I'm hiding don't look!

.... what did I just say!?!?!

well, this is awkward.

I've been making video more so lately, I feel they give a little bit more character. I'll probably look back at them less, I don't know yet as I barely lt look back at my typed stuff. Unless they are super fond moments like the one August morning I had that was just super euphoric.

Sucked yesterday Because i really love what I had said... I know what I said, kind of but it is mute. OH No! 

It basically said that I am throwing myself at what I need to get done. There are two major things I am looking at and my day will revolve around those. They are: learning music and studying youtube videos and doing my own personal digging around. What sucks for the most part is I am off the radar. I don't have network connections or things of that nature yet so I have to start from scratch. I feel like many people in the biz for the market that i want to enter are a little older anyways so I'm not fretting too too much. As long as I work on it everyday for as long as I can I should learn... and grow and get closer to the dream. But there is a balance. I want and need to be around people.

The second thing to devote attention to is job seeking both traditional and not.

By now it's fairly evident that I'd rather be one behind the curtain than center stage. That being said, I feel the best job types for me would be stocking and or truck loading and unloading, always liked that aspect of my other jobs... I felt free compared to the rest of my peers. Didn't have to wear an apron, all I had to do was pull in our stock, take inventory, and put it away. simple and very little dealing with others. 

The video pretty much states that I have a nice mixture of seasonal affective disorder, bipolar, and social anxiety... so I crash faster than most in social situations. Probably due to my consistent lack of friends and confinement to my room. I want to if possible, find work inside of the house first. If not I'll venture to find aforementioned work behind the scenes. (random I spell aforementioned right but messed up spelling behind.)

I often times wonder if I welcome it or do it out of habit.. the whole room thing. But then I recall that tremendous itch I get to be outside.... uh oh. conflict of interest. I want to work with music and sounds and be in the digital world... and get to be outside!? hmmmm.

A lot of how I feel is a bit paradoxical in nature. So, a lot of times I have to kind of shrug and say... okay, whatever happens, happens. 

I also skipped the video today because I am wearing the same thing from yesterday. I tend to do that in the winter because no one knows I'm doing it... he he he >;)

So, job research and hunting, and sound research and hunting one thing is for sure...:

 (you should watch this episode of Adventure time by the way "Another way" is the title)

Suck at hide and seek

Yeah, I can't hide very well.

it's definitely needed in real life. Oddly enough, you need to be some degree of "fake" in the "real" world. I've always found the concept concerning. I've also find it odd how people let one aspect of themselves become the main presentation of them self ... which is not usually noticed by them...

Is it clear that I'm no entirely focused today? yep. Sho is. So, what I'm ultimately getting at is, that I like being able to be me, say what I want and whatever. there's a nagging sense of insincerity otherwise. I mean, I feel, for the most part that I can't-" just be "sometimes. (this is usually when I'm a bit down... which the winter is assisting me greatly with.) Example... In my classes ... it's so quiet and people really don't talk to each other. When I do I have major communication break downs... but they are guys, so there's that normal obstacle for me. I know we have common interests because of the class.. but it doesn't really extend into genres. So beyond wanting to create music... there's nothing... Do I say.... How bout that super plate sunday? Oh... yeah bowl... *awkwardly darts off*

When I do feel inclined to let me out... I just feel like a bass in a world of treble.. (I just learned that treble is easily absorbed by objects whereas bass cuts through.) I feel unstoppable.

It's very obvious at this point in time that I keep my eye on my actions. because that's the only way to stop and or fix something. I'm trying to listen to what my heart, head, and body say all at once. Everyone would be a little bit better, but the truth is one or two are often overlooked or locked up. People don't want to let out emotion, or people don't want to look dumb, or people push their physical limits until they crash... I'm trying to listen.... These three things I feel are a core basis of everything. Because everything starts with the individual.

Again, I have lost track.

But I guess not really. this entry is just a therapeutic remedy at the moment. I need to talk and hear myself so to speak. I've quick caffeine, rather I'm in the process of. I've been doing research on how to guard myself from old man winter's psychological attacks. Sapping energy, motivation, interest. I've read coffee as being good, and bad. Good because it helps stimulate happy parts of your brain. Bad because it is much like a drug, and you hit further down once the initial kick dies off. Which, is very tricky at this point in time. I can't have it. I've also began to listen to psybient, goa trance, and some other light variations of electronic music. I use it in the morning before I work out to just think. It's very good for thinking because it sounds nice and smooth and it's not over stimulating.

