Phallis

hehe... intelligent dick joke

Motivation... lacking... struggle for motion... have to keep throwing self into whatever I feel that  need to do. Thaaaaaat's really about it as far as the present goes.

{Origins}---{Early teens}

Slowly I accrued who I was ... hit my "maturity" at 11.... that was interesting. I was oddly not a loner 11- 12 I was a part of a mixed lot.... that harassed me but in their own way respected me... it was weird... I had a lot of rage developing....It was kind of a cocoon period... I have many. It was due to events of domestic violence in the house hold that kind of shaped the direction I went in... By about mid- 12 I was finding comfort in darker things... although... I never truly BECAME interested in it... it drew and used me as a canvas then.. I made it known what I liked and what inspired me... Halloween, Movie monsters, Punk rock music, and a love of the arts. I became a bigger target- getting hammered with taunts about weight, hair, make-up, or being gay... I didn't even know I liked boys ... not a clue... never really questioned or spent much thought and worry on the same things that other kids did... they were trivial to me.... I always thought about projects I had... or how to avoid my father- that last one leaving me with constant gut wrenching feelings... I couldn't care about the butterflies of asking some girl to a dance.

Thirteen-ish I took to poetry- an escape that helped make me stand out! Aside from being that fat goth kid with the hair. Somewhere along this time I become of a part of a trio... Some other fans of rock music... confused and angry at the rest of the school... misunderstood... highly vulnerable. Then... suddenly I came across new faces.. mainly girls... many were like sisters to me... Most had crushes for me... I couldn't return the interest... only simply because I wasn't attracted- not due to gender but personality... eyes.. figures. We became great friends... better friends than the initial group I was apart of... they faded out. I spent much time with them... like all of the time... I had a handful of "girlfriends" they never lasted too too long... I was usually dumped.. cuz I was shy of making moves... I would awkwardly ask if I could... that is a turn off I get it now...  I learned how to kiss from my best friend at the time... people swore we could have been twins... she was really ditzy and amusing to me... I loved that girl... where did she go?

about 14/15 ish... I was being more social... more open about things... maybe too open? I met a new face... one that I was unsure of but turned out to be a great bond in the beginning. Her name was Leah... that happened in the most peculiar way... She approached me and started talking to me about music I think... and then she offered to drive me home... I went along with it and formed a really outstanding friendship. All of my friends were intermixed at this point. Most attended this disaster under the roof of a church.. So much drama lived here... as there usually is with anything involving ICP fans. SMH. When I realized I was getting fed up with there ever expanding issues and delusions I packed up... I came back sporadically ... I made one friend from there though... A very generous and caring young girl. talk about her later. By the end of 15 I was starting to realize.... I may not be fully into girls...(this made sense when I thought about how I kind of freaked out when I first saw lesbian porn.. it was SHOCKING... not in a hell yeah kind of way ... more like a WHERE'STHE BEEF?) kind of way) I still find women attractive... sexy even...

.. for the most part though I believe they are kind of grand illusionists... Make-up.... a veil of powders and chemicals... *shrugs* I used to do it.

I'm not even going to give an honorable mention to the multiple people that I had to live with ... and the uncertainty of knowing where I was staying...

there's that chunk in a nutshell. <B