3 months

Yeah, that's seriously the best that I have in terms of creativity. That title sucks, pardon it please?


But anyways at the time of my writing this we stand 3 months from my favorite day. I'm not sure if I've expressed this, but as I grow a bit more refined in my taste and what not. I am slowly gravitating more towards savoring the anticipation of the day itself.

What does this mean? Well, it's pretty much as it sounds... I'm looking forward to looking forward to the greatest day of the year. Not only is is my favorite but it is the gateway to my my other two favorite holidays: X-mas and Saint Patrick's day.

I love living in the anticipation of it, rather than the day itself being at hand. If anything I often times feel myself to be slightly depressed the day of Halloween itself, because I know I'll have to wait AGAIN!

Why do I even like the day so much? I can't really explain it without a comparison. To me it's much like a comfort food, a security blanket, and mental vacation all in one. Knowing what those things are and their purposes should help to better define what it is to me. Also, most everyone has that one defining thing about them that they are known for. I'd like to think that I have adopted a holiday as my 'persona'.

As I've aged... I've started accepting my quirks. That's not to say that I'm still not sensitive. I am, that's just one facet of myself  that makes me, me. But rather than necessarily feeling paranoid about reacting or responding to something in a way that reflects my personality I am more proud to let people know about my interest.

This time around I feel like I understand that I am "different" and the likelihood of that ever changing is very insignificant. I accept that just as I can't understand why people would vote for the current president, or support guns, or try to overbear and control the lives of others... that those people most likely can't understand why I love a childish holiday to the extent that I do, why I love music that isn't kind to the general public's ears, and why I don't abide by other imperative norms.

But I have to be myself and stay true to it as much as possible no matter the dislike that it may or may not foster. I know that for the most part I am a very niche character (I might even type-cast myself a bit) and that I will have more frequent disagreements than most.

The pay off to this is: less self resentment, and allowing those who will appreciate me to find me. Most every star (especially of the more bizarre variety) just did as they needed and felt.

I once heard that as a person, most people's personalities have solidified by the end of their twenties, and I would agree with this on a personal level.



ONE A LESS DEEP NOTE!

I finished up the summer semester as of 2 weeks ago. I survived both with scary results... AA!
Haha, fooled ya. I got an A in the both of the couple of courses I took. In one, a solid A, and the other an A-. I was stunned by that last one, I swore that I would have gotten a B at best. but yeah! pulled it off!

Just last week I met with my new counselor... honestly I think that what I will have to (and should do) is switch counselors every 3 years, unless results are markedly presented.

Okay, 30 minute timer is up, that's all for right now. I'll attempt this more frequently, but now I'll just say: No promises.

Take it easy!

Lovely day for a Gatling gun

bang bang bang bang!

A lot has happened  and not happened lol. I spelled that wrong twice in a row... But yeah. I've been doing more stuff than usual and it's become quite a journey. Allowing myself to open more... to feel more. It's really fascinating what I'm learning that I have lost for quite awhile. The acting class is extracting some interesting qualities from my pretty secretive life... But I love it... the things hardest to do usually have a great pay off. It starts off as fear.. and then anxiety, followed by pain... and then clarity.

So much clarity in fact... not a ton... but not all is clear all the time. I stood before my class in my self- management class, and she raved about my poetry... It's the thing that's made the most sense to me for the biggest portion of my life... but I always pushed it away as a pipe dream... and a waste of time... I spent so much time trying to integrate and masquerade as many other things... (a director, a clubber, a psychologist, and most recently.... a musician. This uh bipolar disorder... not to blame it all in this... hinders the stability of self image... it's a known system... But when I catch things that make sense and click they are cherished grand discoveries that I don't take lightly, but celebrate. While, I am not the best with punctuation and other facets of writing that I will have to work on. I have a smooth sense of wording... Yes the thing that has always felt right... didn't feel fake about myself was my writing. I mean, I love pens and empty notebooks... there's just soo much possibility and I just want to smother their pages with ink. Many revelations.. chances and thoughts .

But, that explains that.. concise and to the point I feel. I'm a writer and that's that.