I had to back off from one of my classes... One I knew in the back of my head that I should never have taken, at least not this semester. trust yourself. I knew back then that, that specific class with my current frame of mind would be too cumbersome.

BUUUUT let's talk about some positive stuff now. I'm learning some cool stuff in class, I like my teachers. I feel I'm getting better but. I'm severely impatient and just want to be "there". Ummmm It's almost Valentine's day (my 2nd favorite holiday) and that is right after, ... FRIDAY THE 13th!!! I like to try and regard these as mini Halloweens. And then... there's another fri 13th before my 3rd favorite holiday St' patricks day... Oh and I'm Going to VEGAS in just 4 weeks. At least January is over... the worst month of the year is done... It's getting lighter earlier holidays are popping up.

Lastly, I finally have contact with the school radio station, and I should have a slot on Thursday at 5pm I believe. It will be called EclecticA and it will last for an hour. So, 4 Awesome things slated for the coming month. Fuck you January, fuck - you.XD Radio-Love-13- and Vegas. <B

Finito

A link to the first full song I've completely formed, write more later

go here

Level up

2015 goals. (the first half is key)

1. Work with the radio station.
2. Self publish a book of poetry.
3. Learn to drive
4. Join a group of some sort.
5. Get certificate.
6. Figure out next chapter for life.
7. work for Halloween event.
8. get first song  used, and of published.
9. 3 songs a month.
10. Choose (make decisions and stick by them)

patch work

After my class yesterday... or during rather- either or. I talked over a very present feeling I have been tossing around in my head about the music.

I've expressed my sometimes apathetic feeling about trying... and that I repeatedly challenge those doubts with statements like:


Sure, you can't lose if you don't try... but you also can't go anyway...

So many things that music requires also apply to musicianship. It's an eye opener. Music, especially for a complete newcomer needs practice... practice takes patience, and patience is acquired through discipline. I keep getting more and more. Feeling that things are running in a a great big circle. That a lot of what I am uncovering is very relevant to each other.

Back to my talk with my instructor. He basically reaffirmed all that I just said.

I've been opening my ears to so much more music and finding things I probably would not have listened to in the past. Lately a lot of what I've been listening to is pretty mellow... or- not what I would expect I'd be listening to a year ago.

This music is great... it's giving me feelings... I can't express.. it's been years since music has evoked deep feelings... Yeah, sure, I'd have many rebel anthems, and songs of standing back up cued on my mp3 player... but not too much that made me think and made me feel a deep sincerity.

One goal I have in what ever my musical endeavors turns out be that I can reach people and do for them what my influences have done for me. I want to reach out and be involved with them.. My instructor stressed the importance of community yesterday as well.. on how it helps you to keep learning, helps them to learn, and ultimately networks you and helps you do better.

I'm very lucky I have a supportive boyfriend behind me in this. Perhaps with the coming days, I'll have made some friends that are similar in that regard. perhaps some friends with music interest in my classes.

But digging further into where I want to be... rather than further into myself ... oh... it's scary but feels..right.  I can't wait to try my hand at the radio station of my school. and see what I do. I was thinking of calling my hour Ecclectica (an hour of difference.)

The thought is to use this time as experience with the equipment, getting some music people might not know about into their ears, and being a little self-promotional. I would largely start it out by playing the music I listen to, all of the genres. I would try and play about 1 or 2 known songs for every song of mine. That way people might be more inclined to stay and investigate. As for the self promotion, I think it'd be really cool to kind of wedge some of my stuff in as filler or background when I talk (if I do). I'm constantly trying to connect people to music when I can so this might be a VERY great way of doing so.

Sounds ambitious... ^_^

I also think that it is really cool what my final project will be for my art appreciation class. I'm going to make a poem and a song... They will be related... I'm going to probably make the song first and then right a poem based off of that or vice versa. So- hopefully what should be something fun for the rest of the class. considering I only talk to one person in it  and most others will be drawing or painting.

RANDOM RANT 2: THE SHORTS OF IT.

People... especially of my age group.. I politely inquire... Why are you wearing shorts in this subarctic weather? Why are your coats gently collecting dust on the rack? I see you fine, and oblivious from the slit in my ski mask, 3 layers of jacket , and mittens... is it because warm doesn't look cute? Do you suffer for the aesthetic? Hmmmm you're probably not from here... we do live in Ann Arbor.... <B

Frosting train

WOOT WOOT!

