Crumbling cookies.

MMMMM sweet diabeetus.

PAST: So I've been neglecting this like a kid cleaning his room. Tossed carelessly into his closet. But things have for the most part been pretty stable. Some static involved but not too much. So Halloween was simple but fun. I'm at the point where I have had my fill for awhile ... till about February That's just how it goes for me. Things have been on the up for the most part. I thought to myself today that... I have inadvertently been achieving all that I set out to this year. Some of which I was very hopeless about. BUT. I managed to be more social, by some twist of fate, I'm learning how to drive and some other things that I'm momentarily at a loss remembering. 

CURRENT: I am listening to the last parts of the new Celldweller album and loving them!!! I have cleaned today, and am working ... slowly, on the rest of the stuff I wanted to do today. I also figured out some of the Thanksgiving stuff today. I' m going to have SUSHI! ^_^. And now I am writing this really quick before I submit my writing to some publications, putting my writing into the computer ... which shame on me... I have to type ALL of it into the comp. Because if I don't... I'll have absolutely nothing. So I'm going to take extra steps to ensure that I keep them,... I'm going to save them to a cloud, my external hard drive and a usb card... I'll have 3 copies! AND... My first coffee shop reading tonight at 5. That's the very beginning time because...this is new to me and I want to ease myself into it, going a little bit later each time. 

FUTURE: Some stuff is on the rise... I know I'm being super descriptive... but I'm honestly listening to music and I'm into it!!! So... I think I'm going to let some of my typos fly... maybe. But Yeah the obvious holidays are coming up and I'm stoked because I have family now. I have plans to be even better than this year. Which I can foresee happening very easily. I have other readings and meet-ups planned for my writing, so I can network and get feedback, all of that good stuff. 

But that's it... it's weird but... but I feel like I'm going forward... I just don't have many words to say right now more in the mode of acting. Which is far better. 

Ta Ta!  <B

Clicks and pops

Today has been productive, and I'm trying to squeeze the very last juice into doing the needs I need and want to do. That's why these blog things will probably happen only like 4th day I think. Just so that I can allow myself more time to do everything hopefully, and the only real reason I am (kind of set back is: I'll explain in a minute.

PAST: Went to the counselor yesterday that seemed kinda rushed to be honest. Oh well. I really like walking places, but it does eat up a lot of time. So maybe I won't? I don't know lol. We did decide that I need to try and figure out how to keep myself engaged in my projects. Rather than saying that I have a ton of projects that I have never finished.

CURRENT: Bring us to today, where I woke up.... way too early and could not get back to sleep. This morning (after my first coffee in 2 weeks) I was doing my exercises very smoothly. I wrote down a ton of lists for about a solid hour and a half. They included the things that are utmost importance to me. They are goals, and plans and pretty specific ones at that. Today was eaten up a little bit by the fact that I did two time consuming things. One, I walked to get my hair cut... 2 I still needed to arrange and add files to my comp and back up all of the files on my external hard drive. Which... I just remembered I have to do. As well as still delete a couple of things I do not really use anymore. But this was one my agenda for today, and it is fairly fast, and I'll be able to knock this and a couple others off fairly easy. So that's where this is coming from. As a side note I have to mention that it felt such like early fall today, the grey but not raining weather, the air just cool enough to wear a light jacket if you wanted to. Awesome. BTW FULL MOON TONIGHT!!!