What's been happening and is going to happen? I've started meeting some really cool people. Today might consist of the following: South Lyon Pumpkinfest, pants shopping, and seeing mom. Tomorrow, is a lunar eclipse :), Full BLOOD MOON the last one has not happened in 33 years!, then Monday Will be packed with the secretary of state, the social security office for a new social security card, and counseling, rewarded by the witches night out with ace people. Tuesday get your fix... it's national coffee day.
Thursday is going to be my second acting thing, but the rough draft of it. My character is uptight and fed up... perfect! The couple people that saw us practicing liked it.
The weekend I will go to my second poetry event and this time I will read more confidently. I have to start attending more of these things and make my name a little more known. And placing myself in more situations for networking purposes. Shouldn't be extremely taxing considering Ann Arbor is fairly literate.
The weekend after that there is a tentative Halloween Gathering.
And then the weekend after that is Halloweekends! One of the major staples as it is for my birthday.

Running to Ambient

I don't recommend running to ambient music, it's only irritating.

It's been about two weeks, (I cheated, I read the last date I published.) A lot of thoughts and things have just "been there".

After Christmas, new years, winter semester starting where am I?

I'm there man... I'm totally there XD

Where?... Where are you Bry?

A weird head space. Where I'm more balanced than I have been in the past and more alert of certain things. But I'm not as receptive some days.. most of these frost and drear laden days.

Rewind....

I've begun my yearly staggering a bit. I didn't immediately find my balance and I still have not polished it.. I'm closer mind you. It's hard for me to enjoy some things on some days... these days are a little bit of an imploding grenade for me (self destructive). I say, I'll take it easy on myself... That I'm tired and my focus is very little. So, I'll try and present the idea of chilling out and staying idol to myself... Should I take the bait, a strong feeling of guilt, or self disappointment ensues. It's not debilitating. But it is rather counterproductive.

I know I'm not alone in this.

I need to return to the drawing board. Literally. I'm a lister.. A person who thrives on order and plans... Also a person who gets put off fairly easily by redirecting. Think of a car going as fast as it can and then slamming on the breaks as it turned. That's what it's like.

So I've established that I can have my balance and my order... but I Have tunnel vision, when I get things in my head... they get glued all over the walls like fliers for some indie band in a bar.

I'm getting better about slowing down and turning... Maybe that's the issue... I mean I can only blame so much on the weather, or bipolar... the doc says I do everything pretty well, that I'm very healthy...

My counselors have said that they think I am ready to get out there and make stuff happen. I am,

And lastly, on this specific subject there's one thing I have to remind myself of... It's only January. Patience.

"but, but But... Now?"

"what you want and what you need can be achieved.. but you need to keep giving it time and energy."

Doubts, are a useless item... sometimes I'm aware of that... When I say this I Have a little ... mantra? I guess that's the word... Leave no room for doubt, and in my head I'm thinking about coffee.. Doubt will change you, and add unhealthy qualities.

I think I've decided (after some real thinking, talking with people online and common sense)... that making a song and tossing it out every 10 days should not be considered.. no... Not yet at least.

How i let the notion of quality over quantity slip my head I do not know. A song is done, when you feel that it is the best and it sounds just right to you in every way... if it's not? then it's back to the computer. I really met up with this thought a couple of days ago, when I was going to put up a new song... and it wasn't done... it wasn't coming together. I erased a lot of it... added a lot of new things, and almost completed changed the entire song last minute... I was far more impressed... with where it is GOING. It's not done... and I don't plan to abandon it. I feel to strongly about it having he potential I see in it to carelessly toss in mismatched pieces just for the sake of saying " look what I did".

In the future, after some growth, and experience.. Then maybe  can toss out a little bi more and say, hey... I can do this a bit faster now.

Well, I'm off to battle the nasty thing that is S.A.D.   who knows, maybe I'll go somewhere to help inspire, and or wake me up! ~_~

Level up

2015 goals. (the first half is key)

1. Work with the radio station.
2. Self publish a book of poetry.
3. Learn to drive
4. Join a group of some sort.
5. Get certificate.
6. Figure out next chapter for life.
7. work for Halloween event.
8. get first song  used, and of published.
9. 3 songs a month.
10. Choose (make decisions and stick by them)

patch work

After my class yesterday... or during rather- either or. I talked over a very present feeling I have been tossing around in my head about the music.