It's been a week, I've been floating around here and there... not particularly doing anything. I have not heard back from the sex place lol. School has been good though lol. With the strange exception of a new potential friend that I cannot hang out with due to a jealous boyfriend? An excuse, or a jerk of a guy... I don't know really. Ummm I had my first publishing, and reading in the same week... needless to say I was like a cat in the rain.... (cats hate water, so  the image I have is that the cat is happy to be outside, but is really looking to get to safety.) It was good enough to get published but it was a small victory only in a school chapbook. I was reading and have published work that I saw as sub par.... that's it! I'm only going to use the "big guns" in the way of writing. People told me it was good and what not. I'm not discrediting what is good when I tell you. I'm not happy with it. In my opinion, all of my greatest inspiring artists will be pretty point blank about their art. these poems were not my best work... Only one of them was semi- thought provoking and inspiring. I want to give back to the people like myself out there. I want to find them and give them what the artists I adore have given me. Regardless of what I've eaten, what I've done, or haven't done yet- I need to be there for myself. I really need to start diving into the words (interviews and writings of) my artists... because they push me, and inspire me about as much... if not more to get my feet racing... I'm already moving at a sprint compared to years passed. This year has been great- it's not over yet but I am calculating what next year will be for me. If I do not have my poetry published twice more... I'll last aim for my own book being published... the final step will be the reach for self publishing.

Wow that was a lot heavier than I anticipated it to be! However, I do feel it to be uplifting so that's good.

Yeah, I'm anticipating on next year- but I'm trying hard to stop depending on tomorrow.

I had my dear friend at the poetry event... Which made me  very proud... I always thought she would be there should something like this finally happen. Thank you :).

So I've indulged in much frosting... Tsk tsk. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying I have a vigilant eye atm. Trying to live not entirely through my eyes, my head, or my heart... but all of them... it's hard not being over thoughtful, over feel, over aesthetic. [negative thought omitted] This week will be medicinal. Tomorrow I see the eye doctor, my counselor, and my support group. The following day, my regular doctor, and the day succeeding that I will be seeing the dentist. I've worked so hard to cement things this year both mentally physically and emotionally. So cheers to that- Stay with me there's on more paragraph.

Bry... BRY wake up! It's Autumn (though you'd not entirely know it) and tomorrow is your month!!!! HAIL HAIL! (felt right it was lyrics from a song I'm listening to) This weekend is the cider mill, then, treats with the midgets, then I'm another year older.

"Is this the year we get our rocket launcher arm attachment for our arm?"

"No... that's next year"

"Makes sense that's when I'll need it"

Who knows if there is anything before or in between crossing the fingers right now. I am going to start pushing myself into society (Necto monday mainly) I need to relinquish my fear and distrust of the world. I dart back in forth between  seeing trust as an opening in my the lightweight armor I wear.

You can't be throwing grenades if you want people to know you're a nice person . I can easily share myself with girls... but for the boys, my one man army is on a hair trigger.... Reconcile this Bry, somehow... reconcile <B

Quite possible...

Anything, as long as you put your mind to it right?

"Where there's a will there's a way"... "All you have to do is want something, and then let yourself have it!! okay, so that last one was the grandmother from Halloween town explaining spells- SO WHAT?!? Same principle. I'm at a power struggle I am, I am!

What is it now Bry?!?! Identity. I've had a very flimsy definition of self- for ... forever really. All I know is I classify myself as different... a bit eccentric.. confused.. immature... kinda responsible? Point that I'm attempting to make is... How does one strive for their own path when they don't really know whose path they are looking for... and I don't want to pull my disorder card (but I will). Bi-polar messes with consistency.. if you know me you know this. This might be one of the many reasons I plant myself so deep into Halloween... it's all I know I have... at the end of highschool... I never payed mind to what came next... things kinda slid down the hill. But I did have plans and things I oddly enough did... I feed on constructive criticism... I keep biting dry sources. I tried to watch a video about HVAC by the way... B-o-R-i-N-g Maybe it's cuz I'm hands on? idk... All I know is I want to make some good choices now... Isn't life all about trade offs really?

Eat that cake- it's delicious... but there's the guilt. Oooo a pleasant sugar buzz too but no good. Relating to my epiphany.. I can choose the one I would snooze over work for someone, Know my day almost everyday... be exhausted- that's my interpretation of HVAC.

It's finer points are the fact I'd have a set structure.. which I do well with. I'd get vacations, weekends off...  But then... I KNOW I'd always question what if about the music. I'm sure I'll do that in what ever direction I move but that's just how I am. Ponder...ponder...ponder. My  gut is broken of late... can't follow it.

