Yeah, that's seriously the best that I have in terms of creativity. That title sucks, pardon it please?
But anyways at the time of my writing this we stand 3 months from my favorite day. I'm not sure if I've expressed this, but as I grow a bit more refined in my taste and what not. I am slowly gravitating more towards savoring the anticipation of the day itself.
What does this mean? Well, it's pretty much as it sounds... I'm looking forward to looking forward to the greatest day of the year. Not only is is my favorite but it is the gateway to my my other two favorite holidays: X-mas and Saint Patrick's day.
I love living in the anticipation of it, rather than the day itself being at hand. If anything I often times feel myself to be slightly depressed the day of Halloween itself, because I know I'll have to wait AGAIN!
Why do I even like the day so much? I can't really explain it without a comparison. To me it's much like a comfort food, a security blanket, and mental vacation all in one. Knowing what those things are and their purposes should help to better define what it is to me. Also, most everyone has that one defining thing about them that they are known for. I'd like to think that I have adopted a holiday as my 'persona'.
As I've aged... I've started accepting my quirks. That's not to say that I'm still not sensitive. I am, that's just one facet of myself that makes me, me. But rather than necessarily feeling paranoid about reacting or responding to something in a way that reflects my personality I am more proud to let people know about my interest.
This time around I feel like I understand that I am "different" and the likelihood of that ever changing is very insignificant. I accept that just as I can't understand why people would vote for the current president, or support guns, or try to overbear and control the lives of others... that those people most likely can't understand why I love a childish holiday to the extent that I do, why I love music that isn't kind to the general public's ears, and why I don't abide by other imperative norms.
But I have to be myself and stay true to it as much as possible no matter the dislike that it may or may not foster. I know that for the most part I am a very niche character (I might even type-cast myself a bit) and that I will have more frequent disagreements than most.
The pay off to this is: less self resentment, and allowing those who will appreciate me to find me. Most every star (especially of the more bizarre variety) just did as they needed and felt.
I once heard that as a person, most people's personalities have solidified by the end of their twenties, and I would agree with this on a personal level.
ONE A LESS DEEP NOTE!
I finished up the summer semester as of 2 weeks ago. I survived both with scary results... AA!
Haha, fooled ya. I got an A in the both of the couple of courses I took. In one, a solid A, and the other an A-. I was stunned by that last one, I swore that I would have gotten a B at best. but yeah! pulled it off!
Just last week I met with my new counselor... honestly I think that what I will have to (and should do) is switch counselors every 3 years, unless results are markedly presented.
Okay, 30 minute timer is up, that's all for right now. I'll attempt this more frequently, but now I'll just say: No promises.
Take it easy!
Showing posts with label Halloween. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Halloween. Show all posts
Monday, July 31, 2017
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Lovely day for a Gatling gun
bang bang bang bang!
A lot has happened and not happened lol. I spelled that wrong twice in a row... But yeah. I've been doing more stuff than usual and it's become quite a journey. Allowing myself to open more... to feel more. It's really fascinating what I'm learning that I have lost for quite awhile. The acting class is extracting some interesting qualities from my pretty secretive life... But I love it... the things hardest to do usually have a great pay off. It starts off as fear.. and then anxiety, followed by pain... and then clarity.
So much clarity in fact... not a ton... but not all is clear all the time. I stood before my class in my self- management class, and she raved about my poetry... It's the thing that's made the most sense to me for the biggest portion of my life... but I always pushed it away as a pipe dream... and a waste of time... I spent so much time trying to integrate and masquerade as many other things... (a director, a clubber, a psychologist, and most recently.... a musician. This uh bipolar disorder... not to blame it all in this... hinders the stability of self image... it's a known system... But when I catch things that make sense and click they are cherished grand discoveries that I don't take lightly, but celebrate. While, I am not the best with punctuation and other facets of writing that I will have to work on. I have a smooth sense of wording... Yes the thing that has always felt right... didn't feel fake about myself was my writing. I mean, I love pens and empty notebooks... there's just soo much possibility and I just want to smother their pages with ink. Many revelations.. chances and thoughts .
But, that explains that.. concise and to the point I feel. I'm a writer and that's that.
What's been happening and is going to happen? I've started meeting some really cool people. Today might consist of the following: South Lyon Pumpkinfest, pants shopping, and seeing mom. Tomorrow, is a lunar eclipse :), Full BLOOD MOON the last one has not happened in 33 years!, then Monday Will be packed with the secretary of state, the social security office for a new social security card, and counseling, rewarded by the witches night out with ace people. Tuesday get your fix... it's national coffee day.
Thursday is going to be my second acting thing, but the rough draft of it. My character is uptight and fed up... perfect! The couple people that saw us practicing liked it.
The weekend I will go to my second poetry event and this time I will read more confidently. I have to start attending more of these things and make my name a little more known. And placing myself in more situations for networking purposes. Shouldn't be extremely taxing considering Ann Arbor is fairly literate.
The weekend after that there is a tentative Halloween Gathering.
And then the weekend after that is Halloweekends! One of the major staples as it is for my birthday.
A lot has happened and not happened lol. I spelled that wrong twice in a row... But yeah. I've been doing more stuff than usual and it's become quite a journey. Allowing myself to open more... to feel more. It's really fascinating what I'm learning that I have lost for quite awhile. The acting class is extracting some interesting qualities from my pretty secretive life... But I love it... the things hardest to do usually have a great pay off. It starts off as fear.. and then anxiety, followed by pain... and then clarity.
So much clarity in fact... not a ton... but not all is clear all the time. I stood before my class in my self- management class, and she raved about my poetry... It's the thing that's made the most sense to me for the biggest portion of my life... but I always pushed it away as a pipe dream... and a waste of time... I spent so much time trying to integrate and masquerade as many other things... (a director, a clubber, a psychologist, and most recently.... a musician. This uh bipolar disorder... not to blame it all in this... hinders the stability of self image... it's a known system... But when I catch things that make sense and click they are cherished grand discoveries that I don't take lightly, but celebrate. While, I am not the best with punctuation and other facets of writing that I will have to work on. I have a smooth sense of wording... Yes the thing that has always felt right... didn't feel fake about myself was my writing. I mean, I love pens and empty notebooks... there's just soo much possibility and I just want to smother their pages with ink. Many revelations.. chances and thoughts .
But, that explains that.. concise and to the point I feel. I'm a writer and that's that.
What's been happening and is going to happen? I've started meeting some really cool people. Today might consist of the following: South Lyon Pumpkinfest, pants shopping, and seeing mom. Tomorrow, is a lunar eclipse :), Full BLOOD MOON the last one has not happened in 33 years!, then Monday Will be packed with the secretary of state, the social security office for a new social security card, and counseling, rewarded by the witches night out with ace people. Tuesday get your fix... it's national coffee day.
Thursday is going to be my second acting thing, but the rough draft of it. My character is uptight and fed up... perfect! The couple people that saw us practicing liked it.
The weekend I will go to my second poetry event and this time I will read more confidently. I have to start attending more of these things and make my name a little more known. And placing myself in more situations for networking purposes. Shouldn't be extremely taxing considering Ann Arbor is fairly literate.
The weekend after that there is a tentative Halloween Gathering.
And then the weekend after that is Halloweekends! One of the major staples as it is for my birthday.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
BURRRRRRP!
You're welcome.
I figured it is about that time again to spit out some knowledge, some insight, some memories.
PAST:
SOOOOO said baseball game happened. That was cool. I went into it exactly as I had intended which was indifferent. That way it was more likely that I would be less agitated. Needless to say it worked. Even when I was pressed in with a bunch of strangers, I was pretty damn calm. I found myself freaking out and was able to bring down my anxiety quite a bit by thinking myself through it.
Anyways, mom had the best time which was really cool, it was expected that she would enjoy the event the most. I feel bad though... I felt like and I actually knew that I was kind of ignoring her.. I am aware of that and as to why that is. But all in all a positive experience... and I got my crackerjacks!
Next up, my bf and I went to a wedding (his sister's sister in law) I'd only really seen her in passing at like birthday parties and things, but was invited by association. It was really cool, better than I would have thought. I even convinced my bf to dance to the funky chicken. Because that was the only song that sounded cool to me, and I could rationalize looking silly doing. That and I saw the withered faces of a lot of old people staring out into the dancing people with unaltered faces. One in particular stood out to me. I thought very quickly to myself, as I saw some ladies 3 times my age getting down on the floor, and two of which told me I need to be out there! HAHA. Yeah I should be. Life is short even if it was just one song. I need to be doing it! Enjoying the little life that I have left. I didn't want to be like the other spectators... wasting the even shorter time they had left, unenthusiastic, and confused on the sidelines.
CURRENTLY:
I am listening to some Celldweller to drown out the sound of the neighbors fraternizing. I think that it actually cleared them out. GOOD. I've started to wake up at six, because I have goals in mind and I need to keep them in my cross-hairs as often as possible and balance giving myself the credit I should be giving myself as well as the inspiration needed to fuel said dreams even further along. I'm pretty sure that was a run on sentence. But I've been watching more videos to learn things. Realizing more and more that if I want something I'm going to need to get moving especially because a lot of people my age are further along in their ventures. I didn't have that luxury when I was a youth. I mean I could have but I was enjoying the little bit of well deserved peace I was getting. Don't want to elaborate on that. I have a little board behind my comp that has the goals I've accomplished as well as some strong words of encouragement. I also came up with a new plan to kind of lock myself in my space for 3 hours at a time, and only leave to use the bathroom. I mean literally only leave to use the bathroom. I'll gather all the things that I think that I'll need and just station myself there. The reason for waking up at six though is to pretty much help justify to myself the lack of work that I'd be putting in otherwise at the end of the day when I am with my boyfriend. And being less annoyed about the time. So yeah.. Eye on the prize type thing, and being more organized trying to implement the creative process... I even though about leaving my phone out of the room while doing this. But for the most part I tend to not really realize it's in the room unless it's right on my desk. Even then sometimes... I get consumed... Which is one of the best things possible to realize that I've been so involved that I've been one with whatever I am doing.
FUTURE:
This weekend we are watching the dogs again, which as I have stated back a couple of blogs ago is a fun thing for me. It will especially be the the last thing before I am back to the school thing. Nervous, excited. But I'll attempt the neutral stance that has aided me quite a bit this year. Plus when school hits, it's essentially fall. I mean come on people look at the months as the markers for the seasons, not the specific date of he 21st... Sure that's the official... but people really see the fall as being September, October, November. With less than 2000 hours to spare until the big H I'm pretty optimistic.
<B
I figured it is about that time again to spit out some knowledge, some insight, some memories.
PAST:
SOOOOO said baseball game happened. That was cool. I went into it exactly as I had intended which was indifferent. That way it was more likely that I would be less agitated. Needless to say it worked. Even when I was pressed in with a bunch of strangers, I was pretty damn calm. I found myself freaking out and was able to bring down my anxiety quite a bit by thinking myself through it.
Anyways, mom had the best time which was really cool, it was expected that she would enjoy the event the most. I feel bad though... I felt like and I actually knew that I was kind of ignoring her.. I am aware of that and as to why that is. But all in all a positive experience... and I got my crackerjacks!
Next up, my bf and I went to a wedding (his sister's sister in law) I'd only really seen her in passing at like birthday parties and things, but was invited by association. It was really cool, better than I would have thought. I even convinced my bf to dance to the funky chicken. Because that was the only song that sounded cool to me, and I could rationalize looking silly doing. That and I saw the withered faces of a lot of old people staring out into the dancing people with unaltered faces. One in particular stood out to me. I thought very quickly to myself, as I saw some ladies 3 times my age getting down on the floor, and two of which told me I need to be out there! HAHA. Yeah I should be. Life is short even if it was just one song. I need to be doing it! Enjoying the little life that I have left. I didn't want to be like the other spectators... wasting the even shorter time they had left, unenthusiastic, and confused on the sidelines.
CURRENTLY:
I am listening to some Celldweller to drown out the sound of the neighbors fraternizing. I think that it actually cleared them out. GOOD. I've started to wake up at six, because I have goals in mind and I need to keep them in my cross-hairs as often as possible and balance giving myself the credit I should be giving myself as well as the inspiration needed to fuel said dreams even further along. I'm pretty sure that was a run on sentence. But I've been watching more videos to learn things. Realizing more and more that if I want something I'm going to need to get moving especially because a lot of people my age are further along in their ventures. I didn't have that luxury when I was a youth. I mean I could have but I was enjoying the little bit of well deserved peace I was getting. Don't want to elaborate on that. I have a little board behind my comp that has the goals I've accomplished as well as some strong words of encouragement. I also came up with a new plan to kind of lock myself in my space for 3 hours at a time, and only leave to use the bathroom. I mean literally only leave to use the bathroom. I'll gather all the things that I think that I'll need and just station myself there. The reason for waking up at six though is to pretty much help justify to myself the lack of work that I'd be putting in otherwise at the end of the day when I am with my boyfriend. And being less annoyed about the time. So yeah.. Eye on the prize type thing, and being more organized trying to implement the creative process... I even though about leaving my phone out of the room while doing this. But for the most part I tend to not really realize it's in the room unless it's right on my desk. Even then sometimes... I get consumed... Which is one of the best things possible to realize that I've been so involved that I've been one with whatever I am doing.