I've expressed my sometimes apathetic feeling about trying... and that I repeatedly challenge those doubts with statements like:


Sure, you can't lose if you don't try... but you also can't go anyway...

So many things that music requires also apply to musicianship. It's an eye opener. Music, especially for a complete newcomer needs practice... practice takes patience, and patience is acquired through discipline. I keep getting more and more. Feeling that things are running in a a great big circle. That a lot of what I am uncovering is very relevant to each other.

Back to my talk with my instructor. He basically reaffirmed all that I just said.

I've been opening my ears to so much more music and finding things I probably would not have listened to in the past. Lately a lot of what I've been listening to is pretty mellow... or- not what I would expect I'd be listening to a year ago.

This music is great... it's giving me feelings... I can't express.. it's been years since music has evoked deep feelings... Yeah, sure, I'd have many rebel anthems, and songs of standing back up cued on my mp3 player... but not too much that made me think and made me feel a deep sincerity.

One goal I have in what ever my musical endeavors turns out be that I can reach people and do for them what my influences have done for me. I want to reach out and be involved with them.. My instructor stressed the importance of community yesterday as well.. on how it helps you to keep learning, helps them to learn, and ultimately networks you and helps you do better.

I'm very lucky I have a supportive boyfriend behind me in this. Perhaps with the coming days, I'll have made some friends that are similar in that regard. perhaps some friends with music interest in my classes.

But digging further into where I want to be... rather than further into myself ... oh... it's scary but feels..right.  I can't wait to try my hand at the radio station of my school. and see what I do. I was thinking of calling my hour Ecclectica (an hour of difference.)

The thought is to use this time as experience with the equipment, getting some music people might not know about into their ears, and being a little self-promotional. I would largely start it out by playing the music I listen to, all of the genres. I would try and play about 1 or 2 known songs for every song of mine. That way people might be more inclined to stay and investigate. As for the self promotion, I think it'd be really cool to kind of wedge some of my stuff in as filler or background when I talk (if I do). I'm constantly trying to connect people to music when I can so this might be a VERY great way of doing so.

Sounds ambitious... ^_^

I also think that it is really cool what my final project will be for my art appreciation class. I'm going to make a poem and a song... They will be related... I'm going to probably make the song first and then right a poem based off of that or vice versa. So- hopefully what should be something fun for the rest of the class. considering I only talk to one person in it  and most others will be drawing or painting.

RANDOM RANT 2: THE SHORTS OF IT.

People... especially of my age group.. I politely inquire... Why are you wearing shorts in this subarctic weather? Why are your coats gently collecting dust on the rack? I see you fine, and oblivious from the slit in my ski mask, 3 layers of jacket , and mittens... is it because warm doesn't look cute? Do you suffer for the aesthetic? Hmmmm you're probably not from here... we do live in Ann Arbor.... <B

Youth In Asia

now, say as one word. (Euthanasia)

been an interesting week... Two weeks? idk. So, holding on in vain last week... getting a couple ounces of sleep... I managed to become in severe pain... so much so that I became physically sick and was barfing... AGAIN!!! man... So, one really unscheduled trip to see the nicest eye doc ever and we removed the bandage contact... The net day I did in fact have the eye surgery... they scraped off the surface of my cornea so that it could grow back  anew. Then they put on a new contact... It's been getting progressively better... Today I am supposed to go in get it looked at... well, more so an hour from now :D. I actually like going to the doctor... maybe it's because I don't normally have to visit.

Other than that I've been kind of a recluse... only for the sake of my eye... keeping it from the light and anything that would strain it worse than it already was.

um... that's all... I set 3 more classes for myself next semester... debating a fourth which would make me a full time student at that point. I might just do that.

But for now... just trying to prepare in many ways for 2015. less than 50 days from now already.

I've got some ideas up my sleeve about strengthening discipline yadda yadda... I feel that dscipline teaches you to enjoy more... that when you finally do get something... it's far more impressive in it's own special way... that and when I m not "in focus" I have a nagging feeling that something is amiss.

I finished my first song... the first of many that I completed made from scratch... no loops and anything pre made .