When I dropped out of High school... I knew I was going back that same year and graduating.. I felt like I was making a terrible mistake and I almost cried that day... But! I stuck to my plan... I just barely got accepted (the final class I needed had a last slot open..) but I achieved it.. I did this with a care free attitude and when people seemed shocked or worried that I bailed for those few months telling me "Make sure you go back" or "hope you know what's best for you". I Didn't care... I had a plan... and also, I had free time. Maybe the over analyzing is what's keeping me at a stalemate...

Unfortunately, the way I learn a (mass) majority of the time is through crash and burn. I've been getting better about reconfiguration of things... short term... heh.. THIS is why going on a long journey for a degree would kill me.... I've very nearly used the aid allotted for the certificates... I can imagine the circles I run in dialing up my loans if I didn't have a roof I'll hit soon.

So, I think I just have to live... it seemed to work before. Easier said than done.  I mean could I be a writer? Is that even a valid option? ... random thought..

I've been dodgey of people due to being highly unsure of all of these things... which is sad cuz I want to show people how cool I can be. I keep meeting people who are gifted... or have their things... their talents... I... don't know what I'm good at... I have a tot's attention span... the soul of a jaded old man, the heart of a child, I'm pretty sure my brain is just this weird mixed media soup, and the curiosity of a cat. I have no clue what my calling is these things considered. I can write and kind of make music... But that's all I am really good at...

As much as I want to float and say that everything will meld.. like I did with school... My defenses are hair triggered. Maybe I should lay back... thinking about this all day everyday... trying to burn both ends of the candle... new blog soon.. more light-hearted... involving my membership to the motor city haunt club, the halloween garage sale, my new friend, and more <B

Bowels

[fart noise]... I'm mature :D

Yesterday was really cool, Don't remember if I posted or no, let's go with not.... So, I saw a shit ton of my family yesterday. Saw mom, Saw my uncle which I haven't seen in 6 years, saw my grandpa which I haven't seen in 6 years. My uncle was really cool, I never really knew how to talk to him when I was younger, maybe I couldn't relate? I am not really sure but relationships of all kinds: family or friends are really important to me. Grandpa was really doing well it seemed in the nursing home, which was a very nice place. Sometimes it registered that I was his grandson all grown up, other times, he wasn't. Asked me if my mom or my dad was tall :/. He did however make a comment of self awareness admitting that he doesn't always have a grip on his thoughts. When on the subject of school I told him I was following music, surprisingly he said excellent... and he said it with enthusiasm! THAT was one of the most touching moments I've had with my grandfather... EVER! :D thank you Gramps.

Today was also the beginning of something new... I started drivers training.... Whoa man... I just got done with it in fact! The woman... was crazy.... GOOD. It was this big black lady and she was super funny and calm! I was doing so well, we both thought... a little rough on my braking, and distance between the cars ahead of me but other than that I'm good apparently. Today our main focus was on just getting the feel of the wheel. we basically just drove forward with the occasional turns and what not. Tomorrow... round two!

Now, for the rest of the day and future plans. Today I'm mainly going to be cleaning, tweaking my Halloween make-up, and internet window shopping. All signs point to this weekend kicking off the fall!... I'll be waiting <B

Ozone Coffee

It's out of this world. puh... that is an over used space pun if I ever heard one!

Yesterday... OH I'm gonna punch that nagging negativity that keeps rising up ... punch it square in the balls and then pour salt in it's eyes. Yesterday was good enough in the first half but man... when I hit that outside world my attitude plummeted. I've been very intro-verty.. Avoiding eye contact... being the only one of a classroom, or group to not laugh... I think that I'm pulling into my little hermit shell because silly things. Intro-verty won't cut it with making new friends lol. I got over it by eating my feelings. But it wasn't all too bad. Besides I got creative with it... I wanted something sweet and all I had available to me was a packet of hot cocoa mix... Not wanting hot cocoa... I thought hmmm. I went for the all natural peanut butter and mixed it kind of making this weird peanut butter cup frosting. It was rather delicious.

Today, Is fair enough no complaints, Kind of cool and breezy, sunny day... A holiday weekend in my midst, and a lot of ideas, of things to do and see and the like. I want to go to guitar center for their big sale to maybe get a better functioning audio system. I want to go to this mysterious and shady little coffee shop I found a hint of when I went to pick up my fizz water. No, literally - there was a sign saying "Secret Coffee" with a little hand pointing in the direction of the back of building. ... It's an addition to this wine and bakery... so maybe it's worth checking out. And being one of the first customers has it's advantages you know... I love under ground things..I also want to go to this store right beside it Called Ozone Music. I've been intrigued by it for the 4 months we've lived here...but never got to it... Feeding off of the positive vibes of my new class I am super curious. Going to My boyfriend's sisters this weekend. OOOO and I have this awesome Idea! I found some top 100 Halloween movie lists online. I thought it would be fun that when my boyfriend and I are bored we could watch the movie in correspondence to how many days are left till the big H. (I know when I talk it makes perfect sense to me but not everyone so, I'll explain). Tonight there are 63 days till Halloween thus, we'd watch number 63 on the list. Screw all of the T.V. stations and their 31 days or even worse... 13 DAYS of Halloween... that's all fine and good. But don't they understand that September is but a prelude.

