J is for Jester

So today, is off to a good start.

It's sunny, the sky is blue, and I have ideas.

The ideas I have include further sprucing up my little "office" By adding some bright colors for some color psychology if you will.

I want to make sure to try different colors of bright poster boards and see how that goes.

But it should definitely help to improve things I believe.

I am a little back and forth.. off topic with any one thought.

That much is apparent.

But I have energy! So yeah!

I think as a plan D. I will try and do overnights.

I really want a job that involves moving. Which is funny because what I ultimately want to do is sit a desk and point and click and type away all day. BUT! While venting and creating. Pretty different from the average office job.

If I don not find something by the end of wither this month or next. I will be nightshift bound... and if it becomes a problem this time around then I will just need to fix it.

I realize one of the reasons as to why I am a little bummed lately... it's the dumb friend thing. I want to have friends especially now that it's nice out but that's whatever. I gotta keep telling myself that I can use that to my advantage. Everything has it's plus and minuses.. I need to believe that but.,... all humans need to be social to some degree.

and I truly need to block everything out to get ahead on my path... do worry about who's doing what... or who's going where... or what you are lacking... Much like when I used to walk really long distances... I'd keep going. Why? because I wanted what I wanted and I knew I was the only one who could do it for me. Funny how when I was younger I understood that more and I worked with it more..

But back then it was more of a coping mechanism. Because I feel that when the initial shocks of  my family fall outs settled I let those thoughts go, or at least grow soft. I'm slowly uncovering those shards... and those brought a sense of strength and obliviousness to me that attracted people to me... because I didn't really care about the rest of the world... I just did what I liked and I liked what I did... But when I really started to "fit in"... I lost my fight a bit. I gave my all to my friends at the time. I still would in all honestly... but I need to come first nowadays... because I have goals I musn't let be tampered with... I've done my math and heard that for successful people being selfish in some matters is perfectly normal. Makes sense, like if someone makes food and you won't eat it because you're watching your waist... might hurt them... but you have your own agenda... they'll get over it... but if you have that food... it'll probably leave a problem in your head for longer than it would that person you said no to.

Holding ground...  If I really want this I can't be wishy washy.

Suck at hide and seek

Yeah, I can't hide very well.

it's definitely needed in real life. Oddly enough, you need to be some degree of "fake" in the "real" world. I've always found the concept concerning. I've also find it odd how people let one aspect of themselves become the main presentation of them self ... which is not usually noticed by them...

Is it clear that I'm no entirely focused today? yep. Sho is. So, what I'm ultimately getting at is, that I like being able to be me, say what I want and whatever. there's a nagging sense of insincerity otherwise. I mean, I feel, for the most part that I can't-" just be "sometimes. (this is usually when I'm a bit down... which the winter is assisting me greatly with.) Example... In my classes ... it's so quiet and people really don't talk to each other. When I do I have major communication break downs... but they are guys, so there's that normal obstacle for me. I know we have common interests because of the class.. but it doesn't really extend into genres. So beyond wanting to create music... there's nothing... Do I say.... How bout that super plate sunday? Oh... yeah bowl... *awkwardly darts off*

When I do feel inclined to let me out... I just feel like a bass in a world of treble.. (I just learned that treble is easily absorbed by objects whereas bass cuts through.) I feel unstoppable.

It's very obvious at this point in time that I keep my eye on my actions. because that's the only way to stop and or fix something. I'm trying to listen to what my heart, head, and body say all at once. Everyone would be a little bit better, but the truth is one or two are often overlooked or locked up. People don't want to let out emotion, or people don't want to look dumb, or people push their physical limits until they crash... I'm trying to listen.... These three things I feel are a core basis of everything. Because everything starts with the individual.

Again, I have lost track.

But I guess not really. this entry is just a therapeutic remedy at the moment. I need to talk and hear myself so to speak. I've quick caffeine, rather I'm in the process of. I've been doing research on how to guard myself from old man winter's psychological attacks. Sapping energy, motivation, interest. I've read coffee as being good, and bad. Good because it helps stimulate happy parts of your brain. Bad because it is much like a drug, and you hit further down once the initial kick dies off. Which, is very tricky at this point in time. I can't have it. I've also began to listen to psybient, goa trance, and some other light variations of electronic music. I use it in the morning before I work out to just think. It's very good for thinking because it sounds nice and smooth and it's not over stimulating.