FUTURE:
This weekend we are watching the dogs again, which as I have stated back a couple of blogs ago is a fun thing for me. It will especially be the the last thing before I am back to the school thing. Nervous, excited. But I'll attempt the neutral stance that has aided me quite a bit this year. Plus when school hits, it's essentially fall. I mean come on people look at the months as the markers for the seasons, not the specific date of he 21st... Sure that's the official... but people really see the fall as being September, October, November. With less than 2000 hours to spare until the big H I'm pretty optimistic.
<B
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
FULL MOONS I"M A SLACKER!!!
blahahahahahha
WOW! I actually looked back at the last time that I have posted an entry! 8 days? Crazy!
Anyways though. I think I've not been reporting in because I have felt sick and or haven't felt there was not enough for me to say. I DUNNO! But let's get intro this!
PAST:
Okay, so what's been up Bry Bry? Ah, nothing much. Being too hard on myself.. Not sleeping that well, trying a new med that made me sick. ummm okay... anything good though? Well, yeah I've kept up almost 3 whole weeks of being dairy free! Good job. Yes, good indeed. I've been feeling really sluggish and stuff. That kinda sucks... but I'm working on seeing a neurologist hopefully next month. Hopefully it's sleep related, because I do not know what else could be the cause. What Else... What else! OOO! Probably my favorite thing! On Sat or Sun, the bf and I rearranged some stuff. It has made the flow of everything so amazing! There were a couple of reasons for said rearranging of the house/ rooms. But the main one was that, I love being in solitude in the morning... I'm not that social of a being to begin with, but that morning isolation is much needed to carry on and collect thoughts and stuff. Because when I invest in something... I become enamored... BUT it's not to the point where everything else is filtered out... In these moments I need to be alone... Other presences distract me. .... except for sometimes when I'm in public, and the anxiety actually helps me to focus and pull my head out of the world that surrounds me... What can I say other than I am what I am and I do what I do. I can only work with my cards and try to play them in the best ways possible.
ANYWAYS... Focus Bry. Okay we got this. But what we did is we put the treadmill in the guest room which was one the "guest room/ office room". We moved the stereo in there, (which knowing me, I'll follow my stereo, it's how I work out... it's how I've worked out since the dawn of my exercising. Sooo I am back into my own domain, and I don't feel like my morning space is being invaded, and my bf doesn't feel like he's being invasive. In addition to that awesome move... We also moved my little work space into the room! So now I have my own little space, and we can separate if needed. I love it... Now I have sunlight right behind me.... I can control the amount of light coming in through the room, (the curtains in the other room were fixed, light could get through, but the only way to get the most light was to raise them up. and I was off to the corner which felt awkward like my inner child had done something wrong. Back to the perks of the new room.
I can burn my candles in it safely, My stereo is right next to my desk, So if I want some better sound I could hook my comp up to my stereo. Everything has great flow here.
And then there is the empty space... now in the dining room. ;(... but NOT TO WORRY!. The bf also get's a sweet deal! he got to buy the dining room table he has been eyeing for the whole 8 months of this year. It's a nice honey colored corner table booth thing... Like the kind you would find in the corner of a restaurant. And now that I won't be all naked and stuff in the living room, we can keep the side window open! Let some awesome sunlight in all the time and letting the nice view in. That's great because that's one of the features of the place that had made me fall in love with it! SOOO that's what has happened! So little but yet so much!
PRESENT:
Today is in the air... No not because it is one of the freestyle days. But because had been feeling for awhile that I was trying too hard to force a schedule upon myself and... MAKE myself do things... When you try and make yourself to do things in art... at least for me... it turns out gross and I hate it and it just doesn't feel right it really strips the magic from the project. I mean don't get me wrong there needs to be guidelines to some degree. Like the amount of hours of each you'd like to get done. But doing marathons are... gross and discouraging. At least for me they are... I need to do what pops into my head when it pops into it! Just a thing.. Always been that way... when I force it I draw a blank and I'm over it. And I am sad because of that... and this nasty cycle of resentment. So.. yeah basic guidelines will help... and there's also some other good things... with things that I would like to time... I SHOULD literally time them. With the timer/ alarm on my phone... Put my phone down and try to give myself fully to whatever it is that I need to or want to be doing. Which, again is a personal thing that helps me ... kind of relieves me... Takes the weight from the things just a little bit kind of locking me in to a time frame... that's not too long not supers short. And then sometimes, I'll go the half hour route. That mean's I'll do something for half an hour, if I'm not feeling it right then and there, then I'll come back later. BUT if I am enjoying it and I I'm in the zone so to speak... I'll just keep it up. So, yeah... it is usually around these times that the lightening up is surprisingly helpful... it helps me to be more positive and more proactive... because I'm not being one of those overbearing parents to myself... You know the one... the one that wants their kid to be perfect and pushes them to the breaking point all of the time... And then when I don't adhere to that inner voice it batters me.
Simply stated I usually over stress to the point of stagnancy...
THIS JUST IN!!! I almost died... or really fucked myself up! Why? The table came! I try to tumble it up the stairs by myself to surprise the boyfriend... Alas I could not... I got stuck... I also slid back... and it would have crushed me for sure!... By some fate...I called for him... and he heard me from his nap... and help me get it back down the stairs at least. WHOO!! excitement... endorphins! Blood pumping action!
FUTURE:
August is full of necessary evils and somethings that put the FUN back in FUNCTIONS!! ... yeah that wasn't good lol. But the nearest thing is probably the full moon on friday... The second full moon this month. Which I hear is extremely rare... So it should be more special... I should really try and go out that night and visit it.
Then there's the baseball game I have mentioned. that should be unique. I'm most exciting about the cracker jacks... but I really do care if I come back... that'd be scary... am I the only one who thinks that it's horrifying that you usually hear kids singing that song by the way? I'm sure John Walsh hates that song.
Then a wedding... I'm not particularly thrilled.. I don't know the people... I've met them but hardly talked to them and stuff... It's the sister in law of my Bf's sister. Ummm free food and booze though, should I (probably) choose to indulge in that.
Then watching the dogs again.. earlier blogs say that.
I gotta get school books.. and go to a thing for the job rehabilitation thing that I finally signed up for. Andddd, last but not least Go back to school.
And again... I don't mind August... Especially if it's got things to look forward to to help the month pass... It's like fiber for a month that is constipated. But again... Halloween stuff is on the rise... August this the beginning... muahahaha.
One last thing... there is the possibility of going to Chicago on my B-Day weekend.... THAT"S AWESOME. Fall, awesome....October, awesome...Birthday, awesome... Chicago awesome... All together plus right around Halloween?!? This might rival my best birthday to date! (my 17th). But As with everything I shall go in with compressed expectations... as much as I can for going to Chicago around my B-day. Worst case scenario we can't go. Oh well. the back up of Halloweekends is still awesome! And now that I'm getting better at trying to make my B-day this grandiose thing... I can take what I get... I mean I already have it in the best season, the best month, and 13 days before the best Holiday
... Nuff said
<B
WOW! I actually looked back at the last time that I have posted an entry! 8 days? Crazy!
Anyways though. I think I've not been reporting in because I have felt sick and or haven't felt there was not enough for me to say. I DUNNO! But let's get intro this!
PAST:
Okay, so what's been up Bry Bry? Ah, nothing much. Being too hard on myself.. Not sleeping that well, trying a new med that made me sick. ummm okay... anything good though? Well, yeah I've kept up almost 3 whole weeks of being dairy free! Good job. Yes, good indeed. I've been feeling really sluggish and stuff. That kinda sucks... but I'm working on seeing a neurologist hopefully next month. Hopefully it's sleep related, because I do not know what else could be the cause. What Else... What else! OOO! Probably my favorite thing! On Sat or Sun, the bf and I rearranged some stuff. It has made the flow of everything so amazing! There were a couple of reasons for said rearranging of the house/ rooms. But the main one was that, I love being in solitude in the morning... I'm not that social of a being to begin with, but that morning isolation is much needed to carry on and collect thoughts and stuff. Because when I invest in something... I become enamored... BUT it's not to the point where everything else is filtered out... In these moments I need to be alone... Other presences distract me. .... except for sometimes when I'm in public, and the anxiety actually helps me to focus and pull my head out of the world that surrounds me... What can I say other than I am what I am and I do what I do. I can only work with my cards and try to play them in the best ways possible.
ANYWAYS... Focus Bry. Okay we got this. But what we did is we put the treadmill in the guest room which was one the "guest room/ office room". We moved the stereo in there, (which knowing me, I'll follow my stereo, it's how I work out... it's how I've worked out since the dawn of my exercising. Sooo I am back into my own domain, and I don't feel like my morning space is being invaded, and my bf doesn't feel like he's being invasive. In addition to that awesome move... We also moved my little work space into the room! So now I have my own little space, and we can separate if needed. I love it... Now I have sunlight right behind me.... I can control the amount of light coming in through the room, (the curtains in the other room were fixed, light could get through, but the only way to get the most light was to raise them up. and I was off to the corner which felt awkward like my inner child had done something wrong. Back to the perks of the new room.
I can burn my candles in it safely, My stereo is right next to my desk, So if I want some better sound I could hook my comp up to my stereo. Everything has great flow here.
And then there is the empty space... now in the dining room. ;(... but NOT TO WORRY!. The bf also get's a sweet deal! he got to buy the dining room table he has been eyeing for the whole 8 months of this year. It's a nice honey colored corner table booth thing... Like the kind you would find in the corner of a restaurant. And now that I won't be all naked and stuff in the living room, we can keep the side window open! Let some awesome sunlight in all the time and letting the nice view in. That's great because that's one of the features of the place that had made me fall in love with it! SOOO that's what has happened! So little but yet so much!
PRESENT:
Today is in the air... No not because it is one of the freestyle days. But because had been feeling for awhile that I was trying too hard to force a schedule upon myself and... MAKE myself do things... When you try and make yourself to do things in art... at least for me... it turns out gross and I hate it and it just doesn't feel right it really strips the magic from the project. I mean don't get me wrong there needs to be guidelines to some degree. Like the amount of hours of each you'd like to get done. But doing marathons are... gross and discouraging. At least for me they are... I need to do what pops into my head when it pops into it! Just a thing.. Always been that way... when I force it I draw a blank and I'm over it. And I am sad because of that... and this nasty cycle of resentment. So.. yeah basic guidelines will help... and there's also some other good things... with things that I would like to time... I SHOULD literally time them. With the timer/ alarm on my phone... Put my phone down and try to give myself fully to whatever it is that I need to or want to be doing. Which, again is a personal thing that helps me ... kind of relieves me... Takes the weight from the things just a little bit kind of locking me in to a time frame... that's not too long not supers short. And then sometimes, I'll go the half hour route. That mean's I'll do something for half an hour, if I'm not feeling it right then and there, then I'll come back later. BUT if I am enjoying it and I I'm in the zone so to speak... I'll just keep it up. So, yeah... it is usually around these times that the lightening up is surprisingly helpful... it helps me to be more positive and more proactive... because I'm not being one of those overbearing parents to myself... You know the one... the one that wants their kid to be perfect and pushes them to the breaking point all of the time... And then when I don't adhere to that inner voice it batters me.
Simply stated I usually over stress to the point of stagnancy...
THIS JUST IN!!! I almost died... or really fucked myself up! Why? The table came! I try to tumble it up the stairs by myself to surprise the boyfriend... Alas I could not... I got stuck... I also slid back... and it would have crushed me for sure!... By some fate...I called for him... and he heard me from his nap... and help me get it back down the stairs at least. WHOO!! excitement... endorphins! Blood pumping action!
FUTURE:
August is full of necessary evils and somethings that put the FUN back in FUNCTIONS!! ... yeah that wasn't good lol. But the nearest thing is probably the full moon on friday... The second full moon this month. Which I hear is extremely rare... So it should be more special... I should really try and go out that night and visit it.
Then there's the baseball game I have mentioned. that should be unique. I'm most exciting about the cracker jacks... but I really do care if I come back... that'd be scary... am I the only one who thinks that it's horrifying that you usually hear kids singing that song by the way? I'm sure John Walsh hates that song.
