Brain... failing...
PAST:
I'm not quite sure than has been anything too titillating. What's happened though? Well, I'll tell ya. It's been different. Not sure if good or bad. But what I am sure of is that I am changing. I saw my psychiatrist again, and we mutually decided I should add a little extra medicine. NOW, I've been feeling a little strange since then I won't lie. But maybe it's because I need to adjust? I am not really sure as there are other variables present that I could change and see if they factor in, or if indeed the medicine is the culprit. I've been eating a lot of sugary things... I guess enjoying the things that I can eat now. I've been without dairy for nearly two weeks. Sure it does suck. But I've noticed that I'm a lot more regular.... I sound so fucking old. It's supposedly really good for you as we don't need milk. Its more of a treat like anything else involving dairy... chocolate and almost any other creamy thing. But it's for the best this way. Because it saves me... it's indeed a net. now I can't just go anywhere and pick up a treat. except oreos... did you know there is no dairy of any kind involved in it... Scary I know but delicious the same. But yeah, the boyfriend has been more on tack than I have food wise. It's whatever I only have to impress myself, and him. If others happen to be as well... so be it but it's no longer a huge goal. I have real people things to attend to. Not who's hot and who's not. Hmmmm. what else happened? Idk... Still tired... slightly less so due to the walk I just got back from, (vitamin D and all that jazz). Let's move on.
CURRENT:
I have pretty much summed it up with tired. Again, it could be the medicine, it could be me trying to toy with my schedule, it could be a sugar hangover from the marshmallow fluff I recklessly indulged in last night. I'm not certain in any capacity which of them it is, and maybe it's multiple. But I do have to say that I am impressed with having not only exercised today, But I've figured out the insurance stuff, looked at when I have to get books for class, looked at when class starts (august 24), and the days and times in which I would need to be there. I'm blogging so that will be off of the checklist, I've shaved, went for a walk... leaving me to have to clean and and practice. So, I've finished 2/3 of my goals. After wards I will take an hour or so and then come up with 3 more, listen to music, and or just try and practice some more. Maybe read a little?
FUTURE:
Soooo, this week is loot crate, Heroes edition... we'll see what's in that. ... and then a full moon on the 31st. Pretty cool, but august has suddenly become kind of full. Kick starting the month with a baseball game of all things. I never thought I would say yes, or care to even try and go to anything involving sports... especially in the middle of the summer. But I want the experience. I'm very curious about it all. Camping went well, Just have to try it. I used to say, and I will start saying it again. I will try things in 3's. My only complaint is the thing that I am most interested in is so early in the month. Thus... leaving the rest of the month kind of limp. It happened this month too with the 4th of July camping trip. July usually goes especially slow for me anyways... seeing as it is meant for summer people... July is to summer people as October is to fall people... I get it... I really do. and it is better than oh, say January or February. But, it's in the way. But Bryan, October's not for another 3 months. Noted. I used to dislike August equally if not more because it's like getting up to the biggest scene in a movie and having the power go off. Ready to get on with it... but having an unfortunate obstacle. Now, I see August as many retailers do... It's the beginning. It's the time when dark things start to conspire in small groups, and plan their approach to store display domination. The B- side to July that Assure's you Halloween IS COMING. Then September plunges you right into the middle of things. Finally, October. Everything is in full swing! The only sad bit, is... much like Halloween creeps up so do the greens and reds. They've already begun to... But I can't think about that. I just hope that this upcoming Season will far surpass that of last year. I am in better health, and I am ready! majority of the problem last year... stupid scratched cornea... Now the Halloween aesthetics won't be quite the same... I'l have to get a little more creative I guess. Anyways that's it!
<B
Showing posts with label Sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sleep. Show all posts
Monday, July 20, 2015
Monday, July 6, 2015
Flames and fairies
Okay! I don't know how long it has been since I last posted but anyways!
