pull back... and I pull back... because I "don't want to hurt them". When in reality, I'd rather sting them right away then let the poison brew within... and then expel a terminal dosage. meanwhile... the surplus rests in me... slowly I get sicker with everyday that I can't admit... or share.. or deliver the message I nee to send to the right recipients... And again, I pull back some more... because I on't have the energy to fight about it... I only have the energy to respectfully talk about it... if I tell something to someone calmly I only find it respectful to reply as such... I'm not singling anyone person out... though one lays heavy in my thoughts right now. I'm not sure what exactly is going on with me beyond the fact that I feel I need to hide in order to appease everyone but myself... don't like it never will. I've changed... could be bad or good... that's really kind of a perceivable thing. I feel great when I just let things out... when I say what I want... Like this bottling up of things... i just icing on a cake comprised of other layers. finding work I want... sticking to my guns for once and not settling... I know for now that, that is an irritant, but in the bigger picture.. I'll be building a stronger foundation for myself than I ever have...I need to prove to myself that I can be this individual... I don't want war... But this blog does need to speak up for me. I'm going to say what I fucking want to in it because it's my god damn time here. This doesn't mean I'm going to be a "mean person"... Just means I need to be honest with myself above all... I really don't like the fact I can't tell the one person I have about my problems... because they are emotionally closed off... and defensive... I'm tired of being underestimated, underrated, and told who and what I am or am not.. by anyone... including myself....
This reminds me of another time in my life... but I'm done talking for now.... going to try move on...
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