Then a wedding... I'm not particularly thrilled.. I don't know the people... I've met them but hardly talked to them and stuff... It's the sister in law of my Bf's sister. Ummm free food and booze though, should I (probably) choose to indulge in that.
Then watching the dogs again.. earlier blogs say that.
I gotta get school books.. and go to a thing for the job rehabilitation thing that I finally signed up for. Andddd, last but not least Go back to school.
And again... I don't mind August... Especially if it's got things to look forward to to help the month pass... It's like fiber for a month that is constipated. But again... Halloween stuff is on the rise... August this the beginning... muahahaha.
One last thing... there is the possibility of going to Chicago on my B-Day weekend.... THAT"S AWESOME. Fall, awesome....October, awesome...Birthday, awesome... Chicago awesome... All together plus right around Halloween?!? This might rival my best birthday to date! (my 17th). But As with everything I shall go in with compressed expectations... as much as I can for going to Chicago around my B-day. Worst case scenario we can't go. Oh well. the back up of Halloweekends is still awesome! And now that I'm getting better at trying to make my B-day this grandiose thing... I can take what I get... I mean I already have it in the best season, the best month, and 13 days before the best Holiday
... Nuff said
<B
Monday, July 20, 2015
dlnvoirjiojvjoigfoinvldsn because why not?
Brain... failing...
PAST:
I'm not quite sure than has been anything too titillating. What's happened though? Well, I'll tell ya. It's been different. Not sure if good or bad. But what I am sure of is that I am changing. I saw my psychiatrist again, and we mutually decided I should add a little extra medicine. NOW, I've been feeling a little strange since then I won't lie. But maybe it's because I need to adjust? I am not really sure as there are other variables present that I could change and see if they factor in, or if indeed the medicine is the culprit. I've been eating a lot of sugary things... I guess enjoying the things that I can eat now. I've been without dairy for nearly two weeks. Sure it does suck. But I've noticed that I'm a lot more regular.... I sound so fucking old. It's supposedly really good for you as we don't need milk. Its more of a treat like anything else involving dairy... chocolate and almost any other creamy thing. But it's for the best this way. Because it saves me... it's indeed a net. now I can't just go anywhere and pick up a treat. except oreos... did you know there is no dairy of any kind involved in it... Scary I know but delicious the same. But yeah, the boyfriend has been more on tack than I have food wise. It's whatever I only have to impress myself, and him. If others happen to be as well... so be it but it's no longer a huge goal. I have real people things to attend to. Not who's hot and who's not. Hmmmm. what else happened? Idk... Still tired... slightly less so due to the walk I just got back from, (vitamin D and all that jazz). Let's move on.
CURRENT:
I have pretty much summed it up with tired. Again, it could be the medicine, it could be me trying to toy with my schedule, it could be a sugar hangover from the marshmallow fluff I recklessly indulged in last night. I'm not certain in any capacity which of them it is, and maybe it's multiple. But I do have to say that I am impressed with having not only exercised today, But I've figured out the insurance stuff, looked at when I have to get books for class, looked at when class starts (august 24), and the days and times in which I would need to be there. I'm blogging so that will be off of the checklist, I've shaved, went for a walk... leaving me to have to clean and and practice. So, I've finished 2/3 of my goals. After wards I will take an hour or so and then come up with 3 more, listen to music, and or just try and practice some more. Maybe read a little?
FUTURE:
Soooo, this week is loot crate, Heroes edition... we'll see what's in that. ... and then a full moon on the 31st. Pretty cool, but august has suddenly become kind of full. Kick starting the month with a baseball game of all things. I never thought I would say yes, or care to even try and go to anything involving sports... especially in the middle of the summer. But I want the experience. I'm very curious about it all. Camping went well, Just have to try it. I used to say, and I will start saying it again. I will try things in 3's. My only complaint is the thing that I am most interested in is so early in the month. Thus... leaving the rest of the month kind of limp. It happened this month too with the 4th of July camping trip. July usually goes especially slow for me anyways... seeing as it is meant for summer people... July is to summer people as October is to fall people... I get it... I really do. and it is better than oh, say January or February. But, it's in the way. But Bryan, October's not for another 3 months. Noted. I used to dislike August equally if not more because it's like getting up to the biggest scene in a movie and having the power go off. Ready to get on with it... but having an unfortunate obstacle. Now, I see August as many retailers do... It's the beginning. It's the time when dark things start to conspire in small groups, and plan their approach to store display domination. The B- side to July that Assure's you Halloween IS COMING. Then September plunges you right into the middle of things. Finally, October. Everything is in full swing! The only sad bit, is... much like Halloween creeps up so do the greens and reds. They've already begun to... But I can't think about that. I just hope that this upcoming Season will far surpass that of last year. I am in better health, and I am ready! majority of the problem last year... stupid scratched cornea... Now the Halloween aesthetics won't be quite the same... I'l have to get a little more creative I guess. Anyways that's it!
<B
PAST:
I'm not quite sure than has been anything too titillating. What's happened though? Well, I'll tell ya. It's been different. Not sure if good or bad. But what I am sure of is that I am changing. I saw my psychiatrist again, and we mutually decided I should add a little extra medicine. NOW, I've been feeling a little strange since then I won't lie. But maybe it's because I need to adjust? I am not really sure as there are other variables present that I could change and see if they factor in, or if indeed the medicine is the culprit. I've been eating a lot of sugary things... I guess enjoying the things that I can eat now. I've been without dairy for nearly two weeks. Sure it does suck. But I've noticed that I'm a lot more regular.... I sound so fucking old. It's supposedly really good for you as we don't need milk. Its more of a treat like anything else involving dairy... chocolate and almost any other creamy thing. But it's for the best this way. Because it saves me... it's indeed a net. now I can't just go anywhere and pick up a treat. except oreos... did you know there is no dairy of any kind involved in it... Scary I know but delicious the same. But yeah, the boyfriend has been more on tack than I have food wise. It's whatever I only have to impress myself, and him. If others happen to be as well... so be it but it's no longer a huge goal. I have real people things to attend to. Not who's hot and who's not. Hmmmm. what else happened? Idk... Still tired... slightly less so due to the walk I just got back from, (vitamin D and all that jazz). Let's move on.
CURRENT:
I have pretty much summed it up with tired. Again, it could be the medicine, it could be me trying to toy with my schedule, it could be a sugar hangover from the marshmallow fluff I recklessly indulged in last night. I'm not certain in any capacity which of them it is, and maybe it's multiple. But I do have to say that I am impressed with having not only exercised today, But I've figured out the insurance stuff, looked at when I have to get books for class, looked at when class starts (august 24), and the days and times in which I would need to be there. I'm blogging so that will be off of the checklist, I've shaved, went for a walk... leaving me to have to clean and and practice. So, I've finished 2/3 of my goals. After wards I will take an hour or so and then come up with 3 more, listen to music, and or just try and practice some more. Maybe read a little?
FUTURE:
Soooo, this week is loot crate, Heroes edition... we'll see what's in that. ... and then a full moon on the 31st. Pretty cool, but august has suddenly become kind of full. Kick starting the month with a baseball game of all things. I never thought I would say yes, or care to even try and go to anything involving sports... especially in the middle of the summer. But I want the experience. I'm very curious about it all. Camping went well, Just have to try it. I used to say, and I will start saying it again. I will try things in 3's. My only complaint is the thing that I am most interested in is so early in the month. Thus... leaving the rest of the month kind of limp. It happened this month too with the 4th of July camping trip. July usually goes especially slow for me anyways... seeing as it is meant for summer people... July is to summer people as October is to fall people... I get it... I really do. and it is better than oh, say January or February. But, it's in the way. But Bryan, October's not for another 3 months. Noted. I used to dislike August equally if not more because it's like getting up to the biggest scene in a movie and having the power go off. Ready to get on with it... but having an unfortunate obstacle. Now, I see August as many retailers do... It's the beginning. It's the time when dark things start to conspire in small groups, and plan their approach to store display domination. The B- side to July that Assure's you Halloween IS COMING. Then September plunges you right into the middle of things. Finally, October. Everything is in full swing! The only sad bit, is... much like Halloween creeps up so do the greens and reds. They've already begun to... But I can't think about that. I just hope that this upcoming Season will far surpass that of last year. I am in better health, and I am ready! majority of the problem last year... stupid scratched cornea... Now the Halloween aesthetics won't be quite the same... I'l have to get a little more creative I guess. Anyways that's it!
<B
Sunday, May 31, 2015
signals from somewhere
heh, not a bad title kinda cool in fact.
Tooooday, I gotta ask myself how I feel. I feel interesting. a weird mix of HEY GET BACK ON THAT HORSE! and a mix of... but the floor is so comfortable... I don't know if that makes sense
The best way I can describe, is those moments when you know you need or want to do something but you either excuse it... or it's simply easier to "let's not and say we did".
Weird All Was phenomenal by the way! he dressed up for every song and made his songs come to life. He was like a real life cartoon character... He even wore the fat suit from "Fat". That was probably my favorite , wasn't expecting that at all... but little was to be expected rather than the over the top antics you'd expect. The end, was a small encore performance of his star wars songs... Accompanied with storm troopers, chewbacca, and darth vader. EPIC!
This week will mainly entail calling back hot topic, and my caseworker to see about work rehabilitation, and looking for needed counseling. Then, at the end of it is kind of another mini vacation. Which is staying at the boyfriends' sister's house to watch the dogs. I enjoy it pretty well.. I am ready to leave by the end of the 3 or four day stretch though. They live in the country which is only fun for so long.
I get back just in time to see the eye doctor! hahaha there's a pun in there and it couldn't be helped! then... pretty much a week without anything. then mom turns sixty... I have a med review with my doc, and then it's the nude 5k. June is going to fly... good and bad I suppose.
Nothing really planned for July as of yet. Not really much of anything planned until the fall. Which is usually the case I've found... a subconscious choice, or a coincidence I am not sure.
Thus far my plan to break the day up into smaller parts is a success. I've been coming up with three goals to carry out, and then I can feel good about having done those... Then 3 more, and then 3 more. I try to write out at least 9 a day and handle them in threes. I also will try and work on the goals for three hours at a time and then take an hour off... and then get back on it. That's a good balance I feel. Actually this is the first goal of the second set of goals for the day, the next being job hunting and looking for counselors as earlier mentioned.
What else... what else... what else...
I'm not sure I got the video up of how my little office is shaping up but I like it! I'm sincerely a fan of it. I've got a lot of my greatest inspirations and cool things gathering around me... makes me actually want to carry things out a bit more. I think that's why I was actually glued to the dining room area for the longest time, was because it was my "office" and it has a lot of cool things that I adore like my phoenix statue and my candles. and my stereo, things I have hovered around and or sat stationed next to a lot of my life. So, it only makes sense to bring some of this energy to the place where I should be spending more time... Here at this desk, talking to myself out loud for those who want to listen to hear...er- read :p
<B
Tooooday, I gotta ask myself how I feel. I feel interesting. a weird mix of HEY GET BACK ON THAT HORSE! and a mix of... but the floor is so comfortable... I don't know if that makes sense
The best way I can describe, is those moments when you know you need or want to do something but you either excuse it... or it's simply easier to "let's not and say we did".
Weird All Was phenomenal by the way! he dressed up for every song and made his songs come to life. He was like a real life cartoon character... He even wore the fat suit from "Fat". That was probably my favorite , wasn't expecting that at all... but little was to be expected rather than the over the top antics you'd expect. The end, was a small encore performance of his star wars songs... Accompanied with storm troopers, chewbacca, and darth vader. EPIC!
This week will mainly entail calling back hot topic, and my caseworker to see about work rehabilitation, and looking for needed counseling. Then, at the end of it is kind of another mini vacation. Which is staying at the boyfriends' sister's house to watch the dogs. I enjoy it pretty well.. I am ready to leave by the end of the 3 or four day stretch though. They live in the country which is only fun for so long.
I get back just in time to see the eye doctor! hahaha there's a pun in there and it couldn't be helped! then... pretty much a week without anything. then mom turns sixty... I have a med review with my doc, and then it's the nude 5k. June is going to fly... good and bad I suppose.
Nothing really planned for July as of yet. Not really much of anything planned until the fall. Which is usually the case I've found... a subconscious choice, or a coincidence I am not sure.
Thus far my plan to break the day up into smaller parts is a success. I've been coming up with three goals to carry out, and then I can feel good about having done those... Then 3 more, and then 3 more. I try to write out at least 9 a day and handle them in threes. I also will try and work on the goals for three hours at a time and then take an hour off... and then get back on it. That's a good balance I feel. Actually this is the first goal of the second set of goals for the day, the next being job hunting and looking for counselors as earlier mentioned.