FUTURE: Tomorrow I will finish what ever I happened to not reach. Which will be like half to a quarter of the things. I mean I have options. It's really a matter of what I want. I would like to devote way more time to these, about 3 hours for one and at least one hour for the other. Or I could try and level with myself and only do an hour of each. I have come up with better composed ideas on how to accomplish my projects. Their not 100% solid. But that's still better I feel. The three main projects are kind of lined up and rationed out in order of importance. So, the sound stuff I should be doing to some degree (I'd like to do at least 3 hours a day) every day, I'm going to try and work on the grim spectrum a bit more. That would be the book or story rather that I started writing last year... So, we'll see how that goes... I plan on doing something that might help to motivate, and or encourage me to progress with it. Like posting pages of it on instagram or places where I can get some constructive criticism. I mean I personally think that the story and the characters are very dynamic in their own ways. I essentially have the whole story in my mind and how it will end etc. But it's the dialogue, and pacing that is a bit taxing. BUT taxing is good it shows heart. I have to make sure that I can keep the train rolling, because as I will always state. bipolar makes it hard sometimes to just function on a basic level, let alone thinking and working consistently. But hey, there are so many people doing great things out there with physical impairments, and mental challenges that surpass my own. Does that make my burden any less? No. But what it does is it gives me hope that I can move past the clouds over head and ascend... not like in... a religious sense. That's another thing I have to make sure that I write out is, a list of accomplishments dating all the way back to as far as I can remember. This should help greatly. Also writing a list of things that I would tell someone else as well as things I am constantly telling myself for advice.And of course I'd look up quotes from my favorite artists. Because a lot of them had to overcome things to reach the levels they are at now. It takes awhile, and for some people, they have the right connections, or the market themselves flawlessly, or are just utterly gifted. I am none of the above but I am persistent. I just need to try and figure out how to speed up my recoil time (or bounce back time whatever you want to call it). Because if I truly care about something or someone I try and come back... I try things 3 times, if it doesn't work out in that point in time I might give it another  three more chances after 3 or more years. In the past I have left huge gaps between things stopped and started... and doubted and over thought leaving room for doubt to seep in.  Sometimes you have to just make a decision and stand by it until it doesn';t work, and then you try something else. I know many of my artists that I look up to have failed many a time before reaching their current status. Persistence is a good trait to have. I also read that if you don't take risks (especially on an unconventional path) you might just miss out and stay put... I need to keep remembering that when I decided to move out here... It was with a house of complete strangers about 17 miles away from home... I was terrified. But it turned out that I'd be fine and that years later I'd be far better off than if I would have stayed back with my parents. Off subject though. All I know is that music has been the most constant and consistent part of my life. It's always been there, expanding my library, my tastes, the things that I recognize and question about not only the music but how and why the artist has done certain things. I'm noticing now more than ever details that I have never really looked at... I was hearing the music and not listening with the same attention I now give it. I've nearly always been able to hear a singer and or a voice and be able to tell the vocalist, even if I've never heard the song before.

Okay, gotta get back to the other things but I guess that I needed this SUPER reflective entry.

oh... I didn't even mention camping... Really quick - Everything is in place, I have set up "the rules" for myself that will help me to feel better and be a lot happier . Such as what I eat and when I will go to bed and that the exercise of choice will be walking. It's better than nothing so I'll take it!


BIG NEWS POSITIVE VIBESSS! STAY TUNED FOR POSSIBLE AWESOME NEWS!

Phallis

hehe... intelligent dick joke

Motivation... lacking... struggle for motion... have to keep throwing self into whatever I feel that  need to do. Thaaaaaat's really about it as far as the present goes.

{Origins}---{Early teens}

Slowly I accrued who I was ... hit my "maturity" at 11.... that was interesting. I was oddly not a loner 11- 12 I was a part of a mixed lot.... that harassed me but in their own way respected me... it was weird... I had a lot of rage developing....It was kind of a cocoon period... I have many. It was due to events of domestic violence in the house hold that kind of shaped the direction I went in... By about mid- 12 I was finding comfort in darker things... although... I never truly BECAME interested in it... it drew and used me as a canvas then.. I made it known what I liked and what inspired me... Halloween, Movie monsters, Punk rock music, and a love of the arts. I became a bigger target- getting hammered with taunts about weight, hair, make-up, or being gay... I didn't even know I liked boys ... not a clue... never really questioned or spent much thought and worry on the same things that other kids did... they were trivial to me.... I always thought about projects I had... or how to avoid my father- that last one leaving me with constant gut wrenching feelings... I couldn't care about the butterflies of asking some girl to a dance.