Take a listen

It's called Blaspheme <B

Rusted

No, not the most uplifting title. November's color is Brown!!!

Again, another stinging eye.... whatevs.

It's Halloween... it's Halloween... The big H, Samhain, the day of ghosts... Am I over it? Did it really come to me this year?... I'm liable to say no... I don't think so. This whole month.. has come and gone, like a ghost story... sad. but... I don't know... I feel like I'm okay with it in a way. Each year... I feel a little less enamored. I feel that this year it is in part due to my eye, and the high, HIGH expectations I have . Most of my creativity is bleeding into where it should be: my arts. Perhaps I am reaching my newest stage.

I find I'm practical in many ways now. Which is good. But the little boy in me who wants the useless toy gets a little angry sometimes ;p. I'll never let that kid go.. he's really cool. I want to maintain all the me I can be. I've been hearing that time and again... not only from my counseling group.. but from my music teacher. Finding people as passionate for music as I am... well that's very very important. I've not had friends yet who are. It's gotten me through many a hard time... I'm pretty accurate naming artists when I hear them... even if I havn't heard that particular song before. For the longest time... about a decade.. I've not been being me... or I've been desperately trying. All signs point to the path I am headed in. I'm going to go this route... I'm pretty stubborn... so, sooner or later I plan on nailing what I'm going for. You see the music I am trying to make... isn't really for stage performance.. or record release. No, I hope to do it for commercial use, and (after I have seasoned and learned more about the math of it all) scoring films. It's not meant to have lyrics. I think a lot of the people that I have shown my music to in the past... friends and such. didn't know what to say..

1. There are reasons I am awrae of yes... Some people just don't like talking about it... it might just not be their cup of tea.
2. It could have been bad, I'm just starting out anyway,
3. they aren't musicians/ don't have as much of a love for it as you do
4. I didnt and they didn't know what I wanted to do with it. Some friends wondered where the lyrics were... there are none... they are visual enhancements only. 

This is something I'm not 100% certain on. But, I do not believe many people pay too much attention to the music or sounds of a movie... kind of gets lost... I can't blame people for that... we live in an overtly visual and convenient world. I always thought music in films and such were really really cool.

I went back to 1998 and downloaded the Batman Beyond soundtrack.. VERY big deal for me hearing that theme song when I was little I never heard anything like it and wanted more... alas I didn't have the tools nor the thought process in order to achieve it. I do now... It's pretty great... Again, an old friend years ago let me hear a video game soundtrack that he had much passion for and I simply blew it off. I listened to that... I've been listening to it over and over... (Quake soundtracks) I find myself critiquing sounds and music appropriateness of songs... I now I'm not a professional but I still like to try and gauge... for instance I believe that the last resident evil films soundtrack... well that was garbage compared to others.

I feel that there is a legion of cult status innovators in the world I want to enter. The artists who lend their sounds to games, film, T.V. and more. They don't follow rules very well, and a lot of them didn't necessarily have musical backgrounds. They make what sounds good to them.. and the passion with which they do it comes through. One might say.. "If it'e made at a computer that you can't feel it". I disagree. You can usually understand if the persons interest was present in the creation...

Long story short... I'm tunneling into this stuff... I'm pulling what I can into me. I'm ready to talk with other music savvy folks. I want to learn about their stories... their  processes, advice... Musicians are generally open books. Slowly I'm networking :D

I like all types of music... For me- the make or break... are the vocalists... I think that's why I've been into instrumentals.. Music alone is universal... anyone can come up with their own stories, evoke their own feelings... but most of the time... for me: it's the singer who saves or slays my interest.

There's a lot of good music in the top 40 on the radio.. but also a lack of vocabulary, and a lot of copycats. <B

Working with Dix

Oh, grow up!

I can't I won't.. not at all. Today I pushed forth some effort in the form of an application. I think I impressed the boss. I used some humor, some smiles, and I typed up the printed filled out app. She was impressed by all of this even my field of study :). The catch is there will be so many dicks at this place... like for real.. I applied for a job at cirilla's (It's a sex shop)... Little ol me selling an array of dirty tools. muahaha. I'd have a fairly good insight I feel.. I've experimented in some weird things... 0.o and I've always been willing to share with those who have the ears to listen. I mean using fake blood, for "alone time" how many people can say they've done that... okay, how many people would admit to it if they had...? Then there's me... I'd have too much fun I'd want to know how all of the products worked! Gotta know your product inside and out right?!?!? XD PUNNNNNNN!
So, that's good.