What else... what else... what else...
I'm not sure I got the video up of how my little office is shaping up but I like it! I'm sincerely a fan of it. I've got a lot of my greatest inspirations and cool things gathering around me... makes me actually want to carry things out a bit more. I think that's why I was actually glued to the dining room area for the longest time, was because it was my "office" and it has a lot of cool things that I adore like my phoenix statue and my candles. and my stereo, things I have hovered around and or sat stationed next to a lot of my life. So, it only makes sense to bring some of this energy to the place where I should be spending more time... Here at this desk, talking to myself out loud for those who want to listen to hear...er- read :p
<B
Monday, February 9, 2015
BUUUUUURRRRRRPPPPPPP
Excuse me.
The Main idea today is.... scattered lol. But mainly, the main idea (hahaha) is knowing yourself and whatever works...
everything I'm seeing for the most parts revolves around these themes. There is no specific way of doing everything. In fact, I'd say most innovation comes from either blunders or just trying something "crazy". I just sold a piece of equipment I bought a year ago, it was more than what I needed and I felt that at the time. But it is what it is, and I accepted it now. I just have to be a little more attentive to the little voice of reason poking around in the back of my brain. Now, I'm going to purchase the item I knew I should have went with and it will get more use and I should be happier with it for sure.
[Stuff]
So, yeah Avidly been researching every little thing that crosses my mind. I am fully unlocking the potential for the internet, For so many years it's just been a source of Youtube, Downloading music, video games, Amazon, and other...things ;p. But if I want to know something all I have to do is ask... I usually base the answer off of the average answer on the first page of google and roll with it as to save time. Ummmm.. Friday 13th, Valentine's Day ^_^ (always loved it). And Vegas, maybe this on other thing, I'm hesitant to try, but might... because Idk I've never done it... and the winter has helped with a little bit of a regression socially... as is the tendency for many others.
Vegas, my first plane trip...Ummm.. yup... nope not... afraid?! heh... But I am excited... I become more excited ( and more nervous about the plane) as it gets closer to the date, that's just how it is when I'm unfamiliar with things and places, and things usually turn out better that way... I am not allowed to over analyze by any means lol.
I'm less excited about the casino and more interested in being in another state, and being in a warmer and sunnier area, as well as... a couple of really cool costume shops and a year round haunted house!
I am totally getting my Halloween craving back... especially having two back to back Friday the 13th's! Tease. it always comes back about this time of year, fades out slightly in the summer and then slams into mid July. I think it's because... January is an awful month and... Halloween is a comfort zone... Like a default setting if you will. It has all I love: it's festive, it has lore,it's creative, it can be dark, cute, sexy, or all of that!
Sleepy day... sleepy weather... I should watch the little video I recorded of that gorgeous and odd autumn day at the end of august. ... That day... pure, simple... but so deep. I need more of that. <B
The Main idea today is.... scattered lol. But mainly, the main idea (hahaha) is knowing yourself and whatever works...
everything I'm seeing for the most parts revolves around these themes. There is no specific way of doing everything. In fact, I'd say most innovation comes from either blunders or just trying something "crazy". I just sold a piece of equipment I bought a year ago, it was more than what I needed and I felt that at the time. But it is what it is, and I accepted it now. I just have to be a little more attentive to the little voice of reason poking around in the back of my brain. Now, I'm going to purchase the item I knew I should have went with and it will get more use and I should be happier with it for sure.
[Stuff]
So, yeah Avidly been researching every little thing that crosses my mind. I am fully unlocking the potential for the internet, For so many years it's just been a source of Youtube, Downloading music, video games, Amazon, and other...things ;p. But if I want to know something all I have to do is ask... I usually base the answer off of the average answer on the first page of google and roll with it as to save time. Ummmm.. Friday 13th, Valentine's Day ^_^ (always loved it). And Vegas, maybe this on other thing, I'm hesitant to try, but might... because Idk I've never done it... and the winter has helped with a little bit of a regression socially... as is the tendency for many others.
Vegas, my first plane trip...Ummm.. yup... nope not... afraid?! heh... But I am excited... I become more excited ( and more nervous about the plane) as it gets closer to the date, that's just how it is when I'm unfamiliar with things and places, and things usually turn out better that way... I am not allowed to over analyze by any means lol.
I'm less excited about the casino and more interested in being in another state, and being in a warmer and sunnier area, as well as... a couple of really cool costume shops and a year round haunted house!
I am totally getting my Halloween craving back... especially having two back to back Friday the 13th's! Tease. it always comes back about this time of year, fades out slightly in the summer and then slams into mid July. I think it's because... January is an awful month and... Halloween is a comfort zone... Like a default setting if you will. It has all I love: it's festive, it has lore,it's creative, it can be dark, cute, sexy, or all of that!
Sleepy day... sleepy weather... I should watch the little video I recorded of that gorgeous and odd autumn day at the end of august. ... That day... pure, simple... but so deep. I need more of that. <B
Friday, January 30, 2015
Suck at hide and seek
Yeah, I can't hide very well.
it's definitely needed in real life. Oddly enough, you need to be some degree of "fake" in the "real" world. I've always found the concept concerning. I've also find it odd how people let one aspect of themselves become the main presentation of them self ... which is not usually noticed by them...
Is it clear that I'm no entirely focused today? yep. Sho is. So, what I'm ultimately getting at is, that I like being able to be me, say what I want and whatever. there's a nagging sense of insincerity otherwise. I mean, I feel, for the most part that I can't-" just be "sometimes. (this is usually when I'm a bit down... which the winter is assisting me greatly with.) Example... In my classes ... it's so quiet and people really don't talk to each other. When I do I have major communication break downs... but they are guys, so there's that normal obstacle for me. I know we have common interests because of the class.. but it doesn't really extend into genres. So beyond wanting to create music... there's nothing... Do I say.... How bout that super plate sunday? Oh... yeah bowl... *awkwardly darts off*
When I do feel inclined to let me out... I just feel like a bass in a world of treble.. (I just learned that treble is easily absorbed by objects whereas bass cuts through.) I feel unstoppable.
It's very obvious at this point in time that I keep my eye on my actions. because that's the only way to stop and or fix something. I'm trying to listen to what my heart, head, and body say all at once. Everyone would be a little bit better, but the truth is one or two are often overlooked or locked up. People don't want to let out emotion, or people don't want to look dumb, or people push their physical limits until they crash... I'm trying to listen.... These three things I feel are a core basis of everything. Because everything starts with the individual.
Again, I have lost track.
But I guess not really. this entry is just a therapeutic remedy at the moment. I need to talk and hear myself so to speak. I've quick caffeine, rather I'm in the process of. I've been doing research on how to guard myself from old man winter's psychological attacks. Sapping energy, motivation, interest. I've read coffee as being good, and bad. Good because it helps stimulate happy parts of your brain. Bad because it is much like a drug, and you hit further down once the initial kick dies off. Which, is very tricky at this point in time. I can't have it. I've also began to listen to psybient, goa trance, and some other light variations of electronic music. I use it in the morning before I work out to just think. It's very good for thinking because it sounds nice and smooth and it's not over stimulating.
I had to back off from one of my classes... One I knew in the back of my head that I should never have taken, at least not this semester. trust yourself. I knew back then that, that specific class with my current frame of mind would be too cumbersome.
BUUUUT let's talk about some positive stuff now. I'm learning some cool stuff in class, I like my teachers. I feel I'm getting better but. I'm severely impatient and just want to be "there". Ummmm It's almost Valentine's day (my 2nd favorite holiday) and that is right after, ... FRIDAY THE 13th!!! I like to try and regard these as mini Halloweens. And then... there's another fri 13th before my 3rd favorite holiday St' patricks day... Oh and I'm Going to VEGAS in just 4 weeks. At least January is over... the worst month of the year is done... It's getting lighter earlier holidays are popping up.
Lastly, I finally have contact with the school radio station, and I should have a slot on Thursday at 5pm I believe. It will be called EclecticA and it will last for an hour. So, 4 Awesome things slated for the coming month. Fuck you January, fuck - you.XD Radio-Love-13- and Vegas. <B
it's definitely needed in real life. Oddly enough, you need to be some degree of "fake" in the "real" world. I've always found the concept concerning. I've also find it odd how people let one aspect of themselves become the main presentation of them self ... which is not usually noticed by them...
Is it clear that I'm no entirely focused today? yep. Sho is. So, what I'm ultimately getting at is, that I like being able to be me, say what I want and whatever. there's a nagging sense of insincerity otherwise. I mean, I feel, for the most part that I can't-" just be "sometimes. (this is usually when I'm a bit down... which the winter is assisting me greatly with.) Example... In my classes ... it's so quiet and people really don't talk to each other. When I do I have major communication break downs... but they are guys, so there's that normal obstacle for me. I know we have common interests because of the class.. but it doesn't really extend into genres. So beyond wanting to create music... there's nothing... Do I say.... How bout that super plate sunday? Oh... yeah bowl... *awkwardly darts off*
When I do feel inclined to let me out... I just feel like a bass in a world of treble.. (I just learned that treble is easily absorbed by objects whereas bass cuts through.) I feel unstoppable.
It's very obvious at this point in time that I keep my eye on my actions. because that's the only way to stop and or fix something. I'm trying to listen to what my heart, head, and body say all at once. Everyone would be a little bit better, but the truth is one or two are often overlooked or locked up. People don't want to let out emotion, or people don't want to look dumb, or people push their physical limits until they crash... I'm trying to listen.... These three things I feel are a core basis of everything. Because everything starts with the individual.
Again, I have lost track.
But I guess not really. this entry is just a therapeutic remedy at the moment. I need to talk and hear myself so to speak. I've quick caffeine, rather I'm in the process of. I've been doing research on how to guard myself from old man winter's psychological attacks. Sapping energy, motivation, interest. I've read coffee as being good, and bad. Good because it helps stimulate happy parts of your brain. Bad because it is much like a drug, and you hit further down once the initial kick dies off. Which, is very tricky at this point in time. I can't have it. I've also began to listen to psybient, goa trance, and some other light variations of electronic music. I use it in the morning before I work out to just think. It's very good for thinking because it sounds nice and smooth and it's not over stimulating.
I had to back off from one of my classes... One I knew in the back of my head that I should never have taken, at least not this semester. trust yourself. I knew back then that, that specific class with my current frame of mind would be too cumbersome.
BUUUUT let's talk about some positive stuff now. I'm learning some cool stuff in class, I like my teachers. I feel I'm getting better but. I'm severely impatient and just want to be "there". Ummmm It's almost Valentine's day (my 2nd favorite holiday) and that is right after, ... FRIDAY THE 13th!!! I like to try and regard these as mini Halloweens. And then... there's another fri 13th before my 3rd favorite holiday St' patricks day... Oh and I'm Going to VEGAS in just 4 weeks. At least January is over... the worst month of the year is done... It's getting lighter earlier holidays are popping up.
Lastly, I finally have contact with the school radio station, and I should have a slot on Thursday at 5pm I believe. It will be called EclecticA and it will last for an hour. So, 4 Awesome things slated for the coming month. Fuck you January, fuck - you.XD Radio-Love-13- and Vegas. <B
Monday, December 22, 2014
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Dear DIEary
Love a horrible pun ^_^
Last weekend- with the kids- was... GREAT lol. The one that could talk kept on saying how much fun she was having. I died on sugar and was resurrected only by my will till learn electronic music score.
_ZomBry_
that's about it really... that and practicing- testing new things- researching- listening- looking for the advice and stories of those I look up to. I've gotten significantly better all ready... very little acquired from my current music class but... I tend to learn things at my own rate... I learn far better through hands on trial and errors more than anything. My eyes glaze over the more I have to listen and not do. I'm getting the habit of practicing every day- it's becoming as vital as my work outs for me. I get fairly antsy if I don't do it or feel I have not made much progress. .. but for the most part I get lost in it ! -My favorite part is more so sound design than music as I have no former experience composing. For never having played an instrument, for never knowing how to sight read etc. I read an article on a VERY prestigious composer by the name of Hans Zimmer. He admits to not knowing how to play instruments or how to read music for that matter... or at least in the beginning. yo pick up things... learn them by habit.