Thirteen-ish I took to poetry- an escape that helped make me stand out! Aside from being that fat goth kid with the hair. Somewhere along this time I become of a part of a trio... Some other fans of rock music... confused and angry at the rest of the school... misunderstood... highly vulnerable. Then... suddenly I came across new faces.. mainly girls... many were like sisters to me... Most had crushes for me... I couldn't return the interest... only simply because I wasn't attracted- not due to gender but personality... eyes.. figures. We became great friends... better friends than the initial group I was apart of... they faded out. I spent much time with them... like all of the time... I had a handful of "girlfriends" they never lasted too too long... I was usually dumped.. cuz I was shy of making moves... I would awkwardly ask if I could... that is a turn off I get it now...  I learned how to kiss from my best friend at the time... people swore we could have been twins... she was really ditzy and amusing to me... I loved that girl... where did she go?

about 14/15 ish... I was being more social... more open about things... maybe too open? I met a new face... one that I was unsure of but turned out to be a great bond in the beginning. Her name was Leah... that happened in the most peculiar way... She approached me and started talking to me about music I think... and then she offered to drive me home... I went along with it and formed a really outstanding friendship. All of my friends were intermixed at this point. Most attended this disaster under the roof of a church.. So much drama lived here... as there usually is with anything involving ICP fans. SMH. When I realized I was getting fed up with there ever expanding issues and delusions I packed up... I came back sporadically ... I made one friend from there though... A very generous and caring young girl. talk about her later. By the end of 15 I was starting to realize.... I may not be fully into girls...(this made sense when I thought about how I kind of freaked out when I first saw lesbian porn.. it was SHOCKING... not in a hell yeah kind of way ... more like a WHERE'STHE BEEF?) kind of way) I still find women attractive... sexy even...

.. for the most part though I believe they are kind of grand illusionists... Make-up.... a veil of powders and chemicals... *shrugs* I used to do it.

I'm not even going to give an honorable mention to the multiple people that I had to live with ... and the uncertainty of knowing where I was staying...

there's that chunk in a nutshell. <B

Uncle Anger Pancakes

mmmm pancakes

Wow... I don't even remember what I last talked about, I'm too lazy to look . OH! it's been like... saturday.. ish? Little has changed... a lot more self discovery as the norm for this year I'm pleased to say. 

Driving, I'm good at turning, I'm intimidated in some areas though. but otherwise I'm good, when I achieve this, the feat of being able to drive- I will have accomplished 95% percent of all goals this year. The other 5? I need a tooth guard to I don't grind my teeth away. On Monday... er... yesterday I had a really good and well needed conversation with my college adviser. Turns out there are some moth holes in the plan I had spun to attempt a couple of certificates simultaneously. Turns out for what I am looking for, I am only allotted so many credit hours... Most certificates range from 15 to 20 credits... I've done 37 and most of them were failed attempts at what I thought I wanted. So, I have about enough credits to fulfill one certificate... The specifics of that is a mystery but I'm going to study up. I might have mentioned at least one other route, Heating, ventilation, and cooling. Well, that is something I'm keeping as a prospect- front of the line in fact. But again, going to look into other fields. What I need from the work will be the following:

1. I feel I need to be behind the scenes, like a repair person- a specialist in the shadows... kinda like a reverse assassin. You know, fixing things instead of killing them? Bah, you're no fun.
2. This next one kind of ties into the first one. I want to be able to maintain myself and whatever fashion I so choose. if I want sleeves of tats so be it. 
3. I want something that will give me money of course. While I really wanted to do music there was/is no guarantee I would make it unlike a skilled trade.  

Now, I'm not throwing out the music aspect of things... it will still be a part of me as much as my writing... (which  I've been neglecting to learn more about music) but it will stay a hobby for a minute. You see the reason I want a job that can fulfill some fairly good income is that I have high hopes for going back and taking the classes for the music production by paying for it. That is, if I'm still into it- digging the idea whatever you wanna call it. I felt growth in the very instant of meeting... The words fell from my mouth with such ease admitting that I should steadfast to a trade,.. at least for awhile. - Of course, holding the fire of the dwindling aid beneath is assisting in my decisions. But Everything I said and thought converged. - Try later. 