PAST: this last week was admittedly kind of a lazy one I think. But a cool one nonetheless. Especially the finale of it! Sooo we went camping and all was pretty awesome! We got there and we set up, and made a fire, and I drank... I broke like all of the rules I had set in place for myself EXCEPT I did not have like any smores or candy! I could have gotten some taffy, (like the old man I am) but no! We went downtown and saw a couple of cute places, other than that it was kind of boring there. Our campsite was a rustic one, well, as rustic as you can get in a gay campground with quite a few other surrounding campers. Most of them were nice, a lot passed us by, but they probably weren't worth talking to in my opinion for doing that. Even some that I said hi to "loud enough to be heard even) just walked on by. Oh well lol. That made the times we talked to some other people just that much better! At one point I drew the attention, of a group of guys... they thought I was at a state of easiness due to my level of ... or lack of sobriety. Surprise guys, I have a really good handle on myself when drunk, the ONLY way there'ed be any other wise would be if I was blacked- or passed out. Flattering but awkward. Our first truly friendly and wonderful people that we met was a trio comprised of 2 lesbians and a gay guy... I am horrible with names but they were super, SUPER awesome people. They were very welcoming, and I felt like we were a part of their group even. I had quite a bit in common with the most outgoing too! Surprisingly. Just yeah. But that first night though... the party went on for many of the boys late into the early hours of 4:30 AM.... needless to say I couldn't sleep... I was anxious of sleeping outside, there was very loud partying, the bf was sawing logs. It should also be noted that I did actually get more "messed up" than anticipated. I was fine... stumbly but fine by the end of the night... I felt a little groggy in the morning sure, but that was an expectation to be had after everything... After all my poison of choice was 91.1 proof cinnamon flavored whisky. I favor whisky more than vodka. But yeah, I thought I'd shake it off, but the combination of it all, plus the added sinus pressure and dehydration that I usually wake up with really let me have it about an hour into the day. We went to big boy, and we left big boy immediately. I was sick. So when returned to base, I ate my pancakes, and eggs, and napped for about 45 minutes or an hour and I was just fine! Surprisingly, the 4th of July was more tame than the prior night. But before the night had concluded we met up with the earlier mention trio and played one of all of our favorite games, cards against humanity. We then saw our "neighbor" that's what this one guy called us when we were there! he was super friendly and not as catty as I assumed he might be at first. But he was hilarious and had this air about him that could probably comfort, or adjust to most anyone. It was really cool, there were some truly good people there! Whereas I'm not so sure if we would have gone to the more hyper younger place the dunes... where there would be so much estrogen it,d be like spending the night in a sorority house... gross. But anyways not only did he earlier trade some of my whisky for some of his tequila ( I swear Latin gay guys are just crazy). He later popped up and said he was going to swim... Now the pool was cool with naked after 11pm. I wanted to go in the pool but my confidence was lower than usual due to the influx of gay guys there. But he said he'd go with me!. He wasn't a creep about it, nor did he lead me there and just leave me on my own. even got the boyfriend to come in. a great night. Still recovering in certain ways... but yeah, I feel that that night I got the most out of it!
CURRENT: I am patching myself back up food wise and schedule wise, focus wise, etc. about to eat a snack, work on sound for 3 hours, take a break to clean and look at whatever, and then get on the computer for 3 hours and go to all of the secret shopper things and care of business.
FUTURE: sometime soon the new invader Zim comic will be released! and then next weekend I get to go to the pagan witches thingy and learn about their culture and hopefully find some people of like mind. The little that I've read and seen .. I size up with some of the beliefs. I do believe that there is a force... not necessarily a god, or gods for that matter. I like to believe in the idea of it being mother nature sometimes. I feel connected to the earth sometimes. That's the only way I can describe it to those who have never felt it. But maybe it's the coffee who knows.... But there are occasions... mainly in the fall that I get this air that penetrates every part of me and feel more alive than I do most of the year. anyways... I hope it goes well!