This week is your 25th Bry- but you're a zombie now so, alls you have to worry about is rotting really. I guess you might have to worry about eating the brains of your new friends boyfriend too.. no matter how much of a good idea it sounds like at the moment. Really though, I am not a fan of the aging process, majority aren't but I reserve my own special reasons. I feel that this is the first of many years that I am finally reaching for things that I want and need to get done... even when in apathy or melancholy I'm still crawling. But the fear is doesn't lie with the aging... that's inevitable. It's with the rush to catch up with myself and where I want to be for my age. I spent many years barricaded and stagnant. Now I'm just barricaded ;p. I often think about how I would feel about myself from a younger age. What I mean is How would I view me at age 8? A decade ago? Would they feel that I held true? Did I live up to what I believed to want. Ideas and concepts of self are always shifting.. always evolving with our bodies. Somehow though, I always know what and who I am to be.. When you're younger it's easier to let that be. When I knew various things about myself that I wanted ... still want. I knew I wanted nipple rings... check... I knew I wanted eye contacts- check. I knew I loved pale skin and petite bodies, tattoos, colored hair, and Halloween. To a degree my life has felt like one big day. that's why my long term memory is vast... many points in the past I can remember the most random of details, and how I felt during them. I've had feelings I always have ever since I can remember. Of course there are the many ailments that came with 24 for me.
But 25 is generally a good year I hear. I hear between the ages of 25 and 26 men are supposed to have fully developed brains. Which helps solidify most ideals, and concepts... or make them harder to shrug off, good and bad I guess. Organization is supposed to become better along with other executive functions. I have been feeling these things grow in myself. Adoration.
Last Paragraph.
this month escapes me... I love it... but it is fleeting. It doesn't feel like it normally does for me. Not in a bad sense.. not at all. Just a calm. I'm actually a little more entertained by Dia De Los Muertos - the Spanish variant of Halloween- celebrating the sweet shortness of life in vibrant color and togetherness just beautiful. this weekend is Halloweekends and a day with Mi Madre. Good stuff, and the next Maybe pumpkins with a friend. Then the art show. yup that's my Halloween. Oh and I might go to a nudist place again once more before fall is through. I will get myself a couple of gifts... because I know what I want... probably some more music software, and a random nick knack.
October <B
Last weekend- with the kids- was... GREAT lol. The one that could talk kept on saying how much fun she was having. I died on sugar and was resurrected only by my will till learn electronic music score.
_ZomBry_
that's about it really... that and practicing- testing new things- researching- listening- looking for the advice and stories of those I look up to. I've gotten significantly better all ready... very little acquired from my current music class but... I tend to learn things at my own rate... I learn far better through hands on trial and errors more than anything. My eyes glaze over the more I have to listen and not do. I'm getting the habit of practicing every day- it's becoming as vital as my work outs for me. I get fairly antsy if I don't do it or feel I have not made much progress. .. but for the most part I get lost in it ! -My favorite part is more so sound design than music as I have no former experience composing. For never having played an instrument, for never knowing how to sight read etc. I read an article on a VERY prestigious composer by the name of Hans Zimmer. He admits to not knowing how to play instruments or how to read music for that matter... or at least in the beginning. yo pick up things... learn them by habit.
This week is your 25th Bry- but you're a zombie now so, alls you have to worry about is rotting really. I guess you might have to worry about eating the brains of your new friends boyfriend too.. no matter how much of a good idea it sounds like at the moment. Really though, I am not a fan of the aging process, majority aren't but I reserve my own special reasons. I feel that this is the first of many years that I am finally reaching for things that I want and need to get done... even when in apathy or melancholy I'm still crawling. But the fear is doesn't lie with the aging... that's inevitable. It's with the rush to catch up with myself and where I want to be for my age. I spent many years barricaded and stagnant. Now I'm just barricaded ;p. I often think about how I would feel about myself from a younger age. What I mean is How would I view me at age 8? A decade ago? Would they feel that I held true? Did I live up to what I believed to want. Ideas and concepts of self are always shifting.. always evolving with our bodies. Somehow though, I always know what and who I am to be.. When you're younger it's easier to let that be. When I knew various things about myself that I wanted ... still want. I knew I wanted nipple rings... check... I knew I wanted eye contacts- check. I knew I loved pale skin and petite bodies, tattoos, colored hair, and Halloween. To a degree my life has felt like one big day. that's why my long term memory is vast... many points in the past I can remember the most random of details, and how I felt during them. I've had feelings I always have ever since I can remember. Of course there are the many ailments that came with 24 for me.
But 25 is generally a good year I hear. I hear between the ages of 25 and 26 men are supposed to have fully developed brains. Which helps solidify most ideals, and concepts... or make them harder to shrug off, good and bad I guess. Organization is supposed to become better along with other executive functions. I have been feeling these things grow in myself. Adoration.
Last Paragraph.
this month escapes me... I love it... but it is fleeting. It doesn't feel like it normally does for me. Not in a bad sense.. not at all. Just a calm. I'm actually a little more entertained by Dia De Los Muertos - the Spanish variant of Halloween- celebrating the sweet shortness of life in vibrant color and togetherness just beautiful. this weekend is Halloweekends and a day with Mi Madre. Good stuff, and the next Maybe pumpkins with a friend. Then the art show. yup that's my Halloween. Oh and I might go to a nudist place again once more before fall is through. I will get myself a couple of gifts... because I know what I want... probably some more music software, and a random nick knack.
October <B
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Gabba Gabba gay (warning mentions [lots of] puking)
I love the RAMONES R.I.P all of you...
Oh mannnnn! So talk about my favorite movie monster (Frankenstein) I need to be patched up like every five seconds... That long awaited visit to the eye doctor... was unsuccessful. My eye started hurting in the middle of the day this time, which had never before happened on Wednesday.... Yesterday it hurt to move my eye and I was highly sensitive to light... So I took some Norco (on an empty stomach... ). This had messed me up in addition to my eye... I was all sorts of tilting and what not... let me tell you I can't remember the last time I've puked in public... But I did on the eye doctor bathroom floor... luckily i did not get any on me... then I would have had to make that walk of shame and the cab driver might have not been too happy... eeep. I also puked 3 times in the mall bathroom, and almost missed my ride. When I got home, I took a nap hoping this would take away some of what ailed me... It made it worse somehow. So, the boyfriend mentioned (I'm assuming half kidding) that I go to the emergency room. We did just that and were there till slightly after 1 Am... It was so bad that I needed my guy to direct me around like ray charles. I had a rag pressed over my eyes... it nauseated me to see light. I tried to look for like one minute when entering the hospital... Apparently right upon entering the door I puked... And nearly on the security guard... That would have been a sroty, ... it still probably is lol. But the told me I have something called Iritis (Eye-ritis) It's essentially this infection.... But what it does, is it constricts a very specific part of the eye (the iris) It wasn't doing its job that's why my eye hurt in the light. So my night ended at about 2 after I ate a subway pizza- Hey! I Threw up everything I ate yesterday!
Today I get to go to the regular doc and mention my new issue as well as asking her if I have Sleep acid reflux for my dentist's knowledge. THEN I have to go get my new perscription which only has a name brand, so even with insurance it's $134... gross. Then tomorrow I have another eye doc follow up ... and then I see my dentist on tuesday... Is this an indication of what 25 is going to be for me? The docs were asking me all of these questions and again were pretty surprised at how healthy I am... It's like "hey, I play by the rules, leave me alone health issues". On the bright side, going to the other side of town allows me to pick up a comic I wanted to grab yesterday, I mean I'll be right there- so why not? Always gotta look up.
For instance it's pretty evident that I'm not going to be able to wear one of the most important aesthetics of my costume... which means some money was wasted.... But I didn't despair, this morning when I worked out I came up with other options that involved no eye make up of contacts. I'm not nearly as thrilled with them as the original but hey. One, I could just be a sort of indian. The other option does not compromise the husky concept. I could get a mask and either paint it.. or I could find a mask that is dog like. If i paint my own husky face- I can take some bright blue nylon mesh and attach it behind the eyes that way the eye idea is still there and I can see :D. I think I'm going with that one so far.
It seems as though the weather is slowly starting to stick. Already next weekend it will be time to make treats ^_^. So far I've got candy apples and cake pops as Ideas. I just made cake pops and I am really happy with how they turned out... I didn't coat them but they still turned out great. They were pumpkin candy corn. I'll have to play a =round with some other combination ideas before next weekend . This weekend is still up in the air... Hopefully some decorating that I need help with and the cider mill, maybe see my friend, she seems like she wants to? lol Have to wait and see. Well, time to get started lol! <B
Oh mannnnn! So talk about my favorite movie monster (Frankenstein) I need to be patched up like every five seconds... That long awaited visit to the eye doctor... was unsuccessful. My eye started hurting in the middle of the day this time, which had never before happened on Wednesday.... Yesterday it hurt to move my eye and I was highly sensitive to light... So I took some Norco (on an empty stomach... ). This had messed me up in addition to my eye... I was all sorts of tilting and what not... let me tell you I can't remember the last time I've puked in public... But I did on the eye doctor bathroom floor... luckily i did not get any on me... then I would have had to make that walk of shame and the cab driver might have not been too happy... eeep. I also puked 3 times in the mall bathroom, and almost missed my ride. When I got home, I took a nap hoping this would take away some of what ailed me... It made it worse somehow. So, the boyfriend mentioned (I'm assuming half kidding) that I go to the emergency room. We did just that and were there till slightly after 1 Am... It was so bad that I needed my guy to direct me around like ray charles. I had a rag pressed over my eyes... it nauseated me to see light. I tried to look for like one minute when entering the hospital... Apparently right upon entering the door I puked... And nearly on the security guard... That would have been a sroty, ... it still probably is lol. But the told me I have something called Iritis (Eye-ritis) It's essentially this infection.... But what it does, is it constricts a very specific part of the eye (the iris) It wasn't doing its job that's why my eye hurt in the light. So my night ended at about 2 after I ate a subway pizza- Hey! I Threw up everything I ate yesterday!
Today I get to go to the regular doc and mention my new issue as well as asking her if I have Sleep acid reflux for my dentist's knowledge. THEN I have to go get my new perscription which only has a name brand, so even with insurance it's $134... gross. Then tomorrow I have another eye doc follow up ... and then I see my dentist on tuesday... Is this an indication of what 25 is going to be for me? The docs were asking me all of these questions and again were pretty surprised at how healthy I am... It's like "hey, I play by the rules, leave me alone health issues". On the bright side, going to the other side of town allows me to pick up a comic I wanted to grab yesterday, I mean I'll be right there- so why not? Always gotta look up.
For instance it's pretty evident that I'm not going to be able to wear one of the most important aesthetics of my costume... which means some money was wasted.... But I didn't despair, this morning when I worked out I came up with other options that involved no eye make up of contacts. I'm not nearly as thrilled with them as the original but hey. One, I could just be a sort of indian. The other option does not compromise the husky concept. I could get a mask and either paint it.. or I could find a mask that is dog like. If i paint my own husky face- I can take some bright blue nylon mesh and attach it behind the eyes that way the eye idea is still there and I can see :D. I think I'm going with that one so far.
It seems as though the weather is slowly starting to stick. Already next weekend it will be time to make treats ^_^. So far I've got candy apples and cake pops as Ideas. I just made cake pops and I am really happy with how they turned out... I didn't coat them but they still turned out great. They were pumpkin candy corn. I'll have to play a =round with some other combination ideas before next weekend . This weekend is still up in the air... Hopefully some decorating that I need help with and the cider mill, maybe see my friend, she seems like she wants to? lol Have to wait and see. Well, time to get started lol! <B
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Frosting train
WOOT WOOT!
It's been a week, I've been floating around here and there... not particularly doing anything. I have not heard back from the sex place lol. School has been good though lol. With the strange exception of a new potential friend that I cannot hang out with due to a jealous boyfriend? An excuse, or a jerk of a guy... I don't know really. Ummm I had my first publishing, and reading in the same week... needless to say I was like a cat in the rain.... (cats hate water, so the image I have is that the cat is happy to be outside, but is really looking to get to safety.) It was good enough to get published but it was a small victory only in a school chapbook. I was reading and have published work that I saw as sub par.... that's it! I'm only going to use the "big guns" in the way of writing. People told me it was good and what not. I'm not discrediting what is good when I tell you. I'm not happy with it. In my opinion, all of my greatest inspiring artists will be pretty point blank about their art. these poems were not my best work... Only one of them was semi- thought provoking and inspiring. I want to give back to the people like myself out there. I want to find them and give them what the artists I adore have given me. Regardless of what I've eaten, what I've done, or haven't done yet- I need to be there for myself. I really need to start diving into the words (interviews and writings of) my artists... because they push me, and inspire me about as much... if not more to get my feet racing... I'm already moving at a sprint compared to years passed. This year has been great- it's not over yet but I am calculating what next year will be for me. If I do not have my poetry published twice more... I'll last aim for my own book being published... the final step will be the reach for self publishing.
