Awe tism

signals from somewhere

heh, not a bad title kinda cool in fact.

Tooooday, I gotta ask myself how I feel. I feel interesting. a weird mix of HEY GET BACK ON THAT HORSE! and a mix of... but the floor is so comfortable... I don't know if that makes sense

The best way I can describe, is those moments when you know you need or want to do something but you either excuse it... or it's simply easier to "let's not and say we did".

Weird All Was phenomenal by the way! he dressed up for every song and made his songs come to life. He was like a real life cartoon character... He even wore the fat suit from "Fat". That was probably my favorite , wasn't expecting that at all... but little was to be expected rather than the over the top antics you'd expect. The end, was a small encore performance of his star wars songs... Accompanied with storm troopers, chewbacca, and darth vader. EPIC!

This week will mainly entail calling back hot topic, and my caseworker to see about work rehabilitation, and looking for needed counseling. Then, at the end of it is kind of another mini vacation. Which is staying at the boyfriends' sister's house to watch the dogs. I enjoy it pretty well.. I am ready to leave by the end of the 3 or four day stretch though. They live in the country which is only fun for so long.

I get back just in time to see the eye doctor! hahaha there's a pun in there and it couldn't be helped! then... pretty much a week without anything. then mom turns sixty... I have a med review with my doc, and then it's the nude 5k. June is going to fly... good and bad I suppose.

Nothing really planned for July as of yet. Not really much of anything planned until the fall. Which is usually the case I've found... a subconscious choice, or a coincidence I am not sure.

Thus far my plan to break the day up into smaller parts is a success. I've been coming up with three goals to carry out, and then I can feel good about having done those... Then 3 more, and then 3 more. I try to write out at least 9 a day and handle them in threes. I also will try and work on the goals for three hours at a time and then take an hour off... and then get back on it. That's a good balance I feel. Actually this is the first goal of the second set of goals for the day, the next being job hunting and looking for counselors  as earlier mentioned.

What else... what else... what else...

I'm not sure I got the video up of how my little office is shaping up but I like it! I'm sincerely a fan of it. I've got a lot of my greatest inspirations and cool things gathering around me... makes me actually want to carry things out a bit more. I think that's why I was actually glued to the dining room area for the longest time, was because it was my "office" and it has a lot of cool things that I adore like my phoenix statue and my candles. and my stereo, things I have hovered around and or sat stationed next to a lot of my life. So, it only makes sense to bring some of this energy to the place where I should be spending more time... Here at this desk, talking to myself out loud for those who want to listen to hear...er- read :p

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Blimey this took over 2 hours to upload

Shiny and chrome

Hyding

Jekyll is elsewhere.

It's been really rough for me the last couple of days....Weeks, But I'm going on... I'm trying to do what's needed and expected of myself. for myself. I am the only one that matters in this regard. I've been feeling a lack of interest with most everything... staying up late... craving things that would make me damn myself at a later time... Yeah I'll go as far to say now that I am in fact depressed... Nothing new... it's the way of things... Regular everyday people get the blues... but it usually takes a lot more for them to get them... the blues that is... and for the most part they seem to be able to patch themselves up rather quickly in comparison... I've always looked at others after the fall and saw them do so... I watched my gaping wounds saturate... and I watched the rest with needle and thread... they heal quite fast... Not fair... but the hand I've been dealt... if I spend the game wishing for a new hand all I'll do is lose right? Right... I've taught myself in the past that it can be so very easy to give into my shadow... to eat all I'll regret... to pardon my eyes from the world for as long as I can... purge my wallet for means of a short lived smile... It's like trying to kill a phantom hunger... you can't touch it but you know it's there... grabbing at your insides making you feel this ill hatred toward yourself... and the world... and how it made you into what you hate... so then you say fuck it all... nothing matters.. I'll lye here and rot... I might have those who care now... I need more... but I'm only as hopeful for that as I am finding god... I'd rather skip the egg hunt. I feel like a vampire.. and not in a fun kind of pretend way... not at all.. the kind that hide from the light... the kind that want to infect... the kind that will bite, but only enter if you invite them... Manners are all they have... bound by something unknown, that keeps them here though they'd rather not be... also feeling an emptiness that is momentarily appeased by the flush of another's life. 

"I hold the whole world accused, and I've only got myself to blame" 

Lyrics I've heard while typing this... Perfect in relation to how I'm feeling... I try to no think of the world beyond... because I don't care to see all of the people and their adventures happening before me. It reminds me of earlier said "missing components". I love this guy.. we are from different cuts of cloth however. When I'm up... he's down... and vice versa... I don't want to sit around all of the time. I'm 25 years old... I'm not the typical 25 year old mind you but I am  still young.... I want to go for walks and I want to feel alive... really much like a vampire I seek other people to sustain me... Been feeling very similar to villains... ever since I was little I always identified with the villain... I always wanted to play him when play fighting. I know I'm wasting the day away... I woke up late today... I almost didn't work out... almost just stayed in bed so, that being said... I'm doing exceedingly better than I intended to. earlier it was my intention to avoid you, to stay in the room until you left or were asleep. It's not like I've not barred myself from the world before... I'm an expert... whether it's the confines of a specific room, or an entire building... I can stay inside hide quite well... And as the title insists I can also Hyde just as well. if not better.. Brood and hate... and frown... This is who I'm trying to evade... he beats me down as hard as the world if not harder... He's the one who pushes me out of the way when he's had enough of being silenced... he's the voice that answers when I've reached that special place no one hopes to be. 