Music is only getting better for me. I'm learning to rely on loops less. I'm making very simple tunes and the like but I'm still producing fairly cohesive sounds.. I've found I can do some really cool things... and the more I experiment the more, that I dig into it everyday... I get into a groove and it's like I'm a gamer.. a productive gamer- which is far more gratifying. My BF's friend had told him that he has a cousin or what not that is certified in HVAC and is having a hard time trying to find work. So.. This gives me greater hope... The combined forces of my interest for expansion, that little bi of knowledge and the fact the even Wallside Windows has some pretty heavy electronic beats in their commercials all help. I mean COME ON! I even heard crazy dubstep music on the commercial for the channel 2 news!

Health is interesting... both mental and physical.. I'm going to an optometrist, my regular doctor, the dentist, and probably a nutritionist and a couple of other specialists soon too possibly... I want to optimize both my body and it's energy. I've been following all I can get by word of doctor and self research... not buying into the gluten free hype.

I'm not popeye I don't eats me spinach. <B

Quite possible...

Anything, as long as you put your mind to it right?

"Where there's a will there's a way"... "All you have to do is want something, and then let yourself have it!! okay, so that last one was the grandmother from Halloween town explaining spells- SO WHAT?!? Same principle. I'm at a power struggle I am, I am!

What is it now Bry?!?! Identity. I've had a very flimsy definition of self- for ... forever really. All I know is I classify myself as different... a bit eccentric.. confused.. immature... kinda responsible? Point that I'm attempting to make is... How does one strive for their own path when they don't really know whose path they are looking for... and I don't want to pull my disorder card (but I will). Bi-polar messes with consistency.. if you know me you know this. This might be one of the many reasons I plant myself so deep into Halloween... it's all I know I have... at the end of highschool... I never payed mind to what came next... things kinda slid down the hill. But I did have plans and things I oddly enough did... I feed on constructive criticism... I keep biting dry sources. I tried to watch a video about HVAC by the way... B-o-R-i-N-g Maybe it's cuz I'm hands on? idk... All I know is I want to make some good choices now... Isn't life all about trade offs really?

Eat that cake- it's delicious... but there's the guilt. Oooo a pleasant sugar buzz too but no good. Relating to my epiphany.. I can choose the one I would snooze over work for someone, Know my day almost everyday... be exhausted- that's my interpretation of HVAC.

It's finer points are the fact I'd have a set structure.. which I do well with. I'd get vacations, weekends off...  But then... I KNOW I'd always question what if about the music. I'm sure I'll do that in what ever direction I move but that's just how I am. Ponder...ponder...ponder. My  gut is broken of late... can't follow it.

When I dropped out of High school... I knew I was going back that same year and graduating.. I felt like I was making a terrible mistake and I almost cried that day... But! I stuck to my plan... I just barely got accepted (the final class I needed had a last slot open..) but I achieved it.. I did this with a care free attitude and when people seemed shocked or worried that I bailed for those few months telling me "Make sure you go back" or "hope you know what's best for you". I Didn't care... I had a plan... and also, I had free time. Maybe the over analyzing is what's keeping me at a stalemate...

Unfortunately, the way I learn a (mass) majority of the time is through crash and burn. I've been getting better about reconfiguration of things... short term... heh.. THIS is why going on a long journey for a degree would kill me.... I've very nearly used the aid allotted for the certificates... I can imagine the circles I run in dialing up my loans if I didn't have a roof I'll hit soon.

So, I think I just have to live... it seemed to work before. Easier said than done.  I mean could I be a writer? Is that even a valid option? ... random thought..

I've been dodgey of people due to being highly unsure of all of these things... which is sad cuz I want to show people how cool I can be. I keep meeting people who are gifted... or have their things... their talents... I... don't know what I'm good at... I have a tot's attention span... the soul of a jaded old man, the heart of a child, I'm pretty sure my brain is just this weird mixed media soup, and the curiosity of a cat. I have no clue what my calling is these things considered. I can write and kind of make music... But that's all I am really good at...