Wow that was a lot heavier than I anticipated it to be! However, I do feel it to be uplifting so that's good.
Yeah, I'm anticipating on next year- but I'm trying hard to stop depending on tomorrow.
I had my dear friend at the poetry event... Which made me very proud... I always thought she would be there should something like this finally happen. Thank you :).
So I've indulged in much frosting... Tsk tsk. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying I have a vigilant eye atm. Trying to live not entirely through my eyes, my head, or my heart... but all of them... it's hard not being over thoughtful, over feel, over aesthetic. [negative thought omitted] This week will be medicinal. Tomorrow I see the eye doctor, my counselor, and my support group. The following day, my regular doctor, and the day succeeding that I will be seeing the dentist. I've worked so hard to cement things this year both mentally physically and emotionally. So cheers to that- Stay with me there's on more paragraph.
Bry... BRY wake up! It's Autumn (though you'd not entirely know it) and tomorrow is your month!!!! HAIL HAIL! (felt right it was lyrics from a song I'm listening to) This weekend is the cider mill, then, treats with the midgets, then I'm another year older.
"Is this the year we get our rocket launcher arm attachment for our arm?"
"No... that's next year"
"Makes sense that's when I'll need it"
Who knows if there is anything before or in between crossing the fingers right now. I am going to start pushing myself into society (Necto monday mainly) I need to relinquish my fear and distrust of the world. I dart back in forth between seeing trust as an opening in my the lightweight armor I wear.
You can't be throwing grenades if you want people to know you're a nice person . I can easily share myself with girls... but for the boys, my one man army is on a hair trigger.... Reconcile this Bry, somehow... reconcile <B
It's been a week, I've been floating around here and there... not particularly doing anything. I have not heard back from the sex place lol. School has been good though lol. With the strange exception of a new potential friend that I cannot hang out with due to a jealous boyfriend? An excuse, or a jerk of a guy... I don't know really. Ummm I had my first publishing, and reading in the same week... needless to say I was like a cat in the rain.... (cats hate water, so the image I have is that the cat is happy to be outside, but is really looking to get to safety.) It was good enough to get published but it was a small victory only in a school chapbook. I was reading and have published work that I saw as sub par.... that's it! I'm only going to use the "big guns" in the way of writing. People told me it was good and what not. I'm not discrediting what is good when I tell you. I'm not happy with it. In my opinion, all of my greatest inspiring artists will be pretty point blank about their art. these poems were not my best work... Only one of them was semi- thought provoking and inspiring. I want to give back to the people like myself out there. I want to find them and give them what the artists I adore have given me. Regardless of what I've eaten, what I've done, or haven't done yet- I need to be there for myself. I really need to start diving into the words (interviews and writings of) my artists... because they push me, and inspire me about as much... if not more to get my feet racing... I'm already moving at a sprint compared to years passed. This year has been great- it's not over yet but I am calculating what next year will be for me. If I do not have my poetry published twice more... I'll last aim for my own book being published... the final step will be the reach for self publishing.
Wow that was a lot heavier than I anticipated it to be! However, I do feel it to be uplifting so that's good.
Yeah, I'm anticipating on next year- but I'm trying hard to stop depending on tomorrow.
I had my dear friend at the poetry event... Which made me very proud... I always thought she would be there should something like this finally happen. Thank you :).
So I've indulged in much frosting... Tsk tsk. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying I have a vigilant eye atm. Trying to live not entirely through my eyes, my head, or my heart... but all of them... it's hard not being over thoughtful, over feel, over aesthetic. [negative thought omitted] This week will be medicinal. Tomorrow I see the eye doctor, my counselor, and my support group. The following day, my regular doctor, and the day succeeding that I will be seeing the dentist. I've worked so hard to cement things this year both mentally physically and emotionally. So cheers to that- Stay with me there's on more paragraph.
Bry... BRY wake up! It's Autumn (though you'd not entirely know it) and tomorrow is your month!!!! HAIL HAIL! (felt right it was lyrics from a song I'm listening to) This weekend is the cider mill, then, treats with the midgets, then I'm another year older.
"Is this the year we get our rocket launcher arm attachment for our arm?"
"No... that's next year"
"Makes sense that's when I'll need it"
Who knows if there is anything before or in between crossing the fingers right now. I am going to start pushing myself into society (Necto monday mainly) I need to relinquish my fear and distrust of the world. I dart back in forth between seeing trust as an opening in my the lightweight armor I wear.
You can't be throwing grenades if you want people to know you're a nice person . I can easily share myself with girls... but for the boys, my one man army is on a hair trigger.... Reconcile this Bry, somehow... reconcile <B
Sunday, September 21, 2014
0p3r8
I really should read the last blog I post before I catch up!
School is good...
Halloween plans are closer to being finalized... I know that the Bf and I are about to go to the apple orchard next weekend. the weekend after that is the day with the midgets, (BF's niece and nephew) So we'll make some Halloween treats watch some inspiring movies, and head to Greenfield village. this Day will be as much for me as it will be for them. Weekend after that I am at age 25. I don't mind my age- no. What I do mind is the precious time that I have left and what I want to accomplish before that bell tolls. Anyway,s I'll be going out to Halloweekends for that...I might even go on the rides... I mean after all this season is one of, horror, wonder, and creativity. The haunted parts won't scare me lol. Ummm And We might be going to this art gallery thing which would also take care of the art trip I have to take for class and do a paper on. Our H-Day Decorations have also started to appear :D.
Costume- the trial with the latex... a bit... of a failure... I ended up (despite every sense of danger I felt) tried to apply it over my eye... Careful as I was it still leaked into my eye... over the contact... My eye was (thankfully fine) but I had to get new contacts... Not knowing wha to do about the make-up I had to make my journey to Sephora yesterday to get some Make-up... $100 dollars later, mission accomplished. I got some new contacts coming in soon, which actually happened to look way better than the original. I still have to by a tight tech shirt to cover my mid section. this costume will be the most in depth I'll go costume wise for quite a while... I have spent at least $300 dollars on it... And for that I must work hard to make it look like $300! That being said, I am not wearing this particular costume around the small ones for fear of it getting ruined. I will be something that I already have components for. The working ideas are a ghost, Jack Frost, a scarecrow, A doll, clown, or a skeleton... Surprisingly (I have only been one of these before.
I've been bobbing up and down from my personal attacking... I've not been tearing at myself just working on the much discussed fine tuning. I think I will Reconnect to some social media... Just put a narrow path on it as I originally had... Only use tumblr and others as outlets for whatever I feel. I would just have my blogs on tumblr but... I can't customize as freely and... Why would the people I attract by my creations and interests want to go through these? Well, I'm off to do no good. <B
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
dead skin
Okay, I said I'd be chipper. Fake- It- Till -yamakeit # bad muthafucka. But yeah this last weekend felt really good starting out with the said haunted garage sale. This was a gathering formed by a crew I never knew existed called the Motor City Haunt Club. After all this time scouting for other like beings... I found some gathered under one roof rejoicing in orange and black. There was a mixture of both purchased and custom made products. I got a couple of things. I got some mini figures of Ash from Evil Dead, Chucky, and Sammy from Trick R Treat- he is my favorite! And, he like Ash, were the last available! Sammy is mainly my favorite because he the film he is from made him a very distinct face of Halloween for me... He's menacing and adorable. I also got a Nosferatu poster- which is pretty great due to seeing that for my first time last year with a live organ being played in the background. The deathbird's song sings. Due to the weird feeling I've been having though... I didn't take from the experience what I should have... I was still highly guarded and even then couldn't make sense of it. But I least I've joined the group. ^_^
The birthday party for the BF's niece was really cute. I spoke to most everyone ... after some Angry orchard.. probably couldn't have done it otherwise. I ate so much... sugar and white bread lol. I'm not condemning myself for it though. good. This was a really great weekend.
Still pacing around my head on the right next steps to take... don't want to make a side-step on a narrow path by accident... likewise, I don' want to underestimate any heights I could fall from. that's all I'll say about that because I'm tired of talking about it... I have to deal with it. I'll do what I must.
the new Celldweller album is awesome (as expected) the lyrics to the song "Lost in Time" resonate EXACTLY with what I'm thinking about lately.
" A problem im not solving
Eternally revolving
I wandered from the pathway
Praying you will come to save me
I feel lost in time
but if I wait for direction my lifetime will pass me by
I feel lost in time
I think if live for forever this feeling will never die"
<B
Monday, September 15, 2014
Quite possible...
Anything, as long as you put your mind to it right?
"Where there's a will there's a way"... "All you have to do is want something, and then let yourself have it!! okay, so that last one was the grandmother from Halloween town explaining spells- SO WHAT?!? Same principle. I'm at a power struggle I am, I am!
What is it now Bry?!?! Identity. I've had a very flimsy definition of self- for ... forever really. All I know is I classify myself as different... a bit eccentric.. confused.. immature... kinda responsible? Point that I'm attempting to make is... How does one strive for their own path when they don't really know whose path they are looking for... and I don't want to pull my disorder card (but I will). Bi-polar messes with consistency.. if you know me you know this. This might be one of the many reasons I plant myself so deep into Halloween... it's all I know I have... at the end of highschool... I never payed mind to what came next... things kinda slid down the hill. But I did have plans and things I oddly enough did... I feed on constructive criticism... I keep biting dry sources. I tried to watch a video about HVAC by the way... B-o-R-i-N-g Maybe it's cuz I'm hands on? idk... All I know is I want to make some good choices now... Isn't life all about trade offs really?
Eat that cake- it's delicious... but there's the guilt. Oooo a pleasant sugar buzz too but no good. Relating to my epiphany.. I can choose the one I would snooze over work for someone, Know my day almost everyday... be exhausted- that's my interpretation of HVAC.
It's finer points are the fact I'd have a set structure.. which I do well with. I'd get vacations, weekends off... But then... I KNOW I'd always question what if about the music. I'm sure I'll do that in what ever direction I move but that's just how I am. Ponder...ponder...ponder. My gut is broken of late... can't follow it.
When I dropped out of High school... I knew I was going back that same year and graduating.. I felt like I was making a terrible mistake and I almost cried that day... But! I stuck to my plan... I just barely got accepted (the final class I needed had a last slot open..) but I achieved it.. I did this with a care free attitude and when people seemed shocked or worried that I bailed for those few months telling me "Make sure you go back" or "hope you know what's best for you". I Didn't care... I had a plan... and also, I had free time. Maybe the over analyzing is what's keeping me at a stalemate...
Unfortunately, the way I learn a (mass) majority of the time is through crash and burn. I've been getting better about reconfiguration of things... short term... heh.. THIS is why going on a long journey for a degree would kill me.... I've very nearly used the aid allotted for the certificates... I can imagine the circles I run in dialing up my loans if I didn't have a roof I'll hit soon.
So, I think I just have to live... it seemed to work before. Easier said than done. I mean could I be a writer? Is that even a valid option? ... random thought..
I've been dodgey of people due to being highly unsure of all of these things... which is sad cuz I want to show people how cool I can be. I keep meeting people who are gifted... or have their things... their talents... I... don't know what I'm good at... I have a tot's attention span... the soul of a jaded old man, the heart of a child, I'm pretty sure my brain is just this weird mixed media soup, and the curiosity of a cat. I have no clue what my calling is these things considered. I can write and kind of make music... But that's all I am really good at...
As much as I want to float and say that everything will meld.. like I did with school... My defenses are hair triggered. Maybe I should lay back... thinking about this all day everyday... trying to burn both ends of the candle... new blog soon.. more light-hearted... involving my membership to the motor city haunt club, the halloween garage sale, my new friend, and more <B
"Where there's a will there's a way"... "All you have to do is want something, and then let yourself have it!! okay, so that last one was the grandmother from Halloween town explaining spells- SO WHAT?!? Same principle. I'm at a power struggle I am, I am!
What is it now Bry?!?! Identity. I've had a very flimsy definition of self- for ... forever really. All I know is I classify myself as different... a bit eccentric.. confused.. immature... kinda responsible? Point that I'm attempting to make is... How does one strive for their own path when they don't really know whose path they are looking for... and I don't want to pull my disorder card (but I will). Bi-polar messes with consistency.. if you know me you know this. This might be one of the many reasons I plant myself so deep into Halloween... it's all I know I have... at the end of highschool... I never payed mind to what came next... things kinda slid down the hill. But I did have plans and things I oddly enough did... I feed on constructive criticism... I keep biting dry sources. I tried to watch a video about HVAC by the way... B-o-R-i-N-g Maybe it's cuz I'm hands on? idk... All I know is I want to make some good choices now... Isn't life all about trade offs really?