<B
PAST: this last week was admittedly kind of a lazy one I think. But a cool one nonetheless. Especially the finale of it! Sooo we went camping and all was pretty awesome! We got there and we set up, and made a fire, and I drank... I broke like all of the rules I had set in place for myself EXCEPT I did not have like any smores or candy! I could have gotten some taffy, (like the old man I am) but no! We went downtown and saw a couple of cute places, other than that it was kind of boring there. Our campsite was a rustic one, well, as rustic as you can get in a gay campground with quite a few other surrounding campers. Most of them were nice, a lot passed us by, but they probably weren't worth talking to in my opinion for doing that. Even some that I said hi to "loud enough to be heard even) just walked on by. Oh well lol. That made the times we talked to some other people just that much better! At one point I drew the attention, of a group of guys... they thought I was at a state of easiness due to my level of ... or lack of sobriety. Surprise guys, I have a really good handle on myself when drunk, the ONLY way there'ed be any other wise would be if I was blacked- or passed out. Flattering but awkward. Our first truly friendly and wonderful people that we met was a trio comprised of 2 lesbians and a gay guy... I am horrible with names but they were super, SUPER awesome people. They were very welcoming, and I felt like we were a part of their group even. I had quite a bit in common with the most outgoing too! Surprisingly. Just yeah. But that first night though... the party went on for many of the boys late into the early hours of 4:30 AM.... needless to say I couldn't sleep... I was anxious of sleeping outside, there was very loud partying, the bf was sawing logs. It should also be noted that I did actually get more "messed up" than anticipated. I was fine... stumbly but fine by the end of the night... I felt a little groggy in the morning sure, but that was an expectation to be had after everything... After all my poison of choice was 91.1 proof cinnamon flavored whisky. I favor whisky more than vodka. But yeah, I thought I'd shake it off, but the combination of it all, plus the added sinus pressure and dehydration that I usually wake up with really let me have it about an hour into the day. We went to big boy, and we left big boy immediately. I was sick. So when returned to base, I ate my pancakes, and eggs, and napped for about 45 minutes or an hour and I was just fine! Surprisingly, the 4th of July was more tame than the prior night. But before the night had concluded we met up with the earlier mention trio and played one of all of our favorite games, cards against humanity. We then saw our "neighbor" that's what this one guy called us when we were there! he was super friendly and not as catty as I assumed he might be at first. But he was hilarious and had this air about him that could probably comfort, or adjust to most anyone. It was really cool, there were some truly good people there! Whereas I'm not so sure if we would have gone to the more hyper younger place the dunes... where there would be so much estrogen it,d be like spending the night in a sorority house... gross. But anyways not only did he earlier trade some of my whisky for some of his tequila ( I swear Latin gay guys are just crazy). He later popped up and said he was going to swim... Now the pool was cool with naked after 11pm. I wanted to go in the pool but my confidence was lower than usual due to the influx of gay guys there. But he said he'd go with me!. He wasn't a creep about it, nor did he lead me there and just leave me on my own. even got the boyfriend to come in. a great night. Still recovering in certain ways... but yeah, I feel that that night I got the most out of it!
CURRENT: I am patching myself back up food wise and schedule wise, focus wise, etc. about to eat a snack, work on sound for 3 hours, take a break to clean and look at whatever, and then get on the computer for 3 hours and go to all of the secret shopper things and care of business.
FUTURE: sometime soon the new invader Zim comic will be released! and then next weekend I get to go to the pagan witches thingy and learn about their culture and hopefully find some people of like mind. The little that I've read and seen .. I size up with some of the beliefs. I do believe that there is a force... not necessarily a god, or gods for that matter. I like to believe in the idea of it being mother nature sometimes. I feel connected to the earth sometimes. That's the only way I can describe it to those who have never felt it. But maybe it's the coffee who knows.... But there are occasions... mainly in the fall that I get this air that penetrates every part of me and feel more alive than I do most of the year. anyways... I hope it goes well!
<B
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
X is for Adults
Woooo, the day I've had....
It's been kind of clunky for lack of a better word...
What I mean by this: I guess it began with last night. I went to bed at 10:45 simple enough... but then I woke up at 5:30... because my bladder demanded it. Next, I went to an interview I had and I was the first one there as they were having multiple people come in.
I did it well enough, I had my selling points: I was there early, and I was myself with the managers, I asked many questions. Still no call back yet. but that's okay because although, I'm looking looking for work, and I need it and this would give me a fair amount of money... this would really... REALLY mess with my bipolar. How? Well, I'd already feel like I was keeping myself "a secret"... The manager essentially told me there would be an unofficial hazing, and the scheduling would be horrid... I need consistency, as I have said and will say many more times in my life... without it... I get lost and it's a little hard for me to turn around.
I was asked what I was doing currently and I told them going to school and looking for work, and when I mentioned what I had been going to school for they kind of... Snubbed it I feel like a "yeah that's nice". One of them even asked me what I hoped to do with that... I swear people with overtly business type minds... they suck they just don't really get much else too serious etc... Granted to get what I eventually want I'll have to bear some business power too... but a different kind, there is business from an artistic aspect... and a BUSINESS, business aspect.