As much as I want to float and say that everything will meld.. like I did with school... My defenses are hair triggered. Maybe I should lay back... thinking about this all day everyday... trying to burn both ends of the candle... new blog soon.. more light-hearted... involving my membership to the motor city haunt club, the halloween garage sale, my new friend, and more <B

Such a tease

COME'ON!!! I'm already indecisive!

I woke up up today a little grumpy... let's just say it's appearance anger lol. Hey, it happens. Got a lot done within the last 7 hours. I did my exercising, and then I tore into it. I checked into craigslist and found a potential job at Wiard's as a monster for the haunted attraction "Horror Nights". Indecision strikes again... Something I want to taste...yet it cock blocks 2 of the things I've been after all year. Halloweekends.. and potentially the Halloween greenfield village with the kids... So, I'll weigh everything out and I'll just go through the motions. I'll go, I'll apply and see how flexible theey are, perhaps I can have my birthday weekend off? At least my birthday? We'll see I might only be able to make the weekends (excluding friday) anyways as the horror begins at 7:15pm. I don't drive, and the bf doesn't get home usually till about an hour before. 

I also found about about the haunted garage sale this weekend in Bellville... OMG! I can find some people who get me... good, great! ^_^ It seems like it organized by some people called the Motor City Haunt Club. Maybe I can join? So what's the biggest part of the day regarding said indecision? Well I was doing the research over the fields I could potentially study... Looking at my first pick, the Audio engineer, and the HVACR I saw something interesting... they are about on the same level of pay, and need. I took a look at something I never saw on my schools site. The information it gives is the percentage of students surveyed who said that they found jobs, and both were at 100% Engineering said that they found work within 180 days. HVACR said they found work within 100 days. Now... I'm a little skeptical of either move. Both seem to be on the same level. Both have the same potential for downfall. Oy Vey. <B

Uncle Anger Pancakes

mmmm pancakes

Wow... I don't even remember what I last talked about, I'm too lazy to look . OH! it's been like... saturday.. ish? Little has changed... a lot more self discovery as the norm for this year I'm pleased to say. 

Driving, I'm good at turning, I'm intimidated in some areas though. but otherwise I'm good, when I achieve this, the feat of being able to drive- I will have accomplished 95% percent of all goals this year. The other 5? I need a tooth guard to I don't grind my teeth away. On Monday... er... yesterday I had a really good and well needed conversation with my college adviser. Turns out there are some moth holes in the plan I had spun to attempt a couple of certificates simultaneously. Turns out for what I am looking for, I am only allotted so many credit hours... Most certificates range from 15 to 20 credits... I've done 37 and most of them were failed attempts at what I thought I wanted. So, I have about enough credits to fulfill one certificate... The specifics of that is a mystery but I'm going to study up. I might have mentioned at least one other route, Heating, ventilation, and cooling. Well, that is something I'm keeping as a prospect- front of the line in fact. But again, going to look into other fields. What I need from the work will be the following:

1. I feel I need to be behind the scenes, like a repair person- a specialist in the shadows... kinda like a reverse assassin. You know, fixing things instead of killing them? Bah, you're no fun.
2. This next one kind of ties into the first one. I want to be able to maintain myself and whatever fashion I so choose. if I want sleeves of tats so be it. 
3. I want something that will give me money of course. While I really wanted to do music there was/is no guarantee I would make it unlike a skilled trade.  

Now, I'm not throwing out the music aspect of things... it will still be a part of me as much as my writing... (which  I've been neglecting to learn more about music) but it will stay a hobby for a minute. You see the reason I want a job that can fulfill some fairly good income is that I have high hopes for going back and taking the classes for the music production by paying for it. That is, if I'm still into it- digging the idea whatever you wanna call it. I felt growth in the very instant of meeting... The words fell from my mouth with such ease admitting that I should steadfast to a trade,.. at least for awhile. - Of course, holding the fire of the dwindling aid beneath is assisting in my decisions. But Everything I said and thought converged. - Try later. 