I'm looking into counseling for the eating.. for the sex... for stress, the anxiety... the constant state of confusion I drift in... people without an illness can never really understand it... it's not fairy dust... it's not our fucking imaginary friends... It's our inner demons that happen to be a bit stronger than others. I don't like talking like a 14 year old emo kid... nobody likes reading it... But I just have to spew this out... spew is a good word... like vomit... this is all trash I need to say... But it's all real... it's even more real when bring it into view... And here it is on the screen... where I can nod and agree and say... I've been there... I am there... and I will leave again... This stop is on the list of least desirable locations to live in... This is a good blood because of the bleeding... because I am draining so much raw emotion into it... I wish I had tears... but given my lack of certain feelings... I have not been able to ... for a long time... I can't recall when, I actually cried... at least 2 years ago if not 3... I need other friends... I tried to reach out and make friends with another person with similar afflictions... she's in the same state... I can't do it... though she and I are in the same pit... I'm looking for the signs of ways to get out... I'm trying to keep focused... I know... I know... that's what it takes to get out of here... stay under the weight or push back... the more you fight quicksand.. the faster you'll sink... the faster you sink... the more you'll panic and so forth. You have to calculate as much as you can... so if this is making sense... this is why I can't have that type of friend... she's at a different level in the sand and I have to focus on myself... 

Again anybody can say they understand somebody's mental troubles... but that is a lie... they can only understand the concept... it's not something you know about it's something you feel... and something I would not want anyone to have to endure... I can never ever understand when people whine about trivial things... the prom queen who didn't get the right dress... the kid who didn't get an allowance raise... I try to think of how those are irrelevant  in comparison to my problems... and then I turn my head a =round and look at how there are others who would rightfully laugh or spit on my issues... people missing senses... people who are terminally sick.. That lessens the sting if only even slightly... it helps. At least nowadays I know I'm not alone... no one ever truly is... and that helps as well.. There is without a doubt someone, somewhere on this giant rock that is feeling exactly or very close to what you are feeling. Some worse... Understand that. I used to think that I was this being... this cruel imported joke from somewhere other than this world... I had no idea there were and are people out there who love the things that I do... but I found some through the internet... albeit, I've not met any friends I can hug... no tangible people... just text, and assumed personalities. 

I felt a twinge of hope... a slight lightening in my heart. Felt good. I know I've made my mistakes... maybe more than most... that is just what it is... I have to carry the same acceptance with knowing that I also learn slower than others... .. and interesting fact about this weird emptiness and all the feelings that I am having... I can recall feeling them from years back at very specific moments.... I actually remember wanting to end myself before I was even 10... I don't know how serious it was but I do remember threatening to smash a brick into my head... I recall feeling... hollow... even then... I knew I was different back then... I still feel it... but on a positive note... I feel like I have a calling that I am ascending to.... when I am high on those moments... those are the moments that are worth living... 

Some of this entry is part forgetting to take my pill (I need to start pulling those out for myself when I get breakfast). Part of it is that I went to bed late, part is that I "ate bad" last night... Part is that I am envious of all of the friends and the plans that are being made... but a lot of it are the hormones within... I won't ask for apologies... nor will I apologize for  anything I've written. It's valid . Feelings and observations that I need to share... that I cannot share at a given moment... My other is not a therapist nor should they have to be. Although he might be the first guy to TRY and understand me and my plague... I hold my stance on no one being able to decipher it... Maybe instead of looking up memes and Huffington post you could help read up on some stuff about your other...

Again counseling is the best route... undeniably so.. I've made the calls and got some back that I'll return soon.... 

I have so much indecision on things... I want to do things... but nothing sounds good... but I desperately want something to do... this is usually where the voracious urge appeals... it's simple... it's fast... it's right there... and it feels good if only for a moment... things are really crazy maybe... even crazier when I don't give in... I hate things with what I call drug mentalities... Meaning: things that will pick you up for a bit before slamming you back down, potentially down further than the initial low. I have to see it this way to fight the urge... Might as well be withdrawing.. I am very outspoken about a handful of things... I try to turn the lens on myself a lot of the time... such as.... When I hear that people are having trouble getting off drugs... or drinking... or smoking... my initial reaction? Never start... you'll never have to stop... Everyone has their drug... Most peoples poisons are far more destructive than they are productive.. they counteract that persons actions.  Again... I can face the lens sometimes... I'm only human I can't catch everything that I happen to be doing.... But I can say that I've done that multiple times... and I'm trying to quit it... That's why I mentioned the drug mentality in the first place... It's because I can be an artist adept in the fine art of self destruction... I wrote a poem for myself about it called "Imploding Grenade". I get it... But you have to bring out the strictness and the parent within yourself and be as logical and self aware as possible to succeed in most things...