What's on the agenda? tinkering with my music, some writing, some taxing phone calls to caseworkers, optometrists, a little painting, and some cleaning. Later I get some Sprat paint.. because I'm impatient like that and While I could say... "Well, I painted all of this by hand... Sure it took some time but... It taught me what it means to be a man..." I'd rather save the life lesson speech for grandpas.

<B

clap CLap CLAP

Obvious that yesterday wasn't the greatest? Yeah thought so lol.

Well, I opted out last minute of technical communications and signed up for art appreciation. Which seemed good at the time. But when I got there most of the students were people who were taking the class not for their love of art but because they wanted a blow off humanities class. Aye,. I was really hoping to meet some people really into art in the class. In the one class I had I seem to identify most with the oldest lady in the class. Which makes complete sense. I'm not fond of most people my own age, all of them... too loud of a bunch. yo can be fun and stuff without being obnoxious lol,

I'm going to my music programming and sequencing class today. This should go a lot more smoothly because the people in this class should genuinely want to be there. I have some time before class today. So let's see what that leads to yeah? I'm going to apply the idea of starting out working on each project for about half an hour at a time. As I have said I have a very limited energy reserve as well as attention span... combine the two... and you get the opposite of productivity. One of the biggest things that I am trying to accomplish.

What and who I want to be are clearly defined in my head. It's kind of like when you see something in your head.. now comes the task of translating that into reality. I want to be healthy, check... I want to have enough energy... [x] I want to have made sure that I am getting done what I feel I need to [x]. All things aside I cleared my dry erase board and felt justifiably done with my day :). I want to be a fun and friendly person- to do so I must first be at peace with myself, and earlier said energy. For me to be at peace I must be able to balance and get done all that I need to. I have this strict parent figure in my head... it pushes me to live harder and faster.. That's how I initially lost weight. Sadly it not only distorted views but it also gave me a tunnel view. I would like to open my eyesight but I seem to draw into one thing at a time and disregard other aspects. Kind of like the bettering myself... I find it a tad more important than being social for the time being.

I'm going to need a lot of patience with myself in the coming weeks as I am trying to exact what the issue is with my energy levels as they are a key component in everything. ... A zen if you will. There's no way I want to commit to anything too big until I get the handle on myself that I need... Or I will inevitably fall flat on the affair whatever that might be. Know your armor and it's weak spots. I DEFINITELY NEED to be in prime condition within 34 days (October).

yep :) <B

ookie cookie

XD heh. Well, here it is the day just before I go back to class. I'm nervous and excited. It means quite a bit really. It means I'm inching closer to my goals, in a couple of ways, for example, driving, certificates, and possibly even friends!!!! But, With the beginning fall semester that also sounds off the all eminent autumn, whether if feels like it or not. I mean it is going to catch up really quick. First week of class, then the first marker of the season (labor day) and it's festivities. Then Cedar point hopefully.. The the fall becoming official. Orchard, Chicago for my birthday weekend hopefully, and greenfield village (maybe). I'm really excited to go and see My boyfriend's niece and nephew. Not only are they adorable.. but I feel like family. It's really nice. We are going to have a Halloween snack and art day ^_^ maybe art... Idk if I can do both.. but we'lll see how it goes! I'm probably as excited to do that as I am all of the other things... In fact I just came up with a brilliant idea if it'll work I don't know. I think could be fun to have a little bit of a run with it day. See how things progress and if all goes well Maybe they could go to greenfield :) After all it is more for the wee ones anyways. :D The gravitation is amazing.

