Omitted results...

Everyone's guilty of this at some point... Withholding important thoughts... Thinking that another person should just "get" something... That's far too much expect from someone... Not all minds are alike... Similar but not exact. If you can't interpret and express feelings and emotions correctly... And at the right times... That's on you. Mind readers are real, for better or otherwise.

I say where I'm at what I need, and look for the right ways to say and ask things... I don't always get it right, that's impossible for any. But when the same idea is proposed time and again... And agreed upon repeatedly... One has every right to be frustrated just as much.

I struggle right now to make a neutral attempt at this... I'm saddened... I'm scared... I'm admittedly always worried deep down... I feel it on my surface right now... I ... Am not a villain... I am just different... Funny on the last day of counseling... I feel a great sorrow... I never know where I'll be  from one day to the next... Always felt a sense of drifting (again always in the back of my mind).

I refuse to be beaten by this state right now.... To panic in quicksand ensures defeat... I'll handle it tomorrow. ... At this moment... I'm not certain wrapping up my help was good... Have to keep moving... A pack or a rogue... .

I know this feeling... Though not as bad as in youth... Its that feeling of shame... Maybe I should be by myself... Yes it'd be a harder road... But ... But.... *sigh*

This feeling, a thick mixture of dark memory, confusion, fear. The winter was never good to me.

I appreciate my chance to free will... I really do... Don't think otherwise.. The fact I have the internet... A haven from the cold... I think about this so much.... To be honest... Its astounding that I am still standing.... I can't let ANYONE tear me down... Work with, sure .

Perhaps I have omitted words too... Is this when I look up into space. Search for my meaning? I was never treated poorly...

But the truth is stunning and I've been pierced. I don't like it... But it is its own. A dose of reality... Needed. Scary... . hungry... Tired...lonely....feeling the emotion of sadness without the actions...

I could go on to site everything I feel... But realize that I am fairly soft right now... Nothing meant with ill intent.

I needed someone to talk to... So I have myself... And this wall I like to mark up. . .

Thx for talking me through this a bit Bry,. Hang in there man.

14 is Falling

Black is December's color

Depressing Color I know... but it is the end of a year. The Color suits it.

Thanksgiving went well.

I ate the most admittedly, I almost puked XD.

the and of this semester beckons as well as the end of my group therapy.

Yet, past mentioned possibilities await.

It's been the best year for me in many away, and I look forward for what's next.

cheers. <B

mystery doors

Scary or fun?

How about both. lately, I've been struggling... not necessarily depressed...
 Well, a little I suppose. but it's a weird manageable issue.

I kind of let myself slip into it. Like this: The fall was around... and to help " get myself excited" I ate crap food, candy etc. I did really good all year without out it... After that came the eye issue... not much to do but sleep eat and listen to music when your eye is in pain and ya can't see... and of course he cold weather/ lack of sun combo. I also fell off my medication for a week.

Last year I did really well, with my basic issues and SAD... it barely affected me at all! I'm banking on my medication being the primary repellent. But I've read up on several things. I'm going all the things I need to be doing to combat it. I'm sunlamping, working out, taking vitamins, antidepressants etc. What I'm not doing too much of though is eating right.

How we acquire our "winter coats" is because of an old survival instinct we have hard wired into us. I've read this and heard this severeal times now. Our bodies, crave starches and other comfort foods. Which gets many into an all too familiar groove... You'll feel bad about it... and do it again and sleep and do it all again and spike some heavy resentment. orrrrrrrrrrr this is common in SAD sufferers more so. I can't speak for all. But Yeah I've been having some DEEP stomach wrenching hungers that aren't even justifiable... and... as I have read... I have been craving the carbs... I'm not one to take all I'm given by the media... but when I do my own research and I see several connections and similarities in data... I store it.

Maybe my SAD has upped itself/? can't say. Feels like it may have.

So I'll follow the steps I have not tried yet, as far as getting a sun alarm. (that's the only real thing that I have not tried).

All I know, more so now than ever, is... I hope to leave to a snow free state in the next 5 years. I want nothing more to do with the extra ups and downs of mood do to weather... I already have my own troubles with that. It can only improve by moving.

But moving... especially out of state can be very scary. I'd want to with my Boyfriend of course... I mean every one, everything I know is here.

I've been reading up on people with SAD and their moving experiences... many found it highly beneficial when they had fled. I read about how one woman did the opposite and moved from California to Michigan.... she said she got slammed with a bad case of it. It's not the Holidays that bother me. I adore them... it's the mental/emotional pandora's box that opens when the fall comes...

I'm truly losing my thirst for fall because of this...

Again when the time comes... I know I'll cry and feel really displaced for a little bit... and that was just switching cities....but somehow... with my ample curiosity I think it'll be better. <B

Level up

2015 goals. (the first half is key)

1. Work with the radio station.
2. Self publish a book of poetry.
3. Learn to drive
4. Join a group of some sort.
5. Get certificate.
6. Figure out next chapter for life.
7. work for Halloween event.
8. get first song  used, and of published.
9. 3 songs a month.
10. Choose (make decisions and stick by them)

Rusted

No, not the most uplifting title. November's color is Brown!!!

Again, another stinging eye.... whatevs.