I want what a lot of people want... I want to be successful in most everything that I do... I know that some areas will slip... that's just how it is.. I'd love to speak I'd love to tell other people how well they are doing I really would... for those people who think that they are behind... or losing... I could share with them that hey.... they should keep at it... I have to follow a lot more steps than most in a day just to function on a similar level to others... and then I can take on the world with the rest... but as I just said... I have steps that I have to take before I can even start. 

But after all I've said ... there is one thing that the disorder thing can do for people... When they get those good moments in time... they cherish it ... they feel SO good from it... And I can't say for sure but probably appreciate things a little more than the average person.. I feel that once we get to a good spot (the people with disorders) that we understand... to stop moving... whether that be learning, or working on bettering yourself etc... is to basically give up! If you're not learning anything, you can't branch out... there will be a lot more barriers in life... who needs that? I have enough... That's why when people want to me that I'm brave for being gay... or bipolar... or different it doesn't do much for me... I'll repeat this again because I love saying it... You HAVE TO KEEP MOVING... if even slow... don't stop.... 

That means you too Bry Bry <B 

you're a Neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie

IIIII did not happen to get to post my vid yesterday... but it went something along the lines of things getting slightly more productive, if even just a little bit.

How you ask?

 Well I'm slowly picking myself back up out the rut that was falling in... am I out yet.. I'm not sure I completely am. But I'm getting there. I'm not vidding it up today because it's one of those peaceful days that I would rather not disturb. Plus... there is a worker across the parking lot I'm afraid that might magically hear me. and I feel more like typing than anything today in regards to blogging.

Yesterday was pretty good to me. I got to sit down with my caseworker and talk about the income situation and it really helped release some of the tension... She directed my attention to some outlets for other counseling: some websites where I can find people that meet my needs out here. So I wrote down a handful of names and groups I'll have to further investigate. She also showed me this work rehabilitation agency, that can help you find strengths, weaknesses, and what works best for you and your "disability"! That is awesome! That's kind of what I am doing now... but everyone can use a hand every once in awhile... and some people need more than others... that's just fine as long as it's to aid you and not fully hold you up.

Today I called my doc and set up an appointment for friday at ten.... my bladder... yadda yadda... there's something that I feel is iffy... the last time I waited on something that I was worried about.... oh man I was SORRY! .... pffft and I wasted a Halloween too!.... This year I'll be back in black.. orange and black.

So that means tomorrow is my dental cleaning, and then the docs... and then maybe the interview for my bridge card. I want to do this temporarily until I find work where I will excel... I'm fairly certain I've said this over and over again that this next job... it will be something that I actually care about... I mean I cared about having money before... but I did not enjoy what I was selling... nor did I enjoy the types of customers the stores attracted. I know what I want a bit better this time and I'm going to set myself up for success.  For example... today I had an interview that I didn't do... because I felt like I'd be settling for something that I would hate and something that anyone with interest in having "work" could get... They were DESPERATE! I mean this guy seemed like he didn't even want to interview when I talked to him and just hire! ... Because actually he even said... " you could start today or tomorrow!".... wow... red flag.... That would strip the self respect I am trying very hard to build for myself: call me stubborn but I don't wanna let that slip!

Today has been pretty good just getting everything in order... and finally today is warm enough... but not too warm to leave the house! a rarity in these parts. OH! and  two more quick mentions... I've decided that it is best for me to try and do three things at a time... I know I'm constantly constructing new ways and schedules with which to work... BUT all of us who are growing and moving forward are doing this right? I've found it hard writing out a whole huge list of everything to do for the day... I'd be annoyed if I did not get it all done... So my remedy is to focus on three things at a time. One foot after another. Then by doing so I can be like "Hey, yeah got those done! LEVEL TWO! FIGHT!!!" #MortalKombatReferenceOfTheDay. Then I have also decided to work for 3 hours... and let myself do what I want to for an hour and then repeat. I find that fair! And lastly I think that I even might do that with days of the week? Not sure yet if that would be healthy ... or if I'd get annoyed with myself... Or maybe I'd still do everything but be a little more casual about it al. Who knows... but maybe every third day will be a break... I mean you get breaks at work... both hourly and days off. I just have to be aware of where things are... what things need to be done... etc.

Wow, using actual paragraphs almost appropriately... look at me! (I'm aware that's it's not indented SHHHHH!)

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Facelss...

  Speaking of check out the still frame the vid starts out with... yeesh! 0.o