So, that kind of got me a little down as it always does... Don't look down on me because I've chosen something that will ultimately make me happy. Anyways, I walked home took about 35 minutes, was a great walk in great weather .. probably the best part of my day no doubt. ... I found it a little hard to get back on track... in part due to the cloudy feeling in my head I sometimes get... I can never seem to put words to it... but my brain is fairly useless in this state... *Sigh* I could have gotten back on track easy hadn't it been for that. But, it happened nonetheless. I forced myself through one of the things I needed to get through working out. I quit after about 50 minutes... today's yoga practices were way too advanced me ... I had to improvise the best that I could...
So, I ultimately decided to take a nap, to try and counter act my brain from it's lack of thought... An hour and a half nap, because that's a sleep cycle and I figured that would be the best bet. So I did that and was in that weird state of asleep and awake at the same time... ick. But when I decided I was going to get up about an hour ago, I ate the remaining half of the jar of peanuts, and my waffle, pb2, greek yogurt, and marmalade sandwich. Yum... I opened the blinds.. And here I am.
Not a complete bust, I'm working through this day as best as I can. That's all you can ever do. But the thought that has been rolling around in my head, was what was it that made my day tumble around like this? Was it waking up so early? If so- that's not cool- I can't be having on link in my chain make the rest defective.... it makes sense to me though, because my body is used to a very specific routine... and it was thrown off of it since the very beginning of the day. Maybe it's allergies? I've had pressure in the front of my head since this morning. I doubt the likelihood of dehydration due to the fact that I have been a water fiend of late.... so I don't know..
All I know is that tomorrow I attack the gates of hot topic in hopes that they will accept me into their team... And call panera bread about their night baker position. But for now, I'm going to try and pick up and finish as much as I can.
Love, <B
It's been kind of clunky for lack of a better word...
What I mean by this: I guess it began with last night. I went to bed at 10:45 simple enough... but then I woke up at 5:30... because my bladder demanded it. Next, I went to an interview I had and I was the first one there as they were having multiple people come in.
I did it well enough, I had my selling points: I was there early, and I was myself with the managers, I asked many questions. Still no call back yet. but that's okay because although, I'm looking looking for work, and I need it and this would give me a fair amount of money... this would really... REALLY mess with my bipolar. How? Well, I'd already feel like I was keeping myself "a secret"... The manager essentially told me there would be an unofficial hazing, and the scheduling would be horrid... I need consistency, as I have said and will say many more times in my life... without it... I get lost and it's a little hard for me to turn around.
I was asked what I was doing currently and I told them going to school and looking for work, and when I mentioned what I had been going to school for they kind of... Snubbed it I feel like a "yeah that's nice". One of them even asked me what I hoped to do with that... I swear people with overtly business type minds... they suck they just don't really get much else too serious etc... Granted to get what I eventually want I'll have to bear some business power too... but a different kind, there is business from an artistic aspect... and a BUSINESS, business aspect.
So, that kind of got me a little down as it always does... Don't look down on me because I've chosen something that will ultimately make me happy. Anyways, I walked home took about 35 minutes, was a great walk in great weather .. probably the best part of my day no doubt. ... I found it a little hard to get back on track... in part due to the cloudy feeling in my head I sometimes get... I can never seem to put words to it... but my brain is fairly useless in this state... *Sigh* I could have gotten back on track easy hadn't it been for that. But, it happened nonetheless. I forced myself through one of the things I needed to get through working out. I quit after about 50 minutes... today's yoga practices were way too advanced me ... I had to improvise the best that I could...
So, I ultimately decided to take a nap, to try and counter act my brain from it's lack of thought... An hour and a half nap, because that's a sleep cycle and I figured that would be the best bet. So I did that and was in that weird state of asleep and awake at the same time... ick. But when I decided I was going to get up about an hour ago, I ate the remaining half of the jar of peanuts, and my waffle, pb2, greek yogurt, and marmalade sandwich. Yum... I opened the blinds.. And here I am.