The doc went well, she thinks that I am doing extremely well in regards to health (even though I did slip up this weekend a bit heh.) But yeah, she said the dizziness and what not was due to have a boosted metabolism from all of the protein I have been picking up. So, she recommended getting some healthy carbs in there like fruits and dark greens and whole grains if I'm going to do breads which of course is a given. So, I'll give it a try!
 As for my grogginess. She said that I am at a weird age. Apparently your mind stops it's development after physical growth. She told me that what's happening is apparently my mind is trying to stabilize more or less. So, she told me that at this age it is very hard to gauge the right amount of sleep needed to properly function. My plan of action is to play with the times a bit and see which works the best for me. Do a little bit of self research of course. My idea though, is to go to bed at the same time every night so I at least have that variable the same. Each week I will take note of waking up a half an hour later than the last.
Okay, let's say I've been waking up at 5:30, which I have been for like 3 months. I was getting progressively worse. So, this week I'm going to try 6am and rate each day on a scale of 1-3 when the week is over. I will collect my total. A total less than 7 is ineffective. A total between 7 and 14 is about the bare minimum. And 14 and up is where I want to be. I'll do this test all the way up to 8 am if I have to. Only 8 though because it's so wasteful to go beyond that.

Last part. FIGHT (mortal kombat reference)
I spoke with a side counselor about the lack of accomplishment I had been feeling which I knew had nothing to do with me being tired. and she said that what it sounds like is I'm really driven and just want to push myself harder and further than what I am ready for just yet. I gave it a metaphor like- "trying to lift a hundred pounds when 20 burns you out". Well- I was trying to practice my music stuff for a minimum of 3 hours a day... but the hours weren't divided or anything. I was trying to do marathons. My attention span would last  an hour at best before I was just sitting at the screen with a bungee cord of spittle  repelling from the side of my face. The woman (such a nice woman), she told me too that all things considered the choice that I have chosen to go with my set of friends is fairly justified. That in itself helped me greatly and now I'm not so ticked off that I have to contact them or feel that they're avoidant. So, I just have to find some new people and lay the ground  work early. All of this, has really helped me to understand one of the greatest things to discover in a while though. It means I'm caring again. Actually paying attention to the outcomes and challenging the bad ones. Challenging bad situations as well as my own bad moves. Striving toward my best. Because when I fell restless like I'm missing something or feeling angry like I could be doing better... it usually means that I am doing things and I have thoughts and ideas I'm running toward that body has not caught up to. So, in other words... I'm doing what I need to but when I look at the things I'm not satisfied with what I've done yet. As I've said poetry is very much an instant gratification. - Speaking of that I get to go to this little outdoors reading for the "Green Anthology" I'm going to have my first publish in.

Nothing more to say than I've actually accomplished everything that I wanted to this year and little more... but I still want to get more out of it. It's cliche' sure, but there is no rest for the wicked.
<B

seems so real

This is gonna be quick and clean...

Yesterday was ick, BUT today should be good :). I'm going to the doctor in just a couple of minutes to hopefully get some light shed on my circumstances... See if if I'm doing everything okay and what not. It's very important because I'm apparently very healthy physically... But the attic is pretty dusty.. so maybe she can help me, perhaps not. either way. I need to figure this stuff out.

That aside, my little bundle of joy should be on it's way. Loot crate. Ummmmm and I might get my hair cut... the deciding factor will be how it feels out when I come back.. if it's still gross then I'm gonna hide.

How rude summer! Take back august and from what the weather says a part of September? NO!

Excited and nervous about monday... and hesitant... it's supposed to be so hot and sticky!!!!! I'm interested in what the life blood of this technical writing class is though. I'm more excited about my engineering class on Tuesday though.

My curiosity can go either way. It's good that I ask questions still and seek the answers out... but sometimes it saps out time and energy. And then there's my SHORT attention span. I have many projects right now and all of them are a quarter to half way done at best. It's not like I don't know where I'm going with them... I do. It's just that I want something new and exciting that I do not have yet.... My story I know I want it as a comic. but I don't know how to do the paneling conversations for the writing . Or what I was the first issue to encompass. I know that it needs to have something that would pull you in and keep you in place so that you would want to come back to that world until it closed up. I also know that I want to have a couple ..."spin-offs" It's all very mythical. It has interlocking characters and each story would have a very distinct tone to it. I want the one I am working on to have a british dark humor to be the main feel. But also have elements of happiness, horror, love, a little bit of everything. I the next one to be complete dark humor, I want another to be highly fantasy inspired and serious. there's one also I want to do something with involving the character father time. I want that to be a self-against-self type of story fantasy humor my idea for that one thus far.

Lastly I have an Idea for a moan who plants bombs in a very specific and unsuspecting, everyday, household item. There are a rash of these bombings.... that's all I have for that.

I have many song titles and songs I want to finish. I feel that my classes will help me out with that so... not only should they be done... but done more effectively than I could now.