Ohhh that's about it... I got a new hat today... tonight's a full moon, the air is very comforting, I've got a lovely caramel apple for devouring, Ummmm yes- food. Along with having a good amount of sleep. I've been trying o allow myself to indulge a little more. I've had a lot more energy and been happier. I mean I have my moments where I look at my tummy and I get paranoid... but for anyone who's ever known me... gut or not- I'll probably see one anyway... which I'm also going to address with a nutritionist! after all these years the root of many of my evils might be decoded. A LOT of my bad moods and what not have been due to my weight and self consciousness - Always talking about food (whether love or hate). So yeah, finally getting this in the open should really help me be more hospitable. 

Fall is fighting... it's calming down... I keep saying it... but I think it's close... Fall... Halloweekends opens this friday. Still need to find someone to tag along to cedar point for my B-day next month... I'll cross my fingers but my friend count went down again... not even because I was mean or anything... what a drag! I'm handling it fairly well though and that's all that matters. OH I met some cool people in my classes perhaps I can collect them?!?! ...oh that was creepy... REDO: Maybe I could be friends with them. (Much better) Both super nice... and one of them... oh man... one has a vicious sweet tooth too... peer pressure- I can feel it already. <B

clap CLap CLAP

Obvious that yesterday wasn't the greatest? Yeah thought so lol.

Well, I opted out last minute of technical communications and signed up for art appreciation. Which seemed good at the time. But when I got there most of the students were people who were taking the class not for their love of art but because they wanted a blow off humanities class. Aye,. I was really hoping to meet some people really into art in the class. In the one class I had I seem to identify most with the oldest lady in the class. Which makes complete sense. I'm not fond of most people my own age, all of them... too loud of a bunch. yo can be fun and stuff without being obnoxious lol,

I'm going to my music programming and sequencing class today. This should go a lot more smoothly because the people in this class should genuinely want to be there. I have some time before class today. So let's see what that leads to yeah? I'm going to apply the idea of starting out working on each project for about half an hour at a time. As I have said I have a very limited energy reserve as well as attention span... combine the two... and you get the opposite of productivity. One of the biggest things that I am trying to accomplish.

What and who I want to be are clearly defined in my head. It's kind of like when you see something in your head.. now comes the task of translating that into reality. I want to be healthy, check... I want to have enough energy... [x] I want to have made sure that I am getting done what I feel I need to [x]. All things aside I cleared my dry erase board and felt justifiably done with my day :). I want to be a fun and friendly person- to do so I must first be at peace with myself, and earlier said energy. For me to be at peace I must be able to balance and get done all that I need to. I have this strict parent figure in my head... it pushes me to live harder and faster.. That's how I initially lost weight. Sadly it not only distorted views but it also gave me a tunnel view. I would like to open my eyesight but I seem to draw into one thing at a time and disregard other aspects. Kind of like the bettering myself... I find it a tad more important than being social for the time being.

I'm going to need a lot of patience with myself in the coming weeks as I am trying to exact what the issue is with my energy levels as they are a key component in everything. ... A zen if you will. There's no way I want to commit to anything too big until I get the handle on myself that I need... Or I will inevitably fall flat on the affair whatever that might be. Know your armor and it's weak spots. I DEFINITELY NEED to be in prime condition within 34 days (October).

yep :) <B

seems so real

This is gonna be quick and clean...

Yesterday was ick, BUT today should be good :). I'm going to the doctor in just a couple of minutes to hopefully get some light shed on my circumstances... See if if I'm doing everything okay and what not. It's very important because I'm apparently very healthy physically... But the attic is pretty dusty.. so maybe she can help me, perhaps not. either way. I need to figure this stuff out.

That aside, my little bundle of joy should be on it's way. Loot crate. Ummmmm and I might get my hair cut... the deciding factor will be how it feels out when I come back.. if it's still gross then I'm gonna hide.

How rude summer! Take back august and from what the weather says a part of September? NO!

Excited and nervous about monday... and hesitant... it's supposed to be so hot and sticky!!!!! I'm interested in what the life blood of this technical writing class is though. I'm more excited about my engineering class on Tuesday though.