I had to back off from one of my classes... One I knew in the back of my head that I should never have taken, at least not this semester. trust yourself. I knew back then that, that specific class with my current frame of mind would be too cumbersome.

BUUUUT let's talk about some positive stuff now. I'm learning some cool stuff in class, I like my teachers. I feel I'm getting better but. I'm severely impatient and just want to be "there". Ummmm It's almost Valentine's day (my 2nd favorite holiday) and that is right after, ... FRIDAY THE 13th!!! I like to try and regard these as mini Halloweens. And then... there's another fri 13th before my 3rd favorite holiday St' patricks day... Oh and I'm Going to VEGAS in just 4 weeks. At least January is over... the worst month of the year is done... It's getting lighter earlier holidays are popping up.

Lastly, I finally have contact with the school radio station, and I should have a slot on Thursday at 5pm I believe. It will be called EclecticA and it will last for an hour. So, 4 Awesome things slated for the coming month. Fuck you January, fuck - you.XD Radio-Love-13- and Vegas. <B

Running to Ambient

I don't recommend running to ambient music, it's only irritating.

It's been about two weeks, (I cheated, I read the last date I published.) A lot of thoughts and things have just "been there".

After Christmas, new years, winter semester starting where am I?

I'm there man... I'm totally there XD

Where?... Where are you Bry?

A weird head space. Where I'm more balanced than I have been in the past and more alert of certain things. But I'm not as receptive some days.. most of these frost and drear laden days.

Rewind....

I've begun my yearly staggering a bit. I didn't immediately find my balance and I still have not polished it.. I'm closer mind you. It's hard for me to enjoy some things on some days... these days are a little bit of an imploding grenade for me (self destructive). I say, I'll take it easy on myself... That I'm tired and my focus is very little. So, I'll try and present the idea of chilling out and staying idol to myself... Should I take the bait, a strong feeling of guilt, or self disappointment ensues. It's not debilitating. But it is rather counterproductive.

I know I'm not alone in this.

I need to return to the drawing board. Literally. I'm a lister.. A person who thrives on order and plans... Also a person who gets put off fairly easily by redirecting. Think of a car going as fast as it can and then slamming on the breaks as it turned. That's what it's like.

So I've established that I can have my balance and my order... but I Have tunnel vision, when I get things in my head... they get glued all over the walls like fliers for some indie band in a bar.

I'm getting better about slowing down and turning... Maybe that's the issue... I mean I can only blame so much on the weather, or bipolar... the doc says I do everything pretty well, that I'm very healthy...

My counselors have said that they think I am ready to get out there and make stuff happen. I am,

And lastly, on this specific subject there's one thing I have to remind myself of... It's only January. Patience.

"but, but But... Now?"

"what you want and what you need can be achieved.. but you need to keep giving it time and energy."

Doubts, are a useless item... sometimes I'm aware of that... When I say this I Have a little ... mantra? I guess that's the word... Leave no room for doubt, and in my head I'm thinking about coffee.. Doubt will change you, and add unhealthy qualities.

I think I've decided (after some real thinking, talking with people online and common sense)... that making a song and tossing it out every 10 days should not be considered.. no... Not yet at least.

How i let the notion of quality over quantity slip my head I do not know. A song is done, when you feel that it is the best and it sounds just right to you in every way... if it's not? then it's back to the computer. I really met up with this thought a couple of days ago, when I was going to put up a new song... and it wasn't done... it wasn't coming together. I erased a lot of it... added a lot of new things, and almost completed changed the entire song last minute... I was far more impressed... with where it is GOING. It's not done... and I don't plan to abandon it. I feel to strongly about it having he potential I see in it to carelessly toss in mismatched pieces just for the sake of saying " look what I did".

In the future, after some growth, and experience.. Then maybe  can toss out a little bi more and say, hey... I can do this a bit faster now.

Well, I'm off to battle the nasty thing that is S.A.D.   who knows, maybe I'll go somewhere to help inspire, and or wake me up! ~_~