Eat that cake- it's delicious... but there's the guilt. Oooo a pleasant sugar buzz too but no good. Relating to my epiphany.. I can choose the one I would snooze over work for someone, Know my day almost everyday... be exhausted- that's my interpretation of HVAC.
It's finer points are the fact I'd have a set structure.. which I do well with. I'd get vacations, weekends off... But then... I KNOW I'd always question what if about the music. I'm sure I'll do that in what ever direction I move but that's just how I am. Ponder...ponder...ponder. My gut is broken of late... can't follow it.
When I dropped out of High school... I knew I was going back that same year and graduating.. I felt like I was making a terrible mistake and I almost cried that day... But! I stuck to my plan... I just barely got accepted (the final class I needed had a last slot open..) but I achieved it.. I did this with a care free attitude and when people seemed shocked or worried that I bailed for those few months telling me "Make sure you go back" or "hope you know what's best for you". I Didn't care... I had a plan... and also, I had free time. Maybe the over analyzing is what's keeping me at a stalemate...
Unfortunately, the way I learn a (mass) majority of the time is through crash and burn. I've been getting better about reconfiguration of things... short term... heh.. THIS is why going on a long journey for a degree would kill me.... I've very nearly used the aid allotted for the certificates... I can imagine the circles I run in dialing up my loans if I didn't have a roof I'll hit soon.
So, I think I just have to live... it seemed to work before. Easier said than done. I mean could I be a writer? Is that even a valid option? ... random thought..
I've been dodgey of people due to being highly unsure of all of these things... which is sad cuz I want to show people how cool I can be. I keep meeting people who are gifted... or have their things... their talents... I... don't know what I'm good at... I have a tot's attention span... the soul of a jaded old man, the heart of a child, I'm pretty sure my brain is just this weird mixed media soup, and the curiosity of a cat. I have no clue what my calling is these things considered. I can write and kind of make music... But that's all I am really good at...
As much as I want to float and say that everything will meld.. like I did with school... My defenses are hair triggered. Maybe I should lay back... thinking about this all day everyday... trying to burn both ends of the candle... new blog soon.. more light-hearted... involving my membership to the motor city haunt club, the halloween garage sale, my new friend, and more <B
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Such a tease
COME'ON!!! I'm already indecisive!
I woke up up today a little grumpy... let's just say it's appearance anger lol. Hey, it happens. Got a lot done within the last 7 hours. I did my exercising, and then I tore into it. I checked into craigslist and found a potential job at Wiard's as a monster for the haunted attraction "Horror Nights". Indecision strikes again... Something I want to taste...yet it cock blocks 2 of the things I've been after all year. Halloweekends.. and potentially the Halloween greenfield village with the kids... So, I'll weigh everything out and I'll just go through the motions. I'll go, I'll apply and see how flexible theey are, perhaps I can have my birthday weekend off? At least my birthday? We'll see I might only be able to make the weekends (excluding friday) anyways as the horror begins at 7:15pm. I don't drive, and the bf doesn't get home usually till about an hour before.
I also found about about the haunted garage sale this weekend in Bellville... OMG! I can find some people who get me... good, great! ^_^ It seems like it organized by some people called the Motor City Haunt Club. Maybe I can join? So what's the biggest part of the day regarding said indecision? Well I was doing the research over the fields I could potentially study... Looking at my first pick, the Audio engineer, and the HVACR I saw something interesting... they are about on the same level of pay, and need. I took a look at something I never saw on my schools site. The information it gives is the percentage of students surveyed who said that they found jobs, and both were at 100% Engineering said that they found work within 180 days. HVACR said they found work within 100 days. Now... I'm a little skeptical of either move. Both seem to be on the same level. Both have the same potential for downfall. Oy Vey. <B
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
At the end of an empire..
^_^ Fangirling!!!
Well, due to preordering the new Celldweller album I just got the free download of the single from it!!! It's very different, more rock oriented than the last it seems... but with a name like End of an Empire... it's not gonna sound like a dance album.
This weekend was pretty F---- awesome. Didn't do too much but it was really nice. There was a lot of food involved as many other peoples. There was alcohol... last time I drank was... a month and a half ago. So, my drinking isn't very prevalent. Ummm, I haven't used ketchup in about a week believe it or not... barely using condiments... using the hell out of deli mustard... which it like 1/3 as bad for me as ketchup. Got some caramel apples... new cologne shaped like a skull. FINALLY got some eye liner too, so I can now do more test runs for my husky make-up. After all, October is only a month away!!! Have you seen all of the displays and the caramel apples... I saw an open orchard... Yes, it's true... And, since I check the weather religiously it says that this is the last week that will feel like summer. I just came...
Health wise this weekend has been good. I've been pretty alive and alert I feel... It could be the sugar I was ingesting or!... I bumped my wake time to 7am... Not only does that feel more natural for me... but I feel better throughout the day. I had a couple of dizzy spells ... but I don't know why... I ate everything all day for the entire weekend... I only drink water and plenty of it so... I'm not dehydrated. Odd. Today, I get to go to the best class I have ever taken so far! This is going to be pretty great. You need a little something everyday I feel to help push you along... Or I do I at least.. I need some positive things for my day to go well. I get excited about going, I come back all excited that I'm learning more. I've made some very wise decisions this weekend. I figure I'll go for one certificate at a time! Why not?? because first off, it'd be a little less confusing and that way I could be taking classes that interlock and I could easily get one certificate out of the way by going full time every semester. I have to fight to live beyond my upbringings. The one thing that I love... is I may quit for a minute or two... but I never stop thinking... and I'm persistent. I guess that's two heh. ALSO! I think I'm going to not go for the comic idea just yet... I think I'm going to work on writing the story see where that goes, if someone will publish it, or if I have to etc. So, I don't lose all of my other ideas I decided to just work on them all sporadically, as they all are some extension of me... some projects are bound to pull more from you than others... you'll never know unless you give them all fair chance rather than... no... just working on this.... I also feel this is how a lot of writers, musicians, and other people who put stuff out rather quickly do it... Is they were in the process of working on this or that before their last work was put out for the public.... So, let try it!
WEEEHHOOOOOO!! It's time for things I'm looking forward to!
There are surprisingly a lot more this month than I would have believed! To kick things off, Tonight's episode of faceoff is going to be the competition of the judges!!! Badass!!!! Next, I start drivers training the same days that are seemingly going to sail off into the cool depths of the fall. Then Next Tuesday.. is a full moon!!! Then over the weekend more training and my boyfriend's niece's princess themed birthday party... I'm going to dress up... you know... as a prince ;p. Then... Celldweller's new album the following Tuesday. The next Tuesday is the Autumn equinox. The last Tuesday of this month is Gerard Way's solo album. I told you September is only a prelude to October. <B
Well, due to preordering the new Celldweller album I just got the free download of the single from it!!! It's very different, more rock oriented than the last it seems... but with a name like End of an Empire... it's not gonna sound like a dance album.
This weekend was pretty F---- awesome. Didn't do too much but it was really nice. There was a lot of food involved as many other peoples. There was alcohol... last time I drank was... a month and a half ago. So, my drinking isn't very prevalent. Ummm, I haven't used ketchup in about a week believe it or not... barely using condiments... using the hell out of deli mustard... which it like 1/3 as bad for me as ketchup. Got some caramel apples... new cologne shaped like a skull. FINALLY got some eye liner too, so I can now do more test runs for my husky make-up. After all, October is only a month away!!! Have you seen all of the displays and the caramel apples... I saw an open orchard... Yes, it's true... And, since I check the weather religiously it says that this is the last week that will feel like summer. I just came...
Health wise this weekend has been good. I've been pretty alive and alert I feel... It could be the sugar I was ingesting or!... I bumped my wake time to 7am... Not only does that feel more natural for me... but I feel better throughout the day. I had a couple of dizzy spells ... but I don't know why... I ate everything all day for the entire weekend... I only drink water and plenty of it so... I'm not dehydrated. Odd. Today, I get to go to the best class I have ever taken so far! This is going to be pretty great. You need a little something everyday I feel to help push you along... Or I do I at least.. I need some positive things for my day to go well. I get excited about going, I come back all excited that I'm learning more. I've made some very wise decisions this weekend. I figure I'll go for one certificate at a time! Why not?? because first off, it'd be a little less confusing and that way I could be taking classes that interlock and I could easily get one certificate out of the way by going full time every semester. I have to fight to live beyond my upbringings. The one thing that I love... is I may quit for a minute or two... but I never stop thinking... and I'm persistent. I guess that's two heh. ALSO! I think I'm going to not go for the comic idea just yet... I think I'm going to work on writing the story see where that goes, if someone will publish it, or if I have to etc. So, I don't lose all of my other ideas I decided to just work on them all sporadically, as they all are some extension of me... some projects are bound to pull more from you than others... you'll never know unless you give them all fair chance rather than... no... just working on this.... I also feel this is how a lot of writers, musicians, and other people who put stuff out rather quickly do it... Is they were in the process of working on this or that before their last work was put out for the public.... So, let try it!
WEEEHHOOOOOO!! It's time for things I'm looking forward to!
There are surprisingly a lot more this month than I would have believed! To kick things off, Tonight's episode of faceoff is going to be the competition of the judges!!! Badass!!!! Next, I start drivers training the same days that are seemingly going to sail off into the cool depths of the fall. Then Next Tuesday.. is a full moon!!! Then over the weekend more training and my boyfriend's niece's princess themed birthday party... I'm going to dress up... you know... as a prince ;p. Then... Celldweller's new album the following Tuesday. The next Tuesday is the Autumn equinox. The last Tuesday of this month is Gerard Way's solo album. I told you September is only a prelude to October. <B
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Ozone Coffee
It's out of this world. puh... that is an over used space pun if I ever heard one!
Yesterday... OH I'm gonna punch that nagging negativity that keeps rising up ... punch it square in the balls and then pour salt in it's eyes. Yesterday was good enough in the first half but man... when I hit that outside world my attitude plummeted. I've been very intro-verty.. Avoiding eye contact... being the only one of a classroom, or group to not laugh... I think that I'm pulling into my little hermit shell because silly things. Intro-verty won't cut it with making new friends lol. I got over it by eating my feelings. But it wasn't all too bad. Besides I got creative with it... I wanted something sweet and all I had available to me was a packet of hot cocoa mix... Not wanting hot cocoa... I thought hmmm. I went for the all natural peanut butter and mixed it kind of making this weird peanut butter cup frosting. It was rather delicious.
Today, Is fair enough no complaints, Kind of cool and breezy, sunny day... A holiday weekend in my midst, and a lot of ideas, of things to do and see and the like. I want to go to guitar center for their big sale to maybe get a better functioning audio system. I want to go to this mysterious and shady little coffee shop I found a hint of when I went to pick up my fizz water. No, literally - there was a sign saying "Secret Coffee" with a little hand pointing in the direction of the back of building. ... It's an addition to this wine and bakery... so maybe it's worth checking out. And being one of the first customers has it's advantages you know... I love under ground things..I also want to go to this store right beside it Called Ozone Music. I've been intrigued by it for the 4 months we've lived here...but never got to it... Feeding off of the positive vibes of my new class I am super curious. Going to My boyfriend's sisters this weekend. OOOO and I have this awesome Idea! I found some top 100 Halloween movie lists online. I thought it would be fun that when my boyfriend and I are bored we could watch the movie in correspondence to how many days are left till the big H. (I know when I talk it makes perfect sense to me but not everyone so, I'll explain). Tonight there are 63 days till Halloween thus, we'd watch number 63 on the list. Screw all of the T.V. stations and their 31 days or even worse... 13 DAYS of Halloween... that's all fine and good. But don't they understand that September is but a prelude.
What's on the agenda? tinkering with my music, some writing, some taxing phone calls to caseworkers, optometrists, a little painting, and some cleaning. Later I get some Sprat paint.. because I'm impatient like that and While I could say... "Well, I painted all of this by hand... Sure it took some time but... It taught me what it means to be a man..." I'd rather save the life lesson speech for grandpas.
<B
Yesterday... OH I'm gonna punch that nagging negativity that keeps rising up ... punch it square in the balls and then pour salt in it's eyes. Yesterday was good enough in the first half but man... when I hit that outside world my attitude plummeted. I've been very intro-verty.. Avoiding eye contact... being the only one of a classroom, or group to not laugh... I think that I'm pulling into my little hermit shell because silly things. Intro-verty won't cut it with making new friends lol. I got over it by eating my feelings. But it wasn't all too bad. Besides I got creative with it... I wanted something sweet and all I had available to me was a packet of hot cocoa mix... Not wanting hot cocoa... I thought hmmm. I went for the all natural peanut butter and mixed it kind of making this weird peanut butter cup frosting. It was rather delicious.