Ohhh that's about it... I got a new hat today... tonight's a full moon, the air is very comforting, I've got a lovely caramel apple for devouring, Ummmm yes- food. Along with having a good amount of sleep. I've been trying o allow myself to indulge a little more. I've had a lot more energy and been happier. I mean I have my moments where I look at my tummy and I get paranoid... but for anyone who's ever known me... gut or not- I'll probably see one anyway... which I'm also going to address with a nutritionist! after all these years the root of many of my evils might be decoded. A LOT of my bad moods and what not have been due to my weight and self consciousness - Always talking about food (whether love or hate). So yeah, finally getting this in the open should really help me be more hospitable. 

Fall is fighting... it's calming down... I keep saying it... but I think it's close... Fall... Halloweekends opens this friday. Still need to find someone to tag along to cedar point for my B-day next month... I'll cross my fingers but my friend count went down again... not even because I was mean or anything... what a drag! I'm handling it fairly well though and that's all that matters. OH I met some cool people in my classes perhaps I can collect them?!?! ...oh that was creepy... REDO: Maybe I could be friends with them. (Much better) Both super nice... and one of them... oh man... one has a vicious sweet tooth too... peer pressure- I can feel it already. <B

Not too shabby

Title is BOOOORRRRINGGG!

But, hopefully the content is the contrary. Yesterday was the first day of the music programming and sequencing class. I must admit.. I've been doing something right the last couple of days. Whether it's waking up at six, the protein the fruits and veggies or what. But I have been more alert and willing to do things. I feel better than I have since school started back up for me on May. that's crazy, nearly 4 months! it was really cool feeling the interest and passion of like minded people. The teacher seems like the perfect guy to be instructing us, he's a laid back hippie type who is confident in his abilities to teach us. I understood all and everything he was saying for the most part.. my attention (as I will always say is small) was kept still.. locked into the lecture at hand... A LECTURE!? I was intently honed in on a lecture! Yeah, that big of a deal. I spoke with a couple of people in the class other than that I was the shy old Bry :p. The class happened before the storm.

Very literal there was a storm... with sheets of rain, the sky seemed like it was near dusk. it even made the power flicker two or 3 times. they had to go on back up gens.

Surprisingly, there's not much more to say, I'm going to the boyfriend's sister's house for labor day weekend, ummmmm this summer thing is extending itself way too far into September from the news reports at least, I'm taking it easier on myself with my projects... oddly making me a little more interested in them than I was before. Today for instance, I worked effortlessly 3 hours on playing around with my music - that was my goal originally. I had set myself into it with kind of a double mindset, that I'd give it half an hour to an hour... I became immersed. I  only got a couple of quality things out of it mind you... but I'm still learning the ropes... everything else I have done up to this point is loop oriented.. I want to step out of that and use those things sparingly... like butter... or salt...  So before I share anything else I need to be in what I feel to be a better place with it. When you're proud of something it shows and it's easier for others to follow.

At least one more paragraph cuz I like to do things in 3's. Walks are becoming really popular with me. They help me to ground myself and slow down. When I notice myself start to kick up my pace because of anxiety... I catch it and cool down. This is also the part where I gush about my first love... ever... Fall. Supposedly it will be coming to town sometime next week? I essentially have the schematics for it. That cute little event for the midgets (that's what I call kids) with the Halloween treats and Greenfield Village.. it's going to happen, Jeff's sis thinks it would be a really cool idea! That really makes me smile. <B

Static, Signal System

The Original title was going to be called "blacked out" but I wanted to go for something a little less dramatic and worrisome lol.

Sup? I've been losing weight without necessarily trying- don't hate. Like really a pound a day. I'm down to 141. I've been so energy depraved ... I know, I know, am I eating enough? I think so! I've not been doing anything differently than I have since school started... but I have been having a curious regression since then... Of late, I've had many dizzy spells and almost passed out... No Beuneo. I've been eating protein the way the doctor has discussed. All of the doctors that I have encountered this year (mainly dentists) Have told me how healthy I am ( with the exception of some of my teeth. So I don't get it. I should on friday though hopefully. I'll be seeing my doc, bright and early at 8:30 in the morning. Just like I'll be getting a deep tooth cleaning tomorrow at 7: am 0.0. Good thing I already get up at 5:30. Which I'm really guessing if that's a good time for me to wake up ya know. I've been on this sched since may 17th more or less and I'm still tired before the day begins I even go to bed between 10 and 10:30 every night. *shrugs* Perhaps my metabolic rate is out of control who knows? Except I do notice a slight change of pace when sugar gets added to the mix... I doubt it's the bi-polar. I've had that pretty well handled.