It's quite obvious why poetry worked out so well for me and that is largely, because of it's ability to be as short or long as I need to be- tell a story and close in one to three sittings. It is fast and powerful like a machine gun. <B

The Blue shift

Go... blue ...woot...yeah...

Haha this change coincidentally made for the month of september is also when september begins. This is the ONLY reason I get remotely excited about football... That just means fall is here. But any way. September's color is obviously blue... There's not too to much you can do with blue but Ice...

Yesterday was a mish mash of good, simple, angst and apathy. Nice... But again Notice there was good. You got a quarter of your teeth cleaned for free. and the rest will be done for free as well! The girl that did it was super friendly. I'm glad the Doctor-patient chemistry was there, those sorts of meetings can be so awkward otherwise. I mean someone being that invasive and what not. They  should be friendly or- its kinda like mouth rape. But it went well, it was an interesting venture as it was at the U of M dental school. It was kind of like an alien abduction and a christmas carol rolled into one. I mean I was on a table under a bright white light getting probed in the mouth by a crew of strangers.  0.0. And then a christmas carol because there were three dentists that had to verify me aside from my main person. So it was like look at what your teeth were, what the are and what they could be... LOOK AT ITTT!! heh.

A common theme Was the considerate amount of times I was inquired about if I ran or not. I guess my health info says I'm elite or something. F@%k yeah I am I said. There was one in particular- my dentist of dental future who was super geeked about it. One of THOSE. She had told me that she had been training for a half marathon and yesterday the students finals had thrown her off of her game a bit. I said yeah I ran my first 5K this year and giggled to myself. (I wasn't as slow as a turtle. Inside joke) She said that I had the perfect runner's body. Flattering :D and creepy 0.o. She mentioned something about candy land and I don't remember why- she quickly followed that up by... but that was more of a girls game... and I said oh, I just played that for the first time a couple years ago. and she said, she wasn't going to even ask why I had played it. Then, suggested maybe it was with a younger family member... nuh uh. I didn't feel like I neded to prove anything in fact it maybe me smile because I was completely content with my man-child personality. that I am not restricted to "male" or "female" "young" or "old" I have qualities in each category. Why should I choose? I don't have to... and I don't so that point in time came to me quickly and I saw a face of myself that I admired. She was also the only doctor to take the time and care to clear out the mass blood pool forming in the bottom of my mouth. A great lady in my book. She gave me A FIST BUMP and was one her way. That made my fucking day.

When all Was said and done a very grateful new dentist had given me $50 bucks for being her patient. (Crowd): AWWWWWW!

But it wasn't all fun and games... the day descended sadly- as soon as I got on the wrong bus and ended up in Ypsilanti. It's okay there but majority of the people there smell of nicotine and regrets. NOT ALL but most. It was like the air around that bus stop's air itself was stained with the scent. Icky.. It's never a good time when you get the wrong bus let alone end up on the gross side of town. It's a waste of time. even though I wasn't going to do much when I got back. It's annoying when you just want to get back... Kind of like being stuck in traffic I suppose. Same concept. I'll learn about that soon. bleh.

But yeah.. my best friend fatigue showed up and we got caught up on things really quick... I gotta figure out how to break it to him that this friendship is not healthy for me and that I want out. So, I ate, and I slept till I had to leave again... I was oh so hostile inside. Thankfully it didn't reflect (too much) outwardly. I got through it, got some laughs out, like I usually do. and went home. I was a mixture of lonely, bored, hungry, and annoyed. So I took to eating my feelings. I knew damn well, unlike my times in the past that I wasn't necessarily eating these things that I was eating... nor did they necessarily taste good but I was trying to use them as mortar to fill the cracks. eh, it happens. It's probably okay anyways being 6 feet tall and 141 lbs.

Okay now this morning. I feel pretty charged.. I actually woke up at 4 am again... this time because I had a scratchy right eye again. Something that happens rather frequently of late... never the left eye... only the right.. I'm glad I see the doc tomorrow I don't want to end up like that one nun with the eye patch. And though some may think I'm going nuts when I say that my hair is gracefully telling me farewell... I can see it. People have a better sense of things than anyone around them for the most part. My hair used to be super thick. Now when I put it certain ways I can see my scalp... oh no.. my pride and joy. But it was bound to happen. If not for one reason than the other. My many hair dyes , hair products, stress, anxiety, weight fluctuations etc. So, My plan is, I'm gonna continue my hair growth for this year maybe part of next and make good use of both my hair and of the chalk I don't want to have wasted dough on. I might just shave my hair down short enough to see whats going on... should it be more sporadic than the sides.. we'll see a Bryan with hats... hats sunglasses and jackets will hopefully fill the hair void. Sun glasses and hats are roughly the same price as haircuts so. I could still change it up fairly easily... and I wouldn't need shampoo or spray, or gel. There's a plus for a minus moment for ya. <B

P.s. I am so proud I'm using paragraphs. And almost correctly even! ^_^

Static, Signal System

The Original title was going to be called "blacked out" but I wanted to go for something a little less dramatic and worrisome lol.