My curiosity can go either way. It's good that I ask questions still and seek the answers out... but sometimes it saps out time and energy. And then there's my SHORT attention span. I have many projects right now and all of them are a quarter to half way done at best. It's not like I don't know where I'm going with them... I do. It's just that I want something new and exciting that I do not have yet.... My story I know I want it as a comic. but I don't know how to do the paneling conversations for the writing . Or what I was the first issue to encompass. I know that it needs to have something that would pull you in and keep you in place so that you would want to come back to that world until it closed up. I also know that I want to have a couple ..."spin-offs" It's all very mythical. It has interlocking characters and each story would have a very distinct tone to it. I want the one I am working on to have a british dark humor to be the main feel. But also have elements of happiness, horror, love, a little bit of everything. I the next one to be complete dark humor, I want another to be highly fantasy inspired and serious. there's one also I want to do something with involving the character father time. I want that to be a self-against-self type of story fantasy humor my idea for that one thus far.

Lastly I have an Idea for a moan who plants bombs in a very specific and unsuspecting, everyday, household item. There are a rash of these bombings.... that's all I have for that.

I have many song titles and songs I want to finish. I feel that my classes will help me out with that so... not only should they be done... but done more effectively than I could now.

It's quite obvious why poetry worked out so well for me and that is largely, because of it's ability to be as short or long as I need to be- tell a story and close in one to three sittings. It is fast and powerful like a machine gun. <B

gum chewer

I HAVE NO IDEA- I've had a bout with melancholy lately, or at least that's what I think this is.

*looks it up*

okay, Maybe I meant lethargic? Well, anyways, extremely tired for no apparent reason... and when I'm not spewing yawns into the air, I'm looking at things... just looking, not really seeing. This happens to me on and off though. Something that's really old. I've also been rather forgetful, inattentive, unfocused, zoned out. If ever there are times that I "feel like a zombie" these are it. I don't really get it ya know? I do things right for the most part. Go to bed at the same time, wake up the same time, work out, eat vegetables proteins and whole grains. I have even gotten to the point where I have a daily map that I follow, I know all of the times I'm going to eat and they are all spaced out 3 hours apart.

Time to see my mechanic [Doctor] again. She was fairly certain last time that it was because I was readjusting to getting up that early and also that I had not been getting enough protein.. But now I've accomplished those things amongst others.

Class starts soon which I'm not too dreading actually. if anything it will gift me with some skills (which is how you "should" look at school anyway) While I only have a week left I'm okay with that... maybe I can just do nothing with it and overdose this little funk I'm in haha. BAM BAM!! I get to see some of my friends before I go back, but not all of them sadly. Oh well, I'll seeya when I seeya. Another delightful thing about school is it will be at it's very end... I hate august... there's nothing to do really until it's over. then come the labor day festivals that say, the SUMMER'S DEAD! LONG LIVE THE FALL!! Which if everything goes well there are at least four things in the cards for the season, Greenfield village, Halloweekends, Cidermills, and maybe Chicago- Love that place.

HALLOWEEN decor has started to make it's way into stores, shades of orange and black are sneaking through. did I say that I'm REALLY easily distracted lately? ... But I'm not sure if that's new or if it's just haywire..... both. I have managed to find some forums (yeah remember those?) where I have found people after my own heart ... or however that saying goes.  I mean ... For the most part I have always said and felt as though I was apart from other people... While that will always be true in some regards does not mean that I have to suffer through and not find those who are enthusiastic about common ground! They exist... tried posted somethings on a Halloween forum and I got some really lovely responses. It helps it really does.

I read that it can be rather damaging to some artist's motivation to not be recognized for it. Some can turn that into inspiration to do better but I am not the latter. I hope to make friends who are nourishing, creative and can help me expand... give some constructive criticism the good and the bad. I have had some friends that I will share my stuff with and they'll blankly stare out into space.. I'll be waiting for a response... and not much of anything... blah. So, I've found my Halloween crowd. Now, I need to network with real life like minds. Should be interesting to say the least. This will be something I'll need to push myself into perhaps the most that I have ever needed to. Because It's a meetup group and masses ummm intimidate.

Dreary day, candle shopping, possible painting and other stuff? Next month's color is blue, because I color code my year... it's true for like 7 years. OCD and BPD. <B