I Killed facebook. I needed to. It wasn;t really my thing anyways. It, is a waste of time really. I gave the new account a good trial and error of 9 months though. (golf clap). This isn't bad, it doesn't (necessarily) mean I'm receding into myself again. It just shows that I am aware of my limits. So then there is the answer of why it's gone. Well what spawned it was this article I read about there being a challenge to go without it for 99 days just to see what you get done- how life has been etc. The thought was highly enticing. Along with the fact that this was introduced to me through an article saying that some people respond negatively to face book and might want to turn it off. Well, 99 days is pretty much the end of the year. So maybe I'll be back on depending. I never really liked the concept of having "friends" on facebook that I didn't talk to. Just a collection pretty much. i didn't much care to know about everything everyone was doing- it takes away from catching up. Back before this whole thing people lived their lives out and when they saw the other people again- they had stuff to talk about. I'd like very much for myself to plunge into a real life social pit. Buttt.. trying to do it on my own terms at first. And hopefully the next friends I make will be cool enough to not only be like hey, what are you doing? But to also send me a text as opposed to people who only facebook message. So annoying. It also made me fret to see all of things others were doing... things my friends would do and not give me the time of day for... ugh.

This whole ordeal was kind of like junk food... Like when you don't buy it because you know deep down that if you buy it... you'll eat it... I binged on the attention I was getting for a good while until the well ran dry. That's when I kept fishing and there was nothing left to catch.

I feel that this chapter I'm choosing to live can be a more fulfilling and happier life. In my own world with my nose in my business and everyone elses in theirs. I feel like it will open my head a bit and make me focus on me. I feel that due to my over access to things nowadays that I have lost somethings about myself that I really enjoyed and would like back. I'll take what I need from the rest of the world, but i refuse to let it make me. i'll keep my twitter for my news, keep my pinterest for inspiration.

This time around though, I'm not alone though. Not like prior times. I know I have someone that loves me and cares. And when I think about where, I'd be and who I'd be without him it is scary. I'd like a crew of Halloween loving punkster friends. I would LOVE that. But it's not in the cards for the time being. I know that I'm not alone though.

<B

Let's make like a witch (And hang)

Of late, I've decided it's time to extend into some untapped sources. Have I really been thinking for so many years that my wishes would magnetize to me? Well no, no Bry!

Very recently (last night) when left alone with my thoughts I kept on listening to a song in my head called " Own Little World" By Celldweller. Basically one of my fav songs. But the lyric I honed in on was "dream of a world for me and my kind". It kept on replay.

I thought to myself as the time draws near to the fall. When I had taken my film class I really enjoyed the felling of being in a group. I think that's what I liked most about the simpler days of being in high school. It's a great feeling, going as a team and discussing ideas, thoughts whatever.

But anyways, when I was in said group. I had to be so much to it, I had to be it's power source. Not specifically because I wanted the helm but because I had to or the assignment would not have existed. Though I had a very reluctant crew, I still have a very fond memory of the only shooting date that we had. Pizza, a mime, and clowns, and a dreary fall storm that washed us all into the confines of one of our houses.
This might have also been respectfully (to myself) the feeling of accomplishment and progression. and through all the headaches and clenched teeth. I felt love, and I felt most competent out of my class. My group received the highest grade in class. I scored it, I wrote it out, I did the story board, I directed. produced, edited, I provided props. So if it drags you out but you want it... I dunno I just feel a good amount of inspiration.

Long story short, I'm looking to build my little world. Or find one to merge one. Being a lone roving planet is only good for so much. So, craigslist and other social media, school clubs, meet-ups and other such things. Ill see if I can restore something I've been so craving for  VERY long time.

Crossed fingers, four leafed clovers, and falling stars for me <B