O is for Orange

Scream all you want no one can hear you. Take a tear at the night if you can't help but feel that you were left here on purpose. furrow your eyebrows and try to convince yourself this was all a mistake and then move on to convince someone who might care...  Freedom lies in your veins, that very same irony bars you.

i don't know what all that's about i felt it come on... so I went with it. Today is ... odd. Like yesterday was odd. I'm not sure if it's due to the breaking of bedtimes or indulging in certain foods or both really... But I'll step back on both of those as much as I can... I mean after all.. no one really likes admitting they need sleep... No one wants to admit they can't eat what they want all of the time.  But that's just the reality of things. I know that I might not get to watch certain things if I go to bed early, bu that's too bad... I'd rather be more awake and alert the next day... I keep telling myself too that I will work on my music more and more... Giving only about the last hour or 2 of the day before bed to myself... It's far harder to accept our needs and have to's as opposed to our wants and desires. I need to work more. Perhaps not harder... but in higher amounts... there might become a time where I am up for hours beyond my sleep... that habit will most likely form when I really start to understand the software I am using. It took me a at least a year and a half before I found out pretty much everything I could in my original program.. I felt a little like I should have been wearing a dunce cap.. I could have learned that in 4 months tops, had I been at it longer... But that's been done. I just need to make sure that I get into and crack the info for what I am working with and make sure i get back into a flow. 

I know by instinct how to damage my ambitions... I've done it for too long. I must train...(take it as easy on myself as I can while doing so) to be something that both a younger and my current self can just be excited about... I've been feeding this fire little by little and it's been showing... 

Sure it will suck in the beginning ... a lot of things do... i keep telling myself... Bry, you don't have friends so where is your time invested... it's not like people are distracting you. I've gotta take this more serious in regards that I want it... Even I don't "Create" anything I have to learn what I'm doing and work with it... just doing that enough ... putting in the time is what's most important... 

That's my little rant...

I'm also not 100% certain I took my med yesterday either *shrugs* I did today though so, there's that.

I'm going to go and try to be productive. 

<B