Sup? I've been losing weight without necessarily trying- don't hate. Like really a pound a day. I'm down to 141. I've been so energy depraved ... I know, I know, am I eating enough? I think so! I've not been doing anything differently than I have since school started... but I have been having a curious regression since then... Of late, I've had many dizzy spells and almost passed out... No Beuneo. I've been eating protein the way the doctor has discussed. All of the doctors that I have encountered this year (mainly dentists) Have told me how healthy I am ( with the exception of some of my teeth. So I don't get it. I should on friday though hopefully. I'll be seeing my doc, bright and early at 8:30 in the morning. Just like I'll be getting a deep tooth cleaning tomorrow at 7: am 0.0. Good thing I already get up at 5:30. Which I'm really guessing if that's a good time for me to wake up ya know. I've been on this sched since may 17th more or less and I'm still tired before the day begins I even go to bed between 10 and 10:30 every night. *shrugs* Perhaps my metabolic rate is out of control who knows? Except I do notice a slight change of pace when sugar gets added to the mix... I doubt it's the bi-polar. I've had that pretty well handled.

I Killed facebook. I needed to. It wasn;t really my thing anyways. It, is a waste of time really. I gave the new account a good trial and error of 9 months though. (golf clap). This isn't bad, it doesn't (necessarily) mean I'm receding into myself again. It just shows that I am aware of my limits. So then there is the answer of why it's gone. Well what spawned it was this article I read about there being a challenge to go without it for 99 days just to see what you get done- how life has been etc. The thought was highly enticing. Along with the fact that this was introduced to me through an article saying that some people respond negatively to face book and might want to turn it off. Well, 99 days is pretty much the end of the year. So maybe I'll be back on depending. I never really liked the concept of having "friends" on facebook that I didn't talk to. Just a collection pretty much. i didn't much care to know about everything everyone was doing- it takes away from catching up. Back before this whole thing people lived their lives out and when they saw the other people again- they had stuff to talk about. I'd like very much for myself to plunge into a real life social pit. Buttt.. trying to do it on my own terms at first. And hopefully the next friends I make will be cool enough to not only be like hey, what are you doing? But to also send me a text as opposed to people who only facebook message. So annoying. It also made me fret to see all of things others were doing... things my friends would do and not give me the time of day for... ugh.

This whole ordeal was kind of like junk food... Like when you don't buy it because you know deep down that if you buy it... you'll eat it... I binged on the attention I was getting for a good while until the well ran dry. That's when I kept fishing and there was nothing left to catch.

I feel that this chapter I'm choosing to live can be a more fulfilling and happier life. In my own world with my nose in my business and everyone elses in theirs. I feel like it will open my head a bit and make me focus on me. I feel that due to my over access to things nowadays that I have lost somethings about myself that I really enjoyed and would like back. I'll take what I need from the rest of the world, but i refuse to let it make me. i'll keep my twitter for my news, keep my pinterest for inspiration.

This time around though, I'm not alone though. Not like prior times. I know I have someone that loves me and cares. And when I think about where, I'd be and who I'd be without him it is scary. I'd like a crew of Halloween loving punkster friends. I would LOVE that. But it's not in the cards for the time being. I know that I'm not alone though.

<B

Sweetness

Today, I have to say was good. Beyond regaining most of my strength and eating noodles that is.

I took a cab to school, due to my wobbly body and slightly spinning head. I spoke with what I think to be an overtly friendly man in his middle ages. He had done the usual social prodding one does in acquaintance ...

"Yeah I'm going for certificates, I can't commit to but one solitary career forever, I need variety. I don't want to follow everyone else's truth. I'm not a cop or a fire fighter type... I'm no ones human shield."

I find it taxing to spit out my story seven different ways when meeting people... I understand its importance...I do... But I still find it tedious. Perhaps that's why I'm selective in my connections idk...

ANYWAYS. The man asked me if I went to Ann Arbor High or whatever its called. I said I'm from Westland. He seemed surprised and explained why he was. He said I'm well spoken and seem intelligent... The last word hard to swallow but flattering. He said that I don't seem to have come from that area as he used to live in garden city.

It always instills something into me when I have these moments ... <B