Not a complete bust, I'm working through this day as best as I can. That's all you can ever do. But the thought that has been rolling around in my head, was what was it that made my day tumble around like this? Was it waking up so early? If so- that's not cool- I can't be having on link in my chain make the rest defective.... it makes sense to me though, because my body is used to a very specific routine... and it was thrown off of it since the very beginning of the day. Maybe it's allergies? I've had pressure in the front of my head since this morning. I doubt the likelihood of dehydration due to the fact that I have been a water fiend of late.... so I don't know..
All I know is that tomorrow I attack the gates of hot topic in hopes that they will accept me into their team... And call panera bread about their night baker position. But for now, I'm going to try and pick up and finish as much as I can.
Love, <B
Friday, August 29, 2014
The golden chalice
The holy grail, the unicorn of my life right now trying to achieve my elusive balance again. Who's a broken record? This guy lol.
Yesterday I became sluggish, lethargic... both? I hit my slump and I din't know what to do with it. I never have really... I just stop and I can't do much of anything... I did sleep till 6:30 today- is not the schedule I want... so I'll keep pushing my wake time to be later (until I reach 8). It's either that or, pulling my bedtime back... and nobody wants that. I'm sure that if I keep the same bedtime and go through my trials one of the times will just be... right. Should I wake up early, I'll get up that must mean that my body had enough. Today for example, I could have easily slept at least another half hour... but I attribute that to waking up at 12:30 Am due to my eye hurting me again... So I lost a half hour of sleep waiting till the pain subsided.
I really hope they get back with me about my eye exam referral.
I spoke with Best friend about what's been going on with her and what not... that's all I really had to do... I knew that.. I just for whatever reason didn't want to? Odd. We're supposed to hang out soon. I've decided too, that it's also good to have a plan to some degree but you will literally die trying to account for everything. That, being said I want to let things happen organically. Do what I need to but not labor on potential consequences or the potential rewards. But allow for them to just be.
Found lots of new music, been into a lot of score type stuff lately. Reflective of what I'd like to create I suppose. Lot's of Charlie Clouser, and a new score person whose done music for an impressive amount of television his name is C.M. Dess he's even had his music in a Harry potter movie. A lot of the music behind shows I'm finding, are kind of like the writers and more behind the scenes people. I'm fine with that if that's what I become. By all means some people will be curious enough to seek me out. Anyways this stuff is multinstumental and the kind I usually listen to is the electronic metal fusion. It suit for my love for all things rock and electronic... so kudos. I think I might be bold enough to venture to that new coffee shop! OOOO and I get to finish my Halloween shelf today!!! this is gonna be good! <B
Yesterday I became sluggish, lethargic... both? I hit my slump and I din't know what to do with it. I never have really... I just stop and I can't do much of anything... I did sleep till 6:30 today- is not the schedule I want... so I'll keep pushing my wake time to be later (until I reach 8). It's either that or, pulling my bedtime back... and nobody wants that. I'm sure that if I keep the same bedtime and go through my trials one of the times will just be... right. Should I wake up early, I'll get up that must mean that my body had enough. Today for example, I could have easily slept at least another half hour... but I attribute that to waking up at 12:30 Am due to my eye hurting me again... So I lost a half hour of sleep waiting till the pain subsided.
I really hope they get back with me about my eye exam referral.
I spoke with Best friend about what's been going on with her and what not... that's all I really had to do... I knew that.. I just for whatever reason didn't want to? Odd. We're supposed to hang out soon. I've decided too, that it's also good to have a plan to some degree but you will literally die trying to account for everything. That, being said I want to let things happen organically. Do what I need to but not labor on potential consequences or the potential rewards. But allow for them to just be.
Found lots of new music, been into a lot of score type stuff lately. Reflective of what I'd like to create I suppose. Lot's of Charlie Clouser, and a new score person whose done music for an impressive amount of television his name is C.M. Dess he's even had his music in a Harry potter movie. A lot of the music behind shows I'm finding, are kind of like the writers and more behind the scenes people. I'm fine with that if that's what I become. By all means some people will be curious enough to seek me out. Anyways this stuff is multinstumental and the kind I usually listen to is the electronic metal fusion. It suit for my love for all things rock and electronic... so kudos. I think I might be bold enough to venture to that new coffee shop! OOOO and I get to finish my Halloween shelf today!!! this is gonna be good! <B
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