Today, Is fair enough no complaints, Kind of cool and breezy, sunny day... A holiday weekend in my midst, and a lot of ideas, of things to do and see and the like. I want to go to guitar center for their big sale to maybe get a better functioning audio system. I want to go to this mysterious and shady little coffee shop I found a hint of when I went to pick up my fizz water. No, literally - there was a sign saying "Secret Coffee" with a little hand pointing in the direction of the back of building. ... It's an addition to this wine and bakery... so maybe it's worth checking out. And being one of the first customers has it's advantages you know... I love under ground things..I also want to go to this store right beside it Called Ozone Music. I've been intrigued by it for the 4 months we've lived here...but never got to it... Feeding off of the positive vibes of my new class I am super curious. Going to My boyfriend's sisters this weekend. OOOO and I have this awesome Idea! I found some top 100 Halloween movie lists online. I thought it would be fun that when my boyfriend and I are bored we could watch the movie in correspondence to how many days are left till the big H. (I know when I talk it makes perfect sense to me but not everyone so, I'll explain). Tonight there are 63 days till Halloween thus, we'd watch number 63 on the list. Screw all of the T.V. stations and their 31 days or even worse... 13 DAYS of Halloween... that's all fine and good. But don't they understand that September is but a prelude.
What's on the agenda? tinkering with my music, some writing, some taxing phone calls to caseworkers, optometrists, a little painting, and some cleaning. Later I get some Sprat paint.. because I'm impatient like that and While I could say... "Well, I painted all of this by hand... Sure it took some time but... It taught me what it means to be a man..." I'd rather save the life lesson speech for grandpas.
<B
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Not too shabby
Title is BOOOORRRRINGGG!
But, hopefully the content is the contrary. Yesterday was the first day of the music programming and sequencing class. I must admit.. I've been doing something right the last couple of days. Whether it's waking up at six, the protein the fruits and veggies or what. But I have been more alert and willing to do things. I feel better than I have since school started back up for me on May. that's crazy, nearly 4 months! it was really cool feeling the interest and passion of like minded people. The teacher seems like the perfect guy to be instructing us, he's a laid back hippie type who is confident in his abilities to teach us. I understood all and everything he was saying for the most part.. my attention (as I will always say is small) was kept still.. locked into the lecture at hand... A LECTURE!? I was intently honed in on a lecture! Yeah, that big of a deal. I spoke with a couple of people in the class other than that I was the shy old Bry :p. The class happened before the storm.
Very literal there was a storm... with sheets of rain, the sky seemed like it was near dusk. it even made the power flicker two or 3 times. they had to go on back up gens.
Surprisingly, there's not much more to say, I'm going to the boyfriend's sister's house for labor day weekend, ummmmm this summer thing is extending itself way too far into September from the news reports at least, I'm taking it easier on myself with my projects... oddly making me a little more interested in them than I was before. Today for instance, I worked effortlessly 3 hours on playing around with my music - that was my goal originally. I had set myself into it with kind of a double mindset, that I'd give it half an hour to an hour... I became immersed. I only got a couple of quality things out of it mind you... but I'm still learning the ropes... everything else I have done up to this point is loop oriented.. I want to step out of that and use those things sparingly... like butter... or salt... So before I share anything else I need to be in what I feel to be a better place with it. When you're proud of something it shows and it's easier for others to follow.
At least one more paragraph cuz I like to do things in 3's. Walks are becoming really popular with me. They help me to ground myself and slow down. When I notice myself start to kick up my pace because of anxiety... I catch it and cool down. This is also the part where I gush about my first love... ever... Fall. Supposedly it will be coming to town sometime next week? I essentially have the schematics for it. That cute little event for the midgets (that's what I call kids) with the Halloween treats and Greenfield Village.. it's going to happen, Jeff's sis thinks it would be a really cool idea! That really makes me smile. <B
But, hopefully the content is the contrary. Yesterday was the first day of the music programming and sequencing class. I must admit.. I've been doing something right the last couple of days. Whether it's waking up at six, the protein the fruits and veggies or what. But I have been more alert and willing to do things. I feel better than I have since school started back up for me on May. that's crazy, nearly 4 months! it was really cool feeling the interest and passion of like minded people. The teacher seems like the perfect guy to be instructing us, he's a laid back hippie type who is confident in his abilities to teach us. I understood all and everything he was saying for the most part.. my attention (as I will always say is small) was kept still.. locked into the lecture at hand... A LECTURE!? I was intently honed in on a lecture! Yeah, that big of a deal. I spoke with a couple of people in the class other than that I was the shy old Bry :p. The class happened before the storm.
Very literal there was a storm... with sheets of rain, the sky seemed like it was near dusk. it even made the power flicker two or 3 times. they had to go on back up gens.
Surprisingly, there's not much more to say, I'm going to the boyfriend's sister's house for labor day weekend, ummmmm this summer thing is extending itself way too far into September from the news reports at least, I'm taking it easier on myself with my projects... oddly making me a little more interested in them than I was before. Today for instance, I worked effortlessly 3 hours on playing around with my music - that was my goal originally. I had set myself into it with kind of a double mindset, that I'd give it half an hour to an hour... I became immersed. I only got a couple of quality things out of it mind you... but I'm still learning the ropes... everything else I have done up to this point is loop oriented.. I want to step out of that and use those things sparingly... like butter... or salt... So before I share anything else I need to be in what I feel to be a better place with it. When you're proud of something it shows and it's easier for others to follow.
At least one more paragraph cuz I like to do things in 3's. Walks are becoming really popular with me. They help me to ground myself and slow down. When I notice myself start to kick up my pace because of anxiety... I catch it and cool down. This is also the part where I gush about my first love... ever... Fall. Supposedly it will be coming to town sometime next week? I essentially have the schematics for it. That cute little event for the midgets (that's what I call kids) with the Halloween treats and Greenfield Village.. it's going to happen, Jeff's sis thinks it would be a really cool idea! That really makes me smile. <B
Sunday, August 24, 2014
ookie cookie
XD heh. Well, here it is the day just before I go back to class. I'm nervous and excited. It means quite a bit really. It means I'm inching closer to my goals, in a couple of ways, for example, driving, certificates, and possibly even friends!!!! But, With the beginning fall semester that also sounds off the all eminent autumn, whether if feels like it or not. I mean it is going to catch up really quick. First week of class, then the first marker of the season (labor day) and it's festivities. Then Cedar point hopefully.. The the fall becoming official. Orchard, Chicago for my birthday weekend hopefully, and greenfield village (maybe). I'm really excited to go and see My boyfriend's niece and nephew. Not only are they adorable.. but I feel like family. It's really nice. We are going to have a Halloween snack and art day ^_^ maybe art... Idk if I can do both.. but we'lll see how it goes! I'm probably as excited to do that as I am all of the other things... In fact I just came up with a brilliant idea if it'll work I don't know. I think could be fun to have a little bit of a run with it day. See how things progress and if all goes well Maybe they could go to greenfield :) After all it is more for the wee ones anyways. :D The gravitation is amazing.
The doc went well, she thinks that I am doing extremely well in regards to health (even though I did slip up this weekend a bit heh.) But yeah, she said the dizziness and what not was due to have a boosted metabolism from all of the protein I have been picking up. So, she recommended getting some healthy carbs in there like fruits and dark greens and whole grains if I'm going to do breads which of course is a given. So, I'll give it a try!
As for my grogginess. She said that I am at a weird age. Apparently your mind stops it's development after physical growth. She told me that what's happening is apparently my mind is trying to stabilize more or less. So, she told me that at this age it is very hard to gauge the right amount of sleep needed to properly function. My plan of action is to play with the times a bit and see which works the best for me. Do a little bit of self research of course. My idea though, is to go to bed at the same time every night so I at least have that variable the same. Each week I will take note of waking up a half an hour later than the last.
Okay, let's say I've been waking up at 5:30, which I have been for like 3 months. I was getting progressively worse. So, this week I'm going to try 6am and rate each day on a scale of 1-3 when the week is over. I will collect my total. A total less than 7 is ineffective. A total between 7 and 14 is about the bare minimum. And 14 and up is where I want to be. I'll do this test all the way up to 8 am if I have to. Only 8 though because it's so wasteful to go beyond that.
Last part. FIGHT (mortal kombat reference)
I spoke with a side counselor about the lack of accomplishment I had been feeling which I knew had nothing to do with me being tired. and she said that what it sounds like is I'm really driven and just want to push myself harder and further than what I am ready for just yet. I gave it a metaphor like- "trying to lift a hundred pounds when 20 burns you out". Well- I was trying to practice my music stuff for a minimum of 3 hours a day... but the hours weren't divided or anything. I was trying to do marathons. My attention span would last an hour at best before I was just sitting at the screen with a bungee cord of spittle repelling from the side of my face. The woman (such a nice woman), she told me too that all things considered the choice that I have chosen to go with my set of friends is fairly justified. That in itself helped me greatly and now I'm not so ticked off that I have to contact them or feel that they're avoidant. So, I just have to find some new people and lay the ground work early. All of this, has really helped me to understand one of the greatest things to discover in a while though. It means I'm caring again. Actually paying attention to the outcomes and challenging the bad ones. Challenging bad situations as well as my own bad moves. Striving toward my best. Because when I fell restless like I'm missing something or feeling angry like I could be doing better... it usually means that I am doing things and I have thoughts and ideas I'm running toward that body has not caught up to. So, in other words... I'm doing what I need to but when I look at the things I'm not satisfied with what I've done yet. As I've said poetry is very much an instant gratification. - Speaking of that I get to go to this little outdoors reading for the "Green Anthology" I'm going to have my first publish in.
Nothing more to say than I've actually accomplished everything that I wanted to this year and little more... but I still want to get more out of it. It's cliche' sure, but there is no rest for the wicked.
<B
The doc went well, she thinks that I am doing extremely well in regards to health (even though I did slip up this weekend a bit heh.) But yeah, she said the dizziness and what not was due to have a boosted metabolism from all of the protein I have been picking up. So, she recommended getting some healthy carbs in there like fruits and dark greens and whole grains if I'm going to do breads which of course is a given. So, I'll give it a try!
As for my grogginess. She said that I am at a weird age. Apparently your mind stops it's development after physical growth. She told me that what's happening is apparently my mind is trying to stabilize more or less. So, she told me that at this age it is very hard to gauge the right amount of sleep needed to properly function. My plan of action is to play with the times a bit and see which works the best for me. Do a little bit of self research of course. My idea though, is to go to bed at the same time every night so I at least have that variable the same. Each week I will take note of waking up a half an hour later than the last.
Okay, let's say I've been waking up at 5:30, which I have been for like 3 months. I was getting progressively worse. So, this week I'm going to try 6am and rate each day on a scale of 1-3 when the week is over. I will collect my total. A total less than 7 is ineffective. A total between 7 and 14 is about the bare minimum. And 14 and up is where I want to be. I'll do this test all the way up to 8 am if I have to. Only 8 though because it's so wasteful to go beyond that.
Last part. FIGHT (mortal kombat reference)
I spoke with a side counselor about the lack of accomplishment I had been feeling which I knew had nothing to do with me being tired. and she said that what it sounds like is I'm really driven and just want to push myself harder and further than what I am ready for just yet. I gave it a metaphor like- "trying to lift a hundred pounds when 20 burns you out". Well- I was trying to practice my music stuff for a minimum of 3 hours a day... but the hours weren't divided or anything. I was trying to do marathons. My attention span would last an hour at best before I was just sitting at the screen with a bungee cord of spittle repelling from the side of my face. The woman (such a nice woman), she told me too that all things considered the choice that I have chosen to go with my set of friends is fairly justified. That in itself helped me greatly and now I'm not so ticked off that I have to contact them or feel that they're avoidant. So, I just have to find some new people and lay the ground work early. All of this, has really helped me to understand one of the greatest things to discover in a while though. It means I'm caring again. Actually paying attention to the outcomes and challenging the bad ones. Challenging bad situations as well as my own bad moves. Striving toward my best. Because when I fell restless like I'm missing something or feeling angry like I could be doing better... it usually means that I am doing things and I have thoughts and ideas I'm running toward that body has not caught up to. So, in other words... I'm doing what I need to but when I look at the things I'm not satisfied with what I've done yet. As I've said poetry is very much an instant gratification. - Speaking of that I get to go to this little outdoors reading for the "Green Anthology" I'm going to have my first publish in.
Nothing more to say than I've actually accomplished everything that I wanted to this year and little more... but I still want to get more out of it. It's cliche' sure, but there is no rest for the wicked.
<B
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