It's Halloween... it's Halloween... The big H, Samhain, the day of ghosts... Am I over it? Did it really come to me this year?... I'm liable to say no... I don't think so. This whole month.. has come and gone, like a ghost story... sad. but... I don't know... I feel like I'm okay with it in a way. Each year... I feel a little less enamored. I feel that this year it is in part due to my eye, and the high, HIGH expectations I have . Most of my creativity is bleeding into where it should be: my arts. Perhaps I am reaching my newest stage.

I find I'm practical in many ways now. Which is good. But the little boy in me who wants the useless toy gets a little angry sometimes ;p. I'll never let that kid go.. he's really cool. I want to maintain all the me I can be. I've been hearing that time and again... not only from my counseling group.. but from my music teacher. Finding people as passionate for music as I am... well that's very very important. I've not had friends yet who are. It's gotten me through many a hard time... I'm pretty accurate naming artists when I hear them... even if I havn't heard that particular song before. For the longest time... about a decade.. I've not been being me... or I've been desperately trying. All signs point to the path I am headed in. I'm going to go this route... I'm pretty stubborn... so, sooner or later I plan on nailing what I'm going for. You see the music I am trying to make... isn't really for stage performance.. or record release. No, I hope to do it for commercial use, and (after I have seasoned and learned more about the math of it all) scoring films. It's not meant to have lyrics. I think a lot of the people that I have shown my music to in the past... friends and such. didn't know what to say..

1. There are reasons I am awrae of yes... Some people just don't like talking about it... it might just not be their cup of tea.
2. It could have been bad, I'm just starting out anyway,
3. they aren't musicians/ don't have as much of a love for it as you do
4. I didnt and they didn't know what I wanted to do with it. Some friends wondered where the lyrics were... there are none... they are visual enhancements only. 

This is something I'm not 100% certain on. But, I do not believe many people pay too much attention to the music or sounds of a movie... kind of gets lost... I can't blame people for that... we live in an overtly visual and convenient world. I always thought music in films and such were really really cool.

I went back to 1998 and downloaded the Batman Beyond soundtrack.. VERY big deal for me hearing that theme song when I was little I never heard anything like it and wanted more... alas I didn't have the tools nor the thought process in order to achieve it. I do now... It's pretty great... Again, an old friend years ago let me hear a video game soundtrack that he had much passion for and I simply blew it off. I listened to that... I've been listening to it over and over... (Quake soundtracks) I find myself critiquing sounds and music appropriateness of songs... I now I'm not a professional but I still like to try and gauge... for instance I believe that the last resident evil films soundtrack... well that was garbage compared to others.

I feel that there is a legion of cult status innovators in the world I want to enter. The artists who lend their sounds to games, film, T.V. and more. They don't follow rules very well, and a lot of them didn't necessarily have musical backgrounds. They make what sounds good to them.. and the passion with which they do it comes through. One might say.. "If it'e made at a computer that you can't feel it". I disagree. You can usually understand if the persons interest was present in the creation...

Long story short... I'm tunneling into this stuff... I'm pulling what I can into me. I'm ready to talk with other music savvy folks. I want to learn about their stories... their  processes, advice... Musicians are generally open books. Slowly I'm networking :D

I like all types of music... For me- the make or break... are the vocalists... I think that's why I've been into instrumentals.. Music alone is universal... anyone can come up with their own stories, evoke their own feelings... but most of the time... for me: it's the singer who saves or slays my interest.

There's a lot of good music in the top 40 on the radio.. but also a lack of vocabulary, and a lot of copycats. <B

Title

My birthday.. it was a good one but I felt out of it... nothing much has been stirring me... I feel my boyfriends love... I feel a vague sense of life... not sure if it's the weight I gained... or... if I'm having one of my moments where nothing seems to satisfy... I'm prone to impulse currently... I want to buy this, or eat that, or whatever to fill me... Again  feel his love...

I usually feel a sense of ... empty when it turns cold... I hardly cry anymore... but I sometimes wish for that rather than not having the ability to... I used to cry all the time.... Stronger? No, just numb with a nagging feeling like I should be shedding tears. Bipolar isn't a joke... nor is it a definition of someone... But it can be quite the adversary... a mechanical bull... I... just ... I hope that I can have magic one day... My world ... it's getting punctured by reality.. I went from being very talented and original.... to pining to be original and remotely talented... I used to have plans and follow through... now I have fear.. doubt... more than I ever have... as a result I often come off as jaded or hateful of many aspects of humanity. ... I stick in my head awhile... thinking about how people work... and how I work and how I could possibly relate... there's not much.... I also try and catch myself by saying hey... a lot of your favorite things were shut down multiple times before finding their bearings Bry.... Sometimes that's enough.

The grey skies match how I feel... uncertain... cold and empty... accepting the incoming ice to come....

I applaud that I just cleaned a little bit... and that I'm writing this though... good job... I've pushed it really hard... was just going to go to bed already... that's all I've been wanting is to sleep and eat... I don't want to get back on that train.... I just got off it for a really good while. But even when I am at my favorite physique ... it doesn't matter... everything doesn't clear up...The blow of all the things I feel though becomes lighter.... so that's something. My brain is triggering thoughts that are telling me how good self defeat might taste... telling me to eat wrong... to sleep after and a sleep all day because I "messed up" Nope... I'll never forgive my father... he gave me too many issues that have lasted too long...

I'm sure people have felt like failures before they've begun.... I'm trying to keep my head above water....